Chapter 8 – Mom’s Birthday

I went downstairs and ate breakfast first as Sam, the boy, following Doug’s idea. He was prescient in seeing that my family needed to see me that day as Sam just being Sam or else they would suspect something. If I came down as Samantha, I would be signaling too fast who I really was. Smart man!

Then, I went up, showered, dressed as Samantha, got made up with the teenage kit Mom bought, did my hair, put on one of the shoes we bought with a heel, grabbed my purse making sure it had everything, and went downstairs to wait for mom whistling “Here comes Santa Claus.”

Dad was taken back by how happy I was.

“It’s okay Dad, I just feel good about helping Cybil.”

He softly said, “And when she dies?”

I stopped, leaned back against the wall, and got tears in my eyes.

“I’m so sorry son, I just wanted to make sure that you don’t get so hooked on Cybil that you become morose like you did when your grandfather died.”

I realized that I needed that shock to keep my feet on the ground. “I understand Dad. Thanks. You are right. I did become a jerk when Grandpa died. And I need to keep in mind why I am doing all this.” I motioned my hands to indicate why I was dressed like a girl and looked like a girl.

Mom came in and said I looked very nice. She dropped me off at school a little early with the makeup kit for six year olds and headed off to her continuing education course to maintain her teaching credentials.

I sat down properly at an outside table. I smoothed my skirt and sat down with my legs closed like a proper lady should. My posture and bearing was all girl. I sat there waiting for Mrs. Duncan to show up to let me in. I passed the time reading the instructions for the makeup kit. One of the girls from the troop came and sat down in front of me. Her name was Mary. I didn’t know her last name.

“Hi Sam “

I looked up from my reading, “Oh hi Mary. You look nice today. That blouse is very pretty. I love all the roses on the field of black fabric.”

“Thank you Sam. Hope you aren’t taking this girl thing too far?”

I laughed instead of giggling. “Sorry, but when I get dressed up like a girl, I play the part.” I turned my attention back to the kit and changed the subject. “Maybe you can help me out. Did you every use one of these makeup kits when you were younger?”

“Yes, I got one of these for Christmas when I was seven. I loved it. Had hours of fun.”

“My Mom and I got it for Cybil. She wants to learn to do makeup and her nails. And I want to do it right.”

“Would you mind if I joined you today? We could all do it and then you know you would be doing it right.”

“Would you? I would love it! Oh, but do you have a means of getting home though?” I was back in girl mode.

“No problem, my Mom works as administrator in the hospital. Do you remember seeing her with me the other day?”

“Yes, I was going to ask you about that but I got caught up talking to Cybil.” I lied a little. I did see her with a woman who wasn’t wearing a lab coat or a nurse’s uniform, but I would more than likely never even say one word to her about whom she was talking to the day of our performance.

Mrs. Duncan arrived to let us both in. She looked me up and down approvingly, but didn’t say anything.

“Well?” Mary said. “Do you want me to come?”

“Yes, I do! Thank you!” and I hugged her.

Later, the two of us entered Cybil’s room

“Hi Cybil, I brought a friend with me who is a real makeup expert. I hope you don’t mind.” I went up and hugged her and we both air kissed.

Mary came in a marveled at Cybil’s dress.

“Samantha made it for me! She probably made the outfit she is wearing too.”

Mary looked at me and then, as if a light switch turned on, her face changed. “Jackie?”

“Um, Cybil, I need to talk to Mary for a moment, we will be right back.”

I gently grabbed Mary’s arm and quickly led her into the corridor. “Please, I am trying to keep that a secret. How did you know I was Jackie too?”

“I recognized your outfit from yesterday but couldn’t remember where I saw it. My older sister is Margaret. You altered her prom dress. She said you were the best seamstress she had ever met! She showed me the photo of you guys in front of the Olive Garden. I remembered your outfit in the photo because I figured it had to be handmade. No one was selling that style anymore because it shows no cleavage and the look of the fabric was too fresh and modern.”

“Okay, we need to get back in there. But, real fast, please, Mary, don’t tell anyone, please! Not even your sister. The reason I keep quiet about my sewing talent is that the boys at school will beat me up if they ever find out. They already want to kill me for playing female roles. I don’t want to give them another reason.”

