"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 5

"Isn't this romantic, Jeffrey?" Susie sighed and slipped her hand into mine. "I'm so happy having a boy walk me to school."

"I think you may be developing a serious sense of irony, Susie."

"No I really like it; change and change about appeals to me, Jeffrey."

"I wish you'd been content with a boy yesterday; thanks to our gender bending shenanigans, I had to make the breakfast this morning. Come over tonight and we can do some female bonding over the ironing board."

"A little domestication will do you no harm, Jeffrey; you were being spoiled for marriage. I've saved you from eternal bachelorhood."

"Between you and my mother, I'm going to make someone a wonderful wife."

Susie linked arms. "You'll make me a perfect mate."

"We're only sixteen, Susie."

"I know, Jeffrey, but there's no harm in showing some maturity and planning ahead. You should take a lesson from me; if you carry on like yesterday, you may become something of a flippertygibbet."

"Susie, you've rendered me speechless."

She smiled and linked me even tighter. "Jeffrey."

"Yes, Susie."

"You haven't said you like my school uniform." She twirled around. "I've made a special effort for you."

"I'm sorry, Susie, this is all new to me; I don't want to say anything sexist," I added cautiously.

"It's all right, you can tell me if you prefer a short skirt to trousers," she cajoled.

"I know where this is going, Susie, and I'm not falling for it. We're not changing clothes. I've given my mother enough ammunition already; I'm one step away from ballet lessons."

"You've got it all wrong, Jeffrey; I don't want to swap - I want us to be a pair of schoolgirls, naughty schoolgirls," she teased. At least I hope she's teasing - though I wouldn't want to bet my trousers on it.

"Oh please, Susie, we're on our way to school, don't put those kind of thoughts into my head." I paused and decided to risk it. "I have to ask - wouldn't it just be easier to have, you know, a girlfriend?"

"Oh, I've thought about that," she responded brightly. "What do I want, a boy, a girl, a boyish girl or a girlish boy? I was really puzzled, then you came along, Jeffrey - a boyish girlish boy, and solved my problem."

"I'm glad you've cleared that up for me, Susie - I was confused before."

"It's not complicated, Jeffrey; we were made for each other."

"Other people may have their own ideas about that; I suppose you know you're a much sought after girl."

"Yes, Jeffrey, it's funny isn't it? There they are trying to make an impression on me, while you sit there, hiding yourself away, oblivious to my charms."

"To be honest," I confessed, "you didn't go unnoticed."

She kissed me on the cheek. "I know, Jeffrey."

"That was nice, Susie, but maybe we should be more discreet in school; some of the more primitive types may think a punch on my nose is the way to your heart."

"You mean you want to hide our love away, Jeffrey."

"Not exactly, but a lot of red-blooded males will be disappointed - perhaps it would be better if they thought we were just friends."

"You needn't worry, Jeffrey," she grinned, "I'll put it about that we're a pair of lesbians."

"Oh, please say you're joking, Susie."

"Yes I'm joking, Jeffrey." She gave my bottom a pat. "We'll just be lesbians in private, okay."

"I don't know about that. I can't deny it has its attractions, but do I want to give up all hope of a career in rugby league."

"You'll have to do that anyway," Susie laughed, "my dad's strictly union."

"So is the school, but all that's behind me now thank God; this year it's cross-country and badminton. They don't want us no-hopers getting in their way at practice matches. It won't do them any good, they're all pretty much useless except Robbie."

"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

"I don't think I'll be telling him that; he hasn't got a great sense of humour."

"Know him well, do you, Jeffrey?"

"He sat behind me after he dropped down into our class to retake his exams. He seemed to like me; I don't know why - we have nothing in common. It meant I had to listen to a lot of sporting nonsense, but it doesn't do any harm to have the school's best athlete on your side."

"Has he got a girlfriend?"

"Oh, we never talked about things like that; he's got a car this year, though. Am I going to have a rival, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey, you're not going to have a rival."

"That's a relief. I wouldn't want to be dumped for a gorilla - it was bad enough being ditched for a horse."

"Wait a minute," Susie accused, "I thought I was your first girlfriend."

"Carol wasn't my girlfriend, she's my cousin; she's a bit of a tomboy."

"Oh, I see."

"No you don't. She was just more adventurous than me, nothing else."

"Nothing else?"

"Well, she may have teased me that I was prettier than her, but that's all - she didn't want me for her doll. As soon as she got her horse, she lost interest in me. She was so possessive; she didn't want to share it with anyone."

