CHAPTER 48 -- Girl on the Run

I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I wanted to be far away from Eric whenever he decided to come after me. I saw the moon low in the sky and figured that must be West. I knew Teresa's house was west of here, so I found a street that was going that way and started walking.

At first, all I could think of was how upset I felt. I'd think about the sex and then Eric's reaction and I'd feel like my feelings were bouncing like a ping-pong ball. I just wanted to jump out of my body. I wanted to be anywhere but here and anybody but me. I started feeling tears on my face. "Hurt." That was the word. I felt so, so hurt. I kept walking and feeling humiliated and ashamed. And hurt.

After a while, I started feeling like, this isn't fair. What was I supposed to do? I didn't choose to get turned into a girl. Or to be born a boy, either. I just wanted to feel normal. Some kind of normal. Was I supposed to tell everyone I met, hey, I'm a tranny? Wear a scarlet "T"? I started feeling self-righteous indignation. That went on for a while.

Then I started feeling guilty. You should have told him. It was a lie. A lie of omission. And then you seduced him. Just a slut, I'm a tranny slut. I was feeling miserable and kind of sorry for myself. I'm the lowest form of life, I deserve to die. I thought, I want to kill myself. Except if I do, Teresa will kill me.

About this time, I noticed that my legs were cold. I started noticing where I was. I was on a country road in the middle of nowhere. I couldn't remember when I'd last seen a house. There'd been woods, I remembered, but now there were open fields on both sides of the road with stubble from harvested corn or something, all covered with dry snow. The wind was blowing across the fields and under my skirt and it was really cold, especially when it would pick up some loose snow and blow it onto my legs. I kept walking, hoping I'd see a house, or at least some woods. I was starting to worry that I'd freeze to death.

You know, you should call your uncle and ask them to pick you up. Maybe they can figure out where you are. The moon was about to set, if I waited any longer it would be too dark to see anything. I opened my purse and felt around for my phone, but couldn't find it. I squatted down by the side of the road. It was really awkward because my shoes were sort of high heels, and even though they weren't real high, they weren't real steady on the dirt and gravel by the side of the road. I dug through the purse again. Still no phone. I tried dumping everything out on the edge of the road. Tampons, address book, envelopes, a red ribbon, hairbrush, even a compact. But no phone. Then I remembered: I'd taken it out to charge it. I must have forgotten to put it back in. I'll bet it's still on my dresser.

Now I started to get scared. I was feeling really cold, not just my legs. My coat was cute, but not really warm enough for spending hours in the cold. I gathered all the stuff and put it back in the purse. I looked around in what was left of the moonlight to make sure I hadn't left anything. Then I started walking again. I told myself, if I saw a car, I'd flag them down. But I didn't remember seeing any cars or any traffic at all.

I don't know how long I walked. I couldn't see any houses. Keep walking, I thought, maybe something will turn up. The fields turned into woods, so the wind was less, but I was still freezing. I couldn't feel my legs or my feet. Or my crotch. I was shivering. I kept stumbling because I couldn't tell whether my foot was on the ground or not. I kept thinking about how freezing to death is supposed to be a comfortable way to die. This must be God granting my wish to die, only now I wasn't so sure. If I do die, will Teresa figure it counts as suicide? Or just a tragic accident? If she decides it was suicide, will she follow me into wherever it is we go after death and beat me up for all eternity?

I noticed a light on the road. I turned around, almost falling, and saw headlights coming my way. I tried to walk into the road, but my legs weren't working right, so I just waved my arms. The lights came to a stop beside me and I saw the outline of a pickup truck. I heard "need a ride" in a familiar voice. A voice from my nightmares: Eric.

I shouted, "no, thanks!" and tried to hobble away. I'd rather die, I thought.

Eric got out of the truck and walked over to me. I felt like a zombie or some movie monster was coming over to eat my brains or something and tried to walk as fast as I could, but I ended up stumbling and falling onto my hands and knees. I'll bet I tore my tights. Great, not only will I die, but I'll die with ragged tights, like the stories where you get taken to the ER with ratty underpants and die of embarrassment. I couldn't feel my hands, I must have torn them up, too, but somehow the tights bothered me more.

I felt Eric lift me to my feet. "Don't be an idiot. You're going to freeze to death out here. Let me take you home." When he let go, I started to fall, so he put his arms under my back and my knees and carried me across the road to the truck. "Hell, you're half-dead already," he muttered. He opened the door, but I couldn't climb up into the seat, so he had to kind of heave my butt onto the seat and push my legs inside, like I was a crash-test dummy. He buckled the seat belt around me. I would have been mortified if I hadn't been so out of it. He closed the door, then disappeared. When he came back, he tossed my shoes inside.

"Do you have your purse?" he asked. I opened my coat and showed it to him. He got in and turned the truck around.

"What were you doing out here, anyway?"

"Walking home," I mumbled.

"You wouldn't have gotten home this way, it's like fifty miles before the next town." He turned on the heater full blast. I just lay there, soaking in the warmth.

"I wish you'd stayed. I settled down after a while and went to find you, but you were gone. I've spent the past hour or so going down every road out of town trying to find you."

"I thought ... kill me." I was having trouble speaking. The heat had stopped the shivering, but now I was so limp I could hardly move.

He didn't say anything for a while. I saw lights, he made a few turns, and drove on.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you like that. It just, well, hit me somewhere. I felt awful, but I shouldn't have said those things." He might have said some more stuff, but I was getting too drowsy to hear anything.

The next thing I knew, he was shaking me. "You're home. You gotta go in now." He had to put on my shoes and help me walk up to the front door. My uncle opened the door before we had a chance to ring.

He took one look at me and asked, "what happened to you?" He and Eric walked me into the living room. My aunt and Teresa were standing around watching. "You're freezing!" he said. "What happened? Why are you so cold?"

"Eric and I, well, we had a fight, and I ran off and tried to walk home. He found me before I froze to death." My uncle looked skeptical, but asked Eric if he wanted something to eat or drink.

"No, I'd better be going. But -- Melanie, we have to talk. Can we talk tomorrow after Church?" I nodded, and he left.

Teresa and Aunt Edith got me upstairs and undressed me and gave me a bath. The water felt scalding, but they said it was just warm. When they decided I was thawed out enough, they wrapped me in a terry-cloth bathrobe and Uncle Boris brought me some hot herb tea. I felt like a baby they'd given a bath to.

"Do you want to talk about it?" my aunt asked after I'd had some tea.

I shook my head. "Maybe tomorrow, after I talk with Eric."