Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

CAUTION - Referenced Attempted Suicide

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Floating in a dream state, Joss wondered if this was what death was, an endless sea of nothingness for all eternity.

"Of course it isn't!" she answered.

Wanting to turn to the source of the voice, Joss was frustrated by the lack of everything, including a body to turn around.

"It's OK, Joss." she said kindly. "Don't be scared."

He knew the voice well. "Grace!" he screamed frustratedly.

"I'm right here!" she groaned. "You don't need to yell!"

"Where are you?" Where am I? he wondered.

"Nowhere special." she answered both questions. "Just a place where we can talk." her voice turning sad, she sighed. "Why'd you give up, Joss?"

Wanting to cry, he felt the sadness cover him like a blanket, threatening to smother him. "You... you died. I was alone and it... it hurt too much to keep going!"

"You weren't alone, Joss!" Grace said with a hint of irritation. "You can't lie to me! Even if you lie to yourself, I can see you! Mom was there, and Tracy and David, Karen and Lucy, Pastor Roberts, even Officer Nelson."

"Who?" he asked curiously.

"The policeman who found you." she huffed as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "You scared him, Joss! That wasn't very nice of you! Just think how sad all those people will be if you die!"

"Sorry." he grumbled. "I guess I didn't think about the poor guy that would find me, how it would make him feel." A feeling of warmth pushed away his sadness, flowing through him. He didn't need to ask what it was. The feeling was the same when Grace hugged him. "Thanks, Grace. I... I miss you!"

"I miss you too." she stated somberly. "It's OK, though! It had to be this way. If Peter hadn't hit us, I'd of died in a year anyway from cancer, and a year from now would be too late for you. Given the choice, at least this way didn't hurt. I didn't know what happened 'til I was here. Also Peter will be different. He won't kill those little kids two years from now. He explained it all to me."

"Who?" Joss asked again.

Giggling, he could hear the smile in her voice. "Him! Or Her. Neither one really works. He's not a man or woman, He just is. I only said 'He' out of habit, I guess."

"You mean... God?" he said tentatively.

"I didn't mean Santa Claus!" Grace laughed. "We've got it all wrong, Joss! He's not like anything we ever imagined!"

"Where is He? I mean, I'm dead. Shouldn't I be seeing Him or something?"

"You're not dead yet! Besides, He's everywhere, Joss! He always was! He's in everything! Everywhere and every time... all at once! He's so beautiful!"

"Then where is He?" he wondered aloud.

"He's a bit miffed at you at the moment." Grace chided him. "He knew you were going to do this, but that doesn't mean He had to like it."

"Oh." Joss said simply. "So... am I going to Hell then?"

"Only if you die... and only if you send yourself." Grace answered. "He doesn't condemn us to Hell, we can only do it to ourselves." she explained.

"Why would anyone condemn themselves to Hell?" he mostly asked himself.

"Guilt." she answered sadly. "He shows you what He had in mind for your life. Then you get to see all the evil you did by not doing what you should have done and how much better everything could have been if you'd done it. I should have been easier on my Mom, and there was a kid in my old school, remember? That girl I told you about that didn't look very girly? I should have been nicer to her. She could have had a better life if I had been. Now..." Her voice trailed off as a feeling of remorse washed over Joss.

"How were you supposed to know?" he asked irritatedly. "I mean, if He has all these plans for us, why keep it a secret? Why not tell us what we're supposed to do? Isn't that a little mean?"

"I knew." Grace said guiltily. "I felt it in my heart when I said mean things about her behind her back. Just like you knew when you told off Tracy and David that it was wrong. We always know... we just ignore it."

"Still, He doesn't have to point it out, does He?" Joss debated. "I mean, it's too late to fix it. Why rub it in?"

"It's just how it works." she answered. "You'll see. Then it'll make sense."

"So, when?" he wondered. "How long do I stay here?"

"Until it's decided." Grace answered cryptically. "Now, don't give me any of that!" she laughed. "You always do that when you don't like the answer!"

"Do what?" he asked honestly. "What'd I do?"

"Roll your eyes at me!"

I have eyes? he wondered to himself.

"You can see, can't you?"

"No... well, not really. It's just black. Nothing. But I can sorta see it."

