"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

Susie and Jeffrey 4 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 4

"It's part of my fantasy," Susie pleaded, "Come on, it won't hurt to wear the bra."

"It's surplus to requirements: I've nothing to put in it."

"You'd be surprised, Jeffrey, these modern bras can make molehills out of puppy fat."

"This is no time for me to start cultivating a pair of budding breasts. Use your imagination - it shouldn't be too difficult, this jacket seems to have a shape all of its own."

"You're right, Jeffrey, it sits very well on you. I can believe you've a pert little bosom under there."

"No, Susie, what I've got is a pert little bottom and perky little boobs."

"Many a true word is spoken in jest: once I get you a real push-up bra, you'll be saying 'Hello boys' in no time."

I sighed. Is there a name for girls like, Susie? I wonder what Google would turn up.

Listen to this, Jeffrey. "We're snogging away, both wearing red lipstick and rubbing our breasts together." I was glad she closed her eyes because I didn't know where to look. "Ooh, I'll be thinking about that in bed tonight - how about you?"

"That's way out of my league - I've been more than happy fantasizing about BBC weather girls."

Susie shook her head and took a deep breath. "We should calm down, Jeffrey, we've had enough adventures for one day. That's something for the future."

"Susie, this morning circumstances have weirdly conspired against me. In fact, if I hadn't read Feller on random walks and coin tossing, I'd be dragging you off to the ducking stool."

"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Leave it to me, Jeffrey, as soon as I get home, I'll be googling away."

Sometimes I may be too smart for my own good.

I stowed the bags in the trailer and we were ready to start for home.

"What's the matter, Susie?" I enquired, as she ran her hand over my saddle.

"I think I'll ride my own bike, Jeffrey; it's more comfortable. I'm a bit sore downstairs."

"Anything of that kind and my grandmother brings out the Fiery Jack."

Susie frowned. "That sounds a touch harsh for what I had in mind."

"You may be right, but it has its uses: it certainly stops dogs licking their bollocks."

"Behave, Jeffrey - we don't want you letting the side down. Remember how you're dressed."

"That reminds me of another sensitive matter, Susie, I'm a bit embarrassed to ask ..."

"Don't be, Jeffrey, as far as you're concerned I'm unshockable. Spit it out."

"Is there any chance of getting some of my money back?"

"Jeffrey, I'm shocked. I'm the girl who gave you the clothes off her back. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine," she huffed. "Besides, you snaffled that jacket and they're a hundred pounds in the shops; I'd planned on adding it to my wardrobe."

"I'll sell it you for fifty."

"But you think it's a fake, Jeffrey."

"I've changed my mind; girls are allowed to do that aren't they?"

"It really does make you look very girly, Jeffrey."

"Tease all you like, I'm hanging onto it until you pay up - I don't care if it makes me look like Helen of Troy."

"There's a thought, Jeffrey."

"No more fantasies please, Susie. Let's concentrate on getting home safely. If anything happens to me, it'll be your fault. I'm vulnerable dressed like this."

"Worry not, I'll fend off any overenthusiastic admirers."

"That's not what I meant," I complained. "I'll just have to keep my head down and trust to luck. We'll take the old road home, that way there's no danger of being clobbered by some madman at a roundabout."

"Well, at least you'd be wearing clean underwear. I trust you're wearing panties, Jeffrey - you don't want to get a reputation."

"Thanks for your concern, Susie. I am wearing them, and very nice they are. Now let's go."

We headed west into a perfect rainbow. I was expecting a mystic interpretation of this sign from above, but Susie surprised me. "My dad listens to the juke box show on local radio - he inflicts it on all of us."

"Good on your dad, that's one thing we'll have in common - I love the oldies."

"Are you familiar with a little ditty of Randy and the Rainbows?"

"Only too familiar, they play it every other week."

"Sing along Jeffrey."

I joined in. We were halfway through Sunday Girl when Susie got a puncture.

"You don't seem too put out, Jeffrey."

