by Little Katie

Chapter 8
The Final Out

---

This is my longest chapter by far, and also the most difficult to write.

---

 
Monday finally arrived, the weekend had sounded its last note. Emily watched television in the den as her mother sat crocheting some booties.

"Mom, do we have enough pairs?" Emily said making half a joke out of it; her mom had finally got the hang of it and was making real progress.

"Probably, but I just feel the need to be ready."

"Me too," Emily replied.

"Really, why?"

"Well, I spent most this time gearing up to be a big brother, now I guess I have to gear up to be a big sister," Emily said somberly.

"I think you will just do fine."

"I guess."

"Quit guessing," Mom corrected.

"Well, I think I'll be doing stuff that I wasn't planning on doing."

"Like what?"

"Baby sitting, changing him, helping you feed him."

"Oh, you weren't going to do that before."

"Heck no, I figured I didn't have to."

"Do you think you 'have' to now?" Mom emphasized.

"I kind of want to." Emily smiled slightly. Her mom beckoned her over. She went and stood by the side of the chair.

"You're a sweetie." Vivian said as she rubbed her daughter's head.

"Sometimes."

"Yes, true, sometimes." Mom teased. "We have a little while before Dad comes home and you two have to head to the banquet, want to learn something?"

"Yeah, sure." Emily said excitedly.

"Go upstairs and get the doll on the bed and bring down the diaper bag."

Emily ran upstairs as quick as her little legs could take her. She found the items that her mom requested. She came back down to the den and saw her mom waiting.

"Okay, Emily, lay the doll on the floor."

Emily, treating the doll as if it was an actual living being, gently placed the doll on the floor. She was very careful of the head, wanting to show mom that she was capable of doing this.

"Good job, now pull the two snaps in front apart and move them out of the way."

Emily found the two snaps, a bit of material concealed them from ordinary view. She fumbled a little trying to get them off, but with a little work they did separate. She pulled the onsie apart revealing a small disposable diaper.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Emily looked back and smiled at her mother. "No, just the snaps are so little."

"You'll get used to it. Now, find the little plastic tabs and pull them apart."

The tape part was clearly visible, Emily pulled it apart, using a little care. She was enjoying herself, she didn't realize playing such a game could be fun. "Too think, soon I will be doing this for real," she thought.

"Okay, good job," Mom praised, making Emily feel proud inside. "Now pull down the top part of the diaper, air it out." Mom laughed.

Emily did just as her mom had said. She noticed, to her surprise, the doll looked like a boy.

"Hey, it's got a pee-pee."

"It's called anatomically correct."

"It's cute."

"Hush that talk, or I'll crack you, are you going to think that way 'if' you change your brother."

"No, ma'am, I'm sorry, it just surprised me."

"Okay then, if we can have no more of that we can continue."

"Yes, Mommy."

"Yes, Mommy," Vivian mimicked. "Now grab both legs and gently lift him in the air."

Emily followed with the utmost care, trying to overcome her previous error. She had the baby's bottom in the air. Her mom instructed her to remove the diaper and she did that as well.

"Now, get a baby wipe," Mom continued to instruct, "Wipe down there very good, if not the baby can get a rash and then we will be up all night."

Emily washed the baby's bottom. Getting both the butt and penis. Her mom looked on, making sure she didn't focus on one spot a bit too long.

"Good girl."

Emily paused slightly. She had never heard that compliment before, but she didn't mind it.

"Now," Mom continued, "Place a clean diaper under the baby, make sure that you spread it out before hand."

Emily lifted the baby's bottom up, using the same method as before. Using her free hand she slid a diaper under the doll, spread out the tabs and lowered the doll again.

"O.K, now put the front back up and then tape it snuggly."

Emily did just that, covering the doll's middle and then taping the diaper into place. The job she did was admirable, especially for a first timer.

"Wow, you are a natural." Mom congratulated.

"Thanks."

"Too bad you can't have any of your own." Her mom said callously.

Emily looked down at the doll, admiring her work. "Yeah, too bad," She said sadly to herself.

"Okay, take everything upstairs and get ready for the banquet."

"Yes, Mom." Emily walked slowly up the stairs, feeling somewhat dejected by what her mom had said. She held the doll, as if it were a real baby, the diaper bag slung over her back.

"Good, she is upset about going to this stupid thing and pretending to be John." Her mom thought to herself. "She knows she is happier living the truth, this should be the end of those charades though."

Emily placed the supplies back on her mom's bed and shuffled her feet back to her room. She closed the door behind her gently, gathering herself. She turned and looked at herself in the mirror. "I guess I won't ever have kids now," she thought.

She saw the pretty girl staring back at her in the mirror. "You want to have a baby when you grow up don't you?" The girl in the mirror nodded. "You would be a good mommy too, won't you?" Again the girl in the mirror nodded. "Well too bad, you don't exist." Emily pulled off her yellow dress and threw it across the room, it landed in a heap on the windowed bench. She hastened to get her uniform. Without looking in the mirror, nor caring to, she buttoned up the jersey and threw on her pants. She found her old pair of tennis shoes and put them on as well. "This will get rid of that silly girl," Emily said to herself. She turned and faced the mirror.

"Ack, what are you still doing here?" She looked and saw the little girl in John's baseball uniform.

"Go away, you're not wanted here." Emily walked up and hit the mirror. Luckily, it didn't break. The girl just looked angrily back at her. "I'll get you." Emily mussed up her hair, pushing the bangs to the back, making it look as boyish as possible. Then she put on her baseball cap.

"See, I'm a boy." she told the girl in the mirror. "Now, go away."

Emily turned and went to her dresser. She took the two fighter planes down and started racing around the room. She enacted a marvelous dog-fight. There were barrel rolls and loop-the-loops. "Rat-tat-tat-tat." Emily cried out, simulating machine gun fire. "Evasive maneuvers," she yelled, causing the lead plane to make a sharp bank. "Switching to heat seeking missiles"

The door opened up, her mom stood in the entrance way. "What in the world are you doing?"

"Playing," Emily said as she paused.

"Look at that foolishness that you have in your hands."

"These are my planes, I like them."

"Those are not appropriate toys for a young lady, wouldn't you rather play with the doll some more?"

"No! I'm not a young lady, I'm a boy." Emily yelled out.

"No, Emily, you were a boy. Now, you are not."

"I'm not Emily, my name is John." He yelled back.

Emily didn't see the hand that came at her until it was too late. Her face stung from the smack that her mother gave her, she could feel her cheek already getting red. "Enough, another word out of you and you won't go tonight, you understand, young lady?" Mom scolded her, emphasizing the word lady.

Emily nodded, she knew that when her mom made a threat, that if you took her up on it, she would follow through.

"Now, go downstairs, your father's waiting. Remember to hand out the invitations to your party tonight. We are going to be making a lot of arrangements and it would be a pity if no one showed."

