CHAPTER 45 -- Remembrance

Doris called me up and asked if I was going to the Trangender Day of Remembrance service.

"Transgender what?"

She put on her most patient, explaining-to-idiots voice. "Transgender. Day. Of. Remembrance. It's a ceremony to commemorate the TG people who have been killed in the past year just for being TG. They're having one in town next Tuesday night. You should come."

"What's that got to do with you or me?"

"Uh, didn't you 'trans' from boy to girl about a year ago? I think that means you count as 'trans'gender. And I'm going because I know someone who is 'trans'-gender. You."

When she put it that way, I did sound pretty stupid. "Okay, I'll rush through my homework to get ready."

When Teresa heard about it, she wanted to go, too, and then her parents thought they'd go. So we had transportation.

The ceremony, or whatever it was, was in a Unitarian church. Someone had gotten the idea to put up posterboards, sort of like what you have at a science fair, for some of the people. Each one was for a different person. They had pictures, newspaper clippings or print-outs of on-line stories about the person who was killed, and sometimes things people had written or drawn. One had a hair ribbon that the victim used to wear. I noticed that a few were from around here. One was a 22-year-old TG prostitute who had been found downtown beaten and strangled with her bra. There was a police report on her board saying they never found the killer. They only knew her street name, so they couldn't look for next of kin. The writings on her poster were from other prostitutes. I wondered if she had a family. I wondered if they'd have admitted they were related to her. There was another for a trans man in the capital. I didn't know there even were women who got themselves turned into men. She was shot by some coworkers when they found out.

The ceremony was pretty simple. They'd read off a name, tell a little bit about him or her, and someone would light a little candle and take it back to where they were sitting or standing. Each time it was a different person. I ended up lighting one for a trans boy in Mexico. There were more victims than people attending, so most of us ended up with several candles. They had the lights out, just a couple of candles in front to see the words and to light our candles, so it started out dark and got lighter. When they'd read off all the names, we all stood in silence for a couple of minutes. Someone from the newspaper took some pictures. Then we walked out and blew out our candles and left them on tables by the posters. I started to think: I could have been one of them. Maybe in the future I might get murdered, and they'd read my name off next November. It felt creepy.

There were a bunch of people from the LGBTQ center in town who told me they were trans. Some looked like normal people and some looked a little funny. I didn't feel like talking to them, but Doris and Teresa told them my story. They thought I should come to their meetings, but I said I was pretty busy already. To be honest, I just wanted to live like a normal girl. I didn't want to think about any of that other stuff.

The next week was Thanksgiving. This year, my family came over. My brothers were pretty cool, they called me Melanie and treated me like their sister. My mom and Dad tried calling me Melanie, but you could tell it was hard for them. After dinner, we were all hanging out in the living room, when my mom asked me, "what do you think the future is going to be like for you?"

"I'll try to get into a college, if I can afford it. After that, get a job, I guess. Isn't that what everyone does?"

Then she asked, looking pretty uncomfortable, "do you think you'll have a family?"

"If I meet a nice guy, maybe." She sort of winced, but tried to smile. "Or, who knows, maybe a nice girl."

When she heard that, she turned away and said, "God forbid," and wrung her hands. I guess girl-on-girl action was too weird for her, even if one of the girls used to be her son. Then she put on a kind of fake smile and faced me and started asking me about school.

After my family had left, my uncle talked to me.

"I looked into what you'd need to do to get a learner's permit or a license. The problem is that your birth certificate says 'male', so DMV will only issue you a license that says 'male', but you look female, so they might not believe you're you when you try to get the license. And even if the picture looks like you, they may think it's a fake. Nobody really knows what will cause problems and what won't.

"As for changing your birth certificate, the problem is that you're under 18. They won't change the sex on a birth certificate before someone has SRS. We can argue that the gene therapy counts as SRS, but the guidelines say that you can't have SRS before you're 18. So they may kick up a fuss about your age.

"It may be complicated and we may need to go to court to straighten things out. Is this something you want to do? Are you ready to commit to what may be a long unpleasant slog?"

I thought for a while. "I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. Part of me wants to do it so I can live like a normal something, and part of me doesn't want to kill off my old self. And part of me is just afraid of doing anything that might, you know, mess up the situation I have now. Can I have some time to think about it some more?"

"Of course. Take as much time as you need."

On Saturday, Ursula came over and we hung out with Doris and Sylvia. And Dennis. It seems Ursula and Dennis had hit it off. I didn't ask her, but I wondered if Dennis not being ready for sex was part of what she liked about him. Maybe it made her feel safe. And I knew Dennis can be really nice and gentle. They spent a lot of time talking to each other and some time snuggling on the couch. It hurt a little, seeing Dennis doing with Ursula what I'd wished he'd kept doing with me, but then I told myself, Ursula needs this more than me. And I've got Doris and now Eric, sort of.

I mentioned to Doris that Eric and I were getting to be like boyfriend and girlfriend. But I told her she was still special to me. "Being with Eric doesn't mean I'm not willing to have sleepovers with you, if you ever feel like you want to." She told me she was glad I felt that way and I would always be special to her. Then she kissed me and we kind of hugged and snuggled. One time we were on the couch and Dennis and Ursula were there, too, so we all got squeezed together real tight.

