Swallowing, I started to walk out onto the main passageway and then stopped...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

---

 
 

I walked along a short passageway. I felt strange and very self-conscious. The feel of the skirt of my dress against my legs was distracting me, to say the least. My shoes were noisy on the metal deck as I walked towards the nearest hatch. Swallowing, I started to walk out onto the main passageway and then stopped.

I had had a thought.

I needed spare clothes. What if they lock the hold where the luggage was kept for security reasons? I could not hope to get away with wearing just the clothes that I had on for a week or more. I had to make a decision and fast.

Reluctantly, I turned around and went back the way I came.

In the cold, gloomy hold, I swiftly made my way over to the pink trunk.

Looking around, I saw some suitcases of various sizes over in a corner, wedged between the bulkhead and some large trunks.

Amongst some larger cases, I found one that was a bit smaller than the others and that was a good thing because I was small and not very strong. Once again, I was in luck as it was not locked. I assumed that the authorities stipulated that cases were kept unlocked in case of the need for inspection. I was not sure of the matter but considered that it was probable. I do know that my small case was inspected before going on board. I could not use that one, as it was somewhat tatty and would not fit in with my supposedly new status as a girl of a family with means.

That thought made me smile. I had never been in a family with means. Yes, we had been better off before when Father had better jobs and our income was quite good, but we had never been in a situation where you could say that we were comfortably off. I suppose that the best time was when we lived near my dear friend Sally on a nice neat, leafy street. I missed that place and my friend Sally so much. We were happy there…

I stopped daydreaming, opened the case and noted that it had clothes for a young boy in it. I carefully removed the clothes placed them in a corner out of the way and then took the now empty case over to the pink trunk. I was conscious of the fact that I did not know how long I could be in the hold without someone coming in. The longer I was there, the more chance of being discovered and questioned.

I unlatched the lid of the trunk and looked in, then I hesitated.

I was not a thief, but I felt like one. Those pretty clothes were not mine but belonged to a girl who probably loved them.

Perhaps, I thought, I should forget this mad idea and just dress back as a boy again and take my chances. But then, I would be recognised by someone, considered to be an orphan and then would, in all probability, be taken off at the next port of call and returned to England and placed in an orphanage. Something that I did not want to think of.

I had no choice in my opinion, but would, if I could, return the clothes to the chest before getting off in New York. Whether I would be able to do that was another matter, but that thought helped my conscience.

I took out two dresses including the one that I first saw that was so pretty, the white muslin party dress, why I chose that one, I do not know. It was hardly practical. I chose another perhaps everyday mauve dress. I also took two white pinafores, one fairly plain, the other with some lace and ribbons on it which was very nice. some drawers, chemises, petticoats and stockings. To that, I added a white lacy nightdress with white ribbons, a few lace handkerchiefs and a pair of slippers. From the lid of the trunk, I took some ribbons, hair clips, a brush, a comb and the hand mirror. Also, just in case I needed it for any reason, I found a nice straw hat. It had a pink ribbon and a few silk flowers as a hat band.

Apart from the hat, I carefully placed the items in the case and closed the lid. Picking up the case, I was pleased that it was not too heavy for me.

After closing the lid of the trunk and pulling down the catches, I was ready to go. I picked up the case again, together with the straw hat and made my way to the hatchway leading out of the hold.

Stepping out, I saw that many more people were milling about and I was fearful that someone would say something about why I was there and what was a stupid boy wearing the clothes of a girl.

I need not have worried though, as I was ignored by the throng of people who were more interested in going about their own business than reflecting on me and my appearance. I think, on reflection that most of the people on board who were not part of the crew, were in a similar position to me in as much as they were trying to find out where to go, down here on this deck were many of the third-class cabins.

As a boy, together with my father, I would have tried to find the cabin that we were allotted to, but this was now obviously longer possible. I felt a bit like a stowaway, although that wasn’t really the case, as my passage had been legitimately paid for, although not as the girl I portrayed now.

