It ended up that there was a reason Mrs. Johnson pushed for May fifteenth as the fundraiser date. It was Saturday night after Mother’s Day and Monique’s eighteenth birthday. She was then allowed to sing in a club that served alcohol.

I had permission to go to school as Marti as it is helpful to be in character as a girl the day I sing. Jonathan Masters decided to be my self-appointed bodyguard. Which I didn’t think was necessary until his cousin Mack Masters got in my face and told me, “The school doesn’t need a sissy boy representing us.”

I heard he intended to give me a black eye and stop me from singing. He had mouthed off before and that was how Jon came to know a bodyguard was a wise choice. They didn’t need to fight as Jon informed Mac that he, Mack, didn’t want to get suspended and miss taking finals.

The night was a hoot at the Rendezvous; they had a patio that also filled with patrons. The Club donated the proceeds of the food and beverages they sold, along with half the cover charge. Donations alone raised over ten thousand dollars, putting the proceeds for the defibrillator over the top. The president of the ambulance service gratefully accepted the donation as well as a check for an additional five thousand dollars from Ms. Hammer the owner of the club. I had sung as Carrie, Taylor, and Kelly Clarkson. Hope and Jalyn from the salon helped Monique as well as me behind the scenes.

Our program was over before eleven but most of us stayed until midnight. Randy who tried impersonating Elton John had done much better than he had at the variety show. However, he and his friends did much better as their own band. Monique continued with her trained voice to wow the audience, but also added more lively music to her repertoire. We reprised our singing as a duet. She had wanted me to sing as Matt but had discarded that idea the first time I sang as Matt in practice.

Essie was going to be in the aerospace engineering program and I was going to be in environmental engineering. We thought we might be in a couple of our general studies or introductory classes at the university but the closest we got was passing each other or walking in the general direction once a week.

I began singing the third week of September and singing every Wednesday evening beginning in late October. Between practicing, singing on Wednesdays along with my studies, I found a need to work out to stay in shape. By late October I was also dressing as Marti on Wednesdays into Thursdays. I did aerobics on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays and running or weights on at least two other days. That others didn’t care or notice blew my mind at first, but it helped my appearance when I sang.

Come Thanksgiving, I decided to stay on campus, I had no idea that it would be that dead. Foreign students made up the majority who were left on campus. Two African students wanted me to sing with them. I did have two gigs: one on Friday and Saturday evening. Friday night, I got a reminder that not everyone was crazy with crossdressers. One person was angry that I was slow in professing to be more than a crossdresser. He said, “You’re only fooling yourself, not acknowledging you’re gay. Or is it that you’re not wanting to admit it in public that you’d like to go out with the likes of me?”

When I said, “I don’t agree and I don’t want to be with you.”

He said, “Let’s see how this looks with makeup…” and he punched me in the eye sending me to the floor. Someone else came over to help me. The guy walked away and out of the build, but the damage was done. Layla one of those to help me, got some ice in a plastic bag and then sat with me. No one confessed to knowing the person who hit me. I took my time thankful for those around me. I sat at Layla’s table and got to know more of the regulars who came to such events.

Saturday I went to one of the makeup counters in the department stores. There was a cosmetician who helped me to find a good concealer and makeup to diminish the unsightly sight of my eye. She was amused to find out that I am a boy as I had dressed as Marti. Tiff, as she called herself, said she might come to hear and see me sing.

I had some pain in my cheekbone, and as the day progressed a bit of a headache. Layla called me and upon hearing I was still hurt she said, “Don’t worry most of the people will understand after last night if you don’t sing. You need to know, being one of us means you don’t have to be like anyone else or someone else’s expectations. I don’t know what it’s like being a crossdresser, but I look forward to being your fan. I’ll see you another night if you so choose.”

I gave myself until 5:00 to decide what I’d do. The bruising was somewhat worse, though the swelling had gone down. I had a little red in the corner of my eye but it wasn’t affecting my vision thankfully.

