Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

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Waiting for her name to be called, Erica was nervous. Even though it was a simple outpatient procedure, she knew there was no going back. The money her aunt Heather had sent her every month had been squirreled away, invested, and turned into a tidy sum that was paying for her new life.

None of her teachers ever understood how she could write so eloquently on subjects that seemed so far beyond her years. She won writing contests that added to her growing sum and used that money to start her own business at sixteen; a publishing house with herself as sole author. Her main target audience were others like herself; boys and girls trapped in a body not their own. She wrote stories about it, about coming to terms with it, dealing with family, friends, loved ones, employers, doctors, lawyers...

She wrote tragedies about girls who tried to become men, not because they felt they were, but because 'men had it easy', until they got their first taste of male competitiveness and ruthlessness in the real world. Where being a man meant no one cared if you lived or starved, or were even openly discriminated against because they were now a man who had 'all the advantages'.

She wrote comedies about boys who had to spend their vacation pretending to be a girl because their older sister's clothes were the only ones packed.

She wrote love stories; romance novels centered around people like herself and the thrilling highs and terrible lows that came of trying to find true love when the obstacles seemed so impossibly insurmountable.

She wrote about it from every angle; the good, the bad, and the truly ugly. Rape, molestation, sex slavery, botched operations, regrets after transition and wanting to go back, ruined marriages, suicide, transitioning teens and pre-teens and the havoc their rash and youthful choice smote on the ruin of their later lives, murder, and lonely death by neglect. She wrote it all.

She also wrote of God's love for all people, including those like herself. How no one was too lost to be saved, and how everyone was precious in His sight. She wrote about her own loss of faith over the death of her parents, how through that loss she became part of a beautiful family that loved her, and how they guided her back to His love. She wrote how she reconciled the evil of the world... including the hate spread by false teachings of His word... with God's love for us, using a simple lesson passed on by Heather from her father. It was her only non-fiction book and became a best seller the month she graduated.

Through it all, she waited for her eighteenth birthday. The day it came, she started hormone therapy, having already taken care of the legal needs beforehand. She paid to bank her reproductive material against future need, then threw herself into transition with abandon. Now she sat waiting for her breast surgery, the one to feminize her facial structure like she'd had before testosterone had mangled it having been done months earlier.

That, along with a voice feminization surgery to return her voice to the soft strains of her past, and laser hair removal, had all served to bring a little peace to her tortured soul. Within only a few months she had made herself completely as she saw herself in her mind's eye; free to be the woman she'd ached to become since age twelve. Her name had also changed on her birthday. Legally and forever, she would be Erica Bella Dunning.

As she waited in the doctor's office, she received a text. Glancing at it, expecting it to be some message from her secretary June, her heart began to race when she saw it wasn't and who it was from. All the message said were three simple words.

"We found her."

Following the hyperlink, she read in horror the report from the private detective that she'd hired to find her long lost first love.

April Stone was diagnosed with clinical depression by her family doctor at age 13. She was prescribed anti-depressants, which led to a sleep disorder, for which she obtained tablets of Estazolam (a sleep aid that can worsen depression) from a street dealer.

She overdosed at age 15 and was committed to a psychiatric ward for observation. She was released under her parents' care 12 hours later when it was determined the overdose was accidental, not a suicide attempt. She continued psychiatric treatment until she reached the age of majority in January. At that point, she left home, moved to Flagstaff after getting her juvenile record sealed, and took a job as a waitress at a restaurant called Ed's Diner while she completed high school.

Miss Stone graduated on June 8th and is still living in Flagstaff in an apartment near her place of employment. She is unmarried and does not appear to be dating or seeing anyone socially. She has no apparent contact with her family, and maintains only a few social media accounts. She appears to intend to enroll in college at some point as she seems to have sent away for multiple pamphlets for many different institutions around the country. Her area of interest appears to be psychology.

She sees a volunteer therapist, Dr. Heart, one afternoon each week. We've determined by our own methods that she still suffers nightmares, depression, anxiety, and a fear of dying alone. Your previous name is mentioned repeatedly. A recent photo, taken July fourth, is attached in appendix A. Contact information, address, and location of employment are fully detailed in appendix B.

