Jordan had been given a second chance to live after overcoming a very unique medical condition. While the procedure saves his life, the side effects that he faces are the last things a 14 year old boy would want. Convinced with what he knows lies ahead, is it better than the alternative?
Better Than The Alternative?
Chapter 3

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Author's Note: I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep the rate of chapters this close. This one is just flowing better than anything else I've tried to write. I hope I can keep up the pace, so you all won't have to wait too long. This one has a few answers to Jordan's situation, not all of them, but only because he doesn't want to admit it yet. I hope I got it across why he feels this way. Again thanks to everyone who's commented, those truly make this feel worth it. Much love everyone. ~Rebecca

“So, we’re in agreement? Relay races in sixty to seventy years?”, she asked me with a large grin. I’m glad that seeing the humor clearly on her face defused my emotional ‘almost’ outburst.

I laughed to hide the remaining urge to cry, and told her, “Deal… You know I might have to give you a handicap though… You know I’ve already got my practice scooting around in a ‘chair.”

She joined in laughing with me, “We’ll just have to see about that… Umm… Did you forget your ‘smoothie’?”

Not even realizing I had sat down at the table with her, I spun around and saw the concoction sitting in the blender. I never even hit the button… I quickly got up saying, “Oops.” In anticipation of the drink, and I mean drink only in the slightest sense of the word, I inadvertently made a face which she laughed at.

“It can’t be that bad, can it?”, she said still slightly giggling at my unintended antics.

As I hit purée momentarily, I gave an involuntary shudder, and when it was done ‘purée-ing’ I told her, “It’s actually not too bad if you like the taste of liquid chalk with a slightly sandy texture…”

I saw her make a face and slightly shudder too, which I snickered at. I didn’t laugh but for a few seconds… After all, I’m the one that was going to be drinking the nasty mess.

As she was warily eying my glass of yuck, she hesitantly asked, “Jordie… What happened with you? I know you’re doing a lot better, but what did they ever figure out was the problem?”

There it was, the ‘I’ll take questions I don’t want to answer for a thousand Alex’, question… So what, I was bedridden for a while, and Jeopardy was one of the least annoying gameshows on daytime TV. Praying it wasn’t going to be a daily double, I held up my finger indicating her to wait a second, then tossed back the glass of chalky sandy slime, at least it had a nice bouquet of cinnamon and vanilla from the stuff I added. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t help the violent shudder and face that I made, I think it also made her a bit squeamish as well since she turned a little green just watching me… It took me almost half a minute to be able to compose myself, and then as always, I tried to wash that down with another glass of milk.

Taking a deep breath to steady my nerves, I ask, “So exactly what do you want to know? The condensed version or the full version that includes all the medical jabber in it.”

She thought for a moment, and then she said, “The condensed one is fine, I doubt I’d understand the full version… But first… What in the hell is in that mess you just drank?”

Even though the chalky flavor is still hanging on to the roof of my mouth I laughed, “Like I said it’s a protein shake of sorts… That was part of my initial problem, remember I always had to be careful what I ate, or I’d get sick… Well back before I became super sick…” She just nodded and motioned for me to continue, “Well… While we didn’t find out exactly what it was until six or seven months ago, my body had a problem processing the protein… There were some cells in my body that had mutated, it had probably been that way since before I was born… Instead of doing what they were supposed to do, they went haywire…”

“What do you mean haywire?”, she asked, I could tell she was totally engrossed in my story.

I paused, I was trying to get the courage to tell her the truth, all of it… While technically I told the truth to the guys at lunch, I only told half the truth… Out of anyone I knew, Sam would understand, I got that. I knew she wouldn’t bail and leave me alone again… I wanted to tell her… But… I couldn’t… The fear that gripped me at the thought of speaking those words caused my chest to tighten and it became slightly harder to breathe… I don’t even think it was that I was afraid to tell her, I was afraid of hearing me say it at all. I didn’t even know why I was so afraid of… But I was afraid, and I mean deathly afraid to say it out loud.

“Jordie what’s wrong?”, she asked, concerned.