Emily nodded once more.

"Now go, and be a good little girl at the party." Her mother rubbed it in some more.

Emily huffed out of the room and down the stairs.

"That girl's got to learn her place in this world, she's got to be taught a lesson." Her mother said to herself.

At the front door John waited for his little girl. He saw her huff down the stairs.

"There's my princess, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, okay." Emily said as she got closer.

"What's this on your face?"

"Mom hit me."

John looked up the stairs, debating with himself if he should have a word with his wife. He decided that it would be better if he let things cool off.

Emily walked out to the car and let herself in, slamming the door behind her. John who was going to open the door for her, walked around the car and got in.

"You sure you don't want to talk about it Emily?"

"No," Emily made a growling sound, "Can we just go."

"Yes, we can, but can I ask you something?"

"It's not like I can stop you?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"No." Emily said, pouting and looking straight forward
out the window.

"Oh, I could almost be sure that you were really mad at me."

"Why?"

"Because you certainly are taking your anger out on me, so I figured I must have done something really bad to you."

"No, Dad you didn't," Emily calmed down. "I'm sorry, it's just mom, she makes me so mad sometimes."

"What happened? Let's talk about it now, deal with it now, and then we can enjoy the rest of the evening. If not, it will just eat away at you, and you'll stay mad, and you might miss out on some real fun."

The logic appealed to Emily, now that it had been explained to her calmly. "It's just Mom, she's got to say this is for girls and this is for boys, and you aren't a boy anymore and you can't do boy things. It's not like I can do everything every girl can do either. Then she calls me Emily in such a voice, makes me feel mad, then I said 'I'm John,' cause its like she forgot all about him and me being the same. Then she hits me."

"Do you want me to call you John?"

"No, it's not that, it's just her."

"Well, she's having a hard time, just like we all are, we just handle it different."

"But do I have to stop doing everything I like?"

"No, you've got to realize, her mom and dad were very strict and raised her to think some things were for boys and some things were for girls. Like being a police officer or soldier, she thinks those are only for men, but you know what?"

"What?"

"There are many fine police officers and soldiers that are women now, those barriers don't exist."

"Even fighter pilots?"

"Even fighter pilots."

Emily smiled, John knew that she had a love for planes, he was glad he could make his little girl smile. He reached over and wiped a tear from her eye.

"Still daddy's little girl? Or you don't want to be that anymore?"

"No, I want to be. I like that part of all this." Emily reached over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Let's move out." Her dad said as he put the car into gear and they headed towards the banquet.

"Have a look at the invitations, they are in the small
box in the back seat." John told his daughter as they stopped for at a light. Emily reached back and removed an envelope.

"You are cordially invited to a party at the Corsi home, please come for a big announcement. Cake, food, fun and rides for everyone." Emily read the shiny red lettering out loud.

"What you think?"

"I like them, it doesn't give anything away."

"I thought so, too, one of my friends at work made them up."

"Do I know him?"

"No, but his boy dresses like you and we have grown to be good friends since this happened."

"Dresses like me? He plays baseball?"

"No, the other stuff you wear."

"Oh, he had an accident too?"

"Not exactly. Let's just say, for him, the accident was being born a boy."

Emily didn't really understand but said okay anyway.

"You might turn out to be really good friends."

"Maybe."

Her father pulled into the restaurant parking lot, most everyone else had already arrived. They walked in and went to the back where the little league team was holding their banquet. It was a closed off section, more for keeping the kids out of the customer's hair then vice versa.

Emily separated from her dad and went to mingle. Her dad went to converse with some of the other parents. The music blared, making it hard to hear oneself think. The facility was plain except for the occasional group of balloons. The food was laid out buffet style, consisting of mostly kid favorites. There were hotdogs and hamburgers and chips, not much for nutrition.

Emily wasn't all that hungry so she retrieved the box of invitations from her dad and got busy handing out some of the invitations to her teammates. If they asked any questions, she just told them it would be a party for what she had to go through in the hospital. She thought that it was a pretty honest answer, while at the same time it didn't reveal the complete nature of the surprise. She came up to Sean, and smiled slightly.

"Do I get one?" Sean asked.

"Yeah." Emily answered looking down.

"You still mad at me."

"No, not really, it was just weird being around everyone again."

"I am sorry if I didn't pay more attention to you, it looked like you were getting swamped when you first got there."

"No, it was okay, I didn't mind that."

"Okay, guess you were just having a bad day."

"I guess." Emily said, realizing that Sean probably didn't have anything to do with the coaches action.

"I hear that everyone is going to get a trophy."

"What one did you get?"

"Probably loudest mouth." Sean laughed, Emily laughed with him.

Emily went around, handing out the rest of the invitations. The music died down.

"Settle down," the coach said while getting up to the podium, "Can I have your attention?"

The kids all stopped what they were doing, and settled down in their seats.

"That's better. Okay, thanks to all the parents for coming, and for all you kids for a great year. We all had fun didn't we?"

Some of the children cheered, Emily just sat back soaking it all in.

"Okay, everyone gets a small trophy for being a part of
the team, but we have a few special awards to give out first."

The coach went on to give the usual awards that accompany a sports banquet. Charlie got the award for most valuable play, Greg got the award for most improved, and Sean got the award for sportsmanship. The sportsmanship really shocked Sean. "Why?" Sean asked.

"Well, for all the comments you made, we figured you deserved one for not getting into a brawl." The coach laughed. "No honestly folks, for all the comments he makes, Sean here probably has the most number of friends that are on other teams. We all know he does it in fun, and so do they, and it makes for a more entertaining evening."

Sean beamed confidently and smiled as he walked back to his table. He shook the award at his dad and mouthed, "Look!"

"O.K, now not everyone can get a trophy like that, but like I said every receives one for being on the team. The only fair way to do this is by alphabetical order."

Emily knew her name was near the top of the list. The coach went through all the names with A's and B's and Emily got to the edge of her seat to walk up like everyone else. The coach was running down the names with C and then jumped to D without calling out her name.

"He forgot me," she thought, "that jerk."

The rest of the team got called up to receive their awards and no one remained but Emily. She figured it just must have been a mistake.

"Okay, we got one more award. This person had a lot of personal stuff happen to them towards the end of the season."

"Phew," Emily thought, "I thought I would have to beg for one."

"Now, for the award for most changed, Emily Corsi."

The room got completely quiet for a second. Then the children began to ask each other questions. They knew the last name but not the first. Emily sat still in her chair and hoped that she didn't hear what she thought she heard.

"Don't be shy, princess, come get your award."

Emily slowly stood up and walked up to the front in a fog. Her teammates looked at each other in disbelief.

"Okay, let me explain. We all know that 'John'," the coach made the quotation marks with his finger,s "was in an accident, but one of the things you didn't know was that they had to make him into a girl."

The team started to laugh at her, "I can't believe this," she thought to herself.

