A New Life 4

Somebody sat down opposite me.

‘Arthur?’

I looked up.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It could not be possible.

Sally!
...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

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I came close to fainting when I saw her there, looking at me with a puzzled expression on her face.

‘Sally!’ I blurted out.

‘So, it is you. I was sitting with Mummy,’ she pointed vaguely across the room, ‘and I said, there is a girl over there all alone. Can I go and see if she waiting for her parents? She said yes and I came across. I got quite near, thinking all the time that I recognised you from somewhere and then I realised it was you. Remember that day when I got you to put on one of my dresses and I said that you looked so pretty and I wished that you were a girl like me and you said nothing but blushed deeply.’

My mind flew back to that time. Ridiculously, I did love that dress but dared not tell her, as I thought then that I was trying to deny all that she was saying. I still do not know why I denied it; perhaps the stupidity and shame of a boy liking being in a pretty dress? She was my friend and I confided in her almost everything but I thought it was wrong to wear girls clothes. I only agreed to wear her dress because she asked me and I was curious about how I looked. I internally argued with myself that we were children and only playing a dress-up game. Even now, I can see how feeble an explanation that was!

I have never forgotten how I looked or felt in that dress even though I was wearing it over my own, boys clothes, although I knew that it was very wrong to try to be something or someone that I wasn't.

All these confusing thoughts rushed through my mind as I looked at my friend Sally.

‘Why are you dressed like that Arthur, is it some sort of game and why are you here and where is your father?’

I shook my head and then looked up. I had, by now, gotten over my initial shock at the unbelievable sight of my dearest friend sitting opposite me, as large as life.

‘C…Can you stay with me for a little while? I erm, have some things to tell you.’

‘All right, I’ll go and tell Mummy and come back straight away.’

‘Do not tell her about me yet, please Sally!’ I implored.

She looked doubtful and then shrugged.

‘All right Arthur, but I do not like deceiving Mummy.’

‘It won’t take me long to explain things and then, if you wish, you can tell her.’

Just as she went to leave, I thought of something.

‘Sally, before you go; whilst I’m dressed like this, can you call me Annabel?’

She looked puzzled and then her eyes went wide.

‘I think that it was your sister's name?’

‘Yes, it’s by way of my remembering and honouring her.’

She smiled.

‘That is so sweet. Yes, I’ll call you Annabel, but you have a lot of explaining to do.’

With that, she went over to a table on the other side of the dining room. She sat down next to her mother and started gesturing over at me. I remembered her mother well. She was such a kind lady and not strait-laced. I recalled Sally telling me that her mother was a member of the suffragette movement and had actually been imprisoned some years before for chaining herself, together with others, to the gates of Buckingham Palace. This was before Sally was born and since that time, although a strong advocate for the movement, she refrained from some of the more controversial actions of that organisation.

I wondered why I had thought of my dear sister Annabel as a name for me. It seemed right somehow and it was like I was keeping her name alive through me. It gave me a warm feeling in my tummy that almost helped get me over the shock of encountering my dear friend Sally.

Soon, Sally made her way back to me. As she walked over, I noted how pretty she looked in her white, mid-calf length dress with lace-edged petticoat and, holding back her long straight hair, she wore a white satin hairband. Soon she was sitting down opposite me.

‘I have told Mummy and she was happy for me to spend some time with you not realising, of course, who you really are.’

‘You did not say anything about me though, did you?’

‘No, I promised, didn’t I? Although I did say that I had a surprise to tell her about later but had been sworn to secrecy. After drinking her tea, she said that she would be going back to our cabin as she needed to do some writing and would see me later. She doesn’t want me to be bored and as she thinks, for the moment anyway, that I have a new friend, she has no objection to my being with, as she called you, ‘that pretty young thing’.’

I blushed and she laughed.

‘Oh, how red your face is. You do not like compliments do you Arth… sorry Annabel.’

‘It is just… oh, never mind.’

Sally caught a waitress’s eye.

‘Hello Miss, can I help you?’

‘Yes please, can I have an orange squash and erm, Annabel?’

‘The same please.’

