April and June

Let me introduce myself, my name is Clifford, but you can call me Cliff.   I’m just your average guy, single, work for a living, have a one bedroom apartment, and a cat.   For most of my 38 years, I’ve been single.   I love women, but have a pattern of becoming fast friends with them and when I want more, they don’t.   It is always the same, “I wouldn’t want to do anything to ruin our friendship.”   Trouble is, the longer we stay friends, the more I feel for her, the friendship erodes.   I admit, it’s hard to watch someone you are in love with date another guy.   What’s worse is when she has to tell me about every date.   I am her BFF so she treats me like any other of her friends, her other GIRL friends unfortunately.   I can’t tell you how much I HATE hearing how cute some guy is when we are out together.   I don’t point out all the pretty girls I see.   Why can’t women be more considerate of my feelings?  

Due to my propensity for becoming a BFF instead of a boyfriend my dating experience isn’t what it should be.   I’ve gone out hundreds of times as friends and as part of a group of girls.   When I was younger the nicest worst compliment I ever had was when a friend’s mother told me she didn’t worry when her daughter went out with me.   She told me how nice I was and how safe she felt about me being with her daughter that she could stay out an extra hour later when she was with me.   There is an ego booster and killer all at the same time.   I mean, you have to say “thank you Mrs. Smith.”   When you’re a 20 year old guy, you don’t want to be considered safe with someone’s daughter, it’s just not the right kind of confidence booster.   The girl just laughed and agreed with her mom about how nice I was.  

I did date a little bit here and there, but I always felt awkward and clumsy.   I found it hard to go in for the kiss.   For whatever reason, hugging came as naturally as breathing.   Kissing was weird for some reason.   Since I’m being honest I should admit that all physical contact of a more intimate nature came hard to me.   Part of the problem has always been about self-confidence.   I don’t have any.   Maybe being overweight all my life and the scars of being picked on has something to do with it.   Maybe it’s from my secret fantasy life.   You see, I’ve always been drawn to the transgendered world.   When I was around 12, I started trying on my mother’s and sister’s panties, bras, dresses and loved it!   I remember taking a bath wearing my sister’s one piece bathing suit.   Looking in the mirror wearing the swimsuit I finally saw the resemblance to her that people always commented on.     As I grew up and became larger in both length and circumference I was too large to wear their things anymore.  

Around the same time I stopped dressing due to size problems, I discovered Feminet, Compuserve, Tri-Ess, and the T&B BBS’.   A whole new world was suddenly opened to me where there were cross dressers, transsexuals who I could talk with about my feelings.   They had message areas where all kinds of topics were discussed.   They talked about hormones, men’s to women’s clothes size conversions, shaving, passing.   For me it was an amazing window into a whole world that I thought maybe I belonged in.   To my amazement there was something else on these BBS places.   They had file areas that contained stories.   Actual stories of men becoming women.   There were stories where the man wanted to be a woman, was tricked, cursed, forced, to become women.   There was magic, hormones, special conversion drugs..etc   If you are reading this, then you most likely already know what kinds of stories exist.   For me in the early late 1980’s this was an amazing find.  

While it’s true I wasn’t dressing any longer, I voraciously read the stories and got a sexual thrill out of a lot of them.   I read all I could about hormones.   The idea of growing womanly curves and having breasts was titillating.   I learned the dangers of playing with hormones, but at the same time how to obtain them illegally if I wanted them.   After a number of years having read 100’s of stories, instructional files, messages, and emails with my new friends I came to the conclusion I’m not TG.   To this day I love reading the stories, and what it’s like when a boy’s or man’s breasts start to grow.   What it feels like to jiggle, to have nice round body shape.   For me it’s just enjoyable fantasy and I’m okay with that.   I don’t dress, but I have friends that do, or that are transitioning and are wonderful people.   A side-effect of my interest in T issues, and having watched Donahue, Oprah, Sally Jessie I’ve become very good at spotting T-girls.   I’m not 100% perfect, and it’s not something I do for sport, it’s just something I can see in faces.   For instance, I could read Jan Morrison and Renee Richards, but Carolyn Cossey (Tula) never in a million years.   She was a Bond girl for goodness sake!

I’ve met the most wonderful girl.   Her name is April.   She’s 29, red hair, green eyes, my height, trim but well endowed.   I have no idea about her weight, I’m terrible at guessing things like that.   Let’s just say she has a perfect figure, to me anyways.   Ample on top, curvy on the bottom, and the kicker, she really LIKES me.   I don’t mean as the BFF either if you know what I mean.  

We had a some dates and when we got to her place she asked me why I hadn’t tried to kiss her except on the cheek as I was leaving each time.   I was looking in her eyes when she asked me and I felt a flush come to my cheeks as my nerves kicked in.   I just told her something lame about getting over a cold and just being careful.   I knew she didn’t believe me, but I got away as quickly as I could.   On our next date we were inside a restaurant booth when she brought it up again.   In point-blank fashion she came out and asked me if I didn’t like her.   “Of course I like you, I’m nuts about you,” I told her.   She quickly fired back with “why won’t you kiss me then?” I asked her if we could talk about it when we got home.   She said “sure” and got the check.   We were supposed to go to a movie, but she wanted to go straight home to have it out.

