“Stand still, brat,” growled my soon to be official aunt Catherine.

“I don’t want to wear make-up!” I complained.

My aunt glared at me. “Of course you do. All little girls want to wear make-up. I couldn’t wait to start.”

I frowned. “I’m not you. Thank God.”

“Look, brat,” growled my lovely and sweet aunt, “You’re the ring bearer and you’re going to have rosy cheeks. We can either pinch your cheeks or we can use make-up. I can tell you which one I’d enjoy more.”

I narrowed my eyes at my aunt. “Okay. You win. This time.”

As she started brushing on my make-up, Aunt Catherine said, “You should be happy for your mother. This is the biggest day of her life. Aside from giving birth to you, I guess.”

I like to think I was grown in a lab.

It was D-Day… Doom’s Day. Otherwise known as Mom’s wedding day. It was chaos at my new grandparents’ house. The house wasn’t new. The grandparents were. Sort of. Mom was getting ready at our house. Claire was helping her cry and get dressed. She was also Mom’s Maid of Honor.

Oliver was getting ready at the grandparents’ house. Something goofy about the bride and groom can’t see each other before the wedding. We all had dinner last night, so what’s the big deal? Pee-Paw buying us all dinner at Catfish Hill after the wedding rehearsal was probably the best part of this whole sordid ordeal.

Oliver stepped into my room, otherwise known as the guest room. Aunt Catherine shouted, “Hey, dork! Women only in here!” We were both in a state of undress. “Do you know how to knock?”

“Sorry!” apologized Oliver. “You guys need to hurry it up in there. We need to leave for the church soon.” Mom decided to have the wedding at ‘that cute little church’ we’ve been going to each Sunday since we first went on Christmas Day. I wanted to do it at Chuckles the Rat Pizza. Mom’s reaction was negative to say the least.

Aunt Catherine looked over at me. “Hey squirt. Can you zip me up, please?”

As I walked over to her to zip up her dress, I asked, “Can you imagine the arrogance of a clothes designer to create a garment that requires more than one person in order to wear it? And what about the wedding itself? Celebrating a woman surrendering her independence to a life of indentured servitude to a man with permanent mommy issues?”

Aunt Catherine just stared slack jawed at me. She shook her head and said, “You’re going to be fun at parties.”

As I was putting my earrings in, Oliver knocked on the door and then opened it without waiting for a response. “You guys ready? We need to go.” He looked over at me and asked, “Hey sport. Do you have the rings? I can’t find them.”

I folded my arms and said, “I sold them on e-bay.”

Looking deeply annoyed, Oliver growled, “I’m serious, Chrystal. Do you know where they are?”

I frowned. “Of course I do. I put them in my purse for safekeeping.”

Oliver sighed. “Finish getting dressed and let’s go.” He closed the door.

I started looking under things and said to Aunt Catherine. “Have you seen my purse?”

After a half hour of cheek pinches, being talked to as if I’m a two year old, being told how pretty I was and what a little heartbreaker I’ll be and a scary Uncle Ralph asking if I was old enough to date yet, I was finally positioned next to Oliver holding a pillow with two rings resting on it. I was nervous as hell. In just a few moments, my life as I know it will be over. The shit just got real.

I looked up at Oliver. Sweat was beading up on his forehead and it was good he was wearing a dark suit. I looked over at Claire. She was quickly dissolving into a blubbering mass. Looking directly ahead, I could see Mom decked out in her beautiful wedding dress getting ready to walk down the aisle. She had no one else to walk with her, so Pee-Paw was going to give her away.

The organ began playing and Mom and Pee-Paw took their positions. Pee-Paw leaned over and said something to Mom. She laughed and then they both got serious. Holding the pillow with the rings, I just wanted to run away. I glanced over at Oliver. I think he wanted to run away too.

I sighed heavily as I looked at the people sitting on Oliver’s side of the church. I couldn’t believe that this band of illiterate inbreds were going to be my family. Actually, they weren’t hillbillies. That’s just how I thought of them. But I’m not exaggerating my dislike of having to associate with this group I don’t know and have to call them family. I swear though. If Uncle Ralph touches me, I’m going to scream.

Everything felt like it was in slow motion as Mom stepped slowly up in her wedding march.

Pee-Paw promised to take me to Dairy Queen after the reception.

As they almost reached the dais, the preacher asked in a solemn tone, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?”

Pee-Paw grinned and said, “She gives herself.” Well, Mom and Dad aren’t around.

Mom stepped up onto the dais with me between her and Oliver. I’m mere seconds away from having to call this clown “Dad”. I looked up at Mom as she was repeating her vows. Call me an old softie, but Mom really did look radiant. She was glowing and she really did look beautiful in her wedding dress. She carefully lifted Oliver’s ring from the pillow and a chill ran down my spine as she recited, “With this ring, I thee wed.” I closed my eyes. Oh my God, we’re at the halfway point. Mom ran her fingers through my hair.

All eyes shifted to whats-his-name… oh, Oliver. Mom had stopped breathing. Claire had stopped breathing. I think I was the only one breathing. Oliver droned on through repeating his vows. Oliver winked at me as he picked up the ring for Mom.

I had really hoped that at this point, someone would jump up and shout, “Stop the wedding! Denise, you can’t marry this scoundrel. You must marry me, your one true love!” Sadly, that didn’t happen.

Oliver slipped the ring onto Mom’s finger. “With this ring, I thee wed…” Make it stop!

The preacher smiled at Mom and Oliver and said, “By the power vested in me…” This can’t really be happening!

To be continued…