CHAPTER 73
I ended up walking past my car, my mind elsewhere. As Susie would put it, I was on autopilot. I had wondered, I had worried, but even with Andy’s nagging I had managed to put it to the back of my mind. Once again, I thought of Susie’s turn of phrase: I had been in that African river, de Nile.

Stupid, stupid man, covering my fear with silly jokes. I had torn a promise from the doctor not to speak to anyone else at the surgery, not to send any correspondence through her office, for I knew who would see it and to whom she would immediately pass it on. I had duties to perform, and I wanted them to be happy ones. I hesitated for a few minutes, standing outside the car, but in the end I put away my mobile phone and left Matthew’s number undialed. I had more important things to do, getting Darren settled into his new role being one. There was no question as to my will, which would be a simple one. I had nobody left in my life apart from the girl who had dragged me wet and shaking from a February river. The boys were the boys, comrades all, but they were all of an age with me, and they would no doubt soon be on my path. There was room…

That shook me. There was room, had been my thought, with Tricia and my other two loves, and it was with open heart and soul that I realised, deeply and clearly, that Bob had indeed loved me, as I had loved him. Not in the same way, but just as deeply.

Fuck. That was the word, drawn from Bob’s vocabulary, and it fitted. All of the wonderful developments that were making my life better by proxy, all those things going so well for my friends, I was not to see. There were two Peters to see married, old friends on the other side of the world to visit, comrades to march with each November—all of that would be lost.

No, Ginge: brave face. Leave their lives unruffled for as long as you can. Your last act of courage, only outdone by the strength it had taken to ask my sweet lady for her hand in marriage.

Maudlin old fool. I took out my phone again, and the boy answered on the third ring.

“What can I do you for, Gerald? At work just now”

“Ah, son, just wondered what you are doing about wedding”

That word: it felt right.

“Well, were going to see when registry office is free”

“Registry office, son? Look, been talking with the other lads, the Officers and that, and we’re looking at a proper do. Spring for a dress, reception, so on. Just need right church”

“Really? REALLY? We can’t take that from you!”

“Who pulled me out of Ouse, son?”

“Gerald… You’re not going to take a refusal, are you?”

“No, not at all”

“Well… Look. Had us eye on St Paul’s, over Holgate Road, or perhaps St Mary’s. up at Tadcaster. Not had chance to talk with vicar, like. Not thought of doing it so soon”

“Leave it with me. I’ll stop by, see what they say”

I hung up before he could argue, and this time I did ring Matthew.

“Dear boy! Is a star of the small screen actually deigning to talk to a lesser mortal?”

“Oh give over, you daft so and so. Look, I’ve sort of made a promise on your behalf, so wanted to make sure I didn’t stuff up”

“What have you promised, my friend?”

I outlined the wedding plans, and he was silent for nearly a minute. I could hear him breathing, so I knew he was still there, but he said nothing at all until very quietly speaking my name.

“Aye?”

“What exactly did the doctor tell you, my friend?”

“Ah, nowt much. Just cut down on the Sunday roasts and that”

“Dear boy, please do me the courtesy of not lying to one who loves you as a brother. What did the MO say?”

“Er… Matthew. It’s not that good, but I’ll get over it, she says”

“Gerald. Please”

I kept my own peace for a little while, but in the end I told all, and to my horror I heard a sob from the other end. H breathed heavily for a little while, recovering his control, and then said, quite simply, “Julian? Charles?”

“Matthew, dear friend, comrade, brother, aye? What she says, well, I don’t think there’s any room for wriggling about with this. It’s there, it’s nasty, it can’t be argued with. Doc says there is only a slender hope, and we’ll see about that next week. I’m due another scan”

“Have you told Rodney?”

“Ah, that’s the thing, Matthew. I didn’t really want to tell anyone”

“Give the young ones a good wedding? No ghosts at the feast? Yes… You have always been the most honourable of men, Gerald Barker, the most generous of spirit. Would you like me to inform Rodney for you?”

“I didn’t really---“

“He must know, Gerald. We all owe him that. We are comrades, my friend, brothers in arms. We do not fight alone, ever. Now, you have a church to visit”

He hung up, quickly, but not before I heard the rattle of a glass and decanter.

St Mary’s was a stunning place, right by the river, and I wondered how dry it kept. I walked in through the side door, whatever they called it, and stood for a while in the cool of the limestone walls, drinking in the peace held there.

“We have a guide to the church, just a pound”

A chubby woman in her forties was holding out a photocopied pamphlet to me.

“Er, aye. Here’s a fiver, put it in tin or whatever. Could you tell me if vicar’s about?”

“I could, and they are about, and it’s me. Ruth Harding”

“Oh sorry, love. Er, Reverend”

She smiled, and it reached her eyes in a nice way.

“I’ve seen you somewhere before”

“Oh, sorry. No manners. Gerald Barker. I’ve got boat yard down by Acaster”

“Ah! And you are looking after Valerie Lockwood’s daughter”

“You know Susie?”

“I knew Darren, and I know Valerie. She spoke to me about her child, looking for answers. I believe you are the man who provided them”

“Er, perhaps. What it is, lad has his cap set at her, and---”

“Yes”

“Beg pardon?”

“You wish to ask if I would be able to wed them. Yes. Valerie has already been in to see me”

I tried to laugh, and she took my arm. “I have a kettle and biscuits in the vestry, Gerald. I suspect we have other things to talk of”

All my resolve to keep everything a secret was flying out of the window, for she was good, very good, and to my shame I ended up just like Matthew. She was patient, and she was gentle in her questioning.

“Gerald, I offer no platitudes, but I must ask one thing. Do you believe?”

“You mean in church stuff? Well, aye”

“I don’t ask if you ‘do’ church, Gerald. I simply ask if you are indeed a believer in Our Lord. Don’t worry; I’m not here to trap you, it’s just that there is no point speaking of my beliefs to someone who does not share them”

I thought for a moment, and the answer was there, and yes, I did. I realised that it was something I had never understood, but I knew, clearly and simply, that my people waited for me. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but all the times I had spoken to them where they lay, not just twice a year, all those times had been the only thing that had truly kept me tied to the world.

“Yes. I do believe”

“Then please tell me a little of your life”

Once more, as I had done with Susie that awful night, I spoke of France, Belgium and that horrible place in Germany, of comrades—brothers—both lost and saved. I spoke of a German, shot down in the white snow, so much red as he fell. I spoke of my Tricia, and heard a mutter of “Job!” from Reverend Harding.

“What would you do, Gerald?”

“I would see a lad and lass have the best day they can, with friends and family”

“You would seek to keep your state of health a secret from them?”

“Aye. As I said, best day they can”

“Have you been given a… Have you been told the speed at which things may get worse for you?”

“No. I have another scan in a few days. That should tell us more, and they’re doing blood tests”

“Ah, yes. Abnormal proteins and so on. I have a number of free weekends. I will pencil you in for all of them, and we shall pick the most suitable when we know more”

“What about other folk?”

“They can wait. Would you pray with me?”

I would, and we did.