"Thank God you're all right, Jeffrey - my heart was in my mouth."

"Mine still is, Susie - and my balls are keeping it company."

Susie and Jeffrey 10 - 11 - 12 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 10

"It's even better with both of us wearing lipstick, isn't it?"

On our way home, Susie had found a resting place far from the madding crowd.

I caught my breath. "It's hard to say: kissing you is such an awesome experience anyway."

She ran her finger down my chest. "Don't be coy, Jeffrey. You liked it, fully dressed, didn't you?"

"Well, these clothes certainly allow easy access - I'll give you that."

"You loved it when I ran my hand up your skirt."

"I can't deny it," I gulped. "My thighs have joined my bottom as a definite erogenous zone - I only wish that I'd been wearing tights."

"Sheer black ones, I bet."

"No, thick woolly ones - my legs are blooming freezing."

"You need some fashion lessons," Susie huffed - then smiled, "but don't worry, they'll be fun."

"Just who chose the skirt?" I pouted. "The only mistake I made was not realising that I'd be the one wearing it, with the wind whistling up my rear."

Susie unpinned me from the gravestone. "I have to admit these aren't the ideal conditions for snogging. Come on, you've kept me out late enough."

"You're right. I should take you straight home with no more diversions - I wouldn't want your dad to get any wrong ideas about me."

We scrambled back over the wall and I brushed myself down. "I hope your first time in skirts hasn't been a wholly negative experience, Jeffrey."

"Don't worry, I'm not deterred; I've had some delightful moments," I beamed, before deciding it was best not to get too carried away, "but you could buy eight pairs of jogging pants for the price."

"Ah, but there's no way you would get the same pleasure out of them," Susie laughed and thrust her hand up the back of my skirt.

"Aaaww, Susie - pleeeease ..."

"Please what, Jeffrey?"

"Please steer me along by my bottom."

"You're shameless."

"I have to be, with you for a girlfriend."

 

"It's a long slog home, Jeffrey."

"Oh, it has its compensations - two young girls walking hand in hand down a quiet tree-lined street. I feel so close to you, Susie," I sighed soulfully. "Is there any chance I could wear your shoes?"

"They've a heel, Jeffrey."

"That's a big part of the attraction; I'd really feel I was tripping up the petticoat path."

"I don't know: I wouldn't want you turning an ankle."

"Oh, I'm willing to risk it. These boots so don't go with this skirt."

"That doesn't sound like something you'd say, Jeffrey."

"All right, if you must know, Denise doesn't like them - she wants to wear something more feminine."

"It's a nice try, Jeffrey," she grinned, "but I'm wise to your little games. You're not walking a mile in my shoes."

"Well, it was worth a shot, but I deserve some reward for breaking in these boots."

"I'm not ungrateful - I'll tell you what, when we get home, I'll rub some Fiery Jack into your feet."

I winced. "The funny thing is," I confessed, "most of it was true. You've heard of the Stockholm syndrome, Susie, where the hostages come to identify themselves with their captors."

"It's required reading for criminal psychologists. You know, "she added thoughtfully, "I think that's a career I should seriously consider."

I shook my head. "I don't know about that. I think manipulating people through advertising may be more in your line - besides, that's where the filthy lucre is."

"You mean give up my vocation and follow the money," she bit her lip. "That would be a tough decision to make."

"It's a noble calling: capitalism depends on it," I stressed, "and sacrifices will have to be made if you want us both to dress like fashion models."

"Well," she shrugged, "that's all in the future. I'm happy for us to be unspoilt schoolgirls for the next two years - how about you?"

"I know that you like me as Denise," I gave a little sniff and even managed a hint of a tear - it wasn't difficult the way my feet were feeling, "but I hope you don't become obsessed with the clothes, because Jeffrey has a lot to offer."

"Don't worry about that, you're both as one to me." She gave me a hug. "By the way, the little girl lost act is ever so appealing - are you going to use it on your mother?"

"Only as a last resort," I smiled. "I can't just say that I've lost my clothes. What do you think about this? I arrive home in shirt, socks and underpants ..."

"Knickers, Jeffrey."

"Let me finish - I tell my mum that I've been debagged by a gang of kids. The question is, will she think it's some kind of a cover-up?"

"Hardly that."

"Be serious, this is a crucial decision." I kicked out at a stone. "If only I had a few bruises from the crash - that would be evidence I'd put up a gallant resistance against overwhelming odds."
"Don't forget me," she grinned, "I would have been right at your side, fighting to keep you in trousers."

"Yes, you would," I laughed, "but that doesn't solve my problem."

"If you want to convince her with that story," Susie snorted, "you should be found stark naked, tied to a lamppost." She threw up her hands. "Just wear the skirt - your mother won't mind, believe me."

"It's difficult: this week, I've been helpful around the house and I haven't minded - well, not too much," I sighed. "I'm happy to carry on with that, but I've been resisting going any further."

"What's this - is there something you've been keeping from me?"

"It's nothing really, except that mum seems to be leaving her clothes and shoes lying around - a sort of open invitation for me to try them on. Actually, I think it's teenage girl's stuff; she must have bought it specially."

"And have you succumbed?"

"No," I huffed. "I've enough on my plate coping with you. Until I was dragged up into that toilet, I'd been manfully resisting. You've undone all my good work," I complained.

"I thought you were happy to be Denise."

"I'm not averse to taking a walk on the wild side with you, but this could mean being Denise with mum as well. What's she going to think? I'll have come home twice, in less than a week, dressed in your clothes."

"Accidents will happen, Jeffrey - you should know that better than anyone."

She pointed at an upcoming poster. There was Prince, posing with one of his trophies. Underneath, a five hundred pound reward was offered for information leading to his safe return.

"It's a good likeness," Susie shuddered, "pity it's not dead or alive."

I ignored my protesting feet and stepped up the pace away from there. "Mum believes my sort of accidents need a willing victim - and she's right in a way - you gave me fair warning and I carried on regardless."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know: she's put up with such a lot these last few months. It would be cruel to tell her - this is just between Susie and me - not when she's being so understanding."

"I suppose you could wear a skirt around the house - just to avoid hurting her feelings."

"It wouldn't end there - I'm on a slippery slope. Honestly, Susie, I think it would be better all-round if you could get me some pants. How about sneaking out a pair of your brother's."

"I can try, but everyone will be home and we're so late that there are bound to be questions asked. And Mikey's such a nosy little bugger," she snorted, "he'll probably follow me out."

"Oh, I don't want him seeing me like this."

"Neither do I. You're a thirteen year old boy's wet dream - dad would kill me if there were any of those sort of complications."

"Please tell me that you're joking, Susie."

"It's the truth, Jeffrey: not only do you look like Lolita, you act like her. You're forever playing with your shirt buttons."

"I can't help it - I'm fascinated by what's in there. I bet you were just the same when you got your first bra. It's a big moment in a girl's life - especially when she's a boy."

"I'm not complaining," Susie laughed. "It's just that your behaviour is a wee bit erratic."

"I think I'm entitled to a certain amount of flip-flopping - it's not every week you discover a whole new you."

"It's a very attractive one, Jeffrey."

"But confusing, leaving aside the erotic aspects of being your girlfriend, which are considerable, I'm overjoyed to be free of all that crappy, macho, boy stuff."

"So, what's the problem?"