"Hey," Charlie yelled out, "He use to throw like a girl, now his body caught up."

The team just laughed all the more.

"Now batting, Betty Crocker," Charles laughed a bit louder and the team joined in.

Emily grabbed her trophy, her face burning red with anger and embarrassment.

"Oh no, she's getting mad, better watch out or she'll slap you." Charles continued relentless, then the coach gave him a look that he better cool it.

Emily slowly made it back to her table, each person that she passed snickered a little. She sat down and put her head in her hands.

"I can't believe that jerk," Emily thought, "telling everyone now. Why couldn't he wait? What an asshole, I should find a gun and shoot him. No, I should cut his thing off and see how that makes him feel." Emily wanted to cry, but knew that would cause the teasing to never end. Maybe she could play it off somehow.

"Okay," the coach called out, "you guys have another hour to enjoy yourselves." He cut the microphone off and the music went back to its defining level. Emily watched her dad make a bee line up to the coach. He could see them yelling at each other, but Emily couldn't tell if it was in anger or just because of the music.

"Hey," Charles yelled behind him.

"What?" Emily questioned.

"The girls are over there, why don't you join them?"

"Why don't you shut up?"

"No, faggot, why don't you try to make me."

Emily quickly assessed the situation, Charles was bigger and stronger then her. Plus, he had all his friends with him. Emily could never get that much support to protect her.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, I would, make your move."

"Get out of my way, moron."

"What are you going to do, run to daddy like a little sissy? Yeah, that's what you are going to do. I bet he likes you like a girl. I bet he fucks you good, you little faggot, I bet you like it, too."

The kids that joined Charles laughed, each calling her a faggot or a slut. Emily pushed her way passed Charles and started making her way to her dad.

"Look at the slut go, she can't get enough of daddy's dick." The group laughed, Emily pretended like she didn't hear it. She found her dad still talking or yelling at the coach. Whatever they were saying stopped as Emily got near.

"Dad, can we go?" Emily yelled over the music.

"Yes, in a second, why don't you meet me by the car?"

Emily took the keys and made her way into the parking lot. She unlocked the door in case she needed to jump in, but decided to stand in the night air and wait.

"John, oh, I mean Emily," someone called out.

"What?" Emily asked nastily, thinking she was going to have to get into a fight as she turned around. It was Sean.

"I just wanted to talk."

"Want to make fun of me like the rest of them?"

"Why?"

"It's what you do best."

"When people are in the mood for it."

"Well, everyone is sure in the mood, come on give me one of your great one liners."

"Why didn't you tell me in the hospital?"

"Oh, right. Have this happen that much sooner. How dumb do you think I am?"

"I don't know, how dumb are you?" Sean made an attempt at a joke.

"Go to hell." Emily said as she entered the car and locked herself in.

Sean walked back to the party, not really sure what to think. A short while later her dad came out, carrying the trophy that Emily forgot.

"You okay, sweetie?" Dad asked as he buckled up.

"Yeah, just peachy." Emily spat out in anger.

"Want to talk?"

"No!" Emily kept her face forward and her features stern.

"You sure?"

"Just drive, Dad, just let's get home, okay?"

"Okay," her dad started the car. "Let her fume, let her fight it out in her head," he thought. "Let her stay mad a little while and not push her. That moron, I should have laid him out right there, he had no right putting her on the spot like that. Yeah, real good, John, go and get yourself arrested, that would have helped."

Emily sat in the car motionless. The rage in her head blocked out any hope of thinking. She just knew one thing, she was mad. She knew why she was mad, but she couldn't think about solving the problem before her. The fact was, she was angry and she was going to stay that way.

The ride was quiet, and the silence made it seem that much longer.

"Dad?" Emily asked, softly

"Yes, sweet pea?"

"Can I invite Jessie over for the night?"

"Sure, I think that would be fine."

"Good." Emily went back to staring out the window.

"Good indeed," John thought, "let Jessie come over, the two can talk things out, say things that she wouldn't readily tell me. She'll get it out of her system and then it will be in the past. Jessie has been accepting and supportive throughout this whole thing. Emily needs someone like that, that isn't family."

They finally arrived home, it was the quietest trip ever in that car. Emily got out of the car on her own and the two entered the house, not a word was said between them.

"How was the banquet?" Mom asked.

"Don't ask." Emily replied.

"Well, I did, what happened?"

"The dumb coach called me Emily when giving out my trophy."

"So, that is your name isn't it?" Mom replied.

"He didn't have to tell everyone, I wanted to do that myself."

"Well, maybe he didn't know you were still lying to people."

"He shouldn't have known himself." Emily said, thinking that she didn't tell him.

"Well, he needed to, he's an adult."

"Barely, Mom."

"You watch how you talk about your elders."

"Well, why did he have to use the name Emily, anyway?"

"Because I told him to. How long did you think you were going to live this charade anyway?"

"You, you, you told him to do this?"

"Yes, I most certainly did, you strutting around like something you aren't."

"God damn it, Mom."

Vivian had heard enough, she took the back of her hand and slapped Emily. Emily fell back into the wall and then down to the floor. She grabbed her head, at her scar, her mom had inadvertently hit it. Her dad knelt quickly to the floor to check that she was okay.

"Jesus, Viv, do you ever think before you do anything."

Vivian knelt to the floor, "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to hit you on your wound, but you had a slap coming to you. Young lady's do not use such language, and no child of mine is going to, either."

Emily was about to yell something back, but her father squeezed her arm causing her to pause.

"Emily," Dad said, "why don't you call Jessie and see if she can spend the night? Then you can get changed and wait in your room, I will send her up when she gets here. Okay?"

"Okay, Daddy," Emily sobbed.

Emily walked off to the other room and waited to dial Jessie. She wanted to stop crying before she did. She also wanted to hear what her parents were saying in the adjacent room.

"You're a real peach, you know that?" John said sarcastically.

"What, what did I do?" Vivian replied.

"I thought you made a deal to wait until the party for her to tell people what happened."

"No, I just said we could have the party, I didn't say she could go on lying to people."

"She didn't lie to anyone."

"Not telling the truth to people is the same as lying."

"You think maybe it just didn't come up, it's not like they could see through the clothes, you know there are two girls on the team, too."

"Yes, but I bet they didn't hide the fact that they were girls though, did they?"

"What are you trying to do, want to make a bad situation worst?"

"No, but I am not going to be a push over and allow the rules we set up to be walked all over because of convenience.'

"What about showing some compassion?"

"The sooner she comes out to everyone, the sooner she'll accept her fate, the sooner she will get comfortable with living life as a girl."

"If she so chooses, remember this is only for a year, then she gets to pick."

"Oh now, honestly, do you think that I'm going to allow her to live a lie the rest of her life?"

"Your amazing, you know that."

"Watch, in the end, you will see my way was right."