Thankfully it was in that moment, the slime had let go of the air that I had swallowed with it, and I covered my mouth and trying to keep the burp that erupted as quiet as possible. I gave a small shudder at the after taste once again and continued, “Sorry that happens every time… It might not happen if I drank it slower, but there’s no what that’s ever gonna happen…” I decided at that moment, mostly to keep from inducing another panic attack, that I would tell her the half truth, as much as I despised myself for it, “The enzymes, I think they’re called at least, but the stuff the body produces to break down the protein into stuff usable for your muscles and things didn’t work right… Instead of breaking it down into something good for me, it broke it down into something that acted like a poison… It started attacking my digestive system, my muscles, and even my bones…”

Again, while all that was technically true, it was only the result and not the cause of the problem… I thought that at least I wasn’t telling a total lie, but this honestly felt much worse… I knew I was trying to convince myself it was okay, but I’m too stubborn to be able to even convince myself it seems.

“Wow… I thought it had only made you unable to eat… Jordie I’m sorry I didn’t know…”, she told me, reaching over and gently squeezing my hand. “Why didn’t you tell any of us?”

I shrugged my shoulders, “Well for one, we didn’t know exactly what was happening, plus I didn’t figure there was anything any of you could do… It didn’t make the situation any better for myself, and it would have only made you all worry even more… Besides you all were worrying enough as it was… I was put in the wheelchair because of it hurting too much to stand, not because I was too weak. It didn’t matter to me why, except I was stuck in the chair…”

“Are you still in pain now?”, She asked softly, almost afraid of the answer.

I thought about it and told her, “Not really… I mean I still have some discomfort in my knees and hips right now, but as bad as it used to be? Nah… This is barely noticeable… Plus the slime smoothie has a boost of calcium and other things to help my joints… While I might get a few twinges every now and then, its mostly all gone now. They say it’ll probably be completely gone in a few months… If I keep drinking the sludge that is…”

She grimaced visibly, “They fixed the protein issues though? You said that’s what’s in that, right?”

“Well sort of, its basically pure amino acids… You know, the stuff the proteins are supposed to be broken into… It’s also got things in it to help my body absorb it quicker, and some other things to help me get better… I’m going to be on the meds and that stuff for the rest of my life probably.”, I also totally leave out telling her about the testosterone blocker that’s in it, it’s there to help to ensure there is little, if any, chance of what tiny bit of testosterone that’s still in my body can cause an issue with the protein boost. I also left out telling her how the mid-day dose of the blue pill that I have to take was also included in the slime. The damn blue pill that I’m going to be taking for the rest of my life.

Her eyes fell just slightly, “If you have to take that every day does that mean they didn’t fix the problem, and they’re only treating it?”

I took her hands in mind to try to reassure her, she looked worried again, and told her, “They did what they could to limit the mutant enzyme thing… I’m mostly fixed now… I just have to take the meds to counter what’s left in my body… Like I’ve said before, this is better than the alternative right?”

She looked me right in the eyes and softly said, “Yeah… A lot better…”

I caught myself staring right back into her eyes when my body suddenly became flushed again, that snapped me back to attention. Nervously I let go of her hands and asked, “Do you want to do something? I should have warned you, after drinking that mess, I get a little jittery for a while… It helps to do something…”

She sat up straight, it seems she noticed we had been staring long enough to make it uncomfortable, and said, “That sounds like a good idea, what do you have to do around here?”

I thought for a minute, we really didn’t have much for me to do since I’ve been in recovery for the last several months. Suddenly I remembered something we could do so I blurted out, “I know, I still have an extra glove. We could go out and toss the ball around…” I then remembered that I wasn’t talking to Sam my old friend the ball player, I was talking to Sam, my friend the girl… I hastily added, “Sorry, we don’t have that much stuff do to, and I don’t know if that’s still your thing…”

She laughed pretty hard, “Jordie, just cause I’m transitioning doesn’t mean I’m going to stop liking things… I’d actually love to go out and throw the ball around… It’s been a long time, I kinda miss it…”

That perked me up, “Really? Cause I haven’t played since… Well it’s been a while for me too. I’ll be right back.” I then ran up the stairs to my room and grabbed a few worn baseballs and two gloves, and just as quickly I was back downstairs leading her to the back yard.

I actually felt really proud of my idea as I saw the smile on her face as she put her glove on, of course I then realized it probably matched my own as I was putting my own glove on. “I’m going to warn you, I’m probably rusty as hell…”

She laughed again, “I’m sure I am too, now quick talking and hit me!”, she said as she was holding up her glove.

