Susie rolled her eyes at me as we pulled her dad up. "Let's have a look at the damage."

Mr Jones grimaced as she waggled his finger. "What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"See if you can grind the ends of the bone together," I offered helpfully. "That's a sure-fire test - if your dad faints, it's broken."

Susie and Jeffrey 7 - 8 - 9 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

"I've made up my mind: you've seen the demise of Denise - so if this is a ploy to lure me into your bedroom."

"You know I haven't a devious bone in my body," Susie huffed. "There's nothing unusual about a father wanting to meet the new boyfriend. What's the matter, Jeffrey - why are you so suspicious?"

"You look far too pleased with yourself, Susie."

"That's because I'm with you, Jeffrey, and after you've won over dad," she smirked, "we're going shopping. I'm in funds again - the old man's finally relented. It's been a strain, but this week I've been the perfect daughter around the house - just like you, from all accounts."

"No one could describe my behaviour as anything other than new mannish," I protested. Susie gave me a sceptical look. "Well, I might have had one or two Cinderella moments," I allowed, "but you're always Prince Charming."

Susie laughed and slapped her thigh. "Have you been imagining me in high heels and tights?"

"Yes, but it's not sexist or anything - after all, I'm the one wearing the dress."

"I approve, Jeffrey; you have as many of those fantasies as you like."

"I don't think I should - they seem to be affecting my behaviour ..." I paused - I'd said more than enough already.

"Go on - Doctor Susie is in."

We had the street to ourselves, but I lowered my voice. "Mum caught me dancing in front of the mirror - I was holding my hair out in bunches - and singing 'I want to be Susie's girl'." I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't help myself; it's the effect you have on me."

"Wait a minute," Susie frowned, "you're not winding me up again are you, Jeffrey?"

"No," I smiled ruefully, "I wouldn't joke about how I feel about you."

Susie ruffled my hair. "Carry on, what did you tell your mum?"

"Oh, I gave her a superior look and said, 'Susie and I are a modern couple - we don't want our relationship constrained by outdated sexual stereotyping'."

Susie kissed me on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you Jeffrey that could have been me speaking. What happened next?"

"I'm afraid that I don't have your psychological gravitas," I sighed, "mum burst out laughing and I joined in. I'm happy she's happy we're going out together."

She gave me a hug. "You're so sweet, Jeffrey."

"I know," I grinned, "but I'm also bewitched, bothered and bewildered. Now that you're my girlfriend, I'm being engaged in lad-talk, and I'm at a loss - that sort of thing is beyond me. They must think I'm a right little prig."

"Don't be silly, you're just showing respect for me."

"It's more than that. I'm not comfortable with them - I used to think I might be a bit Aspergerish."

"And what do you think now?"

I shrugged. "Maybe I've been keeping the wrong company - all I know is that I feel at home with you."

We walked in silence up to her front gate. "Into the lion's den - mum's out, so you can expect no mercy." Susie took my hand. "Have courage Jeffrey, remember you're the man in my life now."

I hesitated. "Your dad's a second row forward, isn't he?"

"Yes he's a bear of a man, very physical. He might grab you in a headlock, but don't worry - it's just his way of showing affection."

"I've an uncle like that - he greets me by rubbing my cheek with his stubble and nuzzling my ear. If I try to avoid his advances, I end up pinned down on the sofa. It's a bit disconcerting - he doesn't seem to realise that I'm not a kid anymore."

"Kiss him back, Jeffrey," Susie laughed, "it sounds like he'd prefer Denise to Denephew."

"Sometimes," I groaned, "your advice borders on the reckless."

"You have to take a risk sometimes, Jeffrey," she grinned. "And speaking of which, don't let dad trap your thumb when you shake hands - it's one of his little tricks."

"Heck, Susie, if I avoid getting my head torn off and my hand crushed, is there anything else I should be wary of?"

"Be on your guard if the boxing gloves make an appearance - it can only mean one thing."

"Don't worry," I smiled, "if he wants a typing contest, I'll insist on bare knuckles."

Susie clapped me on the back. "That's my boy, Jeffrey."

"Reporting for parental inspection, sir."

Mr Jones took Susie at her word. I felt self-conscious under his gaze and began fiddling with my hair. "Hello," I gulped.

"Sorry, I shouldn't stare, but you've made quite an impression on my daughter. She can't wait to get over to your house every night," he smiled. "Susie hasn't been too impressed with young men up to now - what's your secret, Jeffrey?"

"Don't embarrass us, dad, we're just a perfectly matched couple."

"I can see that," he mused. "Give me your hand Jeffrey." I reached out and watched it disappear into his huge paw. "Let's see what you're made of," he grinned. "Sugar and spice and all things nice, eh, Susie." And tightening his grip he pumped away at my arm.

"Mind how you go dad, Jeffrey has the hands of a concert pianist - such a lovely soft touch."

Mr Jones smiled and tightened his grip. "Aaaaaaahhh!" I stumbled forward and instinctively grabbed at his arm.

My fingers dug in just above his elbow. "Oooooowww!" Mr Jones' arm spasmed, and he fell backwards into the armchair.

"Ooooooooohhh!" I landed on top of him and the chair tipped over. The bigger they come, I silently rejoiced.

