CHAPTER 33 -- Summer Education -- Finals

While all this was going on, I was spending most of my evenings with Sylvia. One evening when I came home, Teresa told me Dennis had come by.

"He thought he'd find you here, but then we hung out and talked for a while. You don't mind, do you?"

"No, of course not. He's very nice and, well, you're like my sister. Did you like being with him?"

"Yes. It took a little while, but I think we hit it off." She looked at me like she was afraid I'd be mad.

"That's great."

So by the time Dennis and I were making love, he was also coming over to see Teresa several times a week. I thought it was too bad we couldn't all three get together sometimes.

Anyway, it was after that that Dennis and I made love. We made love the next time we were together, and then the next time. Each time, we didn't really know if it would happen. We'd cuddle and caress and fondle a bit, and then it would seem like making love was a great idea.

The end of summer school was coming. I was helping Sylvia get ready for her final exam, which was taking a lot of time, and I was getting ready for my own. Teresa and I hadn't seen all that much of each other, but I think she had a pretty good idea that Dennis and me were a lot more than just buddies. Whenever she'd mention his name, I'd sort of smile.

One night she asked: "are you and Dennis having sex?" I hadn't expected her to ask. Actually, I hadn't been thinking much about her at all. I said, yes. I wasn't going to lie.

"Is it good?" she asked.

"Yes," I smiled.

"I'm glad," she said. Then she got more serious. "Would you be upset if Dennis and I, well, made out?"

I thought for a minute or two. "No, not really. I mean, I don't own him, and besides, it's you, not some stranger. Just be gentle with him. I think he's a little afraid of girls. And I'm glad you told me. It's not something I'd want to be surprised with."

About a week later, when we were going to bed, she said, "I have to tell you something. Dennis and I made out a few times, and, well, we went a little further."

"You all made love?" I was startled. I didn't think Dennis would go all the way that quickly.

"Not exactly, but we went most of the way. I hadn't planned on it, but, well, we were both enjoying making out, and one thing led to another." I couldn't help giggling at the idea of Teresa just letting "one thing lead to another." She always seemed so in control. "You aren't mad at me, are you?" she asked.

"No, not mad, just surprised. He sounded like he wasn't sure he wanted to, uh, get physical with anyone. But I'm glad for you. I was afraid you'd be feeling left out. And it kind of gives us something in common now, doesn't it?"

That night, I dreamed Dennis had a heart attack while we were making love, and I was trying to save him, but I didn't know CPR.

The next time Dennis and I were walking from school, he stopped me at a bench.

"Melanie. I should have told you before this, but: your cousin and I made love a few days ago."

"You did? She told me you all didn't go all the way."

"Well, that's true. But we might as well have, as far as I'm concerned."

"Was it good? I mean, did you enjoy it?"

"I did, at the time. I mean, it was fun. But then I got to thinking, and I just don't think I can handle this any more. One girlfriend was hard enough, but two -- I can't wrap my mind around it."

"So you want to stop making love to me?"

"I need to back off for a while. From both of you. I don't think you should be coming over any more, and I shouldn't be going over to your place, either." It sounded like he'd rehearsed this in his mind.

"Will we still be friends, at least? Will I be able to talk to you? I mean, I'd be okay with you not making love to me and stuff like that if I could still talk to you. And listen to you talk. I need a friend a lot more than I need a boyfriend."

He looked really miserable. He finally said, "I don't think we can be friends right now, either." He looked like he wanted to say more, but then he just sort of stopped and sat there.

"But you'll still be seeing Teresa, won't you?"

"No, not her, either. I'm sorry." We sat there for a while, not saying anything. Then he added, "I know you need someone to walk you over to your psychiatrist's, I'll see if one of my friends will go with you." Even while breaking up with me, he still thinks about my needs. For some reason, that made me want to cry more than anything else. And I did. I didn't make any noise, but I noticed tears running off my nose and dripping onto my skirt.

I don't remember the rest of the day. I don't know how I got home. That evening, I came into the bedroom while Teresa was getting ready for bed. "Dennis talked to me today. He says he can't deal with two girlfriends. He doesn't want to see either of us now. He doesn't even want to be friends. I asked if he would keep seeing you, but he won't. I'm sorry."

"You aren't mad at me? It's kind of my fault that he broke up with you."

"How could I be mad at you? I owe you my life."

"You what? What kind of crap is that?"

"Well, you did save my life."

She looked aghast. "So all this time, when I thought you enjoyed being with me, like, sharing a room and all, you were just, I don't know, pretending to be happy with everything because you felt you owed me? Oh my God!" She looked like she was going to be sick.

"No, no, that's not true! That's not true at all, I swear! I mean, it hasn't been perfect, but it has been really great to live with you and to share a room with you and to hang out with you. That's the honest truth. I've never lied to you and I'm not lying now."

She looked skeptical.