This concludes our investigation and we thank you for your business. Good luck!

Erica briefly considered rescheduling her procedure with this new information, but dismissed the idea and thought that if she were to go to April now it wouldn't be right. Knowing that April was working on fixing her issues, Erica knew she needed to do the same before seeing her. Making one concession to her need to connect as soon as possible, she texted a message to the cell number the detectives provided.

"I've missed you. I never really held it against you that you're a girl. -E"

Within seconds she got a reply.

"Eric?"

Blushing, she only sent a smiley followed by a heart.

"OMG! is it REALLY you?"

She tapped out a quick reply.

"It took me this long and a few private detectives to find you. I never stopped missing you."

Seconds passed before the reply came.

"how do I know it's really you?"

"'Me: You smell funny. You: It's just soap. Me: I use soap and that isn't it.' The day I moved in and my Mom went to the hospital. Convinced?"

"ERIC!!! where are you? your number is not one I know! 603? still New Hampshire?"

"Yes, but I don't live with my aunt anymore. I live on my own now. Long story. Maybe with a happy ending."

"I HAVE to see you! Tell me where you are and I'll find a way to book a flight!"

"I'd love to, but need time to get things sorted. I know all about what happened. Keep going to Dr. Heart. He sounds like he really wants to help you." Sending that, she quickly finished it. "Tied up the next few weeks. Can't get away! Sry! Next month I'll send a plane ticket. Round trip. I need to see you and for you to see me. You'll understand."

An interminable wait followed. Finally, she got her reply. "guess you got a good pvt eye! so embarrassed! made a mess of my life! month's a long wait, but so's 6 yrs. what's tying you up? working in a BDSM shop? ha ha"

Erica giggled as she replied, hoping now that they wouldn't call her name anytime soon. "Very funny! Tied up on business. Started it at 16 and it took off. Easy to do when you're heartbroken, no distractions like love to get in the way."

Hearing her name called, she quickly typed a goodbye. "They're calling me! Gotta run! Just got the P.I. report before I texted you, but had to tell you right away! Love you! -E"

Turning off her phone, she strode into the cosmetic surgeon's office.

Her mind drifted freely in a haze after the drugs put her to sleep. She saw memories of her life floating past her, both happy and terrible. It seemed to stretch off into eternity before she felt the sensation that she was no longer floating, but falling... falling helplessly into an abyss of darkness.

Erica stood in a dark place that felt like a dream, but at the same time didn't.

"It's no dream." he said.

Looking around for the person who spoke, she wondered who it was.

"Funny, I knew who it was... I just couldn't believe who it was." the man said, knowing her thoughts. "Let's save time. Yes, I can read your mind. If you want, just look for me and you can see me. Wish my old man had told me that! See Dad? No need to be all cryptic!"

Erica slowly found herself standing at the edge of a column of light surrounded by darkness with a vaguely familiar man opposite her.

"You look beautiful, Erica!" he said proudly.

She tilted her head like Faith used to. "Dad?"

"Yep!" Jack replied, looking down at the polo and khakis he seemed to be wearing. "Though I remember wearing BDUs the last time I had clothes."

"But you're..."

"Dead." Jack sighed and looked up at the darkness. "Damn, was I this thick-headed, Dad?" He looked back to her and smiled. "To answer the question that's just forming in your Grape, I'm here because you asked me to be here to answer the question that's been itching in the back of your brain-housing for six years. I don't want to ruin the moment for you, so I'll let you go ahead and ask."

She swallowed hard. "Um... well, I guess what I want to know is... will you still love me as your daughter instead of as your son?"

"Erica, I love you... daughter or son makes no difference." Jack half-smiled at her. "Though it was funny as hell watching you pretend to be Buttons!"

"Stop it, Jack!" his wife admonished. Beside him as though she'd been there all along, Erica's mother looked at their child. "Hi, sweetie! You look lovely! But then, I thought you did when I was your shadow that year, too."

"Mom?" Erica almost cried before she looked down at herself, seeing that she appeared exactly how she imagined her ideal self to be.

"Yes, sweetie. I'm sorry I had to leave you, but you'll understand why someday." she explained without explaining.

