CHAPTER 4
It was one of two funny days we had in our pattern of lessons, where two hours of the afternoon were allocated to ‘special’ projects’, alternating week by week. The previous week had been set aside for the school orchestra, so I had spent it partly in trying to get a tune out of a harp, and partly trying to get the harp into tune. That afternoon’s ‘special’ was my alternate one, climbing. How could anyone live surrounded by rock, and not feel even the slightest of urges to try their hand on steeper ground?

Mr Lewis, our usual sports teacher, had a selection of places he liked to drag us up, largely depending on weather. If it was really wet, we would end up at the climbing wall in the Plas y Brenin centre. If it was mildly damp, and we had a small group, he would take us to what he called the Chapel Rocks on the Hafod road by Idwal youth hostel, and practise crack climbing. If it was set fair, it would be the clean slabs of Tryfan Fach, where we could get some real air under our feet and climb literally anywhere on the outcrop. The very best weather might see us on Clogwyn y Tarw or the Milestone, but we never used the Idwal Slabs themselves because of the descent.

I actually loved playing harp, even if it was the school’s old and slightly creaky one, and Dad had promised me one each birthday since I was ten, but it was the climbing I lived for. It did so many things for me, not just delivering the pure thrill of being more than a hundred feet from the ground, but in the concentration needed for the harder routes. While I was trying my best not to let that notional hundred feet reduce too quickly to zero feet, I didn’t have the time or the spare thinking power to worry about Ifor, Ioan and the rest. The attention to little details such as a ripple in the rock, or a few sharp=edged quartzite crystals, drove other thoughts out, and to my shame, that included dreaming about Alys.

That particular day was getting wetter, and so Mr Lewis drove us round the end of Cefn y Capel to the twin Mymbyr lakes, where we parked up outside the Centre. I wasn’t that keen on the place, to be honest, as it was rather boring, as well as being indoors, but it did get my heart going and seemed to be boosting my finger strength. Alys wasn’t a climber, although she played percussion in the orchestra, so once a fortnight, I lost two hours of her presence. I was addicted to the climbing, though, so I managed. I knew, each time, that she would be back in class with me the next day.

As always, I ended up pushing my bike part of the way home, because my legs were like jelly after the workout, and the heat of the shower I took once home had to be dialled down a little as my hands were almost raw from the friction. So many different sorts of ache, and not all of them physical.. There was one thing becoming clearer to me, though, along with something I had always felt: I did not want to leave my home, ever. If I could manage it, I wouldn’t join the young people abandoning the villages for the cities. This was home. The thing I was steadily realising was that I had a career opportunity staring me right in the face, and it started with the Brenin. Bangor Uni, an ‘adventure sports science’ degree, a year’s placement at the Brenin if I could sweet talk them into it, and simply stay living in the place I loved.

Ifor Watkins could piss off, though, as far away from Bethesda as he could manage, and take the other boys with him. I had my Eden, and I wanted no snakes there, of any kind.

I was reminded of that thought a week later, as Alys and I left our orchestra practice. The weather had warmed up a little, and for the first time that month, she was in a skirt. We were walking to the school gates with Sali Masters, giggling away in the traditional Way of the Teen Girl, and then Sali turned to Alys, looking a little nervous.

“Alys…”

“That’s me”

“Um… Girls… The other girls, yeah? They were wondering… look, Carol Charlton, her sister, ah? The one at college in England? In Brighton? They, well, Carol’s sister was, she was saying, they got a lecturer there, says all you lot…”

Alys stopped dead, fixing Sali with a glare.

“All you lot? All who lot?”

Sali started to stammer, then shook her head.

“Girls like you. Their lecturer says you’re all really poofters pretending, so you can trick, trap men for sex”

Alys started to come to a boil, and Sali waved her hands.

“No! Her lecturer, ah? And she also says you’re all really straight men, boys, so, well, can’t be both, can you?”

Alys seemed to calm slightly, and Sali rushed on.

“Yes. Rubbish, obviously, can’t be both at once, ah? Queer boys and straight boys, not possible… Alys?”

“That’s my name”

“Aye, even though Mrs Preece is a cow. Just some of the girls, ah? They… look, you’ve never perved in the bogs, have you? So the girls, they were… Shit. Not doing this right. Alys?”

“Still my name”

“Which way do you swing?”

That really caught my attention, obviously. Alys stared at Sali for a moment, then sighed and shook her head.

“Sali, love: let me put it this way”

She waved at her crotch.

“Didn’t really want to have to make it this clear, but, well, THAT, yes?”

Sali was nodding, cheeks turning as pink as Alys’ had in the playground, but my beloved was shaking her head.