"Did you want a ride on it, Jeffrey?"

"No way, Susie, it was a big horse; it scared me just walking around it. But it would have been nice if she'd made the offer - I was quite hurt by her attitude."

"Do you see much of Carol nowadays?"

"No, horsy girls definitely don't appeal to me."

"You don't want to see me in jodhpurs and riding boots then?"

"No, you're redoubtable enough in skirts. Besides, when you spend time mucking out horses, the pong," I held my nose, "is a bit off-putting. The smell follows you around - it kind of lingers."

"Kind of lingers, Jeffrey?" Susie grinned and looked down.

"Yes, kind of lingers - what's so funny, Susie, are my flies undone?"

"No, Jeffrey, I've just got the giggles."

I discreetly checked below as we approached the gates. "What is it then?"

"I'm just amused that we're right on the bell, Jeffrey."

"I always am, Susie. The less time I spend in school the better."

"I thought you were a keen student, Jeffrey."

"I like the learning, but I've always felt anxious around the place. After my first week here, I refused to go and spent the whole year at home."

"Golly, Jeffrey, how did you manage that?"

"Indulgent parents and bureaucracy. It took that amount of time to work my way up the psychiatric ladder and reach the top man. He just said you're going to go back next year, aren't you? I said 'yes', and that was the end of the whole affair. I still have no idea why it all happened."

"I guess I'd better handle you with care, eh, Jeffrey."

"It would be appreciated, Susie."

I was wandering back across the school field, contemplating the prospect of Susie packing in school dinners and joining me at lunchtime, when I saw Robbie approaching. After a morning's maths, letting him bore me with his weekend sporting achievements would set the seal on a return to normality.

He greeted me with a big smile. "Do you want the Mars bar or the banana Jeffrey?"

"It's all right Robbie, you need them more than I do. You've got to keep your strength up, you know."

"Go on, have the banana; they're good for you - they're full of that possum stuff."

Maybe this business with Susie is making me paranoid, but I'm sure Robbie has a funny look in his eye. I'm having nothing to do with his banana. "I don't think I can manage one that big, best keep it for yourself."

"Here," he thrust it into my hand, "they've a nice open texture; they go down like ice cream."

I reluctantly peeled the banana and brought it up to my mouth. Robbie was staring at me intently. The banana hovered in no man's land. "You've a pair of terrifically kissable lips, Jeffrey."

I was right - him and his bloody banana - he's worse than Max. Bloody boys - they're all bloody awful.

"That Susie Jones is a lucky girl. I was gutted when I saw her with you this morning, but I guess I should have moved in sooner. I don't blame you, Jeffrey; she's a very attractive girl, but I won't give up without a fight."

A wave of relief flooded over me and I silently apologised to Robbie. I knew how to handle this. "Oh, she's our new neighbour, my mother knows her mother," I lied, "I have to walk her to school. It's a bit awkward for both of us."

"So you're not ..."

"God no, the thought never entered my head - I wouldn't know where to begin." I didn't want the big ox bothering Susie, so I ploughed on. "You'll be wasting your time there; she's like me, not interested in the opposite sex."

Robbie put his arm around my shoulder and the hairs on the back of my neck rose. "I've never bothered with girls either, Jeffrey, did you ever wonder why?"

I wish Susie were here, I panicked, I'm out of my depth. "I expect it's because you haven't time," I waved the banana around hoping with a lucky break it would fall to the ground. "What with all your sports stuff and everything."

Robbie looked skyward, and I took a first bite of the banana.

"Don't you think we make an odd couple, Jeffrey?"

"I guess opposites attract," I laughed nervously.

"But we're not opposites are we, Jeffrey?"

I took a huge bite of the banana. "Uuurrgh." The less I said the better.

"How about I give you a ride home tonight, and then we can have a real talk about ... about our relationship."

"Uuurrgh." I crammed in the rest of the banana and hoped it would last out until the bell.

"Come on, Jeffrey, this is difficult for me - say something," he pleaded.

I decided to have a choking fit and spluttering pointed at my throat. "Aaaarrrgghh."

"Don't panic, Jeffrey, I'll soon have your airways clear."

Robbie grasped me from behind and began his version of the Heimlich manoeuvre.

"Oooohhh!"

"Work with me Jeffrey," he urged.

I resisted and as he redoubled his efforts, I sensed that Robbie's thoughts were straying from the purely life-saving. "Nooohh!"