"Right, every time she gets comfortable with what she's become, you pull a stunt like tonight. Every time her feminine side comes out you go and do or say something stupid."

"Yes, like her playing with those stupid jet planes was so feminine."

"Look, I am not going to get into a fight with you about sexism or equal rights, because evidently you've been asleep your whole life."

John stormed off upstairs. Vivian went off to the den, smiling to herself. "Men can never get things through their heads. Just wait, in a few weeks when that old 'boy' spirit is broken, you'll be thanking me."

Emily dialed up Jessie and invited her over. Jessie said it would be okay but it would be about an hour before she got there. Emily told her that would be fine and to go straight to her room when she got over.

Emily walked up the stairs, she knocked on her parent's bedroom door.

"Come in, sweet pea."

"Hi, Daddy," Emily said meekly.

"Rough night, huh?"

"I'm sorry you and Mom are fighting over me again."

"Honey, you didn't cause this fight, and we weren't fighting over you, but your Mom's actions to you."

"It's still about me, maybe I should just do whatever she wants, but I don't know what she wants all the time."

"Honey, I don't think she knows what she wants all the time."

"I guess," Emily smiled slightly, "I don't know what I want all the time either."

"I know, it's a hard time, hard time for us all, but we all love each other, and this will pass okay."

"Okay, Daddy."

"What do you want, have you thought about it."

"Sometimes I think about it, and sometimes I want to be a girl and sometimes I want to wake up and find this is just a bad silly dream."

"I understand," her dad opened his arms and hugged her. His hand stroked her hair gently. For a moment Emily felt safe again.

"You know what I want to do now,though?"

"Tell me honey."

"Play war with my toys and get the madness out of me before Jessie comes over."

"Can I play, too? I've got some madness in me, too."

"Yes, let's go."

The two went into Emily's room.

"Let's have a dog fight." Emily announced.

"O.K can I be the Mig?" her dad asked, knowing how Emily loved playing with the F-15.

"Yeah, let me get them." Emily looked on her dresser, but they weren't there. "Mom must have threw them in the toy box, I hope they are okay."

"I'm sure they will be fine."

Emily went over to the toy box and opened it up. To her horror the toy box was empty except for the dolls that Jessie had been loaning her.

"Mom!" Emily cried out.

"Yes?" Her mom said, making her way to the room.

"Where are all my toys?"

"In your toy box, why?"

"All that's in there are Jessie's dolls."

"I know, I figured you would get more stuff on Saturday."

"Where are all my cars and army guys and planes?"

"I gave them to the Salvation Army."

"You did what?" Both Emily and her father said simultaneously.

"Those are not appropriate toys for a young lady, ghastly little things that they were."

"My planes, too?"

"Yes, especially those."

"I worked on those for hours, you had no right."

"You watch your tone, I had every right to, I can't stand little tomboys, you will be a proper young lady and you'll like it."

"No, I won't watch my tone, that was my stuff, Mine. I won't be a proper young lady either and you can't make me like anything I don't want..."

Vivian went to strike the child again, to take the fight out of her. John caught her hand mid-flight though.

"Okay, no more fighting tonight." John announced. "You," John looked at his wife, "I will talk to you about this later. Just let her be for now, let everyone calm down."

"Are you sending me to my room?" Vivian said smugly.

"Yes, you are all for a girl's place in the world, the world your parents told you existed. Well, I know one of those things was being obedient to your husband. I know you want to set a good example for your daughter, don't you?"

Vivian glared at her husband, but it was true what he said. She walked out the room, and went to her own.

"I can't have anything." Emily cried out.

"Now, don't you start either, you still have things, not just those things."

"But, it's not right."

"I agree, but there isn't much we can do now, is there?"

"No, but can't I even have toys?"

"Well, you will be getting some things on Saturday, I am sure. I will make sure parents know about it."

"But what about now?"

"Well for now, you got what Jessie left, and she will be over. And you got me."

"Yes, but what about the dogfight, we can't have one without planes."

"Sure we can, use that great imagination of yours." John held out his arms to the side. "Mig 1 ready for take off. He 'flew around the room'. "Targets in sight, no Capitalistic Dog aircraft in sight.

"Oh no, you don't." Emily put her hands out to the sides, "Acer one, cleared for take off."

She started to fly around the room as well. Soon, they were chasing each other, taking turns at who chased who. They were ran around the room, getting up onto the bed, benches and chairs.

At the end, Emily jumped up on the bed, in order to escape the enemy. Her dad yelled out, "Got her," and wrapped his arms around her and gently tackled her onto the bed. They both lay there motionless for a second, laughing and huffing for breath.

"See," her dad said, "We didn't need any toys, now did we?"

"No, I guess not, but still."

"We will figure something out, okay?"

"Okay. I better get ready for Jessie she should be here soon."

"Want me to go?"

"No, stay till Jessie comes, please."

"Okay," John kissed Emily on the cheek and then sat down on the windowed bench.

Emily kicked off her sneakers and placed them in the closet. She then undid her belt and took off her pinstriped pants. She looked at herself in the mirror, her hair was let down from all the 'flying'. The little girl stared back at her, with her little legs hang out of the jersey she looked extremely cute. She smiled at the little girl.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think this looks cute, just like this?"

"I think you look cute anyway you dress."

"You got to say that, cause you're Daddy. But forget it's me you;re looking at and just what I'm wearing."

John looked over his little girl. The white jersey came down just below her panties, her long, slender legs showed some signs of being toned. Her body glistened from the workout she had just gotten. She was more than cute, she may be one of the most beautiful sights in the world, John thought.

"Yes, honey, very cute." John smiled at Emily, not wanting to throw more praise on her than she could handle.

"Good," Emily walked over to her dad, he wrapped his arms around her and gave her tush a playful squeeze. He gave her a small peck on the lips for good measure as well. At that time the door bell rang.

"I'll let her up, if you do what you did last time, be sure to lock your door okay, and keep a tee-shirt close in case me or mom want to come in, unless you like showing the world. I'm also going to go for a little drive, I think, let things between your mom and me settle down. I'll bring you back some ice-cream."

Emily blushed as her dad left the room. "I don't mind if YOU see," she laughed to herself. "Okay," is the only thing she actually said out loud. Her dad disappeared through the door.

"If people knew what I thought some time," Emily mused to herself, "I would be more than in trouble. I'm such a pervy, it's going to catch up to me one of these days."

A second later Jessie came to the room, carrying two duffel bags.

"Moving in?" Emily joked, using the same line the first time Jessie slept over.

"Ha Ha, very funny, you could have come down and helped."

"Sorry, you bring more toys?"

"Yeah, I got the Barbie Corvette and the RV and all the baby Kelly stuff."

"Cool, we can practice what this house is going to be like in a few weeks," Emily chuckled.

Jessie threw the two duffel bags onto the floor next to the closet. Emily sat on her bed and Jessie soon joined her.

"What happened to your face?" Jessie asked.