"Oh." Grace said disappointedly. "I guess you're punishing yourself. That explains a lot. I hope you learn to forgive yourself."

"So... you can see me?" he hoped.

"Of course I can!" she insisted. "You're so beautiful! Just like always!"

Pausing a moment, he had to know the answer. "Grace? Am I... do I look like a boy or a girl?"

"Same thing I always tell you, Joss! You're you!"

"That's not really an answer, Grace!" he groused.

"Well, it's the only one that works." she stated matter-of-factly. "You're you... my wonderful Joss!"

Feeling the warmth of her hug again, Joss suddenly felt it vanish and grew cold. "What's happening?" he asked fearfully.

"It's been determined. Doctor Hicks did everything right, and you didn't."

"What do you mean?" he asked curiously.

"You took too long to get your letter just right." she explained. "It was one in the morning when you took your first pill. You just didn't notice. Still, it was kind of up in the air. Doctor Hicks could have chosen to give up on you after the third time, but he didn't. You're going back."

"No!" he yelled. "Grace, please! I don't want to! I want to stay here with you! I have nothing back there without you!"

"You have to, Joss." she pointed out unhappily. "I miss you too, but you're not done yet. That's why a year from now would have been... Oh!"

"What?" he asked, wondering what it was that surprised her.

"Um... He's here! He doesn't usually come here. This is the place He chooses not to be to let people understand on their own, or with help if anyone is willing, like me! That's my job! I'm a Helper, just like Daddy is! He wanted to be your Helper so you'd get a chance to meet him like you always wanted to, but I insisted! He could never say no to me!" she giggled.

Confused, Joss began to feel an overwhelming sense of love and compassion, one so big it drowned out everything else. Slowly the darkness began to fade into gray warmth, then white brilliance, and finally into a dazzling light brighter than anything he could ever have imagined. There, standing in front of him, was Grace as he remembered her best, the fourteen-year-old girl with the pixie haircut and exuberant attitude.

"Grace!" he smiled.

"No." she said with an ethereal voice that echoed with billions of voices in perfect harmony. "She is here. She is with Me." The feeling of love pushed through Joss like waves of water, penetrating every part of his being. "She has done what she needed to do, to help you see." Even as the waves of love emanating from Grace's form suffused his very soul, a terrible feeling of dread overwhelmed him. "Do not throw away My gift again!" The voices were all raised as if in anger, but felt more like frustration and irritation.

Overcome, Joss had to look away from the blinding brilliance as guilt filled him, only to be pushed away by the unending tide of love and compassion.

Hearing the voices soften again, Joss turned to face Grace once more. "I gave you a rare gift. You know what to do with it." the voices echoed.

"Bye Joss." Grace said in her own voice. "I'll miss you, but I better not see you here too soon or I'll thump ya'!" she giggled. "Just follow your heart..."

Joss's eyes fluttered open. Once more he was in a hospital room, only this time he was alone. Trying to sit up, he found himself restrained as before, but with straps holding his wrists. Glancing around, he saw a small remote next to his hand with a single button on it, a line-art icon of a traditional nurse's cap decorating it. Picking it up, Joss pressed the button and waited.

Within a minute, he heard footsteps approaching. Turning his head, he saw a woman in her forties walking up to him.

"Afternoon." she stated professionally, looking at his chart. "I'm Carolyn. Is it Joshua or Jocelyn?" she asked without prejudice, Joss noting that her voice had a bit of a British accent to it.

Croaking a whisper, he felt like someone had punched him in the throat. "You can call me Joss." he managed to eke out.

"Joss it is, then." she said with a half-hearted smile. Checking the machine next to him that was monitoring his vitals, she noted the readings before sitting on the corner of his bed. "Want some water?"

He nodded and watched as the woman brought him a cup with a straw, letting him sip a few drops before taking it away.

"Not too much." she said in warning. "Your body's been through the wars!"

Nodding in understanding, he tried to clear his throat, regretting it almost immediately as the pain nearly overpowered him.

"Easy, love!" the woman admonished gently. "Don't push. Try and go slow."

Swallowing and enduring the pain, he tried again. "Where am I?" he asked in a gravely voice.

Sighing, she looked at him with pity. "You're in the psychiatric observation ward at Southwest General. You remember what happened, Joss?"

