CHAPTER 41 -- My Plate is Full

My life was getting really complicated. What with school, romancing Doris, and trying to do something for Ursula, not to mention finding ways for Teresa and Jeff to have time together, and seeing our friends, well, it's like I had to have an appointment book to keep track of what was when.

One time, Doris came over for a sleep-over. At first, we thought she'd sleep in the guest room, but she said, no, she was happy to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor. Then I couldn't bear to see her all alone on the floor, so I got out my sleeping bag and we snuggled on the floor. We didn't go any further, what with Teresa being there. Sometime in the night, Teresa got in with us, too, so I had Doris on one side and Teresa on the other. In a way, it was too much of a good thing, but it also felt really, really nice to have two people really liking me. Like having them next to me and snuggling made me feel liked in a way that just hanging out and talking didn't. It felt so nice and natural but different from anything, for a while, I thought I was dreaming it. Then, after I was sure it was real, I thought about Teresa wanting to be next to us. I thought: maybe Teresa is as hungry for snuggles as I sometimes am.

I was talking to Aunt Edith about what I could do for Ursula. She looked so miserable and beaten down, I wanted to cry. I wished there was a way to get her out of West High, but I didn't think her parents could afford private school, and I didn't think my Aunt and Uncle would want to take in another kid. All I could think of was to offer her a place where people would be nice to her and she wouldn't have to be afraid all the time. So I talked to my friends and we found Saturdays and Sundays when we thought she could come over and hang out with us. I called her up and asked her.

Ursula had bad news. "Martin -- I mean, Melanie -- my parents say I can't go hanging out. My teachers say I'm flunking everything. I have to stay home and study until I get my grades up. But when I try, I just feel like, what's the use? I can't even look at my homework."

I thought for a minute. "You know, I could help you with your homework. I'm tutoring people in math at Gabriel. Maybe some of my friends would help you, too. Do you think you'd have an easier time if you had people there encouraging you?"

She perked up a little. "I don't know. I could ask my parents, though."

"Gabriel School seems to have a reputation for being super-nerdy, maybe they'd believe that we'd spend an afternoon hanging out doing schoolwork. I mean, it would be true, we won't lie about it. But it's always easier when you're not alone. I don't think I'd have done as well if it weren't for Teresa doing her homework at the same time."

She said she'd talk to her parents. They might want to talk to my aunt and uncle, though. So I told Teresa and her parents. Teresa rolled her eyes and said, "what are you getting me into now?" But she said she was down with helping Ursula study. She'd seen how awful Ursula looked.

I'd told Doris and Sylvia and their friends about Ursula and they were sympathetic. When I told them about the homework situation, they were less happy, but said they'd try to spare some time. Sylvia spoke for everyone when she said, "It's not like we don't already spend most of our waking hours just on our own schoolwork."

The next evening, Ursula's parents called up and talked to my aunt and uncle. It seems her parents weren't mean, but they were really worried and didn't know what to do. I think hearing from my aunt and uncle that we were the kind of kids to actually focus on schoolwork and not screw around and that they'd keep an eye on things made them willing to give it a try.

So Ursula came over the next Saturday with a bunch of books and a list of assignments to work on. I helped her with math, Teresa helped her with English and writing. Ursula turned out to not need much help. She knew how to do the stuff, she just needed to not be so depressed before she could do it. A lot of the time she was just working by herself while we did our own thing and sometimes brought her hot chocolate and snacks. I actually saw here smile once or twice. By dinner time, she'd gotten them all done. She looked really depressed at the idea of having to go home. I'd hoped to spend the evening with Doris, but I thought Ursula deserved some fun time, since she'd worked so hard. We got the okay from her parents and Teresa and Ursula and I went over to the church basement to hang out with Sylvia and Doris and them. I got Ursula to do some drawings for Sylvia, and Sylvia did some, and they got along great. And I got some time with Doris. Ursula's parents picked her up around 10:00 and dropped me and Doris at Doris's and Teresa at home. So it all worked out.

