Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

CAUTION - Referenced Attempted Suicide

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The following day Dr. Benson talked with Joss for another two hours after his IV and catheter were removed. Sure that he understood his patient, he needed to see how he handled other people. On the afternoon of the fourth day of his observation, the first guest he allowed to see Joss was his father.

Following the psychiatrist into the room, Fred saw Joss and nearly cried. "Princess!"

"Don't call me that!" his son snapped, making the man stop in his tracks, dumbfounded. "You can call me Joss, Fred. That's all."

Furrowing his brow, he looked at Dr. Benson who said nothing and just scribbled some notes. "Um... but I've called you pr..."

"Not anymore." Joss interrupted him. "I'm nobody's princess! I'm not your sweetie, sweetheart, or pumpkin. I'm your son, Fred... and barely that."

Moving closer, the man tentatively sat in the chair beside the bed. "Alright... Joss. When did this happen?"

Joss stared at the oblivious man with disdain. "Since always, Fred! I've always been your son! You just refused to hear me when I told you!"

Swallowing hard, Fred shifted uneasily. "We know that you initially had difficulty accepting who you are, Joss..."

"You still aren't listening!" he said in a raised voice. Looking over at Dr. Benson, he forced himself to calm back down. "Fred, you aren't listening. I never had difficulty knowing myself. You and Melanie tried to tell me who I am." Turning again to his psychiatrist, he grimaced determinedly. "Nobody gets to decide who I am, except me."

Facing his father once more, he continued. "You thought I was gay for seven years and tried to make me be gay by trying to convince me it was true. The only reason I was able to fight you was because of Tracy and Dave. They kept me sane. They both knew I wasn't gay."

"Look, Jocel... Joss." Fred tried to defend himself. "Your mother and I know we made some mistakes, but we realized what was wrong and tried to..."

"No, Fred!" he interrupted again. "You made the same mistake all over again! You tried to tell me who I was! You can't do that! Nobody can!" Calming himself again, he resumed. "You can't tell someone they're gay or trans and make it be real, Fred. I never wanted to be a girl. You did that to me without my consent and against my will."

"But you admitted you were trans!" he shot back. "The first day of Middle School when I had to pick you up!"

"No, Fred!" he corrected his father again. "You chose to interpret what I said to mean that, and I couldn't change your mind. All I wanted at that moment was to get home to call the girl I liked back then to make sure she didn't think I was trans. Turned out I was too late, but I was only twelve! At the time, I'd have told you the sky was purple if it meant I could have had a chance with Brenda!"

Fred considered the idea for a moment before pressing forward. "But what about all the rest? Calling me Daddy, your clothes, the way you laughed and talked, your best friend Tracy... you were a girl!"

"No, Fred." Joss denied once more. "I wasn't. I liked doing some girly things and I looked more like a girl than a boy, but that didn't make me a girl. At worst it made me an effeminate boy... but I was, and still am, a boy! Just because a woman looks severe and manish doesn't make her any less of a woman, does it? So why did me looking like a girl make me one?"

"Forget your looks!" Fred batted the question aside. "You act like a girl!"

"That doesn't make me one, Fred." he pointed out. "A tomboy may like doing boy things and acting boyish, but that doesn't make her a boy!"

"Well that's just..." Fred stopped and thought about what Joss was saying. Guilt threatening to overwhelm him, his mind refused to accept the truth, that he'd forced his son to be a girl against his will. In complete denial, he shook his head. "No! No, you're a girl and that's that, Jocelyn!"

"Joss." he retorted calmly.

"I'll call you what I like!" he shouted. "I'm your father! Joss is only short for Jocelyn, anyway!"

"Mister Ryan?" Dr. Benson chided him. "I'm going to have to ask you to calm yourself or I'll have you removed."

"Try it!" he snapped at the psychiatrist. "I'll just have Jocelyn moved to another facility where..."

"I'm afraid not, Mister Ryan." the doctor interrupted. "Joss is being held here under psychiatric observation per state law. He is under my custody until such time as I deem him not a threat to himself or others. He will not be moved."

"She!" Fred barked. "Her name is Jocelyn!"

"My name is Joss." he stated stubbornly. "And I'm a boy. A male. A he."

"You keep out of this, Jocelyn!" he shouted. "You don't know yourself! These quacks have warped your mind! They've twisted everything around to make you believe..."

