I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

I had wanted to be a girl since I was five years old. I told my parents and was blamed for an endless stream of rows between them.

My father left us when I was ten. My mother blamed me. I couldn’t help what I was. After endless rounds of doctors and psychiatrists they finally let me take puberty blockers on the NHS.

I was thirteen and I had already started male puberty. My shoulders had developed and my voice had dropped. If only they had let me start sooner.

I started presenting as a girl, but we were shunned by our neighbours, and I lost the few friends I had.

“I’m not letting you have anything to do with that sick tranny.” My best friend’s mother told him.

Our house was egged and stones were thrown at our windows. My mother was put on antidepressants. She cried a lot.

The police told us it was best if we asked the council to move us. After a few more weeks of abuse at school and on the streets, we moved twenty miles away.

The new school meant a new start for me. I dreamed of new friends and perhaps even a boyfriend.

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "Come dance with me”

I was never invited to anyone’s house after school. The boys avoided the square jawed gangly girl. I was nicknamed “gorilla girl” by some bright spark.

I was on hormones since sixteen. I had hoped they would make me fill out. I was desperate have breast like the other girls.

I started to get phone calls to my mobile. Someone suspected what I was.
“You’re a freak. We don’t like sicko’s around here. Leave or there will be trouble.”

I couldn’t tell my mother. She was barley functioning now.

And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen

And the rich relationed hometown queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

It was torture for me seeing all the girls in my class chatting to boys, making dates and having fun. I had dreamed of that since I was ten. It had all seemed so easy in my head. Become a girl and I would live a life of love, fun and friendship.

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity

Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen

My mother told me not to do it, but she loved me too much to stop me. Perhaps I would have been better off staying as a boy?

My mother was afraid I would be lonely. That I would never find anyone to love. We had each other, but we barely spoke. We were both so alone, so alone together.

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came

I threw myself into sport, I was one of the best in my class. The school wouldn’t let me represent them in case of scandal. They didn’t want allegations of cheating.

And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
When dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

Now I sit here in my room contemplating the full bottle of aspirin. Thinking about what I thought my life could be, and what it is. At Seventeen .

We all play the game, and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown

They call and say, "Come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

Janis Ian
At Seventeen lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

That was long ago and far away. Now at thirty-five I'm a happy woman with a good job and friends. I think back to seventeen and realize life is tough. Nothing comes free. Some of us have to work hard for our dreams

Inspired by a comment on a story by joannebarbarella.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMUz2TNMvL0