"He'll have his suspicions, but there's no need to worry - just swat him away, like any girl would a snoopy thirteen year old boy."

"I can't wait, Susie: it's my dream come true - a randy teenager feeling me up."

"I know, Jeffrey - and I promise you, I'll be doing that later."

 

 

 

 

Chapter 13

"Shake a leg, Jeffrey - Barnardo's awaits us."

I brightened and picked up the pace. "That's the best charity shop for second hand books, but I'm surprised a fashionista like you would buy clothes there."

"Where better to find some out of date, scruffy clobber for your next character - an introverted, chess playing, tomboy, geek girl," Susie smiled.

"That's an act I should be able to bring off without too much difficulty."

"Do as I say and you'll be totally convincing," she instructed. "You can start by projecting yourself into the role."

"No problem," I smirked, "before I met you, I fantasized of little else."

"Oh, what about those B.B.C. weather girls?"

"Yes, them too," I conceded.

"And sexy librarians."

"So, I have a weakness for intelligent, forceful women. You can't complain," I huffed, "you've certainly had some fun out of it."

"This time, there's serious money at stake - plus my reputation," she warned, "so don't go playing the silly beggar."

"I don't know what you mean," I bristled. "Yesterday I acted the skittish schoolgirl for you - tomorrow I'll be your brainy bluestocking."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey." Susie put her arm around me. "I shouldn't be complaining about you throwing yourself totally into the part."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Oh, there's no escaping your passion for Denise," she grinned. "It's almost as great as mine."

"We've certainly had our moments," I smiled as she squeezed my bottom, "especially some of the more intimate ones."

"I said you'd be happy dressing to please."

"I'm happy to still be in one piece, after what you've put me through this week," I contended.

Susie laughed. "You've had a tough initiation, like in that film - 'A Man Called Horse' - have you seen it?"

"No, that sounds like the stuff of nightmares," I shuddered. "You surprise me - I didn't think you were looking for that in a man."

"It's not that sort of a film," she giggled.

"It's an off-putting title anyway: men and horses aren't among my favourite things. I'm not going to seek it out - you'll have to enlighten me."

"Well," she explained, "like him, you've successfully come through a series of tests and now I have to accept you into my tribe."

"Oh come on, Susie, there was no way you would have failed me."

"True," she confessed. "I'd already marked you down to be my boy - and my girl." Susie kissed me on the cheek. "What I didn't expect though, is that we'd turn out to be such soul mates."

"Count yourself lucky, you've only had one surprise," I grumbled. "I've had a whole bloody string and I don't suppose they've ended yet."

"Worry not, I've every confidence that you'll take them all in your stride - high heeled or otherwise."

"Perhaps you're right," I mused. "After all, I've fought a beast of a dog armed with just a bicycle pump and fallen from a great height with only a skirt for a parachute."

"Don't get too cocky, Jeffrey."

"Sorry," I mocked, "I suppose old Horse kilt a baar with his bare hands."

"No, he had to endure being strung up by his pectorals."

"How did they manage that?" I puzzled.

"Shoved a pair of hooks through his chest," Susie grimaced as she demonstrated.

"Don't be so insensitive," I shivered, "Pinky and Perky might be listening. They're not to be upset - I've promised that nothing will happen to them whilst they're in my care."

Susie gave me a curious look. "It's sweet that you're so attached to them. Tell me, just out of interest, have you a pet name for your boy bits as well?"

"No, we're not on such familiar terms. I'd say that we have a more business-like relationship." I paused. "Honestly, I'm not too thrilled by their appearance - they look like a tacked on afterthought."

"More like the work of a committee of blind watchmakers than a grand designer."

"Well, if there is a grand designer, he's either got a bloody warped sense of humour or he knocked out the male reproductive system late one Friday afternoon."

"After staggering back late from a highly liquid lunch," Susie added cheerfully.

"He took the hammer to it. At best it's a dongle - in fact, it's a bit of a kludge all round. I suppose it's just one of those things you have to put up with."

"Life isn't a bowl of cherries, Jeffrey."

"If only it was, Susie."

"And on top of all that," she teased, "they're so vulnerable."

"Oh, I've never had any worries in that department," I boasted. "It's funny, my reckless unconcern for their safety gave me my one moment of respect in the sporting field."

It was Susie's turn to be baffled. "I hope you don't do some silly macho trick like hanging weights from them."

"Where do you get your ideas from?"

"That's the sort of silly thing boys do," she huffed.

"Not this one. I batted without a box."

"A box?"

"Yes, the rest of the lads couldn't shove one down their flannels fast enough. It was the same one, actually - the school's a bit short of cricket equipment."

"Ah, I get you - but that's unsanitary. You were wise to pass on that: who knows where it had been?"

"That's the whole point, Susie - I knew precisely where it had been."

"Ah - nuff said, Jeffrey."

We walked on, hand in hand. "I don't understand boy behaviour at all," I reflected. "In the fourth form, one lot's favourite pastime was karate chopping each other in the balls at every opportunity."

"That sounds a queer sort of a game."

"You may very well be right. They went around with one hand permanently clutching their groins, but there were still an awful lot of direct hits."

"They weren't discouraged."

"No, they were only too eager to risk their manhoods and go back for more."

"Just like you with me, Jeffrey."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Susie. I think you're worth the gamble."

Susie shut the door behind her and had a quick look around. "Shopping for clothes in a charity shop - the things I'm prepared to do for you, Jeffrey. Let's get away from here before anyone sees me."

"Here, I'll carry the Barnardo's bag."

I took it off her. "You're a true gentleman - being prepared to sacrifice your reputation for me. You deserve a little present."

She passed over a pink, heart-shaped, balloon with 'Sweetie-Pie' emblazoned on it.

"I'm not so sure about this, Susie. Can I hold it so it floats over your head?"

"You're the sweetie-pie, Jeffrey."

"I know, but I don't want to advertise the fact," I grumbled. "I think modesty becomes me. Besides, this sort of thing is tacky."

"Don't knock it, Miss Prissy - my summer job was working for a novelty firm. Compared to some of the stuff they turned out, that's the height of good taste."

I gave her a suspicious look. "You've kept that very quiet."

Susie raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"I'm just surprised you've never mentioned this industrious ant side of your life before, especially when I've been on about your carefree grasshopper attitude to money - my money in particular."

"I didn't think you'd be interested in such mundane things," she explained. "I don't know why you're so sceptical, Jeffrey - I always tell you the truth."

"It may start out that way, but after your mind's applied its own unique brand of fuzzy logic to it, what finally emerges is another matter entirely."

"Well, I assure you, I didn't idle away my summer holidays like some people. What's more, I gave it my all. I was a much appreciated worker - I cheered up the whole place."

"I don't doubt it," I apologised. "Your personality lights up a room. My heart gives a little skip every time I see you."

"Well, you're not the only one; I didn't lack admirers."

"I can believe that."

Susie glanced up. "Funnily enough, I was most appreciated by those who had to inflate the helium balloons - every one of them spoke very highly of me."

I let 'Sweetie Pie' float away and stared straight ahead, but finally had to look her in the eye.

"Gotcha, Jeffrey!" Susie gloated in triumph. "See, I've learnt a trick or two from you. Come on, show your appreciation."

"Eee lass, ain't it grand to be daft," I gurned.

"I suppose that's the best I can expect. Stop mucking about and get a move on."

I hurried after her. "Look what I got in there, Susie." I flicked open the topmost book.

"All I can see are rows and rows of numbers, Jeffrey."

"I know: aren't they fantastic? Two pristine volumes of Chamber's six figure mathematical tables - I've always wanted a set." I sniffed the pages. "They've such a wonderful smell."

"Why on earth did you buy them?"

"Well, nobody else would have - they were destined for the tip. I couldn't let that happen; they're works of art. I love looking at page after page of numbers - they're so soothing. It'll be nice to do it dressed as Denise."

"Sometimes, I wonder exactly what I've taken on with you, Jeffrey. You don't read the telephone directory, do you?"

"No: too many letters and not enough numbers - the same as Countdown." I rolled my eyes. "Odd, but harmless - that's me."

"I don't know about harmless, but my plan calls for you to act and dress distinctly oddly this weekend."

"Nothing new there, then."

"Just listen and learn," Susie continued. "You won't be the only one whose look will attract notice. My outfit will be more than eye-catching so that people's attention will be focused on our outward appearance."

"You mean they won't notice our faces."

"They won't even see mine under the pink wig and behind the dark glasses. That's all they'll remember about me - plus the fact that I've been parading around in a mini-skirt and that bustier. You can rest assured, Jeffrey," she grinned, "after we do the switch, no one will be any the wiser."

"Wait a minute," I burst out, "that means I'll be strutting around like some strumpet."

"Well, if you have the urge to strut, that's your business - only be careful."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Why are you getting so upset? I told you back there what you'd be wearing."

"I thought you might have been joking. Besides, you just said I was going to be a chess geek."

"Wait until you've heard the whole plan, then we can talk about any little misgivings you may have."

It wasn't something I wanted to argue about in the street. "Okay, we'll leave it for later, but I'll take some convincing."

Susie smiled and pulled a heavy, fur trimmed anorak out of the Barnardo's bag, which she promptly binned. "Here you may as well try this on now."

"I'll be swamped in that."

"That's the idea - come on, get into it."

I passed over my books, shrugged on the coat and fastened the buttons.

"Pull up the hood and put these on." She handed over a pair of heavy horn rimmed specs.

I saw my reflection in a shop window. "Don't you think this outfit's too ... you know, mannish for a girl?"

"It doesn't matter, Jeffrey - a little androgyny won't hurt."

"People may take me for a sissy boy - I don't want that sort of trouble."

"You're well on the girl side," Susie reassured. "Anyhow, there's no need to worry, it's a chess congress - everybody's sex drive will be sublimated."

I tried another tack. "Look at me - I'll be mistaken for a trainspotter. Can't you find something else?"

Susie fished into her bag. "How about these granny glasses? I suppose you could wear them with a shabby mac and your hair tucked under a beret."

"Oh give me a break, please. I'm not traipsing around looking like bloody Benny Hill."

"Then we should stick to my original idea. Believe me, the anorak suits you. That fur trim makes a lovely frame for your face."

"I don't know; I'll look a total wazzock."

Susie threw up her hands. "Chess player - trainspotter - what's the difference?"

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Five hundred pounds at least - that's what you're banking on."

She entertained herself by spending it ten times over on the way home.

We'd just turned the corner into Susie's street. "Is there something you'd like to confide in me?" I murmured into her ear.

"I love you, Jeffrey."

"I love you too, Susie - that's why we should have no secrets from each other."

"My life's an open book as far as you're concerned, Jeffrey."

"Well then, tell me what else you've been up to."

"I don't know what you mean; I'm completely in the dark."

"If you'd come out from behind those sunglasses, you'd see a policeman has just come out of your gate and he's waiting on our arrival."

"Have no fear, Jeffrey - we'll be each other's alibi. Come on, don't hang back - it'll only make you look guilty."

"Just be careful what you say."

"Don't worry, it can't be anything serious - they've sent him round on a pushbike."