"On the other hand, most of all, I want a nice quiet life - a peaceful two years in the sixth and then on to university to read maths. A reclusive eccentric was my ultimate ambition - until you came along and turned my world upside down."

"Gee, I'm really sorry, Jeffrey. I suppose that I have been selfish," she acknowledged. "If there's anything I can do to help."

"I'll have to give it some serious thought, Susie," I frowned, "but for now we'll just have to make the best of it - I don't suppose you've a couple of matching black lacy bras?"

She grinned and smacked my bottom. "Be a good girl and I'll see what I can do."

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson, but I can't help playing along. "Don't," I yelped and gave a little skip, "at least, not in this skirt - wait until I'm wearing the tightest one you've got."

I was hoping for a further thwack or three, but Susie was regrettably diverted. "Crikey, Jeffrey - look over there."

Oh no, the House of Cats. We were on the opposite pavement, but I could see Miss Hackett in the garden and she was standing on the bottom rung of a ladder. I felt an unsettling tightening down below.

"Come on," Susie set off across the road, "before she kills herself."

"Don't panic," I yelled, "she probably has a head for heights. Maybe she'll be okay if you hold it steady- or go up yourself," I suggested desperately, as I trailed along behind.

Susie reached the gate. "Listen to yourself, Jeffrey - Denise would be ashamed of you."

"If we carry on like this, everyone's going to know. I may just as well put an announcement in the paper - with a before and after picture."

For mad words, deaf ears - she dashed up the path. "Hold on, help is on the way. It's Susie and Jeffrey."

"Just remember, we're not Batman and Robin," I cried out in vain.

Miss Hackett turned around. "Oh, Susie," she gasped, "little Nicky fell out of the attic window and slid into the guttering. I have to get him down - if you and ..."

She did a double take. "Did I hear you right?" She stepped forward for a closer look. "This must be Jeffrey's twin sister - I know he's a pretty child, but this is unbelievable, Susie."

"Yes, how she manages to pass as a boy is amazing; she's such a little sweetie, isn't she?"

I blanched and mouthed a silent 'Please, Susie' at her.

She relented. "I shouldn't tease, Miss Hackett, because Jeffrey's the hapless victim of circumstances beyond his control. The girls at the party ganged up on him."

This sounded a promising story and I gave a nod of encouragement.

"I should have called a halt, but when I saw how cute he looked with his hair in bunches and wearing lipstick, I urged them on."

Well, this is more like the truth.

Susie faltered. "I'm ashamed to say it, but I had an overwhelming urge to see Jeffrey in a skirt."

That's better: tell people I've been preyed on by a pack of feral females. "It's all very well apologising now," I whined, "but this could do me irreparable psychological damage."

Miss Hackett put her arm around me in sympathy. "Never mind, Jeffrey - don't upset yourself - and don't be too hard on Susie, I know how she feels, you do make a lovely girl."

Bloody hell, not another one - I can certainly pick 'em. Still, I preened; I must be quite a looker to take her mind off a kitty crisis.

"Not only is he a lovely girl," Susie drew me forward, "but he's a lovely girl who's at home at the top of a ladder."

I gave a surreptitious shake of the head, but she was having none of it. "You get up to the attic and give support, while we attend to matters here."

Miss Hackett hesitated, but set off after hearing a plaintive meow. "I've always thought you were a little angel, Jeffrey," she called over her shoulder. "I wouldn't be surprised to see you fly up there and save Nicky."

"I need to work on my helpless little girl act," I bleated, "because I'm going wrong somewhere. One minute, you're telling me what a pretty miss I make and the next you're sending me up a rickety wooden ladder, to who knows what dizzy heights."

"That's because you're so versatile," she giggled, before collecting herself. "Sorry, I should be serious, because there is something a bit spooky about all this."

"Spooky?" I raised my eyebrows. "What do you mean, Susie?"

"Well, here you are about to act out your ladder fantasy - it's like destiny is calling."

"Nonsense - it's nothing like it. I could run the high hurdles in this getup."

"Well near enough - it'd give me the shivers. There are eerie forces at work here, Jeffrey."

"What a load of rubbish," I scoffed. "There are no such things - let's get on with it."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure." I started up the ladder. "Though, I suppose it's possible the gods are having a joke with me - and a bloody big one at that."

"Keep on going, Jeffrey," she laughed, "and you'll be able to ask them."

"Susie, hold the ladder steady."

"Sorry, it's all right now - I've got a grip on myself. You needn't worry; I won't be moving from here - it's such a wonderful view. I hope you don't mind, but I'm looking right up your skirt."

"I'd be disappointed if you weren't - it's silly, but exciting, isn't it?"

"Oh, I so wish that you were wearing stockings and suspenders."

"I've learned my lesson; I'm not sharing anymore of my fantasies with you - true or not."

"Spoilsport."

Passing the top of the bay window reassured me - it would make a useful emergency landing site. Before making the final assault up the north face of the Hauskatzen, I reminded Susie of her duty. "Hang on down there."

"It's all right for you - there's all sorts floating down - I'm getting a hair full of dust and I don't know what."

"Well, just remember - they also serve who only stand and wait."

I finally reached the top and grasped the guttering. It tipped up and gave me a nasty moment, before depositing the kitten and a mess of black gunk on my shirt.

"Would you believe it," I shouted down, "I've ruined the rest of my boy clothes - they must be cursed."

"Never mind that, just be careful."

I pressed the cat to my chest and it had the sense to hang on - mission accomplished.

"Watch out below," with my free hand, I scooped out a tennis ball and more gunk. I wouldn't have been too upset if it had landed in Susie's hair.

I shoved the guttering back in place. "Cats rescued - gutters cleared," I yelled and immediately wished I hadn't. The way Susie got through money, if I wasn't careful, she'd be hiring me out.

I opened my shirt and tucked the kitten inside. I did up the buttons and congratulated myself on a job well done. I gave a wave to Miss Hackett at the window and shouted to Susie "It was a piece of cake - I could have done it in high heels and a hobble skirt."

"Just what sort of fantasies have you been having, Jeffrey? You shouldn't know anything about hobble skirts."

"Never mind that. I'll come down as if I was wearing one." I jumped two-footed onto the rung below.

The wood creaked alarmingly and sagged under me.

"Oh!" I grasped the ladder tighter, but it was too late.

"Ooh!" The rung gave way and my feet dropped down onto the next one.

"Ooohh!" There was no stopping now; they were going down like a row of dominoes.

"Oooohhhhhh! Susie, the bottom's falling out of my world."

"Land on me, Jeffrey. Better a squashed Susie than a damaged Denise."

She stood her ground and caught me in her arms. "After that little ride," I cried in relief, "I'll never criticise your driving again." We went stumbling backwards. "Oh, be careful," I shrieked, "I don't want to get grass stains on my skirt."

We'd ended up on the lawn playing spoons. "Thank God you're all right, Jeffrey - my heart was in my mouth."

"Mine still is, Susie - and my balls are keeping it company."

"Don't worry, it's just a temporary safety measure."

"After what I've been through today, I wouldn't blame them if they decided to stay permanently out of harm's way."

She sighed and whispered in my ear. "Don't worry, I know how to coax them down."

"I'll take your word for it, because we really should get up."