Guiltily, he turned away from her. "I... I did something stupid I wish I could take back." his voice starting to sound normal after painfully clearing his throat again.

Smiling at him sympathetically, the nurse stood up. "Well that's a good start, anyway." she offered. "Need anything else?"

Looking down at the restraints, he looked up at her pleadingly. "Do these have to stay on?"

"Sorry, love." she shrugged.

"Another sip of water then, please?"

Giving it to him, Carolyn smiled down at him compassionately. "You're quite the pretty young thing, Joss... if you don't mind my saying so." she said softly. "For someone like you, it must be a nice... a rare gift."

Her words ran his memory back to the half-remembered dream he'd awoken from, suddenly not sure if it was a dream or not. "Like me?" he asked.

"Your chart says you're transgender... undergoing hormone therapy? There's a note that says you were having second thoughts though, so I wasn't sure how to address you. That's why I asked. I was just pointing out that a lot of girls like you could be so lucky to look so pretty... a rare gift. Hope you don't mind, love."

Shaking his head, he leaned up to get another sip. Swallowing it carefully, he was pleased that it didn't hurt so much this time. "Thanks, and no... I don't mind. I know I'm pretty. That's part of the problem."

Putting the cup on his rolling tray, she smiled at him and shook her head. "I have to get back now. You be alright?" Seeing him nod, she turned and walked out of his room.

Nearly an hour passed before he heard footsteps once more. "Glad to see you awake... Joss." a man said consulting the nurse's notes.

Looking over at who had come in, Joss knew at once he was a doctor just by his bearing, even though he wore business clothes. "I'm Doctor Benson. Mind if I ask you a few questions?"

Shaking his head, Joss tried smiling at him. "It's fine, doctor." he answered, disheartened a little that his name wasn't Hicks. Guess it was all just a dream after all. he admitted his disappointment inwardly.

Pulling up a chair and sitting next to the bed, the man regarded him earnestly. "You seem sad."

Taking a breath, Joss glanced at him again. "Just regretting being stupid." he half-lied. He did regret trying to kill himself, but was honestly more sad that his time with Grace was nothing but a fantasy.

"How were you stupid, Joss?"

"Trying to kill myself. I... I wish I could take it back."

Arching his brows at the boy's unexpected response, he looked over Joss's charts once more. "You wish you hadn't tried, or you wish you'd done it a different way?"

"Hadn't tried. I... I..." Joss shook his head. Concluding who it was he was talking to, he tried to encapsulate into words what he was feeling. The power of compassion and love that he'd felt in his dream made him realize just how much he'd nearly lost, but he didn't want to tell Doctor Benson about it for fear that he'd be locked up for thinking he'd met God. "I guess I just realized when I woke up that it was a stupid thing to do. Trying to kill myself, I mean. I shoulda known better. My friend Jennifer tried, too."

Shifting in his seat, Dr. Emanuel Benson regarded Joss curiously. "That's quite an unusual attitude for someone who just found out they failed." he commented. "Normally, the first response is regret that they didn't succeed. What changed your mind?"

Shrugging absently, Joss turned away from him. "I feel awful!"

Chuckling, the doctor noted it and looked back at Joss. "If you would have succeeded, you wouldn't feel awful. You wouldn't feel anything. Wasn't that why you did it? To make the pain stop?"

Nodding, he looked back at the man. "Yeah, but there were other ways to deal with it. I knew that, but killing myself seemed like the easiest way." Seeing Dr. Benson scratching some notes, Joss recognized the behavior. "You're a psychiatrist, aren't you?"

"Yes." he admitted. "I figured it wouldn't take you long to determine, your mother being a psychologist and all. Normally, I try and talk to my patients a while before I let them know. People get intimidated when they know that they're talking to a psychiatrist, but not you. Why is that?"

Noting his technique, Joss giggled. "I see what you did there! I know the routine... that's why, Doctor Benson. You ask questions meant to get through people's defenses. I'm not saying it's bad or anything, I just know the deal. Inside information, and all."

Jotting down more notes, he looked back up at Joss. "Alright then, Joss... you're being direct, so I will as well. Are you transgendered?"

Grimacing, Joss knew the doctor would ask, but hadn't yet figured out how to answer. "I don't know, doc." he said honestly. "I mean, I'm not dysphoric, if that's what you mean. I liked being a boy, but as to being trans? I just don't know. Being a girl is just easier."