"Ugh," Robbie groaned and pressed into my backside. My baggy trousers strategy wasn't proving a huge success. Well, that's Susie's bottom, and no one else is having any part of it.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" I expelled a mouthful of banana and went limp - God, I hope he's not a necrophiliac.

Robbie dropped me in shock, and cried out, "Hang on in there, Jeffrey, the kiss of life is on its way."

Brrrrrnnnnnng! Brrrrrnnnnnng! I was saved by the bell.

Here, Godzilla, get a load of this starting technique. I catapulted to my feet. "Can't stop, I've left a Bunsen burner on," I yelled and shot off in the direction of the chemistry lab. "Thanks for the banana."

"I'll see you later, Jeffrey," a despairing voice from behind me cried out.

Not if I can help it. From now on, Susie and I are going to be inseparable.

I rushed Susie away from the school gates. "What's going on, Jeffrey?"

"I'll explain everything, but first let's get away from here."

We were off the main road, well away from Robbie's route home, before I slackened the pace.

"We've got the street to ourselves now, Jeffrey, come on spill the beans."

"First give me a kiss - a proper kiss."

"A proper kiss when you're improperly dressed," Susie smiled, "that would be a backward step in your therapy, Jeffrey."

"Don't tease, I need reassurance - you can have two steps forward later," I rashly promised.

Susie responded enthusiastically. She can't fool me; she loves kissing me however I'm dressed. "Thanks," I panted, "that's done me a power of good; you're definitely the one for me." I tried to adopt a serious air. "Now restrain your mirth while I tell you this ..."

"... What do you make of that?"

Susie deliberated, "I think you may be exaggerating the size of his banana, Jeffrey."

"Please be serious, Susie, I'm relying on you to be my shield and ornament. You have to make it quite clear that I'm yours. Send out the message - 'Hands off Jeffrey, he's mine' - let there be no room for misunderstanding."

"Let's see, in barely twenty-four hours, you've had misunderstandings with a dog, Robbie, your mother and me - not to mention a total deception of Max. Are you sure you're completely innocent in all this, Jeffrey?"

"Totally, no question; I've only ever talked to him in class. Why he's picked on me I've absolutely no idea."

"You haven't been giving him furtive looks in the showers, have you, Jeffrey? You know, just out of curiosity."

"I haven't been in the showers since the verruca scare in the second year. What a blessing in disguise that was. And," I emphasized, "I'm not interested in the rugger buggers' tea and sugar. It'd suit me if everything were fully retractable when not in use - evolution took a wrong turning there if you ask me. That's one reptilian characteristic we should have kept."

"Ugh, I don't fancy that, Jeffrey."

"Someday, Susie, you may come to appreciate the advantages of laying an egg."

"If you'd keep your mind on the job in hand," she snorted, " you'd see there's an easy way out; I'm surprised you haven't thought of it."

"Go on, Susie."

"Robbie's interested in boys, you in particular, so just tell him you want to be a girl. Tell him you spend your time away from school as Denise. I'll back you up, he can even ask your mother. Believe me, once he sees you in lipstick and high heels he'll drop you like a hot potato. You'll be too much of a woman for him."

Susie wasn't laughing - she was serious, but now wasn't the time to upset her. "No doubt you're right," I conceded, "but let's not rush into things. I'd rather hold the nuclear option in reserve. Let's first try a more conventional approach. "

"I don't know, Jeffrey, we're up against rampant teenage hormones."

"Just stick close to me, keep straightening my tie, brushing imaginary hairs off my jacket and anything else you can think of - he'll soon get the message. There are fifteen of them in that rugger team; the odds must be in my favour that he'll find someone who shares his interest."

"Rugby's a highly homoerotic sport Jeffrey, that's why none of this surprises me. I knew the way the wind was blowing."

"Well, I wish you' d told me, Susie. I'm lucky he didn't lure me into his car and trap me in the seat belt with a banana in my hand. That would have been a pretty pickle."

"You wouldn't have believed me, Jeffrey; you would just have pooh-poohed it as another of my fantasies."

"Maybe, but now I come to think of it, a lot of peculiar horseplay goes on in those changing rooms. I think I've been very prudent in keeping to my own little corner."

Susie nodded thoughtfully. "I don't mind giving your way a go; I can see how my idea may be a bra too far for you at this stage."

I heaved a sigh of relief, but I should have known Susie better.

"It'll do no harm to be prepared - I'll have to conduct a nuclear test on you, Jeffrey. You don't want to be caught with your pants down, do you? Well not by Robbie - I'm another matter entirely."