She’s the best girl I’d ever gone out with.   We liked the same things, football, baseball, hockey, foods, and movies.   We could talk about anything.   When we got back to her place and got settled in, she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.   I decided then and there to just bare my soul and try to explain how awkward I feel when trying kiss and such.   She nodded encouragingly and I promised her I wanted to work on it but that I’m afraid she’d leave me because I suck at the physical stuff.   She didn’t say anything but kept looking at me as if she was expecting more.   My whole past came pouring out to her.   I told her about dressing in my teens, about the BBS’ and now websites.   I assured her that although I love reading the stories, I had no desire to become female or any desire to be feminized.

After I was done I was a blubbering mess.   She held me while I cried my eyes out.   I explained I’d never told anyone else about the stories and my T world/friends.   When I was finished she looked at me with what I can only call a whimsical smile.   I didn’t know what to make of it, but she told me I’m safe with her and so are my secrets.   I think that was the moment I realized I was in love.   I asked her what she thought about my physical hesitancy.   She just got an even bigger smile on her face and told me we would keep working on it until it was second nature.     Think how much fun it will be practicing.   She agreed to take the more aggressive role in initiating things.   Could life be any better?   What a woman I’d found!!!

Over the course of the next month or however long it was, we kissed a lot, this soon progressed to caresses and fondles.   Fondles led to out and out groping.   We knew we were ready to go to the next level, which for normal people would be the third date, but what can I say, I was inhibited.   Suddenly April became inhibited.   I couldn’t understand what was going on with her.   She let me have full access up top if you know what I mean, and she took advantage of my total exposure.   All she would tell me is that she wasn’t ready to go there yet.   Confused the hell out of me, I thought *I* was trying to go there.

  After a couple weeks of stalling, I finally asked her point blank the same way she’d asked me all those weeks ago.   She told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and she knew she’d lose me for sure if we went any farther.   This was utterly perplexing to me as she’d been the motivating force to get us as far as we were physically.   I asked her jokingly “you don’t have teeth in your vagina like in that movie do you?”   She burst into tears and ran out outside.   I sat on the couch stunned.   What did I say that was so terrible?   It was just a movie after all, she couldn’t really have teeth down there.   Could she?   Nah!

I went outside to find her and she was just sitting on the steps of the stoop staring into space.   I sat next to her and put my arm around her.   She leaned into me and I asked her again what was wrong.   She already knew my secrets what could be so bad?   She took me by the hand and led me inside.   She told me she’d been lying to me this whole time.   I thought she meant she didn’t love me.   It was crushing.   “Why did you string me along if you didn’t love me,” I cried out.   She said, “no no no, you don’t understand, I love you dearly.   More than anyone I’ve ever loved before.   Please sit down and let me show you something,” she sighed.

I sat back down on the couch.   April took off her shirt, then her bra.   I was happy so far.   She then slid off her pants.   Finally we were getting somewhere!   Then she took off her pantyhose which looked a bit tight to me.   Now she was looking me in the eyes, unblinking, she pulled down her panties.   I looked and there was still material there.   I stupidly asked if she was wearing a napkin pad.   She shook her head.   I looked closer and it dawned on me what it must be.   I asked if it was a gaff.   With tears in her eyes she nodded, yes.  

Do you know how you go through life thinking you are one way, then reality hits you in the face and suddenly, maybe you aren’t as liberal as you think you are?   You know what I mean, the guy who talks about African Americans and how he doesn’t have a problem with them.   Then something ugly happens and suddenly its “Those damn N*!   You can’t trust them as far as you can throw one.”     Maybe nothing at all happens, but he makes jokes about them or just listens and laughs along with everyone else.   Still in his mind he’s not prejudiced.   This was that moment for me.   I’d watched television shows, movies, read biographies, stories, talked to people online…this was my first ever in person encounter with a transsexual woman.   That I know of anyways.   This was the woman I loved.   Or is this a man I love?   I’m not gay, I have no interest in men that way at all.   This is April, she’s doesn’t look male in any way.   From her voice to her face to her figure…all girl.   But not totally.

What do I do now?   In a perfect world, I’d have just taken April into my arms given her a deep long kiss and tell her it didn’t matter.   In a perfect world, I’d be taking this in stride.   In a perfect world I’d have actually said or done SOMETHING.   But no, I sat on the couch, my mouth hanging open my eyes fixated on the gaff between her legs.   April just stood there more a minute crying or sobbing might be a better description.   Finally after I didn’t say anything she said “well you may as well see all of me.”   Then she removed the gaff.   There it was, a penis, just as I feared.   I wish I had said something more eloquent than, “OH. MY. GOD!”   However that’s all that came out…three times.   April put her clothes back on and asked me to leave.   She told me to call if I wanted to keep seeing her or to discuss things.   I didn’t say anything, I was numb.   I just got up and staggered to the door.   No goodbye, no I’ll call you, nothing of encouragement at all.   I also felt sorry for myself.   What an ASSHOLE!  

