Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

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Sitting in the back of her aunt's limousine, Heather across from her and Faith next to her, Erica's nerves were on edge knowing she was going to meet someone who knew her father... and her from her old life before she was reborn in the body of her son. The butterflies were gone, replaced with raging wildcats clamoring around inside her stomach.

Clearing her mind, she focused on who she 'really' was; Erica Hargrave. She was once more twelve years old, but living with her aunt Heather and cousin Faith. She now thought of her aunt as also her sister-in-law; that part of her fantasy shifting to adjust to her situation. She had actually joined with her own mother, Erica Hargrave, living her life over again, but was simultaneously still Erica Dunning, her own child.

When the car turned a corner, she felt the bump of leaving the paved road and making their way up a short, snowy, gravel driveway. Soon enough the car stopped and she waited while Fredrick got out and opened their door.

"Thank you, Fredrick." Heather said as she exited first.

"If you won't be needing me Madame, I'll wait in the car while you attend to your business with Mrs. Hathaway."

"No Fredrick, you head home. We'll be a few hours, so I'll call when we're ready to be picked up." Waiting as Faith followed her out, she watched a timid Erica slowly climb out of the car. Taking her hand, she led both girls up to the front door and rang the bell just as the car started to pull away.

Erica couldn't get her stomach to settle. While in the kitchen she'd eaten a PB and J sandwich that she was now thinking had been a mistake, certain it was going to come back up at any moment. After a moment's wait, she saw movement from within the small white two-story house. The door opened to reveal a lady dressed in a blue knee-length dress with a black waist panel. She was shorter than her aunt Heather, but still most of a foot taller than her or Faith. Curly brown shoulder-length hair framed her round face, which smiled down at her.

"Hi, Jenny!" her aunt greeted the lady. "Thanks for having us!"

"Come in! Come in!" she said quickly. "It's freezing out there!"

After the three ladies entered her home, she closed the door behind them. "Here, let me help you off with your coats." she offered, helping Erica with hers last. Once done, she crouched down and greeted her. "Well! You must be Erica! I've heard a lot about you!" She extended her hand to the girl. "I'm Jenny Hathaway, but you can just call me Aunt Jenny! I'm very pleased to meet you!"

Slowly taking Jenny's hand, Erica smiled shyly. "Pleased to meet you as well." she replied, almost too quiet to hear.

Once Heather hung up her and Faith's coats, the three followed Jenny into the kitchen where a taller woman waited. The woman smiled as they entered, her shoulder-length ebony hair falling in natural curls to stand in perfect contrast to her milky complexion. Wearing designer jeans that accentuated her athletic curves, a pretty white tank top partially covered by a simple cotton button-up blouse was left to hang open loosely in front.

"Good morning, Heather! Faith!" Brooke greeted them. "Pleased to meet you, Erica." She looked at the child standing before her and, seeing both her mother Erica and father Jack in the child, nearly brought her to tears. "Well... Erica, I... I understand you like your fun red hair so much you want your hair to look just like it? Why don't you come sit here and I'll see what we can do."

Erica smiled weakly as she sat in the chair and Brooke covered her with a cloth. "Thank you, Miss Hathaway."

"You can call me Aunt Brooke." she offered, gently pulling the play wig off Erica's head and examining the girl's natural hair color and length. My God! she thought. It's the exact same color as Jack's! Needing to compose herself, she turned to the girl's aunt. "Heather? I need to mix up the color. Can you give me a hand?"

Heather, having never touched hair color on her life, was stunned for a moment, but quickly caught on. "Oh! Sure, Brooke! I'd be happy to help! After all, you're helping me... and Erica!" She followed the brunette into her storage room where the Marine-turned-beautician kept all her salon products. After Brooke closed the door, she turned to her friend.

"Oh God, Heather!" she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know if I can do this! He has Jack's hair!"

Taking both of Brooke's hands in hers, Heather tried to calm her down. "It's all right, Brooke! Calm down! Jack is not going to be mad at you, I swear! Erica needs this. She needs to feel comfortable living in this fantasy. She's hurting Brooke, far more than you or I, and she's much too young to handle it! I tried to fight it at first, tried to push her away from it, but she just can't handle being Eric right now. She can barely tolerate being Erica, but it makes her feel like her mother's still here with her. For now... it's enough."

