Chapter 7 – My Girlhood Sylibis

The summer before 7th grade, I signed up Shakespeare summer class again. I didn’t need the credit. I took it anyway. I told Mrs. Duncan that I enjoyed it so much that I couldn’t stay away. Doug was allowed to direct instead of just assist. And, I was almost always a girl during rehearsals, in plays, and at the nursing home. Everyone didn’t even notice or care.

The first week was about rehearsals and setting up for doing skits. Mrs. Duncan was so inspired by the performances at the nursing home we did the year before, that she added several other venues for us to perform. They included day cares, malls, and the Children’s Hospital.

I did everyone’s costume and I was able to be just a girl more and more in the presence of my family of fellow actors. I just didn’t want it to end.

The first day, the girls said they wanted to go eat nearby. But, I was already dressed as a girl and didn’t want to change and change again. They all said I looked fine, and no one would know I was a boy if I went with them. So feigning reluctance I agreed. Then came another day. And another. By Thursday, it was normal for me to be seen with them dressed as a girl at the food court in the mall. At the end of the week, we had extra time because of an electrical problem, and they took me into the mall and we all went window shopping. It felt normal and natural. We passed by a photo store where they were offering a deal for a family portrait. I remembered that our parent’s anniversary was coming up and that Robert would be around in August. Getting them a gift certificate would be a nice gesture. I arranged to buy one and then give it to them for their anniversary in a week
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The next Monday, I was playing Beatrice and George Duvall was playing Benedict in a scene from Much Ado About Nothing. Our audience was a group of patients at the Children’s Hospital. They were all in a circle of chairs and wheel chairs flanked by hospital staff and family. One patient stood out. She was in the back in her hospital bed. It had been wheeled into the room where we did the performance. It was occupied by a bald headed girl. The only way I knew she was a girl was the pink gown she had on and her ear rings. She had IVs and electronic equipment attached to the bed.

She smiled during the performance and inspired me to do my best. George and I bantered and played our parts well. The boys and girls laughed as we teased each other and called each other names. The language had been altered a little so that children could follow the insults as they flowed betwixt Benedict and Beatrice. Then we sat down as the next group in our troop did their performance.

After our performances were complete, I approached the girl in the bed and said, “Hi, I’m Sam. What is your name?”

“Cybil.” She spoke softly but clearly. “I’m six years old and I’m on chemo. I am too tired to get out of bed, so they wheeled me in here. I loved your performance Samantha. I would love to be an actress.”

“Well, this is just fun for me. I want to be a doctor or a lawyer when I grow up.”

“How old are you?”

“Eleven. I am going into seventh grade this year.” I giggled and smiled. She could tell I was excited about school.

“You are so beautiful Samantha. I love your hair and your dress. I wish I could wear a dress here in the hospital. But, they won’t let me.”

“Thank you for saying I am beautiful. But I think you are beautiful too. And I wish I could make you a dress for you too. I made this dress that you like so much.” I slowly turned around to let her see.

The nurse tending her spoke to me, “She has to wear a hospital gown that gives us access to her while she is on chemo. But there are patterns that we have that can make it look like her gown is a dress.”

It was obvious what the nurse wanted for the little girl and I got the hint.

“Would you like me to make you a dress for you to wear in your hospital bed, Cybil?”

“Oh yes, please! Would you do that for me Samantha? I really want to look pretty like I did before this cancer robbed me of my hair.”

“Of course, I would love to do that.”

“And would you come and visit me too. Could you teach me to do make up and my nails? I don’t have a sister and my mom and dad work hard to pay my bills, so my mom doesn’t have time to teach me.”

“I don’t know if I can do that. But I will see what I can do.”

She looked crushed. “Why?”

“Well, I am only eleven. I will have to ask my sister Jane or my mom if one of them can drive me over here. And I have to get permission from the hospital and your parents too. I may be older than you, but I have to be obedient to adults too. But, I promise to see what I can do.” I was thinking only about how to let her down easy. She looked too frail to say no and crush her spirits.

The nurse patted me on the arm and whispered in my ear that it would be arranged if I wanted to do it.

“Can you get me the pattern for the gown please nurse?”

“It’s Janice. And thank you so much for helping. I will get it for you.”

“How tall are you Cybil, do you know?”

“No.”

