Bridges 45

Chapter 45

*Before…

We’re pulling down our road and I can see the ranch. “Well it’s not burned down so I guess we’re having pasta tonight.”

He smiles and he pulls up my lane and into my yard. “I told you so.”

I look at him and then at his place and my place and just sort of everything. “I love you y’know right?”

He just smiles as he reaches over and pulls me in and gives me this really tender kiss on the forehead. “Yeah, I know.”

*And Now…

I slip into my house and smile it’s good to be home. And as much as I liked being with Cass it’s just nice to be back. I guess I’ve kind of become a homebody of sorts with moving back and transitioning and everything and things here being iffy I sort of holed up here a lot and you get comfortable with it or you go nuts…stir crazy.

And now with Cass here and us having a life this has turned into a little better place even. My folk’s house and now mine and Cass and I are starting a life and a family together it’s made this place even more of a home.

It’s also nice and warm too. The advantage of another person living here besides Cass and me and one of having Brandon across the road.

I carry my stuff upstairs and get undressed and toss things into the washbin and I take a shower and get cleaned up.

I don’t dress like date nice because that’s not Brandon and I any more but I do actually get dressed and not slap some stuff on.

Blow dry my hair and leave it down and loose and my favorite house bra.

Yes we women have different bra and underwear.

Some are for work and I actually like ones that are done by Jessica for that because they have a green and a mauve that works well with my work scrubs I have the standard greens and I bought a couple of pairs of the burgundy scrubs. I like a wider strap and band though at work with all of the lifting and moving that I do. It stays in place better and gives decent support too but it’s not a sports bra.

And there’s nothing wrong with a sports bra either but they’re really not suited for a twelve hour shift.

Then there’s the old stuff we keep to wear around the house. We do that because well under things are expensive and it’s just good sense and for comfort reasons too but we as a rule try to not wear those when we go someplace because you never know when something is going to happen and someone will see things.

Even other women.

I mean they’d get it I know but at the same time we do look at who is wearing what and we do sort of make judgments about people because of it. Even me…and I’m saying this because I’ve been in transition for a long time but also even before that I was one of those pre-transition people that would have the mental commentary about how some people would be dressed.

It’s not like I’m snobby about clothes and stuff but looks. Like the look someone is going for if it really doesn’t work it goes off in my brain as much as a look that has me going.

Oooh I like that.

And I’ll do that with stuff that I know I could never pull off.

My biggest peeve is older women, and by that I mean my age and older. Because there’s a bunch of us that dress or try to dress like the teens and twenty somethings.

We’re not.

And I don’t care that as a trans woman I missed out on those years and if you want to do that at home…cool go for it but stop trying to dress like a twenty year old when you’re not.

One it’s not our fashion, there’s stuff that is generational and honestly we don’t look good in it.

I’m not saying dress frumpily or dress old either but just.

Yeppers it’s a peeve.

And then there’s well intimate wear and that to me is like wearing make-up for someone that you like.

Slinky wear is rarely comfortable in a daily wear sort of way and yes I love the look of some of it but wearing it.

Like thing high stockings…unless you’re into that sort of thing for most of us they’re a pain unless you’re dressing really up to go out or you’re doing slinky time.

I’m in my second best stuff so that’s stuff I wear day to day when not at work and not going out but it’s better than my whole relaxed lazy rubber me self.

So…

Decent underwear and I put on some Secret spay on and I put on a pair of comfortable jeans. Yeah comfortable and not to tight I’ve work the tight stuff and it’s okay but it sort of pinched…I haven’t since my surgery and stuff though I’m not a skinny jeans kind of person too much.

I’m not even a name brand fashion hound my jeans a Levis and they’re bootcut and their five years old.

I get one of armed forces t-shirts to put on too because one their comfortable as hell and two I’m eating pasta tonight I’ll be suffering under the Sam rule.

That’s when the better something tastes the more I’ll potentially wear it.

I tuck it in and add a belt and yes…it’s tucked to look neater but there’s also the whole tucked in boob effect.

Just because Brandon and I aren’t sleeping together and we’re really close friends we have slept together and I still sort of have yeah-boy… feelings for him sometimes so yes I kind of want to have yay-boobs.

But the rest is earrings and wool socks, I have these great wool socks that are super soft and really comfy and it’s winter so they’re a good choice. No lipstick or perfume but I do a little around my eyes just to look better a touch and then I grab my coat and keys and purse and I head out and go over to Brandon’s house.