"I can't argue with you there, Susie," I groaned.

"Chin up, Jeffrey and pin your ears back. Here's something to make you laugh," she enthused and pulled on my arm. "You know Russell Slope."

"Only too well - I shouldn't speak ill of the living dead, but he hasn't a single redeeming defect. He's a total swine. He bullied me from the first day at primary school."

"Is he still bullying you, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, he hasn't bothered me for years - not since I busted his nose. There was blood everywhere and we both burst into tears. It was a lucky punch, because I had my eyes closed at the time."

"I've heard that excuse before, Jeffrey, and it won't wash; you know exactly what you're doing - at all times."

"I honestly don't," I pouted, "I'm an innocent abroad."

Susie dismissed that with a wave of her hand. "Whatever, but you'll be pleased to hear that he's in for a further beating - this time at my hands."

"How come, Susie?"

"He was sounding off about the superiority of the male sex, himself in particular. He thinks that he's some sort of alpha male - I ask you, Jeffrey."

"Don't ask me: I thought Robbie was an alpha male - I've been sadly disillusioned."

"Anyway, I'm no humourless feminist, as you well know, but when he said that I was a ditz with nice tits, he stepped over the line. You'd never say anything like that, would you, Jeffrey?"

"No, I don't like that word," I hesitated. "I've been tempted to say you've got nice breasts - actually you've got a nice everything, but I wasn't sure about the etiquette in these matters."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, you've been the perfect gentleman."

"It's good of you to say so, Susie; I'm doing my best."

"I speak as I find, Jeffrey, as that pig found out. I wound him up so much he gave me the perfect opportunity to humble him."

"That doesn't sound like Slope, he's a crafty so-and-so."

"He's met his match in me; I'm going to beat him at his own male chauvinist game." She paused for effect. "Chess, Jeffrey, chess."

"Chess, Susie!" I ejaculated, "you're full of surprises; I had no idea that was one of your talents. Have you played much?"

"Hardly at all, it's so boring, but I know the rules, and that will be enough. You won't believe the odds the arrogant mug's giving me," she gloated. "You know what they say, Jeffrey," she added with a grin, "never give a sucker an even break."

"But did you know that he's the captain of the school chess team, Susie?"

"No, but it won't make any difference - he has to make all his moves in five minutes and I've an hour. What's more, I'm white and I only have to draw. It'll be easy - all I have to do is to shuffle my pieces about until he runs out of time."

"Someone's been extremely naive." Susie misinterpreted my raised eyebrows.

"Brilliant, eh, and here's the best bit - whoever loses has to dress as a bunny girl for the Halloween Dance. What a humiliation - you wouldn't like that, would you, Jeffrey?"

"I don't know, Susie, I may find some vicarious pleasure in it."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you mean ..."

"Exactly what I said, Susie, let's discuss it over a few training games in my bedroom. It won't do any harm to polish up your technique."

"I can hardly wait."

"Checkmate - that's ten to nil."

"Give me a chance, Jeffrey, you're moving too fast - you're not giving my strategy time to work."

"This is what you'll be up against, Susie."

"That beast Slope can't be as good as you, Jeffrey."

"Of course he's not as good as me, but he's way too good for you."

"This is awful, Jeffrey, I'm going to be made a laughingstock. If you'd stuck by my side," she accused, "this would never have happened."

"That's hardly fair, Susie, you've only yourself to blame."

"Chess, what a stupid game! I should have gone for something physical - something requiring endurance and superior female fortitude. Something like ..."

"Ferrets down the trousers," I suggested helpfully.

"No, Jeffrey," a gleam came into Susie's eye, "wrestling!"

Susie sprang forward and knocked me back on the bed. I put up a token resistance, but I was more than pleased to have her straddling my chest. "What next, Susie?"

"I'm not letting you up, until you find a way to get me out of this."

"That's all right by me, Susie, make yourself comfortable."

She adjusted her position. "What are you grinning at, Jeffrey?"

"I can't help myself, Susie; I'm sorry, I know it's childish, but I saw up your skirt."

"Boys! What can you do with them? Well, I know what I'm going to do with this one. That's three steps forward you owe me now, Jeffrey."

I closed my eyes and smiled. "I'm beyond caring."

"Come on, Jeffrey concentrate," she pleaded, "you don't want to see me shown up."

"If it was anybody else but that snot Slope ..."

"I knew you wouldn't let me down," Susie cried out, and bounced up and down in delight.