"I have to know!" Erica said stepping further into the light. "Am I making the right decision? Choosing to be a woman?"

Jack looked at his wife. "She thinks it was her choice!" he laughed and looked down. "Sorry, sweetie! You were submarined, same as everyone!"

"Jack," she growled. "She asked a serious question!" She looked back at their child. "To answer your question, as long as you're following your heart... yes. He loves us and wants us to be happy. Your book was right. You should listen to your own advice, sweetie."

The shaft of light began to slowly fade, Jack sighing and putting an arm around his wife. "Damn, that was fast! Wish you'd got the thousand-year treatment I got, just not how I got it. I'd love to spend a few lifetimes with you. Just remember that we love you... always."

"Forever, sweetie." her mother added. "Just the way you are, Erica..."

"Erica..."

"Erica?"

Her eyes fluttered opened to the sound of someone saying her name. Two hours had passed and her secretary June was standing over her calling out to her, there to pick her up and take her to her office where she could be watched for several more hours before finally going home.

Thinking as she sat in the back of her limousine, Erica pondered the odd dream. Was it a dream? she wondered before answering herself. Of course it was! Just my mind needing to feel like Mom and Dad would approve. Taking a pad, she jotted down some details for later use in a book.

Three weeks of on and off texting with April later, Erica felt up to meeting her face-to-face, but first she felt she had to tell April everything.

"You there A?" Erica texted her.

"for you, anytime E!"

"Can you talk on the phone right now? You're off work today, right?"

"sure, if you want to i'd love to hear your voice! probably sexy!"

"Some people think so. I'll call from this number so you know it's me."

"Did your voice change much?"

"In a way, yes. Calling."

Feeling the sweat on her hands as the phone rang, Erica felt like she was twelve all over again and going shopping in Berlin. After only one ring, it was answered.

"Eric?" April's voice sounded a little deeper to her ears, but Erica knew at once it was her.

"Yeah." she said in simple reply.

"You sound funny. Are you stuffed up?"

"No. April, I've been dying to tell you something... something big, but I've been afraid to." Erica closed her eyes and imagined April on the other end.

Shaking her head, April laughed. "Whatever it is, it can't be as bad as what I did! We must have a weird connection." Erica heard her giggle. "You almost sound like a woman!"

With her eyes still closed, Erica took a deep breath. "I am." she confessed. Dead air followed. A sinking feeling in her stomach threatened to consume her while she squeezed her eyes tighter shut.

April was confused. Sure that she'd misheard, or that something had been lost in the phone connection, she asked, "Sorry, you're what?"

Opening her eyes, Erica spoke plainly. "I'm a woman, April. It's a long story, but I'd like you to know all of it... if you'll let me share it with you."

"Eric? Is this some sort of joke? I mean, you were always doing things to make me smile or laugh, so... Eric don't BS me!"

Tears started to form in her eyes as she could see it all crumbling down. April would hate her. She'd despise her for destroying the boy she loved, replacing him with a freak. "It's no joke, April. I'm... I'm a woman. It's really me! Ask me anything! I can tell you what we had for lunch the first day of first grade! You had PB and J with a banana and a box of milk, and I had mustard tuna with pickle, chocolate milk, and three Oreos! I remember because that jerk Steve Reynolds tried to take my sandwich, but got grossed out by it! It's me, April! My... my name's Erica now... Erica Bella."

April almost dropped her phone. She had no doubt. No one but her best friend could know that level of detail. "Whoa! Did you say Erica? You took your mom's name?"

Tears started to roll down her cheek. Composing herself, she nodded her head. "Before I was born, Mom and Dad were going to call me that 'cause the doctor thought I was going to be a girl!" She sobbed into the phone before she pulled her emotions back enough to continue. "I guess the doctor was right after all! I... I just took the name I was supposed to have."

She was moving beyond stunned and directly into livid. "You son of a bitch! You jerked my heart strings for three weeks and you... you..."

Wiping her tears away, only to have them immediately replaced, Erica stammered her reply. "I... I tried not to! I... I just couldn't help myself! I fell in love with you when you tried to kiss me goodbye in LAX! I... I could see it in your eyes! You... you loved me!"

