CHAPTER 29 -- Prom Season

May is prom season. I don't think Ms. Williams approved of proms, but she probably realized she wasn't going to get away with nothing at all. However, the school does what it can to cool down Prom Fever. They don't call it a prom, but a High School Spring Dance, it's for all three grades, you can't invite guests, other than close family, and you don't go as couples. But students do what they can to make it prom-like. Girls get fancy dresses, most of the boys really dress up, sometimes renting tuxes, and both girls and boys stretch the definition of "close family" to cover people who you'd have to go back to the stone age to find where they're related.

This was Teresa and Carol's first prom -- I mean, High School Spring Dance -- and they wanted to get suitable dresses. Meanwhile, Aunt Edith and Teresa both thought I needed some summer clothes. I thought my blue church dress would do just fine for the dance, but Teresa and Carol wanted to at least get me to try on something.

So, one Saturday in early May, we went on a clothes shopping expedition. Again. I swear, I'd been clothes shopping more times since I started turning female than in my whole life up to that time. On the other hand, it was something to do that wasn't studying. They got me a white blouse with really short sleeves in some really light cotton that you could almost see through. I didn't see the point, since I'd have to wear something underneath so people wouldn't see the bra. Carol and Teresa explained with exasperated patience that seeing the bra was the point. They also got me a light teal sleeveless blouse. I got a short summer skirt and a flower-print sundress and some sandals. And a bathing suit. They wanted me to get a pink bikini, but I wanted a tank suit in a dark color. We compromised on a tank suit in light green. Finally, they insisted on getting me a miniskirt. It was like six inches above my knees and it felt like it barely covered my crotch. It was going to take all summer for me to get used to wearing them all.

Then we went to a store that had prom dresses. We met Ellen there. Ellen had what we call a lot in front and wanted a dress that would show it off without getting her kicked out of the dance. Teresa and Carol just wanted something showy. They each tried on a half-dozen dresses and picked out some for me to try on. There were one or two that I said I would consider -- for next year. Teresa picked a calf-length green taffeta dress with organza sleeves, and Carol, who has fairly dark skin, picked a knee-length sleeveless pink and black satiny dress. Ellen, though, got a long black gown in some slinky shimmery fabric that clung to her body and was open in front down to her breasts with a sort of slit down between them. There wasn't any way to hide a bra under it, so I guess the dress was designed to work without one. "Do you think the boys will like it?" she asked me.

"They'll be too busy trying to find their eyeballs after they jump out of their heads and fall on the floor when they see you," I said. She took that as a "yes."

I went out that evening with Sylvia and her friends to a church basement where some of her musician friends were hanging out. I met a friend of hers named Doris Spelman. She was an eleventh-grader from Gabriel. Sylvia's friends were talking about what they were going to wear to the prom. Doris said she was going to wear a tux, she'd made a reservation already.

"But you're a girl," I said, "aren't girls supposed to wear dresses to the dance? Will they let you in?"

"They just said formal attire. If a tux isn't formal, I don't know what is."

"You don't like wearing dresses?" I had a feeling I was making a fool of myself, but I wanted to understand.

"I don't like having to wear a dress," she insisted. "I think girls should be able to choose. If nobody's willing to be different, it's as if we couldn't. This year, I'm the one being different. Besides, I've heard that you say you're 'really a boy,' and you're wearing a dress, aren't you."

"Everyone acts like I'm a girl, so I might as well be one. And if you know about me once being a boy, you also know why I just want to fit in and not make waves."

I changed the subject. "So, will you dance with the boys or with the girls."

"Both. But that's not unusual at our dances. Girls dance with girls, and with boys, and with their parents and brothers and sisters. The boys won't dance with other boys though, which I think is stupid."

It was about this time that I learned a new word: street harrassment. (Well, two words.) Things like: one warm Sunday afternoon, one of the girls from the youth group was over, and we decided to walk down to the ice cream store for some ice cream. I was wearing my summer skirt and the sheer blouse and sandals, just to get used to it, and Teresa and the other girl were also dressed sort of summery. Anyway, we'd only crossed the first street when a car came by with the windows down and some boys in it. When they saw us, they honked and slowed down so they could stay next to us. They started shouting things at us about how they thought we were sexy and we ought to go riding with them. We tried to ignore them. Then they started telling us what they thought of our breasts and butts. We kept walking. There were people out on their lawns who saw us and those boys, but nobody said or did anything. Fortunately, they decided to drive off.

I told Teresa and the other girl that I was really scared of those boys. They told me they were a little scared, but this sort of thing happened all the time, and usually they'd just drive off like this time. Anyway, there was nothing they could do. "Just don't ever get in the car with them. Or even get close to their car," they told me.

Anyway, the night of the prom, Teresa's parents came with us. I found out that although we weren't supposed to have dates, some of the boys brought flowers for pinning on for the girls they liked. It was a little like having a date, except that sometimes a boy would bring flowers for several girls. Dennis was there, and he'd brought flowers for both Teresa and me. I thought that was a good way for him to guarrantee he'd get at least two dances with a girl.

The band played all kinds of music. There was some swing music and some music for ballroom dances and some rock and roll. We'd had some lessons after school in basic dancing to get us ready, but I still wasn't very good at it. Uncle Boris danced with Teresa while Aunt Edith danced with me, then my uncle danced with me. They were pretty good at it, I mostly tried not to step on anybody's feet.