“Oh my gosh, I can see that now. Okay, I won’t even tell my sister or my mother. It will be our secret. But you have to tell me more one day, okay?”

“Agreed. Thank you so much for keeping my secret.”

We went back into the room and spent a couple of hours. Cybil loved her nails and makeup.

Mary went up to see her mother before my Mom came and got me.

A week or so went by and the same routine. We did make up. I found out that she liked to sing. I thought about bringing my guitar the next time I came and surprising her.

It was a Tuesday. Doug was going to meet me at school later. My Mom had to do a business errand to the bank. Jane was off with her friends. I waited out front on the porch for Mom to come back and take me to class. I was dressed as Samantha. I looked all girl. I wore the denim jumper with a pink shirt. Even my sneakers were pink. My lips had lip gloss and my eyes were made up. And I had pink nails.

I had been so busy lately that I didn’t see that we had new next door neighbors move in. I heard babies crying. I got up to wander over to the garage side of our house and saw in the window next door a woman frantically trying to change a baby. She looked over at me and I could tell was excited.

The woman opened her side door to their porch and said, “Miss, Young Lady, can you come and help me. Please!”

I walked thru a gap in the bushes separating our homes, climbed the stairs to their deck, and went in to help her.

“Hello, my name is Hannah Smith. We just moved in. Are you our next door neighbor?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Could you help me please? I have triplets and they all are crying.”

“Sure, what can I do?

“Please take one of these two babies and hold her. “

I picked up one like I had learned during my Doug girl class and started to comfort the child. She grabbed the other and was holding two babies at once. She went over to a couch and sat down and relaxed. I followed suit and sat on the other side where I could watch our front driveway and watch for my Mom.

The baby girl enjoyed my touch and snuggled her face into towards my blouse. It was a wonderful feeling. I was instantly addicted.

“Hi, I’m sorry, my name is Samantha. I live next door. When did you move in? I’m sorry again, that must have sounded rude. I’ve been busy and …”

“No problem. Last week. I was wondering why I hadn’t seen you before. I have been spying the neighborhood looking for a young girl who might be able to help me.” She winked at me. I held back a smile as best as possible, but I lost the war.

“Oh, I have been busy. I have a friend in the hospital who has cancer.” I started to tear up. “And I have been visiting her every day to cheer her up.”

“What a lovely thing to do. That is so sweet of you. Oh, I guess I should introduce my babies. The one you are holding is Alice. She is the oldest. Then there is Brian here, the middle child, and Carol the youngest.”

“Hi Alice,” I said to the baby I was holding, “you are a pretty girl. Hello Brian, you are a handsome devil. And Carol, I know what is like being the youngest. So, if Alice here picks on you, you come to me.”

Mrs. Smith chuckled. She could tell I was falling in love with her children just like she expected any girl to do.

I felt Alice fill her diaper and giggled at the sound. ”She makes sounds like my older brother Robert when he watches the Superbowl with my dad. Boys can be so gross.” I scrunched my nose.

“I know. I just don’t understand why guys are into that game. Although, those tight fitting uniforms do make their behinds look real cute.”

I demurely replied, “My sister says the same thing. I’m still too young to understand yet.”

“How old is your sister?”

“Seventeen and she dates all the time now. I sort of miss having her around.”

“How old are you?”

“Eleve. I am going into seventh grade in the next few months.”

“Do you like school?”

“Oh yes, I love it. I am in summer school now only because I am studying Shakespeare. I made my own costume. I play Beatrice and Portia. And I even make my own clothes. But not today. I wanted to be a little girly for Cybil.”

“Nice. You have a real talent if you make your own clothes too. Most girls don’t know how to make clothes these days. I know I don’t.”

“That is how I met Cybil. She was in the hospital that we performed at and I got to know her this summer and” I started to choke up, “her mom asked if I could help her.”

“Oh my, is she in a bad way?”

“I think she won’t live much longer.” A few tears rolled down my face.

