CHAPTER 41
Susie gave me a little tug on the arm and nodded towards a dumpy woman sitting alone at a table and reading the Daily Express, which said a lot. Susie obviously felt me twitch, caught my look and whispered in my ear.

“She says she gets it for the crossword…”

Of course she did, and not for its broad and tolerant views. I took a little while to remember another time in Betty’s, with Mr Dobbs and both Dads, friends and family who had stood by me even when I had tried to wall them out with the glass and the bottle. I almost felt Bob at my shoulder: wake up and do your job, Ginge.

“Mrs Lockwood?”

She looked up, clearly nervous, her eyes flitting between me and Susie.

“I’m Gerald Barker. Can we sit down?”

She nodded, and I could read her mind: clearly too old to be some sort of pervert or sex maniac. I pulled a chair out for Susie, being a gent, and her Mam’s eyes widened just a bit before I settled myself gratefully into my own seat.

“Have you ordered?”

“Er, no, just had a cuppa while I waited, didn’t know how long you’d be, like”

“Well, we’ve not had tea, so if you don’t mind we’ll have something hot. I were going to have an omelette and some chips, and for once Susie will let me have them”

I looked over to a nervous young woman as her mother’s face moved in an odd manner. “Says she has to get us diet right, less fat, less salt. Well, Jerry couldn’t kill me, and he had a bloody—sorry, a good go at it, so I don’t think a bit of salt will do what Adolf couldn’t”

I realised I was gushing, talking rubbish to fill the empty space. Calm down, lad.

“Right. Mrs Lockwood, this is my bookkeeper Susie Lockwood. I’m Gerald Barker, Dobbs and Barker, like. Gerald”

I held out my hand, and she took it by reflex. “Valerie. Gerald…”

She paused, then in a very quiet voice, and looking at the table, “Susie…”

I looked up. “Ey up, love. I’ll have cheese omelette, chips, and peas if you have them. Oh, and pot of tea. Susie? Valerie?”

Salads, both, and while Valerie had another pot of tea, Susie ordered something with coffee in it. The waitress left us alone, and Valerie gave me a much harder look, showing me something of her daughter’s spirit.

“Why were you in river, Gerald?”

“Straight to point, Valerie. I can see where this lass gets her spirit from”

Another twitch.

“Well, I were at Regimental Dinner that evening, and lads were, well, a bit too free with gin, and, well, lass said it herself, though not in words I would use. Why were I down by river when I’d had a few and, well, aye”

Susie reached under the table and patted my knee. “Aye, Mam, he had a bit of a smell on his breath, I think I sort of commented on it”

I made myself laugh. “Aye, and on how cold water were, besides! Not time of year for swimming”

Valerie just held up her hand, ‘stop’. “Enough. This is not why we’re here. Darren—“

“Mam!”

The older woman sighed, shook her head. “Susie, then. That better?”

My girl just looked at her mother and nodded, saying “Thank you” in the quietest of voices.

“Susie. OK. Fine. Why… why didn’t you talk to me if you felt this bad?”

My turn to calm her down, hand on her forearm as her spikey defences sprang up.

“No, Susie. Shush. Valerie, Mrs Lockwood, not helpful. No, I’m talking this time. Please?”

She looked away, but nodded, and I continued. “Isn’t that why we’re here? Because the two of you didn’t, couldn’t talk? Valerie, happen this young lady were dealt a pretty rubbish hand when she were born. I don’t mean you and her Dad, aye?”

“Her Dad’s gone, ran off to Spain with some whore from the brewery he worked at. That’ll be why… she’s gone like this”

I waved Susie back to silence once more. “Not like that, Valerie, this transsexualism stuff. Lass has given me stuff to read. Not the parents, not at all. Now, think on. We both know what she were doing at river, and if you think a bit you’ll know why, an’ all”

Sometimes there are indeed times when minds can be read, and this was another of those. Valerie’s eyes widened.

“Oh dear Lord, you as well? In river? Why?”

