Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

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Reaching the stairs and ascending, Erica recalled the first time she'd done so, scared and alone. Now as she went up them, she felt only the fear, this time that Faith was beyond reach. That of all the people she'd helped over the years, the one who needed it the most would be the one who she could help the least. Slowly walking down the all too familiar hallway, she reached the door to their once shared room. Knocking gently, she waited.

"Go away!" Faith shouted, not caring who was at the door.

Trying to open it, Erica found it locked. She sighed and turned her back to the door, leaning against it and sliding down until she was seated against it. "Faith? Please? Let me in. I... I need to talk to you. Don't make me do it through a door."

Sitting on her bed, Faith's legs were drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. Tears soaked her face as she looked up toward the door. "Go away, Erica! I don't want to talk to you!"

Closing her eyes, Erica held back the hurt. Becoming more determined, she lowered her tone. "Faith... I'm not leaving. I'm going to sit out here until you open the door so we can talk. And you know how stubborn I can be!"

Rolling her eyes, Faith remembered how Erica used to stubbornly insist on doing her own schoolwork, even when it took her hours longer and she'd offered to let her copy from her papers. The memory made her laugh, not because it was funny, but because it seemed so innocent and stupid now. Rolling off her bed, she padded over to the door and turned the lock, returning to her bed without a word.

Rising, Erica opened the door and stepped inside. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, seeing that the room had changed so much it was unrecognizable. Gone were the toys, extra wardrobes, and their once-shared canopy bed. In their place were all new modern furniture and a disorganized assortment of books, clothes, and junk. It was as though the Faith she had known growing up had vanished and a stranger had taken her place. She slowly walked around the bed, looking at her cousin with concern and affection that only they two could understand. Taking a seat on what used to be her side of the bed, Erica half turned toward her. "I... I still love you."

Faith couldn't stand it. She began to sob into her knees. "How... how can you say that to me! How can you even look at me! I'm a disgusting perv that should be locked up!"

Climbing all the way up on the bed, Erica walked on her knees over to Faith, touching her shoulders from behind.

"Don't touch me!" Faith shouted, throwing off her cousin's arms with a shrug.

Determined, Erica grabbed her from behind and wrapped her arms around Faith's waist. Feeling her try to pull away, Erica locked her arms and grabbed her own elbows. "I won't, Faith! I won't let you chase me away!"

Panicking, Faith started to thrash, twisting and turning, trying to get Erica to release her. "No! Let go of me! Damn it Erica! Let me go!" She pushed down on Erica's locked arms, trying to force them apart. When that failed she started beating them with her fists. "Let! Me! Go!"

"No!" she shouted back. Erica held on for dear life and rested her head against Faith's back. Enduring the pain Faith was inflicting on both her arms and her heart, she held fast. "I'm not letting you go, Faith! Ever! Now stop it, damn it! You're hurting me!"

"Then let go!" she growled. Trying once more to force Erica's arms off of her, she pushed down on her cousin's hands, making them slip off her elbows. When Erica tried to re-fasten the grip, Faith grabbed Erica's wrists and pulled them out from around her.

Seeing that she was about to lose her grip, Erica reversed and grabbed Faith's wrists instead. Having been taught wrestling in school, she used it to her advantage and pulled Faith off balance, making the both of them tumble backwards onto the bed. Rolling over, Erica leapt on Faith's prone form and pinned her hands to either side of her head. Her skirt strained as she straddled her cousin and put her entire weight down on Faith's stomach. "Are you done now, Faith?" she asked.

"Get off of me!" Faith yelled. "Damn you! Get off me, Eric!"

Her cousin refused to budge. "No! And I don't care what names you call me! You're going to sit there and you're going to listen!"

Faith stopped struggling, seeing determined authority in Erica's beautiful green eyes. She half smiled and changed tactics, moving sensuously under her cousin, wrapping her legs around Erica's calves. "Well, we could always just not talk!" she purred.

She shook her head resolutely and lowered her tone to a hush. "That won't work either, Faith."

Desperately caught between hating that Erica had her immobilized and loving the fact that their bodies were pressed so close together, Faith started to cry. "Please, Erica! Please don't torture me like this!"