"I got into a car crash, remember," Emily replied trying to hide the fact that she had been hit twice.

"No, those marks are different and I can tell that it was a hand. Did the car hit a hand?"

"No," Emily laughed nervously.

"Was it your mom or your dad?"

"Mom."

"Did you deserve it?"

"No."

"Aw, I kiss the pain away." Jessie hugged her friend and gave soft gentle kisses on the red hand marks.

Emily smiled. She felt a little bit like a baby, but it wasn't a feeling that she minded.

"Feel better?"

"Yes," Emily squeezed her friend around the waist.

The two sat there for a little while, Emily enjoyed listening to Jessie's heart and Jessie enjoyed comforting her friend.

After a while the two separated, Emily went to her stereo and turned on the radio. The classical station still was playing, she left it there to see if Jessie objected.

"I like this stuff," Jessie said.

"Me too, me and my dad was dancing to it before."

"Oh, I wish I was there then."

"Why?"

"Maybe he would have danced with me."

"Why?" Emily asked again.

"He's such a hunk."

"Maybe you're right." Emily blushed.

"Want to dance?"

"You bet." Emily exclaimed.

The two grabbed each other around the waist and slowly made their way around the room. They were laughing and smiling and twirling the whole time. Then, slowly, Emily reached down and kissed Jessie gently on the lips. Jessie returned the favor and they continued to dance and kiss at the same time. The music had stopped and so did they.

"That was great," Emily said.

"Yeah, your becoming a better kisser, practicing with your dad."

"No! You stop that." Emily warned and then blushed.

"Oh, maybe not for real like we do, but you been practicing in your head."

"I told you to quit." Emily got red with embarrassment.

"Okay, I will, but we both know I'm right."

"Let's play with Barbie," Emily said, trying to change the subject.

"Okay."

Emily went to the duffel bag that held the Barbie dolls. She unzipped it and noticed an outfit in there.

"What's this," Emily held up what almost looked like a girls bathing suit. The material was soft and the pink was very light, if it were to get wet, no one would have any problem seeing right through.

"It's a unitard."

"A what?"

"It's so you can do ballet in it."

"Oh, you going to do a ballet tonight?"

"No, mom thought maybe you might be interested in it, I told her you wouldn't be."

"I don't know, is it fun?"

"Yeah, a lot."

"Does everyone wear pink?"

"No, there are a bunch of colors, some people wear others, but a lot wear pink."

"I don't know, maybe I can? I like doing stuff that is work."

"It's work, but it's very prissy, I didn't know you were into that."

"Sometimes I don't know what I'm into at all. It's weird, but when I am with you, being a girl is the best thing in the world."

"And with your dad, too?"

"Yeah," Emily then realized what her friend was getting at, "Hey, you tricked me."

"Well, you answered, not me. When don't you want to be a girl?"

"Around everyone else, especially that Charlie Munson."

"He's that boy on your baseball team, right?"

"Yeah, he's an idiot."

"I wouldn't worry, no one likes him, he's too full of himself."

"He seems popular to me."

"Just with ultra-jocks and those that like them, but not like all around liked."

"Maybe, maybe I'll do ballet, too."

"Cool."

"Yeah, my mom would like that I bet."

"Will you like it?"

"I don't know."

"Don't do it because your mom wants you, too." Jessie informed.

"I guess."

Jessie laughed.

"What?" Emily asked.

"You look hot in that jersey and I can see your panties."

"So, you saw me naked last time."

"I'm just pointing it out, you going to sleep like that."

"Probably."

"I was hoping we could sleep like we did last time."

Emily smiled. "Want to head to bed now, it is after nine?"

"Well, can we just get like that but still stay up, I didn't really get to see you in the dark."

"Yeah, I guess."

As soon as Emily said yes, Jessie started to unfasten the clasp on her overalls. With one motion she let them fall to the floor. She then pulled off a pink tee shirt that was under it and threw the items into her duffel bag. She then slowly removed her undies, it was the same style she wore the last time over. She stood there in front of Emily, completely naked except for a pair of white ankle socks.

"Your turn." Jessie told her.

Emily stood up and began to unbutton the jersey. She got all the way down and pulled it off. Carefully she placed it on a hanger and hung it on the closet door. She pulled off her white cotton panties and placed them next to the bed, "Just in case."

The two girls looked at each other naked. Each liking what they saw, each wearing nothing but a silly grin and a pair of ankle socks.

"Hey," Jessie said, "you're getting breasts." She went over and pointed at the slight swelling of Emily's chest.

"No, I'm not, I've always had these, I think." Emily looked at herself in the mirror. Her chest did look like it was swollen, a very little bit. It just looked like maybe something was trying to push it out.

"I don't know if I can get breasts, I know I can't have a period." Emily informed.

"My mom and I were wondering about it."

"About what? If I get a period?"

"No, but if your thing looks the same as ours on the inside."

"I don't know, I never saw yours and I don't know what it's supposed to look like."

"We can check."

"Huh?"

"Sit down and spread your legs and I can look in and see, then I will let you do the same thing to me, okay?"

Emily thought about it for a little while, the last time someone was pointing out something in her, ahd not been a pleasant experience. The curiosity however was way too much and she finally agreed.

She sat down on the windowed bench, keeping her butt halfway off the edge. She spread her legs as best she could, reveal the full extent of the change. Jessie got on all fours, her small hands felt cold as the touched the outer lips. She spread the labia apart and examined her friend.

"Wow." Jessie exclaimed.

"What do you see?" Emily asked.

"A small Martian has built a fort in there" Jessie teased.

"Be honest." Emily warned.

"It looks like any other girl's."

"How many do you see?"

"Just my own sometimes with a mirror."

"Oh, okay, I was worried for a second."

"Okay, let's swap, my turn to be the patient."

Emily got up, and Jessie took her place on the windowed bench. Jessie spread her legs and Emily took her place on all fours. She spread her friend's lips, causing Jessie to jump slightly. Emily put her head in closer, trying to get a closer look. She noticed a slight odor, the a kind of pleasurable one.

The children were wrapped up in their exploring. So wrapped up that they didn't hear the door open to the room.

"What in the world is going on in here?"

"Mom," Emily exclaimed as she spun around, "I can explain."

"Very doubtful," Vivian yelled, "Jessie get your stuff you are going home."

"Mrs. Corsi we were only..."

"I know exactly what you were doing," Vivian interrupted.

"But we were..." Jessie again tried to explain.

"You are only making things worst, get your stuff and go, you are no longer welcome in this house and no longer allowed to play with Emily, do you understand?"

"Yes," Jessie said as she hurriedly put on her overalls.

Upon seeing that Jessie was dressed, "Now go and don't come back this way again."

Jessie grabbed her stuff and ran out the house.

"Mom, we were just..."

"You," Mom cut her off, "how could you, I am not raising a lesbian, do you understand?"