I asked the nurse if she knew. “Three foot five.” said Nurse Janice who returned from the nursing station nearby with a piece of paper. It described how to make a gown look like a dress. I looked at it briefly just in case I had any questions. I quickly perceived that it attached to the hospital gown and gave the illusion of being a dress. It was more like a blanket with ties that attached to her hospital gown than a real dress.

“Tomorrow or Saturday. I will get it over here and, if I can, I will bring it personally.”

“Oh thank you Samantha. You are my new best girlfriend.”

“I have to go now Cybil, it was a pleasure to meet you. I hope I can see you tomorrow.” My thought was that I would drop it off and leave without seeing her.

The nurse walked back with me to my troop. We walked slowly so we could chat.

“I can’t betray a patient confidence by law, so I hope you take the hint, but that little girl is very sick and might not be staying here much longer if you catch my meaning. Let’s just say that the first day of school may never come for her. But you didn’t hear that from me. Please, she was so happy to have you. I am sure her parents will say yes. Please consider coming to visit her too. She is so lonely and scared.” She brushed tear from her cheeks.

Mrs. Duncan came up to me and said, “It’s time to go Samuel. The bus is waiting to take us back to the school.”

The nurse looked shocked. Mrs. Duncan quickly apprehended why and said, “Like in Shakespearian times, we allow our very young boy students to play girls. We use their performances to teach about Shakespeare’s time too. But, we didn’t do that here. We wanted to entertain, not to teach. I’m sorry you didn’t realize that Sam was a boy.”

“Oh my, Cybil will be so disappointed. She thought she found a girlfriend with whom she could spend girl time. I will try and let her down easy.”

My heart sank. I was just being selfish braggart showing off my skills. I knew it. Cybil touched me. She needed me. And I was being a jerk about it. “No, wait. Don’t tell her. If I got the hint correctly from you, she isn’t going to be much longer with us. I can’t shatter her final days. I think I can be her girlfriend just as I am Beatrice right now. I just need to find a way of getting here and back home. I also need to clear it with my parents and her parents.”

Doug walked up at that moment. Mrs. Duncan said, “I would take you after class but you know I can’t drive a kid all alone to the hospital after class. School policy.”

“What if you have two people? I could come too.” asked Doug.

“Oh, yes, I could do it that way.”

“Well, that is one way. I think I can get my sister and mom to help too if I ask them. Here is what I think I can do right now. I will go home and make the dress for Cybil. Tomorrow, I can either say yes or no to coming for future visits. You can get approval by her parents for me to visit set up. And I can get permission from my parents to visit too.”

Mrs. Duncan said, “That is a very sensible plan. Honesty is the best policy.”

The nurse agreed and said that she would let me work on it before saying anything.

After looking at the dress pattern when we got back to the school, Mrs. Duncan gave me some fabric from the school to help make the girl a dress before catching a ride home. I went to work when I got home and had it done long before dinner. I added lace and details that made it look more and more like the dress she saw me in. Then I sat and considered how to bring it up to my parents.

That night at the dinner table, I announced, “I have a problem. And I need some advice from everyone here. Doug already knows what it is.”

Dad asked, “Is it a serious problem son?”

“Not for me, but for a little girl in the hospital with cancer who has months to live.” I went on to explain the dilemma and what happened at the hospital.

“Why didn’t you correct her when she said Samantha?” asked Jane.

“I don’t know. Part of me enjoyed hearing that I was easily mistaken for a girl which was a compliment to my acting. I also think she looked so frail I was afraid of wasting what little energy she has left to try to understand. Don’t think I didn’t kick myself after Nurse Janice told me what was happening. I wasn’t happy to find that my vainity at being on stage for her was more important than she was when I was told how sick she was.” I proffered.

I continued with what I thought was important. “Here is what I do know. I made a connection with a nice little girl who doesn’t have much longer to live. And I don’t want to let her down. She has a narrow window to get some joy out of life and I don’t want to be an instrument of stealing any precious moments away from her. I don’t want to lie to her. And I want to give her something that will make life worth living, which is friendship. And I am torn. What should I do?”

I wanted to scream to them, I am a girl. But, in the back of my mind, I knew that by asking these questions, I would be finding out my family’s feeling about my true identity if I were to reveal it. This would give them a chance to process it. And, until I got Doug’s advice as my counselor, I felt I would keep that off the table for the moment and play it as though I were really a boy in a boy’s body.

“So, is your offer of real friendship or just going to be an act?” asked my Mom.

“No act. It is genuine friendship. I really like her. She was very sweet. I realize that my being there for her is more important than my pride.”