I decided tonight I’d introduce some songs from a larger number of female singers. One professor suggested I go back to singers from the sixties or seventies and for tonight I chose Karen Carpenter singing ‘Close to You’. I was delighted as people knew of her and liked her sound. For my closer I went back to Carrie Underwood for a three-song set, ending with ‘Love Wins’. There were a comedian and one singer to follow me which gave me time to sit with Layla and others to enjoy the evening.

It was the first Wednesday of December when Essie stopped over to my room. She was visibly shaken when she asked how come I had not called to let her know when I was attacked. It became an emotional time and I was still in girl mode, having sung. That did not stop Essie from leaning into me as we got caught in the passion of the moment.

Where Essie had first made out in September this was not only as Matt but Marti as well. I was stunned when she said she had a play toy where she could go into me if I wanted?

I wanted but I wasn’t sure about admitting that to her. After we had made out; she asked me to lay back. She had me turn over and lubed my butt. I tried to get up but she pushed me back down and asked me to allow her to do this for me.

“You have to admit it you reacted more to than you imagined,” she said afterward.

I had gone to group meetings but it was with friends like Layla, Essie, and others that I opened up more. Layla was the most consistent in reminding me I was on a journey and not to make out any one time more than a good and enjoyable time into a learning moment.

Layla and I had our last final exam at the same time and we both chose to wait until morning to head out in our different directions. She showed up at my housing suite around 7:00 with a bottle of wine, cheese, and bread. She even asked me if I’d dress down that she was wanting to be with Marti if I was comfortable.

It meant letting down my hair and combing it out; she was not worried about makeup more than some with my eyes and lips. She warned me that she had a thing for other women’s nipples however small or large they might be.

The evening was nice; it was as she put it more sensual than romantic. Most of the evening was mutual despite her often taking the lead because she was used to it. I liked it that way because I felt I was on the receiving end more.

Though we had fallen asleep at least once we woke up when one of us had an urge to make out some more. Come morning she said, “I can speak more from my advantage point, but if you’re more than a crossdresser; I would say you might be transgender. Then again, if I were a guy the perspective might see it differently.” She showered, got dressed, and left after we had a roll and some fancy coffee.

I would be home nine days before Christmas, and the first day of the next semester would be January 13. My grades showed a good recovery as I would ultimately find out I finished with just over a 3.0 average.

My car is not great but it does have good tires for winter traffic. Getting home took a half-hour longer than expected. I had a little more clothes than my mother expected with seven more dresses and outfits included in that count.

I was greeted warmly by everyone, including Grandma who was over. Darby and my mother seemed to notice more. Mom followed me up to my room, and Darby came through our shared bathroom. Darby helped by hanging up my girl's clothes and mom sat across from me, asking, “Do you have something to tell me?”

I avoided the obvious and asked, “Are you talking about my singing in Boston on December 29, 30, and 31?” Though that was news to her and Darby; it was not what she wanted to know.

“A little bird told me that you had trouble over your Thanksgiving weekend.” I continued her frustration telling her about making a new friend in Layla and widening my repertoire of songs and singers.

Finally, I admitted to getting sucker punched and hurt. I thought it was Essie who had told. Mom said she knew before Essie did. She has not yet told me how she knew, claiming a mom’s sources need not be made public.

She asked if being in the LGBT community accessed me to special medications as she thought my complexion was softer. I initially gave credit to my increased skin care regimen.

Mom was pleased that I did take proper care of myself and happy that I didn’t let the negative crap get the better of me. The three of us did get into the larger discussion of my being a crossdresser. “Do you find that expanding in any way?”

I knew at that point my mom was on a fishing exhibition to find out if I was considering the possibilities of my being gay or transgender. It was at that point, I took the initiative and talked about discussions I had with Essie, Layla, and some in my smaller LGBT group at the university.

It led to a late-night discussion with Darby and more talk over the following days including talking with Dad and Grandma. Come Wednesday, I decided to dress as Marti and had agreed to sing at the Library Pub in the neighboring city. When Grandma asked if she could go too. “I went there when it was the Library Tea Cafe.” Though I didn’t think so, I agreed to take her at 7:00 if Mom or Dad would come by 9 p.m. I was sure it would be enough for her by then.