"Oh, dad," Susie cried, "if you've hurt Jeffrey playing your silly macho games."

"I'm okay, no harm done," I assured her. "Worse things happen in rugger scrums, don't they Mr Jones?" I pushed off, and he let out another cry of pain. "Oops sorry, sir, I didn't realise where my foot had lodged."

I scampered over to Susie's side and whispered into her ear. "You don't mind if I hide behind your skirts, do you? Your dad may want to make it the best of three."

"Behind them now, in them later," she giggled. I couldn't help giggling with her - it was only nerves, but of course, Susie thought different. She patted my bottom. "The tightest one I've got, eh, Denise."

"How about you two love-birds helping me up?" Mr Jones groaned. "I think I've broken my little finger; it hurts like hell."

"Incapacitated by your pinkie," Susie snorted.

"Yes, and my arm's gone numb as well." He turned to me. "What did you do, Jeffrey? It felt like an electric shock."

"I'm sorry, sir - it was an accident." He looked unconvinced. "I suppose I somehow pinched your funny bone nerve. It was a million to one chance."

Susie rolled her eyes at me as we pulled her dad up. "Let's have a look at the damage."

Mr Jones grimaced as she waggled his finger. "What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"See if you can grind the ends of the bone together," I offered helpfully. "That's a sure-fire test - if your dad faints, it's broken."

Mr Jones hastily pulled away. "No, it's okay; the pain's easing, but my arm's tingling." He shrugged his shoulders. "You caught me by surprise, Jeffrey with your shifty martial arts trick." I started to protest, but he silenced me. "I'm a boxing man - how about we get out the gloves next time?"

"That's enough, dad," Susie warned. "Jeffrey needs all his brain cells intact - he's not going to be an estate agent."

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child," Mr Jones laughed. "Don't worry, your old dad's not a total ogre - young love shall have its chance." He turned to me. "We'll have to get to know each other better, Jeffrey - Susie says Robbie Davies is a close friend of yours."

I didn't want any more misunderstandings. "We were only close in the sense that he sat behind me. We have absolutely nothing in common."

"You're not a rugger bugger, then, Jeffrey."

"Definitely not. I've been exiled to the badminton courts - the powers that be have tired of waiting for my growth spurt."

"It's not size, but character that counts. No matter how big they are, they can't run without their legs. Throw yourself at their thighs." He zigzagged a finger down his nose. "The worst that can happen is a boot in the face."

"No way, dad, I don't want Jeffrey with a broken schnozzle."

"I think that's just what he needs. No offence, old son, but some feature that said unequivocally 'I'm a boy' wouldn't come amiss. Don't take this the wrong way, but even with a haircut and two cauliflower ears, you'd still be struggling."

Mr Jones continued looking at me. Susie moved in and put her arm around me. "Don't be horrible to Jeffrey, he's exactly what I want."

Her dad raised his arms - one and a half arms actually. "Down, boy," he smiled. "I give in, but you have to admit he looks very like that girl you were kissing goodbye on Sunday. Who was that again?"

"I told you, dad, Denise." I prayed Susie would say no more. "She's Jeffrey's cousin."

Well, that was better than her being my twin, so I took my chance. "She was here with her family saying goodbye - they're on their way to Australia at this very moment."

"She'll always be with you in spirit though, won't she, Jeffrey?"

"I can live with that, Susie."

Mr Jones gave a broad smile. "Oh, Jeffrey, our Susie's a very determined girl."

"I know, sir, I know."

Susie shut the gate behind her. "Dogs, gorillas, and bears they're all the same to you, aren't they, Jeffrey?"

"Don't say that - I feel pretty bad about leaving your dad with his arm in a sling."

"He only wants a bit of sympathy from mum. Come Sunday, he'll be out there rolling around in the mud." She gave a satisfied smile. "All things considered, that went off very well."

"Are you joking, Susie? I cripple your dad, and," I groaned, "he knows all about Denise. What's going on - why didn't you warn me?"

"Why add to your anxieties? You had to meet him sooner or later."

"Yes but ... Wait a minute he couldn't be so sure about me from just a fleeting glance on Sunday."

"You know what kid brothers are like - Mikey swiped your picture and showed it mum and dad. He thought he'd make trouble for me," Susie smirked. "Little did he know."

"I'm confused - I thought your dad wanted you to date a rugger type."

"He did until this week," she laughed and slapped me on the back. "I can't believe the luck I've had since I met you - it's uncanny."

"Go on, tell me the worst."

"It's not the worst - it's the best. His partner has a daughter my age. She was going out with someone from the rugby club. The perfect young couple dad said - not anymore." Susie lowered her voice. "To put it crudely, Jeffrey - she's up the duff."

"She's what?"

"Up the duff." Susie's arm made a circular motion over her belly.

"Ah, I'm with you."

"What's more, they're living together." Susie gave a broad grin. "Suddenly dad thinks it's a good idea if I don't grow up quite so quick - better I have a boyfriend like you for now."

"You mean one more interested in putting your clothes on than taking them off."

"That's it in a nutshell, Jeffrey." Susie smiled contentedly. "Isn't it wonderful - my dad won't throw a wobbly when he catches us indulging in our little quirk."