"I didn't mean now, Jeffrey," she scolded. "I wouldn't dream of compromising Denise in public." She reluctantly released me. "Note this position for later use."

I helped her to her feet and she threw her arms around me. "Never do anything like that again."

We hugged away until the kitten protested. "Let me get him out, Susie."

I unbuttoned my shirt and took out the little cat. "I wish I had a camera; talk about a chocolate box cute pair."

I smiled and let it jump free. "I can see an even cuter pair now."

"Aw, Susie, you're spoiling me." I stooped down and picked up the remains of one of the rungs. "That's what you call a bad case of woodworm," I said, as it crumbled in my hand.

"Forget the technical details and tell me, was it like flying?"

"No, very much like coming down in a jerky lift."

Susie looked disappointed. "Well, did your whole life flash before you?"

"No, I was pondering deep philosophical questions. What's it all about - why are we here?"

"We're here, because we want to be, Jeffrey."

"Don't joke, Susie: I've had a near death experience."

"I'm sorry, it must have been awful for you."

"It was, but I've made a significant discovery."

"What would that be?"

"The rush of air up a girl's skirt is a sensational feeling."

 

Chapter 11

I'd washed up and disposed of my shirt and tie. "Stop messing about Susie, I don't want Miss Hackett to see me like this."

"Sorry, Jeffrey - ugh - the fastener seems to be stuck. What have you done to it?"

"Nothing." I twisted around to see if she was really trying and took my eyes off the door.

When I turned back, Miss Hackett was setting down a tray. "Here we are," she smiled, "a nice cup of my special tea made from knitbone leaves."

She looked up and a vigorous effort from Susie set my breasts bouncing.

You'd think she'd never seen a pair of boobs before. "Is that all you, Jeffrey?" She gasped when she finally managed to look me in the eye.

"Yes," I blushed, "aren't these modern bras marvellous? I don't know how they do it, but they can work wonders for a girl."

Susie interrupted her pushing and shoving. "This one's worked a miracle for a boy, hasn't it, Jeffrey?"

"That's always the way, isn't it?" I appealed to Miss Hackett "The most stubborn fat is always in the place you least want it."

I think she knew it was a little white lie. "I wouldn't say that, Jeffrey, but you mustn't worry about them." She put her hand on my hair and scratched behind my ear. "My happiest little friends are those that I've helped to become, you know, in-between."

"Well, I suppose they do have their compensations," I purred.

Susie gave up on the bra. "Sorry, you're stuck with them for the moment."

"We can't let Jeffrey walk around like that," Miss Hackett frowned.

"I hope you appreciate my generosity." Susie went over to her bag and pulled out something purple.

"I don't remember buying that."

"You should have paid more attention in the lingerie department, Jeffrey. It's a satin cami top; it'll go perfectly with that skirt."

She held it out in front of me. "I think it may be a little too," I lowered my voice, "feminine."

Miss Hackett must have the ears of a cat. "I could lend you one of my cardigans, Jeffrey - would you feel more comfortable in that?"

A cardie with this skirt - no way. Anyway, I wouldn't feel right wearing Miss Hackett's clothes.

"Hold it up, Susie," I ordered. She slipped it over my head and I wriggled into it. "Oh, it feels wonderful," I blurted out.

Susie smiled and smoothed out the straps. "I can't wait to see you in my prom dress."

Miss Hackett coughed and I whispered. "Mind what you say, I don't want people thinking I'll be making a habit of this."

"At the moment, I think the main priority for Jeffrey should be a pair of tights. We don't want him getting a cold in his kidneys."

"Oh, I'm used to bare legs - I think I'll give them a miss. The more girly stuff I have on, the harder it will be to explain to my mother."

"In that case, I've just the thing - a nice thick woolly pair, like the lorry drivers wear. I'll get them for you - I won't be a minute."

Miss Hackett disappeared upstairs and I looked at Susie in alarm. She grinned and pulled a pair of sheer black tights out of her bag. "I bet you'd prefer these wouldn't you?"

I dropped my skirt. "Hurry up, before she comes back."

She opened the packet and passed them over. "Do you need any help?"

"You're dealing with someone who can unscramble Rubik's Cube: no article of women's clothing, however intimate, is going to defeat me."

"Thanks for the warning, Jeffrey. I can see I won't be safe with you around."

"You may scoff, but I could have managed the bra if you hadn't buggered up the fastening." I had the tights over my knees. "I wouldn't be surprised if you did it on purpose." I yanked them over my bum. "Oh, is there no end to it, Susie - I love the feel of them."

She came over and fussed around more than was necessary, but I didn't complain. "They suit you, Jeffrey." She helped me back into the skirt. "How's that?"

"Amazing, my thighs thank you, my calves thank you, but most of all my feet thank you."

I looked down and wiggled my toes. "Oh, they're so sexy - I'm not hiding them away in those bloody boots. Hand over your shoes."

"You win, Jeffrey." She sat down and took off her shoes. "I suppose these do go better with your outfit. Slip your feet in here."

"I have to be honest with you," I said as she fastened the straps. "I think Denise may develop into something of a shoe fetishist. I wouldn't mind playing a little footsie with you later - as long as you're not wearing those boots."

"I'm going to have my work cut out keeping up with you. You'll have to make do with this for now." Susie ran her hand up my leg. "Come on, let's see you on the catwalk."

I took a couple of paces and then sashayed through the assorted moggies - they gave me a chance to try out my wiggle.

"Not too much, Jeffrey - you're quite the sophisticated young lady now."

"Am I really?"

"Yes, you are - and it's your choice. You could have accepted Miss Hackett's offer."

"Denise wouldn't let me." I twisted to get a glimpse of the backs of my legs. "I can't understand it, as a kid I hated dressing up; I remember wearing a Spiderman costume and being too embarrassed to come out of my room."

"And baby look at you now - give us a twirl."

I willingly obeyed and sent my skirt flying up. "Susie, you have something to answer for," was all I could say as it sensuously settled back down over the tights.

"From the expression on your face, I think that I'm not entirely to blame."

"You're probably right," I sighed. "This time it's going to take more than a morning of double double maths to ditch Denise; I may have to recite the first thousand digits of pi - forwards and backwards."

"Ten thousand at least, Jeffrey."

I shrugged. "Like you said, Susie - if you're going to have a fantasy, have a good one."

"They don't come much better than this, Jeffrey."

"Before you get too carried away, let's agree on our story. I don't want to tell my mum about the toilet episode and I'm sure you don't want your dad to know about your driving exploits."

"It's the party story then; I'll take the rap for leading you astray."

"No, don't do that, mum's bound to think it was my idea - putting the blame on you will only make me look worse."

Susie gave a thoughtful nod. "You don't have to give her the full works - you could strip down to the bare essentials."

"I know, but she's convinced I'm at least a closet cross-dresser; I may as well get it over with." I gave a wry smile. "I can't help myself; I'd rather she saw Denise at her best."

Susie laughed. "Come on, we'll fortify ourselves with the special tea."

She poured out two cups and pushed one over. I hesitated. "You didn't supervise the making of it this time - I'd rather not."

She emptied her cup with a couple of large swigs. "Down the hatch Jeffrey, the worst that can happen is it'll put more flesh on your chest."

"No, it isn't," I said solemnly, "plenty of folk mix up knitbone with foxglove, the cemetery's full of them - ask my gran."

