Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

CAUTION - Highly Emotional Content

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Josh was finally ready. Having spent most of the day getting his hair and nails done, a complete facial, and then almost two hours to get dressed, he looked at the final product. Trying to make himself like what he saw, he still hated the vision of young womanhood staring back at him from his closet mirror. Seventeen and hours away from his Junior Prom, he was irreparably and unmistakably a woman in all but the most basic of ways. No one would even believe you if you told them you were a boy. he ridiculed himself as he examined the beautiful woman in his mirror.

Suddenly he was reminded of the Sunday when his semi-open secret had gotten out at the one place that he didn't want to be known as Josh.

Grace walked with Josh in through the front doors of the church, greeting Pastor Roberts as usual and taking their usual seat in their usual pew. As they waited, she and Josh both started to overhear the conversation being held just behind them.

"So anyway," Mrs. Mason continued, "I heard from Mrs. Ashberry that he goes to the local High School! Just think about that, Henry! A boy dressed like a girl... right here in our area! Using the same restrooms as the girls! The same changing rooms for PE! I ask you, how can you not care! What if our granddaughter were going to that school? Would you want her being seen naked by a boy?"

Henry Mason sighed, sick of her harping on the issue even after they'd gotten to church. "Quiet, Edith! This is hardly the place to talk about it!"

"Why not?" she asked, incensed that he wasn't more upset. "This is God's house and He would condemn such things..."

"Edith!" he shouted in a whisper, looking embarrassedly to see that Josh was turning around to look at them with fear in his eyes. "Edith, this is not the place to discuss it! We are here to glorify God, not discuss politics!" Seeing that both Grace and Josh were fully listening to their conversation, he turned crimson. "Sorry, girls. Mrs. Mason was just about to apologize to you two for disturbing you... right dear?"

Narrowing her eyes at him, Edith Mason turned to the two youths. "I most certainly was not, Henry! They understand! Don't you girls? It's just not right for a boy to impersonate a girl and be free to roam in and out of the restroom when you're using it! It's disgusting and perverted!"

Having had about enough, and tempted to grab Josh and kiss him right in front of her, Grace instead turned in her seat and glared. "Mrs. Mason," she whispered angrily, "I agree with Mr. Mason. I don't think this is the place!"

Turning to Josh as Grace angrily turned her back on the woman, she hoped for at least one ally. "Jocelyn, you're a fine Christian girl! I'm sure you'd never want anything to do with such people! Am I right? You're nothing like them!"

Swallowing hard, Josh whispered the best answer he could. "Mrs. Mason? The girl you're talking about? I know her. She'd do anything to be normal, but she has no choice. That choice was made for her. Mr. Mason's right, though. This isn't the place to talk about it."

As Josh turned and looked away, Edith sat back in her seat, but refused to apologize. The next week, Josh and Grace sat in a different pew.

Checking one last time, Josh picked up the small pink clutch that matched his gown and dropped his phone in, snapping it shut. The ankle-length princess gown rustling with each step, he left his room and made his way downstairs once more to be photographed and embarrassed by his father.

Prom was uneventful, save for typical instances of jocks trying to spike the punch bowl and other teenage angst. Josh had long ago disappeared into the background to be quietly ignored and snubbed by his peers, but that was fine by him. He was content to just be there with Grace at his side.

After the Prom, as Grace drove them back to her house for some time alone, Judy and Greg having gone out themselves for the evening, the two were anxious to reach the girl's empty home and finally lose themselves in each other. "I love you." Josh said to her dreamily.

Smiling wickedly, Grace never took her eyes off the road. "I love you too, Joss! I can't wait to get you home to show you how much!"

"Are you glad we waited?" he asked unsure of himself. "Are you sure you don't want to wait until..."

"No!" Grace interrupted him. "I don't want to waste one more second I can spend with you, Joss! I need you!" Sliding her hand toward him, she smiled when he took it and squeezed it, letting go to put it back on the wheel.

"I just want you to be sure, Grace." he sighed. "I can wait, even if I don't want to! I love you too much!" Glancing over at Grace who just smiled as she watched the road, thinking about what the rest of the evening might have in store for them, Josh giggled just before he blacked out.

