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By Melanie E.
A story written in the posting window for BCTS.
-==-
Kayley looked down at the sidewalk in front of her apartment complex and tried her best not to cry.
She failed.
There, strewn across the concrete, were all the things that had ever mattered to her. Her computer, now nothing but a smashed pile of electronic debris. Movies, books, records, and her clothes. Not just the male clothes that she was forced to wear every day; HER clothes. The ones she had kept hidden away in her travel case, and only ever allowed herself to wear when in the safety of a hotel room on business trips, or on long weekends when her wife would dash off on her own.
The clothes that meant more to her than the thousands of dollars in other property strewn about.
The clothes that had been sliced, splattered with paint, and torn apart before being tossed down.
She tried the intercom for what she was already thinking of as her past-tense apartment. Though she could still hear the screaming and violence within the room through the open window, her calls yet again received no answer.
An answer wasn't needed. She knew that the life she'd had was over.
Kayley spent that night in her car, and the next couple of days looking for a new apartment. She dried her tears as best she could, though they still got the best of her at times. She tried her best to move on, though, despite the pain, and tears, and loss.
She'd fallen hard for the woman she loved, and had tried to be the person she'd wanted. She'd hoped that she would continue to fall forever, but instead, she'd finally found the bottom, and the impact had been almost more than she could bear.
But that's the thing about falling: there's only one thing you can do after it happens.
Pick yourself back up.
-==-
I've been going through a bit of a manic-depressive period the last couple of weeks -- okay, probably more like last few months -- and for some reason I was just inspired to write this tonight. I feel -- a lot -- like the world crashes down around me, and that nothing ever wants to go the way it should. Still, some times picking up the pieces of yourself after you've been shattered time and again is all you can do. Often the glue can't hold the pieces together, and you'll shatter again and again. But sometimes... sometimes, you'll find that safe place where you can lay your broken down to rest, just for a bit, without breaking again. Sometimes, you can even fix a part of yourself for good.
Everybody is broken or shattered in some way. Finding the way to preserve what you can, and make the best of your broken pieces, is about all you can hope for.
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Comments
Broken, forever cracked
I felt a connection more with your personal comments at the end of your story. I've always felt broken, the pieces grinding against each other and no way to ease the pain. Living a shattered existence and trying to keep that pain manageable is very difficult.
It is.
I'm, admittedly, not very good at dealing with my problems. Like, at all.
I rely heavily on reading, art, and games to escape my own life. In fact, most of the things I love are all about just that; escape. About the only time I really, truly feel like more than just a wrecked piece of trash is when I'm letting myself become absorbed in another character. You can always tell which stories I write for escape and which ones I write because of pain by the route I take, with my happy stories being one's I write as I wish for that kind of existence myself, while stories like this are where I'm trying to let some of that pain out without giving in and breaking further.
I try to motivate myself to actions to mend my breaks, but it's so very, very difficult to bring yourself to commit to something when it feels like every commitment you make falls through and simply leaves you even further in despair. Right now, the commitment I'm putting all my hopes on is the arrival of my desktop PC and the pursuit of creating my YouTube gaming channel, because if I can make even a smidgen of money doing something I love -- playing and talking about games -- then it will help to make everything else that little bit more bearable. Right now, though, even that dream is on the verge of shattering, since I have no idea when or even if my desktop will arrive, and that's part of what's causing me to be so anxious and, admittedly, more than a bit neurotic at the moment. No, I don't have delusions that I'll make masses of money off doing videos, but I may be able to make enough to help make ends meet in combination with the part-time work I'm likely to find around the area I'm in, and that's what's important. I've also got writing commitments I've made that could turn into money, but, well, I haven't been very reliable there, mostly due to depression, frustration with the internet here, and more than a touch of a lack of discipline.
Being broken is hard. Fixing yourself? Harder.
I'm really hoping that the effort, this time, is worth it, because I don't know if I've got the strength to recover from being shattered again.
Melanie E.
Yes, escape
I do that also, read and play games. It helps distract me for a while.
One of the first stories I recall reading that made me hopeful that other realities existed was reading about Heinlein's Lazarus Long. When Lazarus was tired of living one of the ideas tossed to him to give him a renewed interest in life was cloning him and transferring his mind into the new female host body. That book was Time Enough For Love. I always wanted to move to Boondock and have that happen and be adopted into the Long family.