"It did taste a bit funny." Susie anxiously licked her lips.

I picked up my cup. "Ah well, better go together like star crossed lovers." I drank it down and flopped dramatically back in the chair. "I rather fancy myself as Juliet- what do you think?"

She chuckled. "Bloody Denise the Menace is more your hammer. Come here, your lipstick needs freshening."

"Go ahead, do your worst. This girl needs all the confidence she can get."

"You're learning, Denise," she laughed and set to work.

"Is that what you like to be called, dear?"

"Oh, there you are, Miss Hackett, it's just our little joke," Susie smiled over my shoulder, "I persuaded Jeffrey to stay in character." She spun me around. "He's a little heartbreaker, isn't he?"

"I know what you mean, but Jeffrey's feelings should come first." She turned to me. "Is this what you really want?"

Confessing to my mother is one thing - I thought it best not to commit myself. "Actually, I may be suffering from delayed shock. That brush with death has upset me."

"I understand - you're not yourself."

"That's right - I may not be fully responsible for my actions." I sought support from Susie. "It's a well-known psychological phenomenon, isn't it?"

She hugged me to her. "The fact is Miss Hackett, Jeffrey's had a run of traumatic experiences and this last one may have pushed him over the edge. I think he's seeking refuge in his Denise persona."

"In that case, I'm certain I was right to ring his mother and tell her the whole story- she's on her way to pick you up."

Miss Hackett closed the door behind us and we set off down the path to the car.

"Are you a fine little actress or is your mother really allergic to cats?"

"I didn't want mum to meet Miss Hackett with me standing there dressed like this."

"I suppose it would have been a bit of a shock," she grinned, "meeting a witch and Miss Teen Angel."

"The more angelic the better, Susie - how's this for a wide-eyed innocent look?"

"Take your thumb out of your mouth, Jeffrey."

"Joking apart, I'm sticking to my story that why I'm doing this is a complete mystery to me - which isn't a million miles from the truth - so don't bugger it up."

"Rely on me. Whatever you say - I'll give my full support."

"I'm glad to hear it, but don't get carried away. In fact, I'd prefer a silent witness - just nod your head."

"My lips are sealed, Jeffrey."

"I don't believe it for a moment."

She held open the door. "My only regret is that I've deprived you of a three mile hike in those bloody boots," I smiled sweetly, before sliding in gracefully beside my mother. I fastened the seatbelt while Susie climbed in the back.

I turned to my silent mother and nervously cleared my throat. "We've been having a little fun and games - and one thing led to another. I may have gotten ever so slightly carried away," I trailed off.

Mum plucked at the hem of my skirt and said nothing.

I swallowed. "You're right - I do have a feminine side." I gave her a resigned smile." I shouldn't have tried to keep it a secret - mother's always know, don't they?"

I was hoping she would find Denise as lovable as I do and hug me, but I was disappointed. Mum didn't relax her stern look. "You have no excuse."

"It's not my fault," I whimpered, "I did my best to think of one."

"Whatever am I going to do with you, Jeffrey?"

"I'm sorry."

"How many times have I told you?"

"I can't help it - Nature's played a cruel trick on me."

"You're never to go up another ladder!" She wagged a finger under my nose. "Leave it to the professionals."

"But ..."

She pulled me into her and stroked my hair. "Oh baby, I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you," she sobbed. "In future try to be more responsible - remember that you're the man of the house now."

Susie didn't laugh - I only wish she had. "Don't blame Denise, it was her maternal instincts - since she found out she has breasts, she's been like a girl possessed."

I groaned inwardly as mum leant over, lifted the front of my cami top and cradled my left breast. "That's such a relief! All summer long, I've been worried you were anorexic or bulimic - or both."

Susie piped up again from the back seat. "You can put your mind at rest; Jeffrey's fat has just been redistributing itself for Denise's benefit." She turned to me "Very svelte - that's how you described yourself, didn't you, Jeffrey?"

"I don't think that I said 'very'," I glowered.

Mum dropped my top back in place. "You shouldn't have kept these from me, Jeffrey."

"I haven't. I just didn't realise so much could be made out of them. Don't make a fuss - Denise is happy with them - whatever they are."

"Denise," she sighed. "You remembered that was the name I'd chosen for a girl baby."

It was news to me.

"That was thoughtful of you, Jeffrey." She turned to Susie. "I shouldn't be surprised, though, - such a change has come over him this last week. We both owe you a huge debt of gratitude."

"Yes," I conceded weakly, "she's Pygmalion and Aphrodite rolled into one."

"She's certainly made a lovely Galatea out of you."

"I can't take all the credit, Jeffrey is such stuff as dreams are made on."

Mum laughed. "Does everything you've got on belong to Susie?"

"Yes, apart from the briefs."

"And it's all new?"

"Yes, we've been shopping." I thought it best to be diplomatic about the bra's exact origins.

"You shouldn't take advantage of Susie's generosity in this way. It's not fair letting her spend all that money on you."

"It's okay, it was fun having Jeffrey choose and there's no one I'd rather have wearing them."

Mum got out her wallet. "How much did they cost, Jeffrey?"

"Fifty pounds."

Mum passed three twenties over to Susie. "Here you are and a little extra for your guidance." She turned to me. "We'll settle up later, Jeffrey."

As we pulled away, I decided Denise had better show more interest in clothes than Jeffrey does - I need to get her a dress allowance, the way Susie spends my money.

They began to chat about me.

"I think pink would be more appropriate for Denise; she hasn't your maturity, Susie."

"Red lipstick's one of my little weaknesses, I'm afraid."

Pink, red, I licked my lips in contentment.

"Jeffrey will have to take better care of his hair."

I snuggled down in the seat and rested my hands on my thighs. Why not make the most of it "Take the long way home along the prom, this is helping me unwind."

Susie leaned over and massaged my shoulders. "Go on, Mrs Smith - Denise deserves some therapy."

Mum smiled, "I'll drive slowly," and she headed towards the sea.

I closed my eyes and relaxed. They continued their conversation and I basked in their warmth. I felt at home. "Never sad diffident Jeffrey again," I murmured when Susie stroked my hair.

All good things have to end - we swung into our street. "Can I drive the rest of the way?"

Mum slowed down. "Have you done much driving, Susie?"

My eyes sprang open in alarm. I should have been dismayed by the sight that greeted me, but it was deliverance in one way. "Hey, there's your dad standing at our gate, we'd best not keep him waiting."

Mum gave me a concerned look. "What do you want to do, Jeffrey?"

"Pull into the drive, Susie and I will take it from there."

We got out and mum continued into the garage. Susie held up her hands. "Sorry we're late, but it was circumstances beyond our control."

"You should take your phone - and don't say you forgot, because you do it on purpose."

"Don't shout, dad - what will Denise think."

"You're hiding behind my skirts now," I hissed in her ear.

She thrust me forward. "Hello, Mr Jones - I bet you're surprised to see me, but like Susie says, you can't keep a good girl down under."

He looked me over and gave a broad smile. "Sorry about this." He indicated his sling. "But left hand's a Lancashire man, isn't that right, Denise?"

"Careful dad, Denise is even more redoubtable when roused than Jeffrey."

"I know how to treat a young lady and I wouldn't be surprised if Denise could teach you a thing or two about proper feminine behaviour."