"That's taken a weight of my mind," I sighed, "but I suppose deep down he hopes that I'm just a passing fancy, eh, Susie."

"You won't mind if I disappoint him, will you?"

"No, but let's not push our luck."

"Talking about luck," Susie examined my hand, "is that why you keep your nails so nice - for self-defence?"

"I may have done a little idle filing," I admitted," but there's nothing girly about them. I've shaped them into very useful tools - I'd like to see the shrink-wrap that can keep me out."

"Why do you bother, Jeffrey, always offering a logical explanation?"

"I can't help it, that's the sort of mind I have. Give me some credit though - I've given up rational thinking as far as you're concerned."

I took Susie's hand and we turned into the main road. "Where are we going?"

"The shopping village." She gave me an appraising look. "I don't like to criticise, Jeffrey, but did you have to wear your school uniform?"

"I didn't know we were off out - I was in meet your dad mode. Anyway, you don't seem too impressed with any of my other clothes."

"I'm not, Jeffrey: I dressed better than you when I painted my bedroom."

"I can't compete with you in the fashion stakes," I conceded. "I suppose you'll be adding to your wardrobe - exactly how much money have you got?" I innocently inquired.

Susie hesitated. "Fifty pounds - I suppose I should make you an offer."

"By rights, I should have the lot."

"Half?" With an air of resignation, she opened her bag.

I heaved a sigh. "You may as well keep it; I'd probably only spend it on you anyway."

"Don't look so sad, it's only money."

"But it was my money," I fretted, "and now I'm willing to throw it away. Bugger Denise - that's what I call a serious identity crisis. I just hope you realise the full weight of your responsibilities."

"I do, Jeffrey, but don't worry, you ain't heavy - you're my sister."

 

Chapter 8

"Don't be embarrassed, Jeffrey, you're shopping with me - you can show an interest in my choice of skirts."

"Not this much interest, Susie; that's a good half dozen I've held up against myself. I'm getting some funny looks - why can't you use the mirror?"

"Aw don't sulk, Jeffrey; I tell you what, you've been such a good model, I'll let you choose."

Susie had bought a pair of so-called worker boots - well, I wouldn't want to drop a hammer on my big toe while wearing them. That was fifteen pounds gone. The most expensive of the skirts was forty pounds, which would clean her out and end our little expedition. "The black one with the sequinned hem. You've got to have it - here's the extra fiver."

"You really like that one?"

"Yes, it's so feminine - I can't wait to see you in it."

Susie held it up to me. "Then I'll get it for you, Jeffrey."

Well, at least we'll soon be on our way home.

I was wrong about that; it seems you can spend just as much time shopping without any money. Though I did give Susie twenty pounds to buy a shoulder bag. I suppose I felt guilty over the skirt - I just can't win.

"Quick, this way, Jeffrey!"

Susie interrupted my pondering on how to regain control over my finances, by suddenly pulling me off to the left. "What have you seen now?" I moaned.

"Don't look back, but I've just spotted Mad Max. I think we should avoid him - a macho man like that may not take too kindly to your little deception, Jeffrey."

I sneaked a glance behind. "He's following us - what are we going to do?"

"Keep on straight ahead, but if there's no exit, you may have to be Denise who likes dressing up as a schoolboy."

"No chance - I'm going to turn and run for it - he'll never catch me."

"What sort of a boy are you, Jeffrey - leaving me to face the consequences? Show some moral fibre."

"Oh, look where we've landed - the toilets. You've led me up shit creek without a paddle, Susie."

"Wait there, Jeffrey," she ordered and disappeared into the Ladies.

"Oh not now, Susie, he'll be here any moment." I considered the Gents opposite, but that was the last place I wanted to meet up with Max.

An arm came around the door and tugged my sleeve. "Quick, there's no one in here." Susie dragged me across the floor and into the end cubicle. "Take a seat, Jeffrey," she smirked, "you're as safe as houses in here."

I flopped down in relief. "I don't suppose you brought a book with you - I usually have a good read until my backside goes numb."

"Budge up and let me sit down."

We managed to get a cheek each on the seat. "My gran has an ornament of a boy and girl sitting together on a potty," I mused. "Well, actually, they're having a pushing match with their bottoms. I always thought it was a bit gross, but she says it's Victorian kitsch."

"If you like, we can have a double toilet as well as a double bed."

"I don't know about that - does anyone make them with extractor fans in the bowls?"

"The Japanese: their loos are the most advanced in the world. They're a remarkable people - we've a lot to thank them for."

"I certainly will have - a girlfriend bent on feminising me and odourless crapping."

"It's a funny old life, Jeffrey."

"It certainly is, Susie."

The sound of approaching footsteps interrupted our little reverie. "I don't want to worry you, but getting out of here undetected may not be so easy. Did you think of that?"

Before she could answer, there was a rap on the door. "Can't have two of you in the same cubicle; come on out or I'll have to call security."

Give Susie her due - she's a resourceful girl. "I have to take care of my sister; she has fainting spells at this time of the month - I wouldn't want her to hit her head. We'll be out in five minutes."

"Five minutes, then, or it'll me more than my job's worth. I want to see you before I let you out."

The woman's footsteps receded. "Drop your pants, Jeffrey," Susie hissed. I gaped, and she fought to suppress a giggle.