His tirade was interrupted by a heavy hand on his shoulder. Turning around, he saw a black man the size of Mount Rushmore standing behind him wearing the uniform of a police officer.

"Mister Ryan?" he said in tones low enough to shake the floor. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir. Now."

Cowed by his size, Fred swallowed hard and stammered his reply. "But... I'm her father!" he pointed at Joss.

"You may be his father Mr. Ryan," Officer Jesse Webber retorted, having heard Joss's denial of his femininity, "but you're disturbing the peace and if you don't leave, I'll have to place you under arrest. If you resist, I'll tase you. Please don't make me do that. It always makes a mess!"

Joss giggled at the imagery of the giant man tasering his father.

"There!" Fred pointed at Joss as he looked at Dr. Benson. "You hear that? That's a girl's laugh! She talks like a girl, she acts like a girl..."

"And yet," Dr. Benson stated plainly, "he's a boy. Figure that?"

"You just want to reverse her transition!" Fred shouted. "You think he's a boy because it says so on his birth certificate! The state won't let us change it!"

Answering calmly, Dr. Benson shook his head remorsefully. "If Joss told me he was a girl Mr. Ryan, and I listened to him and believed him, I'd say he was a girl, regardless of what it says in his birth certificate. He instead continues to insist he's a boy, and always has been, and I believe him... so that's what he is. And I'm sorry Mr. Ryan, but you were warned. Officer Webber?"

Fred felt his arms twisted behind his back and the handcuffs ratcheted around his wrists. "No..." he whimpered looking at Joss.

Watching his father being placed under arrest and handcuffed, Joss folded his arms across his ample chest with a look of sympathy on his face.

"I'm placing you under arrest for aggravated disorderly conduct, Mr. Ryan." Officer Webber went through his Miranda rights. "You have the right to remain silent. If you choose to shoot off your stupid mouth, anything you say will be used against you in court." Dragging the man bodily from the room, he continued to read him his rights. "You have a right to have an attorney tell you to shut the hell up, too."

Dr. Benson sighed and shook his head as he sat in the chair by Joss's bed. "I'm sorry about that, Joss." he apologized. "I see now what you've been putting up with all your life. I talked with him before he came in and he seemed perfectly reasonable, at least the more reasonable of your parents. Your mother was openly hostile. I won't make you endure that again if I don't have to, alright?"

Nodding, Joss looked at his hands in his lap. "I... I didn't want anything bad to happen to them, Doctor Benson. I just wanted it to stop."

"I'm sorry it took you nearly dying... twice... to get someone to listen." the man consoled him. "Are you up for more pleasant company?"

Curious, Joss looked at him. "Who?"

Dr. Benson stood up and started towards the door. "Let me bring her in." At that, he left as suddenly as he came.

Nervously, Joss sat on the bed and waited. Hearing footsteps coming, out of habit he wished that he had a mirror to check his appearance.

Stepping through the doorway, Judy saw him and let out a sigh at seeing him alive. "Joss!" she cried. Rushing over to him, she took him in her arms and cried. "I was so scared for you, honey! Don't you ever do that again!"

Relaxing into her warm embrace, he sighed contentedly. "I won't, Judy! I promise!" Holding each other a moment, Judy at last released him and took a step back. "Judy?" he began, "I... I saw Grace. She helped me."

Listening in utter disbelief, she heard him recount his time in Limbo with her daughter. When he told her about Dr. Hicks, she embraced him once more. "My God, Joss! I can hardly believe it!" Crying with him, the two separated after several minutes and Judy handed him a tissue, also taking one herself as they dried their eyes.

Talking for quite a while, the two relaxed into their comfortable familiarity, laughing and talking seriously about different things. Eventually, Dr. Benson had to interrupt them.

"Mrs. Wright?" he said sadly. "I'm afraid it's time."

Not wanting to leave, she turned to the doctor. "Already? Do I have to go?"

Emanuel gazed at her at her intently. "Mrs. Wright, you seem to care for Joss very deeply."

Turning back to the boy, she looked at him both happily and sadly. "He... he was going to be my... my son-in-law, Doctor. Grace adored him, and I learned why. He's wonderful!"

"He is remarkable." he noted before he took her aside. "Mrs. Wright..."