He gave me a polite handshake. "Has Susie been up to her little tricks again?"

"It's not her fault - I brought it on myself."

Mr Jones gave a thoughtful nod. "I can well believe it - your picture doesn't do you justice, Denise."

"Well dad, that was a fake - this is the real thing."

His eyes fixed on my chest. "All of him?"

"Yes, all of her dad."

"Have you ... I'm sorry," he stammered, "I shouldn't be asking - I don't want to know any more."

I have to admire Susie's opportunism. "We'd like to spend more time together - you don't mind if Denise comes round in future, do you?"

"That'll be fine," he spluttered, "but you behave yourself, young lady. Look after Denise; don't go getting her in any trouble."

I was prompted by Susie's hand on my buttock. "Thanks, Mr Jones," I murmured and lowered my lashes. "A boy like me needs a girl like Susie with a father like you."

He smiled awkwardly at me and turned to Susie. "We'd best be getting home - your mother's waiting to give you a good telling off."

I was glad he was gone before mum emerged. We walked up to the front door together.

"Is the car fully insured?"

"Yes and the house, but you're not - so be careful in future."

"Don't worry mum: Susie is watching over me, but just one thing - please don't go giving her any driving lessons."

She ushered me inside. " Is there something I should know?"

"No, not really - it's just that she's underage and I don't want either of you getting into trouble."

"You're so much more caring lately; I can't tell you what a relief it is." Mum hugged me to her. "I thought I was losing you over the summer, Jeffrey." She smiled. "I'm sorry, should I be calling you Denise - I'd like to."

"Are you sure? This whole business must be a bit of a shock - if you feel awkward about it ..."

"Go and make a cup of tea for your mum, Denise."

I didn't argue.

 

Chapter 12

"It's Friday, I'm in love."

"You're so cheerful, Jeffrey; I'm amazed - I was expecting a post-Denise hangover."

"How's that?"

"I thought, the morning after the night before, it would be recriminations all the way to school."

"No: things done, cannot be undone, I've decided to have no regrets."

"None at all."

"Well, I'm still concerned about your dad's arm - he's going to be okay, isn't he?"

"Don't worry, sensation is slowly returning - he managed to knock the top off his egg this morning."

"That's a relief," I sighed. "Honestly, I was surprised by his reaction last night. What did he say when you were alone?"

"As long as she doesn't seduce Mikey," Susie smirked, "Denise will be a welcome guest."

"I don't like the sound of your brother - I think it would be better if he and Denise never met."

"We can handle him - not even Hercules can contend against two."

"A big lad, is he?"

"He takes after dad - he's a hairy beast."

"That doesn't sound too good."

"Don't be so gloomy, Jeffrey - just be thankful that I favour mum."

"Yes, what about your mother - how did she react?"

"Oh, she used to be a hairdresser - she's looking forward to your first appointment."

"Aw, Susie!"

"Don't go saying, 'Never again, never again'."

"I'm not. I realise Denise is a very popular girl. I wouldn't want to disappoint you or my mum."

"Or yourself."

"Or myself," I admitted. "But from now on Denise is a stay at home girl - she's definitely not coming out to play."

"Aw, Jeffrey."

"Never mind, 'aw, Jeffrey' - I'm more than ever persuaded that Susie and Denise should take up stamp collecting."

"That sounds dull and pointless," she moaned. "And it's unhygienic - I don't want Denise fiddling around with other people's spit. Apart from mine, that is," she leered.

"Well then, how about dressmaking? I'm prepared to give it a go - I enjoy working with my hands."

Susie looked dubious. "But think of the money you'll save," I continued. "I don't even mind being the model - as long as you're careful where you stick the pins."

"You'll have to spend a lot of time sitting around in my underwear."

"I guess I can grin and bear it."

"I'll think about it, but I still have a yen to go out with Denise - it's such fun."

"Be sensible, Susie: I'll be with you, people know I haven't a twin sister - what are they going to think? And don't say it doesn't matter, because it does - they aren't all Harriets."

"Perhaps Denise could wear dark glasses."

"Yeah, and a pink wig," I mocked.

"Funny you should mention that," she grinned.

"Only in your bedroom, Susie."

"Is that a promise?"

"Yes: if you ever get me up there, that'll be the least of my worries."

"Well, it certainly isn't the only pink thing I have in mind for you."

"Ribbons and bows among them, I hope."

Susie snorted. "Just how long did you spend as Denise last night?"

"Until bedtime and beyond - the amount of money those clothes have cost me, I need to get the wear out of them."

"And what did she do?"

"Watched a film with mum."

"Was it a weepie?"

"Of course not: I've told you before, Susie - I've a strong scientific bent. I won't be indulging in soppy movies or playing with Barbie dolls."

"I should hope not, Jeffrey; you're way too old for that."

"You know what I mean. Anyway I managed to find an old, end of the world, disaster movie - 'The Night of the Comet'. Mum doesn't really like that sort of thing, but I cuddled up to her and let her play with my hair. She was really happy."

"You made a noble sacrifice."

"Oh, I enjoyed it too."

"What about the picture?"

"That was no nonsense Sci-fi - right up my street."

"Who was the girl in it, Jeffrey?"

"Ah well, there were two girls in it - they were sisters."

"Were they attractive?"

"Very." I knew I was entering dangerous waters, but I plunged on. "Just for fun, I made believe you were the older one."

Susie smirked. "What about the stroppy kid sister in the cheerleader outfit?"

"Aaahh, you've seen it - sorry, I didn't mean to bore you."

"Fess up, Jeffrey."

"Okay, okay - I was the little sister."

"And what was your favourite part?"

"If you must know, when they were ransacking the store and 'Girls just want to have fun' was playing."

"There aren't many comedy, end of the world, lesbian sisters, shopping, musical films available."

"They weren't lesbians."

"They were in your mind, Jeffrey."

"If they were, it's your fault."

"Anyway, I hope you made the most of it."

"I did, but I wasn't too keen on the ending."

"Why not?"

"Boys raised their ugly heads and ruined my fantasy. Well, I suppose they had to," I moaned, "survival of the species and all that."

"Cheer up, Jeffrey - we're a special sort of sisters," Susie grinned. "With a little practice, we won't need any outside help."

I laughed and threw caution to the wind. "I've another confession to make. I've indulged in a little training of my own - my first outing in stilettos. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of you."

"Did you fall flat on your backside?"

"No, I didn't. In fact, I don't know what all the fuss is about - I was soon up and down the stairs like a yo-yo."

"Don't get carried away, Jeffrey - that's standard stuff for girls."

"Carrying two trays with a laundry basket on their head and going backwards - I don't think so, Susie."

"I'm sorry to have missed that, Jeffrey."

"That's a treat in store for you then, because from now on, I'll be insisting on high heels for Denise. I only hope you've some proper ones; I don't want to be walking around in tiddly one-inchers."

"Keep on going," Susie ordered and hung back a little. "I thought so: you'll have to watch yourself, because I can detect a pronounced swaying of your hips."

"Oh, that's just for your benefit, I thought you might like a little preview."

"That's fine for Denise, but Jeffrey should exercise a little more restraint."

"I have it under control, but there's really no need to worry - plenty of fellows around here walk with a rolling gait."

"Are you sure? I didn't think it was that kind of a place."