Alice filled her diaper again. “I think she is done. I hate to ask this. I am exhausted from moving in. I assume you know how to change her? The changing table is over there with all the necessary stuff.”

I calmly got up not wanting to give away the fact that I never had done this before, walked over to the curved foam changing pad and placed Alice on the quilted pad. “What diaper stack should I use?”

The one on the left of the three stacks you see there.

“Got it. Hi Alice, I am Samantha. I am going to change you.” I kept her attention as best I could. I picked up a diaper and put it aside while I undid her snaps. I saw her diaper bucket next to the table and the wipes too. I drew back her outfit top and bottom so all I could see was skin and what was diaper. I marveled at how small she was and how she was like the doll Doug had me work with. I undid the tabs and slowly pulled back the diaper. I could see all the liquid poop and I took her two little feet with my hand like I had learned in girl class and lifted her bottom up from the diaper. I then wiped front to back. Dumped the wipe into the diaper, and used another wipe for her backside. I folded up the diaper and put it aside. I then lower her onto a wipe. I unfolded the diaper I had put to the side and positioned it under her, and then spread her legs and did a wipe again front to back again and put the wipe on the old diaper. “Do you use any talc or cream?”

“No, not unless there is a rash. With three babies, I use it only when needed otherwise I would have to take out a loan to diaper the babies.”

I finished packing up the old diaper and threw it away in the diaper bucket. “Well, Alice, we are almost done.” I then attached the new diapers tabs and lifted her by the feet again and grabbed the old wipe and used it to clean my hands and then threw that away. Once I had done that, I blew a raspberry on her tummy. She liked it. “Aren’t you so cute Alice!” I blew another one and she moved her limbs with excitement. I smiled at her and then I pulled her onesie back down and snapped it back in place. Then I grabbed a blanket from the changing table’s shelves and swaddled Alice like I learned in my girl class. I picked her back up in my arms, kissed her cheek. She snuggled into me again and fell asleep.

“Nicely done Samantha. And you swaddled her too. Most girls don’t know how to do that either. You are a very talented young lady. I can see we are going to be great neighbors.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Smith. This is the first time I have ever changed a real baby. I only have ever done it with dolls before.” I caught myself realizing that I gave away too much information. “I learned with dolls in school.”

“Well, you look like you have been doing it your whole life. It is nice that they still teach baby care in school.”

“Thank you again.” I sat back done on the couch with her making sure to keep my legs together. Although, I was tempted to spread them a little to improve my balance with holding a baby in my hands.

“Well, maybe I can count on you to help me babysit?”

“I’d like that. I didn’t know how I would react to holding a real baby until now, but this is really nice. I love holding a baby. They smell so nice too.” I sniffed her baby. The feeling of holding Alice and knowing I was holding a precious life was something magical and intoxicating. I wanted more.

Mrs. Smith giggled and said, “You are going to make an excellent mother one day.”

“Thanks.” I blushed. But, it was obvious to me that I was digging myself into a hole. Mom would have to help me out of it. But, really, I didn’t care.

“Can I get your help tomorrow morning? I am having some professional photos taken here to send out to relatives. We don’t have any family here and I want to show off my babies.”

I came back to my senses. “You will have to talk it over with my mom,” I said out loud thinking ‘and get have get me out of this hole I am digging for myself.’ “but tomorrow I have class, sadly. I know how tough that is not to have family. We don’t have any family living in town anymore since my grandparents passed away. How old are your babies?”

“Four months.”

I had a thought. “Can you tell me what sizes your girls wear and what size your boy wears?”

“The girls are in three months now. Brian is wearing nine months already. Why?”

“I have some fabric left over from a plaid skirt I made with a Clan Stuart tartan. And some navy blue fabric. I think I can make them matching outfits tonight. I can’t guarantee it, but it would be real nice if you had photos made with matching outfits.”

“That’s so nice of you. I hadn’t thought of doing that. Thank you, but you don’t have to do it.”

“No problem, I would love to do it for you and the babies.” At that moment, I saw my mom drive into the driveway.”

Alice was sleeping. “My Mom’s here. I have to leave now Mrs. Smith. Can I put her in her crib please? I have to hurry before my mother thinks I got a ride with someone else.”