"I am not a lesbian," Emily said, unsure of what a lesbian might be.

"I'm not raising a little slut, either." Vivian grabbed her daughter by the hair and pulled her to the center of the room. She then threw Emily onto the bed. Emily's feet were on the floor and her torso was bent over onto the mattress.

"Stay like that," her mother warned. Emily made sure to obey, and stood bent over there with her bare ass in the air. Emily didn't know what hurt more, the sound of the smack or the feeling coming from her bottom.

Emily cried loud, while her mother spanked her repeatedly. "Do you understand, you will be a proper young lady. Proper young lady's do not have relationships with other ladies. Do you understand?"

"But we were..." Emily didn't finish the sentence before her mother popped her again on her fleshy and now red bottom.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mom," Emily said, knowing that any other comment would receive another smack.

"Now get this through your head, you are a girl now. Do you hear me?"

"Yes, for this year I'm a girl."

"No," her mother cracked her again on the bottom, "you are a girl, permanently, and until you find some way to end that fact, you will behave like a young lady should."

Emily just lay there quietly.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mom," Emily said hatefully.

At that moment her dad had come back. "What's going on here?" he asked.

"Your little slut daughter was caught going down on her friend."

"She did what?" Dad asked in disbelief.

"Oh, yes, I caught her performing oral sex on that little whore next door."

"Oh!" John really didn't know what to say.

"I can't even look at our little whore anymore, she makes me sick, if you want to talk to her about what is right, then go ahead."

Vivian got up and stormed off to her room, slamming both the door to Emily's room and to hers. Emily stayed there still bent over her bed, rubbing her sore bottom.

"Emily, is what Mom said true?" Her dad asked.

"No." Emily cried.

"Is she making it up then?" Her dad probed.

"No, she just didn't know what she saw."

"Maybe you got curious, and just took one little lick and Mom walked in?"

"No, that's not what happened either."

"Were you licking your friend in her private spot?" Her dad was trying to ascertain exactly what was going on.

"No," Emily replied.

"Then what were you doing, that Mom would think such a thing?"

"I was looking at her part, because we were wondering if I looked the same way she did. We weren't being whores or doing nothing sexy. Just looking, honest."

"I believe you baby, didn't I tell you to keep your door locked."

"I forgot to, it just kind of happened."

"Okay, let this die down some, a few days perhaps, and we will talk about it like a family."

"But, she said I can never see Jessie again." Emily started to cry again.

"Like I said, in a few days we will talk about it like a family."

John rubbed his daughter on the back and noticed that the strikes that she received on her bottom were a bit excessive. He could already see the bruising starting to form and was afraid welts would follow shortly. He bent over his little girl and gave her a kiss on the back, she still had her face buried from the world. He slowly walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Shortly after that, Emily could here the yelling from down the hall. She couldn't make out every word, but the ones that kept coming up were "whore" and "lesbian" and "abuse." Not always in that order.

"Find away to put an end to being a girl," Emily said quoting her mother. "I'll find an end for sure." Emily cried in her pillow. Her bottom hurt and every time the wind blew it was like fanning a flame. Emily thought of putting on a nighty, but she was afraid any more contact with her sore bottom would only increase her pain.

The house got quiet, Emily listened and couldn't hear a peep. The last sound she heard was her dad heading down the stairs to sleep on the couch. Emily lay there in the darkness for a good hour.

"I can't take much more of this," she said to herself. "I didn't ask for this, don't you understand. Everyone hates me now. I have no more friends for baseball, they all laughed and made fun of me. My mom thinks I am a whore. I am breaking up my parent's marriage, all they do lately is fight about me. I can't see the only friend I still have left, this is no way to live."

Emily got up slowly. Her bottom was still hot from the beating she received earlier. In fact, it hurt even more, now that the adrenaline had burned out of her. She slowly opened the door that lead to the hall. She looked both ways and saw that the coast was clear. She darted across the hallway and made it to the bathroom. She closed the door as quietly as she could. She made sure that she locked it and looked at herself in the mirror.

"You caused all this, you caused all these stupid little problems. I got to put an end to you, sorry." Emily opened up the cabinet, so she could no longer see the little, teary eyed, girl in the mirror. She found a box of razors that her dad used to shave.

She carefully removed one of the razors, placing the rest of the box back into its proper place. While still in the sheath, she lay it down next to the sink. She remembered that she had forgotten something.

Emily unlocked the door, the coast was still clear. She ran to her room, she grabbed a piece of paper from her writing desk and a pen. She paused for a second, she thought she may have heard something. She looked in the hallway, thinking perhaps one of her parents would be there.

The hall remained empty, it had just been her imagination. She tip-toed back to the bathroom. Taking the same care as before she slowly closed the door, making sure it made no sound. She laid the paper on the bathroom counter. She penned these final words: "I am sorry. Love Emily and John."

"I can't live being two people," she said as she picked up the razor.

Slowly she removed the razor from the sheath. The silver finish glimmered in the bright light of the bathroom. Emily discarded the cardboard sheath into the wastepaper can. She took the razor and held it firmly in her hand.

"This will teach them," she said to herself.

Slowly, almost methodically, she placed the razor onto her wrist. Emily replayed the days events in her head:

Too bad you can't have any babies of your own." Mom said, after teaching her how to change a diaper.

"Now for the award for most changed, Emily Corsi." Coach called out at the banquet.

She heard Charles and her ex-friends call her a faggot.

"I can't even look at our little whore anymore!"

"This life isn't worth it," Emily said as red filled her eyes, followed by darkness.

 

---

As I said, this was a difficult write.

---

 

---

Chapter 9
Dearly Departed

---

This has got to be the toughest write I have done in this series. I cried while writing, and it may or not affect you the same way. Is death the end or a new beginning, or does it matter?

---

 
An eerie silence filled the Corsi household. No one recognized the sound, nor even acknowledged its existence at the time. Emily begin to feel dizzy, the room began to spin around her. The normally cold tile floor, felt warm beneath her. "This will teach them", she thought as she closed her eyes.

Suddenly, Emily felt light as air, she floated about the bathroom, not fully aware of what had happened. She looked down upon the floor. The little girl that she use to see in the mirror lay there still. Emily paused for a second, "She's no longer in the mirror" she thought.

Emily looked at the tiny body, lying still in the fetal position. Red poured onto the floor, it looked like a river of blood was flowing in the bathroom and the river flowed from the little girl's hand. "Oh my," Emily thought, "this is much more messy then I had thought. Mom is going to be real mad." Emily listened to the silence, she listened for all her worth. She heard the sound of a heart beat, the little girl was still alive.

"Quick, quick, someone come," she tried to yell but made no sound. "Oh, no, poor little girl," Emily swooped down next to the child, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. What have I done? I didn't want this." Emily began to cry, laying next to the little girl, trying to reverse what she had done out by pure effort of will. The sound of the heart beat grew ever quieter, the drum beat ever softer -- till it was still.

