My brother Greg had begun teasing me that I was becoming his sister. It was because after school our Mom insisted I had to practice wearing the clothes and being a girl. He teased that he’d do the outside yard work if I did his chores inside and the dishes.

Mom’s response was, “I’m glad you agree to do more work, but I am not allowing you to stereotype things like that. You along with Lee will help with cleaning the bathrooms and doing laundry. But Lee can do most of the kitchen help.”

She added, “If you tease your brother too much, I can get you a skirt and blouse to wear at home.”

I had tried protesting about how much time I was spending as Lela. My mother and Jane insisted it was necessary if I was going to do well, and wasn’t going to embarrass Aubrey at her wedding.

It was two days later that I found myself in an unusual conversation with my brother. He is two years younger than me and we get along, but we have trouble conversing. I was so sure that he was upset about my acting as Lela, and I thought I understood why he was angry. Mom had gone to our grandparents that day; when he said we need to talk and clear the air.

I was the one now getting angry; I’m the oldest and I don’t like being told by my younger brother when we should talk. So I snapped back, and said, “I’m your big brother you don’t tell me what to do?”

He sat and was shaking; he said, “This is hard enough, please. I want to say thank you, but also explain that I appreciate what you’re doing. Mom has never said anything, but I know I disappointed her when I wasn’t a girl. What you’re doing; should have been me. I wished Dad had taken better care of his diabetes and that they had a sister for us. But that didn’t happen. Dad died and I was supposed to be Grace.

“I’ve teased you and we joked, but I’ve really tried to be nice to you and say I understood, but I didn’t and I don’t know how or what to say. You didn’t tease me a lot when I began to stutter or wet the bed. When some things started getting better, Dr. Brokaw asked if I ever told you thanks or what I thought.”

Greg continued, “I told him you knew I looked up to you, that you wouldn’t understand my issues. The truth was I’ve always been afraid you’d throw things back in my face. I’m thankful that you’re Lela and I’m not Grace. I’m proud of you, but I’ve been afraid to say that around others. There are you happy? Do you want to yell and tell me what kind of a coward your young brother is?”

I was dressed as Lela but I was very present as Lee. I dropped and sat in the chair across from him. I had felt sorry for Mom that one of us wasn’t a girl. But I had no idea that Greg felt guilty or that stuttering or bedwetting had anything to do with how he felt guilty.

He said, “When you and Jane and then Marcy and others became friends. I was angry that I couldn’t do that. There was Stacy next door and other girls at school. You were friends with Neal, Chuck, and others even when they teased you.”

I remembered when Greg was nice to Stacy or other girls and then how mean he would get the next time. It wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do, just more drama and he never changed until he started to like them.

I hugged Greg and it got weird as I was using my voice as Lee, yet looking more like Lela. “Wow Greg, I never would have guessed. You’re the one that things have come easier for as a boy.

“I’m not trying to be a girl, it just seems to happen. I fear that I do like it more than I should.” Suddenly emotions overwhelmed me; I didn’t mean to admit that to Greg. I was now afraid he’d change and use it against me.

“Greg, I didn’t mean to admit that to you. I am glad you shared. I saw you shaking like a leaf; I know it must have been hard… Did you mean what you said to your doctor about looking up to me? Were you afraid I would throw those things back to you? Maybe I did?”

Greg said, “You teased me once and you threw a soiled sheet at me. I expected you were always angry at me though you’d never say it.”

I said, “I got that too much from my friends, Chase and Matt, as well as others. I knew it didn’t help or make sense. If I was a good brother I should have told you that.”

Greg said, “You did apologize and told me a lot of good stuff. But I was sure Mom and Jane made you say that.” He said, “I thought they made you weak.”

I don’t know when we stopped our conversation, or cried and apologized to the other. But it was at least two hours before Mom came home. We planned to make breakfast for supper, but mom brought home pizza.

Greg was the one who started our time together. I saw the sorrow come to my mother’s face. She said, “I thought you worked through that with your counselor. I should have seen it. I love you as you are. Neither of you needs to be a daughter for me. We’re a family as we are.” She hugged Greg with tears filling her eyes. She held him and rocked him, and his smile slowly returned. Being thirteen, it was the first time I remember him hugging her back like this.

I was ready to walk away and leave the moment to them, but Mom grabbed my retreating hand. “No, you don’t, were are not done yet.” I knew to sit and Mom spoke some more to Greg. He stayed, as mom’s attention returned to the two of us.

She turned a little more to me, “Lee, I hope you know beyond a shadow you don’t need to be Lela for me.”

I interrupted, “But it is okay that I do it for Jane and me, as well as for Aubrey’s wedding.” Mom smiled as I continued, “I’m always going to be your oldest son, Lee. But I think Greg and I agree, you don’t mind having a daughter now and then.”

Mom said, “I confess, I’m enjoying these times, but not at the expense of either of you. I want to be the mother and father someday for each of you as a groom. I regret my shortcomings as a parent. Tonight is an eye-opener; I’ll try to listen and be here more for you, but you two as young men you need to confide in me. Your thoughts and feelings are not off-limits because you’re guys, or that you’re too grown-up.”

She turned to my brother, “Greg, you can go. Wait, let’s warm up the pizza, and then I want to talk to your sister alone.”