“Yes you may. I will see you tomorrow morning. Bring your mother so I can meet her.”

I gently placed Alice in her crib after giving her a kiss, said goodbye to Mrs. Smith, and ran to intercept Mom at the door.

Mom was just unlocking the back door when I came running up. “Sorry Mom, I was at the new neighbors.”

“Oh good. I have been wanting to meet them. Get in the car and tell me all about it. We’re running late. You look very girly today.”

“Thanks Mom. I hope Cybil will appreciate it. And, I really appreciate you helping me get me these clothes.” I told her everything that happened and what we talked about. “I really dug myself into a hole. Can you come over with me tomorrow and explain it to her. I think it coming from me it will sound a little creepy.”

“Sure Honey, it will give me a chance to know her and to set the record straight for you. You’re right. Sometimes it is best to let the adults explain such things so there is no misunderstanding.”

“I have the best Mom in the world.” When she dropped me off, I hugged her and headed off to class.

During class, I realized I had made a mistake by being too girly. A couple of the boys started to tease me. I was sitting on the school stage swinging my feet waiting for the costumes to be brought out for dressing up that day before we headed out for performances. I had on a pink sweater that my Mom bought because the room was cold. I was looking at my nails and admiring the job I did on painting them that day. There were no imperfections I could find. I liked the color too. It was a nice red. And I had a nice bracelet that Jane lent me that morning saying that it didn’t fit her wrist anymore. I reached in my purse and pulled out a brush and started brushing my hair.

Tom Hinks and Wilson walked up to me and said “Hey cutie boy!” as I sat there. I guess I should expect this kind of treatment sooner or later.

“C’mon guys, you know why I am doing this. It is for a girl with cancer.”

“We know the real reason why. You like being a girl.” I was glad when Mary intervened.

Before I could say anything, Mary walked up and looked at them square in the eyes. “You both were told to leave Sam alone. He is doing this for a dying girl.” Mary has quite a commanding presence and the boys backed down. She is an Alpha female.

“If Sam showed up here in clown face, would you call him a clown, tell him he liked being a clown, and make fun of him, or would you realize he was playing a clown before he performed his act so it was second nature to him before he faced a child that was facing death. All because he wanted to do the best job he could to make her happy and not spoil it with a poor performance.”

Tom Hinks looked beaten back by her logic. “I see your point Mary. Sorry Sam. You are acting like a girl now so you can be a good friend to her later and will stay in character. I guess I would too if I were in your shoes.” I would find out later that Tom got an A in Mrs. Duncan’s class. It was no surprise. He was in my gifted and talented classes a year back.

“Me too. Sorry Sam.” Wilson looked ashamed. He wasn’t smart, but he was Tom’s shadow and took his lead from him. I said “Thank you.” They walked off to get into their costumes for the day.

“Thanks Mary. Thanks for being there for me and being so understanding.”

“No problem. But, you do look very girly today. Any reason why?” I blushed and smiled.

“I am hoping Cybil will enjoy it. And it makes her brushing my hair much easier on me with her being on chemo if I don’t have a skirt to deal with while sitting on her bed. Skirts ride up and people can see my panties. I don’t want to give away any secrets about who I am in case they look at the panties. Plus, I asked my mother to make sure I had clothes to wear that would please her and make her feel good about being a girl.”

Mary looked at me being girly for a moment and didn’t say anything. Her mind was processing something. “Okay. Well, you succeeded nicely. I am proud of your dedication to putting on a good performance.”

Later that day, it was Jane who knocked on the door.

“Hi Cybil. How are you doing? My name is Jane and I am Samantha’s sister.”

“Hi Jane. I’m hanging in there. You are beautiful too just like your sister!”

In behind Jane came Mrs. Allen. “Hi Samantha! Who do we have here? Are you two sisters. You look so much alike.”

Behind her walked in a strange man. “Daddy!” cried Cybil, “You came home!”

“Yes dear,” he rushed to his little girl’s side and hugged her. “I love you sweetheart!”

While they were chatting, Mrs. Allen pulled Jane and I together and whispered, “He doesn’t know about you, Samantha. Who she really is. He is a man’s man and will freak out if he knew. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, okay?” She winked.