"No, little girl, don't die." Emily placed her hand on the small child, she felt the body grow ever colder by the second. Emily slept by the child on the floor, trying somehow to give it warmth, knowing that she had caused this all.

Morning came, the bang on the bathroom door frightened Emily. She flew into the air and hovered over the still child.

"Emily," Vivian yelled, "open this door this instant."

"Emily," Vivian said is a calmer voice, sensing something was wrong, "please open the door for Mommy, I'm not mad."

"Emily," Vivian started to get frantic, she pounded on the door, ever louder, "is everything okay? This isn't funny anymore, open up.

Emily did try to answer, but her voice could not make a sound. She knew her mom was addressing the little girl on the floor. "Please get up child, please," Emily pleaded. While she begged, there was a loud crash, and the door flew open. Emily fled back against the wall, knowing that she would have to explain this mess somehow.

Emily's mother stood at the door, her eyes as wide open as her mouth. Vivian stood at the door in disbelief.

"Mom," Emily tried to explain, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't know." Vivian stared at the little girl on the floor, she didn't look up to hear what Emily was saying.

Vivian made no sound, she made no movement. Emily realized she couldn't see or hear her, she could just see the little child on the floor.

"Oh my God," Vivian yelled as she dove to the floor, "my baby, what did you do, why?"

Vivian grabbed the still child in her arm, soon her robe was stained with the child's blood.

"John," Vivian screamed, "John hurry, John quick. Oh my God, run, John."

Downstairs where he had been sleeping after the argument, John had just started to stir from when he heard the call from his wife. He knew that voice, and he knew something serious had happened. At first he thought she had started her labor. He ran up the stairs as fast as he could.

"What's wrong, hun?" he yelled at the foot of the stairs.

"Come here, quick," Vivian yelled from the bathroom.

John ran to the bathroom, he looked and saw his little girl laying on the floor.

"Oh no." John said as he saw what happened, "hold on, baby, hold on."

"I'm right here daddy," Emily yelled from above, watching the action below. "Daddy look." Emily cried because her father couldn't hear her.

John tore his pajama tops, making bandages out of the torn shreds, he wrapped each bit around his little girls wrist, hoping that somehow, he wasn't too late.

"Keep pressure on them," John said as he wrapped his wife's hands around his makeshift bandages.

John ran to his bedroom, slipping a little in the child's blood as he left. He grabbed the cordless phone and dialed 911 as he raced back.

"Yes, this is an emergency," John yelled, "come quick, my little girl slit her wrist. No, I don't know exactly when, we just found her. No, I last saw her last evening when she was going to bed. She's nine. Hurry, please. I am calm."

John gave the operator the address and then knelt by his little girl, the blood on the floor began to soak in his pajama bottoms. He took the child's head and placed it in his lap.

"Hold on, baby, please, be strong for daddy, I need you." John pleaded.

"Daddy," Emily cried from above, "I didn't know, honest, I didn't know. I'm sorry, so sorry."

Sirens could be heard in the distance, growing ever closer. There was a loud knock at the door, help had arrived. John rushed to the door, unlocking it and letting the paramedics in.

"She's in the bathroom, follow me." John raced up the stairs with EMT closely behind. "Here she is, right here. John pointed out the child.

"Ma'am, we need you to step away, we need to do our job." The EMT told Vivian.

Vivian clung to her child, "Save her, please God."

"Ma'am, you got to let go."

John came in and had to physically pry Vivian's arms from around their child. He dragged her out of the room and let the paramedics try to save the little girl.

The paramedics tried to get a pulse, they found none, they pounded on the child's chest and blew in her mouth, nothing. They tried these things repeatedly, nothing worked.

"Try harder, please, I take back, okay, I take it back." Emily still tried to yell.

"Sorry, ma'am, it's too late." the paramedic said with a frown.

"No, no," Vivian screamed, "she can't be gone, try again."

"Ma'am, we didn't get here in time, she must have done this several hours ago."

"No, damn it, you're lying, No." Vivian screamed and John held her from rushing the paramedics.

The paramedics took out a big black plastic bag. They gently placed the child in it and zipped it up.

"No," Vivian cried, "no."

The EMT placed the bag onto the cart and wheeled it down the stairs.

Vivian stayed still for a moment, and so did John, both standing there, watching their child leave the house for the very last time.

John went to put his arm around his wife.

"Don't touch me." Vivian yelled.

John took a step back.

"You did this," Vivian accused. "You drove her to this, you made my baby do this. Had to be soft, now look at what you done."

John stayed still. He didn't move at all, even though his wife began to slap his face and beat on his chest.

"It was your fault," Vivian yelled and started to call him every curse in the book.

John stood there, motionless, he could feel nothing, numbness surrounded and filled his body.

Emily just watched and cried, she created all this, she knew she had. There was nothing that she could do about it now, and nothing she could say. Nothing her parents could hear anyway.

"Daddy, Mommy," she yelled, "I'm sorry, I love you."

Her house faded into darkness and her parents grew smaller. "I love you," she yelled as hard as she could, her parents images darkened and disappeared.

Emily felt very cold, very afraid. She cried in the darkness, but no one could hear her. She longed for the feel of her father's arms, arms that could make her feel safe, even in this place. They never came. She stayed in the darkness alone, not knowing how much time had passed. Sometimes she slept, at the times she didn't sleep, she cried.

One day, light began to enter back into her eyes. She didn't know where she might be, near some kind of building. She floated on inside. Her parents were there, so were all her friends. Her mother wore all black, her face covered in a veil. Occasionally she raised a tissue to dry her eyes. Her dad had also dressed in his blackest suit; the only color, the white dress shirt he wore underneath. He shed no tear, but from the look on his face, you could tell his heart had been broken.

Many people came up to them, saying how sad it was that this had happened. Some said to not blame themselves. "How could I not blame myself," John thought every time he was told not to. Vivian also blamed John, she made that known anytime someone was in earshot. All of Emily's friends were dressed in dark clothing. Emily floated to the inner room. A small white casket stood at the front, the flowers surrounding it made it seem almost peaceful. She glided up to the casket; to her surprise, the small child was in a neat gray suit.

"This isn't right," Emily said, "she should be in a pretty dress."

No one heard her, no one could.

Jessie entered the room, her small frame looked frail. She wore all black from head to toe as well. She walked up to the casket.

"Wake up, Emily," she said.

"Wake up," she said even louder, she threw her hands on the lifeless body, "wake up, I need you, I love you."

Jessie's mother came and had to carry her away.

"I'm sorry Jessie, I didn't think, I'm so sorry." Emily shouted. "I love you, too," Emily said as the doors closed behind Jessie.