‘Certainly Miss. Let me just clear the table and I will bring the drinks back shortly.’

Soon we were on our own again.

‘So Annabel, it’s funny calling you that name but dressed as you are, it really suits you. Tell me what has been going on and why you are dressed as a girl?’

I took a deep breath, looked around to ensure that there was no one paying attention to us and then, after some hesitation, I told her my story.

I will not repeat, gentle reader, what you already know about me, as my sorry tale is already known to you.

Sally said not a word as I told her how I came on the great ship Titanic and how I found myself dressed as a girl.

After a short while, she reached across and gently held my hand over the table as I continued my story and at times I saw a tear fall from her cheek, landing on the crisp white tablecloth, she was especially upset when I explained the grim circumstances of my dear father’s passing.

At last, I came to the end of my story, and I awaited her verdict. Would she accept me for what I am or judge me for being terribly wrong with the choices that I had made?

She dried her eyes with a lace handkerchief. I too was upset but tears would not come. Recounting what had happened to me affected me deeply and brought back some memories that I truly wished to forget.

‘Well…Annabel, I do not see Arthur sitting in front of me and I wonder if you were ever that boy Arthur that I knew and loved as a brother. There was always something about you that did not strike me as someone who was a normal boy… I say that in a nice way. You were so gentle and loving; not boisterous and rough like many of the boys near where we lived. I seem to remember that you never played with boys, did you?’

I shook my head and with a slightly shaky hand, I picked up my juice and sipped. My mouth was dry from all the talking.

‘Why?’

I had not thought about it much.

‘Perhaps it was because I did not feel like one of them. I was always shy and let us face it, I am not very big and strong. I would never fight and would turn the other cheek. One boy, Brian Roberts, do you remember him?’

She nodded.

‘He was a bully as you know and he used to pick on me after school. He was a head taller than me and had idiot friends who just followed his lead. Normally there were just hurtful words that I will not repeat, but sometimes he and the others hit me and I had bruises to show for it. One time he hit me down below and I was in terrible pain for a while. I never told Father and perhaps I should have. It still aches down there sometimes, but I have learned to live with it. I was ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough or had the will to fight back, but it is not in my nature to harm anyone else, no matter how much I am provoked. Enough of that Sally, what do you think of my current situation?’

She was quiet for a moment, collecting her thoughts. I would hate for her to think badly of me, she was the closest thing I now had to a sister and I loved her dearly, even though we had been apart for quite some time. I did wonder why she and her mother were on the ship and I noted that her father was not with them. I dearly hoped that her father was all right and God forbid that he had not also passed on like my own dear father.

‘Well Annabel, can I ask you some questions?’

I nodded.

‘Is the only reason why you are dressed as a girl is because you wish to avoid detection?’

‘Yes, no… I do not know.’ I answered lamely, confused by my thoughts.

‘That is no answer and I will put it aside for the moment, but let me ask another. How do you feel about being dressed like me, a girl and looking so convincing that you have been able to avoid discovery?’

I distractedly looked at a young baby, being fed by her mother, as I tried to put my thoughts into an answer that I felt was the truth.

I took a deep breath.

‘Sally, I like the way I look and feel. I know that it is wrong to feel this way but I truly love being a girl and looking as I do. Am I wrong? Is it a sin to feel this way?’

‘God loves all his creatures, and I am sure that your crimes are minor compared to others, if what you have done and are doing is considered a crime and I am not convinced about that, far from it. I will ask another question and I think that I know the answer but will ask it anyway. If you were given the chance to stay a girl or revert back to being a boy, which would you do?’

‘Stay being a girl – always.’ I replied promptly, without even thinking.

Then I realised what I had said and felt my face grow hot and red again.

Sally smiled.

‘You blush very prettily. You said ‘being a girl’ twice now. Are you a girl or a boy? I do not know your answer, but I cannot ignore what I am seeing.’

I said nothing.

‘Hmm, we have a problem, don’t we?’

I nodded, temporarily losing the power of speech.

‘Well, that’s what mothers are for. Will you let me talk to my mother about your problem?’