We nodded in agreement and winked back.

Then the introductions were made and we chatted for a few minutes.

“Samantha, can I talk you for a moment while Jane talks to Cybil and her dad?”

“Sure, I’d love to.”

In the corridor, Mrs. Allen sat down on one of two empty chairs. I sat down on the other chair and pulled it around so we could face each other. She spilled her guts and was crying. “They are taking her off of chemo. They say the cancer has spread and she only has weeks to live.” I reached out and held her hands. “I am going to try and be here as much as I can, but I run my business all by myself. I can’t stay away for too long. Her dad is going to be staying in a room here next to the hospital so he will be here 24/7. It was arranged by Dr. Ryland, bless him. My husband has gotten a six month paid bonus leave, thank the angels in heaven.” I would later learn that the men on the oil rig took up a collection and donated a week’s vacation so Mr. Allen could by his daughter’s side. Men can be generous and sweet too.

“How can I help? Could I stay her with her longer?”

“No, just be here when as you have been. She only has about two hours a day of energy anyway, and you bring her such joy during that time. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Okay,” I said. “thanks for letting both of us know about Mr. Allen. He seems like a very good man. I respect him. Cybil, I can tell, really loves him. But we should warn the staff not to mention anything”

“Oh, it makes me feel better to hear you say that. I know your heart. I have let Dr. Ryland know, so you don’t need to warn him. I told Nurse Janice and she has spread the word. And I am so blessed that you are willing to do this for her.”

Going out the door that day, Jane said, “That sweater is much more girly than you normally wear.”

“I have been hearing that a lot today. Mom got me the outfit because I wanted a couple of girly outfits. I know it makes Cybil feel better.”

“Why do you think she feels better?”

“Because she can’t dress like this right now. I was thinking it was giving her something to look forward to when she gets better. But, I think that won’t happen now.” Jane could hear the sadness in my voice.

On the drive home, I told Jane what was happening. We stopped to get patterns for baby’s clothes. I got some big buttons and some buttons about a quarter of the size. I got some elastic and other things. Then, I cried all the way home from the fabric store. When we got home, I said I wasn’t hungry and was going to make those outfits to get my mind off Cybil. I worked hard on the baby clothes. I made a cute little jumper pleated skirt for the girls with cute suspenders. I made a suit for Brian with a small vest that had a navy blue back, and the same plaid on the front that the girls had. His vest used small buttons. I then made a beige shirt for him with a fake tie based on the dress that I made for Cybil. So, it looked like a tie but wasn’t. For the girls, I made nice beige blouses with ruffles at the wrists.

I steam pressed the dresses so the pleats held. I couldn’t wait to see them on the babies. My Mom and Dad came in to see how I had done. “Dad, I have had time to think about what you said about her dying. Can I talk to you guys about Grandma?”

“Sure.” They said in unison. They looked relieved that I wanted to talk to them. They didn’t even notice that I sat with them on the couch like a proper young lady with my knees together, feet crossed, my hands in my lap, and good posture.

“How did you handle it Mom?”

“Oh my, I cried every night, and got up and took care of you all. I took it one day at a time. Then after a month, it became easier. Then three more. And then I began to breathe again. I still think about them every day. You kids will do something and I want to rush to the phone and tell them about it. And, then I realize I can’t. So, I tell the wind and pray it takes to them my words where ever they are now. And every so often, I hear an answer. Something inside me says they know. It will be the same way with you and Cybil.”

“Then, maybe the babies next door might be the best thing for me. I will be sure to share them with Cybil and then that way, I will know that when I hold them, I will be with Cybil again. Anyway, I just want you both to know that I won’t hold it in this time. I might work on something for the moment, like these outfits, but I promise to come and talk it out with you. I am sorry I hurt you both after Grandpa died. You didn’t deserve that. I am so lucky to have you both as parents. I don’t want to forget you ever again.”

“You have grown up so much Sam. Thank you for talking to us first. And yes, I agree, taking care of those babies would be good for you.” mom said.