"Please!" she interrupted him. "Call me Judy!"

Pausing a moment, he nodded. "Alright... Judy. I was wondering how much you cared for him."

Not sure how to answer, she turned to Joss. "Well... I care for him as much as I did for my Grace. She... sorry... bad habit... he was going to be family. To me, that means something. In my heart, he's been family since he and Grace fell in love. I guess he always will be, even now that she's gone."

Surprised at her own words, she looked away at nothing. "I... I didn't even realize it until just now. When... when Grace died, I never wanted to see him again. Then, all of a sudden, I couldn't let him be alone." She looked back at Dr. Benson. "What does that mean?"

He smiled at her compassionately. "It means that you love and miss your daughter, but you love Joss as your son no less." Pausing, he glanced at the girlish boy before turning back to her. "Judy, I'd like to talk to you privately before you go." Nodding to Joss he asked, "Would you excuse us, Joss?"

Giving their good-byes, Joss watched her leave with the doctor. When the psychiatrist came back in, the man looked at him sympathetically.

"Ready for more?" he asked happily. When Joss responded with a smile, he leaned out the door and waved someone forward.

Tracy and David came in with their parents Joyce and Hank, Tracy running up to Joss and throwing her arms around him, both beginning to cry.

"Oh, Joss!" she sobbed. "I didn't know it was so terrible! I'm so sorry!"

While the three others walked up, Hank seemed embarrassed as he looked around at everything other than Joss. "Um... Joss? The doctor said that's what you want to be called, right?" Pausing a moment as Joyce joined Tracy next to the boy he'd thought of as a girl for the last five years, he forced himself to turn to the apparent grown woman lying in the hospital bed. "We... we read the email you sent to Tracy. I can't believe your parents could be so cruel, so... tyrannical. I'm sorry that we couldn't help protect you."

At first Joyce tried to hold Joss to comfort him, but Tracy's tearful embrace made it impossible. Instead she just petted his head and held his free hand, his other arm wrapped around Tracy as they sobbed together. "It's alright, Joss." she soothed. "It's OK, dear. We're here for you."

After a few minutes letting their emotions run their course, Tracy stepped back and rejoined David and her father as her mother slipped an arm around his shoulders. "Joss?" the girl had to know. "Is... is it true that you never wanted to be a girl? Not even a little?"

Shaking his head slowly and sadly, Joss repeated his truth. "No, Trace. Not even a little. It was all them. They didn't give me any choice."

"So, does that mean you're gonna want to start, like, going to football games and watching sports on TV?" she asked with a mildly disgusted look on her face. "I mean, if that's what you want to do, it's fine, but..."

"Trace!" he giggled, "I do the stuff I do because I enjoy it. Yeah, I like shopping, chatting for hours, and other girly stuff, but that never made me a girl! Is a tomboy really a boy just because she likes to do boy things?"

"Well no, but..." Tracy stopped even as she started. Thinking for a moment, she looked at Joss in a completely different way. "So, you're just a normal guy that looks like a girl and likes to do girl stuff? Um... a Tomgirl? Is that a thing?"

Getting a few chuckles from everyone, including Joss, Dr. Benson thought he should help at this point. "Yes Tracy, Joss is a boy, even though he looks like a girl and likes to do typically feminine things. He is because that's what he feels like, even though he's been made to go through female puberty. That fact means that Joss is transgendered now... a boy trapped in a mostly female body. Do you understand?"

"I think so." she sighed. "Joss... I'm really sorry! I feel like it's all my fault! You told me all this years ago, but I just thought..." Her voice trailed off as guilt choked her words.

"...you thought my parents were right, that I was hiding from being trans." Joss finished for her. "I know. It's OK. You were just a kid!"

Finally, the last one in the room who hadn't spoken yet stepped up to Joss's bedside. "Um... Joss?" David said in his baritone voice. "I... um... man you musta gone though hell itself, dude! If my folks tried to turn me into a girl? I woulda lost it!" Turning to his parents, he held up his hands in mock surrender. "Don't get me wrong! I know you wouldn't, I'm just sayin'!"