Erica lightened her grip slightly. "Will you talk to me?" Seeing a nod from her she added, "Promise?" When Faith just nodded, she shook her head. "No, you have to actually promise! Like we used to!"

Rolling her eyes, she relented. "Fine! I swear I'll talk to you! Alright?" The moment Erica started to release her, she quickly turned the tables and flipped her cousin over on her back. Now pinning Erica in place, Faith glared down at her. "So let's talk." She slid her body up and down Erica's in a slow undulating release of her long held passion. "Are you sleeping with her?"

Trying to dislodge Faith, she knew it was futile. Faith may not have taken wrestling, but she was a fast learner and Erica had just shown her how to pin someone so they were incapable of escape; especially on the soft mattress that gave no good leverage to push off against. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your girlfriend." Faith spat back. "Your precious April!"

Sighing and laying her head back, Erica looked up at the ceiling. "No, we aren't sleeping together. We're not even really dating, just... seeing where it goes! Now will you let me up?"

"No!" Faith shook her head. "Do you love her?"

She looked up in Faith's eyes. Knowing that lying would be a waste of time, she nodded. "Yes. I've always loved her. You know that."

Her breath only now starting to slow, Faith lowered her voice to a whisper. "Do you still love me? The way you love her?"

Closing her eyes, Erica held her breath. Letting it all out at once she uttered one fateful word in a whisper. "Yes."

"Then be with me! Here! Now! There's no law against it!" Faith pleaded. "I love you!" She started to lower her face toward Erica's, but stopped just short of kissing her. "I... I can't!" she cried. Rolling over and releasing her cousin, Faith covered her crying eyes with one hand while the other beat helplessly against the mattress. "Oh God, Erica! I want you so bad... but I... I just can't! I can't make you give up everything... the family, your life, April... just for me! Because I know you, and you would, wouldn't you?"

Erica quickly moved and pulled Faith up into her arms. Her cousin clung to her and poured her soul out on Erica's shoulder while she rocked Faith, held her, and just listened.

"I wish you'd never come back!" she cried. "I... I wish you'd just been Eric so I wouldn't love you! I wish... oh, God! I wish I didn't feel like this! I wish I could go back and change it! I wish Mamma hadn't sent you away!"

Faith cried on her shoulder while Erica just sat silently and waited. When at last her cousin's tears were spent, Erica pulled her away and looked Faith in her eyes. "I know. I know just how bad this hurts. You're still the only girl who's ever kissed me because I... I wouldn't let anyone else."

A shocked expression crossed Faith's countenance as she looked in Erica's eyes and saw how tortured she was, nearly sending her back to tears. "Oh, Erica! You... you never...?"

Slowly Erica shook her head, her colored curls bouncing lightly. "I had the opportunity, but..." She looked down at her lap. "...and then I just tried hating you. Hating you for loving me. For making me feel guilty for wanting love." She looked back up at Faith's horrified eyes. "But I couldn't. I could no more hate you for loving me than I could hate Mamma for sending me away. It's what had to be, Faith!"

Faith just backed away. "How can you not hate her for what she did? She abandoned you! She tore this family apart! It's been hell here without you!" She told her of all the hurt and anguish since her leaving; about Brooke and Jenny, Mike and Jennifer, and the hopeless atmosphere of Hargrave House. "So how can you sit there and tell me that what she did was for the best?"

Looking away, Erica tried to explain. "Faith, if Mamma had let me stay, she would have had to put me on hormones."

"What's so terrible about that?" Faith scoffed. "You're on them now, aren't you? What difference does it make?"

"Yes, but if she'd have done it then I never would have been able to have children. Now I have that option and I still get to be me! Don't you see? She took on all the responsibility of doing the hard thing, making the hard choice for the right reasons, and she did it for me... for my benefit. She let everyone hate her and think the worst of her so I could have a happier life! She sacrificed everything for me! Even her own happiness!"

Pausing she allowed the thought to sink in. "I know what people have been saying about her. That she got rid of me. That she saw me as a burden and resented having to take care of the 'poor orphan girl' who came to stay with her. Have you even once heard her deny it? She let everyone think the worst of her so they wouldn't think the worst of me!"

"So maybe she was right!" Faith shouted. "But was it worth it? Was it worth all the pain and suffering she caused just so you can maybe have kids?"