The first thing that hits me is the smell…sweet and tomato like but it’s that sweet of well-cooked onion and garlic and next in the smell of cooking meat and baking bread.

No I didn’t knock, we don’t really do that…okay Cass and I don’t do that. (Derp-face.)

Instead we come in and I take off my boots and call out. “Hello!”

“In the kitchen Sam!”

I head gladly into the kitchen and I’m smiling all the way.

Wool socks and really good hardwood floors.

And it’s Brandon’s house so it’s pretty awesome, especially since it’s so well done.

Hardwood floors and pine walls all the framing is red maple and it has exposed beam work making it look all the nicer and really nice windows and there’s like French doors between rooms and there’s art all over the place like some native stuff but other things that Brandon had shipped to storage while he worked away.

And now there’s pictures up too, things he took him with people and sights and things and people and co-workers. I like some of the temples and things and animals but some of the best pictures are almost art like with like city scapes from high rise points of view.

Add in nice furniture and a real warmth to the place like the fireplace in the living room lit and going and soft cozy lighting…I see he uses dimmer styled switches which I like I have one in the bathroom at home and the bedroom.

I join Brandon in the kitchen and it’s nice all cedar cabinets with the black wrought iron handles and hinged and a long counter and a nice tiled back splash and a stone counter top that matches the tiles and a dark stormy grey that counter points the wrought iron and nice appliances.

One of the things that I really like is he had all these vintage looking antique containers and boxes for things for the stuff on the counter and there’s not island instead he has a long almost bar like counter with nice seat stools with backs and it’s all just really nice, in that grown up guy with nice tastes and knows what he likes kind of way.

And it’s not really all that man-cavey either with all the things that he has here from all over too and a large walk in closet that’s an obvious larder and it’s full of things like veggie bins and jars of herbs and things that sort of soften the place.

There’s pots of boiling water going and he has meat cooking in the frying pan and I can smell sausage and I can see he has other meat in a bowl and there’s two fair sized slow cookers of what looks like sauce on the counter.

“Can I help?”

“You know how to use a pasta maker?”

“Nope.” I grin and he’s pouring me a glass of red.

“Then you can tend to the meat.”

I take the wine glass and I take a sip and it’s okay.

Okay it’s likely pretty good but I really don’t know about wine or really developed a pallet for it.

“Okay.”

I take over cooking the meat and Brandon wants the sausage crispy and then he gets me to take it out and to add anchovies to the oil/fat in the pan.

“Anchovies?”

“Yup anchovies.”

“But they’re like eeew.”

“Have you had them?”

“Uhm…”

“That’s a no then.” Okay I blush.

“Well they’re fish.”

“Yes and tiny and salted and cured and used to cook with for a long time and they’re really good.”

“Fish…like that are good…in pasta?”

He nods. “Just put them in and let them cook a few seconds and then give them a stir to break them up, they’ll dissolve into the dish.”

“Oh?...okay?”

I do it and they sort of smoosh and then they break up and he nods when he takes a peak while he’s making dough and he’s also got stuff out like eggroll wrap, five spice, mascarpone, whipping cream and marshmallow fluff and maple syrup?

He nods. “Good now just add in some of the chopped onions now and garlic and just let them cook a little and then add in the deer meat.”

“What’s with the other stuff?”

“Dessert.”

“Dessert?”

“Canadian Italian Chinese Cannoli.”

Okay I just stare at him and blink.

Which makes him do that Brandon half smile? “I’m serious and you’ll like them.”

I bobble head nod. “I’m sure that I will.”

He does that little chuckle too.

Damn me if I still don’t feel things from that. Brandon is a very good man he’s also a damned sexy one too.

No not going to go there and do stuff but he’s me friend and he’s my ex and the first guy that I was with in a long time…a long, long time.

I think I will always have a degree of oh damn about Brandon.

But it’s friendship first.

I add the other stuff and okay…one it starts to cook with the garlic and the ground venison t actually does sort of smell really decent I’m not used to cooking with venison that much that was always something in Dad’s sort of realm of things when I was at home and that’s the last time I really had it.

It’s a really lean meat there’s not a lot of fat in this at all so the stuff left render off the sausage was actually needed and it’s also has this smell to it. It’s not bad at all but it’s not beef that’s for sure.

We get it cooked and browned until it’s almost crispy and then we add back in the sausage and Brandon brings over the frying pan to one of the slow cookers and he adds it together.

Okay that tomato sauce he made smells like absolute heaven, like really long slow cooked heaven. I don’t know what’s in it but the only thing that I know is well tomato and little bits of onion.