I intended to throw it straight to her, I know my muscle memory remembered the right form, it was just like everything else… My strength wasn’t there… Yet… I was more determined if anything to get back to where I was, or at least as close as I could get. “Sorry…”, I said as she scooped up the grounder it became since I couldn’t throw it hard enough.

“Jordie stop right now okay… It’s going to take time and practice, I’m going to make sure you get the practice.”, she fussed at me, and then threw the ball back to me… I didn’t quite feel that bad, while I couldn’t throw that far, her accuracy was way off, and I had to jump to catch it.

For the next half hour, we just tossed the ball back and forth, her working on her accuracy, and I was altering the arc of my throws, so she could catch my throws. It didn’t take me long at all to realize how normal this felt, it reminded me of being back here throwing with Sam from before… It didn’t matter that I wasn’t as strong, it didn’t matter that Sam was now a girl… I was having fun playing catch with my friend Sam, at that moment everything was right in my world. Unfortunately, my lack of stamina was the deciding factor for when we quit, when the jolt from the slime shake wore off, I was worn out after only half an hour.

As we were sitting down in the living room with tall glasses of ice water, Sam told me, “Jordie, thanks for that… I had forgotten how much I had missed it. That was the most fun I’ve had in a while.”

“Hey, you don’t have to thank me for anything, I had just as much fun… If you miss it so much, have you tried to see if you could join the schools team? They’d be lucky to have you, I watched their pitcher in some videos from last year. You could have out pitched him back when you were ten…”

“I’ve asked… The players really don’t want me on the team, plus the school says it would set a bad precedent.”, she told me. At my confused expression, she added, “With it being a hot topic right now of trans people trying to compete in sports as their real gender, people opposed to that could use me to hurt their chances if I try to play for the boy’s team…”

She just kind of shrugged it off, but I could tell that it bothered her, “Sam that’s bullshit… At least about the players… You were a better ball player then they could ever be. Why can’t people just leave people alone… It shouldn’t matter if you want to play baseball or whatever…” I was a little irate.

She tried to calm me down, “Hey calm down… Thank you though, but they are right. The last thing I want is to be a poster child for the other side to hurt the chances of other trans people… Besides, baseball isn’t the only sport out there… Coach Dawson has already been talking to me… She’d seen me play from before, and since I’ve been on blockers for so long now, she seems pretty sure she can get me on the girl’s team.”

I was still a little pissed, so it took me longer than it should have, “Coach Dawson? Girls team? Wait, are you talking about softball?”, I asked, stunned. That had never even occurred to me.

“Yeah dummy, softball… Fast pitch to be more precise. Personally, I don’t care, its still ball and a team sport, so I want to do it. After just throwing the ball around with you, it reminded me how bad I want to play so I’m going to try. It just seems that their star pitcher graduated last year, and Coach is struggling to find a replacement. They made it to state finals last year, and except for three positions, the rest of the team is returning. I want to try.”, “she said hopefully.

Slightly stunned that she wanted to play, let alone pitch, softball, I tell her, “That’s going to be a lot of work, the mechanics are a lot different for pitching fast pitch. You’ve got what, five months till season starts?”

She nodded, “Yeah, but I’ve been working on it all summer.” She noticed my blank stare and giggled, “The school was made aware of my transition last year, just so they would be prepared. Coach actually came to our house to talk to me and my parents about it. It’s been slow going, but I’ve got my form down. Dad put an old mattress against the fence and spray painted a strike zone on it for me to practice with. You know it would help a lot if I had, say… a catcher to help practice with me.”

I smiled at that and the memories it brought back. Those were our two positions, she could have competed pitching at high school level when we were in grade school, maybe not for speed but for ball control. With me always being smaller, I made the perfect catcher for her. I was already low to the ground and I was fast and nimble, we had made a great team. I immediate thought of something that made me lose it and I started laughing hard.

“Jordan Taylor that’s not funny at all, I was just asking if you’d be interested in helping me… All you had to say was no.”, She told me, and it sobered me up quickly seeing how I’d hurt her feelings.

“Sam, No! That’s not what I was laughing at I promise!”, I pleaded with her. “Sam I’d love to help you, what I was thinking about was that maybe this is a sign from God that you were meant to pitch softball.”

She scrunched up her face trying to figure out what I was saying, she just blurted out, “Say what?”