“We were worried.” Dad said. “I love you.” Mom said. Dad said, “I do too.” Mom and Dad hugged me and sent me off to bed after checking to see if I was hungry.

I woke up the next morning, went downstairs, got a big breakfast, and went upstairs and got showered and dressed. I grabbed my purse, checked it, and went downstairs to get the outfits. Mom had gotten up early after hearing me and said to me, “Ready to go talk to Mrs. Allen?”

“Yes Mom.” I showed her the outfits. “They are darling! She will love them. You are such a thoughtful girl … I mean boy.”

“It’s okay Mom, I’m not insulted. Let’s go clear this mess up.”

As we walked over, we could see her in the window. Mrs. Smith waved excitedly at us. We climbed the stairs this time to her front door. Before we knocked, she opened the door and greeted us. “How nice to see you again Samantha. This must be your mother. Nice to meet you. I am Stella Allen. Your name is Pamela. What a lovely name. I had an aunt named Pamela. My husband is upstairs sleeping. He works nights at the factory. Come in and sit down. I have to take care of the babies while we talk though. We have a family portrait session coming up in three hours and I have so much to do. Listen to me, all I do is talk. Anyway, Samantha, be a love and change Carol for me while I talk to your mom.”

“There’s a good girl. Your daughter is so helpful. You must be so proud of her. Pamela, I was so thrilled when your daughter came over yesterday. I was so worried that there would be no little girls I could count on to hire and help me. There seem to be only rough boys in this neighborhood and I don’t want boys around my girls looking at their private parts. You know what I mean. They are filled with nasty hormones. Not like us girls. We don’t get lust filled looking at a baby boy. No, not at all.”

Stella went on and on, and Mom could hardly get a word in. I sat next to mom, drew my feet up, and snuggled against her side. It felt wonderful to be under her wing. She put her arm around me without thinking about it. I was amused that Mom couldn’t fix the problem. I was secretly happy that I might be forced to be a girl.

“Oh Samantha, I really could use your help. I am willing to pay you $3.00 an hour. And all I really want is for you to watch them for an hour or so in the morning or in the evening so I can take a nap. We’ll work it out. Are you interested?”

I looked at my Mom for her to see if she would go for it now, but Mom looked exhausted from all the small talk. Mom had been trapped too. Mom sighed and said, “Stella, sure she can do it. I’ll have her come over before school or before dinner when she can. But, right now Cybil comes first. I know that you will be very happy with her helping you. She helps me around the house all the time cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. Just so you know, we got word yesterday that Cybil won’t last long.”

“I am so sorry to hear that. Samantha, dear, you are such a brave young lady. Your mother and father must be very proud of you. But I am very happy to know that your skills include cooking, cleaning, and laundry. I am impressed.”

“Yes, Mrs. Smith. I am looking forward to helping you and the triplets. I just love them. And, I couldn’t do any of this with Cybil without my parents’ love and support.”

As we left the house after some more profuse chattering, we got to the car and got in. Mom said, “I was exhausted just trying to listen to her. I thought she would never shut up. I am sorry I let out all of your talents but couldn’t bring up your real sex.”

“So, I guess I am stuck being Samantha outside the house?” I was thrilled, but I sounded disappointed.

“Yeah, until we can find a girl to replace you. Doug thinks the neighborhood will change over in the next two years. We talked about it last night. He thought this might happen to you. Jane is too busy to help. Do you mind?”

“It’s okay. I need those babies. I need to have some anchor to life. It will give me something to look forward to after Cybil ...” my voice trailed off and I fought back tears.

“Honey, if it too hard for you to help Cybil, you can call it off. Mrs. Allen will understand.”

“No mom. I have to see this through or else I will be running from difficult emotions and situations my whole life. Doug is right. He has been telling me that my empathy is my greatest strength and I should embrace it. And I mean to do just that.”

“It’s okay for a kid to run, you know. It is the adults who have to stay.”

“I know. But Doug is right too. And he knows I have you and Dad too. I can do it.”

“I love that young man. He has a big heart just like you.”

“I know Mom. I know. But it is Doug who has opened my heart to be like his. Not the other way around. I was depressed and selfish until he became my friend and showed me a better way to look at life.”