"Look at all that equipment he's got dangling from him and his trusty steed," I hissed as we came up to the gate. "He's a veritable Mr Bean of law enforcement."

I wasn't far wrong; he pulled out his notebook and introduced himself. "Hello, Hello, Hello - I presume one of you is a Miss Susan Jones."

"Guilty. What's up, guv - has my little brother reported me for assault?"

"We've no time for domestics," he sniffed. "I'm investigating the important case of the disappearance of a valuable pedigree dog."

"I can't help you there: I'm a cat person." She stroked the fur around my hood. "Purr for the nice gentleman, Denise."

"Not now, Susie - we mustn't waste police time. You'll have to forgive us officer," I swallowed hard, "we're just a pair of giddy girls."

"Yes, complete scatterbrains, that's us - if we can't wear it, we're not interested in it."

"Can we get on, Miss Jones. I understand you were out on a delivery round, early on Sunday morning and you left one of your magazines at the Hardiman place. That's the old farmhouse up by the sea wall."

"Yes, that was our last stop. We were glad to be finished. It's not a job for two smart girls - is it, Denise?"

He turned to me. "You were there too."

I nodded.

"That's good, two pair of eyes are better than one. Did you see the dog while you were there?"

"No, everything was locked up, so we stuck the mag in the gate and came away," Susie offered and I prayed she would keep to our story.

"There was no one else around - perhaps a car or a van parked nearby."

"Well actually," Susie put her arm around me, "it was our first time out together and we were more interested in each other." She gave me a kiss. "You know what it's like when you're in love."

He coloured slightly. "Oh, you're those sort of girls."

"What do you mean - those sort of girls?" Susie huffed. "Your careers officer told us the police force welcomed diversity. We were looking forward to being women in uniform, weren't we, Denise?"

"Well, you'll need to improve your powers of observation and not be distracted."

"It seems a lot of fuss over a missing dog; I expect it'll come home when it's hungry."

"Not if he's been stolen or dognapped. Cosseted animals like that don't just disappear - they know when they're well off."

"Perhaps he heard the call of the wild. That can happen to anyone, can't it, Denise?"

"I don't know about that, but it sounds like 'cherchez la femme' might be the best strategy."

"In this case, all the ladies came to him for servicing - that's where his value lay."

"I bet the owners are relieved to be rid of him," Susie suggested. "They'll have oodles of his sperm in the fridge - they're probably glad to see the back of the arrogant sod." She leaned forward. "Have you considered the possibility of an insurance swindle?"

"No I have not," the officer spluttered. "Alderman Hardiman's on the watch committee."

"I still think you should bear it in mind," Susie sniffed. "Dog breeding - all sorts of jiggery-pokery goes on there."

"Have you read 'Silver Blaze' - with the dog that didn't bark in the night?" I threw in. "If your theory's correct, it's strange the mutt didn't make a fuss."

"They fed it a doped steak, my girl - those gypsies are cunning."

"Ah, you're one step ahead of us," Susie declared. "You've been reading Enid Blyton."

"I don't need her or Sherlock Holmes to teach me my business - there's no place for amateurs in today's modern police force."

I sighed with relief as he mounted his bike, but Susie had to have the last word. "Do you have much trouble with dogs?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you're cycling along with all that paraphernalia bouncing up and down, you must be a regular dog magnet."

"I've had no trouble with them. We're trained to exhibit a calm determined air of authority - they probably sense it instinctively."

"Is that what your whistle's for, dog control?"

"No, that's official police issue - only to be blown in an emergency."

"Denise has a little whistle - she won't go anywhere without it."

"Then she's a very wise young lady; every girl should have one."

"I think one between two is okay - there's no sense in unnecessary duplication."

"As long as you stick together, that's fine. Now, I must be on my way."

"Do you take all that equipment home with you?"

"Only some of the smaller items."

"You get to play with the handcuffs, then."

"Certainly not - they aren't toys."

"Have you ever used them on anybody?"

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time."

Susie pulled my arms behind my back. "Let's put the bracelets on Denise. Tying her up and tickling her really turns me on."

"You shouldn't be indulging in that sort behaviour," the constable choked. "Let alone be discussing it with strange men."

"Denise doesn't mind: she's a real sport - she'll bend over backwards to please."

The policeman mounted his machine and turned to me. "Frankly, my dear, I think you may have fallen into the wrong company. All I hope is that you get over the silly schoolgirl crush you seem to have on Miss Jones," he harrumphed, before disgustedly rattling off on his bike.

"Did you have to, Susie?"

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Make out we're a couple of turned on lesbian airheads."

"You started it - 'a pair of giddy girls' - I ask you."

"I only wanted to throw him off the scent; I was worried what you might say."

"Well, I followed your lead and it worked - he certainly hasn't marked us down as dog killers."

"No, but he thinks I'm a girl - and a kinky one at that. Why do you have to tell such porkies?" I moaned. "I'm not even ticklish."

"You haven't been tickled by me yet, Jeffrey."

"Don't change the subject. Some of the tales you spin could cause us a lot of bother."

"You should be grateful," she snorted. "Yet again, I've steered us out of a potentially tricky situation."

"I'm not sure about that; I don't think we were in much danger, Susie. What's the police force coming to if the newest recruits can't tell a boy from a girl?"

"You're quite a challenge, Jeffrey - and he wasn't a real policeman, he was only a community support officer."

"Are you sure? With all that gear, I thought he must be a member of the local swat team."

"He'd bought it himself. I had a good look - everything was made by the Acme novelty company."

 

Chapter 14

"But you wanted me to paint your nails," Susie chafed. "Look, it's baby pink and I've lipstick to match - your mum will be delighted."

My bed squeaked as I sat on my hands. "Only if it was part of a quiet night in - not preparation for our next little adventure," I huffed.

"I promise you won't be wearing it this weekend. Come on, it will help you to relax while we go over the details together."

"This should be enlightening," I griped, "since so far, what I know most about is how you intend to spend my winnings."

"I don't understand, Jeffrey - on our way home, you seemed quite enthusiastic about the whole thing."

"Resigned to it, more like. I was attracted by the prospect of you becoming independently wealthy - a fiancée who wouldn't put any more strain on my finances."

"If that's what's worrying you, I guarantee we'll go halvsies with the prize money."

I raised my eyebrows. "Give me some credit: the cheque will be made out to Susan Jones - it'll disappear into your bank account, never to be seen again."

"I'll invest it wisely for both of us," she beamed, "you won't be disappointed. Now, stop shilly-shallying, you can't fool me - Denise is busting to get out and about this weekend."

"Out," I sighed and let Susie take my hand, "but not about. You know I'm not keen on that. Denise is liable to make more enemies - or even worse, more friends."

She set to work. "The lesson you should have learned this week is that you're less confusing to other people as Denise than Jeffrey."

"Not everybody's an Inspector Clouseau," I protested. "And you don't help - misdirecting folk."

"Neither do you - you deliberately shun any typical boy behaviour."

"Only the sort that makes me uncomfortable - I should be appreciated as a new man," I moaned. "What's more, this has all started since I met you - nobody paid me any attention before that."

"You're not a child any longer, Jeffrey. People are becoming curious about you."

"I haven't developed as a young man yet, that's all. I'm still stuck as a boy."

"A pretty one who behaves like he wants the world to think she's a tomboy."

"Well, I'm not conscious of it," I argued. "I take hardly any interest in my appearance. Careful there, you've missed a bit."

"Sorry," Susie smiled, "I know you're something of a perfectionist."

"It's different with you - I don't mind giving Denise full rein. Actually, I don't seem to have much choice in the matter - she's itching to be your girl."

Susie grinned and released my hand with a flourish. "All done, how about that?"

I spread out my fingers. "Oh, that's scary," I gasped. "Such a trivial thing, yet it's so feminising. I'm coming over all Denise."

"Let me do your toenails - you'll be able to leave that on permanently."

"Go on, I may as well have the complete set."

Susie lifted my foot into her lap. "About tomorrow, Jeffrey."

"I know what you mean about being safer as Denise, but that would only apply if there was no chance of me being recognised and if ... er ..."

"If what?"

"If she knew how to behave," I blurted out.

"I've no complaints."

"That's the trouble - you make me act the cheeky young girl. It's fun in private, but it's foolish in a public place."

"You needn't worry: this weekend you'll be a shy, chess playing nerd. You can be Miss Prim and Proper to your heart's content."

"With you around - I don't think so. Even as a girl geek, you'll land me in bother."

Susie chose to ignore my fears. "All finished, Jeffrey."

I looked at my painted nails. "I suppose that I'll just have to get used to it - from now on, it's a life in pink for me. And there I was, thinking I was your typical girl next door."

"Take your tongue out of your cheek and put it in mine."

"I'm not going to be diverted that easily. I want to know why you have to dress so outrageously."

"I've told you: the greater the contrast the better - and a pink wig is all I've got."

"But you won't be able to wander around the hotel for two days in that getup - what will people think?"

"It's only on the Sunday and I'll blend in perfectly," she smirked. "There's something I haven't told you."

"Well, that comes as no surprise," I huffed. "What is it - are they holding a tarts and vicars dance in the ballroom?"

"No, Jeffrey - that's next week. I've already got our dog collars - yours is the leather one with a padlock."

"Very funny, but I can't see what else you could possibly be mistaken for."

"Think, Jeffrey: skimpily clad nubile young girls."

"It's a posh hotel, I'm sure they don't welcome those kind of hen parties, Susie."

"These are respectable girls - they're national treasures."

"Where's this - HumbertHumbertLand?"

"No, they couldn't be more wholesome. This Sunday I'm going to be one of Dr Who's girl assistants - there's a convention this weekend - I'll be one among hundreds."

"I don't recall any with pink hair and sunglasses and flashing their boobs."

"If anyone asks, I'll tell them she appeared in a lost episode."

"That's okay for you, but what about me - I'll end up wearing your clothes."

"Only for half an hour, tops, you can hide in a corner if you like - or spend the time on the bog."

"A lot could go wrong. You can be sure Slope will turn up and try to thwart us."

"That just adds spice to it. Why argue - you know that you're going to do it."

"I suppose so, but at the first sign of real trouble, I'm heading for home."

"Denise is made of steely stuff, Jeffrey - I know she won't let me down." Susie went over to my wardrobe. "You'll soon have more girl clothes than boy clothes."

"Well, at least there's no danger of me losing my trousers this time."

She moved on to my drawers. "Oh, what's this - have you been shopping without me?" She held up a rose embroidered bra and panties set.

"They just appeared as if by magic. If I wasn't so trusting, I'd swear you and my mother were in league."

She tossed them over. "Put them on and let me dress you up."

I hesitated. "The things I'm willing to do to please you."

"And yourself."

"Yes, it's so unfair - as if it's not enough that I'm besotted with you, I have to be infatuated with Denise as well."

Susie watched as I manoeuvred Pinky and Perky into place. "There's more to those two than meets the eye, Jeffrey."

"How many times do I have to tell you - they're pseudo-breasts. I'm just not one of your chainy-boned or athletic types. I have an over generous allotment of adipose tissue."

"More like a smallholding if you ask me."

"I show the patience of saint towards you, Susie."

