CHAPTER 18
What could I do but hold her? Eventually, she slipped off, well before I did, which was probably because I was so worried. I managed some sleep, Alys warm beside me, and it wasn’t until I saw and felt the warmth of sunlight through the tent that I realised I had actually slept for more than a few minutes. It was indeed sunny, the rain having ceased in the night, and it was surprisingly warm; when I struggled out for an urgent toilet run, some of the tents around us were actually steaming as they dried.

I hadn’t had much time to say good morning to anyone, or even to pay much attention to them, but on my return I saw Jan and Kelly stirring beans and rotating sausages, as a Full English (deferring to the two of them) took shape. Shan entered just as I settled down with a mug of tea from an equally dishevelled Alys, and the blonde girl flashed me one of her penetrating stares, and then shook her head slightly and found a smile for me.

“Kelly, they going off on their bikes again? Annie and them?”

That girl shrugged.

“S’pose so. Doubt it will be that far today; got a session at twelve, and no way are they going to skip brekkie”

“Right. Time for a walk round the stalls, then? With the girls? Might find Enfys something a bit less boring than trackie bottoms”

I prickled a little at that one.

“Oy! These are Ron Hill Tracksters, not just track suit bottoms. Anyway, I wore them for sleeping in”

“Not for the whole of yesterday as well?”

“They were a different pair!”

“Pah! You’re worse than Mum Ginny. Brekky, then, and shopping. Daz will be up in a few, as soon as he smells bacon. Got plates an’ stuff all sorted, Kelly? Want a hand?”

The darker girl nodded.

“Set them for us please, love. Pass me that bacon and I’ll get the alarm clock going”

Alys and I gave Shan a hand, and then found a couple of camping chairs with our mugs warm with tea as the others filed in, four of them in cycling kit. Clearly mad, all of them; I mean, I rode a bike, and I enjoyed it, but that was mainly for getting about. Taking one on a music weekend just so you could go for a ride offsite---no.

I spent some time watching all of them, especially Annie and Eric. I was used to the casual collision of arms and legs that was Steph’n’Geoff, but the equivalent between Annie and Eric was far more tender. Kelly spent her time teasing Mark, as her mother and father poked fun at each other, Darren and Chantelle seemed permanently smug, but Annie and her man just seemed to be joined at the hip and the gaze. The one word that did fit, I finally realised after a long search of my own English vocabulary, was ‘serene’. I was beginning to understand how calculatedly that weekend had been planned.

A last wipe of bread across a plate, a shouted promise to do the dishes at teatime, and the cyclists were off. Jan shook her head, then turned to Mark.

“Your grandad? Will I need to cook for him as well tonight?”

The young man nodded.

“Aye. He should be with us by two, he said. He’s sleeping in the van”

“Fine. I got enough in yesterday, so we’re sorted. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Didn’t do it last night, cause it was our treat, but I have cash for you both, from your parents. Don’t spend it all on T-shirts or silly hats”

Half an hour later, and four of us were wandering around a collection of little tents, many with racks of clothing outside, while avoiding a large number of children either learning circus skills or trying to ride outlandish bicycle-based devices, and usually falling off. A small dance floor under a tent was host to a number of morris sides and other dance groups, some of which wore clogs, so the noise level was ramping up, right up to the moment Alys handed me a long skirt with the words “Try this on and see how it looks!”

Shan was chuckling, and when I turned to her, she started laughing out loud, before waving a hand at us.

“Sorry, yeah, but, like, it was my Mums and Annie, stuff from here, first time we came”

She paused for a moment to control her breathing, but despite the laughter, there was a hint of waiting tears. The smile that followed her apology was a wistful one.

“First time, yeah? Mums and her, they got me pressies, and one was a skirt like that. Other was shoes like those”

She pointed over to the dance floor stage thing, as some clog dancers rattled off a rapid series of hammer blows, and grinned again.

“Yeah, was clogs, like Kelly does. Can’t play no instruments, like, but Kel’s taught me some steps, and it’s fun. Annie…”

Once more, that hint of tears followed by a smile.

“Rebirthday. Happy rebirthday, that’s what Annie called it”

Darren hugged her, turning to me.

“Yeah, all of us, rebirthdays. I know Shan’s had a chat with Alys, so not going to say no more.”