"This is no laughing matter," I seethed. "This is a criminal offence for me - and you won't get away scot free either. It'll be all over the papers - 'Teenage Twosome in Toilet Sex Shock Outrage' - let's see your dad explain that away at the golf club."

Susie ripped off my trousers. "Shut up moaning, Jeffrey and prepare to be Denise - no holding back - your life and my ever getting a car depend on her." She pulled the skirt out of the bag. "Don't just stand there, strip off."

When I emerged from under my shirt, she was dangling her bra before me. "Stop goggling, Jeffrey, and turn around."

"What a time to go topless, Susie."

"They should be for Denise's eyes only; put your arms through here, Jeffrey."

"This won't work," I moaned. "The woman's a toilet attendant Susie - she's seen it all. A handful of tissue won't fool her."

"Shut up and think girl." Susie got her way and I prayed for a miracle. "How's that, Jeffrey?"

"Nice and warm, Susie." While she put her top back on, I manipulated my puppy fat in the cups. I had a fair amount to work on, but this bra must give a girl a little help. "Look at this," I cried in astonishment, "I've got cleavage."

"Not so loud," Susie shushed, before peering down my front. "Golly, Jeffrey, they're a couple of little beauties - when we get out of here, we'll have some fun with those."

I jiggled them up and down. "God bless them, Susie, aren't they wonderful? They're going to keep me out of jail."

"I knew you had them in you, Jeffrey, but far be it from me to say I told you so. Now stop playing with Pinky and Perky, get your shirt back on and step into this."

Susie drew the skirt up to my waist. "You're wearing girl's knickers."

"No I'm not, these are definitely boy's briefs - I checked the packaging."

"There's no opening at the front and ... Jeffrey, where's your tackle gone?"

"Everything shot up when that woman knocked on the door - it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water over me." Susie gave an exploratory poke. "Don't do that," I pleaded, "you'll have them going up and down like a juggler's balls."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, tuck your shirt in and I'll do up your skirt."

She stood back and I could see her nipples thrusting out from under her top. "Should I wear my tie?" I asked weakly.

"Yes, yes - halfway up and undo your top buttons - as if you'd loosened your clothing to get some air."

I couldn't argue with that, but when she approached with her very red lipstick, I began to have qualms. "Hold on, Susie, what with showing my bra and this short skirt, I'm going to look a right little trollop."

"No you won't - you'll just be an innocent schoolgirl trying to look grown-up. Now stand still."

A shiver went through me as Susie applied the lipstick. "It's a wonderful sensation, isn't it. Jeffrey?" she purred.

"It makes me feel self-conscious," I muttered.

"Girl-conscious you mean," Susie breathed. "Here let me put your hair in bunches, that'll top off your fantasy."

I obeyed and she finished me off with a long spray of perfume. "Gee, Jeffrey, you smell nice, just like my lingerie drawer."

"I wish I'd run away, Susie."

"Nonsense, you wouldn't have missed this for the world."

She stood back admiring her handiwork and a broad grin came over her face. "If you do get rumbled, it's going to be one hell of a mugshot."

"Be honest Susie," I said in alarm, "what do I look like?"

"You look like my kid sister." She dangled the red boots and shoulder bag in front of me. "Get these on, Jeffrey and then Denise can step out of the cubicle."

"Are you sure that you're all right, dear? You still look a little flushed."

"She'll be fine," Susie lowered her voice, "she just doesn't want to be alone when she's you know ..."

The attendant nodded sympathetically.

"She likes to have her big sister with her, don't you, Denise?"

"Yes, Susie," I whispered, "this is a scary experience." She hugged me to her and I rested my head on her shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you," I choked. To be quite honest, I think Denise may be a bit of a ham.

"Don't upset yourself love." The lady stroked my hair - even as Jeffrey, women want to mother me. "I'm sorry that I was a bit abrupt before, but rules are rules. Would you like a sit down and a cup of tea?"

"That's very kind of you," Susie smiled, "but we should be getting home - we're already late. Come on, best foot forward, Denise."

I waved a shy goodbye and arm in arm we stepped out into the street. Max had vanished. I silently cursed him - this was all his fault. "Let's get out of here and find a quiet spot where I can change."

Susie wasn't giving up her little sister that easily; we had another session of window-shopping on the way back. "How would Cinderella like to go to the ball in that dress?"

The price was eye watering. "Oh no, Susie, I see myself as a poor little waif dressed in rags."

"Ah, that's a very revealing psychological insight."

"Oh please, Susie, not now. If we were at home or a hundred miles from home, I wouldn't mind discussing it with you. But at the moment, I want to get away from here before any more complications arise."

"There's no danger; we can have some girl time together. Don't deny it, you enjoyed being Denise on Sunday."

"I wasn't parading in a short skirt and flashing my boobs at all and sundry then. And you're no better; your breasts are jiggling around like nobody's business. Look, those lads over there are ogling us like crazy, and I can't blame them."

"That should do wonders for your confidence."

"It'll do me no good at all if we run into somebody who knows us. How can I explain this away?"

"Deny everything, Denise; shake your boobs under their nose and ask them if Jeffrey's got a pair of these."

"That's enough, Susie." I steered her over to a bench. "There's twenty pounds in my pants pocket, get yourself a bra, and then it's straight home via some quiet back alley where Jeffrey can re-emerge."