She pinched my left nipple. "Does that do anything for you, Jeffrey?"

"Aaah, of course it does. You could tweak me anywhere and get a reaction."

She rolled it between her finger and thumb. "Do you like this?"

"Oh yes," I moaned. "It's a whole new sensation - do it some more."

I closed my eyes. "What are you thinking, Jeffrey?"

"You're stirring some deep-rooted, primitive feelings. It's like ... like ..."

Susie continued her manipulation. "Like what, Jeffrey?"

"Oh, this takes me back," I groaned. "The pain and the pleasure. I used to do it for hours - waggling my ... my ..."

"Waggling your what?"

"My loose baby teeth."

"Ow! That hurt, Susie."

"Sorry, Jeffrey - but your romancing can be so frustrating."

"It's not my fault," I sulked, "you encourage me."

"I was only trying to get to the bottom of things."

"Well, Perky wants you to kiss her better or she's not coming out to play again."

Susie went to work with a will. "All better now."

"You're forgiven, but Pinky's jealous."

"Just one - we've got to get on." She obliged and stepped back. "That's a very attractive set - where did your mum buy them?"

"Aldi, I expect."

"Oh."

"You're a snob, Susie Jones."

"Shut up and put on your tights."

"Yes, sir."

I pulled them on and was inspired to strike a pose for Susie's benefit. I glanced in the mirror and bang went my resolution about careless talk. "I wouldn't mind doing some underwear modelling - do you think I could pass as a junior miss?"

Susie stared hard and surprised me by asking. "Are you still eating lots of fish, Jeffrey?"

"More than ever - I'm a real cod head. You've no need to worry, the Minor's limited to 1400 ELO. The only danger is some other unrated kid like me in his first tournament."

"That wasn't what I meant."

I realised from the look on her face she was about to impart her latest dangerous wisdom. "Go on, tell me the worst."

"Chemicals in the water are causing male fish to change sex. Anything further up the food chain, like seals and humans, receives a higher dose. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"You're not going to dump me for an Eskimo, are you?"

"Be serious, Jeffrey."

"I just wish you'd stop googling. It's another scare story. Anyway, cod are supposed to be on the verge of extinction, I would have thought the more females the better. You're the biologist - it's all to do with population dynamics, isn't it?"

"I know you shouldn't be eating endangered species. You'll send them the same way as the dinosaurs."

"Don't blame me for that - it was well before my time. An expert, like you, would know when that was, wouldn't she, Susie?"

"It was a long time ago."

"You've no idea."

"Yes, I have."

"Go on then, when was it exactly?"

"It was a Tuesday," She flicked her finger. "Chalk another one up to me, Jeffrey."

"It only counts half when I'm modelling lingerie for you." I put my hands on my knees and stuck out my bum. "I'm putting my heart and soul into this."

"Tits and arse, more like."

"Don't be crude - this is an artistic pose."

"Carry on as you are and you might get stuck like that, Jeffrey."

"I don't care: I'm not giving up fish - that's where Newton got his brains."

"I don't want you emulating him - he was a cranky old bachelor."

I turned away and looked at Susie over my shoulder. "You need have no fears on that score. I decided to find some other role model when I discovered that his scientific curiosity extended to poking a bodkin in behind his eyeball."

"Aw, Jeffrey - that's gross. What happened?"

"He saw a lot of bright colours, suffered a splitting headache and had to lie in a darkened room for four days. Compared to my experiences with you, he got off pretty damn lightly for his folly."

"Jeffrey!" Susie gave me a whack on the bottom. "Here's me showing concern for you over your fish eating habits."

"Sorry, I'm just surprised you're warning me. I'd have thought my ignorance could well lead to your bliss." I tried another pose.

"Stop admiring yourself and get into this," Susie laughed and held out a skirt.

I didn't immediately step forward. "Now what's the matter?"

"This is like my first time completely voluntary - I wonder if I'm doing the right thing."

"It's just between you and me."

"I know and the thought of a nice quiet life as a girl would've had its appeal in the past, but the combination of you and the clothes has a bizarre effect on my personality. It's not at all how I imagined it."

"This is a modest little outfit - you'll feel right at home."

I stepped into the skirt and Susie pulled it up.

"I'll do the zip, Jeffrey."

"It's okay, I can manage."

"I know, but I'd like to do it for you."

Susie came around the back and slowly zipped it up. "Make the most of it - you'll be in dull old jeans tomorrow."

"I won't be complaining; Outside, I'm happy to be little Miss Anonymous."

I buttoned up the long-sleeved, scoop neck cardigan and stepped into a pair of shoes. I looked in the mirror. "Life's a complete mystery, isn't it, Susie?"

"It has to be that way, Jeffrey."

"I know, but a few clues on how to handle the common everyday stuff wouldn't come amiss."

Susie busied herself with my make-up. "Don't you want to learn to do this?"

"Not really: I like you fussing around me."

"I won't overdo it - I want you to make the right impression on mum."

I leapt back in alarm. "I really don't want Denise to meet your mother, Susie."

"Don't be silly, she's already met dad."

"I can hardly believe that happened. I think I really was in shock after that ladder escapade. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I still was."

"Have you been dreaming about falling, Jeffrey."

"No, I haven't - and one thing I definitely don't want to hear is your interpretation of my dreams."

"Suit yourself." Susie began brushing my hair. "Now, I've explained to mum and dad how you're having a confusing puberty and find it hard to make friends."

"Did you have to?"

"Yes: I told them I've taken you under my wing."

"Don't you think it would be simpler to say you've found a boyfriend who's daft enough to indulge your little quirk?"

"Dad's seen you as Denise and there's no way he'll believe it's a simple case of dress-up. Besides, there's no harm in my parents thinking I'm a caring person who's selflessly assisting a poor little lamb who's lost his way."

"Oh Susie, - this is too much - now I've a Sister of Mercy for a girlfriend."

"Rubbish, it's just that every little helps in my quest for wheels."

"I hope this isn't going to be a rerun of cousin Carol and her horse - where once you get your precious car, I get ditched."

"There's no chance of that."

"With your driving, I wouldn't be so sure."

"I don't know how you can talk like that when I'm doing my best for you," Susie huffed. "The least you can do is cooperate."

"It'll be awkward for me," I moaned.

"You've no need to worry, mum's very understanding - she has to be to put up with dad."

"I'd rather not put her to the test."

"She'll be hurt if you avoid her." Susie put down the brush. "She's looking forward to sorting out your hair."

"You mean she really was a hairdresser - you weren't joking."

"Why would I joke about a thing like that?"

"No reason: I'm having a bit of difficulty knowing exactly what to believe at the moment."

"Well, believe this - you're going to meet the Joneses."

 

Chapter 15

Susie helped me down off the fence into her garden.

"One more thing, Jeffrey - as far as Mikey is concerned, you're Denise and you're a girl. Mum and dad don't want him befuddled."

"Wait a minute, this is something else you're springing on me. I'm not prepared for this."

"Yes, you are. You look ever so cute. The worst that can happen is that Mikey gets a case of puppy love."

"Now you are joking."

"No, it's the most natural thing in the world. Little brother moons over big sister's girlfriend. I hope you'll be sensitive to his feelings - don't go breaking his heart."

"Never mind that, what about me? Kids can be so cruel, as you well know. Don't forget, he's seen my picture."

"Only fully photoshopped as Denise - and the fact that dad is welcoming you with open arms has thrown him. He'll have his suspicions, but there's no need to worry - just swat him away, like any girl would a snoopy thirteen year old boy."

"I can't wait, Susie: it's my dream come true - a randy teenager feeling me up."

"I know, Jeffrey - and I promise you, I'll be doing that later."

"If your brother's anything like you ..."

"Don't worry, he has to tread carefully at the moment - he's replaced me in the doghouse. He's squandering his expensive, private education which plays right into my hands," Susie smiled. "A little bit of parental guilt is a wonderful thing."

"You don't mind him being favoured."

"No, my granddad's paying. If I play my cards right, I could be chauffeuring you around in a very nice car next year."

"Make sure you get someone to fork out for the insurance as well. Triple X-rated cover if you can manage it."

"I've never heard of that."

"I just made it up."

"Get in here." Susie swung open the back door.

"Just a trim, Denise."

Mrs Jones and I were getting on famously. She's a kind woman, but Susie must have told her one hell a story. I'm playing my part too - it's easier than I thought.

"That'll be fine. I don't want to upset my regular barber - he's almost ninety."

"I don't like to criticise, but you've let things get out of control."

"I'm know, but the further I can keep his scissors from my ears the better. He's already had one nasty accident with a customer - it was quite upsetting to witness."

"Oh dear, how frightful for you. Was there a lot of blood?"

"Oodles - and sifting through all that hair looking for the missing earlobe was no picnic. What happened to it is a mystery to this day."

"But, it couldn't just have disappeared."

"I have my own theory, but I thought it best not to mention it."

"Go on, you have to tell me now."

"Well, ever since, the shop cat has sat under that chair with its mouth wide open and licking its lips - draw your own conclusions."

"Don't believe a word of it, mum - Denise is having one of her flights of fancy. It's a little quirk of hers."

"Well, you should know all about such things - some of the tales you've told dad and me. And the things you haven't told us - like what exactly you'll be getting up to this weekend."

"We're on a mission for the school - everything's above board. Denise will make you proud of me."

"Is that why you want her hair cut like yours?"

"It won't hurt, but it needed something doing to it anyway."

"Are you going to be okay at school with your hair like Susie's?"

"That's the least of my worries. The fact that I've suddenly become Susie's boyfriend and we wander around like a couple of lovebirds has caused quite a stir."

"Plus," Susie added, "Jeffrey is the uber science nerd in the school. I have to admit there's a prejudice to see those types as inherently male."

"Well, Halloween's certainly going to put that little theory to the test," I sighed. "It seems Denise is going to have to put in an appearance and compared to that a girly haircut is no big deal."

Mrs Jones put down her scissors. "I can understand what you mean, dear. Perhaps you should think about a skeleton costume."

"Once the rest of the boys find out Jeffrey's responsible for them losing the bet, they'll demand he shares their fate."

"I think Jeffrey has enough on his plate without any additional traumas, Susie. You really should try to get him out of it."

"I'd rather she didn't, Mrs Jones: Susie's plans can have unintended consequences. The fact is I'm resigned to my fate. As a result of the events of the last week, I've developed an air of Olympian detachment over the whole business."

"In the words of Wittgenstein - 'Que sera, sera' - eh, Denise."

"Don't be flippant, Susie - this is a serious matter. You might find it amusing, but it must worry Denise."

"It's okay, Mrs Jones. It's complicated and I don't understand it all, but I do know Susie's on my side."

"Come here you two." Mrs Jones hugged us both. "You've a big responsibility, Susie - see that you take good care of Denise."

"I will, mum - I will."

"So this is what a teenage girl's room looks like."

"Do you like it, Denise?"

"I have to be honest, Susie - there's no way I would swap this with my room or even with my shed, for that matter. I guess I must be a peculiar mixture."

"It'd be no fun if we were identical twins, Jeffrey."

"Oh, don't be too hasty, Susie - ever since the hairstyling, I've been having a lesbian sisters fantasy."