Pacing her living room like a caged tiger, April was fuming. "Of course I loved you! I nearly killed myself, I missed you so badly! You never called, you never wrote! What the actual hell... Eric!"

"I... I t-tried to call you, the day after I got there... b-but your p-parents..." she stammered, the pain from that day coming back as though it were yesterday.

Stopping, April remembered the afternoon the day after her best friend left. Shortly after she got home from school the phone had rung and she thought it might be 'Eric' based on her father's tone, but they had insisted that it wasn't. "Those bastards!" she fumed. "You know they made me unfriend you? They changed my cell number, made me delete my email... they even told the school I had to have a new email there, too! Claimed you were harassing me!"

"I... I know." Erica nodded through the tears. "I tried everything... but... Oh God, April! I'm so sorry!" She tried to stem the tide once more, but her tears kept falling. "You... you don't know what I went through! I lost everything! I lost Mom! You! I even lost what little luggage I had! When I got there I had nothing and because your parents sent me a week early, they weren't ready for me! Then the power went out for days... they had no cell service... no Internet... the roads were closed... I... I..."

Trying to explain, the more Erica did, the more upset she got. "I ended up having to wear my cousin Faith's clothes, and... oh God, April! That first time I looked in the mirror looking like a girl? I saw Mom looking back! It was like she was there! Alive again! I couldn't reach you, I was alone, and there was Mom!" Calming herself, she finished. "At first it was necessity, then it was an escape, then it was who I am... who I always was, really."

Her fury spent itself as April listened to the story of how Erica ended up so different. "Alright... Erica... so you've lived as a girl for the last six years?"

"No." Erica shook her head. "Just the first year, and again since I turned eighteen." She spent the next half hour detailing how she'd become known as Erica, how as she got older it was impossible to continue passing as a girl, and then how her aunt had sent her away to pretend to be Eric once more.

"When they sent me away, I was... dead, completely dead inside, April. I did what I had to, but nothing mattered anymore. I was forced to be 'Eric the orphan boy' and had no one who loved me. I... I hate them! My aunt... Faith... all of them." she continued, her voice hardening. "They didn't want me. I never went home after they sent me away and I refused visits from them. I wrote back out of respect for the letters they wrote to Eric, but since I wasn't him, I never signed them. As far as anyone was concerned then, Eric was a non-person... and Erica died when they sent her away. I was nobody."

April sat at her kitchen table to listen. "So... then what happened?"

"I started writing again." Erica sniffed. "It brought me back to myself. I was good, so I won some awards. I started my own publishing company using my prize money and my aunt's 'guilt money'." Erica laughed at the memory. "When I turned sixteen, she bought me a freaking Mercedes S-Class! Like I ever wanted her crap! That's what put me over the top, though. I sold it right back to the dealership, undriven, and used the money to publish my first book." Sighing, she looked around her office. "It was a hit, so now I'm a big-time independent publisher. Big deal."

Conflicted as she heard the boy she knew in the young woman that she was listening to, April shook her head in disbelief. "It is a big deal, Eric...a! I mean, aren't you a success now? You probably have like a million friends!"

"None." she shook her head solemnly. "Maybe one, if you count my secretary, June. She likes me, but like a good boss, not really like a friend. Success only brought me two things I ever wanted. The first was being able to become the woman I needed to be."

April paused a moment before asking, "And the second?"

"Your phone number." Erica practically sighed the last part out, unable to hide the sound a lovesick woman.

Smiling a little, she asked, "So you did all that, to... to find me?" April heard her old friend giggle over the phone.

"A little! I mean, you were like my goal. I needed to make enough money to hire enough detectives to find you, but I wanted to help people while doing it. I guess I have." Erica paused before finishing her thought, her voice dropping low and sad. "But none of that matters. I guess it was all for nothing."

"So I'm nothing then?" April barked. "What, because I'm just a waitress and you're some big-time publisher?"

"No!" Erica snapped back at her. "Because now that I found you, you don't want me!"

Slowly realizing how harsh she'd been, without even giving Erica a chance to explain, April took it down a notch. "Um... OK. Yeah, I was a bit of a bitch... but you can't just drop something like this on someone like that!"

"So how was I supposed to break it gently then?" Erica harrumphed.