I went home and started to think again; A kind of a self-evaluation if you will.   Who am I?   What do I really believe?   Is it all lip service?   Am I some kind of hypocrite?   One thing I did know, I’m a human being, and therefore I’m flawed.   That’s a comforting bit to know about oneself.   If you don’t recognize that you are flawed and believe yourself to be perfect then there is nowhere to go but down.   If you believe yourself to be perfect, well you’re in for a major letdown.   However I have something to deal with that affect my entire life.

April is a man.   No, April is a woman, who has a penis.   Or April is a man who has breasts and curves.   If I love April, what does that make me?   Now that I’ve calmed down a tad I think it makes me a heterosexual just like I always was.   I fell in love with a woman, her name is April.   She has this thing though that is a major obstacle however.   On the other hand, if she is going to have it removed and get vaginoplasty then does it become moot?   Will I see her as a woman or a former man?   Am I a good enough..no strike that, am I a brave…no strike that too..am I a strong enough person to be able to be in love with a woman who isn’t all the way there yet.   What would my parent’s and friend’s say?   They don’t know I’m into the T world to begin with, let along hey my girlfriend is/was a guy.   Hell I don’t even know if April wants to have the operation.   I’m so confused.   I don’t want to lose April, but I don’t want to touch her there either.   Maybe I’m not trans-phobic, maybe I’m homophobic.   I like lesbians though,..guess that’s not the same thing.   I wouldn’t want a man hitting on me that’s rather a repellent thought.  

What is April to me?   Is she a man or is she a woman?

A woman.

What is April to April?

I don’t know.   Maybe I should talk to her.   Okay, where’s the damn cell phone?   Oh..here it is..”Hi April, it’s me Cliff.   I thought you might know the voice heh ummm I want to see you so we can talk about….ummm things.   Okay great, see you in a few.”  

{Sigh} knock on the door, it easy.   Maybe I’ll ring the bell.  

“Hi April.   Are you okay,” I asked.  

“Really Cliffie that depends on you doesn’t it.   Can you handle what you now know about me or will you be like all the others?”  

“Gee April, I just found out…hey what other guys??”  

“Never mind about other guys, this is between us Cliff.”  

“You’re right…but you always seem to be right.   Okay, obviously I have some questions for you.”

“Obviously”

“First of all, I’d never have guessed you weren’t all girl.   That’s a testament to how beautiful you are!   Second, what are you plans regarding surgery.   Are you going to have it removed and the whole nine yards as it were?”

“If/when I have the surgery I don’t think I want a nine yard canyon between my legs.   Seriously though, it’s not in any short term plans.   I don’t have that kind of money, and neither do you or my parent’s.   I wouldn’t expect any of you guys to pay for it anyways.   I’ve come this far on my own. “

“What do you see happening with us?”

“I don’t know Cliff, I think the ball is in your court.   I know your secrets, and now you know mine.   I work and live as a woman.   All my paperwork shows female, I take my hormones and androgen blockers.   For the moment I’m as girly as I can make myself without surgery.”

“What did you think my reaction was going to be?   I’m not trying to play 20 questions with you, I’m just trying to understand and see what your thinking was about when you told me and why you didn’t tell me earlier.”

“Look at it this way, just because you talked to people on websites, just because you read stories, it’s not the same a confronting a real living breathing human being.   I’m sure it’s easy to accept one of your online friends when she get the operation.   I’ve seen your congratulations messages to them.   In your mind did you view them as real people or computer manifestations?”

“That’s not fair!   I try and be helpful and supportive to my online friends and I mean whatever encouragement I offer to them.   Just like I will with you if we are still a couple.”   I looked down after saying that.

“Wha what are you saying?   You still want to be with me?   Even knowing I have a cock?”

“Can we just call it a penis please?   You know I prefer non-slang terms.   Yes I want to be with you.   I don’t know about with your willy though.”

“June is with me all the time Cliff, love me and you’ll have to find a way to get along with her.”

“June? {snicker} why June?   Shouldn’t it have a male name?”

“Look at me darling, and then ask me again.”

“Good point.   Okay I’m willing to give it my all to make us work.   One request.”

“What?”

“We do try and save up for your operation so you can be complete.   However we get the money. Agreed?”

“Agreed Darling!   Come and give me your first T-kiss!”

“Don’t tease me please, this will be awkward for a while I think.”

“Okay, I’m sorry you are right it’s all still new to you.   Now kiss me my fool.”

Wow, it’s just like before.   I can’t believe it.   On some level I know she’s a guy but he kisses just like my April does.   How about that?

April and I got married in California after they legalized gay marriage.   We are working on saving up the money for her operation.   In the meantime, she’s stopped taking the anti-androgen which has give some life back to June.   I’m slowly learning to make friends with June.   April wants to initiate me the same way I do her.   Here we go again…she may not be 100% female yet but she does manage to win all the discussions.

The End