"It's more than that." Erica explained. She paced Faith's floor while telling her of the books she had written and the thousands of letters sent by people saying how their lives had been made better from them. Finally sitting on the bed once more, she turned to her cousin. "None of that would have been possible if I'd stayed here! So it's not just about me being able to have kids someday, Faith. It had to be this way! It's the way it was meant to be!"

Sniffing, Faith asked, "So... what... you went to a sperm bank or something?"

She tried to suppress it, but the giggle came out anyway. "Out of all that, that's your takeaway?"

The two stared at each other and both started to giggle like they were pre-teens all over again. Faith covered her face. "Oh, God! I can just see the look on the doctor's face when you went in to make a deposit instead of a withdrawal! Looking like that!"

Erica lost her balance and rolled onto her side laughing. Gathering her wits, she shook her head. "No! I didn't look like this, yet! I... had changed my name already though, which caused a bit of confusion!"

Suddenly Faith stopped laughing. "You mean, you looked like..." Erica simply nodded. "Oh, and you... so did you have surgery or something?"

"Something like that." she explained. "Cost me a lot, but I like the results! What do you think?" Erica spread her arms out as if to show herself off.

Looking up and down Erica's body, she could see nothing that would give away that the woman before her was anything but a natural born woman. Her hips and thighs were shapely, her legs smooth and sexy, a narrow waist tapering up to C-cup breasts, thin and delicate arms, a beautiful complexion, perfect teeth, nicely rounded jaw line, no Adam's Apple, and a voice like a songbird. "I think you're breathtakingly beautiful, just like you always were." she said eventually, her breath starting to grow ragged with desire.

Starting to move toward Erica, she stopped. Though her cousin showed no sign that she would stop her, Faith knew she had to stop herself. Looking away, she could only apologize. "I... Sorry, Erica. I didn't mean... I let myself get carried away. I'll try not to let it happen again." Clearing her throat, she made herself look back at Erica. "You do look beautiful, though." Laughing gently she added, "If Mike could only see you now! He'd flip!"

Erica rolled her eyes. "Oh, God! Mike! Ah swear, Ah thin' even if he'd a known, he'd still be wantin' me ta' be his Mot! I feel so bad for him though. Jennifer really did a number on him, huh?"

"I'm surprised he didn't leave for the city." Faith nodded. "A lot of the kids we knew back then did."

Their conversation stalling for a moment, the two just looked at each other. Eventually Erica broke the quiet. "You look good, by the way."

Smiling shyly, Faith shook her head. "In a baggy sweatshirt and yoga pants? I look like I'm pushing thirty!"

"No!" Erica denied. Waiting a moment she quipped, "Twenty-five tops!"

"Oh, yeah?" Faith shot back with a smile. She picked up a pillow and bopped Erica on the head with it.

"Oh... you've done it now, girl!" Erica grinned. Grabbing another pillow, she swung and missed.

Squaring off against Faith like they did her first day, each one looked for an opportunity to attack. Faith jumped off the back of the bed, shifting her weight back and forth between her feet. "Come on! Is that the best you got?"

Climbing down, Erica was careful never to break eye contact. "Oh, I've got lots more where that came from!" Moving sideways across the floor, the two circling each other, she waited until Faith was between herself and the bed. When Faith swung her pillow out to try and tag her, Erica ducked under it and moved in. Using her pillow like a battering ram, she pushed Faith back onto the foot of the bed, letting the pillow loose to free her hands. She was about to tickle her when she heard Faith stop laughing and gasp. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Faith had a wild look in her eyes. Her breath became ragged and her chest heaved with need. Looking up at Erica once more on top of her, she saw the concern in her eyes change to understanding, then desire, and finally guilt.

Starting to push herself up, Faith grabbed Erica's arms and held her in place. "Tell me you don't want me just as badly!"

Held fast, Erica closed her eyes. Opening them with a sincere and desperate look in them, she answered honestly. "Of course I do, Faith. But then what?"

Not ready to give up, Faith released her and watched as Erica backed away from the bed as though it would swallow her. "I could tell then... and I can tell now... you want me just as badly as I want you!"