"Well for starters you could..." Pausing, April tried to think of a gentle way to tell a long lost friend they changed sex. "Um... well... why were you hitting on me!?" she shouted.

"Because I love you!" Erica shouted back. "I think I've always loved you! Because I dream about you! Because I've never been with another woman because they aren't you!" She was angry, but glad to finally get those things out in the open.

April was dumbstruck. "Uh... really?"

Still fuming, Erica barked in reply. "Yes!" Making herself count to ten, she tried to be calm again. "Yes, April. I meant every word, and every word I texted you was right from my very fragile heart."

She tried to imagine what her twelve year old sweetheart would look like as an eighteen year old woman, but couldn't match the two. "So... what do you look like now?" she asked curiously.

Erica tried to be serious, but her friend had just left too much open to let the opportunity pass. "Like Bo Derek... only hotter!"

Laughing genuinely for the first time in a long while, April smiled. "Oh... very funny! If I wasn't sure before, I'd know now... it's still you! But come on... seriously. Did your private eye get you a picture of me? They do that in the movies."

She laughed with April and looked at the photo of her once more. "July fourth. You were on your way home from work. Cute uniform!"

"Oh, God! I remember that day! It was hot, windy, and I was dog-tired from working a double! I musta looked like a junky!"

"Not at all. Sure, you look tired, but I can still see the beautiful girl I once knew in the woman I see."

Feeling herself getting the same feelings she used to get when she would imagine being with Eric, she shook it off quickly. "Oh! You're smooth!"

Shaking her head, Erica leaned back in her chair. "Just being honest."

April felt a mild tingle run down her spine at the idea that she could still make her childhood sweetheart look past the physical and see her. "So, since you know what I look like, it's only fair that you tell me what you look like... for real, I mean!"

Unsure how she'd take it, Erica told her anyway. "I look a lot like my mom, but with dirty-blonde hair. I guess I always did."

She tried to remember Mrs. Dunning, but the memory was too clouded and vague. "I... I'm sorry, Eric. Erica! Damn it! Sorry! I... I can't remember her. Most of my memories from back then feel like another lifetime. The meds they had me on kinda messed with my head."

Grabbing the photo she'd had taken the previous week for book covers, she messaged it to April. "Sent you a pic." she said simply.

Hearing her phone chime, she swiped a finger and her memories of Erica's mother suddenly jelled into place. "My God, Erica! You do look just like her... except the hair!"

"I know." Erica murmured.

"Oh. Right. You just said that." April kept looking at the photo and then finally saw the boy she used to know so well in her eyes. "Oh, wow!"

"What's wrong?" Erica asked concernedly.

"No! Nothing!" she answered. "I just... I see you... I mean... I see the you that I remember. It's your eyes. They have that same look in them that I saw that day at the airport. You look so sad! Oh, Erica! I'm so confused!"

"If you like, I could come see you... or I could fly you out here if you still want your vacation. My treat!"

Biting her lip, she weighed her options, unsure if she really wanted to see in person the woman who'd taken the place of her first love. "Well, I... I already asked for the time off, and I could use a break from this weather! Are you sure you still want to see me? After what I said?"

"I could never stay mad at you, April. Remember?"

Recalling the number of times she'd shaken 'Eric' out of being mad with just a smile, she laughed lightly and smiled once more. "Yeah, I do."

Taking a deep breath, Erica closed her eyes and saw April smiling at her, her bitterness toward April melting like those first snowflakes in her hand. "Alright then, your round trip ticket should be delivered tomorrow morning and your return flight will be for next Sunday, but you can trade it in for a later flight if you want to stay the whole two weeks... or... an earlier flight if you.. um... want to cut it short. Sound good?"

She smiled wistfully. "Yeah, it really does." Catching herself having strong feelings for a woman she effectively barely knew, she re-focused herself. "Um, I mean it sounds OK. So then... Saturday?"

A feeling of hope spread through Erica like a wave. "Saturday... at the airport... almost where we left off!"