"If you insist." I did up my shirt and tie while she dug into the carrier bag. I was making myself comfortable when she looked up. "I didn't say anything before, but I was surprised at your unbridled enthusiasm for baby breasts."

"I was convinced they were my passport out of there - it was such a relief." I paused. "But I have to admit it was love at first sight." I sighed. "I think I may be something of a narcissist on top of everything else - what a mess I am."

"You're a nice mess, Denise." Susie ran a finger over my shirt. "Don't you wonder where they come from?"

"They're just fat, before I started biking over the summer, I was a chubby little fellow. These are the last remnants of too much peanut butter." She looked dubious. "Honest, Susie, they're nothing compared to some of the sights I've seen in the changing rooms - talk about page three girls."

"But you're not a big fat boy - has nobody said anything?"

"This year I haven't turned up for P.E.; it's last period on Friday and I spend the time in the library. I only have one other free period; I think I deserve a little perk for taking double maths. Anyway, they seem to be turning a blind eye to it for now."

"You could poke their eyes out with those," Susie smiled. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be flippant, but they're a real bonus for me."

"That's fine, as long as you don't go googling to find out about boys with boobs."

"You want to let sleeping puppies lie, then."

"Please," I cupped them in my hands, "but they'll always be delighted to sit up and beg for you."

I undid my tie and loosened my top buttons. "Thank God you finally decided; I thought we were never going to get out of there."

"You didn't mind me spending the lot?"

"No, I'm too far gone to care - half an hour of browsing through women's underwear with you and money means nothing to me."

Susie smiled benevolently. "You say the nicest things, Denise."

I let it pass and looked anxiously down the street. "I wish you hadn't talked me out of getting back to Jeffrey in one of the changing rooms."

"There was no sense in taking unnecessary chances."

"But ..."

"Stop fretting, you're bullet-proof - Denise could be a lingerie model."

"Don't exaggerate."

"Would I do that? You're a perfect junior miss."

I was in the middle of giving her a cheeky pout, when I heard a voice that made my nipples tingle.

"Over here, Susie."

I looked up and there was Harriet waving away, worse she had already set off towards us. "I'm sunk, Susie."

"Leave it to me, Jeffrey, all is not lost; she likes you - in her eyes you've been a perfect little matchmaker."

"That Robbie," Harriet exploded as she reached Susie, "I was five minutes in a shop and he vanished. Did I make a mistake there! You'd think a dedicated athlete like that would welcome the chance to relax in sympathetic female company. All he does is talk sport and eat bananas - he could at least have offered me one. I'm a growing girl - not that he's noticed. The way he behaved Wednesday afternoon, I thought I'd have to fight him off. It's a bloody mystery."

She paused for breath. "Sorry, Susie, your friend must think I'm mad." She turned towards me. "I'm Harriet."

"This is Denise, she's one of our new neighbours."

"Pleased to meet you, Denise. That's a nice skirt - is it new?"

I managed a nod and looked desperately at Susie.

"Denise has had a funny turn, I'm taking her home."

"You look awfully pale." Harriet stared into my eyes. "Jesus, Susie, it's Jeffrey; he looks like Lolita and he's got breasts. What the hell's going on?"

"Shush, Harriet, it's Denise in public. Let's go sit over there and I'll explain."

I did up my shirt and sat at the far end of the bench. I knew Susie would be spinning some fantastical tale and I didn't want to hear it. Sure enough, Harriet's eyes widened and her mouth flopped open. Perhaps the best I can hope for is that she thinks we're both barking mad.

Susie patted the seat and I slid over. "I've let Harriet in on your troubles."

"Yes, Denise, you're a very brave girl - it must have been awful for you, living a lie all these years." She clasped my hand. "I understand your delicate psychological state; I won't breathe a word of this to anyone - your secret's safe with me."

Susie drew us together in a three-way hug. "Say thank you, Denise."

"I'm lost for words - there can't be many people as uncritically believing as you, Harriet."

I felt a dig in the ribs and Susie hissed in my ear. "Don't bugger up my good work, Jeffrey - let's hear some sympathetic girl-talk from you."

I gave it my best shot. "You deserve better than Robbie, Harriet. I had a year of him talking to me about his sporting prowess - I know how wearing it can be."

"You're so right, Denise, but at least you didn't have him droning on about his car. He's in love with it - he inspected my shoes before he let me get in." She shook her head. "Another major disappointment - I was hoping he had a shoe fetish - at least it would have been a start."

Susie nodded understandingly. "It's not your fault, Harriet, those rugger types don't make good boyfriends. Actually, Linda was probably right, I don't think Robbie would mind having one of his team-mates rub in the embrocation."

Harriet shrugged resignedly. "I did so want a big hunk."

I felt a presence hovering over my shoulder and then it went dark. "Guess who, Tiger," someone laughed.

"Get off her, Max, Denise is in no mood for silly games."

Oh, sugar - I pulled his hands away and turned around.

"Bloody hell, girl, you're certainly not in tomboy mode today - can I change my mind about you?"

"Down, boy," Susie warned, "we're lipstick lesbians today, but be nice to Harriet here and you may have a nice surprise."