I was surprised shortly after we arrived; the bartender came and said, “Good evening Mademoiselle, it is good to see you again.” Joc’ indeed was the owner, the son of the original owner. But at twelve years old, he had first come to know grandma and her friends. He and grandma handled many of the books she had read, even some she had left for others. “Madame Marti it is nice to see you will keep the tradition of singing here.”

I asked, “And what tradition is that?”

Joc’ said, “First it was Mademoiselle Cynthia and her friends that would sing here as a trio; she sang a soloist at times. Then five years after she graduated, she came back with little Constance. Is Connie your mother?” He smiled back at Grandma, “She has a beautiful voice. I miss when she would sing at her church or in the community. She was no plain Jane or run of the mill singer.”

I looked to Grandma wondering why I didn’t know? “You didn’t hear me, because by the time you were nine you made it known to your mother that you were sick of my singing. Your parents moved and that was that.”

“Grandma that was ten years ago, you know boys can say things they don’t really mean?”

Grandma said, “You mean like last year? …Oh, I didn’t mean to say it, but I was hurt like you were. What a difference a year makes? Here I am celebrating your beautiful skill and talents.”

Grandma hugs me and tells me I need to finish getting myself ready.

Joc’ had brought Grandma a special tea and an additional pot. And I went in the back to line up my songs with the music backup. There are some female voices that I do were going from one voice to another that's more difficult and there are a few I will only do a break in between.

I thought Grandma might be familiar with Karen Carpenter so I use “Close to You” in my first set. There were a good number of white hair and little to no-hair people in the audience so near the end of the set I ask Grandma up with me and invited others to sing “We’ve Only Just Begun”. I was glad I asked my grandmother forward as she and others knew the song better than I did.

Mom had come to pick up Grandmother but they both ended up staying. I was glad, come 9:30 the crowd changed over as I was ready to begin my second set. This set for the location I chose in mingle in Carol King’s songs from her Tapestry album, along with Carrie and Taylor. I got requests for their Christmas music, both religious and popular. I did alternating songs of Swift and Underwood. King’s So Far Away and You’ve Got a Friend went well with being in the Library Pub.

The crowd, which I’m told usually hangs around thirty to forty, was fifty to seventy and by the third set got up near to one hundred. Mom and grandma had left sometime after the second set. Joc’ delivered a note complimenting me on my singing. “Don’t let how you’re doing to your head. I stopped singing here thinking I arrived. I think in so many ways you’re on a journey. Love, Grandma”

As the nature of places like this, there was the interaction between me the singer, and the audience. I got several offers from women wanting to dress me up and three requests to go out, two from women. During the evening I was open in stating I wasn’t sure if I was just a crossdresser anymore. My third performance ended near midnight but I stayed until after one. Three college-age women: Bridgette, Lavender, and Julie, and I went out after that.

I initially hoped to get somewhere with Bridgette but found myself talking to them as Marti. Bridgette was open to going with me someplace if I’d continue our time as Marti. I decided it was time for me to find someone to help me to find myself.

Essie and I went out twice while we were home, but the relationship had changed.

I checked with a specialist here at home, and she agreed that I should find and work with a specialist at Syracuse as well. She was able to squeeze me in once before Christmas and we scheduled two appoints before I get back to Syracuse as well. I met with Ph.D. Cynthia my Psychologist. Both helped me to make good strides in going forward.

I knew it hurt my mother and some others initially that I wasn’t confiding in them like I had been but I knew they needed to get used to it. Mom and others became more comfortable when I didn’t shut them out of my regular life.

A spring break job led me to the opportunity to sing and MC on a cruise ship during the summer. Which is what I’m doing now. Heidi my cabin mate, has no trouble with me being a transgender person who sees herself as a man now and then…

My life doesn’t end, but it is finished here for now...