I started to giggle again, “Yeah Sam… It’s definitely a sign from God… I’d love to help you, and I still have all my catcher equipment.” I paused only for a quick second to compose myself, then delivered it as straight as possible, “And I, by the way… I, ahem, haven’t outgrown any of my equipment…”

The stunned disbelief I read on her face set me off again, uncontrollably this time. She sat there for a few seconds and her expression went from disbelief, to upset, then she slapped me on the leg, then burst out laughing with me. We laughed until our sides were screaming in agony, that’s how Mom found us when she walked in the front door.

“So what kind of trouble are you two up to?”, She asked, obviously amused.

Sam immediately stood up and looked uncomfortable as she glanced back and forth between my mom and me, at that moment I realized I forgot to let her know that Mom and Dad would be okay with her being, well her.

I started to say, ‘Sam its okay’, but mom beat me to the punch and quickly closed the few steps to wrap her arms around Sam.

“Sam, sweetie… It’s so good to see you.”, Mom told her while hugging her, it only took a few seconds to see Sam visibly relax and return the hug.

As they let go Sam told her, “It’s been way too long Mrs. T. I’ve missed being over here.” At that moment I realized that Sam was exactly as tall as my Mom, that put her between five eight, and five nine…

Mom stepped back and appraising Sam’s new ‘look’, she said, “My God you’ve gotten so pretty.” That got Sam to smile, but she also blushed. Mom continued, “So what is a pretty young lady like you doing hanging out with that scoundrel son of mine?” Sam at first looked like she was going to defend me but saw my Mom’s smirk and then she started to giggle.

Not to feel left out I whined, “Moooom, don’t you know how much I resemble that remark?!” At the stern look mom gave me that set me off to laughing again, which only made me grab my sides and utter, “Ow, ha, Ow, ha Ow.”

Sam started to giggle but then we both saw mom’s expression change, it looked like she was about to cry. Sam asked, “Mrs. T., what’s wrong?”

I immediately stopped laughing, thinking my joke had gotten me in trouble some how, I stood up and walked over to Mom and told her, “Mom… I’m sorry I was only joking…”

Mom then quickly scooped me in her arms and hugged me tightly, I glanced at Sam and saw she looked fairly uncomfortable, and I guess Mom noticed it to because she motioned Sam to join us and she quickly pulled Sam into the group hug as well. Mom then whimpered, “Thank you Sam for helping to bring back my son.”

Sam tried to argue, “Mrs. Taylor… I don’t understand… I didn’t do anything… Jordan has been the one that’s been helping me so much today…”

I knew mom was crying now, I felt her tears hit the top of my head as she told Sam, “Sam, you’ve done more than you can possibly imagine… I don’t remember the last time I heard him laugh…”

I felt both Sam and Mom’s arms tighten around me and each other, I even could tell Sam was starting to cry when she started to sniffle. I couldn’t escape the two women who were bigger and stronger than I was, and they were holding me tight. The worst part was I felt my own emotions start to betray me as I started to feel my eyes watering up as well. I did the only thing I could do in that situation to save face, and escape. I muttered as loud as I could, considering where my face was buried, “MOM, I can’t breathe! Your boobs are suffocating me!!!”

I felt, more than heard, Sam start to giggle, but thankfully they both let me go. Mom glared at me, with tears still glistening on her cheeks, like she was upset I had robbed her of a good cry. She just muttered, “Oh you!!! Like I said, scoundrel!!!”

She then did something that she used to do to me a lot, she did this thing where she would just softly back hand me with just a flick of her wrist. It never hurt before, and I knew she was just giving me a playful smack, but I winced as her fingers glanced my… where the dodgeball had hit me earlier… Fine my breast… It was my damn breast, okay!?! I quickly tried to mask my grimace, as I covered my… breast… Fine are you happy?!? Thank god right now it only looked like I was a little chunky in my chest area, as long as you didn’t see how rail thin I was almost everywhere else, so they didn’t look like breasts… Yet… Sam gave me a worried look, and so did Mom. It was the look of surprise on Mom’s face that let me know that she knew what it was…

Sam asked, “Jordie what’s wrong?” Mom just covered her mouth with her hands in surprise.

I muttered, “It’s nothing… I just got beaned really hard in dodgeball by one of the seniors… I think its just bruised. I’m okay though.”

Sam gave me one of her funny looks, again like she didn’t totally believe me. Thankfully Mom spoke up to save the day, “Oh, well just keep an eye on it okay… So, who wants to help me with dinner?”

I readily jumped at the chance, anything to get me out of the situation I was currently in, “I’ll help, Sam do you mind?”