"I'm not, Susie, it's just a minor inconvenience. I've got the tools - and the pump. Mending a puncture will be a welcome return to normality after this morning's trials."

I had the wheel off and started in with the tire levers. "Do you want me to hold your jacket, Jeffrey?"

"No thanks, I've grown quite attached to it. I think it suits me," I said as I stripped the tyre off.

"I've a leather skirt at home, you can borrow it and go for the full biker girl look."

"As you said, that's way too butch for me. Here, run your hand around inside this tyre - see if there's anything sharp poking through. That's no job for a delicate little flower like me."

Everything went smoothly. I was bending over, pressing down the patch when I heard a squeal of brakes. "Don't panic, Jeffrey," Susie hissed, "we've got company."

"Hello, girls, having trouble," whooped a cheery voice from behind me. "It looks like you're in need of a man. I'm Max by name and max by nature."

"Max?" Susie queried. "That's a dog's name. We know a thing or two about handling dogs."

"I like cheeky girls. What're your names?"

"None of your business, and stop ogling Denise's bum."

I became acutely aware of my cyclist's bottom straining at my jeans. I just knew we were in for a full on flirting session. My best hope was to be a silent, sulky girl and hide behind my hair.

I turned around and laid eyes on a burly boy about our age. "Good thing I came along, you'd struggle to get the tyre back on - that needs real muscles." He flexed his biceps. "Here, Denise, squeeze these."

I looked down and mumbled, "It requires technique not brute strength."

"I've had no complaints about my technique," he smirked and snatched the inner tube from me.

I scurried over to Susie's side. She pulled me into her and whispered, "It's all right, Jeffrey, you're in no danger, Bugs Bunny in drag would fool him."

"That's not very flattering, Susie."

"Don't pout, Denise; you're a little fox. He's already got his eye on your assets," She squeezed my bum. "You may respond in kind, Jeffrey."

We stood there fondling each other's bottoms. I began to feel quite giddy.

"Do you know what this is, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, Susie - it's anti-aversion therapy."

Max looked up, red-faced from struggling with the wheel. "What's up, doc?" Susie called out.

"I can't get enough leverage to force this last bit home," he puffed. "What I need is a big screwdriver."

"Can you assist him in that department, Denise?"

"Afraid not, I only carry a mini tool kit."

"Just like a girl," he snorted, and renewed his assault on the tyre. "Damn, now I've bruised my bloody thumbs." He threw the wheel down and flailed his arms about. "I think this bloody tyre must have shrunk," he whined.

We were going to be here all day; I went over and got down on my hands and knees. I pushed a couple of levers home, and thrust forward. The tyre popped into place.

"You'll have to teach me that trick, Denise, after I've shown you a few of mine," Max smirked. "How about it?"

The smack on the bottom surprised me and I went sprawling. I turned around to see Susie deliver a hefty kick up the backside. "Keep your hands to yourself, you bloody letch."

"All right, all right, I didn't mean any harm. It was just a bit of fun. Here, let me finish off the job."

After a further struggle, he got the wheel in and pumped up the tyre with a flourish. "That was more in my line. The business with the wheel must have been some sort of fluke. Let's see," he mocked, "if technique can overcome brute strength at arm wrestling. I'll take you both on at once."

"Oh you naughty girl, Denise," Susie laughed, "you've punctured his male pride."

The old Jeffrey would have shrugged off his challenge, but Susie's bringing out the boy in me. I saw a way to recoup my losses. "If we had a table I'd take you on; the fact of the matter is you're a bit of a porker."

"I'm solid muscle."

"It's burger fat. You're Big Mac Max."

His eyes popped. "If you weren't a bloody girl, I'd soon teach you a lesson."

"You want to show me what you're made of, okay, how about this? I'll race you to the top of the next hill. What's more, I'll start from here; you can start from the bottom of the hill. But I want your bike if I win."

That took him by surprise. I had time to study his face; I didn't need female intuition to know the way his mind was working. "Okay, but," he slyly added, "I want an incentive as well."

"Like what?"

"A full snogging session with both of you," he leered.