Erica turned away and crossed her arms, holding herself. "I know! I admit it! I do!" She was near to tears at the thought of hurting either Faith or April, but she knew whichever course she chose, one of them would suffer. Turning to face Faith, she was surprised when she was no longer on the bed and was now standing less than a foot in front of her.

"Are you going to make me choose, Faith? Between you and April? Between you and Mamma? You know she wouldn't stand for it! She'd throw us both out and never speak to either of us again! What then? You go back with me to Concord? We can't get married there! Even if we went somewhere where it's legal, New Hampshire won't recognize it! We can't have children! Is that what you want, Faith? Half a life? Scandal? My business ruined? I'd end up resenting you for..." Her argument was interrupted by Faith's lips.

She had simply stepped forward and kissed Erica. She didn't even need to grab her. Within a second, Faith's right hand was behind Erica's head caressing the nape of her neck as her left drifted down her love's back to gently caress her rear. Erica's hands moved to Faith's hips, pulling the two of them tightly together. Their kiss opened as Faith parted her lips and gently let her tongue slip along Erica's teeth.

They stood together like that for several minutes, touching groping, kissing, and loving. Finally, Faith pulled away and stepped back to sit on the foot of her bed, leaving Erica standing alone. Looking down at the floor, Faith stammered, "I... I'm sorry. I just... I guess I just needed to know that I took the chance... that I knew... that..."

Moving quickly, Erica swept Faith into her arms, kissing her as she lifted her up off the bed. Once more they made out with reckless abandon, Erica kissing Faith all over her face, then down her neck. She held Erica's head against her, deeply inhaling the scent of her.

"Oh God, Erica! Please!" Feeling Erica's kisses slowing and moving lower toward her collar and forward toward her breasts, Faith gathered every shred of self-control she had and pushed Erica away. "No... I... I can't let you do this!"

The two teenagers looked into each other's fiery eyes, each seeing the passion for the other, but this time it was Faith who looked away.

Erica dropped to the floor on her knees. "So what is it then? You just wanted to make me admit I want you just as badly? And now that I have, you want to break my heart as much as yours has been broken? Is that it?"

Rolling over on her bed, Faith cried. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Sobbing for a time, she finally looked up to see Erica sitting on the floor with her legs tucked to the side of her. She had a vacant look on her face, like she had become catatonic once more. "Erica? You alright?"

Looking down at the floor she sat on, guilt washed over Erica like a tidal wave. "I... I think it would be best if we don't spend any time alone with each other. I... I can't trust myself."

Nodding, Faith agreed. "You're right." Wiping her eyes, then her lips and neck, she stood and went into her bathroom, cleaning herself up of any evidence of their passionate embrace. When she came out, she saw Erica still sitting in the same spot, not moving. Going over to her, she grabbed Erica's hands and made her stand up. "Come on, Erica! Get up!" When her cousin finally got her legs under her, Faith started leading her to the bathroom, grabbing Erica's purse on the way. "Come on, sweetie! Pull yourself together."

While Erica stood in front of the mirror, her makeup smeared by their necking, she looked at Faith in the mirror. "I would have let you have me." she said, finally looking down into her purse for her compact and lipstick. "I still would. Even now."

"I know." Faith nodded. "That's why I made us stop."

Taking a cleansing breath, Erica looked back at her reflection. "I... I understand. I think." She started to fix her makeup to leave no trace of their make-out session.

Faith looked down as Erica worked. "I just couldn't let you throw away your life... even if it meant I could finally... Oh, God! Life really isn't fair, is it?" Looking up to see a simple shake of the head from Erica, Faith walked up behind her and rested her head on Erica's right shoulder, her hands snaking around her cousin's waist in a not-so-platonic hug. It was intimate enough that Faith felt her cousin shiver with excitement, so she backed off again.

Once Erica was done to her own satisfaction, she turned and looked at Faith. Walking up to her, she took both of Faith's hands in hers, squeezed them, then kissed Faith on the cheek, slow and loving.

"Why'd you do that?" Faith asked, her hand moving to her cheek.

"Because you needed it." Erica replied sweetly. Taking Faith by the hand, she led her out of the bathroom to sit once more on Faith's bed. "Are we OK now?" she asked after a pensive moment.

"I think so." Faith sighed. "May I ask you some things? I mean, if anything makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to answer, but... I guess I just want to know some things before I'll be OK with everything. Alright?"