“I never, ever, wanted that THING down there, girl. Why on Earth would I want anyone else’s?”

Sali sat open-mouthed for a few seconds, while my heart tried to explode out of my mouth. She was like me! My mind danced from argument to answer, from denial to hope. Why had she not said? Was I not her type? Did she prefer stocky women in dungarees and DMs? Did I need to buy a new wardrobe, or get a tattoo or something else. Maybe a piercing?

Before I could ask any questions, she changed the subject.

“What you doing next week, Enfys?”

“Eh?”

“Your Mam’s been onto my own, so if I’m spoiling a surprise, sorry, but your birthday?”

“Oh! That! No, nothing special, but it’s the folk club on, so we’ll probably end up there”

“That’s what my Mam said. As long as the club’s on, she says, we can go in, but still no drinking, course. How can you not know? You’ve had your head in the clouds for months, Enfys. Oh, see you, Sali!”

The other girl trotted off to her mother’s car, and after waving, Alys turned back to me, as I stood with my bike between the two of us as a barrier.

“What’s up, Enfys? You’ve been really weird all term, so I have to check. Sort of goes with my life, life of everyone like me. I thought you were my friend”

“I am!”

“yeah, I know, but I also know that people like me, we lose friends. Sometimes because people think we’re infectious or something. Sometimes because… well, sometimes it’s just ‘because’, aye?”

I found myself struggling to hold back tears, and she saw, reaching out and putting a hand to my forearm.

“If you want to finish things, Enfys, I understand”

“No!”

“Then, if you can, please tell me what’s up?”

I mumbled something about willies, and she stepped a little closer.

“Sorry. Didn’t catch that”

Deep breaths, girl.

“I said… I said you’re not the only one who doesn’t like willies”

Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times, her hand clutching at my forearm.

“But… I thought… Oh!”

My courage was rising, or merely my need to get things clear before it drained away.

“Yes. I fancy girls as well, like you do, but you’re the first person I’ve ever told, and…”

More deeper breaths, and an inspection of a chimney pot on one of the Coetmor Road terraces.

“And there’s a good reason you’re the first one”

Her head jerked as a car horn hooted.

“That’s… Oh, Enfys! Talk to me tonight, okay?”

“she was off, but not before I whispered, “Wear something nice next week”, and it was done. I knew, absolutely, that I had probably ruined everything that could ever have existed between us, and then, as she climbed into the passenger seat of her mother’s car, she beamed back the most wonderful smile I had ever seen her give.

That was enough to let me float up the hills on the way home. She had heard what I said, and she had smiled. Smiled at me, and it could only be a smile for me.

Neither Mam nor Dad were home, so I started my duties, peeling and chopping enough potatoes before dropping them into a pan for later boiling. We were having pork chops that evening, so I dusted three of them with some thyme and set them on a plate in the bottom of the fridge. Cut up some broccoli, ready to go into the steamer over the potato pan, then whiz through the little bit of English homework, easy as it was just reading one scene from Under Milk Wood. By the time I had stopped giggling at ‘Call me Dolores, like they do in the stories’, Mam was coming in the front door and I was turning the heat down on the pans as the pork cooked through.

She caught something in my expression as we hugged, and grinned at me.

“Someone looks happy! Ooh, and a blush as well. Don’t worry, love; not going to ask who he is. I can still remember being your age. Not that old yet!”

I found that little surge of courage had evaporated, and felt my cheeks really warming up, the smile I had given her flown away like a frightened bird. She spotted that as well, did my loving, sensitive mother, the same woman who had confessed to walking out on Dad rather than lose him.

“What’s up, love? I know it’s a big thing, first love, whatever, but I’m not going to grill you about it. All I want is that you be happy, happy and safe. Now, change of subject, that’ll be easier ground. Get your books off the table and get it set, and I’ll finish off the cooking. Dad’ll be on his way. We… we can talk later, but only if you want to, okay? And I think we will have a bottle of wine tonight. Anyway, need to talk about next week, so we can do that over the meal”

The front door banged again as Dad came in, and I busied myself with cloth, cutlery, place mats and glasses. Before long, we were sitting round our table, steaming mugs of tea in front of each of us along with chops, cheddar mash and vegetables. After I had cleared the dirty plates, Mam brought in a bottle of the dry Italian white she liked for Dad to do the Man Thing with a waiter’s friend corkscrew. Mam took a first sip, sighing with pleasure.

“What a day! Had to send two students home, we did”

Dad lifted his nose out of his glass, where he had been doing the wine expert thing with the smell of the wine, as he always did, while scrupulously avoiding ever spitting any back out.