"It's more like I trust you," I continued. "You've never done anything to hurt me. I mean, of course you like to make out with him and maybe you'd have even liked go all the way. But you didn't do it to hurt me. You didn't do it to make him stop being friends. That was his idea. And I think it's stupid. I think he's missing out, not wanting to be friends with you."

"I'm not sure I didn't do it to hurt you. I was a little jealous, seeing how well you got along with him. I'm not as perfect as you say. Sometimes I'm mean. I don't want to be perfect. I want to be able to be mad at you or mean and I want you to be able to be mad and unreasonable and we can fight and then make up and love each other again. Like normal people."

"Well, anyway, I'm not mad at you. I'm just sad that it didn't work out."

We sat in the bedroom together, not saying anything. I kept thinking of Dennis and the idea of him fucking Teresa and me both. "You know," I said, "it's too bad it didn't work out with him fucking both of us." I reveled in using the forbidden word. "I'm imagining us kind of training him, like Pavlov and his dog, so whenever we wanted somebody to fuck us, we'd just call and he'd rush over. And if we both wanted, he'd do both of us, however we wanted." I started to laugh. "We'd tell him what we wanted him to do, and he'd say, 'Yes, mistress, your wish is my command.'" I said the last bit in the deepest voice I could manage.

Teresa started getting into it. "Why would he have to come over? We could just tie him to the bed in here. We'd have to tie him up and keep him in the closet when we weren't here, in case Mom came in." We were both rolling on the floor laughing. It wasn't really funny, but we both wanted to laugh. I think Teresa was kind of upset at Dennis breaking up with me, too.

The next day was Friday. Dennis's friend Zeke walked me to Dr. Gordon's. He was the boy that danced with me at the Prom, and he still kept trying to act more mature than he was. I gave him a little kiss when he dropped me off, and he turned bright red. My little revenge, I guess. It felt really funny not to have Dennis walking with me.

I hadn't talked to Dr. Gordon before about our love-making, and she scolded me a little when I told her about it. "You have to be open with me if I'm to help you." But she didn't stay mad long. I talked about how I'd felt with Dennis, and about Teresa and him and the breakup. By the end of the session, I was seeing that I hadn't treated Dennis like a person, either. I'd been only thinking about what I wanted out of him, not how he might feel about it. I tried to imagine how I would have felt if I'd had a girlfriend like me when I was a boy, but all I could think of was that I'd have been thrilled to death to be getting laid. I guess Dennis was different, or maybe I would have felt differently if it actually happened. But I couldn't ignore how he was kind of reluctant the whole time. And how broken up he seemed to be about breaking up with me. I guess I didn't understand him at all. Maybe I wasn't grown up enough for sex after all. Dennis kept worrying that when he was a doctor, he wouldn't know enough not to kill someone. Well, I didn't know enough not to kind of kill him. I felt like something you'd scrape off your shoe. She tried to tell me that everyone makes mistakes and even hurts people sometimes, but I still felt bad.

I kept expecting to feel really awful about losing Dennis, but it hadn't happened yet. I just felt kind of like a zombie. I went to Sylvia's on Saturday and Doris was there, so I talked to her about it. She gave me her number and told me I should have called her earlier, but I should still call if I needed someone to talk to. "We experienced girls have to stick together." Anyway, she kind of clucked sympathetically, but said, all things come to an end, and this was, after all, my first.

My aunt noticed how down I was, and asked me about it. "Dennis doesn't want to be friends with me any more." No way I was going to mention sex.

She put her arm around me and stroked my shoulder. "Yes, I know it's tough. You feel really close to someone, and then they turn their back on you." I was getting the funny feeling my aunt knew more than she was letting on. "I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but the only cure for a broken heart is time. And not being surrounded with reminders. Soon we'll be at the cabin in the woods, maybe you can get some heart-ease there." Being a social worker, she must have comforted people who'd had much worse things happen to them.

The next week was finals. I spend Monday afternoon at Sylvia's. Tuesday, when I would have gone to Dennis's, I told Zeke I didn't need him. I took the bus downtown and sat on a bench in City Square. I bought a coke and sipped it while I watched the pigeons and felt miserable. I expected someone to creep on me, but no one did. I took the bus to Dr. Gordon's and cried a lot.

I spent a lot of time with Sylvia, prepping her for the exam. It kept my mind off of Dennis, which was good. On Friday, we had finals. After class, Sylvia said she thought she passed. I walked over to her place and we went skinny-dipping and I tried to feel naughty, but I didn't feel too much. I ended up telling Sylvia that Dennis had dumped me, but I had deserved it, because I was too clingy. I think she must have been reading romance novels, because she started talking about how "faithless, fickle" boys were. After a while, she got me to start saying it. We took sticks and made little pretend ex-boyfriends and started throwing pebbles at those "faithless, fickle boys." But then I got on the bus to Dr. Gordon's and felt the yawning hole in my heart.