Sue Barnes

As I sat in the waiting room with mom, I found myself wondering if this new councilor would be helping me cross over to the female side, or if she would be an obstacle. I was in my maroon skater dress and ivory flats with a little lip gloss and was feeling attractive.

At least she was punctual, as I was called, into her office right at 11.

“Hi, you must be Charli. I am Sue Barnes, you can call me Sue. You look very pretty today.” She started.

At least she was trying to keep it friendly and casual. This might not be so bad. “Dr. West suggested I dress up to meet you,” I replied.

“This isn’t how you usually dress?” She asked.

“Jeans and tee-shirts would be more normal,” I answered.

“So you normally present so that people might have trouble deciding if you are a boy or a girl?” She questioned.

“I prefer jeans and tee-shirts for comfort. I think, most people take me for a girl since I got my new haircut.” I answered.

“Do you prefer they see you as a girl?” was the next question.

“Since they seem to think they have to choose, girl seems to work better for me.” was my response.

“Why is that?” She asked.

“People are nicer to me, and smile at me more when they think I’m a girl,” I answered.

“So you like being a girl better than being a boy?” Sue questioned.

“I don’t have much experience either way, but so far it seems that way.” was my reply.

“How come you don’t have much experience?” She asked.

“Until recently, I was raised and homeschooled by my mothers in Oregon. They treated me and my sister the same, so I didn’t see gender as making much difference. I was just a happy kid growing up and learning. I knew I was male, but that didn’t seem to make much difference.” I answered.

“So what changed?” Sue asked.

“My mother, we called one mom and the other mother, got killed. So my mom has to go back to work, and can’t homeschool us anymore.” I replied.

“How did you decide to start presenting as a girl?” Sue asked.

“Actually Dr. West, who was testing us for school placement, suggested it. I was rejected by a playgroup of boys. I thought it was because I didn’t know about football players. But Dr. West thought it might be because my mannerisms and vocal patterns were rather feminine. At first, I thought that presenting as a girl was a crazy idea, but I decided to give it a try. I was surprised how easy it was for me and how much better people treated me.” I explained.

“So you want to be a girl?” asked Sue.

“If I try to be a boy, I’m likely to be ostracized, bullied, beaten up, and have a very difficult time making friends. If I try to be a girl the outlook for all those things is much better. Which would you choose?” I reasoned.

“Most people, don’t have to choose. They feel the choice has been made for them, and they accept it. I fell into that group. But I see where you are coming from, and see the logic of your choice. Do you feel ready to make a lifelong commitment to this choice?” She asked.

“I have discussed this with, mom, Dr. West, and my sister. We agree to commit to this for my 2 years of high school, then revisit the decision when I go to college.” I answered.

“Wait! How old are you?” she asked.

“I’m 13 but Dr. West is recommending I be placed in 11th grade. My moms did a good job of homeschooling us.” I replied.

“You are very mature and you express yourself very well. Also very pretty. I have trouble seeing you as a boy. You have a lot of adjusting to do. Actually, adjusting to a girl’s role may be the easy part. I hope I can help you along the way.” She stated.

I felt a little heat in my cheeks, as I was not used to being called pretty. But I also felt a large smile. Sue was going to be on our side. “Thank you. This was easier than I expected.”

“Was it different than this with Dr. West?” she asked.

“Yes. Dr. West was a college friend of my mom. She was Aunt Julie to us before she was Dr. West.” I answered.

“Do you prefer transgender or gender fluid?” she asked.

“I think I prefer transgender. Gender fluid is probably more accurate, but transgender is better understood and accepted. Besides gender fluid won’t get me into St. Katherines, but transgender will. Also, I think it would be better if I don’t confuse people by changing back and forth.”

“It’s been very interesting, getting to know you. I find you very impressive and see you doing very well at whatever you choose. Can you make another appointment for next week? And if you don’t mind, could you come in jeans and tee-shirt.”