"Hold on, don't go distracting me; we need to put in some serious work if you're to beat him."

Susie was deflated. "I can't get that good by Wednesday afternoon; I thought you'd found some way to play in my place, Jeffrey."

"He'd never agree to that. I've shown no interest at all in chess, because I don't want to be press ganged into the school team, but he'd be highly suspicious. He knows it'd be a double maths brain versus a geography brain - need I say more."

"You and your mathematical brain, you're a conceited little bugger."

"I know, but it's a private conceit - apart from you and my mother. I hope you don't mind too much; it gives me such a strong sense of what I am."

"I don't mind, Jeffrey, I wouldn't have you any different." Susie eased herself off and sat on the edge of the bed. "Who exactly is Sloppy going to be playing?"

"He'll think he's playing you, but in fact he'll be playing me."

"Whoa, Jeffrey, I only have ordinary makeup, the best I can do is turn you into my sister. We'll have to think of a good excuse for me not turning up."

"You'll be there at the board. Insist you sit with your back up against the wall, so nobody can get behind you. I'll stand right behind Slope and your girlfriends will surround me."

"This doesn't sound as much fun as my idea," Susie moaned.

"It's not, you have to concentrate and do exactly as I say."

"I seem to be doing a lot of following orders, Jeffrey."

"It's your own fault, Susie, you shouldn't be so impulsive. Now pay attention."

I lifted my eyebrows. - "Bishop," Susie responded.

I wrinkled my nose. - "Knight."

I shook my head. - "King."

I nodded my head. - "Rook."

I kissed the air. - "Queen - I like that one, Jeffrey."

"You understand the finger code - first time letter, second time number. Right, let's have a practice against the computer."

"That's enough for tonight, Susie, we'll train again tomorrow."

"It's actually going to work, Jeffrey, I can't believe it. You deserve a reward."

"A diligent scholar, and the master's paid. You've been a model pupil, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I hope you learn from my example; I don't want to hear any complaints when I teach you the intricacies of makeup."

I laughed until Susie silenced me with a kiss.

 

Chapter 6

"I had to tell the girls the plan, Jeffrey."

"I understand that, Susie, but you shouldn't have encouraged them to involve any other boys in the bet."

"I didn't, but when I told the them you'd be making my moves, they wanted in on it. Your reputation goes before you, Jeffrey; they know who's the uber-nerd around here."

"I'm not a nerd, Susie," I complained.

"I know that, Jeffrey, but admit it, you behave like one in school."

"If it wasn't Smith the nerd, it'd be something worse," I explained. "Supreme nerdiness carries with it a degree of protection; that's why I don't like this, Susie, it's going to make me enemies. Nobody would be upset at Slope getting his comeuppance, but when the other boys find out that I'm responsible for their downfall ..."

"They're not going to find out."

"Of course they will; a dozen people can't keep a secret."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, you'll be an honorary member of the sisterhood - we'll look out for you. Come on, there's Linda and Harriet waving us over."

Those two are formidable girls. I know Susie can be unnerving, but she's different - I'd definitely rather be Susie's girlfriend than their boyfriend.

"We like your plan, Jeffrey," Linda greeted me, "but I want to be sure where your true loyalties lie. You could deliver us into the hands of our enemies."

"You've no need to worry," Susie bristled, "Jeffrey would never let me down."

"That's right," I added hotly, "you help us and it's all for one and one for all as far as I'm concerned."

"Don't get upset, Jeffrey," Harriet grinned. "You and Susie, well, it's just so sudden." She waved her hands in the air. "You surprised us, that's all."

"I surprised myself," I smiled.

"You're friends with Robbie, aren't you?" Harriet continued. "Would you do a girl a big favour? See if you can get him to ask me for a date - but be subtle."

"I don't think subtlety is Robbie's strong point; third party matchmaking may confuse him."

"What do you mean confuse him?"

"He means," Linda scoffed, "Robbie will think Jeffrey's asking him for a date. I told you, you're wasting your time mooning over him - he's batting for the other side."

"Take no notice, Harriet - Robbie's as straight as a tiddlywink," Susie assured her. "Jeffrey will be happy to steer Captain Marvel your way; it's just that he's inexperienced in romantic matters. I'll see that he brushes up on his Jane Austen, and then there'll be no holding him back."

Harriet smiled and Linda sniggered. I don't think being one of the girls is going to be a bed of roses. "Come on, Susie, we need to get home and perfect our technique; we don't want any slip-ups tomorrow."