"Yeah," I laughed. "It's my gran's putdown of any big-bummed Hollywood star - 'Look at her, she walks like a deckie' - a deckhand, Susie," I explained, "on a ship."

"I know that," she huffed and then smiled. "That'll never be said of you, Jeffrey - you've an elegant little tush."

"I'll see Denise thanks you for that remark; she likes receiving compliments - especially those kind from you."

Susie gave me a quizzical look. "You are different this morning: what else did you get up to last night?"

"Well, when I was alone in my bedroom, I had a little session in front of the mirror. You know the sort of thing."

"Details, Jeffrey."

"I tried out some feminine gestures," I blushed slightly. "Flirty, feminine gestures, actually - to use on you."

Susie nodded her approval. "Go on."

"Well, I was in full girly mode so I thought it would be a good time for a little experiment."

"You didn't, Jeffrey."

"I did, Susie. I got out my magazine and found a difficult position. I wanted to put Denise to the test - really stretch her to the limits and see how deep a one she could handle."

"You didn't strain anything, did you?" She asked anxiously.

"No, I was surprised at how easily it yielded to my efforts. Everything seemed to pop into place at once. It all came out in one big rush. I was ecstatic."

"Wouldn't it have been better if I'd been there?"

"I don't know about that - it's something I've always done alone, but you're welcome to sit and watch. Although, I can't see it's much of a spectator sport."

"You don't think you're going to prefer it to, you know, me and you?"

"I'm hardly qualified to answer that, but Fischer did once say it was better than intercourse."

"Norbert Fischer, the psychoanalyst."

"No, Robert Fischer, the chess player."

"The what: bloody hell, Jeffrey - what exactly were you up to?"

"I was solving a problem by Kling - ten moves deep, would you believe - and the whole solution came to me in one blinding flash of insight."

"And that's why you're so happy?"

"Well, my biggest worry was that Denise might impair my intellectual ability, but Jeffrey himself couldn't have solved the problem any better - she did him proud."

"She's your ideal woman then."

"Yes, what more could I ask for - breasts and brains."

"You make her sound like one of your vile, local sausages."

"Aw, Susie, don't joke about it - I was really concerned. It's a great relief, but I'm still slightly baffled at her amazing perception."

"Perhaps you're developing female intuition as well."

"I love Denise to bits, but let's not go overboard."

"There's a theory ..."

"You've been googling again - I suppose this is Norbert Fischer talking. Aw, I specifically asked you not to; we're happy together - there's no need to go delving in the undergrowth."

A guilty look crossed her face. "I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault - one link led to another."

"That's the danger of cross-referencing, Susie - you don't know where it will all lead."

"Nuff said, Jeffrey."

The school loomed up ahead. "Are you worried about how Robbie may react?"

"Not really, he's hardly going to risk his love for ladyboys becoming known. Anyway, all I did was chastely spurn his advances, you're the one who wrecked his car."

"Defending your honour, don't forget."

"Which wouldn't have been at risk in the first place, but for your driving mania. I just hope you've learned your lesson."

"A patch of soft sand caught me out, but I didn't panic - even though we may have taken to air for a while. I brought off a perfect emergency landing - I slid us to safety."

"I have to agree: it felt like we were coming in on a wing and a prayer - but you were as much a passenger as anyone."

"Phooey."

"Well, it's made me think. I was happy for you to be the number one driver in the family, but now I'm not so sure."

"Don't say that, I'm really looking forward to driving Denise around."

"You can forget that: Susie and Denise aren't participating in any extreme sports."

"Aw, that's my car fantasy up the spout."

"Not necessarily: Denise was looking forward to finding paradise by the dashboard light - you'll just have to ravish her in the safety of the garage."

"I can still strap her down in the seatbelt."

"Yes: as tight as you like - and you can bugger up the buckle."

Susie punched me on the arm. "You're a sport, Jeffrey."

"I'm a bloody fool: I should be concentrating on getting through the day unscathed - I've put a lot of people's noses out of joint this week."

"I've heard rumblings and I've a plan. If anyone tries anything, we should show no mercy - dish it out hot and strong as an example to the others. Show them that it doesn't pay to mess with Susie and Jeffrey."

"But ..."

"Too late now, there goes the bell - come on."

Harriet greeted us with a huge grin as we entered the form room. "My favourite people - I can hardly wait to tell you about me and Max, but best wait till break when we can have a bit of privacy," she winked.

"That's fine by me, an ounce of discretion is worth a pound of wit, isn't it, Susie?"

Before she could answer, Harriet pointed to where Robbie's head poked out above a curious crowd. "What do you know about that?"

"He's lost some hair at the front, Jeffrey - and there's something else peculiar about him."

"He's lost his eyebrows, Susie. How on earth could that have happened?"

"A little thing like that and he looks - what's the word?"

"Unfinished, Susie - unfinished." An unpleasant thought occurred to me and I pressed my lips to her ear. "When you go to work on Denise, please don't get carried away."

"You'll only need a token pluck - so you can say 'been there, done that'."

"What are you two whispering about?"

Susie grinned. "We were just saying that he's more orang-utan than gorilla now - if only we had some orange hair-dye."

Harriet giggled. "That would be funny."

"Really funny," Susie laughed.

I was worried where this might lead, but fortunately Fairy Nuff, our form master, arrived and called for order.

"Fair enough - settle down now."

"I can't thank you two enough. Max and I are like that." Harriet crossed her fingers. "He's a real boyfriend - none of your Robbie nonsense."

"Where did you go?" Susie asked.

"MacDonald's - proper food - not a banana in sight. He knows how to treat a girl and what's more his dad owns a farm. I'm not being mercenary, but it does add to the attraction."

"What did he say about me and Susie?"

"Oh, he's quite in awe of the pair of you - he thinks you're rampant lesbians." she hesitated. "I'm worried that with us all being friends, he's bound to run into Jeffrey sooner or later."

"Do me a favour, Harriet," I sighed, "tell Max the truth - I don't want to be forever dodging him."

"You don't have to," Susie interrupted. "We can make him believe Denise likes to dress as Jeffrey."

"No, I'm not comfortable with that, besides I don't want any more complications." I smiled at Harriet. "I'm sure I couldn't have a more sympathetic advocate - Max will probably send me a huge bunch of flowers."

"You can rely on me." She opened her arms. "I won't let a sister down."

Susie gave the thumbs up and joined us in a three-way hug. "Say something, Jeffrey."

"This is a damn sight better than a rugger scrum."

We broke up and Harriet excused herself. "I know it's awful of me, but I've got to tell Linda the good news - well, rub her nose in it, actually - the crap I've had to put up with from her."

We waved our goodbyes and Susie started singing.

"Don't be silly, Susie - they've only just met and they're only sixteen."

"I have a nose for these things: Max has had it - you can look forward to being a bridesmaid."

"Is this before or after we're married?"

"Oh, they'll beat us to the altar, Jeffrey. I don't rush into things - I'm a cautious soul."

"Do you feel okay, Susie?"

"You may have been reckless," she snorted, "asking Harriet to tell Max. After she's added her Chinese whisper to my little fantasy, he'll probably be more confused than you."

"He's probably seen all sorts down on the farm - it won't faze him."

"I hope you're right, Jeffrey."

"I'd better be, because Max has probably gelded a fair few piglets in his time."

"The way things have been going for you," she grinned, "it may be a wise precaution to have some sperm frozen."