I sighed. I knew in my heart that at some point I would have to explain myself to the authorities. I had wondered what would happen to me once we had crossed the Atlantic to New York. I had not quite gone that far in my calculations as to what might happen to me and the worry I had was that I might be put into an orphanage and that I would be out of the fat and into the fire as my father colourfully said once about something or other. I now knew what he meant.

I was only a child and I should only be worried about childish things, but I had had to grow up rather quickly and make decisions that no girl, or boy for that matter, should make, because of all the things that had happened to me. But I desperately needed help and it was like I was in the sea and had grabbed a lifebuoy ring…

I looked at her kind, compassionate face and made my decision.

‘Yes,’ I said quietly, ‘could you ask her what I should do?’

‘Good girl. What cabin are you in?’

I told her.

‘My, you are only three cabins down from our one! That is good. Do you want to go back to your cabin whilst I speak to Mummy or do you want to come with me whilst I explain what has been going on?’

‘I will go back to my cabin and wait for you if that is all right.’

Perhaps I was being cowardly in not going with Sally but I did not feel that I could just go with her to meet her mother without some sort of explanation as to what had happened to me.

She stood up and I joined her as we walked out of the dining room arm in arm.

We embraced as Sally left me at the door of my cabin and then went further down the corridor and with a small wave and smile, went inside her cabin.

Using my key, I let myself into my cabin and sighed as I sat down on the easy chair, all the time wondering what was being said by Sally to her mother.

My mind was going over various scenarios as I awaited what I considered to be my fate. It seemed to be a long time but was only probably only ten minutes or so, when I jumped slightly as I heard a knock on the cabin door.

I went over and hesitantly opened the door in dread as to what might happen next.

Sally was waiting outside a slight smile playing on her lips.

‘Sorry that it has been so long Annabel. Mummy has asked me to bring you to our cabin. Will you come?’

I nodded and then picking up my reticule bag, I joined her in the corridor, shutting and locking it before following her the short distance to her cabin. I could not tell from her expression how things had gone with her mother but by the slight smile on her face and the fact that she firmly held my hand, it might not be as bad as I thought. I would soon find out if my slight optimism was unfounded.

We arrived and she opened the door, gesturing for me to go in.

I took a deep breath and walked into the cabin.

Mrs Andrews was much as I had remembered her; a pretty, still young-looking woman in a long green satin dress. She had always been nice and kind to me and I had secretly wished her to be my mother as I had lost mine some time ago and barely remembered her. A pipe dream as I would never have left my dear Father and anyway, she was married to a nice doctor. Then they all moved elsewhere due to Mr Andrew’s work and it nearly broke my heart and I felt the loss greatly for some time.

She was sitting at a desk, writing but stopped as soon as I walked in.

She put her pen down and then turned to me. Her smile was so like Sally’s and at that moment, looking at her, I felt an emotion that I had not felt before welling up in me.

When Father died, I did not cry, although I had an ache that had never truly gone away. Since then, I had gone through many trials and tribulations and still I did not cry but just carried that dull ache that was always there lurking in the background.

Looking at her kind, compassionate face released something in me. Tears started to fall and I crumpled down, put my head in my hands and cried as I had never cried before.

I was not really aware of anything for a moment. I sobbed, as my body was wracked with emotion and tears leaked through my fingers and down my face. Then, I felt someone embracing me. It was a soft and warm embrace, and I could smell her perfume. Instinctively, I put an arm around her. She was whispering to me.

‘I almost could not believe what Sally had told me about you, but now I see. There, there my child, let it all out, you will feel much better for it.’

She gently removed my ribbons and stroked my hair and that was so nice. I sensed that Sally was next to me and she felt for my free hand and held it. That too gave me great comfort and my sobs gradually subsided.

After some while, I was helped up and then onto a couch. A lace handkerchief was given to me and I was allowed a little time to gather my thoughts and compose myself as best I could.

Mrs Andrews pulled up a chair in front of me and sat down.

‘I…I’m sorry,’ I said eventually, wringing the damp handkerchief in my hand.

‘What for?’ asked Mrs Andrews.

