CHAPTER 17 -- My New Home

On the way over to her folks' place -- my new home -- Teresa talked about her school. She made it pretty obvious she hoped I would go there.

"It's not like other schools. They have uniforms, one uniform for the boys and another for the girls. There's always somebody around from the school keeping an eye on things wherever you are, and if they think things are getting out of hand, they step in right away. I've never seen a fight, and only ever seen someone hit someone once, my whole time there. They're also strict about anyone saying nasty things about someone else. They take kids disrespecting one another just as seriously as disrespecting a teacher.

"But they encourage you to think. You can disagree with the teachers, as long as you're not disruptive. Sometimes you can convince them to change their mind. And they're good about encouraging girls to do well. My dad put me into Gabriel when I was in fifth grade because the regular school was saying stuff like: girls just don't do well at math."

The keeping an eye on things didn't bother me; I wished they'd done more of that at West High. I didn't mind a uniform, either, as long as it wasn't too uncomfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable, my arms and legs were aching from where Teresa had hit me. I knew I was going to have some big bruises. But in a way, I liked them. I liked having Teresa care enough to be that mad at me.

When we got there, Teresa and Aunt Edith helped me get my stuff upstairs. "You'll stay in the guest room for now," said my aunt. "You and Teresa can decide if you will share a room or we'll make the guest room yours."

"Oh, I hope we can share a room! I always wanted a sister" -- then she corrected herself -- "or a brother, too, anyway, someone I could share a room with."

It was obvious she wanted to see me as a sister, not a brother, but it didn't get to me the way it would have. Maybe the suicide attempt had changed me. Maybe it killed the part of me that got so upset at the idea. Or maybe the part of me that could get upset at all.

The guest room was sort of half office, half bedroom. There was a bed with some cushions so it was sort of like a couch. There was a desk and a bookcase, but no dresser. There was a closet which was partly empty. We unpacked. I put the laundry my mom had gathered in the hamper in the bathroom. I piled the clothes that didn't go into the closet on the desk. Aunt Edith brought in some sheets and some extra blankets.

We hung around in the room, not saying much. I realized I hadn't showered in over three days, then I realized I'd forgotten to bring any soap or shampoo. Teresa said I could use hers, so I took a shower and put on clean clothes. It was still funny that "clean clothes" now meant a bra and girl-style underwear and a skirt.

At dinner, they all tried to make me feel like I belonged there, but I felt like only a piece of me was there. Another piece was in my old bedroom, and another was in the hospital, and another was still in that classroom where Tom and his buddies dragged me to.

At the end of dinner, Aunt Edith talked to me.

"Martin, I know you're still shook up by everything, but soon you're going to have to make some decisions. Not right now, I think you need some time, but we'd like you to be thinking about them.

"First, which school. Greenwood is pretty good, but it has some of the same problems as West High, just not as bad. If you want to go to Gabriel, we'll have to apply and see if they accept you. I don't know how long that will take. I think it would be a good place for you. They're known for being good at dealing with people with problems like handicaps or racism. They've had a few trans kids there, too. But they're old-fashioned in some ways and strict about behavior.

"Second, whichever school you go to, you'll have to decide if you want to go as a boy or as a girl. You know as well as I do what's involved with each.

"You don't have to decide right away, but we'd like to know this week if you can."

My uncle spoke up. "Martin, I don't know how you're feeling now. If you think you need more time to recover from all you've been through, please do. If you need more than a week, let us know. But the sooner you decide, the sooner you can settle into a new routine."

It took me a while before I could say anything. Nobody said anything. Finally, I said, "can I have a day or two to settle down?"

"Sure," my aunt said.

After dinner, I helped clean up. Afterwards, I went up to bed, but first my uncle and aunt each gave me a big hug and told me they loved me. My aunt told me, "no matter what you decide, we'll support you. It doesn't matter if you're a nephew or niece or somewhere in between."

I was beat. It had been a long day, but not in hours. But after I got into my pj's and into bed and Teresa gave a couple of good-night hugs, I lay in bed awake for a while, not really thinking. Maybe I was gathering the pieces of myself. Like my soul had to walk all the way to West High and then to my house and then to the hospital to pick up the pieces.

CHAPTER 18 -- Decisions

The next day, I had my first appointment with Dr. Gordon, the psychiatrist who had seen me in the hospital. My uncle took me over. He works in the admissions office at a college nearby, so he can duck out during the day. Dr. Gordon was real nice. She said she thought I had some acute stress disorder from the rape attempt, made worse by the constant assaults at school. I talked about the decisions I had to make, but she didn't give me any guidance, just encouraged me to talk about how I felt about them.

It was real quiet in the house during the day, with my aunt and uncle at work and Teresa at school. I mostly just sat or lay around in my room and listened to CDs or read books. When I couldn't stand being cooped up any more, I'd take a walk in the woods. When I got bored with that, I'd do chores around the house. I did the laundry. One time, I even vacuumed the house. It was better when Teresa got home, but she always had homework, so she could only hang out for a little while. By Thursday, I wanted to make my decisions, if only because I was tired of being in limbo.