I would have to find somewhere else to go where I would not stand out like a sore thumb. Without being judgemental, the children that I had seen go past me with their parents, were not as well dressed as I. The clothes that I was wearing were of very good quality in my opinion. I was in a third-class area and most of the passengers did not appear to be very well off.

My father and I would have fitted into this area well, but as a girl dressed as I was, I decidedly did not fit in. I was starting to get a few strange looks and that was the last thing I wanted. There was a certain amount of segregation between the various classes and I was starting to stand out like a sore thumb.

It would only be a matter of time before I was questioned by the few crew that I saw as to why I was there and where were my parents.

I was lucky that I believed that I knew the ship fairly well, as I had been here helping my dear father with his work. What I am saying is that I knew the layout of much of the ship and that would be to my advantage. However, there were deck plans for passengers, dotted about on shelves and I picked one up. I obviously did not know all sections of the ship and I thought that it might be useful to get my bearings.

Taking a deep breath, I walked on briskly to one of the staircases that I knew led to one of the second-class areas. There, I would not feel so out of place as I had been told that professional people and those with a bit more money would be berthed.

With a few others, I walked up the steps that led up to F deck. I felt the ship rock slightly, the first sign that I had, other than the engine noises, that the ship was on the move.

Father and I had gone over where the ship would go once it left Southampton, there were also many references in the papers and a lot of excitement. Firstly the ship would go to Cherbourg in France to pick up and disembark some passengers. Then on to Queenstown in Ireland the following day for the same purpose.

Then, we would finally set off for New York across the Atlantic to arrive on the 17th of April. A very fast crossing indeed according to the papers, although they stated that The Titanic would not be attempting the Blue-Ribbon accolade for breaking the speed record of crossing, given to her sister ship the RMS Mauretania, as they were more concerned about comfort than speed.

With a few others, including a crew member, who paid no attention to me, I walked up the stairs and found myself on Deck F and after looking at the deck plans, I knew where to go. With determination, I carried on up the steps and finally reached my goal, D Deck or as it was sometimes known, The Saloon Deck. I had been there once before which was good as I knew where I wanted to go. Firstly, I went down some passages to where I knew the bedrooms were.

I was very conscious of my appearance and how different I was from before. I was constantly looking at people who passed me to ascertain if they could see through my disguise, but I did not get any looks that could have indicated that I was not as I seemed to be and I started to relax slightly.

It was somewhat disconcerting that I was beginning to enjoy the feel and look of the clothes I was wearing. Hitherto, I had just been dressed in normal boys' somewhat rough clothing that were far from pretty, but now, I began to experience how Sally must feel every day of her life. She always loved the clothes she had been able to wear and waxed lyrical about a new dress or hat that her Mama had bought her on their regular shopping trips.

I eventually found a corridor with some bedrooms and noticed that a few of them had doors open and I noted, as I had before, that the level of luxury was much higher than third class. All the passageways and open areas of the second class had nice carpets and wall coverings. A stark contrast to the third class where functional economy appeared to be the order of the day and where there were few frills or decorations present.

A boy about my age passed me. He was in a sailor suit and he was with his parents and looked quite excited to be aboard that wonderful ship. He glanced at me and smiled shyly and I smiled back and carried on. I could tell that the boy had had a very different life to me. One of privilege and no shortage of money in the family I speculated.

Then a thought occurred to me. I knew nothing of the boy’s circumstances, and I should not be so judgemental about such things. He too might have had tragedy in his life. I had no way of telling.

I passed a bedroom with an open door and it appeared to be empty. On a whim, I looked about me, saw that no one was showing the least bit of interest in me, and just walked in as if it was mine. I noted, in passing, that it was cabin D-24, D denoting the deck that I was on. If I was challenged, I would just say that I had got lost and confused.

The inside of the cabin looked nice and very much like the other one I had been into on the same deck with Father when he was mending yet another leaking pipe. It had two bunk beds on one side and a seating area on the other. It was carpeted and would have been well decorated once finished, but I noted that some obvious items were missing. For example, one of the walls lacked any decoration and there was only one mattress on the bottom bunk. The room had obviously not been finished in time for the maiden voyage. At least there was a sink…

Then I remembered, one break time, a few days before, my father was speaking to one of the foremen who said that quite a few of the bedrooms would stay unfinished as they had no time to complete the fitting out work. Apparently, not all berths were filled for this trip in time for the maiden voyage and that was a good thing, as there would have been problems getting any more passengers on board and into cabins that had been fully fitted out.