The day came and Erica sat waiting impatiently at Manchester-Boston. The only flight she could get for April was connected through Salt Lake, so she felt bad that April had been stuck on a plane for over five hours, but felt every second with trepidation. She busied herself with work, using her tablet, until June texted to tell her that April's flight was disembarking. Standing quickly, she checked her makeup and hair for the fifth time and straightened out her business suit, pulling the skirt down and blousing her top a little. Satisfied that the outfit would do, she waited as she started to see departing passengers.

Suddenly, through the crowd, she spotted April. Putting on her best smile, looking to be in her twenties instead of eighteen due to her smart suit, Erica waited until her childhood friend's eyes connected with hers. April looked older than her eighteen years in a completely different sort of way; tired, care-worn, and beaten down by life. A simple top and jeans showed her figure to be fit, but her face was thin, pale, drawn, and anemic-looking.

Approaching, feeling more than a little intimidated by the powerful businesswoman waiting for her, at first she thought that Erica had sent someone to pick her up; her secretary or someone similar. As soon as she could see Erica's eyes though, she knew it was her one-time best friend. The two stood in front of one another for an eternity lasting only a few breaths, not saying anything. Finally, Erica broke the silence.

"Do... do you have any bags to claim?" Seeing only a nod from her long lost love, she watched as April searched her, as though she were looking for the zipper in the woman-suit, waiting for her old friend to open it and climb out. "OK. Well, do you want me to go with you to get them, or..."

Still unable believe that the woman standing in front of her was the same 'boy' she'd lived with for six months and had known her entire young life, April was stunned. This was the same person she'd dreamt about, fantasized about, and loved. "Um... whatever is fine. If you want..." she said absently.

Erica closed her eyes and waited for the blow. Now that she's here and can see me with her own eyes... Erica was certain April just wanted to go home and move on.

Noticing the look, April knew it all too well. It was the same look she'd seen on Erica's face preparing to hear bad news as a child. "No!" she cried. "No, Erica! I didn't.... oh, shit!" She looked down at her feet absently.

Opening her eyes suddenly, Erica saw the same little girl who'd just flunked her math test and was afraid to tell her parents. "No, April! It's OK! It's... um... oh, to hell with this!" She stepped forward and hugged her oldest friend tightly. "I missed you so much!" she almost cried.

April was stunned, but quickly returned the hug, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "You have no idea how much I missed you!" As the two separated, she wiped her eyes. "Well, maybe you do!"

Shaking her head to clear it, Erica tried to smile. "Well then, lets go get your bags and I'll drive you to your hotel. I got you a suite at a place not far from here. I hope you like it!"

They walked in silence for a time, still very unsure of each other. April led the way, grabbing her suitcases and dropping them on the luggage cart that Erica had brought to her. April found herself looking around at everything else but her oldest friend; the rental car booth, the ticket counter, the people coming and going, anything to distract her from the reality that was so different from her fantasy reunion with her one true love. There were no bells, no music in her heart, no electric thrill of the first touch. It was just... awkward. Heading to exit the airport, she started toward the parking garage escalator, but was stopped when Erica called to her.

"April? My car's right outside."

Following her out, the visitor from Arizona looked for a car, but couldn't see anything past a white limousine. "Where?" She watched as Erica stood next to the limo while the driver got out and waited patiently. Slowly approaching, she laughed a little. "You rented a limo?"

Furrowing her brow, Erica shook her head. "Of course not! Eddie? Would you get Miss Stone's bags please? April? This is my driver, Eddie."

She saw the large black man in the gray suit tip his hat at her with a smile. "Ma'am!" he said as he took her suitcases and dropped them in the trunk.

April stood next to the back of the car stunned. "You have your own limo? Jesus, Erica! I mean, you said you were doing well, but..."

Slowly approaching her only friend in the world, she sighed sadly. "You might say I got used to it." She lowered her head in sorrowful memory of the happy life she all-too-briefly knew. "My aunt Heather had a butler and chauffeur named Fredrick. He was such a wonderful man. I miss him."

Seeing Erica's sorrow made the powerful businesswoman look small and helpless. April made her way over to her as Eddie opened the door for them both. Climbing in, the newcomer settled on the far side of the car while Erica sat on the passenger side. There was enough room on her bench that she could have laid down and taken a nap. "I'm impressed!" she smiled. Sitting across from her, April seemed to be looking at everything but Erica.