‘For being a nuisance and causing you trouble.’

‘Do not worry yourself about that Annabel,’ said Mrs Andrews.

I perked up slightly as she called me by that name and I looked at her. She did not look cross; she just seemed concerned. She called me Annabel, not Arthur!

‘What is to become of me?’ I asked hesitantly.

Sally had been over to the tap and brought me back a glass of refreshing water.

‘Here, drink this,’ she said handing the glass to me and sitting down beside me.

I was thankful for her comforting presence.

My throat was dry from all the crying and I drank deeply. It made me feel a bit better, but I still had not had an answer. I looked at Mrs Andrews again.

She sighed.

‘You have been through the wars, haven’t you, my dear?’

I nodded, sipping my drink as I awaited her judgment on me.

She stared into space for a moment, thoughtfully and then looked back at me, smiling gently.

‘You are so pretty. Looking at you, I would never take you for a boy and see very little of the Arthur I thought I knew. Yes, it could be argued justifiably that some boys do look pretty, especially when they are young and androgynous if you know what that means, but there are no signs that I can see that makes you on the outside anyway, any different from my Sally here.’

‘Am I not prettier than her?’ asked Sally, giggling.

‘Do not fish for compliments young lady, she replied sternly but with a twinkle in her eyes.

That set off Sally with giggles again. I smiled; she always was a giggler!

Mrs Andrews turned to me once again and continued.

‘Sally has told me all about what has happened to you but I would like to hear it from your own lips, even though I am sure that it will upset you. Let me say though, that I consider you now to be under my protection and I promise you that no harm shall come to you if I have anything to do with it.’

That gave me some comfort and with Sally once again holding my hand and giving me encouragement, I recounted my story.

It was no easier telling for the second time, but at least I did not cry as I appeared to be empty of tears, for the moment anyway. One part of my story that I did not like to recount was the fact that I had taken the very clothes that I was wearing in my quest to look like a girl. I hated the idea of stealing and had made an excuse to myself that I was only borrowing the clothes.

‘Do not worry about that. Somehow, I will make sure that the clothes are either returned or the owner will be compensated.’

I did not know how that might be done, but I left that for the moment.

‘So Mrs Andrews, what is to become of me?’

It was as if her eyes were boring straight through me.

This was the question I had been asking myself ever since Sally found me out in the dining room. To say that I was worried, would be an understatement.

‘Is it true that you consider yourself to be a girl and not a boy?’

I reluctantly nodded, not knowing where things would go from there.

‘You truly believe this in your heart of hearts?’

Once again I nodded, not daring to speak.

‘It is not just because you like the pretty clothes?’

I shook my head, reluctant to speak.

Once again she looked at me intently and then nodded slightly.

‘I believe you. There is something about you that does not seem right for a boy. it isn’t anything that I can put my finger on, but I would like you to see John when we get to America.’

‘John?’

‘Yes, my husband. You may be wondering why he is not here. He went over to America some days ago on the RMS New York, from Portsmouth. We are joining him in New York. He has taken a prestigious position at a hospital; Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons. We look forward to a new life there. Anyway, returning to your many problems Annabel. You may or may not have known, but I do not consider myself to be one who always conforms to the normal way of things.’

‘Because you were a suffragette?’

‘I will always be a suffragette until women are considered equal in the world. This may not happen in my lifetime, but I have hopes. Now returning to you. I am sorry for the loss of your father. He was a good man and I respected him. He did his best to help you to grow up into the fine person that you are. It is commendable that you are concerned with the taking of those clothes. Sometimes though you have to do things that are distasteful. Do you understand?’

Yes Mrs Andrews.’

She frowned.

‘I think, under the circumstances, as I am now, in effect in loco parentis… oh, do you know what I mean by that term?’

‘No Ma’am.’

‘It is Latin and means literally in the place of a parent. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am willing to take on that role if you wish me to.’

My heart sort of leapt if you know what I mean. I could hardly believe what I was hearing!

‘Thank you Ma’am, that would be wonderful.’ I replied enthusiastically.