“Oh? What for?”

“Bogus English tests, love. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“My job is to teach English to foreign people, but not from scratch. I get two problems, and one of them is when we get people with a visa that needs a language pass, usually English, but can be Welsh, of course. Sometimes, they get someone to take it for them, and sometimes the place that gives them a pass is dishonest. They can’t study when they’re like that, at least not at degree level”

“Oh. What’s the other problem?”

“Bane of my life, it is: cliques. Understandable, cause some of them are a long way from home, but they settle into language groups, and all they speak between them is their own one, which means they have to work twice as hard in lectures. We do what we can to help them use English more of the time, but it’s uphill work. One I had last year… I really think the only actual English he knew was ‘I am a student at Bangor University’. What a waste of an opportunity”

“What did you do with him?”

“Ah, he’s not stupid, love, just silly, or perhaps it’s his parents dreaming a bit too much. Anyway, we cut him out of the ‘sandwich’ part of the course, I booked him into a night class TEFL place, and one of his compatriots volunteered to interpret the lectures for him. I think he’s got the right attitude; we’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, enough work talk. Next week?”

“Yeah. Alys said you’d spoken to her Mam”

“Yes. Dil at the Cow is happy to have a few of you there, as long as the club’s on. If that doesn’t suit, let us know and we’ll sort something out here. Which brings me onto that other thing”

My heart stopped for a second, dreading what the ‘other thing’ might be, but then it stuttered in relief as Mam continued.

“Elective subjects, Enfys. It’ll seem a long way off, but you need to make some choices about where you are going in life, and that will affect what subjects you need to do for GCSE. I know that look!”

I grinned at her, largely in relief.

“What look?”

“That ‘do keep up, oh aged mother woman’ look, that’s what look! What are you planning?”

“Well, been reading and looking up stuff, and your place has the right course, but I would need a placement. Adventure sports science, sandwich course. I thought I’d see if the Brenin could do me a year’s work for the placement bit”

Dad was chuckling, shaking his head gently at Mam.

“She’s your daughter, love. What else did you expect? Enfys, my darling, you have me sold on that one. If the Brenin can’t help, I can ask around some of the pro guides. There’ll be someone or somewhere. Now, I should know better than to ask, but have you perhaps printed off all the info, including the required entry qualifications?”

I just grinned again, and nodded. I jumped up from my seat, rushed up the stairs to collect my little file, and we finished the wine together while poring over the papers.

I was just settling down in bed when my mobile chirped at me as a text came in. It was from Alys.

Free to talk?

I quickly tapped in her number, and she picked up on the second ring.

“You in bed, Enfys?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Just settling down. Did you… Did you mean what I think you meant? About why I was the first one you told?”

“What did you think I meant, Alys?”

“That when you said you fancy girls, it was me you meant?”

“It’s… yes, Alys. Yes, it’s you”

She was silent for a little while, before almost whispering her next words.

“I’m not used to stuff like that, Enfys. Still learning about being a girl”

“You’ve always been a girl, Alys, That’s what you say”

“Yeah, but knowing it and living it, different things, ah?”

“Yes. Same for me, really”

“How?”

“Got to… I have to learn about stuff as well. How to be a… a lesbian, yeah?”

She was snuffling into her phone now, her voice breaking every so often.

“Going to hang up now, Enfys, but not being nasty. Just, just can’t talk properly. Just…”

There was the clear sound of a sob, then her last words as she cut the call.

“You wear something nice for me as well!”

As I reached across to set the phone on my bedside cabinet, there was a tap on my door, before it opened, Mam stepping inside and sitting on my bed. I found myself shaking with nerves, even though it was her, my mother, my Mam, and she set a calming hand on my shoulder.

“I wasn’t listening deliberately, love. You’re terrified, aren’t you?”

“I can’t help it, Mam!”

“I know, love. I know. All I am going to say is that it’s normal for girls to get crushes on other girls. Doesn’t always mean that they are gay”

“I think…”

“I know, love. And it might be true. Like that boy I mentioned earlier: he might get a good degree, but he’s started it with a lot of issues. Am I right? Was that Alys?”

I nodded, and her smile was still there.

“Your Dad was right, love. Definitely my daughter, making the hard choices”

“Sorry”

“My decision to come here was a bloody hard one, love. Was it the right one?”

“Of course!”

“Then just remember that I am your mother, and we both love you, me and your Dad. Being who you really are isn’t a choice. How you face up to it, that’s the choice. And always remember that you will never be alone, as long as we breathe. Family, eh?”

She bent over as she rose from my bed, planting a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“Sleep well, love”