After a bit of laughter, David regarded Joss somberly. "Um... I guess I have more to apologize for than Tracy. At least she didn't turn on you for what they did to you like I did. I thought like, you were lying to me all those years growing up, ya' know? Hell, I knew you liked stupid girly stuff like Trace, but you were still a guy. When I thought that you'd just been pretending to be a guy, I got mad and never even gave you a chance to tell me what was really going on. That's all on me. I'm sorry, dude."

"That's OK, Dave." Joss smiled at him weakly. "I wasn't very nice to you, either. Or you, Trace." he said, turning to her. "I was upset because I felt abandoned. Then when Melanie... um... had me castrated and put on HRT, I blamed you guys for not being there to help me. So try not to feel too bad about it, OK?"

Reaching out, Joyce hugged him desperately on hearing him say that. "Oh, Joss! I feel just awful! I should have tried harder to find out what went wrong when you three had your falling out! I just thought that... well... that you pushed them away! I'm sorry, dear!"

After several more rounds of apologies and a little catching up, including telling them about his spiritual revelation, the four were shown out by Dr. Benson, who returned once again after several minutes.

"Are you up for one more?" he asked gently. "You can say no."

"That's alright, Doctor Benson." Joss said happily. "I'm fine!" A moment later, Joss wasn't so sure as Pastor Roberts came into his room.

Looking at one another a moment before he could speak, Daniel walked up to the child he'd known for five years as Jocelyn. "I understand you're going by the name Joss now." he began.

"If you don't mind, Pastor." he answered meekly. Turning away, he couldn't face the man.

"Joss... I... Once again, I don't know what to say." the pastor stammered. "I look at you, and I see a girl... even though I know you're a boy. Now I come to learn that this was done to you? Against your will? By your own parents? Joss... why didn't you tell me? I could have helped!"

"How?" he asked as his wet eyes once more turned toward the man. "They didn't do anything illegal. They had a note from a psychiatrist. What could you have done? The last people that tried to help were the Healys. My parents responded by literally ripping Jennifer out of my arms, throwing them out, and banning me from ever seeing them again. That's why Jenn tried to kill herself. You think they'd of treated you better than a twelve-year-old girl?"

Processing what he was saying, he shook his head. "OK, I don't understand something. If you didn't want to be a girl, and your parents didn't know you were going to church, why did you come dressed as a girl?"

"I had nothing else." he answered. "Should I have just not gone?"

"If you would have told me your problem, I would have gotten you boy's clothes!"

"And suddenly Jocelyn stops coming to church and Josh starts coming, but he looks just like she did, just in boy clothes." he argued. "The congregation isn't stupid, Pastor Roberts. That would have lasted about five minutes before someone freaked out. Besides, I eventually was able to get some boy clothes, but I just looked like Jocelyn dressed sloppy. I... I look too much like a girl."

Shaking his head, Daniel wanted to refute the argument, but the logic was inescapable. "And even if I told the congregation your story, some would still have reacted badly... for you. They would have tried to interfere as the Healys did, tipping off your parents that you were attending church..."

"...and they would have forbid me to go anymore." Joss concluded. "You see? No good would come of it. I was stuck."

Daniel sat down in the chair by Joss's bed. "I'm surprised you ever came, given what you had to go through to do so. I... I read in your letter that you're agnostic. I know you said you liked the people, but I feel like I've failed you as a spiritual advisor if you still don't believe after so long."

"I believe now!" Joss smiled at him.

Looking at the boy, Daniel's eyes grew wide. "What? But you said..."

Going through the whole story again, Joss told him about his experience. "He said he gave me a rare gift and that I know what to do with it, but Pastor Roberts, I don't know what He meant! What gift do I have? I'm an OK artist, but nothing special. I once beat Heather Kent at jump rope when I was eight. The only other thing special about me is that I'm a boy that looks like a girl!"

Taking it all in, Daniel thought a moment before turning back to Joss. "You say He said you knew what to do?" Seeing Joss nod, the man got up and took the teen's hand. "Then you'll know what to do when the time comes. Hold on to that! You have many gifts! You're kind and compassionate, especially for someone who's been through what you have. Most boys forced into your situation would have become violently hateful. Just trust that you are special and have many gifts."

The hour getting on towards late afternoon, Dr. Benson had to cut the time short. "Pastor Roberts?" he began after he and Joss had said their good-byes, "Could I take a few minutes of your time in private before you leave?"