‘When we arrive in New York, I will consult with John and see what we can do to help you more permanently, but for now, you are to be, effectively, my child. Does that suit you?’

‘Of all things Ma’am, it would suit me greatly.’

I looked at Sally and she was grinning, reflecting my joy at this unasked-for but very welcome development.

‘And, for the final time of asking, do you want to remain as Annabel or do you want to revert to Arthur? I am sure that I could speak to the authorities, and you would be accepted as Arthur if you so wish?’

‘Annabel, always Ma’am.’ I replied firmly.

‘You know that is a hard route that you are taking and that there may or rather will be barriers put in your way?’

‘I want to stay as Annabel, no matter what may happen.’ I replied firmly.

‘I thought that might be the case,’ she said smiling, ‘you are a very brave girl.’

I blushed once again at such praise.

‘Mummy, is it now that I can call her my sister?’

‘Well my cupcake, officially you are not her sister, but, I think that we can stretch the point for the moment.’

‘And can she call you Mummy?’

She laughed - such a pretty laugh.

‘Once again, you are stretching the point, but I do prefer that to Ma’am as that makes me feel a trifle old and calling me Auntie could raise questions when we do not want them. Anyway, let us ask Annabel. Would you object to calling us your sister and mother? You could call me Mama or Mother or Mummy if it suits you and you are agreeable. It might save awkward questions. However, it is entirely up to you.’

I looked at them both and I felt yet more tears welling up. It seemed that now the floodgate of my tears had been breached, I was prone to emotions like these.

‘Please may I call you Mummy, like Sally?’ I replied, sniffing.

‘Of course, my darling.’

She opened her arms.

‘I think Annabel that you are in need of another hug!’

I fell into her arms and realised, even through my tears, that for once, they were happy and not sad ones.

After I had recovered somewhat, Sally and I went to my cabin and collected my things. I would be moving in with ‘Mummy’ and Sally now. There was no need for me to be anywhere else.

I could not believe my luck and I wondered if my father and mother, not forgetting poor little Annabel, were looking down on me and helping me along the way. I was as sure as I could be that my family would approve of some of my actions, although, I was not so sure about my presenting myself as a girl and not the boy I had been born as.

Once I was back in the cabin with Mummy and Sally, I loved calling them by those names, we talked about what would happen next.

‘Well girls, we will go down for dinner tonight. I do not believe there will be any query about your situation Annabel but if there are questions, I will say that there must have been a mix-up in the paperwork, which on a ship of this size and the number of passengers aboard would not, I feel, be an unknown situation. Now I must do some writing. Sally, would you help your new sister to sort out her clothes and put them away nicely?’

‘Of course Mummy.’ replied Sally enthusiastically.

‘Well off you go then and keep the noise down as I really need to concentrate.’

We went over to the case where my clothes were kept.

She turned to me and whispered, ‘I do love being called your sister. I want it to be permanent, that is if you want that, of course.’

‘I would love it to be possible. It would depend on what your parents decide once we arrive in New York.’

‘True, but Daddy is a bit of a softy and between you and me, I can wrap him around my little finger!’

We both giggled and that caused a shooshing noise from Mummy.

‘Sorry Mummy,’ we both said in unison and giggled again.

Mummy smiled, shook her head and returned to her writing.

Just as we commenced to put away my clothes, Sally whispered to me.

‘Mummy is a writer of fiction for Ladies. She is very good and has been published. She hates any noise when she is trying to concentrate. Now let us look at what clothes you have, not very much, is there?’

‘I did not want to take more than I needed,’ I replied in a hushed voice.

Sally looked at my clothes.

‘You have very little here,’ she said critically.

‘I did not want to take too much and also it was all I could get in the small case that I used.’

‘I can understand that. Never mind, you can borrow some of my clothes, I have plenty as you can see and we are much of a size. These clothes that you have are a bit creased, but the creases might fall out after a while.’

We hung up the dresses next to Sally’s. I could see that her parents had not scrimped on giving Sally some very nice clothes. I secretly looked forward to trying some of them on!

Once we finished, we just sat for a while as we were not able to make much noise. Mummy, as I now loved to call her, even though she was not my real mother, was still busy writing at her desk. Sally soon got bored and stood up.