Still eyeing me and my mom warily, Sam said, “Sure… I help my Mom cook all the time… I’d love to help.”

With that settled, we all headed into the kitchen, thankfully. As mom was getting things out she told Sam, “Oh… I’m sorry I forgot to mention that Jordan has certain dietary restrictions his dietician set up for him… Him and I typically eat the same thing, occasionally his Dad has to get out to get something more… Robust…” I was silently thanking God that she didn’t say ‘manly’.

Sam was glancing at all the things mom was setting out, she said, “That’s okay… It mostly looks like stuff I eat in my own diet…”

Mom gave her an odd glance, “You have the same restrictions as Jordan?” I softly groaned, but nobody appeared to hear me.

Sam told her, “Well not really… But we’ve done a lot of research, and a lot of foods can be used to boost hormone production… I’ve been eating a lot of soy and stuff like that that boosts my estrogen since I can’t get anything but T blockers right now…”

Mom looked at Sam surprised, “Oh I thought you were already doing your HRT since you seem to be developed some already…”

Without thinking I corrected mom, “No she has to wait until she’s sixteen for that…” At Sam’s shocked expression I realized I made another mistake…

“That’s right… How’d you know that Jordan?”, she asked, slightly aggravated.

“Like I said I’ve read about it… I promise… I’m not trans… Mom do I want to be a girl? Be honest with her.”, I immediately started praying that mom would only answer the question I asked.

“No Jordan, I know you don’t want to be a girl… Sam he’s telling you the truth about that… He wants to be nothing but a big strong man, more than anything…”, Mom stated, I could feel the disappointment in her voice though.

Sam accused, “It all seems kinda weird… You know all that trans stuff, and you’re eating pretty much the same as I am… You know how it looks don’t you?”

“The diet is just because of my issues with protein, that’s the only reason… If you notice most of this is low on protein right… The stuff that typically boosts your T levels has a lot of protein in them… I swear, the stuff I know is because I’ve read it, I was curious and wanted to know more… It’s not because I’m trying to transition…”, I was begging, and I knew it… The truth is, transition is the very last thing I wanted, I wanted desperately to be a big strong guy… The thing is we don’t always get what we want…

Her face softened some, I hoped she could tell I was being sincere, because I really was. “Okay… You know you can tell me anything Jordan…”

I nodded, “I know that… I do… There are several things I’m still struggling with, with my problem… It’s really hard for me to talk about right now…” I felt the tears come unbidden to my eyes, and I tried to wipe them away. “Sam… As soon as I can… talk about it… You’ll be the first to know… Please… I can’t…” My voice cut off completely as I tried to stop the fear from causing me to completely lose it.

I could see Sam’s concern for me as she came over and hugged me, “It’s okay Jordie… I’ll be here when you’re ready…” I felt Mom’s hand gently rest on my shoulder…

I knew I was going to explode any moment, I gently pulled away, “I know Sam… I need to go to the bathroom really quick…” Sam, deeply concerned, simply nodded.

As I was entering the living room when I heard mom tell her, “He’s been struggling really hard over everything that he’s lost…” I wasn’t able to hear anything else as I bounded up the stairs to my bathroom. I had barely made it in and locked the door when the dam broke… I quickly turned the sink faucet on full blast to try to disguise my body wracking sobs. It took me several minutes to get control of myself… I saw the red puffy eyes when I looked into the mirror, knowing I couldn’t hide that… Then I mused, the way my life is heading by next year I’ll be able to hide that and fix my mascara at the same time… Then I started to get angry, compared to crying, anger was good. That was something I had some control over, unlike these damn tears… A few minutes later I had my face cleaned and had gotten myself composed as well as I could, so I headed back downstairs.

It was weird when I walked back into the kitchen. Sam was helping Mom and they were acting like the last half an hour hadn’t happened. I jumped in to help finish, and since tonight was one of Dad’s poker nights he was probably out smoking cigars and probably eating pizza… God I missed pizza… Once dinner was finished, all three of us sat down and the conversation never drifted towards me or my meltdown. We talked about Sam wanting to play fast pitch, and how I was going to help her get ready. Mom even mused that it would be nice if they let boys play softball, so she could see us in action once again. I thought about that for a moment, I might be able to play softball once everything is out, and I might be able to catch Sam’s pitches again… That was the first time that the thought of what was happening to me didn’t upset me. Figures it had to involve sports of some sort…

We were cleaning up when a knock was at the door, Mom went to answer it and left me and Sam alone in the kitchen. She looked at me and asked, “You okay?”