"You're on," I replied without hesitation.

"Denise, Denise, come over here," Susie cried, and dragged me away.

"Have you gone mad, Jeffrey?"

"This is all down to you, Susie."

"I've released a monster from the id. You're not supposed to behave like this."

"That's what happens when you meddle in things you don't understand. It's nemesis, Susie."

"We can discuss philosophy later. There's no way I'm snogging Porky Pig and I'm not having him snog you either."

"Calm down, Susie, he's a tub of lard. He couldn't even go three rounds with that tyre."

"There's muscle under there somewhere, and he'll be sitting down this time."

"He won't be sitting down for long; that's a vicious climb and it goes up for a quarter of a mile. He's no chance."

"Bloody hell, Jeffrey, I wish I'd never started this."

"Ten minutes from now you'll deny you ever said that. Come on let's get back."

Susie looked serious. "Wait a minute, Jeffrey; you're not doing this so you have an excuse to kiss a boy, are you?"

"Gee, Susie, you're the one who knows all about my secret desires. Do you think subconsciously I want to lose? We'll just have to see."

"Please, Jeffrey don't do this, you could get hurt," Susie pleaded.

I would have liked to keep Susie in suspense, but she needed to know what I intended. "By the way, if I turn around and come racing back downhill, don't waste any time, head for the bypass; we'll be safe in all that traffic before he knows what's happened."

Susie laughed in relief. "I should have trusted you to have a plan B; you're turning out to be a devious little bugger, Jeffrey."

"I'm afraid I'm not a maid of honour, Susie."

"Nonsense, Denise: you just don't understand the difference between girl honour and boy honour."

Max gave Susie an unfriendly stare, "I hope you haven't talked her out of it."

"Denise has talked me into it - let's shake on the deal. No backsliding," Susie added solemnly, "whoever loses abides by the bet."

I went along with Max's attempt to impress me with his handshake. "Ouch, that hurt - you don't know your own strength."

"That's what you're up against little lady," he grinned. "We'll soon be playing tonsil tennis."

"Do you have to put up with this kind of thing, Susie?"

"No, Denise, Jeffrey's in touch with his feminine side."

"That doesn't sound like the Jeffrey I know. He may be a bit of a late bloomer, but at best, he's a self-centred inky swot; he can be - pardon my French - a right little shit at times."

"That's a sister's opinion - not the most objective."

"We're twins, Susie, I know exactly how Jeffrey's mind works."

"Sounds like a poofter to me," Max interrupted, "one of those Nature's played a cruel trick on."

"Psychology is my speciality," Susie offered, "you're a classic case, Max, if Jeffrey was here, you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off him."

"You don't know what you're talking about; wait until you see me and Denise at it, I'll show you which side my bread is buttered - and then I'll show you what a real man's like. I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted Denise to lose."

"Save your breath, Max, and on your bike," I ordered.

"Five minutes from now, you'll be the one who's gasping," he grunted, and gave us a determined look before setting off.

"Did you have to let him have that much of an advantage, Jeffrey?" Susie frowned, when Max reached the bottom of the hill, and waved he was ready.

"He's at least fifty percent heavier than me; he's going from a standing start in the wrong gear, and he's no wind. I'll be going full bore when I start climbing; I'll soar up past him. You can forget Plan B - you'll probably beat him yourself."

"Do you know what hubris is, Jeffrey?"

"Don't worry, Susie, I've already used up my share this morning."

I shut my eyes and steeled myself to kiss Max. He groaned and I opened my eyes. Thank God, he was coming round. I let go of his nose and jumped back.

"That would have been a selfless act, Jeffrey."

"It wouldn't have felt right taking a bike from a dead man, Susie."

Max sat up and coughed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Susie asked.

He coughed again. "A big gob of spit went down the wrong way; I couldn't get my breath."

"You gave it a good try, Max, but the best man won," I smiled.

"It wasn't fair making me start from the bottom; I slipped a gear and banged my ankle and then I ran over a squashed squirrel and halfway up I got a stitch," he spluttered.

