Sitting Shiva
by shalimar

A man reflects on his transsexual father just after the father's funeral.

Note: Rated X because of references to, not actual, pedophile stories.

The funeral is over and I'm sitting Shiva for a wonderful woman who was my father. I pull out a print of an email many years ago from a close friend of my father and the note that friend had sent with the email. The email was a chat-log between that friend some others and my father. In the log was the first indication I knew of that my father was transsexual.

But that wasn't the reason I received the email or kept it. You see I was eighteen at the time. I had just flunked out of my first semester at MIT where I was on full scholarship. Honestly, I flunked out because I didn't go to class didn't do the work and didn't study.

What did I do? Partied, played computer games and read Internet stories. My father didn't know about my failure to go to class until I received my grades in December. Until then he was proud of the grades I told him I was about to get because I told him I was had almost straight A's. When he saw my grades he was disappointed. When I told him why, he sighed.

When my mom found out she kicked me out. I had to live with my father. They were divorced. In fact, the divorce was so long ago that I never knew them living together. My mom eventually remarried and had a daughter who is nine years younger than me by her second husband. Dad only remarried after her SRS operation. I never knew why until I received that e-mail.

While at my father's place I continued to play games and read those stories. Like my mom tried before him, my dad tried to get me to get a job and apply to a local community college to no avail. He occasionally yelled at me, but I still didn't get off my butt. Eventually he would look at me and sigh.

Late one night, a few weeks after I had moved to my dad's he found on his computer some of the stories I read at that time. They were pedophile sex stores. He woke me up out of a deep sleep.

"GET THEM OFF MY COMPUTER, NOW!" he shouted as I tried to comprehend what he was saying.

I took those stories off my computer and went back to bed.

The next morning before he went to work he yelled at me again.

"You put those stories on my computer despite you telling me you don't go there anymore," he yelled. "Thou shall not be a false witness!"

He had found out from mom that I had gone there.

"You went there despite me telling you not to!" he continued in a controlled angry voice. "Honor thy father and mother!"

I tried to walk away from his yelling. I had never seen him this angry before. He was always so friendly and easy-going.

"And on top of that I was so angry I couldn't type anything I wrote today! This is the second time this week! Damn it! I have a fucking deadline!"

Did I mention he was a published author in addition to his regular job?

"You better get off your fucking ass!" he yelled at me.

He slammed the door. I did nothing that day.

That evening he came in and didn't say a word to me. I saw that he went onto his computer and checked to see if there were any more of my favorite stories. He continued to ignore me that night and when I went in to see what he was doing I saw that he was chatting on line. Then he went to bed without kissing me or giving me a hug. It was the first time I could remember him never doing either. I knew I was in trouble.

In the morning, just before he left for work he said, "There's an e-mail on my computer for you. Please read it."

My father gave me a kiss then walked out to door for work.

After I finally woke up and had breakfast I read the e-mail. The e-mail showed me that he was a transsexual, but more important I found out how much I had hurt him. In addition, I found out how much I had lost his trust. In the log these friends of his were trying to sooth my father. When I finished the log and the letter attached to it I was crying. Like most men I don't cry, but what was said in those words made me feel for my father. I understood his hurt. I copied both the log and letter.

Later that day I got off my duff and actually landed a job at Burger King. Dad later said it was honorable work. I also made an application to that community college. I was accepted for the next fall. My grades became those straight A's that I had claimed at MIT. While I was there I met the wonderful woman who eventually became my wife. From that community college I went to Case Western with full scholarship while my wife went to Akron State. She graduated with honors while I was valedictorian. My father who had her SRS just after we graduated from that community college was never prouder.

My wife and I have had a great life together including bring up three children we are proud of. Our daughter, the oldest, is now pregnant with our first grandchild. She promised to name it after my father whether it is a boy or a girl. She'll use either name.

When my father's husband died and she became feeble we let her move in with us. By her mid eighties she became very sick. Her death was more of a release for her. We buried her today in the family plot along with her parents, grandparents and cousins.

Now back from that funeral I look at that log and that letter. It was the reason for my success. For you see every time I felt like slacking off or I realized I was doing that I pulled out those copies of the log and letter and read them. I could never hurt my father like that again. I never did.

Good by dad.

Thank you.

I thank Davenport, Cathleen Hitch (Innocent Guilt) and Jenna Hitch for their contribution to this story.