It was Wednesday afternoon, and we were on our way to the showdown. "If Slope plays as I expect, we'll be giving him a piece on the fifth move. There may be a few gasps of dismay, but don't let it put you off, Susie - I know what I'm doing."

"I sure hope so, Jeffrey; that sounds like a high risk strategy."

"The mistakes are all there waiting to be made. And believe me, Slopey will make them - he's not a calculating machine."

We assembled in the library, and Susie bagged a seat under the window. "I'm sitting here; I don't want the sun in my eyes. I know all the classic strategies."

Slope laughed and sat down opposite. I stood behind him and the rest of the girls gathered round. There were a few protests, but individual boys are no match for a bunch of determined girls.

1 e4 e5 2 Nf3 Nc6 3 Nc3 Nf6 4 Nxe5 Nxe5 ...

Slope whipped off the knight with a snort and Susie stuck out her tongue at him in a breach of chess etiquette. Our sessions in my bedroom were paying off and we raced through the next few moves. Things went so smoothly that I began to wonder if Susie really could read my mind.

5 d4 Ng6 6 e5 Ng8 7 Bc4 d6 8 Qf3 Qd7 9 O-O dxe5 10 dxe5 Nxe5 11 Re1 Bd6 12 Bf4 f6 13 Rad1 ...

Slope had a think and played 13 ... Kd8. I had a think and suppressed a smile - I didn't want to confuse Susie. He was busted: this was going to end in mate. I raised my eyebrows and gave five fingers, five fingers.

14 Bxe5 fxe5 15 Bb5 ...

Slope put his head in his hands and had another think. I looked up and saw Robbie staring in through the library window. He gave me a wave.

15 ... c6 16 Ne4 ...

I had to wrinkle my nose in reply and a bout of mutual nose wrinkling followed.

16 ... Kc7 17 Nxd6 Qg4 18 Ne8+ Kb8 ...

I began to worry that we were communicating in some secret gay language. Worse was to come, I had to move my queen. I kissed the air and twice put up three fingers, which I hoped didn't carry any extra meaning.

19 Qc3 Qe6 ...

Robbie kissed back and I had to nod my head and give him two lots of five fingers.

20 Rxe5 Qg4 ...

He nodded back vigorously. We must be at least engaged by now. To make things worse someone behind me was getting excited and waving her arms about. At least Susie was calm. Quite honestly, I don't think she has any idea we're about to pull off a brilliant win.

21 Be2 Qf4 22 Re4 Qxe4 ...

Another kiss for Robbie who's hands have disappeared from sight.

23 Qg3+ Qf4 ...

And another, followed by an extravagant blown kiss to signal mate. I'm so excited to have well and truly crushed Slope that Robbie may think I'm having an orgasm.

24 Qxf4#.

"Checkmate," Susie cried, jumping up and punching the air.

There were cheers from the girls and a menacing, "Wait until I get my hands on that prat, Slope," from one of his disgruntled supporters.

I scrambled over, pulled Susie into my arms and hissed into her ear. "Stick to me like glue - you're not the only one who's been getting my messages. Robbie's so worked up that's he's fit to burst."

Slope pushed me aside and grabbed Susie. "You must have been wired up to play like that - let's see what's under here."

I didn't close my eyes this time. Splat! I hit him full in the nose with the same result. I grabbed Susie and headed for the rest of the girls.

Susie pulled me back. "The cheeky bugger's torn my blouse, let me at him, Jeffrey."

Slope waved his troops forward. "He's busded my dose, gedde liddle shid."

General mayhem ensued. A little help from Robbie wouldn't have come amiss, but he was pinned in a corner by Harriet. It seems more than one person had received misdirected messages. Serves him right - let's see how he likes having an unwanted lover.

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, they'll only get you over my dead body." Susie was being overdramatic, but I still felt a surge of pride. That's my girl!

Luckily for us, the rugger buggers were out to get Slope. I just hope that they keep on blaming him for their misfortune. He was only saved from a scragging by a slam of the door.

"What's going on in here?" It was the deputy head old Bossom.

"Chess hooligans, sir," Susie panted, "they're rioting in defeat."

She took advantage of Slope's toadying to teachers to knee him in the groin. Honour satisfied she stepped back to my side and we hugged. She's quite a girl.

"What happened to your nose Slope?"

"That must have been me sir," Susie volunteered, "he practically ripped my blouse off; I hit out blindly in panic."

"It was an accident," Slope protested, "I just wanted to pull her earpiece out - she was being fed the moves."