"That would be just after I passed you."

"Yeah, if I'd got my second wind then, it would have been a different story."

"You've had a real run of bad luck, Max; you were a second away from being kissed like you've never been kissed before. Isn't that right, Denise?"

He looked over at me. "I still feel a bit dizzy - would you like to give me the kiss of life?"

"No thanks, I'll save it for the real thing - I've had enough practice with dummies."

Max got to his feet. "I don't think you're the girl for me after all. It wouldn't hurt to show a little tender loving care to an invalid."

"I hope you're fit enough to walk home because a bet's a bet," Susie reminded him. "We shook on the deal."

"Yeah, I may be a bit of a barbarian, but I'm a man of honour."

Susie and I exchanged a guilty look.

"Here's a little consolation prize - you can watch this. I promised I'd snog the winner. Come here, Denise, you're getting some more anti-aversion therapy."

"Susie gave my breath control a stern test, but I came through with flying colours and she broke off gasping."

"Do it again," Max urged and we obliged.

"What was it like?" Max asked, wide-eyed.

"Well for my part, it was just like kissing Jeffrey; I think I must be bisexual. How about you, Denise?"

"I'm definitely a lesbian, Susie. Sorry, Max."

"It's okay. No offence, but I didn't think you were such a ladette - you're too spunky for my taste. I want a girl who knows her place. Still you're something to think about on the walk home."

I was fuming, but I echoed Susie's, "Goodbye, Max."

I waited until he was out of earshot and turned to Susie. "He called me a ladette. Oh, Susie, what have you done to me? Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself as a lad of any sort - I'm an intellectual."

"Calm down, Jeffrey, he was hacked off at the drubbing you gave him."

"No, Susie, under your influence I'm turning into a common oik. That's not at all how I see myself. I should have treated him with total disdain."

"How do you see yourself as Denise?"

"I'm not playing those games. That way lies madness."

"Come on, you didn't mind our last little games."

I closed my eyes. "Denise is a librarian."

"Aw, Jeffrey, if you're going to have a fantasy have a good one."

"Denise is a librarian, you're a BBC weather girl and we're rubbing our breasts together."

"You're making good progress, Jeffrey."

I was feeling quite tranquil as we rolled along.

"Have you done this before, Jeffrey?"

"What, Susie?"

"Steered two bikes at the same time."

"No, I'm surprised how easy it is."

"You must be a well-balanced individual, Jeffrey."

"Thank you, Susie, maybe I just have a natural flair for it."

"How's my anti aversion therapy coming along, Jeffrey?"

"What do I know, I'm only the patient, you're the expert. I'm willing to continue the treatment, if that's what you think is best. Your last effort made my toes curl, so you may be on the right track."

"I'm sure I am, Jeffrey. You look one happy bunny."

"It's a full suspension mountain bike, Susie, I should more than get my money back."

"About that, Jeffrey, it was my lips on the line as well; I think I should get a reward; that jacket for starters."

"You can have all the clothes, Susie, and anything over fifty, I'll split with you. I'll be sorry to say goodbye to the jacket, I feel more assertive wearing it. Maybe I should get a motorcycle jacket, boots and a leather cap - what do you think?"

"It'd be a disaster. You can be a biker girl, but not a biker boy."

"You're right; I could never be happy as a macho man. I'm going for a drab baggy look from now on. I'm a bit worried about the signals my bottom's sending out; I don't want a repetition of this morning's events."

"Aw, Jeffrey, I was looking forward to some more friendly fondling."

"Oh, it's not out of bounds to you, Susie; you have administrative access."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I won't abuse the privilege. You know, everything considered, it's been a very satisfactory morning's work."

"For you maybe, I've still the problem of my mother. We're so late, she'll be waiting at the gate for me."

"She's overprotective since your dad died, isn't she?"

"Yes, she spoils me and I take advantage of her; I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. In spite of your little quirk, you're the best thing that could have happened to me. She was right about that."

"Stop it, Jeffrey, you're making me quite emotional."