Brooke ran her fingers through her hair, blowing out a breath through pursed lips. "You keep calling him her, even when he can't hear you!" she said angrily as a statement, but obviously intended as a question.

Her oldest friend frowned. "She already knows I want her to go back to being Jack and Erica's son, Brooke. I can't afford to slip up. If I do, it would be as though I were trying to tear down her fantasy before she's ready. She'd see it as an attack on her identity, so I have to think of her as though she's just a normal girl. If I think of her as Eric at all, I'll use 'him' by mistake and it will all come crashing down... with potentially disastrous results!"

Closing her eyes, Brooke took a deep breath. "You're sure this is the right thing to do? Won't this confuse him?"

Heather shook her head. "No. People can't be made to think they're another gender, Brooke. It's innate. So unless the potential for gender dysphoria was always in her, it's almost impossible to confuse her. Please, Brooke! If you can't do this, if you can't look at her and think of her as being a normal girl, as Jack and Erica's daughter, tell me now and I'll make an excuse as to why we have to leave. I can't let her face the kind of trauma challenging her fantasy would bring right now! Not this soon after... after Erica's death and being ripped away from the only life she's ever known!"

Turning away from Heather, Brooke crossed her arms to hold herself as though if she didn't she might fly apart. Steeling herself, she turned back toward her best friend's widow. "OK. I... I can do that. I can just think of her as Erica and Jack's daughter.... but you have to promise me that you won't allow this to get out of control. No turning hi... her... into a girl with hormones or anything like that!"

Putting her hands on Brooke's shoulders to help calm her, Heather nodded. "Brooke, I swear to you on my soul, I'll only let this continue while I think it's a healthy coping tool, not a minute longer. Even if she wants hormones or something more permanent, I won't allow it. I know that after a time she'll finally be able to process her pain, move on, and will want to be Eric again... but we can't push her to it! She has to return to it on her own."

Brooke sighed. "Alright, I'll trust you... for Jack's sake if nothing else. I still owe him one and I know it's gotta be killing him to see... her... hurting so badly." Composing herself, Brooke picked up the bottle of hair color. Taking a breath, she pasted a fake smile on her face and opened the door, heading back into her kitchen. "Sorry it took so long, Erica. I couldn't find the right color." Examining Erica's hair, she nodded to herself. "Yeah, I think this will take very nicely! Are you ready, sweetie?"

The girl nodded, eager but nervous. She watched Brooke mix the color into a bowl with a brush, then scoop some of the color onto it, and start painting it into her hair. After a short time, she felt a mild sting on her scalp.

"Aunt Brooke? Is it supposed to feel like this? Like a sunburn?"

The hairstylist nodded as she finished applying the color. "A little, sweetie. It might itch a little too, but you can't scratch it! Can you do that?" Seeing Erica nod slightly, Brooke finished the color and wrapped a plastic shower cap over the girl's hair. Then, coming around front, she looked at her and smiled. "How would you like pink nail polish to go with your dress?"

Erica smiled back genuinely and started to reflexively reach up to scratch her head that was starting to itch. Stopping herself, she was rewarded with another wide smile from Brooke, Jenny, and her aunt Heather.

While Brooke filed and shaped Erica's nails, Faith came up beside her. "Does it itch really bad?" she asked.

"Uh-huh!" Erica nodded vigorously. "I really wanna scratch it!"

"I bet you must have the most self control in the whole world! If I get an itch, I can't help but scratch... no matter what anyone says! Remember that time I got poison ivy, Mamma?"

Heather laughed. "Yes, dear! I do! I nearly had to tie your hands!"

Shaking her head in frustration, Erica twitched. "Can we talk about something else, please? All this itch talk is making it worse!"

Her aunt began talking to Jenny about the power outage and the hardships it was causing, heading out to the living room. Meanwhile, Faith wandered off to read the book she'd brought, bored with watching Brooke give her cousin a manicure. That left Erica alone with Brooke for the first time.

An awkward silence rose up between the two. Erica knew that the woman had known her father and wanted to ask questions about what he was like, but couldn't figure out how to broach the subject while she was herself the living spirit of Erica Hargrave, her father's wife.