"Cheer me up, Susie."

"Okay, altogether now."

After dinner, I met up with Susie on the school field.

"Glenn Rickman's a weird character, isn't he? Sometimes when I look at him," she made a pair of glasses with her fingers, "I think I'm wearing X-ray specs."

"I know - he does a good impression of the visible man. He was excused games for the first few years, but he's never missed a single day of school - he's never had so much as a cold."

"He gives me the shivers - I wouldn't like to shake his hand - if you know what I mean."

"Yes, he's fond of his creepy-crawlies. Is he still going around with a pocketful of maggots?"

"No, Jeffrey, not that - use your imagination."

"Oh, that - well, I don't see much of him now and I can't say I'm sorry."

"He brought his new pets along to dinner. They were sitting on his shoulders, the whole meal, nibbling away at lettuce leaves and chattering away."

"That's strange grub for parrots - if he's not careful he'll end up with a pair of Norwegian Blues."

"They're locusts, Jeffrey - he's breeding them for his biology project. He invites all the girls to watch them coupling, while he makes lewd remarks and let's his hands wander."

"They haven't wandered your way, have they?"

"No fear, I would have decked him then and there."

"That's why I'm glad we've gone our separate ways."

"What's this - another one of your secret admirers?"

I pulled a face. "Don't even joke about it, Susie. He had, what I thought was, an unhealthy interest in female anatomy. I know boys are fascinated by that kind of thing, but there are limits." I shrugged. "Maybe I'm a bit of a prude."

"You certainly don't behave that way with me."

"That's an entirely different matter - our relationship is a thing of beauty."

"And a joy forever."

"And a day."

"Come on, you slushy bugger," Susie grinned and turned towards the biology labs.

"Why are we going this way?"

"Rickman's holding court, showing off his little friends - it might be interesting to see what's happening."

"I'd rather not; I don't like anything that looks at me sideways."

"Courage, mon brave - follow my lead."

There was quite a crowd gathered around the locusts' quarters. One of Slope's friends greeted us. "Here are a couple more girls you can make squeal, Glenn."

Susie grabbed my hand. "This is our chance to put a few people in their place."

"Remember, we don't want to kill anybody," I whispered.

We pushed our way to the front where Rickman was threatening to put a locust in some poor girl's hair. When I saw it was Linda, I wasn't too unhappy, but Susie had other ideas. "Make him drop it, Jeffrey."

I grabbed his wrist and squeezed on the bones. "Aargh, bloody hell," he screamed.

Susie scooped up the dropped locust. "You think these are scary - I'll show you scary, you little shite."

"Please, don't lose your head - he's not worth it."

"I'm not losing my head, Jeffrey - but this is."

She pushed the locust in her mouth and bit down.

"Oh, Susie." I watched her take a couple of chomps.

"Crunchy nut."

"What have you done to Charlie!" Rickman wailed.

He tried to recover the remains, but Susie batted him away. "Over to you, Jeffrey."

She threw the twitching body to me. "You know what to do, Jeffrey, while I deal with this little sod."

"Watch the girly-boy faint," came a voice from behind me.

I'm a bit faddy about my food, but I put my faith in Susie's good taste "What has no head needs no heart," I cried. I took a bite, had a quick chew and swallowed.

I turned to face my tormentor. "I would have preferred it with a chocolate coating - how about you?"

I shoved the remnants in his mouth and held his nose. "Lucky you, you've got the bit that shits."

He gagged and vomited up his dinner. I was well out of the way - I can't afford to lose any more kit.

"Never touched me," I yelled as various bits of puke flew over one of his friends.

I heard a shriek and saw Susie send Rickman flying into his tank. Over it went - there was a chorus of yells as the room filled with flying insects.

"Time to vamoose, Jeffrey, our enemies have had a plague of locusts visited upon them."

"I'm right with you, mind you don't step in the sick."

Susie caught a terrified Linda by the arm. "Help her along, it won't do us any harm to be good Samaritans."

We emerged into the schoolyard. "Oh my God, thanks you two, I was terrified in there." She brushed the front of her hair. "Check the back, will you please, Susie."

"All clear - you're bug free."

Linda slumped against the wall. "You're a couple of unlikely rescuers."

"We know where our loyalties lie, don't we, Jeffrey?"

"It's becoming ever clearer to me where mine lie, Susie."

We walked Linda to her next class. "Thanks again," she mumbled, "I won't forget this, see you."

"We've a new friend, Jeffrey."

"And some new enemies."

"We're not going to let ourselves be intimidated by anyone." Susie's fierce look was replaced with a grin. "It couldn't have worked out better really - they won't know what to expect next."

"I hope you know what you're doing."

"Leave it to me, being unpredictable has its advantages. I know a thing or two about psychological warfare."

"That sounds less hazardous - I think we should use our brains rather than brute force. Just don't forget to keep me informed."

Susie gave a conspiratorial smile. "It's useful everyone thinks you're a super nerd with access to all that stuff in the chemistry and physics labs."

"What exactly do you mean?" I asked anxiously.

"You know: bottles marked poison and boxes with a skull and crossbones on them." She waved both hands. "Oooh scary."

I started in alarm. "Whatever you want me to do, it's out of the question."

"You don't have to do anything - the potential is enough. I've dropped a few hints and let imagination do the rest." She smirked. "It worked like a charm."

"What do you mean?"

"Slope noticed an extra white topping on his dinner after I'd been hovering round."

"Did he fall for it, Susie?"

"Well, he had a sudden loss of appetite, when he saw it frothing and me smiling."

"It was only bicarbonate of soda, wasn't it?"

"Of course, Jeffrey - and don't worry the meal wasn't wasted. The Hoover said it was an improvement when he was wolfing down all the leftovers."

"I never knew he did that - you miss a lot, not staying for dinner."

"Yes, you don't need a dustbin with someone like him around - he sucks the lot up."

"So that's how he got his nickname - I had been hoping he might latch onto Robbie."

"Sorry to dash your hopes, but there's only one kind of banana he's interested in."

"Never mind, at least you had some success with Slope."

"Too right - I'll soon have him developing paranoid tendencies."

"You can have that effect on people."

"I hope you're not having those feelings, Jeffrey."

"I did at first, but I'm way beyond that now; I've become something of a fatalist."

"Whatever, but I was proud how you followed my lead with the locust." We linked arms. "Doesn't it give you a warm feeling, our unswerving loyalty to each other?"

"I suppose it does."

"We're like Thelma and Louise," she smiled. "It's one of my favourite films - especially the ending."

"I've never seen it, but I like to picture us walking hand in hand into the sunset - is that what they do?"

"No, Jeffrey, they drive off a cliff."

"Well, I hope they were wearing their seatbelts, Susie."

It's English: what a waste of time - I'd hoped to be free of all this nonsense, but they insist on it and a general studies class as well - they want to turn out well-rounded individuals.

I shouldn't complain though, it gives me the opportunity to play footsie with Susie while old Bossom jabbers on about poetry.

"Who knows what onomatopoeia is?"

"Sounds like something an incontinent cat might suffer from," I whispered.

"Not as bad as inacupateapoeia, Jeffrey."

We both stifled a laugh, but not too successfully.

"Smith and Jones, would you like to let us in on the joke?"