Susie tossed back her hair." See, no earpiece, you were outchessed by a superior female brain, and that's all there is to it. You met your match, Bunny Slope."

"I didn't," Slope fumed. "You blundered a piece away and from then on you played like a computer - it's not natural."

"I'd like to see this game," Bossom interrupted, "set the board up."

I hurried to get control of the pieces and replay the game; it'd look funny if Susie couldn't remember her moves.

"There you are, she blunders a knight away like the patzer she is," Slope spluttered.

"It's not a blunder," I exulted, "it's the Halloween gambit, specially chosen for this game - you don't know as much about chess as you think."

Slope gulped and I dashed off the rest of the game. "There you are, sir, everything was above board."

"Yes, Smith, a very nice game; Miss Jones has talent - we must have her on the team."

Susie looked at me in panic. "Oh she can't do that," I improvised, "her parents don't approve of her playing chess. They want her to concentrate on her studies; they're very firm about it."

"Yes, sir," Susie piped up, "we're Seventh Day Adventists. Mind games like chess are strictly taboo. It'd be bread and water for me if they found out about this."

"That's news to me," Bossom frowned, "I've made quite a study of comparative religions - you have to, if you want to get on nowadays," he sighed.

I saw a gleam come into Susie's eye. "We're part of an extremist breakaway sect - it's no fun at all for me."

"I've noticed that you and Smith have become, shall we say, close this week. What do your parents say to that?"

"Oh Jeffrey's converted - we've ..." Susie searched for inspiration, "pledged our troths."

"This doesn't sound like you, Smith. You haven't been brainwashed, have you?"

"I wouldn't know if I had been, would I?"

Bossom sighed and looked around. "Let's all behave like adults, okay. I think it's best we draw a veil over the whole episode. Clear up and get off home; that's where I want to be." He shrugged his shoulders and made for the door.

"Bossom's not a bad old stick is he, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie - I just hope his sense of humour is fully functional, otherwise your parents will be getting a visit from social services."

"With a name like that, it must be," she giggled. "He's neither one thing or the other, is he?"

"Get a grip on yourself, Susie, and let's make a dignified exit."

"Give me your arm, Jeffrey."
Robbie and Harriet had disappeared. Slope was on his back holding his nose. We departed with the girls' congratulations ringing in our ears.

On the walk home, I brought Susie up to date with the Robbie situation. "The way things are going we may have to use the ultimate deterrent, Susie. It'll be embarrassing, but if it gets rid of him for good - what the hell."

"Actually, Jeffrey I've already loosed off a tactical nuclear device, and it doesn't seem to have worked. I had a word with Robbie and mentioned your tendencies."

"What do you mean my tendencies? They're your tendencies. The fact that he doesn't appear to have believed you proves it."

"Oh he believed me, Jeffrey, I showed him the photographic evidence."

"There is no photographic evidence."

"I got it off your computer the first night."

"You couldn't have; there are no such pictures."

"I photoshopped you, Jeffrey."

"You what me."

"Photoshopped you. Everyone does it - I'm surprised you haven't had a go." She dug out a photo from her pack. "Here's one for you, Jeffrey; Denise in all her glory. Can you blame me for wanting her?"

"Oh sugar, Susie!" It was an upper body shot of me wearing make-up, bra and nothing else. "What have you done?"

"Good isn't it. I can get you some breast forms just like that if you want - you'll have to lend me the money, though."

"Never mind that. What did Robbie say when he saw this?"

"He didn't say anything, he didn't have to - actions speak louder than words. He snatched it off me and decamped to the bogs with it."

"You mean ... Oh, Susie, I'm a sex object."

"He's probably been wanking off to you all summer, Jeffrey, so that's no big deal."

"Yes, but at least I didn't know about it."

"In one way, Jeffrey it gives us hope. Perhaps he really likes girls, and you've led him astray."

"I've done no such thing!" I gagged.

"Not intentionally of course," Susie soothed. "Perhaps he was on the cusp and now Harriet's got her claws into him, he'll fall her way. Stranger things have happened."

"They are well suited - she's a hefty girl."

"Yes, Jeffrey, let's hope she doesn't find out that you're her love rival."

"Then she'd better not see this." I put the photo into my pocket.

"You're keeping it, are you?"

"Yes, I don't want it falling into the wrong hands."

"You could tear it up."

"I couldn't destroy your work of art, Susie; I'm not a Philistine."

"Ah, you like it, Jeffrey, admit it."