Sue walked me back to the reception room. “Liz, make an appointment for Charli for next week.”
Turning to my mom, “Mrs.Wilder, I am very impressed with your daughter. You can be very proud of her.”

“Thank you. I am very proud of her. Can I have a quick synopsis.”

“It is early, I don’t want to jump to conclusions based on only this brief interview. But at this point, I tend to agree that the best course of action is for Charli to attend St. Katherines as a transgender girl.”

We made an appointment for next Wednesday at 4:00, so mom could chauffeur me. Though I wouldn’t have started school. She would be prepping for classes

Mom and I stopped at Subway on the way home. My boy self was feeling pretty submerged, so I appeased him with a 6” steak sub. I recounted the meeting to mom. Though I entered somewhat wary and defensive, I found Sue friendly and easy to talk to. I left feeling she really wanted to help. Mom agreed the meeting had gone well and reiterated that she was very proud of me.

A Boyfriend?

When we got home, I changed into jeans and John Deere tee-shirt (from Charlie) and Charlie’s old sneakers with sweat sox.

“Mom, Joy, I want some alone time. I am taking a walk down to the park.” I shouted as I exited the door.

The neighborhood was old and expensive, most of the homeowners were old and established with no or grown children. There was a sprinkling of young professionals, but their children were mostly toddlers or younger as most had waited till their biological clocks were running down to start their families. They might be good if I wanted to try babysitting, but not much material for friends.

But today when I got to the park there was a boy about my age shooting baskets. I approached him, “Hi, I’m Charli and I’m new to the neighborhood.”

“Hi, I’m Tom. There aren’t many kids our age in this neighborhood.”

“Yeah, you are the first one I’ve met.”

“I wish you were a boy,” he said.

“Sometimes I wish I was a boy too. You could pretend I’m a boy. And I could get a better idea of what it’s like.” I said. As I wondered if this might be an opportunity to ease back into a boy role.

“You’re too pretty and delicate, for that,” said Tom.

“We will see about that! I challenge you to a game of one-on-one.” I came back.

“OK, it will be better than just shooting alone,” he replied, unenthusiastically.

The game was close, I was faster, and a better outside shot. But he was a better rebounder and could back me into the basket for easy layups. But when he saw he was in danger of losing, he got more physical and more aggressive. In the end, he won 15-13. We were both soaking wet. It was the best workout I had had in a long time.

“You’re very good, for a girl. Maybe that pretend your a boy thing could work. I’ll buy you a coke and we can talk some more.” Tom said.

“OK, but I’ll buy since I lost,” I replied.

“You're really into this pretend to be a boy thing?” Tom queried.

“We were homeschooled with little outside contact, so I’m having a little trouble finding where I fit socially,” I admitted.

“Well, I’d like to hold your hand. But if you insist on the boy thing, we probably shouldn’t,” said Tom.

Part of me wanted to hold hands, but another part said: “Let’s go with the boy thing for now.”
“Where do you live?” I asked.

“209 East Woodridge, it's one block south of the park. What about you?” he asked.

“818 North Oak, two blocks east of the park,” I answered.

“Maybe we will go to the same school. I will be starting 9th grade at Northside High,’’ said Tom.

“I hope to start 11th grade at St. Katherines. I have not been admitted yet, but I think I get some kind of special consideration because my mom will be teaching there.” I told Tom.

“I didn’t think you were that old.” blurted Tom.

“I’m only 13, but my mothers did such a good job homeschooling us that we are getting advanced placement,” I stated.

“You must be a genius! I’m 14 and you are two years ahead of me.” gushed Tom.

“My sister is not yet 12 and they're putting her in 10th grade. So, I think it’s more the teaching than us. We just kept learning and didn't have to wait for the slowest kids to catch up.”

He took us into Tony’s a small Italian restaurant. “This is the nearest place we can sit and have a drink.” when the waitress came to seat us, he asked, “ garden area please.”