"Aw, you've spoiled my surprise, Denise."

"What if I close my eyes and let you creep up on me?"

We were interrupted by a pounding on the stairs. "Oh bugger, we'll have to put this on hold - it's little brother time."

Mikey burst into the room. "Mum says I have to be nice to someone called Denise, but you can't fool me. Where is he, Susie?"

"If you mean Jeffrey, he's at home. This is Denise - you have her to thank for your new bike."

I braced myself for his interrogation. If what Susie had told me was true, he might not be totally unsympathetic. But then again, he was a teenager now and he looked like he had an excess of hormones.

"You're not having it back." Mikey gave me a sly look. "Do you know Jeffrey?"

"Of course I do - he's Susie's boyfriend."

"Do you fancy him?"

"I've known him all my life; we're like brother and sister."

"Was that Denise's picture or Jeffrey's I swiped off you, Susie?"

"It could have been either, or both: I was practicing morphing on all my friends."

Mikey helped himself to a banana. "I have to keep my strength up - I've had a growth spurt. You know what I mean, Denise."

"I'd rather not speculate."

"It's bloody amazing. You'd have thought thirteen years of Susie would have put me off girls for life, but I'm even beginning to appreciate her."

"I think we should forget the past and live and let live, don't you? Mum and dad want Denise to be happy coming round here."

"Are you any good at maths, Denise? I could use some help with my homework - Susie's bloody useless."

"Go and get it and she'll do it for you."

Mikey vanished out of the door. "He must know, Susie."

"What if he does? He's intrigued and as long as he's getting something out of it, he'll play along."

Mikey arrived back. "You write out the answers and I'll copy them later."

"Don't you want me to explain?"

"No, just get on with it."

"Okay," I sighed.

"I'll sit next to you and watch."

Mikey was as good as his word, but paid me more close attention than the figures. "Denise has nice small hands, Susie," he grinned. "Are they her own?"

"Give the cheeky sod a smack, Denise."

"She won't do that - she's not a girl like you." He slipped his hand over mine. "It's warm, Susie - perhaps I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Are you going to be nice to me, Denise?"

"Behave yourself and you'll be surprised how nice both of us will be to you, Mikey."

"Is that a promise?"

"Yes: now be a good little brother and hop it - we want to try on some clothes for tomorrow."

"Can I watch? There are hardly any girls at school. It can't be good for me," he whinged. "Just take your top off, Denise - I promise I won't touch." He plonked himself on the bed. "I'm not going until you do."

"Okay," Susie agreed to my alarm, "but if she does and gives you a good look, there'll be no more Jeffrey nonsense."

"I only want to know one way or the other."

"Go on, Denise - give baby brother a thrill."

"I don't think I should - what if your parents find out?"

"I'm not going to tell them I've ogled a boy in a bra."

"Come on, a few seconds embarrassment now and we'll have some peace in the future."

"Yes, I swear I'll keep your secret - go on," Mikey urged.

"All right," I shrugged, "but keep your distance." I took off my top. "There, I hope you're satisfied."

"Bloody hell," he gulped. "They're bloody real."

I gazed down. They even fool me - perhaps Susie's right - there is more to them.

"I touched one." Mikey's hand brushed across Perky. "I've fondled a girl's breast. Just wait till Monday at school, that sod Wainwright's been banging on about feeling his sister's tits and she's a right bloody cow."

He evaded Susie and dashed out of the door. "Never mind Monday, I'm going to email him now."

She came over and kissed Pinky. "I hope you appreciate what a great pair of assets you've got there, Denise."

She had turned her attention to Perky when Mikey burst in with his camera. "Wait till the guys at school see this."

"Grab him, Denise."

"Don't come near me, or I'll shout for mum."

Susie slammed the door and cut off his retreat. "You're not getting out of here with that picture."

Mikey sat on the bed. "We can do a deal - give me what I came for and you can delete it."

"What's that, pest?"

"A picture of me with Denise."

"How about we buy it back," I offered.

"Not interested - all I want is a nice photo - nothing saucy."

"Okay, give me the camera and I'll take it."

"I'm trusting you, Susie - rat on me and I'll make your lives a misery."

"We give you our word, don't we, Denise?"

"I suppose so, but it had better be a picture you can show your parents."

He handed over the camera and I pulled my cardigan back on.

We stood with our arms round each other. "Hurry up, Susie, before his hand creeps any higher."

She clicked away and I unwound myself from Mikey. "Right, are you satisfied?"

He gave a huge grin. "Wait till the boys at school see this. None of them has such a gorgeous girlfriend."

"You can't tell them that - you're way too young for me."

"No I'm not. But anyway," he leered, "letting them know I have an older woman lusting after me is just what I need."

"Mikey, don't you go spreading any wild stories," Susie warned. "You'll land us all in bother."

"I won't," he whined. "But I'm going to get back at those wankers in the computer lab. They taped the underneath of my mouse and I fell for it - I looked a right bloody idiot."

"I bet Denise can help you there." Susie turned to me. "Go on, it won't hurt to have the little bugger in our debt."

"I know a simple trick you might like to try."

"I'll have to see it first - silly girly stuff is no good to me."

"Give me two minutes with your computer and then see if you can figure it out."

Susie was on her way. "Follow me, Denise - and brace yourself for your first sight of a teenage boy's room."

I shut the door to Mikey's room and looked around. "He's a boy with a bit of an obsession for breasts, Susie."

"It takes all sorts, Jeffrey. "

I smiled and sat down at the computer. "This is ideal, a nice cluttered desktop. Watch very carefully - I shall do this only once."

I pressed Print Scrn and pasted and saved it in Paint. "Now you right click on the desktop and untick 'Show Desktop Icons'. Then make sure the taskbar isn't locked, click along the top and drag down to make it disappear."

"I don't think that will fool him."

"Watch this." I selected 'Set As Background' and closed Paint. His desktop icons and taskbar had reappeared. "He can click away to his heart's content and nothing will happen."

Mikey came in carrying Susie's mouse and the first thing he did was swap it over. "I won't be fooled that easily."

A couple of restarts later he was still stuck on his desktop.

"Give up?"

"Yes, show me - it'd better not be too complicated."

"Got it now?"

"Yeah, leave me to it - a few more practices and I'll have it off pat."

I made for the door. "We'll leave you to it, then."

"You're quite a girl, Denise."

"I told you she was, Mikey." Susie called over her shoulder.

I was relieved to get back to her room.

"That's mum and Mikey in our pockets," Susie smiled gleefully. "Thanks, Jeffrey - you really made an effort to be winning as Denise, didn't you,?"

"It's weird," I confessed, "she doesn't actually exist, but I don't want to do anything that might make her seem mean or petty."

"You're not like that, Jeffrey."

"Wait until we're married - you're in for a shock."

"Here take that nail polish off while I sort out your stuff for tomorrow," Susie snorted.

She tossed the anorak, an old pair of her jeans, a tee shirt and some trainers on the bed. "Get that lot on."

"I'm going to look pretty peculiar playing in this outfit - especially with the hood up and those glasses."

"You're a girl chess player - you've a right to be peculiar."

"I think you may be showing a touch of male chauvinism, Susie."

"Well, some things are a bit of a mystery to me, like boys are to you."

"At least, I understand Mikey pretty well. Do you know he had his hand on my knee while I was doing his homework?"

"You should have brushed it off."

"I was waiting for you to say something and when you didn't, I thought I'd better not make a fuss. I'm sorry if I did wrong."

"It's okay, there's no harm done and you carried it off with dignity, but in future," she warned, "the knees of Denise should be a no-go area. Except for a certain person who has administrative privileges."

"You have to make allowances for me, Susie - I'm only learning the game."

"Me too, Jeffrey."

I let myself in and found mum in the kitchen. "Oh, Jeffrey - what's happened to you this time?"

"Nothing: it's a little try-out for tomorrow."

"Are you sure you aren't trying to tell me something?"

"No, it's part of a little scheme we have planned for the weekend. It's all above board, we're doing it for the school."

"I wish you'd come straight out with things, instead of making me guess. You look like you're auditioning to be a convent girl. God, Jeffrey - you don't want to become a nun, do you?"

"Of course not - you know that I'm going to marry Susie."

"That's all right, just so long as you don't elope - there's to be no more ladder climbing under any circumstances."

"My feet will be firmly on the ground. Well, as much as they ever are when I'm with Susie."

"Don't go shifting the blame, Jeffrey. It's a habit you must get out off."

I thought I should prepare the ground in case things didn't go entirely to plan. "Perhaps I should warn you, I might come home as Denise plus on Sunday."

"Denise plus?"

"I might be showing my assets and wearing a pink wig."

Mum laughed before becoming serious "We should talk more about your assets."

"I've googled them. They're most likely only excess fat. Anyway, whatever career I take up, it won't involve going topless - so I'd rather let nature take its course."

"Don't you want to be a boy, Jeffrey?"

"Not your regular, one hundred percent boy and not 24/7," I admitted. "I'm just not equipped for that."

Mum hugged me to her. "I'm happy to have you behaving normally again, however you're dressed, but it can be a little confusing at times."

"For me too - dressing up as Denise for Susie brings out the boy in Jeffrey."

 

Chapter 16

"I must have been mad agreeing to this, Jeffrey."

"Stop complaining, Susie - you know how much I like it. Sometimes, I enjoy being a boy. Keep it up," I urged. "The more you do it, the easier it gets."

"Maybe so, but this is quite a lick- you're wearing me out."

"It's all a question of technique - you need to improve your footwork."

"My footwork," she spluttered, "what the hell has that to do with it?"

"Get it right and you'll be surprised at the difference it makes. At the bottom of the stroke, make like you're wiping a dog turd of your shoe."

"What a thought to put in my head. Remind me never to ask you to talk dirty."

"Just give it a try, you'll be surprised at the results."

"I wouldn't do this for anyone else - here goes."

Susie applied herself and we speeded up. "See what I mean, we've slipped into a nice rhythm."

"That's all very well for you, but now my calves are aching."

"Never mind, get your head down and carry on pumping away."

Susie puffed out her cheeks. "Hell, Jeffrey, if I'd had my way, we'd be riding in that tram - not bloody racing it."

"Come on, Westbourne Towers is up ahead - one last effort and we'll have the satisfaction of beating them there."

The tram slowed for a coming stop and we pulled away. Susie gave the driver and passengers the finger.

"I think that was uncalled for."

"No it wasn't, they've been pulling faces at me since the last set of lights."

"You're too touchy - watch yourself from now on- that's just the sort of thing to get us in trouble tomorrow."

We swept up the drive to the hotel. "Gee, Jeffrey - it's a bloody big castle. This is great: I'll be able to amuse myself wandering around on Sunday dodging daleks and confounding cybermen."

"Can't you just sit quietly in a corner somewhere, there'll be less danger of you causing me any problems."

"You're such a worrier - all you have to do is concentrate on the games. Leave the rest to me."

"I still think you should hang around today, in case I need your support."

"You'd only be fretting about what I was getting up to. You can't expect me to kick my heels for six hours - it'd be like watching paint dry."