"Sorry sir: you reminded us of a funny experience we once shared," Susie offered.

"An intimate one, I bet," some wit shouted out to a chorus of sniggers.

"Shut up, boy." Bossom threw his book at the offender.

He's retiring at Christmas; I think he may be demob happy.

"I'll see you two after class."

He went to recover his book and aimed a swipe at a couple of heads. He's definitely cracking up. Although I have to admit, he certainly knows how to recite poetry. I wish he'd read aloud the whole lesson.

We were treated to his rendition of Dover Beach. Not the happiest choice, you would have thought, considering my recent experiences. At the end, I had a tear in my eye - but I was comforted by Susie holding my hand.

"Come on, Jeffrey - let's get our reward."

"Here you are, Miss Jones," he handed Susie a large envelope. "It was a good deal of trouble, but everything's now in your name. Just remember, I'm expecting great things from you."

"You can rely on us, sir - we won't let the school down."

"I'm sure you won't. To tell the truth, I'm glad Slope suggested that you take his place, I'd much rather see your picture in the local paper."

I was beginning to feel alarmed - Susie's been keeping something from me.

"I'll see that I mention the support the school gave me."

"I look forward to one of our pupil's scoring an intellectual success - let's show the rugger lot how to win something."

"With Jeffrey's support, the trophy is as good as mine."

Old Bossom waved us out. "One last thing, whatever you do - don't get caught."

Susie waved the envelope under my nose. "Five hundred pounds, Jeffrey - how does that grab you?"

"What is it and what's Slope got to do with it?"

"My entry for the minor tournament at the chess congress in Shoreham this weekend - I'm taking his place."

"He's set you up - we can't pull that trick there."

"We won't have to - how do you feel about being a boy named Susie?"

"This is more of your madness. They hold it at that great big hotel, Westbourne Towers. All kinds of things go on there at weekends - it'll be heaving with people."

"Calm down, I've a cunning plan - you'll marvel as it unfolds."

"Unravels, more likely," I muttered.

"Less of the male chauvinism, Jeffrey. You're not the only one capable of a bit of crafty scheming."

"Sorry, Mr Phelps."

"This isn't Mission Impossible."

"I hope not, because something unexpected always buggers up their efforts."

"But they always overcome any little local difficulties, as I'm sure you will if anyone throws a spanner in the works."

"With my luck, it'll be a monkey-wrench and a bloody big one at that."

"We can cope, Jeffrey. Don't forget we've approval from above."

"God may be on your side, Susie, but he's certainly not on mine."

"Not God, old Bossom."

"He's losing his marbles," I said in exasperation. "Throwing a book at a pupil, that's pretty much a hanging offence. He's only three months to go - maybe he wants to spend them suspended on full pay."

"Don't be such a pessimist. Jeffrey. When I've explained everything, you can make some suggestions," Susie coaxed. She glanced along the corridor. "The coast is clear - are you skipping P.E.?"

"I certainly am."

"Me too: preparing for this takes priority. I need to do some shopping - thanks to your mum, I'm getting two bites at the cherry."

"Are you going to let me in on your master plan, Susie?"

"All in good time, Jeffrey - I'm still refining one or two details."

I shrugged - if I had my way, I'd refine it out of existence. "Where are we going?"

"The bus stop."

"I'd rather walk: why waste money on fares?"

"We are walking." Susie put her arm around my waist. "Come on, Jeffrey - what's good for the goose ..."

"I know, is good for the goose."

She laughed. "This is better than being in the gym with a bunch of half-naked boys, isn't it?"

"If you only knew - the first year, I shit myself silly every Wednesday morning."

Susie squeezed me to her and we continued into town, our hands straying occasionally.

"Here we are." 'THE BUSTOP' was a lingerie shop. "Heaven is a place on Earth, Jeffrey."

"I'm not going in there."

"Don't be silly, women's underwear doesn't scare you."

"But this isn't a big store, where we can browse anonymously, it's an intimate little shop - we'll get personal attention."

The bell jangled as she opened the door. "After you."

"They won't want boys in here."

"Come right in, I don't mind a young couple shopping together."

I stumbled in, helped by a shove from Susie. "Hey, this is a treasure trove, Jeffrey - we'll find something to suit both of us in here."

The woman who greeted us was certainly keen on perfume and makeup. Worse, from the curious look she gave me, I suspected I might be in trouble. "What can I interest you in?"

"I want a bustier to wear at a party - one that gives a bit of help."

"Let's see." After some rooting around, she placed three before me. "Which one do you like best?"

I began to suspect a prior arrangement - surely she doesn't get many sixteen year old boys as customers. "Oh, that one." I indicated the nearest and to my surprise, Susie disappeared into a changing room to try it on.

I shuffled around trying not to show much of an interest in anything. "Don't be nervous, you're among friends."

"Has Susie been here before?"

"We've all been here before, Jeffrey." She leaned over the counter and whispered. "You, of all people, must be aware of a previous incarnation - I can see a strong female aura hovering over you."

I hurriedly stepped back from under the hanging bras. I was searching for a diplomatic reply when Susie waltzed across the floor.

"What does this do for you, Jeffrey?"

"It's a bit revealing," I gulped, "will you be ... er, comfortable wearing it."

"I want my clothes to make an impression. You're not embarrassed by it, are you?"

"No, not at all - I'd just prefer it was for my eyes only."

Susie turned to the owner. "If you've another like it, I'll take them both."

The woman gave me a knowing wink, but I'm becoming blushproof. I edged towards the door. "There's something I have to pick up for mum, I'll see you outside."

I didn't go far; I was enjoying the window display, when Susie came out. "Caught you at it, Jeffrey."

"Just looking - I may be thinking about your Christmas present."

"The cute babydoll dress is nice. I could wear my black trouser suit."

I flicked nervously at my hair. "I don't know about that. There's no danger of you wanting to put on a moustache and stuffing a sock down your pants, is there?"

"None at all, Jeffrey."

"That's a weight off my mind," I confessed. "Just stick to playing Miss Bossy Boots."

"I don't know what you mean," she snorted, "come on, stop drooling over that dress, we have to get home." She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me away.

"I was only thinking - 'if things carry on as they have, Susie will have me wearing that frock to school'," I explained.

"If that's you want, Jeffrey, we can come back anytime," she smiled. "Miss Kershaw's taken quite a shine to you."

"I wish she hadn't," I groaned. "Did she offer to tell your fortune or anything? I think she may be a bit doolally."

"Just because she picked up on Denise," Susie huffed. "You see I'm not the only one with girl sensory perception."

"Have it your way. Frankly, I'm amazed to have come out of there, Jeffrey intacto. I can't believe that I've been out with you and I still have all my clothes - not to mention all my money."

"Miracles will never cease," Susie smirked.

"We'll probably need one," I groaned. "I suppose one of those tops is for me."

"You mean you hope one of those bustiers is for you - and the mini-skirt and high heels to go with it."

"Not if it's part of your half-baked scheme for this weekend. Yesterday was bad enough, but to be marooned miles from home in that sort of outfit - it doesn't bear thinking about."

She put her arm around my shoulder. "You should show more faith in me, Jeffrey."

"Where love is, there is faith, Susie."

She took my hand. "That's a lovely thought, Jeffrey."

"Well," I sighed, "if the worst does happen, I shouldn't have any difficulty in hitching a lift."