She took us to a chained off area with tables under an awning. I think she was relieved that the two sweatty teenagers weren’t smelling up the restaurant. Tom told her “Two cokes and an order of breadsticks with marinara sauce.”

“You seem to know your way around here pretty well?” I questioned Tom.

“My parents own their own software company. He’s CEO and she’s CFO. They often work long hours and I’m left on my own. This is my favorite place for pizza.” Said Tom.

“My sister and I have one app on the commercial market,” I told him.

“You must really be a genius!” exclaimed. As the waitress returned with our cokes. “May I borrow a pen?” he asked her. He took a napkin and her pen and wrote Tom Gilstrap and a phone number.

I took the pen and a napkin and wrote Charli Wilder no cell YET! House phone 777 678 1331 (landline) (I was tempted to dot the i with a heart, but decided that was too over the top). We exchanged napkins.

“What is your app?” He asked.

“It’s called ‘Training your Puppies’. It was mostly an exercise to teach us a little JAVA programing. I did most of the coding, and my sister did most of the picture editing of the digital movies we had of our golden retriever puppies.” I told him.

“You have golden retrievers here?” Tom asked enthusiastically.

“Unfortunately no. Mom said they wouldn’t make good city dogs and we had to leave them with our grandparents on their ranch.”

“Boy or girl, I want you as a friend,” said Tom.

“And I want you as a friend too. I don’t think I’m ready for boy-girl dating type friendship yet. And I really want to get a feel for a boy-boy non-romantic friendship. We seem to be a pretty good match at basketball. You gave me the best workout I’ve had in a long time, and I’m sure we can find other things to do together.” I said.

The waitress returned with our breadsticks and refilled our cokes. I’m sure she thought she was witnessing a budding romance from the knowing smile she gave me. Part of me didn’t want any of that, but another part was curious. I felt a hand on the leg of my jeans. I quickly brushed it off, saying “boyfriends”. But it didn’t feel all that bad. On the other hand, I was seeing the idea of being “boyfriends” as very attractive. The major obstacle being Tom seeing me as a girl.

Tom said, “You’re easy to talk to. I don’t have much experience with girls.”

“I don’t have much experience, other than with my sister. And you can think of me as a boy if you want.” I stated.

“I’m liking you as a friend. And thinking having a pretty girl like you as a friend is pretty nice and good for my image.” Said Tom.

“So, you see me as eye candy?” I said with a little irritation in my voice.

“Genius, basketball playing, eye candy!” he replied.

“Ok.” I relented, deciding I liked being seen as pretty, and he did see more than a pretty package.

We finished eating. He insisted on paying. I decided not to fight over it, even though I realized I was playing the girl role. We agreed to stay in contact and get together again.

As I walked home, I felt I had made a new friend. But, what kind of friend. I knew part of the attraction for him, was that he saw me as a pretty girl. But I wanted to be his boyfriend, not his girlfriend.

Home

When I got home and passed Joy in the hall, she exclaimed: “EEww, it smells like my brother is back. Sis, you need a shower!”

“That’s where I’m headed,” I replied.

I showered, liking the floral body wash. I shampooed and conditioned my hair. I was getting to like parts of being a girl.

At dinner, mom asked, “How did your trip to the park go?”

“Very well. I met a 14-year-old boy. We played some one on one. Then went and had a coke. I think we both want to be friends. I really need a cell phone!” I replied.

“Yeah, we can’t be normal, without a cell phone.” seconded Joy.

“That didn’t go where I expected it to.” said mom. “But Julie we need to consider getting cell phones for all of us.”

“I’ve never felt the need,” replied Julie. “But, you are probably right. I’ll let you and the girls handle it.”

“Ok, I’ll look into a family plan with phones for each of us. Do you want to choose your own phone?” replied mom.

“No, just get me what you get yourself, maybe in a different color, so we can tell them apart,” replied Julie.