I talked it over with Teresa first when she got home. "I think I want to go to Gabriel. That way, at least I'll know one person."

"Two. Carol goes there, too."

"Also, the idea that people don't harrass each other sounds like heaven. Is that really true?"

"If you don't believe me, do you want to call Carol and ask her?"

"No, I believe you. Also, I think I'll try going as a girl. I don't exactly want to, it's just that it sounds less complicated than getting everyone to see me as a boy who just happens to look like a girl." I sighed. "The trouble is, I don't know how to act like a girl."

"Why don't you just act like yourself? My mom and I can help you with anything you really need to know. And the nice thing about Gabriel is that a lot of it doesn't matter. They won't pick on you for not acting like a girl is supposed to act. You just have to behave. And do your work." She looked over at her stack of books and sighed.

"What if I don't get in?" I wondered.

"Try Greenwood. I know some people who go there, and they've survived. I'd go as a girl, though. There are a lot of people there who would never understand somebody being a guy who just happens to look exactly like a girl."

When my uncle got home, I told him, and then tried to help him with dinner. When my aunt got home, I told her.

"Do you want us to start calling you Melanie?" she asked "Or do you want to continue to be Martin when you're at home?"

"Either one is fine." What I actually meant was 'whatever', but I thought I'd practice being a little more upbeat than I usually am.

"We'll see how it goes."

The next day, Uncle Boris set things up with the school. West High would send my school records, Dr. Gordon would send a report, the doctors would send their records, and I would have an interview next week, after the paperwork got there. Teresa offered to lend me her spare uniform for the interview. "It'll look better if you dress like you're already going there."

CHAPTER 19 -- Dressing the Part

Friday night, Teresa and my aunt inventoried my clothes, so we could go shopping the next day and buy what I needed. Some of the clothes I'd brought were from before my "metamorphosis" and didn't fit me. (I'd found the Kafka story and decided I liked the word, even though the story was pretty depressing.) Now that I was going to dress as a girl, there were things I'd need. Like another skirt or two -- one denim skirt wasn't going to cut it. I could have gone with pants, but the pants I'd tried were still pretty uncomfortable. More underwear, socks, and tights. Shoes. Some blouses and sweaters. And a nicer-looking outfit, maybe a dress or blouse and skirt.

So, Saturday morning, Teresa and my aunt packed me in the car to go clothes shopping. Carol had attached herself to the expedition, too: her words were "I wouldn't miss it for the world." In the car, Teresa and Carol did most of the talking, but since Teresa was in the front and Carol in the back, I could hear what they were saying, and they tried to include me.

My aunt asked me, "Melanie, do you think you'd like to come with us to church on Sundays?"

"Sure."

"Then you'll probably want a nice outfit. People at our church dress up for church -- we're a little old-fashioned that way -- and you'll feel out of place if you don't."

The three of them pretty much took over once we got to the mall. They were nice about it, and asked if I liked the things they were recommending, but mostly they treated me like a dress-up doll. I didn't mind. It was nice to be fussed over. I ended up with a longer skirt in some kind of cotton, a nice-looking navy blue skirt that went just past my knees, some white blouses and some pastel ones, some camisoles and a slip so my bra wouldn't be visible, some more underwear, now that they knew my size, and some more socks and tights. Oh, and some sweaters. They also got some pantyhose, saying that if I ever needed to dress up, I'd need them. They also got me some shoes. None of them were ones I would have ever worn as a guy, but they weren't super-girly, either. One pair was for dressing up, like for church. They did a good job. Nothing was super-feminine, but it was still nice-looking.

We also looked for pants, but we couldn't find anything that didn't rub too much. We tried on one pair that looked like silk pajama bottoms and didn't irritate my thighs too much, but I just couldn't see wearing it anywhere.

Finally, we went to look for an outfit for church. I was pretty tired by this time, so I wasn't paying much attention. They got me to try on a couple of dresses, but weren't satisfied with any of them, so I didn't bother even looking in the mirror. I did decide I didn't want any sleeveless dresses, though. Then they found a blue one, and this time, I did look in the mirror. It was kind of a shock. It was some kind of light blue satin with a darker blue sheer layer over it that moved, so some parts were lighter and others darker. It had a full skirt that went over my knees and puffed short sleeves. It looked really pretty and it made me look pretty, too. I wasn't sure I was ready to look that pretty, though. They all liked it, so they bought it and hoped I would someday like it, too. It helped that it was on sale. Finally, Aunt Edith picked out a navy blue shirtdress for me.

When we got home, Teresa and Carol insisted I model all the clothes for my aunt and uncle. They also started teaching me how I had to stand and sit so I wouldn't flash anyone. That pretty much took up the rest of the afternoon, and Carol hung around for dinner.

I wore the shirtdress with pantyhose and the slip to church. I noticed that my outfit was pretty plain compared to the other girls there, but I didn't think it looked too out of place. After church, Teresa introduced me to some of the high school kids there, but didn't say anything about my past. They asked if I was going to come to youth group. I said I didn't know, I hadn't even settled school yet. Fortunately, we had to go then, so I didn't have to answer any questions I wasn't ready to answer.