Ursula's parents were impressed that she'd gotten everything done, so they were happy to have her come over again. She came over for a Sunday afternoon, and Sylvia dropped by. Ursula rushed through her work so she could do drawings with Sylvia. The third time she came, I noticed she'd gotten her Goth look together. She said she'd gotten "dressed up" just to come over. She'd dyed her hair red and green and put fresh nail polish on. Doris came by that time. Sylvia had her over one time for studying and a sleepover. But she still looked miserable when it was time for her to go home.

On the lighter side, Teresa's friends had been after me to go to school wearing Teresa's petticoat, but in a friendly way. After they promised they would have my back if I had any trouble, I wore it to school. I felt really conspicuous, the way my skirt stuck out, and I was sure everyone was looking at it, but nobody said anything, not even the teachers. Well, some of my friends said stuff at lunch, but they were all saying how cute it looked. I think some of the boys were sneaking peeks, but they didn't say anything. It took some getting used to sitting down and getting up, though, because I had to arrange the skirt and petticoat so it wouldn't show. I tried to make it look like I'd been doing it all my life and I was doing it without thinking. In the afternoon I realized I'd need to undress for gym and then everyone would see it, but by now I was feeling braver. I hadn't gotten into trouble yet. So I just took it off like I did anything else and put it in my locker, and after gym I put it on and acted like it was normal. Two of the girls did come over and say they thought it was pretty, but they weren't sure they'd have the courage to do it themselves. All in all, it was pretty positive. In fact, when I got home, I didn't want to take it off.

The church basement coffee house had a Hallowe'en party the Saturday before Hallowe'en. Ursula came dressed as Morticia, from the Addams Family. She even had some really wilted roses with lots of thorns; she said the guy at the flower shop had just given them to her 'cause he couldn't sell them. Teresa's friends scrounged up a short light blue peasant dress and a bonnet and had me go as Little Bo Peep. They insisted on putting make-up on me, including ridiculously rosy cheeks. It was my first time wearing make-up and while it did look cool, I didn't like the feel of it on my skin. They talked Carol into dressing up as one of my sheep. Teresa decided to be the Snow Queen. Jeff and Nick came as zombies. I told them it wasn't much of a stretch. Ellen was a mermaid, with a green sequined hobble skirt that looked sort of like a tail and a skimpy green sequined bra. Doris came as Abe Lincoln and Sylvia as a pirate. Even Dennis and his friends came: I guess he'd gotten over being so upset with me. Dennis came as Dracula and Zeke as a knight.

Yeah, Zeke. That night, Zeke spent a lot of time hanging around Doris and me. He really hammed up the knight stuff, saying a lot of thees and thous and fetching us drinks and stuff pretending he was slaying a dragon. As we were about to go home, he came over and awkwardly asked us if he could hang out with our crowd. Doris and Teresa said, "sure." On the way home, we talked about it.

"You know," said Doris, "I don't think I've ever asked somebody about hanging out, we just kind of did it. You know, you say, let's go to so-and-so's."

"Well, you asked me to hang out with you," I said.

"Well, you were a special case. You were too clueless to just show up, so we had to kind of give you a shove."

"Thanks -- I think," I said, sort of insulted, but not really.

"That's all right, we love just the way you are," said Doris. Teresa was sitting next to me, and she leaned over and gave me a hug, or as much of a hug as you can give someone when you're both belted into your seat. Then she started singing the song; you know, "I love you just the way you are."

I continued. "Anyway, maybe Zeke's the same. He seems to think he has to put on some kind of act for anyone to like him. Anyway, I think I'll make a point of letting him know when we're doing something."

"I guess that makes you his social secretary," said Teresa.

"More like his social worker," I said. "Or the clueless leading the clueless." Even more for my plate. Ursula, now Zeke. God! What's a loser from West High like me doing here, anyway?

I couldn't help thinking every now and then about how I was feeling so different about things now. A year ago, I would have thought wearing a dress was a fate worse than death, and as for looking pretty? Ugh. As for the sex change, it was like my life was over. But now I was dressing like a girl and (mostly) acting like a girl, and enjoying it. I even wanted to be pretty sometimes. I mean, some of it was a pain, like the harrassment, or having to be "ladylike" sometimes, but mostly it was fun. Maybe even better than being a boy.