This looked like one of the cabins that had not been finished. Looking over at the open door, I noticed that there was a key in the lock. I went over and took the key out. Just then, a few people went past, and I hid behind the door. They were laughing and paid me no attention.

After they passed by, I glanced out and saw that there were some people a fair way down the passageway, but there was nobody nearby.

I quietly shut the door and locked it from the inside. I stood up against the locked door and sighed. I had found somewhere to stay! True, there was always a chance that someone might want to visit the cabin for some reason, but I felt that it was unlikely as the crew would have enough to do looking after the passengers and the smooth running of the rest of the ship rather than looking at an unfinished cabin like the one I was in. it was highly probable that nothing would be done before we reached New York.

Only time would tell if I was right about that.

After a moment to collect myself, I went over to the porthole and looked out. We were at sea, obviously, and it was strange as the horizon appeared to be rising and falling gently. It made me feel a bit giddy to look out like that and so I went and sat down.

My mind was in a whirl as to what to do next. My stomach gurgled slightly, and I realised that I was very hungry and not a little thirsty. I also needed to use the toilet facilities.

I hid the case in a wardrobe and unlocking and removing the key to the door, I opened it carefully and glanced out. There was a family further down the corridor, walking away from me. I slipped out and locked the door, putting the key in my reticule pouch and then walked down to the bathrooms at the end of the corridor.

I nearly made the terrible mistake of going into the bathroom for Gentlemen but at the last second, I realised my error and went into the Ladies' one. Once again, I was in luck as no one was in the bathroom. There were no urinals, obviously, and I went over to the water closet and shut the door behind me.

I found using the facilities, something of a problem until I realised why my drawers had a spilt crutch area. I was able to sit and use the facilities without removing any of my clothing and for that, I was truly grateful. It was all a very different experience from when I was dressed as a boy and could use a urinal!

After finishing my ablutions and adjusting my several layers of clothes, I made my way over to a sink to wash my hands. It was then that I saw myself in the mirror. I barely recognised the girl in the reflection. It was so strange. I had seen myself in the hand mirror down in the hold, but the mirror was small, and the light was dim. It was a funny feeling, looking at myself in that large mirror. Bizarrely, it did not feel wrong somehow.

I shook my head. I had other things to think about, like what I was to do now…

Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and a lady came in.

‘Good morning young lady,’ said the lady, smiling.

‘Good morning Ma’am,’ I replied shyly.

She went over to a water closet and the door closed behind her.

I smiled, I wasn’t seen to be a boy in a dress and that was very reassuring. I readjusted the ribbon in my hair which had somehow loosened slightly and then looking at myself critically, I saw that everything else looked fine and in my limited experience, acceptable.

I left the bathroom and then after looking left and right and finding, as usual, no one paying any attention, I made my way back to what I considered to be my cabin. After entering and then closing the door of the cabin and importantly, locking it, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had managed to get back safely.

A few minutes later I steeled myself to once again leave the sanctuary of the bedroom and go to the second-class dining room which, I knew, was nearby. I let myself out again, ensuring that I locked the door before heading towards my destination.

Judging by the number of people going in the same direction, I assumed that others had the same idea as me. My main worry was that I was alone and not with my parents. However, it seemed like everyone had only concerns for themselves and I didn’t see any strange looks at me.

The entrance to the dining room was just around the corner and I followed several people in there. Over the door was the inscription Second Class Dining Room.

The dining room was huge, I had never seen a place like it. It featured wood panelling, comfortable seating, and large windows where passengers could look out and admire the ocean views.

I made my way over to the side of the room and sat at an empty table, there were quite a few, possibly because it had not been long since we departed Southampton.