"Well, don't go spending our winnings before we get them. I'm glad your parents had the sense not to get you a credit card."

"I'm working on it, Jeffrey. I bet your mum would let you have one."

"You can forget that: I haven't completely lost my marbles. I've resolved to keep my hand on my hapennies from now on."

"You don't want to be near with your money - it's an unbecoming trait," Susie sniffed. "You won't hear me going on about petrol money when I'm driving us around - or insurance, or road tax and who knows what other expenses."

"I don't want to sponge off you - like I said, I'm willing to indulge any of your car fantasies, but in the garage."

"No, I want to be barrelling along the open road with my hand up your skirt - toot, toot."

"I think I'd rather you kept both hands on the wheel."

"No need, Jeffrey - I'll be steering with my feet."

We pulled up at the cycle racks. "Are you sure you want to leave your bike here?"

"Yes, I'd rather go into town on the tram."

"None of the other girls has a car, I don't know why you're bothered."

"Bikes are so juvenile."

"We are juvenile, Susie - particularly when we're together."

"Well, I'll be with the sophisticated ladies from school today - we'll be terrorising the shopping centres." Susie gave me a kiss. "Perhaps one day, Denise will be joining us. I do believe she'd enjoy a little expedition as one of the girls."

"I think even you may have trouble working that trick."

"Stranger things have happened - see you at four o'clock."

"Three wins out of three, Jeffrey."

"Yes, and I demolished the favourite in the first round. We're in line for the best game prize," I bragged. "I hope you appreciate my efforts on your behalf."

"That's an extra fifty pounds, isn't it?"

"And a trophy."

"You can keep that."

"It'll have your name on it."

"That should make it even more precious to you."

"If you knew how close it came to fouling up your plan, you wouldn't make light of it. I told you dressing like this would raise eyebrows."

"Wait until Sunday night," Susie giggled, "you'll be raising more than eyebrows."

"I must be barmy; I've already been humiliated today on your behalf," I moaned. "Old number one seed was proper miffed at being out-gunned by an unrated girl - he raised a right old stink."

"You shouldn't let male chauvinists upset you."

"That was the least of my worries. He called the controller over and I had to lower my hood and shake out my hair. I even had to unbutton my anorak."

"Chess players are a suspicious lot, Jeffrey. It must be all that planning and scheming. I think you may even suffer from a little paranoia yourself."

"Well, it's a bloody good job I do. If I hadn't had the foresight to wear a bra ..."

"Just a minute," Susie smiled, "does that mean you're wearing matching panties?"

"Of course, what kind of a girl do you think I am?"

"I was just curious - an ordinary plain set are they?"

"If you must know, they're what I had on last night. Wearing this bloody anorak, I need something to remind me to keep in character. Satisfied now?"

"It's just that there was no real need for them today."

"Well, obviously there was, otherwise I would have been in a pretty pickle. They might have suspected I was a boy."

"Pinky and Perky to the rescue yet again, eh Jeffrey. They're like your U. S. Cavalry."

"Yeah well, the advantages of being a teenage girl aren't lost on me. I whipped up my tee shirt and invited them to have a feel around in there."

Susie looked shocked. "I think you may be developing a somewhat reckless streak, Jeffrey."

"Nonsense, I knew exactly what I was doing. Two forty year old men caught giving a sixteen year old schoolgirl's boobs the once-over - I scared the living shite out of them."

We were coasting home with the sun and wind on our backs. "Bikes are a wonderful form of transport, aren't they, Susie?"

"They have their place, Jeffrey - but my heart's set on a car. I'll tell you what though; I wouldn't mind a spin on a tandem. You could pedal as fast as you like and I could pretend that I was at the wheel of a little sports job."

"I'd rather pass on that; they're expensive beasts. And besides, I haven't lost all my instincts for self-preservation."

"It was just a thought - I know how much you like us to do things together."

"Here's one for you, Susie. Why is it that with no training, you're capable of bowling along, almost indefinitely, at four-minute mile pace? After all, it's the same heart, lungs and muscles you use for running, but put you on a bike and you can outperform an Olympic athlete."

"That's easy, Jeffrey: I'm sitting down."

"You could ride out of the saddle and still do it."

Susie thought for a moment. "Well then, it's because the wheels are round."

"That's no answer."

"Alright, Mr Clever Clogs, you can show off - what's the reason?"

"I'll leave it for you to consider. It'll do your mind good to think on higher things."

"Please yourself," she sniffed. "I'll google it when I get home."

"Best of luck: I'd rather you hunted that down than spent your time prying into my little problems."

"About that, do you think cycling will do as much for my figure as it's done for yours, Jeffrey?" Susie winked.

"Well, your dad's got a big bottom, so you may have problems in that area in later life."

"You cheeky sod."

"No, I'm not. It's just that you'd be wise to follow my example and keep it in check. Then, you'll have your assets firmly under control."

Susie looked over her shoulder. "Tell me the truth, does my bum look big on this bike?"

I stood on the pedals and followed her up the inside of a line of cars at the traffic lights.

"You look fine from here: it's as pert as mine."

Thwwaaack!

"Aaargh, Susie - do something."

"What's happened - has some road hog forced you into the gutter?"

"No: some swine has swatted me across the fanny. Don't laugh," I fumed, "he had a hand like a bunch of bananas."

"It feels as good as it looks, darling."

I turned to my right and a spotty lad thrust a can of lager under my nose. "Want to join us for a party? There's plenty of room on the backseat for that bum of yours."

I ignored him and turned towards Susie.

"Come on, it's not every day you get the chance of a ride in a motor like this, with a couple of outlaws like us."

Susie at last came to the rescue. "You're making a big mistake, pizza face." She turned to me. "Should I enlighten him?"

"I was only joking about your bottom," I hissed. "I didn't realise it was such a sensitive subject."

"You should be ashamed of yourself," Susie shouted across and to my relief continued. "Denise is only fourteen and a convent girl." She turned to me. "You've never felt a hand on your backside before, have you?"

"Only Sister Susan's, but I don't suppose that counts."

"That's a horse of a different feather, Denise. If you want to be a nun, a wilful girl like you needs to be guided by a strict disciplinarian."

"I don't know about that, she's seems to take a great delight giving me a good paddling."

"You should speak out if you think she's taking illicit pleasure in it."

"I don't want to get her in any trouble, as long as she keeps on rubbing in the baby oil, I'll grin and bear it."

"I never thought of that," Susie laughed. "We'll have to put it on our list."

"You're a pair of bloody giggling lessies, get in here - we're just what you need."

"Bugger off, we've no use for sleazeballs like you."

"Here cop this, you snooty bitch."

A stream of lager cascaded down Susie's top. I was relieved to see red change to green and the car roar away before she could react.

"Come on, Jeffrey - we'll catch them at the next set of traffic lights."

"What's the point, Susie?" I called out after her.

"The point is my bottle's half full of orange juice from the summer - it should make a nice sticky mess."

"I know I lack your psychological expertise, but they struck me as the kind of lads that may not be over fussy about hitting a girl."

"Stop quibbling: you know the importance I attach to standing up for oneself."

I drew up alongside. "Okay, but after you've had your revenge, keep going, jump the lights and turn left. We'll take the promenade cycle path."

"Good thinking, Jeffrey - best we don't have a feud with them all the way home. A car versus bikes isn't a fair contest."

"I'm going to get a chain full of sand and I've just cleaned it," I moaned. "The things I do for you."

"There they are." Susie handed me her bottle. "Here take the top off for me."

"Would you like me to do the deed as well?"

"No, I want to be sure of a direct hit - pass it back. This calls for the steady hand of someone who can remain cool in a crisis."

"That's fine. I just thought you might want to take advantage of my superior bike handling skills."

"What I will do," she snorted, "is take advantage of your superior bottom wiggling talents. Ride past first and get him to stick his head out of the window, so that I can dump it down the back of his neck."

"Okay," I sighed "but no hanging around - get the job done and then let's be out of there."

I slowly rode past our assailant's open window. "You're back for more, darling. That big sister of yours is a real sourpuss, I bet she lets you have no fun at all."

He leaned over and made a grab for my bum.

"Aaaawwwrr." There was a nasty crack as his head jerked back and hit the door.

I turned back to see Susie throw the empty bottle through the window before she veered into the side of the car and raked her pedal along the paintwork.

"Oh, watch out, Susie."

She bounced off, narrowly missing my back wheel. "That was an unexpected bonus," she gloated.

"Never mind that, come on follow me."

We whizzed down towards the sea. "Ease up," Susie gasped, "we're safe now - it's maintenance and emergency vehicles only from here on."

I looked back at the car hurtling after us. "Keep pedalling, I don't think we should put our trust in technicalities. The highway code isn't uppermost in car thieves minds."

"The class of person you attract, Jeffrey."

"You said it, Susie. It's the bane of my life." We swung onto the lower walk. "We're in luck, there are plenty of folk about, that should slow them down."

"The trouble you land us in," she panted. "You're lucky I put it down to a certain naivete on your part."

"Save your breath, we'll sort out the blame later." A horn blared out behind us. "They're scattering people left, right and centre - if they keep that up, someone will surely call the police."

"I'm being got at, Jeffrey." Susie looked down. "Oh God, there's a mini hearth rug snapping away at my back wheel."

"Come here, Rags. Don't worry, dear - he won't bite. He's fascinated by the hum of the spokes."

"Do something, Jeffrey - he's going to have me off."

I snatched out my pump and hurled it over my shoulder. "Go fetch it, Rags."

"There he goes, the little bugger," Susie cried. "You've done it again, saved me from another ravening beast."

Thwuuummmp. "Oh, Rags - my darling puppy."

"Was that what I think it was?"

"And more so, Jeffrey. Don't look back - the dog hit the radiator and flew over the bonnet."

"You don't mean."

"I'm afraid so - the Shih Tzu's well and truly hit the fan."

"That should mean a few points on his licence. You can't go around killing dogs with impunity."

"Keep going - they haven't even slowed down. I think the law may turn up too late to save us."

"Oh hell, would you believe it - the walk way's fenced off up ahead. What a time to be doing repairs."

"I thought the coastguard was supposed to be the fourth emergency service - where are they when you need them?"

"Follow me and don't look down to your left."

I jumped off and lifted my bike up onto the sea wall.

"Are you sure about this, Jeffrey?"

"There's no danger - it's over a metre wide - kids are always at it. Every time one falls off, they report it in the local paper."

We set off to the wail of a police siren sounding in the distance. There was a screeching of brakes and the slamming of doors behind us.

"This is hairy, Jeffrey."

"We're on firm foundations, Susie. It's not as if it's swaying or anything. In fact, it's a better ride than the cycle path - no sand to send you skidding sideways."

"Oh Jeffrey, I can hear the pounding of not so tiny feet behind me, we're still being pursued."

"It's okay, we'll soon be back on cycle path, get ready to pull up."

I came to a halt, lay the bike under me and scrambled down. Susie jumped into my arms. "They haven't given up the chase, Jeffrey and there's a couple of policemen behind them."

"They're the quarry now. Their little joyride has come to an untimely end."

We remounted and set off. A police van emerged from the exit ahead. "Assume an air of angelic innocent," Susie ordered, as we came up to it.