“Charli, can you tell us more about your new friend?” asked mom,

I had hoped, I had escaped the questioning over my new friend, but no such luck. “His name is Tom Gilstrap, he will be in 9th grade at Northside high, he lives a block south of the park, he’s an only child. His parents own a software company.” I replied.

“Do you like him?” asked mom.

“Yes, we played a good game of one-on-one, and had a nice talk over cokes,” I replied.

“How Hunky is he?” asked Joy.

I expected this from Joy, but not at the dinner table.

Mom came to the rescue with “Joy, some things are not suitable dinner conversation. I’m sure you and your sister can discuss that later. Also, she and I could use some private discussion.”

Oh great, more to look forward to (not).

“Mom, how’s school prep going,” I asked.

“Fine. I’m really looking forward to interacting with the students again. There’s only so much prep you can do. I never really stopped teaching, but with you two it was so easy, just helping you pursue your curiosity. Now I will have to deal with some unmotivated students.”

“Frankie, you really are an exceptional teacher. Few could get the results you have gotten with these two young adults,” said Julie.

“Yeah, I told Tom it was mostly due to mom and mother, but I’m still afraid he thinks I am some kind of super genius,” I said.

“Do you think you intimidate him?” asked mom.

“Maybe a little, but he’s still interested. He called me ‘genius, basketball playing, eye candy.’”

“That makes you just about perfect, for a 14-year-old boy!” interjected Julie.

“Sounds like he really likes you!” said Joy.

“He liked playing basketball with me, he finds me easy to talk to, he thinks I’m pretty and smart. He is intrigued by our golden retrievers, our grandparent's ranch, and that we have a marketable computer program. But he hasn’t gotten to know me yet.”

“You guys covered a lot of ground, for a first meeting. I am proud of how objective your outlook on this friendship is. I would like that mother-daughter talk, right after dinner.” said mom.

“I want a sister-sister talk after you talk with mom,” said Joy.

“ I will be available if you want to talk with me,” added Julie.

I was feeling the center of attention and not very comfortable about it. I finished my plate, and after chewing and swallowing, said “OK mom.” Then started busing my dishes to the kitchen.

Mom

Mom came into my room and closed the door She sat next to me on my bed and held my hand. Her touch was reassuring and comforting.

“You are doing very well with your new friend. I want you to know I will be here for you if you need to talk about things.” mom started.

“Thank you, I know you will always be there for me. But some things are hard to talk about especially with parents.” I replied.

“I understand, it’s not so long since I was on the other end of mother-daughter.” said mom.

“I’m not even sure daughter is right,” I replied.

“Are you second-guessing your decision?” asked mom.

“Not really. For the short term it is pretty clear that attending school as a transgender girl is clearly better educationally, socially, and safety wise. But with Tom, I was wanting him to be friends with boy Charlie, but he wanted to be friends with girl Charli.” I said.

Mom put her arm around me and gave me a firm hug. It made me feel loved.

“I told him, I would like him to pretend I was a boy, and for him treat me as a boyfriend. But he kept wanting to hold hands, and pay for the cokes even though I told him I should pay because I lost.” I continued.

“He was just behaving the way he thought he should. Even I am beginning to have trouble thinking of you, as a boy.” said mom.

“I don’t blame him. It’s just that I realized that I haven’t given being a boy a fair chance. I need to learn to interact as a boy, and this seems like an opportunity that is slipping away.” I said.

“Don’t give up on it. You need outside friends of both sexes.” said mom. “Perhaps we could look into enrolling you in youth basketball or something.”

I squeezed mom’s hand. “We can look into things. But as long as I look and act like a girl, it will be hard to get them to treat me like a boy. If they learn that I am transgender they will treat me like a freak, not a boy.”

“Some will treat you like a human being. Remember your family loves you regardless of how this plays out.”

We closed with a mutual hug.

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I don't feel like I should have to beg for comments, but the long hiatus was at least partially due to discouragement from lack of reader feedback. I am not sure where I will take this story (or if I will let it die of apathy) but I would appreciate reader suggestions.