I looked around. The room was noisy with chatter at various tables. I had no idea what would happen now. My heart was thumping in my chest. I was so frightened of being caught out. What explanation could I give for my being there, in the dining room, alone and dressed as a girl?

Many waitresses and a few waiters were serving and taking orders. I noticed a menu on the table and I picked it up and looked at it.

It all seemed very nice, but some of the dishes I had never heard of.

‘What would you like to have Miss or are you waiting for your parents?’

I jumped slightly and looked up from studying the menu.

A waitress stood there with a pen and order book in her hand.

‘Erm Mama is not feeling well, seasick I think and Papa is with her. They told me to come here for my luncheon.’

‘I’m sorry to hear about your mother, Miss. Have you decided what you want?’

I desperately looked at the menu and chose something I knew.

‘Erm, beef steak and kidney pie please.’

‘Is that with mashed potatoes and peas?’

‘Yes please.’

‘And what would you like to drink?’

‘Do you have orange squash?’

‘Of course. Please leave it with me. Oh, can I have your cabin number please?’

‘Erm, D-58.’

‘Thank you. Your meal will be with you shortly.’

She smiled and nodded and then went to the next table.

I did not think about anyone asking me for information, like what cabin I was in. I also realised that I was in the most formal dining room for second class. I should have, on reflection, gone to another perhaps less informal dining room, where there may not be quite such formality or questions asked of me. I believed that there was at least another second-class dining room on another deck. I would have to check which one.

It did seem like I had managed to get away with it this time but would have to be more careful in future. I told her D-58 rather than my actual cabin number, as I did think it to be a good idea to say where I was staying, especially as it was an unused cabin.

The restaurant was filling up a bit more and the noise levels grew louder. Many of the people sitting close to me seemed to be happy to be on board.

Just then, another waitress came up with my meal.

‘There we are Miss, beef steak and kidney pie and orange squash. And would you be wanting desert?’

She was a pleasant lady with an Irish accent.

I saw that the meal had very good portions and I did not think that I would need any more than what I had in front of me.

‘No thank you.’ I replied quietly.

‘Enjoy your meal,’ she said smiling and walking away.

I was very hungry and for a few minutes, I concentrated on my meal.

I had just finished when a lady came up to the table. She looked a bit formidable and stern, wearing a severe-looking black dress.

‘This is my table young lady.’ she said briskly.

‘I am so sorry, I am just leaving. I got confused as to which table to go to.’

‘And where are your parents?’

‘Um, in the cabin, Mama is sick.’

She sniffed dismissively.

‘Seasick no doubt and the ship is hardly pitching at the moment.’

‘Yes, no, um probably,’ I replied weakly.

‘How old are you?’

‘Twelve, Ma’am.’

‘Hmm, you look younger. Your parents should not let you go out alone, without supervision. Where is your governess?’

‘We did not bring her.’ I replied.

‘Hmm, most irregular. So are you leaving?’

I looked down at my plate and saw a solitary pea in the gravy. Luckily, I had finished my drink by this time.

‘Yes Ma’am,’ I replied as I got up.

‘Very well. Try to find the correct table next time.’

‘I will Ma’am.’ I replied as I fled.

In moments, I was out of the dining room and swiftly making my way back to what I considered to be my cabin.

I unlocked the door with a shaking hand and let myself in.

I went over to the sofa and sat down, holding my head in my hands.

That was a close call as Father used to say. I would have to be very careful if I was to achieve my aim of getting to America for a new life. How I would be treated in that great country, I did not know, but anything would be better than the squalor I had been used to in England.

I got myself together and tried to be positive, although that was difficult after my encounter with that rather formidable lady.

I picked up the deck plan that I had left on a shelf before going out. Looking at the plans I saw that the only other second-class dining room was on F Deck. It was smaller and I wondered if that would help or not. I would at some stage have to use it if I was not going to starve on board.

For the moment, it would be safer to stay locked in my cabin and not take too many chances. I would have to make use of the toilet facilities. I could wash myself at the sink that luckily had running water. I liked to stay as clean as possible, although I could not remember the last time I had a bath.