"Sorry, Susie, I know what you mean."

We had a few silent moments before I said, "Throwing those bloody clothes away was a mistake, without them my mother's never going to believe the truth."

"Go in wearing the jeans and t-shirt. Tell her we swapped clothes for a bit of fun and I wouldn't give them back. Everyone does it."

"Do they, Susie?"

"Yes, Jeffrey: I'm just a little more enthusiastic about it than most - and so are you."

By the time we reached home, I'd decided to follow her advice. It sounded reasonable - but it was Susie's idea.

"What a relief," she groaned, "my thighs ache and my bottom's on fire. How do you manage with that saddle of yours, Jeffrey? You must have springs in your arse."

"Language, Susie."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, but I'm in extremis. I've never done twenty miles on a bike before. What I need is a long hot bath."

"Here take the jacket and blouse. Can you give the bike a home as well? I've run out of room in my shed."

"Okay, Jeffrey, here's a kiss for luck - see you later."

My mother was at the front gate looking up and down the road. All I'm wearing is a pair of girl's jeans, I thought, that's nothing to bother about. She will probably be so relieved to see me, she won't even notice.

"I'm home mum," I called and ran towards her open arms.

I'd let mum fuss over me and been duly apologetic. It was cruel of her to let me think I was getting away with it.

"Where did you get those jeans, Jeffrey?" she asked, as I edged over to the living room door, seeking the safety of my bedroom.

"They're Susie's, she thought it would be fun to swap. It seemed a bit strange, but she was insistent. I was too much of a gentleman to refuse."

"Why have you come home in them?"

"She wouldn't give me my pants back - she's a high-spirited girl."

My mother gave me a knowing smile. "What have you got on underneath, Jeffrey? Are you wearing her panties?"

"She's a perfectionist. I think she may be a little quirky'"

Mum put her hands on my shoulders. "Don't blame Susie. Do you remember telling me not to buy you any more boxer shorts? You said you wanted something with more support for when you were on your bike. Something more like I wore, you said - I took the hint, Jeffrey."

"That's right, you got me some cycling briefs - just like these ..." No wonder they seemed familiar. "Aargh, I've been wearing girl's knickers on my bike. Aw, mum, what if I'd had an accident?"

My mother pulled my head into her breast. "Don't pretend you didn't know, Jeffrey. It's all right, I'm not angry. I was so relieved to find out what had been troubling you these last few months. There had to be some explanation for your strange behaviour. You're a classic case, Jeffrey - I've been doing some research."

"You haven't been googling, have you?"

"No, I've got it straight from the horse's mouth - I've been recording daytime talk shows."

Mum's not even an ologist; God knows what rubbish she's picked up. "There's been a misunderstanding. I've a girlfriend now, just like you wanted and I'm more than happy with her."

"I'm sure you are, Jeffrey. You've known her for less than twenty-four hours and already you're wearing her clothes. You've found a little treasure there - not all girls would be so sympathetic."

"Sympathetic? Susie's enthusiastic," I spluttered.

Mum gave me a beatific smile. "Then you're doubly blessed, Jeffrey. You'll be so much happier now it's out in the open. I'm so grateful to Susie for getting you to share your secret with me. She's a wonderful girl - be guided by her, Jeffrey."

This is surreal, but after this morning's events, nothing surprises me. I'm going to make bloody sure I get something out of this. "Can I talk to you about something rather personal, mum? It's my biggest worry at the moment."

My mother wrapped me in her arms. "Come here, my little darling."

I'd forgotten how nice hugging your mother is. It spurred me on. "I don't think now would be a good time for me to have a stepfather."

"What are you talking about, Jeffrey?"

"You know, you said I needed a male role model. I thought you had that guy at work in mind - he seems pretty keen on you." I thought I might as well go for broke. "I don't like him."

"I don't like him either, Jeffrey. I was so frustrated with you I would have said anything. Don't worry baby, you're the only man in my life."

She can baby and darling me as much as she likes - at last, something's gone my way. As for the other thing - the least said the better.