"Th-thanks!" her long-lost love muttered. After the driver got in, the car slowly pulled away from the curb. Soon they were moving and a thick silence hung in the air. Erica closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Come on, E! Just spit it out." April said, recognizing the signs that Erica was trying to get up the nerve to say something.

Her breath fell out of her like someone had just popped a balloon. Smiling, she nodded. "You know me too well, April. I guess this was all just a big mistake. I know you're... disturbed... seeing me this way." Seeing her about to object, she held up a hand like her aunt Heather used to do to forestall an objection. "I know... it doesn't matter so long as I'm happy, right? You're fine with it, right? You and I both know that's not true."

Feeling insulted, April lashed out. "Where do you get off..."

Erica was hurting. Here she was, finally with the one girl she never stopped loving, and April couldn't even look at her. "Just stop!" she shouted. "Alright? Spare me the bullshit! I know it bothers you, April! You know me so well you can tell when I want to say something difficult? Well, I know you just as well! You're acting like that day that creepy guy followed us home from school! Like I'm some sort of perv out looking to score with little girls, or something! Just say it!"

"Alright!" she screamed back. "I admit it! It creeps me the hell out! Jesus, E! I can see you in there! I can hear you in the words you use. In the way you talk... in your eyes... hell, even the way you dress! You always were a conservative dresser, and here you still are!" She paused a moment before smiling a little mischievously. "You are hot, though!"

Her blood up to boiling, Erica couldn't help herself when April smirked. Before she realized it, Erica had started laughing. Soon, both of them were. After a moment, the laughter died and silence hung in the air again. Not wanting to let it linger, Erica looked at her oldest friend.

"I'm sorry." was all she could say.

April looked away, ashamed of herself. "What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one with the problem! I should be happy for you..." Her voice trailed off, unable to give words to her feelings.

"...but?" Erica asked. Seeing April close her eyes and repress her tears, she knew the rest. "...but you wanted Eric, and I'm not him. I never was. See? That's why I'm sorry, April. I... I failed you. I... I can't be the way you can want me to be... and now... now..." She took another deep breath and said what they were both thinking. "I'm not the person you thought you loved."

April felt the tear escape her eye. "God damn it!" she yelled at herself for letting her feelings show. She learned before she turned fourteen that she needed to repress her feelings, to bury them so far down they didn't show. Now Erica was trying to dig them up again. Old scars of pain, loss, yearning, and guilt bubbled to the surface and she railed against it. "Yes! You killed my Eric! He's dead! Gone! You're just an imitation! God, my parents were right! I should have just moved on and forgotten about you! This was all just a huge mistake!"

Erica's heart shattered. With her family gone, her one hope for happiness left in the world was gone. In its place sat a void that couldn't be filled. Her heart ached for April's love, but she now understood it could never be. Too much time had passed and they were each so changed by the absence of the other that their former selves were simply gone. Any hope for reclaiming their lost love was futile. Erica had known it could happen; likely would happen. She'd written about this exact same situation time and again. She'd only hoped that somehow their love could overcome it.

The hurt welled up inside so powerfully that she wanted to cry it all away. She tried to stem the tide of sorrow as April obviously had done, to spare the woman she loved the pain of seeing her reduced to tears at the hateful words. Unfortunately, while April had been hardened by life to hide her feelings in order to get by, Erica had learned to cope by expressing them and letting them flow freely. She had no way of stopping the flood of tears; no cofferdam of anger to fall back on. She could never truly hate someone she cared about, even if they hated her. The once again lost orphan girl managed to hold her tears back just long enough to turn away before they began pouring down her face.

April couldn't watch as the wounds she'd inflicted tore her one-time best friend and first true love apart. Part of her despised Erica for being weak, for letting her feelings show and not burying them as she had done. She hated that Erica wasn't strong enough to spare her the knowledge that she had just destroyed her best friend's dreams. The rest of her was at war with the anger. You're a cruel, hard, and bitter woman that doesn't deserve someone like Erica! She tried to hold on to her anger, but the tide had turned. Her anger washed inward in a sea of guilt and remorse until all that was left was the pain of watching her dearest friend cry.