For her part, Brooke simply bit her tongue, trying to keep herself from telling the child to 'man up' and go back to being Eric. After a short time, she could tell something was on Erica's mind, but was afraid to speak up.

"So, Erica. Did you know I knew your uncle Richard?" she asked as she buffed the girl's nails.

"Uh-huh." she nodded. "Aunt Heather told me. She said you also knew..." She struggled with the words, having difficulty coping with the concept that Jack Dunning was both her father and late husband to her older self.

Brooke looked up at the girl and realized she'd found a crack in Erica's fantasy and wanted to tear it open. "Yes, I also knew Jack. Jack Dunning. He married your uncle Richard's sister."

Erica's breath grew short, her fantasy threatening to fly apart at the seams and leave her bare and exposed. Trying to calm herself, she stammered out, "W-what was he l-like? J... Jack... D-Dunning."

Slowly, she stopped buffing Erica's nails. Looking at the child seated in front of her, she could see her shaking, close to a complete mental breakdown. Her heart ached to comfort her best friend's child, but she could see the emotional scars were too new; too raw to even touch, let alone begin to heal. Picking her words carefully, she smiled and resumed buffing her nails, trying to undo the damage she'd already done with just a few words.

"Well, I met your uncle Richard and Jack while we were all assigned to Alameda Naval Air Station back in the nineties. They'd been friends for years before that. They met in high school and went through Boot together. Richard was a born leader and Jack followed him! Richard was handsome and charming, Jack was quick-witted and funny. They made a good team. They both enlisted after high school, same as I did, to be able to afford college, but it ended up only Richard followed that dream." She switched to Erica's left hand before she continued. "After a four year cruise, Rich started at Menlo College because it was near Alameda and they had a business degree program."

"I think it was Labor Day in ninety-five when your uncle Richard met your aunt Heather. She was going to Stanford, that's close to Menlo, and there was a party Jack wanted to go to. Richard and I tagged along and your aunt Heather was there." She smiled and looked off into the distance. "Actually, Jack had already met Heather and found out she was going to that party, and was there to ask her out... but when Heather met Rich, it was all over."

She resumed buffing Erica's nails as she continued once more. "Jack was upset, but he loved Rich so much he was happy for them. Jack was always looking for the future Mrs. Dunning!" Brooke laughed. "But he had the worst luck with girls! Poor Jack! In fact, it was him that I met first. He was trying to ask me out, but then he asked out almost every girl he met... that is, until he saw Rich's sister all grown up."

Brooke finished buffing, picked up a milky white base coat, and started to cover the girl's nails. "I think she was the best thing to happen to Jack. She didn't care that he couldn't afford things. She only wanted to be with him. They used to spend time in the park feeding geese day-old bread and other silly and romantic things like that. I remember the last time Jack proposed to her. I say the last time because Jack proposed to her at the end of every date, including their first!" Brooke chuckled at the memory.

Jack walked out the door with Erica's arm hooked under his. It was three in the morning and the New Year's party had broken up nearly half an hour earlier. Richard and Heather were behind them, while Brooke waited at the bottom of the steps next to Richard's car.

"Come on Jack!" Brooke nagged. "We have to get back to The Bricks!"

He looked down at Brooke. "Will you be quiet for just a minute!" he barked. Turning to look back at Erica, Jack smiled. "I do have to go Buttons, but I want to ask you something first." He stopped and faced his best friend's sister, blocking the doorway.

Erica wore a smile that shone from her eyes. "What is it?"

"Will you marry me?" he grinned.

Richard shoved Jack's shoulder. "Come on Jack, quit fooling around! That's my sister!"

Clownishly, Jack stumbled sideways as Erica laughed. After her brother and Heather came out and walked between the two, Jack raced up to Erica as soon as they moved down the steps that led from the street to the door.

"I know it's sudden and all, but you've completely captivated my heart!" While he spoke, Jack exaggerated his every move to comic effect. Bending down on one knee, he took Erica's hand. "Please, my love! Marry me, and I'll take you away from all this!" Sweeping his hand in a great circle, he indicated the lavish grounds that surrounded them.