Susie finally spoke, her voice quiet. “Dead mates, Mam. Nightmares. Gerald… Gerald were at one of those places, you know, with the ovens and the gas”

I sighed. “No gas, love. But, well, there were a smell. I…”

Why was I bloody crying, now of all times, of all places to do it? They both fussed over me, and there was one of those moments where Valerie went for some paper hankies from her handbag and saw that Susie was already pulling some out of her own, and there were three of us in tears at that point, the waitress all concern and furrowed brow. It was Valerie who answered.

“Sorry, love, just family stuff, bereavement like. Still a bit, well, raw like. We’ll be fine; just catches up with you now and again”

Are you sure, yes we’re sure, and off she went to return thirty seconds later with our order and rather more paper napkins than was normal. Valerie poured her tea, looking firmly at her cup.

“Happen I were telling no lies then, Gerald. Bereavement, aye? I’ve lost my son, haven’t I?”

I shook my head. “Not quite, Valerie. Shush, lass. Look, you can’t lose what you never had, can you, so this is all gain. Which of you were it that wanted son? Her Dad?”

She actually laughed at that one, and suddenly it was genuine, almost happy. “Aye, men are always the same, aye? Want a lad to kick balls with, take down pub when they’re older, do all the stuff they think they did when they were lads but, well, never really did. Sort of good old days that never were”

Sort of exactly what your favourite newspaper talks about, I thought, but I didn’t put that into words.

“Look, here we all are. Chance to put things right. So both of us, well, we’d had enough, that’s past, that’s over. Time to start sorting mess out, and first thing is saying hello properly to your daughter. She’s got a promise to you. Well, it were a promise to me, but never mind”

Susie snorted. “Mam, it were a promise from both of us, to both of us. Never again. I talked some sense into this old fool, or I think I did. I hope I did. And he showed me another way of looking at world, seeing it’s not so bad, and, well, stuff. Now, eat, and no more about this for now, OK?”

We busied ourselves with the food, which wasn’t bad, and prattled on about how work was at the boatyard, practical jokes by the lads (which I made a mental note to watch out for), general gossip meaningless to most of the world. She wiped her lips once done and then pushed her chair back to stand up.

“Mam, will you come here please?”

Valerie stood up in turn, trembling, and Susie just opened her arms, and we used up most of the paper napkins. They were there a while, the waitress, unbidden, bringing another pot of tea and giving a squeeze to my shoulder and raising her eyebrows.

“Ah, love, happen I think they’ll be fine”

They wound down after a bit, but when they sat down again, chairs were moved so that hands could be held. Valerie was absolutely flat.

“I’ve been a complete cow, haven’t I, love?”

Susie fought back another wave of tears. "No, Mam, you haven’t. Not completely; I mean, you’re here, aren’t you?”

Valerie barked a short laugh. “How did you two get here?”

“Bus, Mam”

“Well, happen I’ve brought the car. Could I, please, could I just see where you work? Make it real for me? I’ll drop you back at Gerald’s after”

I started to laugh at that one. “Checking she’s done ironing and hoovering properly, aye?”

That brought laughter from all of us, and we supped and settled up before starting the drive out to Acaster and the yard. Valerie was silent throughout the drive, apart from responding to my directions, but she was definitely impressed by Susie’s little kingdom.

“You do all of this? But you were just—“

“A shelf-stacker, Mam? Happen I was, but that’s how folk like me get treated. Out of sight, out of mind, out of bloody work when they can get away with it”

“Who’s they?”

“The whole world, feels like. Got all these laws in to protect the coloureds, and real women, but us they can do what they like with”

Valerie’s voice was so gentle at that I nearly fell to crying again.

“You’re not a real woman then, Susie?”

The girl’s face screwed up, mouth twisted, fists clenched as her gaze went all over the office. “Not in their eyes, Mam, not in the bloody law’s. They can do what they fucking well like to me! Sorry. Sorry, Gerald”

She worked her mouth a couple of times. “Thank you, Mam. Thank you, if you meant what I hope you did”

Valerie stepped forward once more to hold her daughter, this time as if she would never let her go.

“Come on, love. Time to get you home. That’s what Gerald’s place is now, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Mam”

“Well, doesn’t stop other place being home as well. I’ve been stupid. Stops today. Will I be… will I be welcome at your home?”

There was nothing else for it, and I sealed the compact with my own hug.