"Don't be put off by my earthy approach," he smiled at her, "I'm only a simple rustic from over the river. I don't get to meet many sophisticated ladies at young farmers' dances."

I could see only trouble for me in them getting off together, but obviously Susie knows better. "We had a little run in with Max on Sunday," she explained to Harriet. "But in the end he showed his true colours and behaved like one of nature's gentlemen, didn't he, Denise?"

"No girl could have asked for more, Susie."

Susie glanced at Harriet who returned a nod. "Come on, Denise, it's time we were getting home."

Max and Harriet seemed anxious to be alone so we exchanged quick goodbyes. I can only hope they fall head over heels in love and forget all about me.

"I suppose you told her the same story as Robbie."

"Basically, but I added one or two little embellishments."

"Go on, I'd better know exactly what I'm supposed to be."

"Well, she was so impressed by your boobs, I made out that they were the real thing."

"Susie!"

"Well, they are in a way," she protested. "Anyhow that excited her curiosity about you know what and I knew instantly how to get her full sympathy." She paused. "You don't want to know all the details, do you, Jeffrey?"

"Go on, Susie."

"Well, I just told her that you're not one hundred percent boy down below."

I displayed commendable restraint. "And what exactly does that mean, Susie?"

"I don't know." She threw up her hands. "I'm not a sexologist or whatever. But don't worry," she smiled, "Harriet's convinced. She swallowed it hook, line, and sinker when I told her you were totally female where it counted - in the head."

"Oh, Susie, what on earth inspires you to say such things?"

"Don't fret, Jeffrey, it worked like a charm; she thinks that you're a girl with a little unfortunate extra plumbing."

"You've a febrile imagination, Susie."

"I know - I'm absolutely bursting with ideas. If psycholpogy wasn't my vocation, I'd be tempted by a career in advertising."

"I said ... oh never mind."

She gave me a playful poke "Come on, Jeffrey, get it off your chest."

I decided to try another tack. "Don't you ever think before you speak?"

"There's no need. I'm truly a people person - I seem to know instinctively just what to say."

"Yes, Susie, it's a remarkable gift and you use it so selflessly, always thinking of others."

"That's right, with power comes responsibility; I must be careful not to abuse it."

"I don't think there's any danger of that; you're a paragon of virtue, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, it's nice to be appreciated." She picked up her bag and looked around. "I wonder where Robbie is - perhaps I can persuade him to give us a ride home."

"Please no, Susie."

 

Chapter 9

We'd circled the shops once again. I was anxious to get away. "My feet are hurting, Susie - these boots aren't made for walking."

"They only need breaking in, Jeffrey - think of it as character building."

"There's no sign of Robbie, let's go home."

"Not yet, I've had an idea - one Jeffrey would have suggested straight away." Susie rolled her eyes. "Oooh, Denise, the lipstick must have found its way to your brain."

"This way, then, if you insist." I turned around and headed towards the car park. "I just hope he's buggered off home."

"You've been deliberately letting me traipse aimlessly around," Susie scolded and hurried after me.

I was out of luck: we had no trouble finding Robbie's car. "I know what you're up to Susie and you're wasting your time; he'll never let you drive it."

"You underestimate me - and yourself; hop on the bonnet and hitch up your skirt."

"I'm not seducing him," I spluttered.

"You already have, you little minx."

"Not consciously - I wouldn't know where to start."

"Don't come the innocent - every time I look at your boobs you bat your bloody eyelashes at me."

"That's different - it's fun flirting with you. I'm certainly not giving Robbie any encouragement - it's far too dangerous."

"All you have to do is be polite - his hormones will do the rest. There's nothing to worry about - three's a crowd."

"Your schemes have one thing in common - they go wrong and land me in trouble."

"Well, it's too late now - here he comes."

I turned around and moved in behind Susie. Robbie waved and broke into a run. "Aw, this will end in disaster, and all because of your mad desire to get behind a steering wheel."

"Nonsense, I'm thinking of your welfare too; this way you can change in the car and be delivered home as Jeffrey. Isn't that what you want?"

"Yes, but I'm not doing any stripping around Robbie," I hissed. "He's way too fascinated with my figure - I'd rather face my mum as Denise, breasts and all."

"All right, we can work something out about that on the way. Don't worry, I'll sit up front and you'll be safe on your own in the back."

"Okay," I shrugged, "but you do all the talking - tell him this is Denise's debut and she's paralysed with fear." I took comfort in the hope that with any luck she'll shatter his big end.

Robbie scrunched to a halt. "Wow, Jeffrey, Susie wasn't kidding, you really are turning into a girl."

"Call her Denise when she's dressed like this - we don't want to draw attention to ourselves."

"I understand." He gave me a long appraising look. "I don't know what to say; I've your photo in my wallet, but in the flesh you're something else."

I tried not to cringe and smiled weakly back at him. I decided to make the best of it and get that picture back if I could.

"Denise has had an attack of the vapours - her first time out is proving an overwhelming experience. Would you give us a ride home? We'd be ever so grateful."

"Nothing would please me more," Robbie smiled and held open the front door. To his obvious disappointment, Susie hopped in. While Robbie circled to the driver's side, polishing as he went, I dived in the back and locked the doors - I didn't want any help with the seatbelt.