Waking up slowly, Josh wasn't sure where he was. His eyes wouldn't focus and he felt adrift and weak. Trying to move, he found himself restrained and began to panic. The dreamlike unreality of it all, most especially the detached feeling of no real sensations, made him relax. I'm dreaming.

He'd never managed to lucid dream before, but figured that since he knew now that it was a dream he could do anything he wanted. Trying to move again, he felt the vague disassociated sensation of pain and stopped. It hadn't actually hurt, it was more like a distant memory of pain that dreams have. Going with the flow, he tried once more to open his eyes, but they refused to focus.

"So anyway, that's about all I could do." the girl's voice said. "Jocelyn?"

Furrowing his brow, he revolted at the name haunting his dream. Working to place the voice, he couldn't quite manage it, or remember much at all.

"Jocelyn!" it said again, sounding joyful. "Oh my God, Joss! I thought you were never going to wake up!"

Finally able to put together the voice into something he could remember, he giggled lightly. Now I know it's a dream! he laughed at himself. Forcing his vision to focus on the voice that came from the bodiless face hovering over him, he smiled. "I miss you Trace! You were my best friend!" Hearing a sniff come from the fuzzy apparition, he knew she was crying.

"I know, Joss! I missed you, too!" Tracy said through sniffs, trying to hold back her tears. "I... when I heard what happened, I came down here right away! Davie too! We've been coming to see you every day after school ever since! He's downstairs getting a coffee right now."

While she spoke, Josh's head started to clear and his vision and memory began to improve. The background behind Tracy's head slowly resolved into the image of a hospital room. Blinking back the fog in his brain, Josh slowly started to feel real again. "This... this isn't a dream?" he asked.

Sadly, Tracy shook her head. "I wish it were, Joss. I'm so sorry! I know I've been terrible to you these last few years! I... I said some awful things about you behind your back, just so people would like me, but I don't care about that anymore! I just... I just want my sister back!"

Recalling their falling out over Tracy's insistence that he was actually a girl, Josh's attitude changed from glad to irritated. "Your sister... right." he sighed. Pausing a moment, it dawned on him that he didn't know how he'd gotten there. "Wait, what am I doing here? Where the hell am I?"

"Southwest General." she answered. "Don't you remember what happened?"

"No!" he answered with annoyance. "Would I ask how I got here if I did?"

Suddenly quiet, Tracy got up. "I... I should get a nurse." she said nervously. "Be right back!"

Watching her leave, he looked around and noticed that he was strapped to the bed. Wanting to be able to get up, he searched to find the release and unclipped it, slowly easing it away from his body.

"Oh, no you don't!" the nurse said as he came in and hooked the strap back in place. "We don't want you spilling out of bed if you have another seizure."

Blinking at the large black man wearing green scrubs, Josh shook his head to clear it. "A seizure? I had a seizure?"

"Three." he said, checking the teen's vitals. "One before you got here."

Believing that he may be beginning to understand what happened to him, Josh cleared his throat. "Did... did Grace bring me here? What day is it?"

Furrowing his brow, the nurse looked away. "Wednesday afternoon."

His eyes shooting open, Josh tried to grasp it. I've been here since Saturday night! Nearly four days! Realizing he'd missed church Sunday, he resolved to reach out to Pastor Roberts and let him know he was OK. Looking at the man studying him, Josh swallowed. "Um... are my parents here?"

"They went home a bit ago." he said in his smooth voice. "You've had guests since you were admitted! You got lots of people that care about you!"

Grimacing at the idea, he could only call to mind a few. Grace, Judy, Pastor Roberts and some of the congregation, Trace and Dave too... I guess, Melanie and Daddy at least think they care about me! Not able to think of anyone else at first, he mentally added a few more. Jennifer of course, and Vicky and John... maybe Luke. Sure that he'd gotten everybody, he smiled up at the nurse. "I guess so."

"Well, you rest here and I'll go call your doctor and your folks, alright?"

"Can you call Grace and Judy, too? Judy Wright?" he asked, more interested in seeing them than his parents.

Stopping, he shook his head. "Let's start with your folks. They can call whoever else needs to know, alright?"

As the nurse left, Josh saw an almost unfamiliar face staring at him from the hallway. If it weren't for the fact that he'd seen him here and there over the past few years, he wouldn't have been able to place him. "D... Dave?"