"It's my default mode."

We freewheeled down the ramp. "You don't think we're missing out on a reward. I mean we have been instrumental in the safe return of a stolen car."

"With a dirty big scratch along the side."

"That's better than it being burnt out - the owner might want to show his gratitude."

"I think our part in the affair is best forgotten. We shouldn't have got involved."

"I've no regrets, Jeffrey. They deserved to get their comeuppance - bit of a shame you had to dispatch another pedigree dog in the process though."

"Don't be too upset - this time it was only a pound shop pump."

"You know what they say about things happening in threes."

"I've told you before, I've no time for silly superstitions."

"I respect that, Jeffrey. Only don't go near any K-9s with a bicycle pump tomorrow."

"Never mind about me - it may be a good idea if you count up to ten before engaging us in any more rash reprisals."

"In future, you'll be turning the other cheek, will you?"

"No, I won't. I was sorely provoked, but we shouldn't have escalated matters. You don't realise what a strain it is having a double identity."

"Yes, perhaps it would have been better to have told them the truth about you from the start."

"Are you mad, Susie? I haven't your people skills, but I know pointing out that kind of an error to those sort of lads is unlikely to bring forth virtue."

"Calm down, Jeffrey - I was only joking. I would never betray Denise."

"I know, but that doesn't stop you landing me in trouble," I groaned. "What I can't understand is why boys think my bottom's fair game - your bum's just as attractive, but you don't have that kind of trouble."

"I command respect and I radiate an air of female virtue. Don't gawp, Jeffrey - you're privileged to see another side of me."

"Sorry, Susie - but there must be more to it than that."

"Well, I don't wear figure hugging cycling slacks."

"These are an old pair of old jogging pants. They may be a wee bit on the tight side," I conceded, "but that's for safety reasons only - I don't want them flapping around. I'm riding a bike not dancing the bloody hornpipe."

"Don't get so excited, Jeffrey. You should learn from the experience."

"I have: I'll be keeping my bum firmly in the saddle from now on. There'll be no more throwing it about from side to side for your benefit."

"I knew you were doing that deliberately. Don't blame me if you land yourself in trouble tomorrow."

"When I get your outfit on, I'll be exercising supreme self-control - so don't you go provoking me. Show some restraint."

"Yes, Jeffrey."

"And another thing, whatever you do, don't mention cycling along the top of the sea wall to my mum - she'll go spare. She hasn't got over the ladder escapade yet - I'm having to come downstairs with both hands on the banister."

 

Chapter 17

"You look like jail bait, Susie."

"I'm a Doctor Who assistant, Jeffrey."

"Yeah well," I huffed. "The thing is - I don't see why I have to take your place - I could just disappear and wait for you outside."

"What if I need your help?"

"It's only a small cup, you'll have no trouble with it."

"I mean in case of unforeseen eventualities. What if Slope tries to interfere - you'd want to be there to protect me, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, but not dressed like you are now - I can't go flaunting myself around someone like that."

"Well we're going to have to swap over in the toilets, so you'll have to come out dressed as a girl. This way, no one will ever suspect you're Jeffrey."

"It just seems over-elaborate - there must be a simpler way."

"Are you wearing your bustier under there?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you arguing?"

"I'm not - I'm just making a point."

"Which is?"

"I don't know exactly."

Susie put her hands on her hips. "You don't think Denise is this kind of a girl."

"Well, I'd rather mum didn't see me dressed that way - which judging by the way things have gone in the past seems a distinct possibility."

"I promise we'll swap back right after the prize giving."

"Yeah, well just remember that. It's one thing displaying a sweet feminine side to mum, but the wilder stuff I'd like to keep strictly between you and me."

"Agreed," Susie grinned. "Now is there anything else?"

"First chance we get, I'd like a picture of the two of us dressed as you are now."

"This is an easier way of chasing a tram, isn't it, Jeffrey?"

I shook my head at Susie. We were in the backseat of mum's car. I hoped she'd catch a glimpse of us having a snog. It wouldn't do any harm to show off a bit of boy behaviour.

"I don't like the sound of that," mum complained. "You should keep your distance - they're lumbering beasts."

"We were only pacing ourselves; we weren't playing tig with them."

"I worry about you on that bike. Coming in all sweaty, you must be racing around on it."

"I'll be looking out for him, Mrs Smith. Four wheels good, two wheels bad - that's what I keep telling Jeffrey."

"Well, I'm glad to be giving you a ride, especially in those outfits. Are you sure they'll let you in Westbourne Towers? Jeffrey appears to be a particularly scruffy trainspotter and you, Susie - I rather not say what you look like."

I mouthed a silent 'I told you so'.

"I'm supposed to be Doctor Who's glamorous girl companion - that's all."

"I think you may have overdone the glamour."

"Perhaps you're right, but it's easy to get carried away with the thrill of it all, isn't it, Jeffrey?"

"I'll be concentrating on the chess: that'll be the only kind of thrill occupying my mind."

"You keep an eye out for Susie as well, from what I've heard some of these fans can border on the obsessive."

"Yeah, once those daleks get an eyeful of her, Susie will have to be up and down stairs like a blue arsed fly."

"Jeffrey!"

"Sorry."

Mum dropped us at the entrance. "Take care, I'll pick you up at five."

"You'll need a removal van - the number of trophies Jeffrey's going to win."

We were greeted by a woman with a clipboard. "Are you two going in for the Doctor Who costume contest?"

I seized my chance. "No, I'm here for the chess and my little sister pestered me into bringing her along." I ruffled Susie's wig. "Denise here loves to play dress-up, but she tends to overdo it."

"You look very nice, dear - are you meant to be Peri?"

"I've gone for a general look; I'm not any one in particular."

"Yes, perhaps you are a little on the underdeveloped side for Peri."

"She's only fourteen - plenty of time for that yet."

"Of course there is - ones that big wouldn't suit her, anyway."

"Isn't that what I told you, Denise?"

"Well, at least I'm happy to show them off for my boyfriend," Susie pouted, "unlike some girls I know."

"Your sister's a sensible girl; I expect she's saving herself for one special boy - isn't that right, my dear?"

"I'm not into boys - the only words I have for them are 'check' and 'mate'. I'm married to my chess."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, dear."

"It's okay, I'm just a little tense. I'm worried what Denise will be getting up to while I'm away."

"She'll be fine, I'll keep an eye out for her."

"Did you hear that, Denise?" I patted her on the bottom. "Run along now and behave yourself."

"Okay Susie," she looked at me over her sunglasses. "You concentrate on winning your games, I promise to do nothing that will embarrass you." She gave me a wink. "I only hope Jeffrey doesn't get too turned on by this outfit - it's funny the sort of thing some boys like."

I met Susie outside the playing hall. "Another one bites the dust, Jeffrey."

"You can say that again - it's sweltering in there. The central heating's gone haywire and it doesn't help that I'm dressed like Nanook of the north."

"Flap it around and get the air circulating underneath - like the Arabs."

"It's like a sauna," I panted. "Do I have to keep the hood up?"

"Better safe than sorry. Anyhow your brain probably works better at a higher temperature."

"Some of us don't need to be at fever pitch to hatch a cunning plan. Here, you'd better have this." I passed across the tee shirt. "I had to take it off."

"I won't be hearing any complaints about drafts up the bottom when you get into this mini-skirt, then."

"Another couple of hours sweltering in this lot and I'll be begging to parade around half naked in that gear," I grimaced. "I only hope you haven't attracted any unwanted admirers."

"Daleks seem to think I'm fair game. You'll have to watch out, Jeffrey, it's quite a shock when someone thrusts a sink plunger up your skirt for the first time."

"You didn't react too violently, did you?"

"No, I entered into the spirit of things; we had a game of dalek bowls."

"There's no other causes for concern."

"Cybermen are a different can of worms - they have their hands free. Being Doctor Who's female companion is no job for a faintheart, let me tell you, Jeffrey."

"It's your own fault, Susie. I warned you about that outfit."

"It's normal clubbing gear."

"Well, I agree with my mum, going around dressed like that is asking for trouble."

"It's too late to back out now."

"I know, I know. It's just such a shame that a fairly pleasant weekend has to end in such a fashion."

"Don't knock it, until you've tried it, Jeffrey. Dodging daleks can be fun."

"I'm more worried about evading Slope - I've seen him hanging around. He's out to get us."

"You'll be safe at the board, as soon as you finish make straight for the toilets. Once you get into this clobber, you can shake your booty under Slope's nose and he'll be none the wiser."

"I'll have to take your word for that," I sighed. "Now give me a few wafts before I re-enter the furnace."

Susie waved her hands in front of my face. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No thanks: I don't want to have to take a toilet break. I'm up against a twelve year old wunderkind in the last round; I can't afford any distractions."

"You can beat him, Jeffrey. Remember the honour of the school is at stake - and my five hundred pounds."

"I'd better be on my way. Who would have thought one of the dangers of playing chess was heat exhaustion."

An hour later, we had a tense position. I was feeling very uncomfortable. I could sense my opponent staring intently at me while I was thinking. I moved and he focused his eyes back on the board. Sugar it, I threw back the hood and undid a few buttons. I fanned some air onto my chest, took off the bloody glasses and shook my hair out.

"Golly jeepers!"

I looked up and calculated now was the time for a few more off the board moves. I showed no mercy. I licked my lips and caressed Pinky and Perky.

"Oh, you're so beautiful, Miss Jones."

I had caught him in mid move and the queen dropped from his hand one square short of where he intended. I whipped it off immediately.

He blinked and held out his hand in resignation. "Will you sign my score sheet - 'With love to Tristan'?"

"You're a very gracious loser." I leaned forward and let my coat fall back - he deserved a consolation prize.

Susie waved me over to her cubicle. This time I checked for a nosy attendant before crossing the floor.

She pulled me in and locked the door. "Well done, Jeffrey, I knew you could do it." She kissed me full on the lips. "Your early finish gives us plenty of time."

"I don't know about that; Slope's following me. The sooner I'm out of these clothes, the better." I started to undress.

"I thought you said the wunderkind would be your hardest opponent."

"He undoubtedly was, but I think he may have a thing about older women who wear glasses."

"Does that mean you used your feminine charms to take advantage of the poor innocent boy?"

"It wasn't my fault - I was hardly dressed to kill."

We stood there in our matching bustiers. "You must have hinted at what lay underneath."

My boobs jiggled as I wriggled into Susie's mini-skirt. "If I did, it was an accident," I protested. I pulled up the zip and did a bit of bottom smoothing. "I'll have to watch myself, Susie - I'm already having tight skirt fantasies."

She grinned and stepped into my pants. " Just like now, you knew exactly what you were doing."

"What if I did? He should be grateful that I taught him an important lesson - chess and sex don't mix. Anyway, he's your problem now - he'll probably follow you around like a lost puppy."

Susie pulled on the tee shirt. "It was lucky you had the foresight to remove this."

"The thought never entered my head," I smiled and stepped into her open-toed stilettos. "Do up the ankle straps for me, would you? I don't trust myself to bend over."

"It's my pleasure, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie."

She did a bit of toe tickling before she got around to fixing our make-up. Hers came off and mine went on. "It'll be fun when you do this yourself."