I told her softly, “I’m trying to be at least…”

She hesitantly came up to me slightly reaching her arms out like she wanted a hug, I smiled and nodded okay. She then wrapped me gently with her arms and whispered in my ear, “Jordie… This has been the best day that I’ve had in… I can’t even remember…”

I squeezed her back and whispered, “Same here Sam… Sam… I promise when I’m able to…”

She shushed me and said, “I know… I’m reminding you that I’ll be here when you’re ready…”

I didn’t trust myself to say anything, so I just gently nodded as I felt her warm breath on my cheek and that warmth spread through me again, but this time a little more intense and with tingles all over my skin. Then she surprised me and gave me a soft kiss on the, and that caused the tingles to intensify enough that I shivered. She quickly pulled back smiling, and said a soft, “Sorry, I didn’t know what came over me… See you tomorrow?”

I was caught off guard, but I wasn’t angry that she kissed my cheek. Like before the tingles were new, but really not unpleasant… I smiled and told her, “You better believe it… Thanks for everything today Sam…” I then gave her a quick hug again, and then we went to where we heard mom and Mrs. Wilkins, Sam’s mom, talking.

When we walked into the living room, her mom about mobbed us, asking how our day and everything was… Basically how Mom treated us when she came home earlier… As they were leaving, Mrs. Wilkins grabbed me in a hug and told me how thankful she was that I pulled through, and how I’d been there for her daughter today. I just stammered out the same thing I told Sam, she has always been my friend, and because he became a her, it didn’t change anything to me.

As soon as they were in their car and pulling out of the driveway, Mom came over to me and put her arm over my shoulder and asked, “Are you doing any better sport?”

I shrugged my shoulders, at least I can tell Mom the truth, “I don’t know Mom… Today was a really great day until… well… You saw…”

She gave my shoulders a squeeze and told me, “I know baby…”

“I’m worn out, I’m just going to go shower and go to bed okay?”, I ask her.

I can tell she wanted to say more because she’s still concerned but she nods and tells me, “Alright sweetie, don’t forget your evening dose.”

As I headed upstairs I thought how could I forget, she reminded me to do that almost every night, like I could forget anymore even if I wanted to. I know what happens when I don’t take them, I start getting sick again. Not violently sick like I used to get, but enough that I’m afraid to eat. After spending a few years vomiting multiple times a day, every day, and even if there wasn’t anything to vomit, you soon get to where you’ll do anything to stop feeling sick again. Even if it was taking medicine that while it was giving me my health back, it was robbing me from everything that I thought made me, well me…

It didn’t take me long to take my shower and once I was dried off and brushed my teeth, I opened up my medicine cabinet and took out the damned little blue pill. I hated the fact of how much I needed it, and how afraid I was of not taking it. As I placed it under my tongue to dissolve like I had been instructed, I started to do an inspection in the mirror. Seeing the extra tissue on my chest I realized thankfully they still didn’t look like breasts to me. Except the right one was a little swollen and red from the hit that the goon gave me.

Remembering how much that one had hurt when I got beaned by the ball, I started pressing on both of them, I winced when I realized the left one was almost as sore too. I’d been on the medications for just over five months, and nothing had really happened so far. I had thought everything I had read or been told was going to be wrong. Maybe it wouldn’t change me… The soreness in the tissue was a stark reminder of how foolish hope can be sometimes. It was just a couple of weeks ago when I had noticed the first sign of extra flesh, and now it was pretty substantial. How could they have changed this fast… Then I remembered a warning the endo guy had told me… He had said that due to the malnourishment that I had endured, that it might take awhile for my body to respond to the meds, but once it did that it would more than likely rush in an attempt to catch up on everything that the malnourishment had stalled. The only problem was the pill that was almost completely dissolved under my tongue. It was going to be sending the wrong signals to my body and what it should be catching up on…