"Would you like to help me with dinner, Jeffrey? I'm sure you'll want to help around the house a lot more in the future."

What's the use - I probably deserve all that's coming to me.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, your Prince has come."

I was roused with a kiss; it was very pleasant. "These afternoon naps leave one feeling so sleepy, Susie - can you help?"

Susie obliged with another kiss and sat on the edge of the bed. "I've had a long talk with your mother, Jeffrey, it seems you may have been less than frank with me."

"All I can say, Susie is no one's more surprised than I am. I've been such a secret cross-dresser that I didn't even know it myself."

"Come on ,Jeffrey, all boys have an underwear catalogue stashed away somewhere."

"You of all people should know I'm not your average boy."

Susie's grin alarmed me. "You didn't mention, Denise, did you?"

"Don't worry, I stuck to our story - I didn't get you in any deeper." She paused and put her hand on my knee. "Are you very upset?"

"The truth is my greatest worry has been kicked into the long grass - I'm definitely not getting a stepfather. Nothing could be as bad as that."

"So your mother's to have a new daughter instead of a new husband," Susie smiled.

"No - I have my doubts about exactly what my mum believes. Mothers always have a few tricks up their sleeve; maybe she thinks it's payback time."

"She couldn't fool me, Jeffrey, I know when people are lying - it's a gift I have."

"Perhaps what she told you and what she told me are two different things."

"I'd never deceive you, Jeffrey."

"It doesn't matter what the truth is, I've decided on my strategy. I'm going to help around the house, be more considerate and if mum wants to talk about things I'm not really interested in, well I'll do my best."

"You're going to behave like a daughter."

"No, I'm not. It's just that I won't be acting like a boorish teenage boy - there's a difference."

"If it walks like a duck ..."

"That's the second part of my strategy: I shan't be quacking or dressing like a duck. I'm showing no interest in girl's clothes at all, and if she brings up the subject, I'm going to be deliberately obtuse."

"Obtuse, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, obtuse: I shall also be naive and confused. I'm sorry, Susie, but I have to avoid all things girly in future. Eventually, I hope my mother will come to believe that this was just a passing fancy."

"Does this mean you don't want to see me anymore, Jeffrey?"

"Of course not, Susie, but perhaps you won't want to see me."

"I shouldn't tell you this, Jeffrey, but you've captured my heart."

"Sometimes, Susie," I smiled, "I think you really do know something about psychology."

"I have another confession to make: I've given the bike to my little brother."

"That's okay; I'll settle for fifty pounds as it's family."

"He insisted I give it him, Jeffrey - I have to keep him sweet."

"I think you should explain, Susie."

"I didn't force him, Jeffrey. He was more than willing - I just helped him along."

"Are we talking about your little quirk?"

"It's not a quirk. All sisters dress up their little brothers. I took the whole blame when dad found out. He's a bit old fashioned in that respect; I got a right rollicking."

"That was noble of you, Susie, but I don't understand, shouldn't he be grateful to you?"

"That was then: now he's a stroppy teenager. He's threatened to tell dad I've been getting up to my old tricks again."

"Why would he take his word for it rather than yours?"

"Believe it or not, Jeffrey, I've told a few whoppers in my time. And I'm still under a cloud from the car incident."

"The car incident?"

"I scratched the car. That's why I'm short of the readies; I'm still paying it off."

"That was careless, Susie; what did you scratch it with."

"The gatepost, Jeffrey. I wanted to have a flying start next year when I learn to drive."

"So my fifty pounds is contributing to your dad's car repairs."

"And a new gatepost. I didn't hit the old one that hard - it was already wonky."

"Oh, Susie, is every day with you going to be like this?"

She put her arm around me. "I can't promise, Jeffrey, but I'll do my best."

I laughed. "I'm hoping after a good night's sleep and a morning of double, double maths it will seem like today happened to someone else."

She looked into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Jeffrey, I can't help myself, I'll always want that someone else. Do you mind?"

"You're a funny girl, Susie."

"So are you, Jeffrey."