I blew her a kiss and fluttered my eyelashes. "I'm sorry," I laughed. "I can't help myself."

"Here, Denise." The hoop earrings and pink wig completed our swap.

She held up a mirror. "I must be mad agreeing to walk around looking like this - I'm bound to get into bother."

Susie cleared her throat. "I have a confession to make, Jeffrey. You already have a problem as Denise, but not as big a one as you'd have as Susie."

"You haven't got me a date with a dalek or a cyberman have you?"

"Not as such, Jeffrey. I've been working on your behalf - there's good news and bad news."

"Let's hear the good first," I frowned.

"You're right: Slope is out for revenge and he has his mates lurking in the background. He has plans for you."

I slumped on the seat. "This is good news," I groaned. "What exactly are they going to do?"

"Drag you into the men's bog and superglue your willie to a toilet seat."

I blanched. "I don't like the sound of that, it would be painful in the extreme - and highly embarrassing."

"The more so, if in the struggle the glue got onto Slope's hand."

"Shut up, it doesn't bear thinking about. I don't know why he pursues this vendetta. I put up with a lot from him when we were kids, you'd think he'd have a conscience about it." I sighed. "Take note, Susie - he that does you an ill turn, will never forgive you."

"You have busted his nose twice, Jeffrey."

"I'm blameless. The first time was a childhood accident and the second I was defending your honour. Look at me, Susie - why would anyone have it in for such an inoffensive little chap?"

"Some people are happy shooting Bambi."

"You don't think it's anything to do with me personally, then."

"I wouldn't go as far as that, Jeffrey. You know what they say - you always hurt the one you love."

"Hey, hold on a minute, Susie - you don't mean ..."

"Well, as a keen student of human nature in all its bizarre manifestations, I wouldn't be too surprised if Slope really was stuck on you."

"Oh, you've done it again."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Sent my boy bits into hibernation. The prospect of Slope getting his hands anywhere near has sent them running for cover."

"Then you should appreciate my taking your place." Susie threw out her arms. "It's a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before."

"Don't be so dramatic - you're in no danger. Once he sees it's really you, he's buggered."

"It's the thought that counts and you should appreciate my other efforts on your behalf."

"I suppose I should be grateful you kept your ears open. It was lucky you overheard them."

"That's your bad news, I haven't been eavesdropping; I got it straight from the horse's mouth."

"How on earth did you manage that?"

"I'm afraid that Denise has been leading Slope up the garden path. Once out of that door, you may have your hands full."

"You don't mean."

"Yes, Jeffrey - in more ways than one."

"God, Susie - exactly what have you been up to?"

"I was only looking out for you," she huffed. "It was just flirty girl stuff, but I may have raised his expectations. You know the kind of thing."

"No, I don't," I protested.

"Yes, you do - you little coquette."

"Maybe, but as those things go, it's rather neat."

"Don't deliberately misunderstand," Susie snorted. "The way you come on to me at times - it's a good job one of us knows how to exercise some restraint. Admit it, Jeffrey - Denise is a prickteaser."

I goggled. "That's one thing she can't be - unless Susie has a secret."

"You know what I mean," she scowled. "It's the same difference."

"You needn't fret, I love you for your mind, anyway."

Susie laughed. "Enough, Jeffrey, we have to be serious. There may be some tricky moments ahead." She handed me her sunglasses. "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be. I'm worried about Slope - even in this disguise, he could have recognised your voice."

"Och aye the noo. It's a braw, bricht, moonlit nicht, the nicht, mon."

"Oh, you didn't."

"Yes I did," she smirked. "Auld Rabbie Burns himself would have been fooled."

"Why couldn't you have stuck to talking broad - I can manage that."

"Broad?"

"Yes, broad - lanky dialect, chuck."

"I thought it best if I came from as far away as possible," she huffed. "Denise is a fine Glaswegian name and this town's a favourite of fleeing Scots."

"So, I'm a Scottish, teenage, runaway punkette."

"And randy with it."

"Is there anything else I should know?"

"No, I didn't tell him my life story; you can let your imagination run wild."

She shoved me towards the door. "You get out there first; we don't want him seeing us together. It would be better if you offered to take him somewhere quiet, so I can make a clean getaway."

I looked at Susie in dismay. "Why did you have to make things so difficult for me? All I know of Scots talk comes from 'Oor Wullie' and 'The Broons' - this will never work."

"Yes, it will. As well as the prospect of at least a hand-job clouding his judgement, he's also slightly the worse for wear. To be truthful, he's more than a little pissed."

"Oh, Susie!"

"He has a half bottle of whisky in his pocket, whatever you do, don't let him get you tipsy."

"What have you got me in to? I know nothing about how to deal with a horny, drunk teenage boy."

"Give Denise her head, Jeffrey." She put her hand on my bottom and shoved me out of the door. "Lead on, MacDuff."

 

Chapter 18

"Hoots, mon - my bonnie wee laddie." I waved enthusiastically in Slope's direction.

He sprang forward to greet me. "You're all fixed up, then."

"Fixed up?"

"You know," he leered, "ready for later."

"Raring to go." I lied without a hint of a blush. "Come on, we don't want to hang around here - people may get the wrong idea about me."

"All in good time - first, I have a little unfinished business here. Did you notice a girl in there, wearing big glasses and dressed like a dork?"

"Ay, the wee lassie's kicking up a right royal fuss - she's convinced there's a stalker following her. She's insisting they call security." I looked around. "I wonder which one is the dirty old man."

Slope nervously checked the hall entrance. "You didn't think she was an odd sort of a girl."

"Well, she got quite hysterical and we had to undo her anorak. Guess what," I giggled. "She wasn't wearing anything underneath - not even a bra."

"I knew it." Slope's eyes lit up. "That's because she's a boy - he has no tits."

"What are you talking about? They make mine look like baby breasts." I jiggled them under his nose and had to slap him away.

"You must be mistaken."

"I know the difference between a laddie and a lassie. Boys don't have boobs. I wish I had a little more upstairs," I whined. "I need some help to show even this much."

"Don't worry about it, they suit me fine - I don't like top-heavy girls."

"That's usually the number one attraction. Hey, you don't prefer butch girls, do you?"

"No fear."

"How about girly boys?"

"I know one of those," he sniggered. "He'd make a bloody good Barbie. I often imagine the little freak all dolled up."

"You'd like to see that, would you?"

"Not half - that'd give his snooty lady friend something to think about."

"How's he managed to attract a bonnie wee lassie?"

"I can't figure it out - she's a real babe. Why on earth she wants to go around with someone who looks like her sister is beyond me."

"There's nowt as queer as fowk," I smiled.

"They're just as bad as each other. Someday I'll settle with both of them."

"I can see that they've been giving you a hard time."

"I hope you're going to do the same," Slope leered.

I half turned with a suggestive wiggle. It was impossible not to, in the skirt and heels. "Why are we still hanging around here, then?"

"I'd planned to give him a sticky time. I can't believe he's not in there. You must be mistaken - he won't dare have security turn up."

"Weel, ye'll soon find out that I'm right." I pointed over his shoulder. "Here they come, I recognise them from earlier, when the boggarts were hassling me."

Slope grabbed my hand and pulled me away in the opposite direction. "Let's go: there's always a danger of misunderstandings. It's best not to be a witness to this sort of thing."

"Awa wi ye - there might be some fun."

"No, come on - an incident like this might upset a sweet young thing like you."

I slowly trailed after Slope. "Hurry up, girl - you're not getting nervous about our little arrangement, are you?"

"Nae, it disnae fricht me - I know how to handle a man."

"Was he your boyfriend?"

"Was who my boyfriend?"

"Nate Disney."

"Nate Disney? Let me think."

"Just how many boyfriends have you had?"

"Not that many, but you can't expect me to remember all their names. Has he got ginger hair?"

"How would I know?"

"Well, if you can't give me a clue."

"You shouldn't need a bloody clue - you just said Nate Disney frigged you," Slope spluttered. "How could you forget him?"

"Oh, that Nate Disney," I smirked, "as in Bing sings, but Walt disnae."

Slope look puzzled. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? Sometimes, you come out with a load of complete gibberish."

"Don't be so thick. Disnae - does not: it's Scots, not bloody Swahili."

"It's hard work following you," Slope bridled. "Your accent seems to come and go."

"That's because I'm working on it for the benefit of you Sassenachs," I cooed. "How's this: the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

He laughed and walked me to a couch under a window. "Let's make ourselves comfortable."

"This is a gret muckle place, is it not?"

He rolled his eyes. "If you say so."

I caught the eye of a passing cyberman. "Are you looking at me, Jimmy? Because if you are, you'd better be willing to ficht this laddie here."

"Shush," Slope whispered, "you'll get us thrown out."

"Don't shush me - I'm fed up being goosed by cybermen."

"I only want a picture with you," he protested. "And I'm not a cyberman, I'm an ice warrior."

"Well, melt away before I set ma mon on ye." I shoved Slope forward. "Give him a Glasgow kiss, Russell."

The ice warrior legged it and Slope with a grin of triumph sat me down and moved in closer. "Have you still got a boyfriend, back home?"

"Not any more," I snorted. "My last one was a bitter disappointment."

"You'll have no worries with me on that score," he gloated. "Go on, you can tell me," he sniggered, "Are you first attracted by the size of a boy's dick?"

"Certainly not." My skirt rode up as I leaned forward. "What sort of a girl do you think I am?" I pouted. "It's the size of his giro."

"I'm not short in the cash stakes, either - I can show a girl a good time if she's willing to play her part."

I decided on some delaying tactics. "Give me some room, I want to get something out of my bag."

I plonked it squarely in my lap and began rummaging. If stories about girl's bags were true, I was in for an interesting half hour.

He became impatient. "What are you looking for?"

"This," I pulled out the bottle of nail varnish, "it's silly, but it really turns me on." I uncapped the bottle and started painting.

Slope watched with interest. "I think pink is a really sexy colour."

He slid his hand on my knee, but he wasn't going there or anywhere near. "Oops, watch out," I flicked the fully laden brush at his face.

"Ow, that stings - it's gone right in my eye."

"It's your own fault - you made me jump."

He dabbed at his eye with a hanky. "You did that on purpose."

"Don't be mad: a lassie has to be careful with strangers."

"You can trust me, Denise - I'm a gentleman."

"Maybe," I smiled. "A boy who sports a monogrammed handkerchief must be a real gowk."

"I certainly am," he smirked.

"R is for Russell. What about the S? Tell me your second name - it gives a girl more confidence in a boy."

"Smith, would you believe," he laughed, "there are a lot of us about."

"I was convinced you were a crow."

"What do you mean a crow?" He croaked. "I know my nose is a little the worse for wear."

"Russell Crowe, silly," I cooed. "You remind me of him."

"You're only saying that - I don't have film star looks."

I stroked his arm. "In my eyes, you're a proper scunner."

"A stunner, eh - I wouldn't go that far, but it's nice of you to say so. I'm not one to boast, but there's another department I can match him in," he winked. "If you're a naughty girl, I'll give you a mouthful later."