"Because of how your parents treat you?" he asked.

"Yes... well, that and it sorta comes naturally, I guess." he admitted. "I've always been kinda girly. That's why my parents thought I was gay when I was little." He couldn't keep the derision out of his voice as he answered.

"You don't like your parents very much, do you?"

"Not really, no. I mean, I love 'em, but they think they know me better than I do. They would never listen when I told them how I felt."

"Parents are supposed to know their children." the doctor pointed out. "They have the advantage of better judgement and more perspective."

"But as was pointed out to me once, every child is a unique person." Joss countered. "We aren't clones of our parents. Their experience and judgement isn't necessarily appropriate to our situations. That's why they should actually listen and take the kid's perspective into account. Anyway, most of parenting is just educated guesswork and hoping you didn't mess up."

Furrowing his brow, he grinned weakly. "Where'd you hear that?"

Smiling at the memory of his time with the Healys and the sage advice from John, he sighed fondly. "The best source available, a loving parent. Not one of mine." he added harshly.

Taking notes, he looked up at Joss. "You seem to be an emotionally healthy person... maybe more so than average. So why did you want to die?"

"Did you read my letter?" Joss asked, knowing he would have. Seeing the man nod, he turned away embarrassedly. "It's pretty much all there. I wanted to escape what my parents turned me into." Gesturing to himself with his restrained hands, he glanced back up at him. "From this body... from the constant reminders that I look, sound, write, and probably eat like a girl!"

"How does a girl eat that's different from a boy?"

Rolling his eyes that the man took the statement seriously, Joss looked away. "That was a joke."

"Do you think this is a good time for jokes, Joss?"

"Sorry." he apologized sincerely. "Bad habit. Guess it comes from being a joke. The boy who looks and acts like a girl, but feels like a boy."

"Do you always talk so badly about yourself being transgendered?"

"Only since my parents forced me to become a joke."

"You think being transgendered is a joke?" the older man asked.

"It is if you aren't!" Joss snapped back. Forcing himself to calm down, he took a breath. "Sorry. But I will not be shoved down that road."

"What road is that?"

"The one where you back me into a corner, forcing me to say that there's nothing wrong with me being trans!" he nearly growled. "Because there is something wrong with it! I'm not! I have nothing against trans people! I just don't happen to be one! I'm not Natalie Wood, either! Sure, there'd be nothing bad about it if I was, other than the fact that she's dead, but if people tried to treat me like I was her, that would be a problem!"

Making more notes, the doctor's eyes darted back toward Joss. "Do you think you're in a good enough place to even make that determination?"

Joss sat up as much as possible in the restraints and stared him directly in the eyes, unwaveringly. "Nobody gets to decide who I am, except me."

Pursing his lips, Dr. Benson noted something down before looking back up at him. Examining Joss carefully, he smiled. "That's an excellent answer, Joss. Just so you know, I only wanted to see how you would react to me trying to tell you who you are. I'm glad to see that you won't let someone do that to you."

"Not anymore." Joss stated coolly.

"That's a healthy attitude." the psychiatrist advised. "The willingness to fight to defend your identity shows your sense of self-preservation has re-asserted itself, reducing the probability that you'll attempt suicide again." Taking a few last notes, Dr. Benson stood up. "Well, I have some other people to see. It was a pleasure talking with you. I'll be back tomorrow."

As the man started to go, Joss had to ask. "Doctor Benson?" Seeing him turn back around, the boy sighed. "I'll understand if the answer is no, I mean, it's your butt if I were to try again, but..." He glanced down at the restraints. "Are these still necessary? I'd give you my word that I have no intention of hurting myself ever again, but I know that doesn't mean much to you. I wish Pastor Roberts was here. He could vouch for me."

Taking a breath, the barrel-chested psychiatrist looked at him seriously. "Joss, you're right. If I release you and you hurt yourself again, your parents could sue me for letting it happen."

"Then I guess it comes down to whether or not you'll take my word." Joss said, lying back down to stare up at the ceiling.