I then started to worry just how big they were going to get… Or how much everything else was going to change… Then I remembered reading something I really wished I hadn’t read… For trans-girls to get an idea of what to expect was to look at the closest biological female in their family… Also, the younger someone was, the more hormone therapy would affect them… I really didn’t want to know that right now. I felt the tears start to form, and I no longer had the strength, or desire, to attempt to stop them… I’m only fourteen years old, and my mom is beautiful… She’s also got the figure of one of those old pin-up girls, even though over the years she’s gained an extra ten or fifteen pounds, she has an incredible figure… I thought about Sam, and how she was the lucky one… Of course, she was probably wishing we could swap Mom’s for this, while her mother was very attractive… I realized just how much Sam already looked like her… But anyway, while she was really pretty, Mrs. Wilkins was very fit and trim from all the yoga she did. She was shapely, but I wouldn’t say she was anywhere close to voluptuous, at least not like my mom…

I didn’t know how long I had been crying, or how much noise I had been making, at least until Mom knocked on the bathroom door, “Jordan, honey… Open the door baby…”

I tried to answer her, but couldn’t form the words, so I slowly unlocked and opened the door. She took one look at me and gently pulled me to her, “Baby tell me what’s wrong… Please… Let me help you…”

I whimpered as I clutched on to her as if my life depended on it, “Momma… make it stop… please make it stop…”

She slowly stroked my hair, “Baby stop what? I’ll do whatever I can, just tell me what you want me to stop…”

“It’s started… Please make it stop…”, I couldn’t get any other words out.

“I don’t know what it is baby…”, She tells me, she slowed draws back enough to look at me to try to see what’s wrong… Since I can’t form any coherent sentences I just point to my chest, to which he eyes open wide, right before she pulls me back to her. “Jordan, we knew this was going to happen, its going to be okay… You can get through this baby…” She held me for a long while until my sobbing subsides. She then led me to my bedroom and sat us both down on the bed.

I was still extremely emotional, but at least a lot calmer after all those tears were shed… “Mom… I’m sorry… I don’t know if I can… Knowing this is going to happen and seeing it actually happening… I don’t know how to deal with this…”

Wrapping an arm around me again, she whispers, “Jordan stop it, you are strong enough for anything… You always have been… Even when things were at their worst, you faced so much already that would break most people…”

“This is worse mom… At least when I started getting sick… At least I was still me… Now… I don’t know…”, I tell her starting to feel upset again.

“Jordan, no matter how much your body might change… You’ll still be you…”, she tries to tell me.

“No Mom you’re wrong… It’s already happening… I’ve already started to feel like I’m losing myself, and its barely started…”, I tell her, trying desperately to get her to understand.

“Jordan… Look at Sam, has she changed? It looked to me like you and her hit it off just like old times…”, she tells me.

“It’s not the same thing Mom! Sam wants this, she’s happier now than I’ve ever seen her… I don’t want this… I’ll only be like she was before.”, I say, with tears slowly starting to form again.

“Jordan you don’t know that for sure… You need to talk to Sam… Let her know what’s really going on… She could help…”, She tried to tell me.

“I do want to tell her… I really do… I just can’t…”, I manage to say through all the sniffling.

“Why are you afraid to tell her?”, she asked.

The truth was, I don’t think it was Sam I was afraid of telling. I tell her that, “Mom… I don’t think I’m afraid of telling her… It’s more like… If I say it out loud… It becomes… Real…” By her confused expression I knew she didn’t understand, not like I explained it at all. I tell her, “Mom… Today was the best day that I’ve had since… Today was the first time like I’ve felt like myself since before I got sick… I can’t tell anyone…”

She was still confused, but she said, “Jordan, I can’t tell you how happy I am that today was a good day… We never thought you’d have any more like that… What does that have to do with telling Sam?”

Frustrated, I looked up at her pleadingly, “Mom I liked me, the old me… Today reminded me of just how much I liked being me…Mom if I tell her, if I tell anyone… It’s like I’m admitting that me is gone… forever…”

She holds me, “Baby, just cause your body is changing doesn’t mean you have to quit being you. Only you can define who you are okay?”

Sadly, I shook my head, she still didn’t get it, “Mom you’re wrong… I’ve already started changing… All these emotional outbursts… That’s not me… If I tell anyone, then the old me, the me I like, will only become a memory… Mom… That’s all I have left of me… I can’t lose that… at least not right now…”

No more words of importance were said after that, she just held me as I cried a bit more… After she left my room I lied there in misery over my situation. The closest to a positive thought I had was that I had wished I had gotten Sam’s number… The only thing I wanted to do was to call her so I could make her laugh… Her laugh... That seemed to be the only thing that can drown out my own demons…

 
 
To be continued.