I knew that I would be bored staying in the cabin, but that would have to be a cross to bear.

And so, I just sat in the cabin for a few hours, not thinking very much about anything. I was rather tired as I had had little sleep of late. In the end, I took off my dress as I did not want it creased and just in my underclothes I lay on the bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

After a while, I awoke, not realising where I was for a few moments. Then I remembered. Sitting up, I saw that the ship was not moving. I got up, stretched and then went over to the porthole. We were in a dock, I noticed. I could not see much but could see cranes and the quay which had a number of people on it. I remembered that the ship was to make a brief stop in Cherbourg, France before carrying on to Queenstown in Ireland on the following day.

I spent some time looking out on the quay below and then, after a while, noticed that there were fewer people about.

The ship's horn went off and I could hear some bells and whistles. Then, gradually, we were on the move again.

I looked at the clock on the wall, it was 6.30. Being May, it was still quite light outside and I believed that it would not get dark for another few hours.

Of course, I was bored. I had a lively mind that needed stimulation, and, in that cabin, I had nothing to do but sit and sleep.

For something to do, I picked up the deck plans and noticed on the back some information about things that were happening on the ship, organised activities included concerts, music, games like deck quoits, whatever that was and social gatherings.

I noted with interest that there would be a religious service in the second-class library, at 8 o’clock that evening.

I thought about that. I had not been to church for some weeks, and I felt slightly guilty about that. Because of our situation, we did not have the time to go to church. Now, I felt that I should go and hang the consequences. I wanted to pray for my father, mother and little sister. I assumed that there would be a large congregation and I would try to make sure that I would not call attention to myself.

I still had some time to wait and spent the time wondering if I was doing the right thing. Eventually, my urge to go overwhelmed me. I knew that it could be risky but was willing to take a chance and hope to be lost in the crowd.

I decided the dress I had on was smart enough to pass, but I changed the pinafore as there was a smudge on the front from my return journey to the hold. The last thing I wanted was to be picked out as having a dirty appearance. The pinafore I chose had some lace on the hem and collar and was more elaborate and smarter than the other one. I was soon dressed again and it was strange perhaps that I felt it almost normal for me to be thus attired.

After I removed the ribbon, I brushed my straight hair out, I was thankful that I had had it cut. Other girls had hair a similar length to mine, so I did not look out of place, especially as I had it styled in what I considered a more feminine fashion.

Once I was happy that my hair was as it should be, I carefully placed the hat on my head. I thought that it looked fine for a church service. Thinking about the service, I would normally take a bible, I had a small one at home, but in my haste to leave that horrible place, I forgot it. I hoped that one would be available to me when I went to the service.

Pausing for a moment as I looked at myself in the mirror. I wondered, not for the first time if I should feel guilty about wearing clothes that were patently not meant for any boy. I recalled though, many boys before being breeched, would wear some form of a dress.

What would my father think of me now? I thought, would he scorn me or perhaps laugh at me?

I remembered his kind face. For so many years it had been just him and me trying to get on in a world where it seemed of late that everything was against us. Father would never ridicule or hurt me. He had never laid a finger on me and I loved him for being a good father and a caring substitute for my dear mother.

No, I think that Father would be proud of the fact that I had been resourceful in what was a difficult situation for me.

One thing that did disturb me slightly was the fact that I was very much getting to like how I looked and felt, dressed as a girl, but I tried to keep those thoughts to a minimum.

I looked out of the porthole. There was a slight swell, and I could feel the movement of the ship beneath me. We were heading for Ireland now and then on to America. I hoped that there would not be any heavy weather on our crossing as I did not like the idea of being seasick.

I rechecked the deck plan to confirm the whereabouts of the lounge and after a final look in the mirror, I left the cabin, shutting and locking the door after me, and I made my way to the stairs that led up to C Deck, where the second-class library was located.

Was this all a big mistake and would I be found out? Only time will tell.

There were quite a few people in the passageway, but, as usual, they were only concerned with themselves and had no interest in me. Some of the women were wearing hats and many of the girls too. I assumed that they were going to the service like me.