Susie turned to me. "It's so frustrating," she moaned, "I've got you exactly as I want you and I can't do anything about it. Promise me Denise, on our first outing in my own car, you'll be securely restrained alongside me."

"Don't worry, if that comes to pass, there won't be a seatbelt tight enough - or an airbag big enough."

"I'm a natural, Jeffrey," she huffed, "I could pass my test now." She leaned over. "You cooperate and I'll be able to give you a demonstration."

I felt a tremor of alarm. "Remember we're the lovers, he's the gooseberry. I don't want you having a joyride in Robbie's car, while he's having a joyride in me."

"Calm yourself, Jeffrey; you'll be in no danger - I'll have everything under control."

I sank back. It was too late to do anything now, Robbie was easing himself into his seat - so I did what any sensible girl would, I recovered the comb from my boy clothes.

"We're in no hurry to get home - how about a spin along the prom? I can pick up some driving tips from you, and Denise can straighten out the kinks in your relationship."

"We have no relationship," I fumed. "We never have had and never will have, all I want from him is my picture back. I've nothing more to say. Take me home." I slumped in my seat.

For the next five minutes, there was silence except for a strange grinding noise when he changed gear. Given a chance, Susie will surely wreck his pride and joy.

Susie broke the silence. "This is great; we've plenty of time, how about letting me have a drive?"

"Yeah sure, we can go in the sunken car park - no one uses it."

Susie looked over her shoulder. "Is that okay with you, Denise?"

I shrugged. "Whatever."

They swapped seats. Robbie was happy to show off to an appreciative audience for the next half hour and I was happy to be ignored. I loosened my tie undid my top buttons and closed my eyes.

"You're quiet back there; is everything okay?"

"Let's have your jacket, Robbie, I'm cold." He was happy to oblige. I draped it over my knees, but not before I removed his wallet. There it was, the incriminating photo; it was a bit tacky, but Denise is made of sterner stuff than Jeffrey - I quietly tore it into tiny pieces and stuffed it in my bag.

"Are you comfortable now, Denise."

"Quite, thank you." I couldn't help noticing he wasn't short of cash - and he had a credit card. But I'm not that kind of a girl - I may be beggared by Susie, but I won't be buggered by Robbie. I was ready for home. "Can we call it a day? Going round and round is making me giddy."

Robbie turned his head. "That's something we could try - how many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?"

"Ask Susie," I pouted, "she knows more about Denise than I do."

"Two Babychams I hope, and don't call her Dizzy," she laughed. "Denise is a serious girl - she wants to be a librarian."

Robbie looked bemused. "He doesn't get it, Susie," I scoffed. "He must have put his head in where it hurts once too often."

"Just because I don't get some stupid private girly joke."

"Don't let Denise upset you; I think you've been wonderful teaching me like this. I just wish I didn't have to keep going in circles - is there somewhere else we could go? That would give you and Denise a chance for a little tete a tete."

"I know what - swap over and I'll drive us down onto the sands. You can drive around there to your heart's content."

I would have marvelled at his gullibility, if I hadn't been sitting there dressed as a schoolgirl.

Robbie drove onto the hard sand, deliberately scattering a gang of footballing kids in the process. I hoped he would come to regret bugging them.

Susie took the wheel, revved the engine and yelled out, '"Once more onto the beach dear friends."

I should have been alarmed, but I slumped down, and sang 'Que Sera, Sera' to myself, as she prepared for what I knew would be her attempt on the world sand speed record.

Robbie scrambled over into the back seat. "You don't mind if I join you, do you, Denise?" The car lurched forward. "Here let me tighten your seat belt."

I wasn't too alarmed: I was putting my faith in Susie and the shifting, sinking sands. Robbie managed a surreptitious feel of my chest and then stared fixedly at my little mounds. "If you're so fascinated by breasts get yourself a real girl - it'll be a lot less trouble in the long run."

"I'm not into girls, you know that."

"I don't believe you. Bloody hell, the opportunities you must have had with your rugger mates - and what do you do? Pick on the girliest boy you can find, and the girlier he gets the hornier you get. How do you explain that?"

Susie turned her head. "It's a case of ..."

"No prompting - keep your eyes on the sands - you don't want to run down a whelk."

Robbie cleared his throat. "Well, Denise ..."

"I wish you wouldn't call me that - I'm Jeffrey."

"You told me to," he protested.

"Only in public: you know and I know that I'm Jeffrey."

"You should take a good look at yourself; it feels wrong to call you Jeffrey."

"That just goes to prove you really want a girl."

"No I don't: I want a ladyboy like you."

Susie guffawed and I spluttered. "A ladyboy?"

"Yes, Jeffrey, I've always liked you and I couldn't figure out why - then I saw those Thai ladyboys on YouTube." He lowered his voice. "I've been wanking off to them all summer. Don't you see - you're my wet dream made flesh."

"Oh, Susie, are you listening to this? You and that YouTube will be the death of me." I looked Robbie straight in the eye. "Get this - no way am I a ladyboy. In fact, this last week I've set a personal best for butch behaviour."

"What about these?" He squeezed my breasts. "You must be taking hormones by the bucketful."

"Bloody gerroff, that hurt." I swiped his hands away. "They're nothing more than humble puppy fat elevated by the miracle of modern bra mechanics."