“I don’t know what we would do without him either.” Mom said. “So many times he has explained something we totally missed and didn’t understand.”

She went on to say, “Did you know that it was Doug who convinced me to turn of the television and for us to have nightly dinner conversations?”

“No. I hadn’t thought about it, but yes, that has been recent. I like how it frustrates Robert who always wants to watch sports.”

“Don’t tell Robert, but I feel the same way.” We giggled.

A few days later, after spending my time with Cybil, the customary knock came on the door. I turned expecting to see my Mom or Jane ready to take me home. I shouted, “Oh Daddy, you came to pick me up today.” I was so giddy that I ran up to him and threw my arms around him.

Mr. Allen rose to greet us. “That is quite a daughter you have there Mr. Miller!”

Dad hugged me back and couldn’t move. And my Dad didn’t care that I reacted totally like a girl when he came.

“My name’s Paul.”

“I’m Derek”

Mr. Allen came up and shook Dad’s hand because I was still hugging him with all my might.

“Daddy, I want you to meet Cybil. Cybil, this is my Daddy.” I beamed with pride.

“Nice to meet you Mr. Miller. Thank you for letting Samantha visit. She has made my days so happy.”

“It is my pleasure. I love my daughter very much and her heart. She is really Daddy’s girl!” He leaned down and kissed me on the head. I couldn’t get that smile off of my face, not that I wanted to remove it. I was with my Daddy. We spent about ten minutes chatting and poor Cybil feel asleep. We quietly said goodbye and went on our way.

I almost skipped out of the hospital holding my Dad’s hand. I was grateful that he let me hold his hand. I liked how strong and gentle it was. I felt so much like a special girl.

“Well, since you are my little girl for the moment, let’s go get some ice cream.”

My grin said it all.

We went to the Ice Cream Shoppe and I got a small fudge ripple. Dad got a huge scoop of chocolate. He had to wait on me to finish.

As we left, he put his arm around me like I was the most wonderful girl in the world. “Princess, I just want to tell you that you are beautiful. What you are doing for that precious little girl is the bravest and most noble thing I have ever seen.”

“Thank you Daddy. Thank you for letting me be Samantha for Cybil. I won’t always be your little girl after this, but right now I couldn’t think of anything else that I would rather be.”

“Me too.” Dad hugged me back.

On the way out of the Ice Cream Shoppe, I asked him about Mom’s birthday.

“Dad,” I want to do something special for Mom’s birthday.

“Sure, Sam, what are you thinking.”

“I’ve talked it over with Mrs. Duncan, and I am going to take a day off from Class and just do something for special for Mom.”

“Like what?”

“Make her breakfast in bed. And make a nice dress for her. Do you know a dress she would like to buy?”

“No. But, I have a suggestion instead.”

“What? Help her do a family photo album. She has been talking about doing one forever, but hasn’t had time to do one.”

A couple of doors down from where we were was a Hallmark store. So, we stopped in.

“Hello sir, can I help you?” a nice lady with reading spectacles looked out from the cash register as we entered.

“Yes, my daughter here wants to help her mom do a family photo album for her mom.”

“How many photos are we talking about?”

“Well, that part I know. The box we have has at least one hundred and fifty. Most are five by seven. We have some old black and white photos. Candid wedding photos taken by friends. The usual assortment.”

So, for the next few minutes, the nice lady and I found albums and pages to go with them. An assortment of stickers and other things to doll up the pages. And we left the shop.

Two days later, I woke up early. Dressed neutral per Doug’s suggestion, went downstairs to fix breakfast, and then upstairs to wake up my Mom with a breakfast tray with a birthday card I made. I ran downstairs and brought Dad a tray too. I cooked her eggs, buttered toast, bacon, and coffee. I also had made her cinnamon buns from scratch. And, fresh squeezed orange juice. She was impressed.

“And, Mom, after you are done. I will clean up the dishes. Then, I have the dining room table set up with your birthday present.”

“You mean I won’t be opening a present?”