Good luck with your gaming channel.
Chin up old girl
don't look down and all the other cliche's.
Many of us go through these phases. For me it is packing away Samantha. usually this is because of the frustration that I'd never pass out in the real world in a million years so she has to stay indoors.
Thankfully now that I own my own home putting her away just involves shutting a bedroom door. Then sometime later she comes out to play again refreshed and raring to go.
I can't really pack myself away, unfortunately.
Sometimes I really do feel like I'd be better off if I could just subdue my emotions and get on with living the life the world expects me to, but I can't.
I'm at the heaviest I've ever been, and even as recent as yesterday I went out to eat with my dad, and when I paid for our meal -- male wallet, male clothing -- the cashier told me "thank you, ma'am." It's painful because it's what I want, but at the same time it's....
*sigh*
My trans status is only one of a number of issues I'm trying to work my way through, sadly enough. Maybe some day I can figure something out.
Melanie E.
Thank You For This
Just an extended, devastating, raw, incident moving downward toward the first flickers of resolution. A crux moment captured. And thank you for what you wrote in the Author's Comments section. I agree, we all have damage and chips of ourselves left in places where we've shattered, gathered ourselves the best we've been able to, and moved on. Makes me reflect upon the beauty to be found in mosaics.
Sometimes mosaics are even more beautiful than the original item
But they still have their sharp edges and rough spots. I don't think it's really possible for anyone to ever be 100 percent whole and happy, not with the way the world is, and not with the way people work.
I'd just like to find enough happiness to make the painful parts worthwhile.
Melanie E.
Just To Add
Isolated loneliness has been my 'zipcode' for the past year. Your postings and stories have helped me tremendously. These 'escapes' as you called them have helped to pull pieces of pain from me, because of the gifted level of authentic detail you place in your stories and characters. I just wanted to say, "Thank you." for that.
And thank you for reading.
I go on and on to other authors about how you should write for yourself and not for the hit counts or comments, but despite that even I'm susceptible to bouts of moodiness over story popularity. It helps when I hear that someone has found comfort in what I've written.
Melanie E.
Thanks
Every time I check the front page and see something with the author tag "rasufelle", I think "This time I'll actually name an account to write a comment". This time, I finally did. (Though it appears I'm late to the comment party. Oops.)
Fortunately, the situation around me is fairly problem-free, aside from being with people who think that said situation around you is all that matters (among other things I secretly disagree with). However, there's this funny thing where life never seems to be as interesting as the escapes from it.
Sure, that includes magic and such, but even just realistic(ish) things make me wish there was somewhere else. A certain fictional academy happens to look far more appealing than any arrangements I'm in. (God help me when I DO have what others consider "proper" issues...)
Even if you're just writing for your own escape, your works are great. I'll support you in whatever way I can from back here. If you go try being a YouTube content creator, I'll be sure to give your videos views. From what you've had of a schedule here I have a looming feeling you'd be a while between uploads, but thankfully you can still get a following that looks forward to updates even if you upload irregularly. (I'm a subscriber to one such channel and it's just automatically a great day whenever they upload.)
A bit of time watching videos or a few spare dollars on Amazon is the least I can do (however slowly it's done) for the amount of time I've been in your worlds.
I may not be able to know or understand what you're going through, but I sure can hope you make it through in as few pieces as possible. If that sentiment sounds redundant, then that's because I've said it before elsewhere and it's all I can really say.
Kindness and support are never redundant.
And, thank you.
As for being a while between uploads? My internet may be horrid, but that's the thing about uploading a video to YouTube; you're not trying to actively watch it at the same time, so it can be as slow and stuttery as it wants. I'll only be recording at 480p to start with to speed things up a notch, though, and most of the videos I post will be minimally-edited gameplay videos or webcam talk sessions: not exactly ultra high-effort stuff, especially not to start. The only reason they aren't already going up is that my computer should be on its way, but isn't here yet. Hopefully soon....
Melanie E.
Poignant but a story of survival
your protagonist wasn't lying broken on the pavement as well, she survived and we all hope eventually got her life back on track and found someone who loved her enough to accept her in all her personae.
Angharad
I somehow missed commenting on this story
So I get to make up for that now.
as a person with bipolar, I can really relate to the feels here.