Walking in slowly, his hands stuffed in his front pockets, David Edwards shuffled in nervously. "Um... hey, Jocelyn! Have a good nap?"

Chuckling and noticing it hurt, he tried not to. "You're so full of it, Dave!"

The boy looked down and away as a smile cracked on his face. "Yeah... nice callback, dude... um... I mean..."

Josh shook his head again, making him dizzy. "It's fine, Dave! I'm not gonna jump your shit over that!" Seeing him relax, Josh sighed happily. "Can't say I care for how I got to see you... but I'll take it! Could you do me a favor?"

"Sure thing." David said as he pulled his hands out of his pockets. "Want some water or somethin'?"

"Not right now." Josh said, shaking his head slowly this time. "I... would you call someone for me? Judy Wright. She's my um... girlfriend's mom."

"Yeah, I know." he said glumly. "I think everyone at school knew about you two. You want me to call her mom?"

"No, you call Aunt Joyce, Mom!" he joked, making the other boy groan at the wordplay. "Would you call Judy for me though? Please?"

"Hey, don't even try those 'little girl eyes' on me!" David countered. "They don't work on me and it's creepy as hell coming from you!" Laughing for a moment, David nervously looked away. "So, uh... you want me to call her?"

"If you wouldn't mind." Josh begged. "Just dial and hand me the phone." Giving him the number, David pulled out his cell phone and dialed. Once he heard it ring, he handed the mobile device over to Josh.

After a few rings, Judy answered. "Hello?"

"Judy!" Josh exclaimed.

"Jocelyn?" she replied. "Oh my God, Jocelyn! You're awake?"

"Only just." he answered. "I woke up a bit ago and borrowed a phone to call right away. I still don't know what happened. A nurse told me I had like, three seizures. Is Grace there? I want to let her know I'm OK!" Silence greeted him as he saw the shocked look on David's face. "Hello? Judy? You still there?"

"Yes." she answered. "I'm here, Joss. Didn't they tell you what happened?"

"Just what I said... that I had a seizure." His thoughts clouded over as he saw David turn away. "Judy... where's Grace?"

Another interminable silence followed as his mind raced with what might have happened. Finally, Judy answered. "There... there was an accident, Jocelyn. Your car was hit by a drunk driver." A silence stretched on for what seemed like hours before Judy said, "She's gone, Jocelyn. Grace died."

Josh dropped the phone into his lap. Slowly, it slid down and off his bed, landing on the floor with a thundering clatter. "No..." he whimpered.

Scooping up the phone, David looked at it before putting it up to his ear. "Hello? Mrs. Wright? This is David... David Edwards. I'm a friend of Joss's. She uh... she dropped the phone."

Judy collected herself. "Is he... is she alright?"

Looking at Josh, David shook his head. "I don't think so, Mrs. Wright. She looks... catatonic, I think."

Josh's mind was a blur as his entire world collapsed around him. Vague feelings of anger, loneliness, and an unendurable sadness slowly started to fill his mind, threatening to drown him in sorrow and pain. His barely endurable existence, only made livable by the bright light of Grace, fell apart as he descended once more into his own personal living hell.

Slowly coming back into awareness, Josh found himself being held by his mother. Initially repulsed by her, he couldn't help but grasp on to what little affection he could find.

"It's alright, baby." she soothed him, rocking back and forth and petting his long brown hair. "It's alright."

Desperately, he wrapped his arms around her and clung to her for dear life. "She's dead! Grace is dead!" he began to sob uncontrollably into his mother's comforting shoulder.

"I know, sweetheart." Melanie answered softly. "I know."

"Princess?" Fred announced himself, emotion choking his voice and not even trying to hide it. "We're here, sweetie. We'll get through this."

Bawling like a four-year-old, Josh cried for what seemed to be hours before exhaustion claimed him once more as he passed into a restless sleep.

He awoke facing the sun streaming in through the window. Blinking through his dried tears, he didn't look away. He just lay there and existed.

Days passed and still he lay there. While his body was healing, his mind, heart, and spirit were all dying. Aware of what was going on around him, he nevertheless refused to engage with anyone or anything. Convinced that his life was nothing but an endless turmoil of pain, torture, and sorrow, only interrupted by teasing moments of happiness for them to be cruelly snatched away, he lay there just watching the sunbeams filter through the blinds in the morning, only to shift and fade with the passing day and disappear with the night.