“You’ll see.” I winked. “I am off to take a shower and get dressed as Samantha so Mrs. Smith doesn’t find out the truth. I’ll take the dishes and trays down. Mom, you will know what we will be doing this morning when you get downstairs.”

After I stepped out of the shower and was drying off, I heard my Mom shout upstairs, “Sam?”

I opened the door, “Yes Mom?”

“Thank you for such a wonderful gift! Hurry up, I can’t wait to do this with you. Your Dad says he will do the dishes for us. So, just come on down!”

Jane poked her head out the door. “What did you get Mom for her birthday?”

“Go on down and see. I bet you will want to join us!” I beamed as I headed into my room with nothing on but a towel.

“You know, Sam, from this angle, I could swear you are developing a slight figure. Maybe it is just because you are playing Samantha so much this summer.”

I got dressed as Samantha, combed my hair out, and headed downstairs. I wore some cute shorts and one of the t-shirts that mom got me and my pink tennis shoes. Jane and Mom were already at work. They were sorting photos by years and by the event that year. I could tell that Dad’s suggestion was spot on.

“Sam, this was such a thoughtful gift! How did you know?”

“Dad. He told me all about you wanting to do a photo album. How can I help?”

“Well, here are some post it notes. Go through each stack we have been creating and write down the people in the photo. If you don’t know them, ask me.”

I started working the first stack. There were photos of Mom as a young girl with a friend. I wrote her name down and asked her who the friend was and what year the photo was taken. As I wrote down the information, Jane looked over and commented “Sam, when did your handwriting improve. You write so nicely now.”

I answered. “Oh, Doug got on my case one day. He said if I was going to be a lawyer, my handwriting was fine. But, he didn’t care what the popular myth was, I needed to write well so I could avoid law suits if I became a doctor. So, he insisted we both work on our handwriting. I liked that he worked on his too to show me it mattered.”

Dad said, “Well, it shows. I have been admiring your handwriting over the last year Sam. I just thought they were teaching you how to write better in school.”

Mom giggled, “So you all think it was Doug, huh?”

“It wasn’t?” I said perplexed.

“I was telling Doug he needed to improve his hand writing after he left us a note one day about where you two were going. He hung his head down and said in the cutest way, ‘Yes Mom.’ Sometimes, Doug needs a little mothering too Sam. And he takes it so well too.”

After two hours, I was happy with the progress we were making. “It is sad that I can’t share this with Cybil. Obviously, there are no photos of me as a little girl that I can share with her.”

“Well, there is one.” Mom said.

“What?”

“Oh yes, you were around two years old. Jane decided that she was going to dress you up with her girlfriends. She did your nails and hair. Your hair wasn’t long. But it did look like girl’s hair because she put a bow in it. Here, let me look for that photo.”

Mom shuffled through the photo box and found it. I looked cute. I had an old dress on that my sister had worn years earlier. Jane said they found it in her closet. I had on lipstick and they had over done my eyes. The had done my nails too.

Jane remarked, “Yeah, Mom, I remember that. Sam walked up to you and said, ‘Look at me Mom, I am a girl now!’ Robert was such a jerk too. After you took the photo he made such a huge stink. Then Grandma came in and yanked Sam by the hand to get him into the bathroom so she could remove all the makeup and girl stuff off of him because she thought it was wrong too. Sam cried all night and kept asking Grandma what he had done wrong. Grandpa just laughed it off. He told Grandma it really didn’t matter and just to leave the boy alone. I think it was the cancer talking. She was pretty ill at that point. The medication made her pretty irritable.”

I thought to myself that this is when I must have decided to keep the secret to myself. I tried not to cry, but a tear rolled down my face. I dried it up before anyone noticed. I covered myself just in case by asking if I could show the photo to Cybil.

Later, we picked up Doug at the school and headed to the hospital. After she dropped me off, I showed the photo to Doug.

“So, you think this is where your trauma started? I think you are right. Well, good then. We have a point in time that you knew you were a girl, expressed it, and felt rejected. We’ll have a sleep over soon to discuss it.”

“Yeah, I said. And, I have something to share with Cybil now from my past.” I clutched the photo as though it was my ticket to being a woman at last.

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner (revised March 2017)