“Is anything you are doing harming her if she gets better?” asked my dad.

“Not really. Only that when I told her the truth I would surprise her in that I can both take her to the prom when she gets older and also make her a stunning dress for the prom too.”

Jane quipped, “I think that could be the best pick up line I have ever heard. Pity I can’t tell my friends.”

I grinned. It was a funny pick up line, although I knew I would never use it.

Jane then lowered her voice pretending to be a guy and said, “Hi Cybil, if you go with me to the prom, I’ll make you a stunning prom dress from scratch too.” The table howled with laughter.

Mom reflected for a moment and then asked one last question which seemed to make the most sense. “Son, do you hate your dad and I because of Santa Claus?”

“No,” I couldn’t help but grin, “of course not. It made Christmas the most wonderful time of the year. It gave me precious memories too of Grandpa who loved watching us open presents from Santa.”

My Dad pronounced, “Then I think the decision has been made. There is no real harm in you doing this. And, if she gets better, just tell her you were her gift from Santa Claus.”

Mom said, “But I do have one recommendation.”

“What would that be Mom?”

“I think you need to treat this seriously. Cybil deserves you walking into that room all hers. I want you go to your class dressed as Samantha every day. That way, Jane and I can help you get ready in the morning. You can’t treat this simply as an act for a few hours. I know Mrs. Duncan will allow it. Then, after your class, you and Doug can be dropped off by Mrs. Duncan at the hospital and you will have more time to spend more time with Cybil. Also, In the event her condition worsens, you will be able to go to her right away without needing to change. Either Jane, your dad, or I can pick you up.” I was stunned.

I thought about it for a moment. “Yes, I can see you are right. If I do It your way, I won’t be walking into the room with a hint of pride showing. Thank you Mom. In that case, I’ll have to make a few outfits for it to work. But yeah, quite doable. I haven’t donated Jackie’s outfit to a charity yet. I forgot Sis. I could wear that one tomorrow. And, on the way home we could get me some more fabric. I think just three outfits is all I will need. I can do some mix and match off of that.”

“How about Doug?” I looked at him.

“Actually, it will work for me too. The Children’s Hospital is part of the university. I can walk over to my parents’ office and spend some time with them helping them with their research, so it is not a problem.”

The next day, I ate breakfast with the family and ran upstairs to become Samantha. This was Doug’s suggestion. That I eat as Sam first. Everything was the same as before except when I went out I was dressed as a girl and I carried a purse. When I arrived in class, I told Mrs. Duncan why I was dressed as I was and she nodded approvingly. “Your mother is right. You can’t at your age just simply turn and turn off your performance. You have to be natural when you walk in that door.”

A moment later, Mrs. Duncan stood up and address the classroom.

“Class, class, may I have your attention.” The class sat quietly. “Yesterday, at the hospital, a young girl with advanced cancer formed a friendship with Sam here. She didn’t know about Sam’s reenactor role. She thought Sam was really a girl. She wants him to come see her every day and he has agreed. But, she doesn’t know Sam is a boy. So, for the next few weeks, Sam has asked to be Samantha for this little girls last days. No one is to make fun of him. It is a noble thing he is doing.”

She went on to add, “I think you all saw the poor child in the bed yesterday. It is sweet and wonderful for Sam to do this. And I want you to support Sam’s and Samantha’s gift to this poor sick child.”

Everyone applauded. I curtseyed and bowed. My cover was established. For the foreseeable future, I was a girl.

That afternoon, I showed up at Nurse Janice’s station. Nurse Janice knew the moment she saw me in a dress the good news. Nurse Janice beamed ear to ear. “You have no idea how much this will mean to Cybil. Her mother said yes. Here, let me take you to her room.” I was guided along the corridor to her room. The walls were painted with cartoon characters and icons of my childhood. Teddy bears had tea with dragoons. Humming birds dance among flowers. And bees were making honey. Nurse Janice opened the door to Cybil’s room. It was across from nurse’s station so she would be under constant observation.

Once in her room, Nurse Janet woke her up. “Cybil, Cybil, there is someone here to see you.” Cybil arose from her slumber.

“Samantha, you came!”

“How could I not come and see my bestest girlfriend in the whole wide world!” I went up and gave her air kisses on the cheeks. We giggled and made small talk. Nurse Janice was thrilled.

I then unfolded my surprise for everyone to see. “Nurse Janice, can you put this lovely dress on my best girl friend?”