"It's a nice picture," I hedged. "I'm worried that someone else might get to see it. If you'd made me a big-breasted pin-up girl, it would have been easy to laugh off. But this - nobody's going to believe it's not me."

"The only copy out there is the one's Robbie's got, and he's hardly going to show it around."

"I don't know, Susie, a woman scorned and all that. You'll have to get it back off him."

"If he carries it around with him, you'll have the best chance. Hang around the changing rooms and try and sneak it away."

"You can forget that; I'm not lurking anywhere near that rugby lot - it could be misinterpreted. Thanks to you, Susie, I'm beginning to see myself as others see me."

"Wait till you see yourself as I see you, Jeffrey."

"I can't help but admire your persistence, Susie; it's an endearing trait."

"In that case, how about you come over to my house tonight? I'll initiate you into the secrets of a girl's bedroom."

"I'll see you after homework, but in my bedroom."

"What have you been reading, Jeffrey?"

"That book on survival; the chapter on how a girl can defend her honour. Best to be prepared in case Robbie has a rush of blood."

Susie picked up the book and began to read. "Grab your assailant by the testicles and twist hard. Is that what you're going to do, Jeffrey?"

"Not likely, I don't want there to be any danger of sending a mixed message; I hope raking a comb across his nostrils will suffice. I've a cheap one with really hard teeth," I grimaced. "It even hurts when you comb your hair."

"That should make his eyes water, Jeffrey."

"From now on I shall carry it with me at all times. Get yourself one, Susie - a girl can't be too careful."

Susie moved over to the dresser. "Do you mind if I brush your hair, Jeffrey?"

"Oh, you want to engage in a little social grooming do you?"

"Something like that."

Susie brushed away and a wave of pleasure swept over me. I'm definitely not getting my hair cut. I wonder how I'll look with it in bunches - pretty cute I should think.

"That's nice, Susie. So nice, that I don't want you fixing Slope's hair. In fact I'd rather you didn't have anything further to do with him. I bet he'd jump at the chance to get out of the bet for fifty pounds."

"I'd like to go along with you, Jeffrey, but the other girls want to get their hands on him. That suits me - I don't want to give Sloppy the pleasure of being dressed up by me. Some boys are funny that way; he's probably one of them. What do you think?"

"Nothing would surprise me anymore."

Susie paused in her brushing. "It'll be fun deciding on our outfits - I'll really have your hair in shape by then."

I turned around. "I didn't lose any bet, Susie. As far as Halloween's concerned, I've more than done my duty. I've earned a quiet night in."

"You can't be the odd one out, Jeffrey. Think of the resentment that would cause - especially when the other boys find out you were the cause of their downfall." Susie brushed vigorously. "They're only going to be satisfied if you're the belle of the ball."

"That's six weeks away, I'll probably have had a nervous breakdown by then." I looked around my book filled room. "I think I'll have my library fantasy tonight - it's incredibly calming - I'm cataloguing a vast collection of books."

"That's a strange notion for a teenage boy."

"Stranger than you think, Susie. You see I'm female in it."

"You're Denise."

"She didn't have a name before Sunday, but yes, you're right I am Denise. Oh, Susie," I finally broke down, "I wonder what it all means."

She clasped my hand. "It's all right, Jeffrey, I'm here - we'll work through this together. First, I have to know what you are wearing."

I buried my head in my hands. "I can't, Susie, it's too embarrassing."

"It's all right," she soothed, "you can confess anything to me. Think of me as a priest."

I gulped. "I'm a sexy librarian in a figure hugging sweater, tight skirt, sheer stockings and shiny stilettos."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Jeffrey. Tell me," she coaxed, "how do you feel dressed like that?"

"I feel wonderful, Susie, quite wonderful, but it's a struggle getting up the ladders."

"Ladders - what ladders, Jeffrey?"

"Those ladders on wheels that they have in libraries. These are unbelievably high."

Susie raised her eyebrows. "Ah - like a stairway to Heaven."

"That's right," I sobbed, "and once up there I feel free. I can whiz around the shelves - it's almost like flying."

Susie softly stroked my hair. "You're an angel, Jeffrey, a whole new world is opening up for you."

"It's a cosmic experience, Susie," I exalted, "I've slipped the surly bonds of Earth."

"To thine own self be true," she gushed and hugged me to her, "I've swept away all your inhibitions and doubts, haven't I, Jeffrey?"

I looked up and smiled. "You certainly have, Susie - now I know for sure that there's one born every minute."