I looked at my love, to receive a shake of the head and the words, “Later, maybe”. I looked down at the skirt once more, then up at Alys and Shan, and of course I bought the thing. We carried on around the stalls, where Alys found a multi-coloured handbag on a long strap plus some dangly earrings, but to be honest, I wasn’t really in a ‘shopping’ frame of mind; it was enough just to be out in the sunshine seeing her smile. We ended up in a long wooden building, where Shan bought a round of glasses of orange squash made up with lemonade, the bubbles helping to cut through the lingering mouthfeel of grease from our breakfast, and then we were heading back to the Edifice. I was watching Alys redistributing her stuff into her new bag, which included her old bag, while thinking ‘What’s wrong with a rucksack’, when she stopped dead, letting the other two get a little distance ahead.

“What you need to know, Enfys, is what happened to Shan. It was abuse. Rape. Lots of it”

“What? I mean….”

“No. All you need to know, love. Just stuff to avoid bringing up. I could see what you were thinking, and it’s not all a set-up. You think they’re all too good to be true, but they’re just survivors, Don’t know about Jan, think she’s just good people, but the others have all had problems. Annie used to lock Darren up”

“Sorry?”

She grinned, almost freely, but not quite.

“Annie’s police. Darren was a thief. Long story. Anyway, you know where not to go now”

As I nodded, another memory struck me, so I called out to the other two that we would be along in a few minutes, then turned back to Alys.

“Something you said last night, Alys. What did you mean?”

I had worried about that one word all morning, and it was the main thing that had kept me awake all night, or what had seemed like it. She did her best to look puzzled.

“What did I mean by what, Enfys?”

“That you would break. ‘Break again’, that’s what you said”

I was suddenly seeing Shan’s face in hers, the forced smile hiding tears, but she couldn’t manage it, and I watched as her body slipped into that old and stooped posture from years before. Her voice was soft, as it had been the night of that first phone call, our first confessions to one another.

“Was when I finished junior school, love. Had had enough…”

There was a disabled loo near us, someone just stepping out, so before the door could shut, I pulled Alys in and sat her on the toilet before her legs gave way, but not before her tears had started, hot on my breast as I held her to me. It was a couple of minutes before she calmed enough to speak, and then her voice stayed so faint I had to struggle to hear her. At least her fingers had ceased to dig into my back with her sobbing.

“I wasn’t sure you’d heard. It was… It wasn’t good in school. Always followed at playtime, always called names and hit. Never let me be myself. I tried…”

She pulled a little away from me, looking up into my eyes.

“I tried telling Mam, when I was really little. She said I was being silly. So I kept telling her, and then I read some stuff about other girls, and I told her that, and… It was no good. All I could see was more school, with the bigger kids, more nastiness, and then… Then I started with a few hairs, one on my chest, and I was old enough to understand what that meant”

She drew a longer breath.

“You’ve not really spoken with Steph, love. Things we shared yesterday… They’re things we’ve really shared, Enfys. They had to wash me out, last week of junior school. That’s when Mam listened at last. They had a doctor who let me talk, who understood what I was, who listened. That’s when Mam said she wasn’t going to be blind anymore. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?”

I nodded, and her mouth twisted.

“Mam loves me, I know that now, and I know, now, that she believes me, but, you know? It was Dad, he was the one who pushed it. Typical of him, it is. Said that if something needed doing, it needed doing right, so he was the one who did all the research, found the right people to speak to. Even took me to England for the weekend, the three of us. Social weekend, charity called Mermaids. Just other families, all with someone like me, and we can pick our own names and that for the weekend, see how they fit, see if it’s right for us, and it’s when Mam really gets on my side”

“she’s always been on your side, love”

“Enfys, she’s always been on the side of someone she thought was me. Now, she’s on mine”

Another long sigh.

“That’s what I meant about ‘again’, love. You won’t, though, will you? Drop me?”

“Never”

“I think… I know I can trust you, my love, but there will be people, and not just Ifor and the others, and… sod it. You’ll have water in that bag; I know you”

“You should know me”

“Aye. Let me have the water so I can wash my face, please. Then we have a session to play, and music, and other stuff, and… Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Dance with me again, tonight”