After showing it to Cybil, Nurse Janice put it on her while I got a drink of water and came back. At that moment, Cybil’s mom came through the door. “Hello, you must be Samantha! I am Mrs. Allen, Cybil’s mom. Thank you so much for doing this for Cybil.” She came up and kissed me on the cheeks and I responded in kind.

“My pleasure. This isn’t too unusual for me. I volunteer at the Manchester Nursing Home and spend time there with the residents.”

“Nurse Janice has told me about your special role. In fact, I just talked to your teacher Mrs. Duncan a few minutes ago and she told me what a special young lady you are and who you really were on the inside. That really changed my opinion about all this. She also mentioned how much time you spend at the nursing home. I love that. I just want to know that you are okay with being here and not embarrassed by being asked to do this.”

“Oh no, last night I discussed it with my parents and they said I would be like Santa Claus to Cybil. A real gift to a special child.”

“Good. Because I am very grateful that my Cybil will have a friend visiting her.”

I was amazed at the way we were able to speak in code in front of Cybil without her knowing the truth. Her mother just told me that she knows I am a boy. And I told her that I was happy going along with being a girl for Cybil’s sake.

She leaned over and said in my ear, “The only thing I ask that the door be open all the time so the nurses see you. Okay.” I whispered in her ear, “That is a reasonable request.”

“Mommy, look at the dress Samantha made for me!” I looked at the dress which was nothing more than a cover. A falsehood. Yet, how it looked changed in my eyes when I saw what it did for her. While it was a plain and simple illusion, it became a symbol of something deeper. The clothes I was wearing were a symbol of what I wanted to be for real and what I was inside. Cybil’s dress was a symbol of being well and not a resident of this place fighting for her life. It was her freedom to express herself. My heart ached to be totally free to express itself to the world. In a very real sense Cybil was freeing me as much as I was freeing her. What a blessing she had become to me.

Her mother looked over the dress and her jaw dropped. She looked back at me with tears in her eyes. “You did this? Overnight? It is incredible! So pretty and it picks up Cybil’s eyes too. Thank you!”

Cybil said proudly of her new friend, “Yes Mommy, and she probably made the dress she is wearing too.”

“You did?”

I twirled to let her see. “Yes, for a situation not unlike Cybil’s here where I had to make a special appearance to help someone who asked for my help.” I stretched the truth a little. I couldn’t see how this compared to getting taken to lunch as Jackie at the Olive Garden. Mrs. Allen looked intrigued.

“Well, I have to go back to work, but I am very pleased that you can spend time with her. It really means a lot to me. Her dad works on oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico and can’t be here yet. And I am all she has at the moment, but if we don’t work, she doesn’t get better.”

“I think I understand. I have helped quite a few cancer patients over the last several years. I know how important this is and I promise to be the best girlfriend I can be to Cybil.”

Before she left, Dr. Ryland knocked on the door. “Mrs. Allen.” He said.

“Dr. Ryland, what a surprise. Why are you here?” She looked worried and it appeared in the tone of her voice too.

“I just wanted to stop by and see you and tell you that I know Samantha here personally. She lives across the street from me. She is a marvelous young lady.”

Mrs. Allen looked at me with new found admiration.

“Can I talk with you both outside for a minute, please?”

Mrs. Allen and I walked out in the corridor with Dr. Ryland.

“Mrs. Allen,” Dr. Ryland said, “I know Sam personally. He is the best friend of my son Doug. You couldn’t have a kinder gentler person than Sam in your daughter’s life. And because of that, Doug suggested to me that I get your permission to update Sam on her condition if needs be. And, if you don’t mind, be able to bring him to the hospital after hours if I need someone to comfort her.”

Mrs. Allen looked at me and said, “You would do that?”

I nodded yes. A tear flowing down my cheek confirmed my sincerity.

“Mrs. Allen, I have watched this young man go into the nursing home he volunteers at and comfort many of my patients. And when he did a performance as a young lady there recently in a Shakespeare play, he stayed in character as a girl so my patients didn’t lose their bearings. Normally, I don’t think eleven-year-old boys or girls have the maturity to handle anyone with the commitment needed to follow through. But this young man does and has experience too. The fact that he is willing to play the part of girl and be her friend is the best medicine I could proscribe for her.”

He looked at his watch, “I have to go now. But I thought you should have my medical opinion about Sam being Samantha.”