Mom put the pizza into the oven and each of us went to clean up. I was the last to get back as I had makeup to repair as I cleaned up.

Fortunately, mom had gotten a good pizza and the crust and the pepperoni and sausage still tasted good. Greg was left to clean up the plates and get rid of the pizza box.

Mom takes me into her room where she has a chair as well as her vanity seat. She said, “You and I need to be open about what’s going on; it has to be good for you… I’ve enjoyed our time, but it should be over if you’re just trying to be my daughter.”

I made sure my voice as Lela would be steady, “You can relax. It may have started with Jane setting me up, but I am a willing participant. It seemed like I was the last to realize it wasn’t much of a stretch from being Lee to Lela.” We talked on and she accepted that I’m Lee and that Lela is an enjoyable extension.

She had a package that she had when she came home from my grandparents. She said, “There is a package from your grandmother. If you accept it you should send a thank you to her.”

I asked what it was, and left it to me to find it out for myself, and she left the room. It was in a thin box wrapped in delicate pink paper. I was fairly sure mom had told her mother, but nothing more, i.e. ‘was she accepting, what did she or my grandparents think?’

I unwrapped the paper, though I tore some of the wrappings. On the box, before I opened it, was a note. “Lela do not be embarrassed but know we are happy for you. You are encouraged to wear it after the wedding rehearsal, and before the wedding. Dreams are for embracing. Love, Henry & Elizabeth Willes”

I opened the box to find a beautiful satin and lace camisole with girl’s boxer briefs. Another time I might have laughed or been embarrassed, but I received it as intended as a granddaughter, coming of age.

I was hearing more from Aubrey as well as Jane, and then we were to meet with her and Serena, her maid of honor, for a luncheon.

School had been going fine; Greg’s respect and attitude helped. I was feeling better about myself. Wearing one of my dress shirts with a sports coat over a pair of Lela’s jeans was received with the humor I intended. I wore a camisole underneath that became evident during the afternoon heat. I had taken off my coat and left it in my locker. Jane, Marcy, Sonja, and Toni rallied around me. Ms. Dross, my literature teacher, complimented me, “This makes a nice picture of one embracing oneself. I am pleased with your casual attire.”

It was a month before the wedding when Jane and I met with Aubrey and Serena. We were at a restaurant near the church where the wedding was to be held. Aubrey and Serena were wanting to know about my comfort in getting ready with them before the wedding. It was more of a two-way discussion on how comfortable we would be with one another. Jane and Aubrey’s Aunt Eliza lived close by and made her place available for us to change from our everyday clothes to evening dresses for a night out.

Eliza had a room with chairs about the size of the space we’d be using. I kind of sucked in the air when Aubrey and Serena first started to undress. Instead of acting away startled I turned and began to undress as well. Aubrey was down to her panties and bra, with a changing robe that hid little. She sat at a chair doing her makeup when she turned to me and called my name. “Hmm, Lela, Jane had indicated you have begun to blossom.”

It was seeing Aubrey’s acceptance that I smiled. I was thankful for the time and experience. Seeing two women just years older and in the glory of their beauty was like seeing living pieces of art.

When Jane revealed the nice dress I bought at Express Unlimited; I realized more was coming. We were to meet up with the groom, the best man, and two groomsmen. Aubrey said, “We wanted to take away the personal surprises that would have otherwise come on the day of the wedding. We will be out with the men for an experience similar to the wedding and reception.”

And I asked, “And what if I don’t pass?”

Aubrey said, “I think being here with Serena and me, as we got ready was as challenging as anything. I am not looking for someone perfect but comfortable being herself. I am impressed like I was sure I would be. That this experience will be behind us; will allow us to relax and enjoy the wedding day that much more.”

She was right, stepping into my dress because of her and others was helpful. I felt comfortable asking for help as I was in giving it. Serena smiled, “This makes the bra fitting seem like a breeze, doesn’t it?” One of my bras bought then was what I was now wearing. I’m certain Jane and Serena knew.

I was handed a new pair of dangling earrings, I surmised they were to give me an experience similar to the wedding day. Aubrey’s Fiancé Bradley Hanson was soon there along with the best man and two groomsmen. Jane would be with Arlen and I was matched with Alex.

Who I am as Lela/Lee would not be part of the conversation come wedding day, nor was it part of the conversation now.

Aunt Eliza had given me a pill and water to drink it down early in the afternoon. I was reasonably comfortable that my body would not give me problems. It did not stop my mind from knowing or sizing up Alex. Even with heels, I was inches shorter. His hands and features are more mature than my own. He was fit, but I wasn’t sure if he was an athlete.

Soon I knew that Alex was a cousin to Aubrey and Jane, and then Alex’s name became familiar to her cousin Alexander. Alex was two years older than Jane and possibly bi-sexual. He casually mentioned that he was on a short leash and to be on good behavior for the evening.

During a slow dance, he openly said to me, “Come the wedding reception some girls, and maybe a guy will be looking to see your reaction to me.”

I said, “I’m not looking for a boyfriend nor any romance.” He joked that he wasn’t looking for a boyfriend either.

When I was riding home later with Jane and Aubrey; I confessed, “I don’t think Alex will be any problem for me. But I could be interested in dancing with a guy if other emotions weren’t involved.”

Jane asked, “How about Chase Thatcher, he’ll be there?” She noticed I didn’t say anything…

To be continued…