Going out in the hallway, they were gone several minutes before Dr. Benson came back in. Taking a seat next to Joss's bed, he looked at his patient sadly and seriously. "Joss, today is the last day of your observation. By law, I have to either release you or get a court order to have you committed to a state institution. Given everything I've seen, even if I did file commitment papers, they'd be denied. You're no danger to anyone, yourself included."

Joss turned away from his doctor glumly. "That means you're gonna have to give me over to Melanie, since you had Fred arrested. I'm sure she's gonna be pis... um... angry... about him getting thrown in jail. I'm guessing my trips to church are over, too."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Dr. Benson stated. "Joss, it's my belief that while not technically illegal, what your parents have done to you may constitute mental abuse under Ohio law. The trouble is, providing unwanted medical care to a minor has no precedence for being a form of abuse, and getting a court to agree that it is might be difficult. I think the best option would be to get your mother to willingly give up custody of you."

"Fat chance of that!" Joss snarked. "She sees me as her trophy, the ultimate expression of her progressiveness. How could anyone ever even hope to overcome that?"

Melanie walked down the hallway of the hospital with Dr. Benson just ahead of her. She was angry that she'd been denied access to Joss for four days after he woke up. Reading the note he'd left had sent her senses beyond reason. The very idea that Joss had been going to church of his own free will was beyond possibility. Somehow, somewhere, they'd gotten to her 'Jocelyn' and brainwashed 'her'. It was the only possibility she'd accept.

Convinced that the pastor and congregation of the church he was attending had driven him to deny being transgender and that they were responsible for his attempted suicide, she needed to get to him and start undoing the damage they'd done. That Dr. Benson wouldn't allow it infuriated her. That he denied Dr. Williams access as well enraged her. When he'd had Fred arrested for disorderly conduct, she was ready to snap.

To add insult to injury, she was forced to follow the man to Joss's room, simply because she had no idea where he was. To her mind, having to follow a man was the equal of foot-binding and being told that her place was in the home... cooking, cleaning, and making babies. The very large police officer following her was the only thing that kept her from saying anything.

When she entered the room, she stopped dead as a cold shiver ran down her spine. Joss was standing next to his bed wearing boy's jeans and sneakers, a man's flannel shirt, and a baseball cap; his long hair apparently gone and his breasts nowhere to be seen. "What the hell is this?" she demanded.

"Hello, Melanie." Joss said calmly.

"Jocelyn!" she yelled, only to be interrupted before she could say more.

"He prefers the name Joss, Mrs. Ryan." Dr. Benson stated truthfully.

"Her name is Jocelyn!" she shouted at him. "Don't you dare misgender her again! And it's Ms. Ryan, thank you!"

"Actually Melanie," Joss sighed, "Doctor Benson is correct... I prefer Joss. And he didn't misgender me, you did! I'm a boy. I always was."

Walking over to him, she watched as he fearfully moved around to the other side of the bed from her, making her stop and try to figure out how to get him to comply. "Jocelyn, sweetheart, you're just confused. Those religious extremists filled your head with hate and internalized transphobia! You're a girl, Jocelyn! Now... you come out from behind that bed and let me take you home."

"No, Melanie." Joss shook his head. "Doctor Benson hasn't released me, so you can't take me home. First, I want to talk to you."

Biting her lip, she knew if she just waited, the psychiatrist would have to let Joss go or file to have him committed. Still, she wanted to get on Joss's good side so that once he was home she could get rid of the boy clothes and spend the summer deprogramming him. "Alright, sweetie."

"Joss. No more pet names, Melanie. I'm a seventeen-year-old boy and..."

"Girl!" she snapped at him.

"Boy." he stated right back calmly.

"Ms. Ryan," Dr. Benson warned her, "I'll ask you not to shout at him again. You're disturbing the other patients."

"Her!" she barked at the doctor, unable to stop herself. Covering her mouth, she took a breath and glared at him. "Fine. I won't shout." Turning back to Joss, she looked at him gently. "Jocel... Joss... your father and I know you hate confrontation. You want to fit in. We understand, sw... Joss." she self-corrected. "But you can't hide from who you are! That's what drove you to this!" she gestured at the room.

"No, Melanie." he replied evenly. "You drove me to hate my life and see no value in it. You forced me to become a girl against my will. That won't be happening again."

"Jocelyn!" she whined in frustration.