Emily watched what went on from the back of the room. Everyone walked up and said good bye in their own way. Some silently, some with small words. The pastor of their church got up front and gave a small speech, saying how tragic it was to lose someone so young, how we must gather strength in God to move on. He said that in time, we will grow strong, and that they will never forget John Jr., life will continue. It is all part of God's ultimate plan.

"They called her John, maybe it is still John to them. Everything says John." Emily went around the room and sure enough all the flowers were to John, and all the cards were to John. Emily sat next to her parents.

"You sure with all this John stuff?" Dad asked Mom.

"Yes, I guess that accident did kill our baby boy after all."

Emily sat there, stunned, knowing that whatever she said would not be heard, they were deaf to her voice now. She saw her pastor spray water on top of the casket, and then close the lid. Several of her teammates walked around the casket and carried it out the door and into a big car. Emily jumped in with it and waited to see where it went. The car drove around to the baseball field and past her house. It then went to another field, Emily knew this was the final field the body would see. They spoke more words there and the people said some final words. Then everyone went their own way, everyone except the pastor and Emily's parents.

Slowly they lowered the white casket into the ground. "No, stop," Emily yelled. "I'm right here," she jumped and waved, but no one could see her. The casket dropped at the bottom of the grave, it gave an unsettling thud. John picked up a shovel, taking a big scoop of dirt, and threw it on top of the casket. "Good bye, sweetie," John cried, "I wish you knew how much I loved you, how far it reached. I will miss you, you don't know how much I hurt."

"Daddy," Emily yelled and cried, but her father still could not hear her.

Her mom took the shovel next, in like manner she took a scoop of dirt and threw it atop the casket. "I wish you would have thought before you did this, we loved you, we could have worked this out. You just needed to give me more time to get you used to all this. Everything would have been fine."

The pastor removed a blanket that covered the tombstone, her parents just stood there, looking at it.

Here lies Our Beloved Son: John Michael Corsi.

"Time to go little one," a voice called out.

"Huh, what, you can see me?" Emily said as she turned to find who was speaking to her.

"I've been watching you your whole life, little one, it is time to go." A beautiful lady, who dressed in all white, looked as if she were shining. Her long blonde hair, flowed down her back and danced in the wind.

"Who are you?" Emily asked.

"More important than who am I, is what I am? I am your Angel, I've come to take you home."

Emily didn't know how she knew, but she knew that the Angel would take her up to be with God. Emily walked toward the beautiful woman. The Angel put her arm around the child, and they both floated off to the light. The light called to her, and Emily longed to get there quickly.

The light shined brightly, so brightly that it blinded the child momentarily as she flew through it. After a few minutes Emily's eyes adjusted to the brightness and she looked around. The buildings were all marble, they felt smooth to the touch. Emily looked down and saw that her feet were planted on a solid gold, brick road.

"Here, wear this child." The angel handed Emily a garment.

"It's a dress." Emily said.

"It's a gown, put it on, child."

"So, even in heaven I got to dress like a girl?"

"Child, everyone here wears that, it's our official fashion." The angel giggled slightly.

"Even boys?"

"Yes, even boys, but according to my records you were a girl down there on Earth."

"Only towards the end." Emily tried to correct.

"I know towards the end, and I know about the accident and the change, I was with you, you just didn't see."

"Oh, so am I still a girl up here."

"Child, look down and tell me what you see."

Emily looked down, she noticed only smooth skin, even the scar was gone. "Oh, I guess I'm still a girl."

"You assume too much, child. Look at the whole area, tell me what you see."

Emily bent down to see her whole groin, not only was there no scar and no penis, but there wasn't anything else, either.

"I got nothing there." Emily observed, marveling a little.

"Correct, in heaven we do not have gender, you can be whatever you want whenever you want."

"What if I want to be alive again?"

"You should have thought of that sooner, shouldn't you?"

"Yes," Emily said meekly.

"Well, no worries, you'll have lots of time to think of it while you are here. If you so choose. There are a lot of other things you can do while you are here, and there is no better place than heaven."

"Yeah, I only wish I got here later.

"Well, think on that, and I will come and get you later. Have fun and explore some also; you will see, nothing you desire will we lack."

"Bye," Emily waved as she watched the angel disappear.

Emily walked along the golden pathway, looking down and marveling at the beauty.

"I must have hurt a lot of people," Emily thought, "It was a stupid, dumb, thing that I did."

Emily walked up to the sea. She had been looking at it from afar, the water looked as clear as glass. She came upon the water sooner than she expected. She looked down into the water and noticed the little girl staring back at her.

"I'm sorry, little girl, you deserved better then to have me be your reflection. You were a good little girl, pretty too, I shouldn't have done what I did."

Emily shook her head and closed her eyes. The world remained silent.

* * * * *

Emily opened her eyes again, she saw the teary eyed girl staring back at her. The marks on her face were red, and the tears had caused her eyes to puff.

"I'm sorry for what I was thinking little girl," Emily told the reflection in the mirror, "but I couldn't do that to you."

Emily slid the razor back in the sheath and placed it back into the medicine cabinet. She closed the cabinet door and stared at the little girl, who looked back at her.

Suddenly, she fell to the floor, crying and weeping. Had she seen a glimpse of what might have happened, or had it all been a child's daydream? She kept seeing the faces of her parents, solemn and crying. She kept seeing Jessie, her small hands trying to wake the sleeping child in the casket. "What was I going to do?"

Emily saw in her mind, the body of John lying in the casket, and the tombstone that bore his name. She heard her mother's words, "The accident killed our son after all."

"John and Emily are the same," the child said to herself, "I did not die in that accident, and I did not die now, we are the same person, we will be the same person, just different."

Emily felt a renewed strength in her, she felt it through her legs and picked herself up off the floor. She stood in front of the mirror again, looking at her reflection. "Don't worry, little girl, I may not have in the past, but I love you now, we will figure this stuff out together." Emily kissed the girl in the mirror.

Emily slowly tiptoed out of the bathroom, and walked downstairs. She walked into the living room where she knew her dad would be sleeping.

"Something wrong, sweet pea?" Dad asked, knowing it could be any number of events, but he didn't think of the one that had so nearly just happened.

"Yes," Emily answered.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Then what can I do to help you?"

"Just hold me and rock me and make me feel safe."

"You bet," John opened up his arms. His daughter jumped into them like she had been missing his embrace for an eternity. He lay back on the couch and pulled the covers over both of them. He gently rocked his little child, not knowing how close he almost came to losing her.

She closed her eyes, and fell asleep in his arms. In this fortress, Emily felt safe from the world's harm and from hateful words; she also felt safe from her own impulses as well. John, too, fell asleep; holding his little girl gave him great comfort, and a feeling that he was very important.

---

This event was taxing. It was emotional for me and for my own reasons, it needed to be written. It gives Emily some finality about the accident and what she was and is. I know a lot of the story has been an emotional roller coaster, or maybe not. If you have any feelings about this chapter please comment; this chapter more then the rest, it will mean something, even if you hated it.