‘Mummy, may we go and have a look around? We have not had time before and you are terribly busy.’

‘Hmm, what? Oh all right girls, but don’t go far and be back here in time for us to get ready to go to dinner. Sally, look after Annabel and Annabel dear, you do the same for your sister.’

‘Yes Mummy,’ we said in unison and then had another fit of the giggles.

Mummy looked at us, sighed and said, ‘I do not know who is the worst of the two of you. Annabel, please change your pinafore first, it looks a little grubby.’

I looked down and I had to agree, it had a few marks and more than a few tear stains on it.

‘Use one of mine Annabel, they are not so creased as yours.’

She went over to a draw and pulled it open. There were several neatly folded pinafores. Sally pulled out the top one and handed it to me. It was white and adorned with lace and embroidery. It was very pretty and so practical as a means of keeping one's dress clean underneath.

‘Are you sure I can wear this?’ I asked fingering the fine garment.

‘What is wrong with it?’ whispered Sally.

‘Nothing, it is lovely.’

‘As you can see, I have others like it, so do not worry yourself. Now hurry up. I am dying to see around the ship.’

With Sally’s help, I quickly changed my pinafore, and we were soon ready to go.

Mummy looked up from her work.

‘Very pretty Annabel, you too of course Cupcake. Now off you go and be good girls. Do you intend to go out onto the promenade?

Sally looked at me and I nodded. It felt like a long time since I had been outside, although, in fact, it was very little time at all.

‘Yes please Mummy,’ said Sally.

‘Very well. I think that it may be a little cold out there, so I suggest that you take a cape or coat and do not forget your straw boaters and use some hairpins or you may lose them to the wind. You can tell me about what you have discovered later.’

We decided on capes and Sally had two to choose from, both dark blue. We would carry them until we went outside as they were lighter than the coats that she had. We put on the straw hats which were adorned with pretty ribbons and flowers and used colourful ornate pins to hold them in place. Then, after looking at ourselves in the mirror, we were then ready to go. I reflected on the fact that we truly looked like sisters and that made me feel very happy.

Picking up our reticules and the capes, we let ourselves out of the cabin and as Sally closed the door, I turned to her.

‘Cupcake?’ I asked innocently.

‘It’s because I loved cupcakes when I was little. I still do, come to think of it.’

We giggled.

We went down the corridor and made our way to the second-class staircase leading to the different levels or decks of the ship. I had, on occasion, been able to see the first-class areas including the opulent grand staircase when I accompanied my father during the course of his work. However, being second-class passengers, we were precluded from accessing those areas, as they were only for first-class passengers. Physical barriers and also members of the crew would prevent us from visiting those places in any case. It was the same throughout the ship. It was as if the first-class passengers did not want to mix with us, more lowly classed travellers.

As we walked up the stairs to C deck, Sally and I talked about things.

‘Sally?’

‘Yes?’

‘I wondered why you did not go first-class?’

She thought for a moment.

‘We are comfortable, if not well off. Shortly after we moved away from where we used to live near you, Daddy was lucky enough to come into some good fortune. He inherited a lot of money and some property and other things from Grandpapa when he sadly died last year. I loved Grandpapa, he was lovely, kind, and gentle. Anyway, Daddy was unhappy at the hospital he was working at in Birmingham, even though the hospital did receive charitable donations from rich well-wishers, it seems that much of the funds were not used to help the poor. They had other practices also that he did not approve of and so he resigned from his position.

‘Daddy has connections in America and he was approached by a professor of Columbia University Hospital and asked to join them. After speaking with Mummy and me, we all agreed that we should go and seek new opportunities as he called it. Daddy was able to sell our properties for a decent price and I suppose that makes us quite well off.

‘Finally answering your question though, it was Mummy who insisted that we travel second-class. I think that it has something to do with her suffragette background. She has no time for people who flaunt their wealth and there are, as far as she is concerned, far too many people like that who tend to travel first class. Second class was good enough for us in her opinion and Daddy was of the same mind.’