“Thank you Dr. Ryland.” We walked back into Cybil’s room.

As we walked back into the room, Cybil’s mom looked me over for a second and said, “You really are a beautiful young lady. Such poise and grace too. And a beautiful heart. It is hard to believe …” she caught herself from revealing who I really was “… that Cybil couldn’t have found any better friend in the whole wide world.”

“Thank you. And I really appreciate you letting me do this for Cybil. And, as you heard, it is the kind of thing I have done before and have found very rewarding. But more than that, I promise to do my best and be a good friend to her.”

Cybil and I spent the day talking about what she would like to do on my next visit. We’re going to do makeup. She is going to brush my hair. She is going to teach me how to do Cat’s Cradle soon. And, we are going to play house. And so much more.

About Five O’Clock, I heard a knock on the door. It was my mother. “Hi Samantha! Is this Cybil?”

“Hi Mom. Yes, it is!”

“Hi Mrs …”

“Mrs. Miller. I am Samantha’s mom. Oh what a pretty dress. And what a pretty girl.”

“Not as pretty as your Samantha!” I blushed.

Mom looked at me for a moment a bit amused and said, “Yes, she is pretty.”

“I will see you tomorrow Cybil, what would you like to do?” I asked.

“Make up. I want to learn make up and nails.”

“We will see, okay? Good night. Love you.” I gave her a hug and air kisses.

“Love you too!”

As we were leaving, Mom said, “You are a puzzle to me sometimes Sam. Every time I think I know you, you show me a wonderful side I have never seen before. And yes, you do make a pretty girl. And one day, I hope you make a handsome boy too. But right now, your job is to be the best girlfriend that girl has ever had.” She gave me a squeeze.

“It is all thanks to Doug. I think he has done wonders for all of us.” I deflected.

“You know; I think you are right.”

Mom and I drove to the fabric store where I grabbed a few yards of different fabrics, zippers, buttons, patterns and threads. I had a few outfits to make tonight so I could be ready for tomorrow. We stopped next door to the store and we bought panties and stockings in my size. Mom bought a few training bras too so I would look a little older.

Then we visited the consignment store and found about four pairs of shoes for me.

While at the consignment store, I said, “Mom, can you get or show me a few outfits here that you think Jane would have worn around Cybil at my age. Or what you think I should wear around Cybil. I want to put on the best performance I can for her. I don’t care if it is girly. This is for Cybil, not me.”

“You sure Sam? You might get teased.”

“If I do, I will just remember that is for a girl with cancer. I can live it down. She may not have the time for me to get it right unless you help me.” My eyes pleaded with her and won.

“Good point. Okay, as long as you know it is girly.” So, my Mom also got me a few more clothes. A couple of skirts, a denim jumper, a couple of nice t-shirts, socks and shorts, and some sweaters. She also grabbed an unused makeup kit for six year olds. “Here,” she said, “you can play with this tomorrow. It will take the pressure off of you.” Then she grabbed teenage make up kit snickering, “Here, this will take the pressure off of Jane and me in the morning.”

I had no time to change when we got home. I helped Mom in the kitchen. At dinner, we talked about my time with Cybil. What Dr. Ryland said. Doug said he was thrilled to be able to spend time with his parents, and yes, he prompted his dad to come over and say those nice things. I rushed through dinner and got to work on my clothes. I was thrilled. Normally, I hid my clothes. But these were special clothes. Doug sat and talked to my parents.

Later, Doug came in and watched me. It was just us. He came up and said in my ear, “I love it when a plan comes together.” Then we chatted for a while. It came time for him to leave. I was so busy making clothes, I still hadn’t had time to get out of my Samantha clothes yet. So, instead of high fiving as we often did when we were in my house around family, I found myself hugging him and stood on my toes as he leaned down so I could give him a kiss on the cheek thanking him for his help. It was then that I noticed how I felt. I had never kissed a guy as a girl before and it felt, well, very nice. Doug grinned as he saw my reaction to what I just did. “I am going to go home now. See you tomorrow.”

I felt self-conscious and blushed. “Umm—yeah. Sorry about that.” I giggled.

“As he closed the front door, he whispered, “It’s I okay, I liked it too.”

By midnight, I had a nice section of my closet with Samantha clothes and a drawer in my dresser for my panties and socks.

And it was out in the open. For the moment, it felt good.

I slept like a bear and woke with a spring in my step.

Copyright © 2017 by AuP reviner (revised March 2017)