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It's amazing, interesting... idk. Strange, anyway, when you realize that something you haven't thought of since you were much younger... something that happened when you were about 5 years old, has had a profound effect on your personality almost 50 years later (48, but who's counting?).
I've discovered that something that was done to me when I was a child has affected me more than I ever thought... leaving some profound trauma in its wake.
The question becomes, do I bring this into the light, or do I hide it away to protect others whose lives would be affected horribly by the revelation? I think I must do the latter. I believe I'm strong enough to deal with this by not hurting others, while they are much older and not in the greatest health.
Thankfully, my therapist understands my decision, and is able to help me work through it without hurting those who don't deserve to be hurt.
I know I'm not saying much, but I really don't think I need to. I've known that there is ptsd that I'm dealing with for a long time, but where it came from, I wasn't sure. Now I am, and I believe that knowledge gives me some strength in dealing with it.
Comments
Being there...
doing that.
If I'm reading this right, it sounds like those who hurt you are no longer in a position to hurt others, and bringing it up now apart from therapy would indeed risk hurting someone other than them. One thing that was of immeasurable help that you're already aware of was being validated by my therapist. Among many things we talked about was that we as survivors need a 'shared reality;' the idea that someone believes us.
Love you!
Love, Andrea Lena
most definitely
Someone who believes us is of paramount importance. Its also important that those who believe us don't minimize the importance. When something is done to us so young, how does it change our perception of things throughout the rest of our lives?
I still remember something from when I was in the third grade. The class was getting ready to go to lunch. And I was standing in line when I realized I'd forgotten my lunch box, so I ran tonget it, and in my haste, I lifted it up to go above the head of a girl who was partially blocking my way. I misjudged and the box hit her head.
She started crying, and I was marched to the principles office for my misdeed. The principle was convinced that I had intended to hit her, and no amount of my saying it was an accident could convince him otherwise. "I could go out and shoot someone and claim it was an accident." (His words, not mine.)
That experience has affected my trust in people. I know its made me nervous when explaining my side of things. I can't stand debating with people, cause I don't think they'll listen.
Hugs!
Rosemary
The psyches is kind of funny
The psyches is kind of funny in that way. I was severely abused in school at age 6-7. Due my age it all got suppressed from consciousness. But some consequences lingered without a rational explanation until my late 30's. At that time some memories surfaced during therapy for the very messy breakup of my marriage. And I became aware of PTSD in my early 40's. In the last 10 years I have become aware of several more triggers.
As for exposing my abusers: The statute of limitation has long passed, since Paraguay has a maximum of 10 years. Some have passed away, others I can not identify anymore. And others are untouchable because they are prominent and leading members of society.
So a therapist has been vital for my mental health, developing coping mechanism and identifying triggers.
The big question...
Is how would bringing this knowledge public effect you and others. What are the positive effects, what are the negative ones?
If the sum of the effects have no impact then, why bother other than to share it with those you can trust.
If the sum of these effects have a negative impact, (Especially on your life) then personally I would not share them. My reasoning for that is, why should you create a problem in your life where one does not now exist.
I think I can say that most all of us here on BC have skeletons in our closets. Some we have stuffed so far back, hidden from the world so well that we hope to one day forget they exist. While we have other things from our past that we can and do share with like minded friends but still keep from general public knowledge.
It's truly up to you to figure out what to do here, although I would strongly suggest that you not say anything until you are positive of what you want to do.
We the willing, led by the unsure. Have been doing so much with so little for so long,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Nope. I've decided not to
Nope. I've decided not to say anything. There's no reason to make it public at all.
Hugs!
Rosemary