Erica snickered. "Why Jack! This is all so... so sudden!" she mimicked his comedic overacting. "However, I fear my father will not grant you my hand! I'm needed too much on the farm, what with my eighteen brothers and sisters to take care of! Not to mention my mother!"

He stood and looked at the ground, as if thinking. "That's right! Your mother... the dark fairy Maleficent! We'll elope, then!"

Coming up the steps, Richard grabbed his arm. "Come on, Casanova. You can propose to my sister tomorrow, after I tell her about you."

He jerked his arm free and stood in comic defiance. "Tell her what about me? I'm as good as anybody! Don't I need love, too?"

Erica moved up to Jack and took his arm again. "Oh, I think I already know what kind of man Jack is, Richie! The kind I like!"

Turning away, Richard walked back down the steps with Heather. "Great, just what the family needs... another mouth to feed!" As he reached the bottom, he turned to see his sister looking up at Jack with a giddy expression on her face as they followed. "Oh, Jack! Now look at what you've done! You've gone and made my sister all swoony!"

"Yeah?" Jack smiled. He looked down at Erica who was looking up at him. "What, over me?"

Nodding, Erica turned to face him. "Mmm hmm!" Putting her arms over his shoulders, she looked slightly up at him with stars in her eyes. "You know, I knew I was coming to meet you when Brooke 'introduced' us, right?" She smiled and lowered her voice, telling him of the same thing she'd told him when they were alone upstairs. "I have a confession to make. I've had a crush on you since I was ten!"

"Who? Me?" Jack answered back stupidly.

Richard tapped Jack on the shoulder while Brooke started Richard's car, then leaned over the roof. "Come on, lover boy. Tick-tock!" she shouted.

Pushing her brother away, Erica glared at him before turning back to Jack. "Back off a sec, Richie! I want to kiss my Jack goodnight!"

"Oh, Erica!" Richard groaned. "I don't want to see that!"

Never looking away from Jack, she shot back, "Then turn around!"

Heather pulled at his arm, turning him away from his sister and best friend. "Why don't you give me a proper goodnight as well and leave them be!"

Even as Heather pulled him down into a loving kiss, he tried to strain his neck sideways to watch over his little sister until Heather made him forget about his brotherly protectiveness.

Tilting her head sideways, Erica leaned up until her lips met Jack's. It was a simple kiss, neither passionate nor long, but one that made both of their hearts race.

Backing away from the kiss, Erica smiled. "Still better than I ever imagined it would be!"

Jack looked around, then pointed at his chest with his thumb. "Who, me?"

She nodded. "Keep asking me and I might surprise you!"

Stunned into idiocy, Jack stammered. "What? Who? Ask what?"

Erica laughed as she slowly pulled herself away from him. "You'll see! Goodnight, my handsome young knight!"

Unable to tear his eyes away from her as she turned to join Heather, walking towards Erica's car, Jack shook his head to clear it. "Wow!" he mumbled, watching Erica sway her hips as she walked away. Leaning slightly towards Richard, he spoke in a daze. "Rich? I know she's your sister, but I have to say it. She's hot!"

Grabbing Jack in a headlock, Richard dragged him toward the car where Brooke waited impatiently. "Don't get any ideas, Snuffy! I may face a General Court Martial, but I'll kill you where you stand if you mess with my little sister!"

Pulling free, Jack stumbled back and into a phony fighting stance. "Put 'em up! Put 'em up! I'll fight with one paw tied behind my back for her hand, even if it kills me, which I'm sure you'd be happy to do... again!" He bumped Richard's shoulder as he stopped his clowning and opened the rear passenger door and climbed in.

Brooke shook her head as she climbed into the driver's seat. "You know, I'm starting to regret setting you two up!"

She finished a child-appropriate version of her story and the base coat at the same time, putting Erica's right hand into a battery-powered nail dryer. While it dried, she began on the left hand. "Jack was always clowning, trying to make everybody laugh. He was great that way. If you were feeling down or upset, he'd go out of his way to help you forget for a moment."

Erica smiled, wishing she had the chance to know him. Slowly sadness crept over her face. "Aunt Brooke? Can I ask you something?"