I followed some people up the stairs and I got a bit of a shock as, at the top, on the other side of the passageway, was the officer that I encountered on entering the ship, the one that told me to stand aside to wait for my father.

My heart seemed to beat loudly in my chest as I saw the rather stern officer standing there.

I had wondered whether he had looked for me after I left the area but hoped that he had other things on his mind and that he might have forgotten me.

Without looking directly at him, I followed the others towards the library. I was tensed as I imagined having a hand on my shoulder, being stopped and questioned as to why I was thusly dressed and on the ship without my father.

Nothing happened and my heartbeat started to return to normal as I carried on my way to the library.

I soon reached the library and followed the other passengers in. There was a sailor inside the door handing out bibles to those without them, together with hymn sheets.

There were rows of seats I made sure to sit out of the way near the back, as I did not want to draw attention to myself. Soon the room filled with passengers and some of the crew as we awaited the chaplain who was going to perform the service. A family of four came over and sat down beside me, the mother next to me, then a very young boy and a girl a bit older than me who sat next to her father.

The lady looked at me.

‘Hello dear, your parents not with you?’

I looked at her. Her hat was much more elaborate than mine but very pretty.

‘Mama and Papa are in the cabin. Mama is feeling unwell Ma’am.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that; seasick?’

‘I think so Ma’am.’

‘Oh dear; perhaps she will get her sea legs soon. If she is in severe discomfort, your father should call for the doctor.’

‘Yes Ma’am.’

I hated lying. It was not in my nature, but I could not tell her that I was on board using false pretences.

Just then the organ started, and the service commenced.

We all stood up.

I will not describe the service. Many of you will know what they are like. I found some solace and comfort as it proceeded and afterwards, I was glad that I went as it helped me to find some peace with all that had happened to me.

I said goodbye to the lady at the end and went on my way, following the others out. Luckily, the officer was no longer at the top of the staircase, for which I was truly thankful! I went down the staircase and soon found my way back to my cabin. Letting myself in, I took my hat off and shook out my hair. Looking out of the porthole, I noticed that it was starting to get dark outside.

I yawned hugely, realising that I was quite tired. It had been a very hard day. It was a day where I had lost my father, and come aboard the Titanic, assuming the guise of a girl and had managed, so far, to get away with my deception.

I was not hungry, as the food that I had eaten before was sufficient for my needs. I decided that I would go to bed.

I left the cabin and went to the bathroom which was luckily empty. I used the water closet and then washed my face and hands, drying myself with one of the towels from a shelf. After finishing my ablutions, I decided to take a towel for my use in my cabin. There were plenty of towels and I did not think one would be missed. I was not stealing it, only borrowing it, so I felt no qualms about taking the towel back to my cabin.

I swiftly returned to the cabin, passing one gentleman who nodded but paid me no more attention.

Although the bed had not been made up for obvious reasons, I had found two blankets in the bottom of the wardrobe, and I brought them out and placed them on the bed. One I would use to cover me and the other as a makeshift pillow.

I then proceeded to undress and then put on the nightdress that I had taken from the pink trunk in the hold. It was of a soft, smooth, almost silk-like cotton and felt very nice on me. It had ribbons and lace and was very unlike the nightshirt that I was used to wearing.

I wondered, in passing, whether the owner of the trunk had returned to the hold for any reason, but there was nothing I could do about that. I turned off the electric light and by the gloomy rays of the dying sun coming from the porthole, I made my way to the bottom bunk and lay down on the bare mattress, covering myself with the blanket and then resting my head on the other, rolled-up blanket.

Before I fell asleep, I went over what had happened that day. I had not the time to truly grieve the death of my father and I could not understand why I had not cried. I still had that incredibly heavy feeling of loss and the fact that I was now an orphan with no one in the world to care for me.

Not for the first time, I wondered where he now was. My only consolation was that he was no longer in pain and he was, hopefully, up in Heaven and looking down on me. I prayed for him and my mother and sister and I prayed for myself, hoping that God would forgive me for my sins which included dressing as a girl and liking it.

---

 

Please leave comments...thanks!