"Rubbish - come here, Denise."

"Susie," I screamed, "he's going to kiss me - do something."

"Oh no, he's not." She swung the wheel hard over.

Robbie pitched forward on top of me. "Wrong way, Susie - he's going to ruin your skirt."

The car lurched in the opposite direction and Robbie fell back, cracking his head on the window. "That's right - now send him back, I've got my comb at the ready - let's see if it works."

Susie accelerated and threw him back my way. I pulled his head back by the hair and ran the teeth under his nose.

"Aarrrgghhhh!" Robbie threw up his hands in pain.

"That's just a warning; if it comes in range again, I'll bite it off."

Susie was being carried away as well and after her next turn, we careered along on two wheels. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she cried, as we entered a water filled gully.

"Oooooohhhhhh!"

"Fasten your seatbelts!"

"Oooooohhhhhh!"

The car tipped onto its side and we skidded along before finally juddering to a halt. "Captain Jones speaking - prepare to abandon ship."

I needed no urging. I freed myself and flung the door open. "Women and children first," I cried and, grabbing a bag, thrust off from Robbie's head. The car had pushed through the other bank and I didn't even get my feet wet when I dropped down onto the sand.

"Here I come." Susie followed my lead and clambered out over Robbie.

I helped her down and we surveyed the wreckage. "It's the same old story, Jeffrey, a car accident caused by an excess of testosterone." She put her arm around my shoulder. "Be grateful you were in the brains queue when they were handing it out."

"I am, Susie. Robbie used to be a real gentleman - now he's like Jekyll and Hyde." I adjusted my bra strap and gave a rueful smile. "Look at me - I've no room to talk."

She squeezed me tightly. "Don't worry, Denise and Jeffrey are both good guys."

I gave a sniff and then another. "I can smell petrol, Susie - better get him out of there and then we can leg it. I don't fancy having to give anyone my name and address."

Robbie saved us the trouble and stood up inside the car. We both stared at him. "That's one hell of a red nose, Jeffrey - is that your doing?"

"Yeah, Susie, but you're responsible for the purple face."

"What word am I searching for, Jeffrey?"

"Apoplectic, Susie, apoplectic."

"Spot on, Denise - do you think Beauty could soothe the Beast?"

I needed my boy clothes so I gave Robbie what I hoped was a winsome look. "For old times' sake, would you throw out our bag?"

Robbie swung a leg out of the door. "I'm going to bloody kill you, you bloody little pervert."

"Come on, Susie, run; you've totalled his one true love."

We hared off across the sand. "Exit stage left: pursued by an angry gorilla," Susie laughed and then gasped. "Before I forget, Jeffrey, what did you think of my driving?"

"Like everything else about you, it was breathtaking. At the end there I could have sworn the William Tell Overture was playing."

"It was the Ride of the Valkyrie, Jeffrey."

Halfway up the beach I risked a look over my shoulder. "We're safe, Susie; Robbie's got his work cut out fending off that gang of kids." I couldn't suppress a grin. "We sandgrown 'uns believe anything wrecked on the beach is ours to salvage."

We sat on the seawall and watched the melee around Robbie's car. "Who do you call in a case like this, Jeffrey - the police, the coastguard, or a breakdown service?"

"Well if events take their usual course, it'll be a job for the fire brigade. Kids love a bonfire on the beach."

"Do you think he's made a tactical error in chasing down his sat-nav?"

An arc of flame shot up in the air. "Certainly looks like it."

"I've never seen a car burn before - do you think it'll explode?"

"They seem to think so, because they're running like hell."

"I'm beginning to feel a little guilty, Jeffrey."

"Don't, Susie, boys will be boys. I'm just thankful we avoided a further encounter with the quicksand." I stood up and smoothed out my clothes. "It would have been a shame to get all messed up."

Susie looked me over. "Denise has come out of this rather well, Jeffrey. Hardly a hair out of place, makeup still intact, and best of all, no damage to my skirt and boots."

"Thank you - I've tried to take care of them as if they were my own. I want you to feel you can trust me with your clothes. The way things are going, I'll soon have none left - two sets lost in less than a week."

"You did the right thing, saving our lingerie before your boy stuff."

I was about to protest, but Susie shushed me. "Actions speak louder than words, Jeffrey - save your breath, it's a long walk home."

We were halfway down the ramp when we heard the explosion and a loud chorus of cheers.

"Motoring can be an expensive pursuit for a teenager, Susie, I think we should stick to our little hobby."

"Our little hobby," she smiled, "is that what this is going to be?"

"Well winter's coming and it's cold and lonely out in my shed; a shared indoor pastime has its attractions. I hope hobbies aren't too much of a boring boy thing for you."

"I'm willing to make the sacrifice, Jeffrey, it's important for a couple to have a mutual interest - something they like doing together. It deepens the bond between them."

"I can't argue with you there, Susie; this does add something extra to our relationship." I took her hand. "One thing though, next time hobbywise, let's make it more like stamp collecting than white water rafting."

"That's okay by me, Jeffrey," she beamed, "we'll have a quiet night in - a bedroom session. I'll plait your hair and paint your nails. How does that sound?"

"After today Susie, bliss - perfect bliss."