CHAPTER 46 -- The Yule Season

Eric and I started going out together once a week or so. Sometimes we'd just go for a walk. One time, he took me skating. I'd never skated before, so he had to hold me up a lot, which was fun. And sometimes, if we were walking and no one was around, we'd stop and hug and kiss for a while. Sometimes he'd stroke my back. It seemed a little like he was feeling me up, but it felt good, and I'd stroke his back and the back of his head while we were kissing.

Sometimes, when it was almost time to go home, we would sit next to each other in the truck and put our arms around each other or kiss and stroke each other's face. One time, he started to stroke my front and touched my breast. Then he stopped. "I guess I should ask you first, shouldn't I?"

"Yes, you should ask, but it's okay if you want to -- touch my breast. Asking first makes it so much more --" I started to blush. "-- sexy, romantic, something like that."

Eric had one arm around my shoulder and went back to kissing me, while with his other hand he just lightly touched my breast through my clothes. I could see he was trying, but it wasn't doing anything for me, so I took his wrist. He pulled away.

"I'm doing it wrong, aren't I? I should stop." He sounded hurt.

"No. I mean, I want you to keep doing it, I just wanted to show you how you could do it so I'd like it more. Here." And I tried to get him to cup my breast with his hand and caress it, but he was stiff and hard to move. It was like he was taking it personally that anybody had to show him anything.

"Eric, can you just relax?" I gave him a long kiss, hoping it would get his mind off his pride, and I took his hand and caressed it and kissed it. I knew explaining it wouldn't work, I'd have to get him in the right mood to let me do it. Damn it, why do boys have to be so complicated? I finally got him to caress my breasts, but it was a struggle. And we had to go home right after that.

The next time we tried it, it went better, but it was still awkward. "Eric, I hate to say it, but the front seat of your truck isn't the most comfortable place to be, well, exploring each other's bodies."

"We could try doing it at my place. My mom is out most evenings, so we'd be alone." We decided we'd try it if things worked out sometime.

It was getting near Christmas, and Eric invited me to a Christmas party at one of his friends. It wasn't too bad, but I didn't know anybody and there was drinking. They had a mistletoe over a doorway and people were having fun catching other people under it and demanding a kiss. At least three guys got me to kiss them that way. They were nice about it, so I didn't mind. And Eric got a few kisses that way, too. But then some of the kids there started insisting I should drink something and I got afraid that they were trying to get me drunk, so I asked Eric if we could leave.

"We have an hour or two before you need to get home. Do you want to stop by my place and, well, mess around a little? Only if you want to, and only as much as you want to." I said yes, and next thing I knew, we were in his mom's bed and he was kissing me and caressing my breasts and back and everything.

Pretty soon I had my blouse and bra off and he had his shirt off and our hands were everywhere. By now, he seemed okay with me guiding him. I didn't need guidance because of course I'd been a boy and had an idea what he might like. I worried a little that he'd wonder why he didn't need to explain or show anything to me, but he didn't say anything. He started to slide his hand under my skirt, but I stopped him and said, "not tonight."

"You don't like it?"

"It's the kind of thing I think I'd like if I felt really, really comfortable with you. But we're not there yet."

We went back to cuddling and caressing and kissing, but I could tell he was disappointed. Pretty soon we had to leave, anyway. Why couldn't he just snuggle and kiss, anyway?

It sounds like all I was thinking about was sex. I mean, I was thinking about it a lot, but aren't teenagers supposed to be obsessed with sex? But I was doing other things. School. And friends. Doris was working on college applications and freaking out.

"I've applied to a dozen places, but I'm sure I won't get in. I know there are people with much better grades and test scores. And extra-curriculars! I haven't done anything! There are people who do a dozen sports, are in all the school plays, have been to Africa. How can I compete with them?"

She had her heart set on going to University of Chicago, and even though she'd applied other places, she was convinced that her life wouldn't be worth living if she didn't get in there. I tried to calm her down. I told her I thought she had a good chance and if they didn't accept her, it was their loss. It didn't seem to help. Mostly I just held her and caressed her and listened to her rave. I'd hold her for a while, then she'd work on an application until it got too much for her and I had to hold her again.

The church basement coffee house had a Christmas party, so our Gabriel gang went, including Urusula. Eric had to work so he couldn't come, which made me sad but also kind of relieved for some reason. Alice, Doris's friend who was at college now, showed up, and they and Sylvia spent a lot of time catching up. I hung around them and they tried to include me, but it was mostly about stuff from before I knew any of them. Zeke was there and he hung around me quite a bit. I told him I had a boyfriend, but he said he just liked being around me. Teresa and Jeff were hanging out with everyone and even though you could tell they were a couple, they were pretty laid back about it. I realized it somehow wasn't like that between Eric and me, but I couldn't say why.

Christmas was pleasant. There isn't a whole lot to say about it, which is kind of why it was so nice. My family came over for Christmas Day, but the rest of the time we just kind of hung out, saw movies and stuff. It snowed, so we made snow men and snow women, had snowball fights, and generally relaxed.

The youth group had a sleep-over for New Years. We had music and dancing and games and a talent show. Eric and I danced a lot together, but I also danced with other people, including Teresa and Amy. At midnight, we lowered a glitz ball and everybody shouted and hugged and then we all piled up in a pile. Since the pile kept falling over, we had to keep piling up again. Finally, we got out sleeping bags. The boys were on one half of the room and the girls on the other, but Eric and I arranged to be close enough that if we stretched our arms out we could just hold hands. I don't think we were supposed to be that close, but Reverend Jen sort of looked the other way.