"I'd like to Joss." he said sadly. "I really would, but I just don't know you well enough to know if that means anything to you. You're also very adept at deception. You've been making people truly believe you're a girl for years when you say you aren't. That, on top of your mother's influence, you could know just what to say to me to make me believe you. I'm sorry. You don't realize how bad off you were when they brought you in. Given how much of what you took, it was a minor miracle that you survived. You might not have if Doctor Hicks hadn't been so stubborn."

Whipping his head around, Joss's eyes went wide. "What did you say?"

Perplexed, Emanuel Benson raised his eyebrows. "I was just saying that I don't know you well enough to tell..."

"No!" Joss interrupted him. "Doctor who?"

Gazing at the boy, his expression lightened. "Oh! Doctor Hicks! He's the emergency room physician that treated you when you first came in. He lost you three times, but he wouldn't give up. You wouldn't be here except for him." Looking at Joss concernedly he asked, "Are you alright?"

His face went ashen as he recalled the name Grace had told him. I suppose I could have heard it on the operating table. he tried to justify to himself, but the details were too startlingly accurate. "I... I'm fine." he lied. "I... I just never owed someone my life before."

"You don't owe him anything, Joss." Dr. Benson advised skeptically. "He does it because he loves helping people. It's in his nature." His expression turning jovial, the man tried to help elevate Joss's mood. "Besides, it's your parents who owe him. They'll be getting his bill next month! See they pay it! He's got student loans to pay that saved your life!"

Left alone again, Joss pondered his revelation. Was it real? he wondered. Or was it all just my brain taking in information and building an elaborate dream to fulfill my need to see Grace again? Then why couldn't I see her until the end when it wasn't her anymore?

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but it eluded him for several hours.

He became aware of the fact that he must have dozed off when he looked up and saw the clock on the wall. It said it was a few minutes after nine, but without a window he didn't know if that was AM or PM. Lying back, he realized after a moment that he was very thirsty. Pressing the button on the remote again, this time a voice just came over a speaker.

"Yes?" the disembodied female voice asked.

"I'm thirsty." he stated simply. "Could someone get me some water, please?"

With a note of irritation the voice replied, "Someone will be in there shortly." followed by empty silence.

When the clock showed it was twenty minutes to ten, he considered pressing the button again. His thirst was agonizing; his throat hurting and his lips dry and cracking. Deciding to wait and find out if he'd been forgotten, it was a few minutes later when a woman finally came in looking very put out. Without saying a word, she picked up the cup of water and held it out in front of him impatiently.

Leaning forward in the restraints, Joss stretched himself to reach the straw, barely managing to put his lips on it and suck some of the refreshing liquid into his mouth. Holding it there a moment, he let it soak his lips and tongue before swallowing some. Not yet finished with his first drink, the woman put the cup down and started for the door at a brisk pace.

"Wait!" he begged, causing her to pause and look back at him scornfully. "Could I have more, please?"

Rolling her eyes, she stalked back to the bed and thrust the cup in front of him again. "Here!" she barked, the only word Joss ever heard her say.

Taking another drink, and certain that she'd walk off as soon as his lips left the straw, he took several gulps before filling his mouth with water until his cheeks bulged. As he predicted, the woman put the nearly empty cup down and left. He took several minutes to slowly let the water trickle down his throat, not wanting to run out too soon. After it was gone he felt better, but found he was wide-awake. He tried sleeping, but it wouldn't come. He lay there for countless idle hours with nothing to do but ponder his situation and listen to the electric hum of the clock on the wall.

When Carolyn came in the next morning, Joss snapped his eyes open, unsure when in the early hours of the morning he'd fallen asleep. Lifting his head, he smiled at her. "Good morning, Carolyn."

"Mornin', love!" she chirped. "Sleep well?"

"Not really." he admitted. "Could I get some water, please?" Once more he found himself parched, despite the IV bag pouring fluids into him.

Refilling the cup, Carolyn sat on the edge of the bed. "Here we are. Let's sit you up so you don't choke!"

Raising the head of the bed helped immensely as Joss took the offered straw in his lips and sucked gently. Swallowing little sips, he felt safe she wouldn't walk away before he was done.

Looking at him as he finished, she pushed the bangs out of his eyes. "Have a good talk with Doc Benson, then?" she asked knowingly.

He nodded and relaxed. "Yeah. He seems nice. I think he can help me."

Getting up, she put the empty cup down before noting Joss's vitals on his chart. "He is nice... for a trick cyclist!"