Then Dennis asked me to dance. He was a pretty good dancer. I asked him where he'd learned to dance so well, and he said his parents had sent him for dance lessons after school for the past year. I don't know what kind of dance it was, I was just trying to sort of move in time with the music and not hurt anyone. I stared at his face so I wouldn't get dizzy or confused. I don't know if he thought I was in love with him or just hypnotized.

One of Dennis's friends asked me to dance while Dennis danced with Teresa. The friend wasn't much better than me, so we mostly just walked around in time to the music. He was trying to act grown up and manly and impressive, but not really succeeding. It was weird, because I could see myself doing exactly the same thing if I hadn't gotten turned into a girl. So even though he was kind of annoying, I couldn't get mad at him.

About that time, I saw Ellen in her super-sexy dress. I was really surprised because she was on the sidelines. I went over to her. "What's happening? I thought the guys would be lining up to dance with you?"

"I don't know, they look at me, but they don't talk to me. Even the boys I usually talk to at school. Maybe you were right about them trying to find their eyeballs."

"Well, I'll dance with you," I said. The band was playing a slow dance, so we just walked in time to the music. I wanted to take her mind off of not being asked to dance, so I asked her about what she was doing for the summer. After that dance, I got Dennis and another one of his friends to promise to ask her to dance. I couldn't help wondering: why couldn't Ellen just ask a boy to dance? But I knew she was afraid they'd think it was weird. Sometimes the world is just so weird.

Doris was there, and she was wearing a tux, just like she'd said. She'd cut her hair shorter than usual, so she looked like a girl trying to pass as a boy, but not really. I saw her dancing, sometimes with a boy, and sometimes with a girl. I was getting some punch when the music stopped, and she came over and asked me to dance. She was as good as Dennis, maybe even as good as Uncle Boris. She had me doing turns and one time even a twirl. I felt like I almost knew what I was doing.

"Who's that girl you were dancing with?" she asked. "The one with that risque' dress?"

"Ellen. I think she was hoping the dress would make the boys want to dance with her more, but I think she just scared them off. It's too bad, because she's a nice girl and fun to be with."

"She's not the only one," she said, giving me a knowing smile.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you," she explained, like I was slow. "You are a nice girl and fun to be with." I couldn't figure out why she was saying it. She looked exasperated. "I'm flirting with you, you dope. C'mon, flirt back. You've got to get practice sometime."

"You dance very well," I said. She gave me a sort of "and?" look. "I'd say you've swept me off my feet -- but really, you've kept me on my feet."

"There you go. We'll have you flirting like a pro before long."

I suddenly started feeling that dissociation feeling again, plus feeling hot and cold at the same time. "I'm sorry, I'm getting a little confused." I didn't know why I said it. "It's like, um, I don't know if I'm a boy dancing with a girl, or a girl dancing with a girl, or a girl dancing with a boy, or--." I stopped. "I don't know what I'm saying," I finished.

"You think too much. Just go with it. Do what feels good." This made me think of what I liked to do in my bed at night, and I almost lost it. She had to hold me firmly until I got my feet to work right again. I looked around and saw Dennis dancing with Ellen and Teresa dancing with another boy. Sylvia was by the punchbowl, talking with a boy and a girl. I noticed she had a flower pinned to her.

"Hey, am I so ugly you don't want to look at me?" I was afraid she was mad at me, but when I looked at her, she was grinning. "Got your attention, didn't I?"

"No, you're not ugly at all." I tried to think of a word that wasn't just for boys or just for girls. "I think you're very good-looking. Attractive. I was just looking around to see how my friends were doing. I was worried about Ellen...."

"Yeah, we need to take care of Ellen. I'll dance with her and get some of the older boys to ask her. It'd be a shame for her to have gone to all that trouble to wear a 'fuck me' dress and then have it go to waste." I looked around nervously to see if a teacher had heard her. "Relax, I looked before I said it." When the music stopped, she pulled me a little closer and gave me a kiss. On the mouth. It wasn't a big passionate kiss, but I was still blown away. She gave me a sly smile and then went off, probably to find Ellen.

Dennis asked me to dance again. It went a little better now that I'd had more practice. I wondered if I should try flirting with Dennis. He always seemed so serious, though. "You dance very well." Repeating myself, I thought. "I'm really enjoying it. And you look so handsome. I've talked with you so much, but I guess I never really looked at you. Until now." I think he blushed, but the lights were low, so it was hard to tell.

I don't remember all the people I danced with. There were people I knew and people I didn't. I do remember that Teresa asked me for the last dance. She looked happy. "Isn't this a lot of fun? I think I've danced with half the boys here and with some of the girls. I think some of them were smitten with me." She repeated the word: "smitten," like she enjoyed the taste. "And I'm so glad you're here. It's like I have a sister to share it with." When the music stopped, she gave me a long hug.

I saw Dennis, and reached out for a hug. I don't think it had occurred to him to ask for a hug, but he seemed to like it when I asked him. It was one of those it-could-be-a-brother-sister-hug-or-maybe-more type hugs. Then we said good-bye.

I saw Ellen then. "It's funny," she said, "right after you danced with me, boys started coming up to ask me to dance. Some I didn't know, too. And a girl, at least I think it was a girl. She was wearing a tux. I think you were a lucky charm for me."

I went and said good-bye to some of the other girls I knew, but they were chasing us out by them, so it was time to go home. Doris just gave me a wave and a smile as she went past.