We continued on.

There were quite a few people about and although I was still conscious of my unique status, no one that I could see seemed to look strangely at me and that was a comfort. I soon relaxed a bit more as we found ourselves on C deck or The Shelter Deck as it was known. There wasn’t much there for us, as most of the deck was used as cabins for first class, but there was the library and we had a quick look in to see what it was like. It was a nice comfortable place with several people sitting on comfortable leather sofas reading and smoking. There wasn’t much else to see, so we left there and continued up the stairs to B deck or the Bridge Deck, where we had access to the promenade. Before leaving the warmth of the ship, we put on our capes and we were soon outside.

I expected it to be very windy out there, but it was relatively calm with only a gentle breeze and not too cold. We joined others who were walking along the deck and looking at the views out to sea. It was quite cloudy and there were only glimpses of the sun sometimes peeping out from behind some white fluffy clouds.

I breathed in deeply, relishing the freshness of the sea after being below decks.

We walked along arm in arm as the ship was swaying slightly. We could feel a slight vibration underfoot from the great engines that powered the Titanic. All we saw was the vast clear ocean, there were no ships visible. Looking behind, we could see the wake of the ship as it powered through the water and the smoke from the huge funnels. We walked around to the other side of the ship and the wind, such as it was, almost disappeared.

There was a bench seat by the bulkhead, and we sat there, taking in the view, the passing passengers and a few of the crew that ventured on the deck.

Sarah turned to me.

‘I love having you as a sister,’ she said enthusiastically, not for the first time.

‘I feel the same, but we aren’t really sisters Sally.’

She was silent for a moment and then continued.

‘I know that, but I have always wanted a sister and we have been friends for so long. I never told you this but when we lived nearby and I saw you most days, I always dreamt that you were my true sister. You have never been like any boy I knew.’

I sighed.

‘I knew that I wasn’t like other boys, and it puzzled me why this was so. Since I have been aboard this great ship and made the decision to dress and live as a girl, it is like a puzzle where the final piece has finally been put in place after many years. I feel more like a girl than I ever did as a boy. How I can stay this way, I do not know but I will enjoy it as long as I can. I think that it would break my heart if I had to live my life as a boy again.’

‘Daddy will know what to do,’ she said an assurance that I could not match.

‘Will he accept me?’

‘I am sure he will. He is a kind caring man and I love him dearly. If anyone can help you, he will.’

I knew him to be what Sally said, but I had not had much contact with him as he was usually busy at work. What I saw though, I liked.

I glanced to the left.

An officer and member of the crew was coming towards us and I felt a sudden dread, as I realised that it was only the very officer that stopped me from boarding! Also, the man walking with him was the very crew member who knew me as Arthur and helped me board at Southampton!

I turned away and leaned into Sally.

I whispered,’ I do not want those men to see my face.’

‘Why?’

‘I will tell you later.’

I breathed a sigh of relief as they walked on without stopping. It was a close-run thing and my heart was beating so loudly, I was surprised that Sally did not hear it. Would they have recognised me dressed as a girl? I would never know.

‘Can we go back in?’ I asked as I saw the men disappear into the distance.

‘Yes, all right.’

As we walked back to our cabin, I explained why I did not want to be seen by those men.

‘They would never have recognised you surely?’

‘You recognised me in the dining room Sally.’

‘True, but I knew you from before and remember, I have seen you in a dress.’

‘But my face is the same.’

‘True, but you are wearing your straw hat and I am sure that you would not be recognised, dressed as you are.’

She made me feel a bit better, but I would make sure that I try to keep clear of those men and any others who might recognise me from my time on board with my father.

We made our way down to D-Deck where our cabin was. As we turned into the corridor, I stopped suddenly. About a hundred feet away, there was a man in overalls standing at the cabin I had previously used. He unlocked the door and then picking up a tool bag, he walked in.

‘Oh Annabel, you could have been in there!’

I looked on and remembered a phrase from old Mrs Wellgood from Sunday school, ‘There, but for the grace of God.’

I felt then that I was truly blessed and hoped that my good fortune would continue when we finally reached America.

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