After a week of near catatonia, Josh roused one Thursday to a familiar voice.

"Good morning, Jocelyn."

Moving just his eyes, his vision came to rest on the face of his pastor.

"I came down to see you the day after they brought you in. I called Judy to find out why you two missed church and she told me." Daniel stated. "We prayed for you, Susan and me. I'm glad to see you awake."

Not acknowledging his words, Josh simply looked back to his window.

"I... uh... I didn't tell your parents who I was." he continued. "I told them I was your councilor... which is true, in a way!" he chuckled lightly. "I knew you were keeping your church attendance from them." he explained. "I... I didn't want to add to your troubles." Pausing, he collected his thoughts.

"The congregation has missed you these last two weeks. They've asked about you, but I haven't told them what happened. I told them you were ill. See, there was a news article about the accident. You weren't named, but your... uh... situation... was. Your parents seemed to go out of their way to make sure the papers all knew that you were... well... a boy."

Hearing that, Josh moved his eyes to look over at the man again.

"I... um... I don't know what to say! You... you seem very much a girl to me. You always have. I never... well... I guess this is one way for the Lord to test a man's faith! I guess I just want to hear it from you." Daniel paused and asked the question. "Are you a boy?"

Looking back to his window with a blink, Josh felt that was answer enough.

"I see." he sighed. "You've made me do a lot of soul searching these past few days... Jocelyn. Examining if this is just the work of man or the work of God. I honestly don't know. What I do know is that you have always been a warm, kind, and caring member of my church, and I would hate to lose you from our family."

Stepping forward a little, he sighed again as he tried to make his way though the next thing he wanted to say. "I... I'm so sorry for your loss, Jocelyn. Grace was a bright light every Sunday, and I'm sure to you she was much more than that. This world is a darker place at her passing. I can offer no words of consolation to you that will ease the pain. For a loved one to die so young, with so much of life yet to live, is more than a loss. It's a tragedy."

Clearing his throat, he saw Josh look at him once more. "For you, I can only imagine how it must feel, and then I find myself realizing that I can't imagine it. I... I choose to believe that your feelings for Grace are no less than mine for Susan. Even if I were to lose her now, I at least would have the memories of our years together and the children we've raised. You... you lost Grace before you two even had a chance. I'm so sorry."

Not seeing much of any headway in reaching him, Daniel sighed once more and tried again to reach out. "I want you to know that when you're feeling better, you'll be welcome in any church I run. My sermon on Sunday is going to be on the subject of not judging others. I intend to cite your accident and what it said about you in it. I won't mention your name, but... I intend on asking them how they would feel if this was their daughter... their son... or a member of their congregation. That they shouldn't be so quick to judge you when they have their own sins condemning them... sins that are forgiven them by Christ's infinite love."

When Josh looked away to his window once more, Daniel stepped even closer. "One last thing, Jocelyn. I know right now you must feel that the pain will never end... that it'll surround you and drown you in it for the rest of your life and beyond, but I want to tell you a story. Once there was a king, and being king he wanted to seem wise no matter what was going on. So he tasked all the wise men of the kingdom to tell him what sage advice he could give to anyone... about anything... at any time... that would always be true. Finally, after months of listening to an endless parade of platitudes and witticisms, the eldest man in the kingdom came to him and offered him just four words..."

Taking Josh's hand in his, he squeezed it and sighed as a tear fell down the man's cheek. "'This too, shall pass.' May God bless you, Jocelyn Ryan."

After the pastor left, Josh felt the wetness soaking his cheek, his pillowcase having become soaked in the tears that had fallen silently from his eyes.

Over the next several days, Josh slowly began to respond to people again. Tracy and David visited him several times, catching him up on the things going on at school and elsewhere. It was the following Sunday when his convalescence was broken by another voice he did not expect to hear.

"Hi." Judy said from his doorway. "Mind some company?"

"No, that's fine, Judy." he said sadly. "I... I didn't think you'd ever speak to me again."

The broken woman slowly made her way into the room. "I... I wasn't going to." she admitted embarrassedly. "I didn't see what good it would do and I... it hurt too much."