He mixes the two together and turns the heat down to let it simmer and like have the flavors meld together and he’s got the pasta on a tea towel draped over the back of one of the chair stools and he’s got that Brandon half grin as he goes for the other stuff.

He has what looks like those small juice cans and he wraps the eggroll wrap around them corner to corner and fastens them together with a bit of egg white and then he’s mixing maple syrup with five spice in a bowl and then he’s mixing the whipping cream with some sugar and vanilla and sugar and the mascarpone cheese and the marshmallow fluff to make the filling which he lets me lick the beaters and it’s really good like a sort of cheesecakey thing that’s really rich but it’s rich in a good way and it has hints of the vanilla and marshmallow in it.

“Oh that’s going to make me jog a lot.”

He does that little chuckle. “You worry too much about your weight.”

“Yeah well I’m a girl we do that y’know and I’m not a teenager either so I’m slowing down too; and hormones make it harder to keep weight off.”

He gives me that raised eyebrow look. “You’re woman Sam not a girl you are allowed to look like a woman and not some college freshman.”

I give him a raspberry and he looks at me. “Save it for Cass.”

Okay that made me blush; he’s good at catching me with stuff like that.

I sort of watch as he takes out the eggroll wrappers from the deep fryer and then while they’re still hot he uses a basting brush to paint them with the five spice and maple syrup mixture and he then lets them cool off and he makes a quick half dozen of these things and then puts the pasta on to quickly cook.

Okay I’m not a fresh pasta person, it’s just I’ve never really had it much since I always grew up with the dried stuff and that was spaghetti and macaroni and the odd lasagna now and then.

It cooks way faster than I thought it would and it goes from the water to the fry pan we did the meat in and he gives it a toss and then adds the meat sauce that we made and he gets a really big dish for it and he passes me a grater and a block of cheese.

“You grate how much you want on it and I’ll fill the cannoli.”

“That sounds dirty.”

He looks at me and his mouth does that little twitch before he laughs.

I’m really glad that I’m here.

I grate the cheese and he gets the cannoli filled and he has some garlic bread in the oven that he’d been keeping warmed and we settle in actually talk, a little music in the background but we talk about the trip down there and what it felt like getting back into a chopper and into nursing like that again and the diner.

Which kind of has us both talking of places we’ve been and ex-pat places that we’ve been to and the stuff that he’s planning with the farm here and a few people he’s been talking to like having more horses but like rescue horses and then maybe having people willing to work with him and donate time and stuff coming in too or even the possibility of therapy horses.

And then there’s the actual farming stuff with him putting in a big produce garden here and starting everything in the greenhouse and maybe doing things with the farmers market or maybe even a garden food co-op where families could come out and put in work in exchange for a discount on produce.

And maybe even having something online with like membership weekly deliveries, which would be cool really kind of like when dad used to say the milk trucks used to go around.

We actually talked to like Two A.M.

Which is just cool and it’s nice too, more than nice because it’s just us two hanging out and it really kind of lets me know just how close we still are which is a pretty close really considering everything that happened between him and Cass and I and how Cass and I got together and how much things really could’ve gone sideways.

And the food… The pasta was really, really good and other than this slight smoky pig I didn’t know the anchovies were even in there and the strong flavor of the venison went really well with all of the other things and the sauce didn’t turn out oily or greasy and the fresh pasta was really good.

But the dessert…he painted the maple stuff on and they were still screaming hot so they ended up candied and spiced but still really crispy…in the way that a really good wonton is…only maplely and with that almost Christmas like wintery hit from the five spice and then sweet and crunch and then all of that creamy cheesy but not cheesy marshmallow and vanilla hinted filling.

For a girl that didn’t want to put on extra pounds I had two.

And took the last one home.

Brandon ate three during the course of the night and talking and dishes.

I get home and I text Cass while getting ready for bed and actually getting ready for bed was well…slinky wear because I want to experiment with it by myself without feeling too foolish and I have a video on my laptop and one of our vibes and some help with the moisture issues.

It’s…it’s not a Cass thing it’s a me and the fixed real me taking some me time and slowly exploring myself and enjoying it.

Being my real self, exploring that part of myself and it’s amazing from start to my big finishes and after my second I’m panting and glowing and I clean things up and gather some of the blankets and slip them between my legs.

There’s more than a sort of finally feeling in the peace of things feeling right when I touch them or press into them without the wrong stuff in the way anymore.

It was easy to fall asleep smiling and think about my life and what’s coming ahead for me and actually looking forward to doing so much more than just surviving.