"I hope that doesn't mean you're another one with a foul temper. I'm fed up with that sort. I've heard a lot about these new men who show their feminine side. I'm rather attracted to the concept."

"I wouldn't go that far, but you've no need to worry - I know how to treat a lady." He took advantage of my careful application of the nail varnish and slipped his hand on my knee again. "What's your name - don't tell me it's Jones," he laughed.

I glanced at the opposite wall: fifteen minutes to the prize giving. "Denise MacClockerty - one of the Glasgow MacClockertys. Butchers to the gentry: we're famous for our lovely pork sausages." I took his hand off my knee and pulled on his little finger. "This little piggy went to market ..."

"Stop it, let's be grown-up." He put his hand into his pocket. "How about we have a little drink together, it will get us in the mood."

"I canna; I hae to think of the bairn." I rubbed my belly. "I've been a silly wee lassie."

"You mean ..."

"Yes, I've been led astray," I snuffled. "He told me that I was a richt hottie and we were safe doing it standing up. But puir naive Denise has been left with a bun in the oven."

"Wait a minute, you told me you'd drunk eight cans of lager and had a hangover."

"No, I didn't."

"You did so - when I asked you to take off your glasses."

"Ah yes, that was my cover story. I didn't know whether I could trust you or not."

"What do you mean, trust me? I'm not any old hobbledehoy - I'm a Slope."

"If you must know, I'm in disguise," I sobbed. "I hae to be cannie - someone's probably followed me down here."

He was confused. "Don't upset yourself, tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry," I wept, "now that I've got you to look after me, things will be different. I know you won't run out on me like the father of my puir wee babee."

He pulled back. "Wait a minute - I don't want to be the one to break up a family. I can't believe he'd desert a girl like you. He'll be back when he gets over the shock."

"Why would I want that? A girl has her needs too, ye ken," I confided. "He's nae guid to me after the incident with the bacon slicer - he's only half the man he was."

Slope shifted uncomfortably. "That sounds nasty, but he'll probably soon be as good as new - they can stitch anything back on nowadays."

"Not after it's been through a mincer."

He laughed nervously. "I suppose that's what you call a freak accident."

"Oh, it was no accident - you can't deflower a fourteen year old dochter of the clan MacClockerty fourteen times and expect to get away scot free."

He looked anxiously at his watch. "I'm a bit pushed for time; I've an important appointment at four."

"But I did my nails specially for you." I waved them under his nose and winked. "They're dry now and I'm ready for some action."

Slope stood up. "Dinna go: the thought of you squaring up to ma faither has really made me hot. I haena seen a guid ficht since I came down here."

He turned away. "I really have to go now."

"Weel ye no come back agin, ma bonnie wee prince?" I tugged him back by his sleeve.

"Geroff me, you Scottish slag - I'm too good for the likes of you." He tore himself away and set off at a run.

"Awa ye big jessie," I shouted after him. "Ma mither was right - all men are bastards."

I watched as he separated his mates from a pair of Leelas they were chatting up. They didn't appear best pleased. Arm waving and an argument followed, before his friends gave him a shove and took off after their girlfriends. Boys - there's only one thing on their minds. Slope flopped down onto a couch and took a long swig from his bottle. I hope I'm not responsible for driving a man to drink. I turned on my heel and strutted away.

"Winner of the Open Minor trophy and a cheque for five hundred pounds plus fifty pounds and trophy for best game plus an extra fifty pounds and trophy for the best unrated player plus a further fifty pounds and trophy for best lady player - Miss Susan Jones."

Susie stepped forward to a round of applause and graciously accepted her winnings. Watching from the back, I had a moment of anxiety after my young admirer received his runner-up and best junior prizes.

"Come on, throw back that hood and let's have a picture of you two."

Luckily, the wunderkind hadn't spent too much time studying my face, but Susie further short-circuited his analytic faculties with a kiss full on the lips. After that his dad couldn't march him away fast enough.

"The crafty little madam," I heard him hiss in his son's ear as he shoved past me, "she's out to nobble you for any future meetings. I hope you've learned what a danger girls can be to your career."

The boy glanced back over his shoulder. "But she loves me - she showed me her breasts." His dad grunted and dragged him through door.

I made my way to Susie who was stuffing the cups into her pockets. "Here, take these." She passed two over.

"I feel a bit unhappy about this best lady player award."

"So do I, it's blatant sexism - I had a good mind to refuse it."

"Perhaps you should hand it back - explain it's against your feminist principles."

"I'm prepared to make an exception in this case. It'll probably cause them no end of administrative difficulties with the cheque being made out to me and everything."

"I just feel I've taken unfair advantage. I have had access to an advanced male mathematical brain."

"Don't get uppity, Jeffrey. It was my superior female intellect behind the whole scheme."

"That's not the point," I griped.

"Oh, don't worry about it - your lack of testosterone evened things up."

"Well, that doesn't seem to cause me any problems. In fact, I wish Denise wasn't such a spirited little so-and-so. I think you may be having an undue influence on her, Susie."

"I do hope so, Jeffrey." She patted my bum. "But she didn't get her ideas about tight skirts from me."

"Give over, I've still enough sense to want to get out of this gear as soon as possible," I snorted. "Come on, what are we hanging around for?"

"Old Bossom, he said he'd look in to record my success - and here he comes now. Put the cups out on this chessboard, while I strike a modest but triumphant pose."

He threw up his arms in pleasure. "What a haul, Miss Jones - you've done the old school proud. Let me get some pictures."

Susie worked her way through the cups and I edged away. "Don't go, Denise - I'll need help with this lot." She turned to Bossom. "Denise is a Scottish cousin; she's come down for the Doctor Who gathering - she's a real enthusiast as you can see."

"That's a very striking costume, my dear. I was a big fan of the original, but I can't quite place you."

"This is Susie's creation - she likes to dress me up. Sometimes, she gets carried away - I only hope mum never sees me like this."

"Don't you believe it, I can't keep her out of my wardrobe."

Bossom coughed. "I was expecting to find Smith here. I thought he would be giving you his full support."

"Oh, Jeffrey has played his part to the full, but discreetly - we didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea."

"There's no danger of any repercussions."

"None at all, a Susan Jones entered and she won on merit - no funny business."

"I'm glad to hear it. What's in a name, after all?" He mused. "Are you girls all right about getting home?"

"Yes, we're being picked up in about an hour. You could take the cups though, Denise is a bit short on pockets."

"Happy to, my dear. I can show them off on Monday morning at school." He scooped up the trophies. "Take good care of your cousin, Miss Jones. I think she's really smitten with you."

Susie put her arm around me. "Don't worry, Denise is in good hands."

"What a mess, Susie. You've really done it now," I groaned. "How am I going to face Bossom at school?"

"He'll say nothing. Who do you think has been looking out for you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Letting you skip P.E. for one thing."

"Oh hell, Susie - who doesn't know about me? I'll be the talk of the staffroom."

"You can put your trust in him - he didn't even take your picture."

"I should bloody hope not. I don't want to be anyone else's pin-up girl, thank you very much."

"Stop moaning, you'll soon be back in your favourite anorak."

"Well, we'd better make certain we don't bump into Slope. If he finds out, that would be a different kettle of fish altogether."

"Oh, we can handle him."

"Little good that will do me if he realises Denise MacClockerty and Jeffrey Smith are one and the same. I was all too convincing as a potential gymslip mum - I don't know where I get it from."

"It's your highly developed instinct for self-preservation."

"Partly, but I have to admit that I enjoyed myself as Miss MacClockerty - I find her more than a little sexy."

"So do I," Susie grinned.

"As a matter of fact, I had a hard time keeping thoughts of myself as your wee Scots lassie out of my head."

"There's something about the accent, isn't there, Jeffrey - would you like me to get you a tartan mini-skirt?"

"I don't suppose it would do any harm to indulge my little fantasy. My granddad has a Jimmy Shand and his band CD; I wouldn't mind doing the Highland fling with you."

"I'll look forward to that, Jeffrey."

"I only hope I'm not being bedazzled by all this - there seems no end to it."

"Don't worry - I'll be your anchor to reality."

"That's reassuring, Susie - Heaven knows what would happen if you cast me adrift."

We reached the end of the corridor. "Dalek ahead - stop wiggling and get on the outside of me."

"Give us a hand will you - I'm stuck. I've released the catch, but I can't get the damn front to open. Hurry up, please, I'm bursting to go to the bog."

"What do you want us to do?"

"Grab my plunger and give it a bloody big yank, while I push from inside."

We got our hands on the rubber. "Ready, on the count of three," Susie announced. "One ... two ... three."

"Oof." I was squashed up against the wall by Susie.

"Thanks girls, you'll have to excuse me." A gangly youth sprang out and bounded over to the toilets.

"No damage done, I hope, Jeffrey."

"None at all, we MacClockerties are a hardy breed."

"It's all that porridge, eh Denise."

"You should be grateful I'm a girl of simple tastes; you've unearthed a real little treasure in me."

Susie was showing her appreciation when Slope lurched round the corner. "Come on, we'd best not give him any ideas."

"Not in there - I've had enough of being trapped in toilets. Let's hide behind the biggest aspidistra in the world."

"I don't think this is an aspidistra, it's one of them triffids, isn't it?"

"Never mind that - look." Slope flopped down into the dalek.

"He's completely pissed."

"Well, that's fine by me. Let's be off and change - I want to be an androgynous geek for mum."

"Wait, did you hear that - he's snoring - come on, this is too good an opportunity to miss."

I followed Susie across. "Get his other leg in and then stand back." She slammed the casing shut and grabbed the gun. "Take the plunger and let's play hide the Slope."

We entered the Dr Who room and made our way over to some other abandoned daleks.

"What if they take him home to the Doctor Who exhibition, Susie? That's where some of these come from - look there."

"That'll be just too bad, Jeffrey. She peeled off a sticker and transferred it to Slope's dalek. Come on, you've moaned enough about that outfit, let's go and get changed so you won't shock your mum."

"Denise, Denise - over here. I'm ready for you now."

Our way back to the toilets was blocked by a waving woman. "What's going on? I've never seen her before."

"This is all your fault for messing about with Slope, otherwise you would have been safely swapped back by now."

Susie continued across the room. "Not so fast - who does she think I am - am I Scottish?"

"No, Jeffrey - you're a blushing English rose. Or you will be, by the time she's had her way with you."

"I don't like the sound of this - let's get out of here."

"We can't - I've already taken the money."

"Well, you can do whatever it is you've been paid for, but hurry up."

"That's going to be awkward now, you'll have to take my place."

"I somehow don't fancy that: I haven't a clue what's going on."

"All you have to do is sit back, close your eyes and think of England."

"No way." I grabbed hold of a pillar.

"I said 'sit back', not 'lie back'. It's only a makeover."

"Well, you do it - I'm pretty much fully made over already." I clung on tighter. "A harmless private hobby is one thing, but this is turning into a dangerous public obsession."

"Nonsense, Jeffrey." Susie unwound my arm and dragged me away. "After your transformation, you'll be everyone's darling. It couldn't have worked out better - you're more suited to be a model bride than me anyway."

 

Susie was showing her appreciation when Slope lurched round the corner.