Glancing up, Brooke didn't like the look on the girl's face, but just looked down at her nails again. "I'll do my best. What is it?"

Swallowing hard, Erica worked up the courage to ask her fateful question. "How... how did he die?"

Reliving the horrible memory of the day she found out, Brooke's voice turned clinical. "Jack and Richard were both killed when the HumVee they were in hit an IED... an explosive." Holding back the tears she added, "They were both killed instantly." Taking Erica's right hand out of the nail dryer, she put the left one in and started to apply the color coat, but her hands were shaking. Taking a breath, she cleared her mind and tried again, the shaking gone.

Several minutes passed without a word from either one. Finally Erica said quietly, "Thank you."

Looking up as Brooke finished the clear outer coat, she furrowed her brow. "For what, sweetie?"

"For telling me." Erica sighed. "No one would ever talk about it."

She smiled at the young girl. "Anytime, sweetie. Maybe someday, when you're ready, I'll tell you more about them." Brooke could barely maintain her composure. More than anything, she wanted to tell Erica about Jack; how he lived, what kind of man he was, and what her friendship with him had meant. She just couldn't figure out how to do it while Erica was lost in a fantasy world where she was her own mother.

"Done! Now we move to the sink and rinse out your hair." Brooke ordered. "Remember, don't let anything touch your nails. They're still a little wet."

Nodding, Erica followed the older woman to the sink. Stepping up onto a stool, she turned her head upside down over the sink and felt the warm water pour through her hair as Brooke's gloved fingers massaged out the coloring agent. Within a few minutes, Erica felt a towel wrap around her head and Brooke led her back to the chair.

After a while of clipping small amounts of hair to style it into a more feminine shape, Brooke picked up a curling iron and hairdryer and plugged them into a black box near her back door. "We have a generator, so we have some power. Not enough to run everything, but at least we aren't stuck in the dark ages!"

Erica sat and endured having her hair pulled, curled, brushed, and blown for fifteen minutes. Finally, Brooke gave Erica a hand mirror. "Well? What do you think?"

Once more the child was stunned by her mother's image reflected back at her, this time without the wig making her scalp itch. After a few minutes of getting some makeup advice and Brooke applying a minimal amount, the actual image that reflected back at her was nearly indistinguishable from that of her mother at that age. Looking up at Brooke, she smiled broadly. "Thank you, Aunt Brooke! It looks perfect!"

Brooke wiped a tear away, seeing for herself the remarkable resemblance between the twelve-year-old and photos of the young woman she knew as Erica Hargrave before becoming Erica Dunning. "You're very welcome, Erica! Now, let's go show everyone!"

Hopping down off the chair, Erica followed Brooke back out into the living room. Faith was the first to see and drew in a sharp breath.

"Erica! You look beautiful!" she exclaimed.

Her aunt Heather rose and examined the transformation. "Very nice work, Brooke! She looks lovely!"

Jenny was proud of her wife. "She is pretty amazing!" she remarked, coming up in front of her wife and wrapping her arms around her. Silently she mouthed, "Are you OK?" Brooke simply nodded and wiped another tear away.

After a call to let Fredrick know they were ready to be picked up, the five sat and talked, mostly the adults talking about old times. A short wait later, they heard the car pull up outside and the three thanked Brooke and Jenny for their hospitality.

Once the door was closed, Jenny took her wife once more in her arms. "I'm proud of you, love. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I do know that wasn't easy."

Brooke nodded. "It's fine. I'm just not sure it was the right thing to do. I mean... how can that be right? How..."

Jenny placed a finger on Brooke's lips, silencing her. "It was. I can't imagine the pain that girl's going through right now. If pretending to be her mom for a while helps her get through it, then it's for the best. I'm more worried about you, honey. Seeing her must have dredged up some serious feelings and terrible memories. I know how close you were to Jack... and Erica. I only got to meet them both at Heather's wedding, and again when they lost their second baby and found out she couldn't have any more, and then only Erica once more... at Arlington... but I know they meant so much to you."

She kissed Jenny delicately. "I'm OK... really. I just hope Jack isn't mad at me for helping to feminize his son. I... I pray he understands."

Jenny laid her head on Brooke's shoulder. "Probably a lot better than we do, love."