Turning away from her, Josh stared out his window. "You must hate me."

"No!" Judy denied as she quickly crossed the room to his bed. "Jocelyn, I could never hate you! Least of all for this!" She sighed and sat in the chair on the opposite side of the bed from the window. "It isn't your fault! The boy that hit you was drunk, doing fifty miles an hour, and ran a red light! He is to blame! Not you! Why would you think I'd hate you?"

Torn apart, Josh couldn't even look at her. "If Grace hadn't been taking me to her house so we could be... alone... together for the first time, we wouldn't have been in the accident that killed her. If she would have just taken me home, we would have turned north a block sooner and never even been there to get hit. It's my fault she's dead! It should have been me that died! Not her!"

Standing up gently, Judy took Josh's hand. "I... I didn't know you two were going to...um..." Swallowing hard, she took a breath. "She loved you Jocelyn, as deeply as I loved Scott. You two made a beautiful couple. Her wanting to... share... that... with you... no matter that it turned out the way it did..." Tears dripped from her drawn and pale cheeks as she tried to console him. "You both deserved to be happy with each other, Jocelyn. I'm just sorry that it had to end... so soon... for you both."

"This too, shall pass." he said, finally understanding the pastor's words. "It's true. Everything ends." Collecting himself, he looked over at Judy. "I'll love Grace for the rest of my life, Judy. I promise."

Moving in close, she embraced Josh and cried harder than she had the night she'd lost her daughter. The two cried together for quite a while until at last Judy let him go and stepped back. "We... ah... we had the services for her last week. I'm sorry you were stuck here, but... if you like, I'll... I'll take you to see her... once you get released."

Nodding and wiping away his tears with the tissue she handed him, Josh looked down at the tissue in his hands, fiddling with it absently. "Thank you, Judy. I... I appreciate that. You don't have to."

"I know." she answered stoically. "I want to. Grace... would want me to."

The following Monday, sixteen days after the horrible night he was admitted, Josh's parents took him home. His extended stay was due to the head injury he suffered, which was also the cause of his seizures.

He knew that he was actually quite lucky to have escaped the accident with as few injuries as he had. He didn't even break a bone. The only lasting effects were his headaches, for which he was prescribed mild pain killers, and trouble sleeping, for which he was prescribed a mild sedative. His doctor had told him that even those should pass within a month, leaving him with no bodily scars to mark the event.

Instead, his scars were much deeper.

Josh didn't go to church the next Sunday as he had somewhere else to be. Instead he was picked up by Judy and driven to the cemetery.

Riding in silence, Josh turned to her as they approached his love's final resting place. "Thank you, Judy."

She didn't reply. She couldn't without breaking out in tears and completely falling apart again. Pulling in and parking, the two got out and wordlessly made their way through the grounds. Josh felt the oppression of his life with every step, his low black heals clacking on the concrete walkway and the black of his skirt and the gray of his silk blouse matching his emotions. When at last they turned off the walkway, Judy's arm around his shoulders, she led him to the freshly dug grave, his love buried six feet beneath the fresh sod and marked by a simple gray stone.

Grace Elaine Wright he read as he came to a stop, the flowers in his hands all but forgotten. November second, nineteen ninety-two to April tenth, two thousand ten. "She Loved Enough to Last A Lifetime" Reading the epitaph, Josh fell to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably, his hands gripping the sod and crushing the grass and some of the flowers he'd brought for her. After a moment, he felt Judy crouch down next to him, holding him and crying alongside him. Once his feelings were spent for the moment, he took a tissue from his purse and dried his eyes, nodding at her.

"I... I'm OK, J...Judy." he choked. "I'll... be alright." Looking back to the gravestone, he turned to her again. "Could... could I have a moment... alone with her? Please?"

Judy sniffed and wiped her own tears away with a nod. "Sure, sweetie. Just... just let me know when you're done, OK?"

While Judy walked a short distance away to give Josh his last farewell, he picked up the remains of the flowers he'd brought and carried them to rest in front of the stone. Kneeling as though in prayer, he laid his hand on the cold marble. "Grace?" he whispered, "I... I don't know if you can hear me, but I need to say it just one more time. I love you! I'll always love you!" Standing up, with tears running down his cheeks, he sighed with a shudder before turning to walk away.