"Sorry, what?" Joss looked at her with confusion.

"Slang for psychiatrist, love." she explained. "He cares about his patients, maybe too much... 'specially young ones like yourself. He's too empathetic. He can look at you and just know how you feel. Eerie sometimes!"

Laughing together, Joss nodded. "I noticed that. He knew I was sad without me even saying a word."

"What were you sad about?" she asked.

Not wanting to lie like he had to Dr. Benson, he stared at her carefully. "Can I tell you a secret? One you won't put in your notes?"

Tilting her head, she looked at him askance. "I'm supposed to note anything you say, love... even you asking me to keep a secret."

Joss lay back, unwilling to risk getting labeled as a crackpot just to be honest. "Never mind. It's not important." he said disappointedly.

Wanting to help, Carolyn thought for a moment. "Tell you what, Joss. You tell me, and if I think it's not something the good Doctor needs to know, I won't note it. That fair?"

Deciding to trust her, he nodded and waited while she sat on his bed next to him again. "I was sad because I thought it was all a dream." Telling her what he'd experienced, he noted how he knew the name of the emergency room doctor and his tenacious attitude before Dr. Benson had told him. "I... I think it was God, Carolyn... but I'm afraid if Doctor Benson knows that's what I think, he might think that I'm totally insane, lock me up, and throw away the key!"

Listening quietly, Carolyn took it all in understandingly. "It's alright, love." she comforted as she moved Joss's bangs out of his eyes gently once more. "I understand. I don't think he'd lock you up, though. Pro'lly just tell ya' it was only a dream, but I believe you!"

Looking at her a moment, Joss smiled. "Thank you, Carolyn." His expression turning concerned, he asked, "Are you gonna tell him?"

Sighing as she got up, she picked up his chart. "I should, but I think I'll leave it to you, love. Tell him. Bet you he already knows you're keeping something from him. You should learn to trust people. He wants to help. You said so yourself!"

Leaving him with those thoughts, he considered her words. By the time Dr. Benson came in that afternoon, he'd made up his mind.

"How are you feeling today, Joss?" Emanuel asked as he pulled up a chair.

"Bored." he confessed. "And stiff from not being able to move, but I get it."

Noting it down, the man stood and unlatched Joss's restraints. "We'll see if they stay off, but for while I'm here at least, you can move a little. Just be careful of your IV and catheter."

Rubbing his wrists, Joss pushed himself up and felt his back pop. "Ohhh! That felt so good!" he moaned.

Chuckling a little as he sat back down, he reviewed the nurses' notes. Not seeing anything of interest, he went straight to the first question he had on his mind. "So how about we start with you telling me whatever it was you were dodging yesterday."

Turning away, Joss was embarrassed, but pressed forward. "I... I lied to you yesterday." he admitted. "When you asked why I was sad, I lied." Explaining about his experience, he finally got to his disappointment. "So, when you said your name was Benson, I thought it was all just a dream, but then you told me about Dr. Hicks. I already knew his name and about how hard he fought to save me. Grace told me."

Scribbling in a frenzy, Emanuel finally got it all down. "I can understand why you'd be afraid to admit all that Joss, but we don't lock people up for their beliefs. We lock them up for their own protection, or the protection of others. If you chose to believe that what you experienced was real, that's your choice. Now if you told me God said to try to kill yourself again or hurt other people, that would be different."

Relieved, Joss scooted over on his left side to face the man. "Thanks! I feel a little better now. I don't like lying to people. You're right. I do it too much already. I... I was just scared. Thanks for not thinking I'm loony!"

They spent the next hour talking about Joss's feelings of frustration, anger, and learned helplessness over the past five years. The tormented teen held nothing back. By the time Dr. Benson got up to leave, he watched as Joss moved to lay on his back once more and put his hands down at his sides.

"Do you want me to restrain you again, Joss?" he asked.

"No." he answered. "But I'm not going to fight you over it. I understand."

Walking up, Emanuel smiled and put his hand on the boy's shoulder. "I trust you now, Joss. I don't think you'll hurt yourself ever again. Why don't we try leaving them off tonight and see what happens, alright?"

Joss smiled back at him. "Don't worry!" he chirped. "I think I'm gonna be just fine!"