"I'm an open book to you, Faith." Erica agreed. "Ask away."

Getting a mischievous grin, Faith asked, "Are those real?" glancing down at Erica's chest.

Laughing, Erica quipped, "No! They're an illusion! I just use the right makeup and it only looks like I have a C cup!"

"Very funny!" Faith rolled her eyes in response. "I mean, did you have..."

"Uh-huh." Erica admitted. "I probably should have waited for some natural breast growth, but I just couldn't wait! Call it vanity if you like, but I'll get a reduction later as I grow in naturally."

"You better, or those puppies will be killing your back when you're forty!"

The two laughed earnestly before Faith moved to another question. "So anything else? Face? Lipo?" She glanced at Erica's skirt. "Down there?" Looking at Erica she grinned lustily and waggled her eyebrows.

Erica shook her head and laughed. "You're terrible! Face, yes... plus voice surgery... no lipo... and 'down there' has to wait a year. Most any reputable SRS surgeon won't do it until I've lived for at least a year as a woman."

"You lived a year as a girl here, didn't you?"

"Doesn't count." Erica noted. "It has to be a year under supervision as an adult. Oh, I could go to Thailand and get it done now, but I'm in no hurry." Looking over at her cousin, she tilted her head curiously. "Why?"

"Just fodder for fantasy, love." Faith admitted. "If I can't have you for real, I at least want to imagine you right when I'm..."

Blushing and turning away, Erica sighed. "Faith! I don't need to know that!"

"You asked!" Faith pointed out.

"Fair enough..." she admitted, "...but please, it's hard enough to control myself as it is without thinking of you..."

"...masturbating while thinking of you?" Faith finished her unspoken sentence seductively. "Honey, I've been doing that since I could!"

Erica took a deep breath again. "OK... so there's that. Anything else?"

Thinking for a moment she asked, "Have you ever... done the same thing? I mean, thought about me?"

Guiltily, Erica nodded. "A lot, actually. Probably more than I should have!"

"Is there a healthy amount of sexual fantasy to have about your cousin?"

"If there is, I bet Mamma would know!" Erica quipped. "But I sure won't be the one to ask her!"

"That's another thing." Faith noted. "Why are you calling her Mamma now instead of 'Aunt Heather'?"

Closing her eyes, Erica recounted the day she left. "From that moment on, she wasn't 'Aunt Heather' anymore. She was just 'Mamma'." Looking over at Faith she admitted, "I used to be so jealous of you! You were beautiful, happy..." Pausing a moment, she finally said the words. "...and a real girl with a real mother who was alive and not a figment of your imagination."

Standing up, Faith walked a distance away, her back to Erica and her hands in her back pockets. "I wasn't a very good daughter to her after she made you leave. I hated her so much for that! I don't know that I can fix the damage."

Rising and moving to Faith, Erica rested a hand lightly on Faith's shoulder. "You can! You know Mamma! She'll always forgive you!"

Shuddering at Erica's touch, she reached up and put her hand over Erica's, trapping it in place. She wanted to say something, and almost did, her mouth opening to speak, but knew no good would come of it, so she patted Erica's hand and slipped free of her touch. Walking over to her vanity chair, she sat and lowered her head.

Reaching a hand toward her, Erica smiled. "Come on. Let's go downstairs and talk it out."

Faith shook her head. "I... I can't face them. Not after admitting that I... I..."

"...that you love me?" Erica finished for her. "You said it yourself, it was hardly a secret." Moving closer, Erica still held her hand out. "Come on. You can't stay up here forever and there's no time like the present, right?"

Looking up at her smiling and devastatingly sexy cousin, Faith managed a false smile and took the offered hand. "I guess it's time to pay the piper." she said as she stood up.

Pulling Faith up into her arms, Erica held her warmly, affectionately, and longer than would be considered appropriate. Pulling back slightly, she looked into Faith's eyes. "One more for the road?" she offered, her smile genuine, warm, and inviting.

Leaning forward, desperate to feel Erica's lips on her own once more, Faith stopped herself. "I... I want to so much, but... if we did... I wouldn't be able to stop myself from wanting more, a lot more."