"Joss." her son corrected her sedately.

"Fine!" she shouted, before looking over at Dr. Benson in anger. "Sorry!"

"Ms. Ryan," Joss's doctor began, "Joss has chosen to express his gender identity as male. He has told me that he has always been male and that you forced him to assume a female identity against his will."

Frustrated, she spat her answer at him. "Doctor Benson! You have no idea how hard it was to make Jocelyn accept her true self! We had to take away everything boyish and force her to wear only the most feminine clothes! If she had anything even remotely male available, she'd run back to pretending to be a boy! We had to make her transition for her own good! You're not a gender specialist! You wouldn't understand!"

"I may not be," he countered, "but in addition to being a licensed psychiatrist, I have a law degree and am a member of the bar. That's why I work here. I know the law and what you just confessed to, in front of an Officer of the Law and an Officer of the Court, could be classed as mental abuse per Ohio Revised Code for Offenses Against the Family, section twenty-two. I'm thinking of having both you and your husband charged with criminal abuse."

Backing away from him, she absently sat in the chair beside Joss's bed. "You can't do that!"

"I most certainly can, Ms. Ryan." he stated flatly. "Officer Webber there is here in case it becomes necessary to place you under arrest and to act as a witness. Additionally, before you were allowed in, you signed an agreement that everything in the Observation Ward is subject to being recorded." At that he pulled the digital recorder out of his pocket and showed it to her before replacing it. "Of course, if you can show that you're willing to be reasonable in all this, I'd be inclined to forgo legal action."

Reading between the lines, Melanie nodded as she glanced over at Officer Webber, his bulk a menacing reminder of what happened to Fred. "OK, Doctor Benson. I'm listening."

Looking at her, he walked over to Joss and put his hand on the girlish boy's shoulder. "You and your husband, once he's released from jail, will attend child abuse counseling sessions with a councilor of my choosing. No getting one of your co-workers to rubber-stamp a letter after talking to you for five minutes the way you did with Joss."

Swallowing hard that he knew about that, the shadiest part of what they'd done, Melanie nodded. "Agreed. So then, I can take her home?"

"No, you can't take him home." he answered. "Part of the agreement will be that until you complete counseling, Joss will be placed under PCSA custody, voluntarily, by you. He'll be placed in a foster home for the duration. There is a family already willing and available to take him."

His tone turning ominous, he added the final nail to the coffin. "If you do not agree, I'll have Officer Webber here place you under arrest under the charge of mental abuse of a minor. With your husband in jail already for aggravated disorderly conduct, Joss will be placed under PCSA custody anyway as he would have no guardians out of jail to care for him." Clasping his hands behind his back, he rocked on his heals and leveled his gaze at her. "So which will it be, Ms. Ryan?"

Closing her eyes, she very nearly got up and attacked the man, but for the perilous presence of the police officer behind him. Believing it to be the only way out of going to jail, and knowing that no matter what she did Joss wouldn't be coming home with her, Melanie bowed her head in defeat and nodded. "Agreed."

After signing the form Dr. Benson had prepared that voluntarily turned over custody of Joss to the local Public Children Services Agency, Melanie left without saying a word to Joss, for which he was thankful. Having already reached out to them, the agency was prepared when Emanuel called them to say that Joss was now in their custody and to contact the foster family he'd lined up.

As Joss walked with Dr. Benson out of the observation ward several hours later, still dressed in the boy's clothes he'd been brought, he smiled at his savior. "Thank you, Doctor Benson!"

"I just did my job, Joss." he said with a smile. "I also hope never to have to see you again!"

"Don't worry!" he giggled. "The only time you'll ever see me again is on a purely personal basis! You will come to my eighteenth birthday party in February, won't you?"

"I'll see what I can do, Joss." he hedged, uncertain he could as he signed them both out and taking the boy through the security doors.

Joss's smile grew from pleasant to joyful as he picked up from a walk to a jog, his cap falling to the floor and releasing his hidden long brown hair as he ran straight into Susan Roberts's arms.

Daniel smiled weakly, noting how even dressed as a boy he looked so much like a girl. Hugging both Joss and his wife, he was thankful that they'd been qualified as foster parents years earlier, never knowing how it would affect their lives. "Come on, Joss." he grinned, picking up the fallen cap. "Let's take you home!"