Sighing, Erica closed her eyes and looked down and away as she pulled back. "You're right. I guess I need to learn to check myself." Looking back to Faith, Erica asked, "Before we go down, can I ask what you think of April? I always wanted you to get to know her."

"She seems... nice." Faith lied. Really she hated the girl for being what she perceived as the biggest obstacle standing between her and Erica. She was certain that if April had never come back into Erica's life, she would have succumbed to their earlier passions and by now the two of them would have been basking in the afterglow of carnal bliss. She just couldn't ever tell Erica that.

Almost as though she could read Faith's mind, Erica laughed. "You know, if it wasn't for April coming into my life, I never would have come back."

Cocking her head in her typical way, Faith was surprised. "Really? Why?"

"April was the one that convinced me I needed to come back, that I had to see you all again and let you know that I was OK... and tell you all what you mean to me..." She paused and turned to look into Faith's eyes. "...and how much I love you."

Her cousin's eyes widened as she finally understood. "Did... did you tell April about... um... us? About 'the kiss' and my crush on you?"

Looking down, Erica nodded. "I had to. If she and I were to have any chance together, I needed to be completely honest with her." She looked back up into Faith's eyes. "No secrets."

Her cousin stepped back. "So... you came up here... and she knows how you feel about me... and me about you... and she was OK with that?"

"She loves me." Erica said simply.

Faith shook her head and looked away. "I don't know if I could have done that if I were in her place. I mean, I'd have been terrified that you would... that you might... give in."

Nodding, Erica grimaced. "I did. If you hadn't stopped me, I would have... well... I don't really know what I would have done... but we would have gone too far, for certain." she let out a sigh. "And now I'm going to have to tell her that, too. Well, later anyway."

Shaking her head vigorously, Faith tried to dissuade her. "No, Erica! Don't! She could leave you if you tell her!"

"She'll know the second she sees me, to be honest." Erica noted. "April could always see right through to the heart of me."

Faith started pacing the room. "Tell her I forced myself on you! Tell her... tell her you tried to stop me but I overpowered you and you only stopped..."

"Faith!" Erica interrupted. "I can't! Even if I could get away with it, I'd know I lied to her forever! It would taint everything between us from then on in the light of a lie! I'd spend the rest of my life in fear that she would learn the truth... that I... that I couldn't... resist you."

"Damn it, Erica! You have to! You have to tell her with such conviction that you believe it! Eventually it'll just become the truth! If you tell her you couldn't stop yourself, she'll never trust you around another woman again!"

Sighing, Erica ran her hand under her hair along the nape of her neck, massaging the muscles there. "I'm pretty sure she expected it. I think she wanted to see if you would stop it, which you did. She knows you're a special case for me... a once in a lifetime kind of love that I find irresistible. She knows I've never been tempted by anyone else, even when you two were both lost to me for what would seem to be the rest of our lives."

Sitting down again, Faith looked at Erica in a mild amount of awe. "You meant it when you said you've never... I mean... not even a one-night stand? Just for sex? Not even just to do it with someone?"

She shook her head slowly. "Not even a kiss."

Her cousin rose quickly, a look of hunger on her face. "Oh, God! Erica, that's so..." She leaned forward like she was about to move toward her, but stopped as a look crossed her face, almost as if Erica could see her thinking, What am I doing? Instead, Faith sighed and moved toward the door. "Sorry! Oh God, am I sorry! I... think it's time for us to go downstairs. You're right... I can't trust myself around you alone. It's too easy to give in to temptation."

"I think it's for the best." Erica nodded in agreement. She took a cleansing breath before opening her eyes and putting on a smile. "Shall we?"

As Faith opened the door, she turned and looked at Erica walking up behind her. "Erica? I... just want you to know... if... if you ever find yourself alone... I mean, if it doesn't work out with April, and... um... you need somebody..."

Smiling, Erica nodded quickly. "I know. And who knows, maybe someday I'll take you up on that offer!" Faith looked at her with longing, biting her lip as Erica winked at her seductively.

Shuddering, Faith quickly walked out of her room and out into the hallway. Taking a cleansing breath of her own, she heard Erica close the door behind her. "Alright, time to face the music." Looking over her shoulder, she smiled at Erica. "Together?"

Erica walked up beside her and took her hand. "Together!"