Then there were the times when I felt angry and frustrated at the least little thing. Was it normal for a boy, for regretfully I was one under my finery, to have such strange feelings?

 
 
Duality

By Susan Brown
 

I would like to thank Miss Jane Austen for the inspiration for this novella, which is based on a time prior to that which is described in Pride And Prejudice and involves a few of the characters in that great work.

There was a time when I was not as I am now and I hope that by telling my strange story, I can help others as others have helped me.

"A person who can write a long letter with ease, cannot write ill."

― Jane Austen.

---

 

Previously …

I was getting near the inn when I heard the sound of hooves coming from behind. As before, I went to the side of the road and waited for the horse and rider to pass, bowing my head, so as not to be recognised by anyone that I knew.

The horse went by and involuntarily, I looked up only to see that the mysterious man who had helped carry the coffin was the rider!

He glanced at me touched his finger to his hat and road on.

His clothes, his bearing and his horse, all gave me a feeling that this was someone of substance. I wondered what his involvement with my mother was; it could not be anything to do with my father’s work surely?

I recalled that my father had several rich and influential families that used his services, but I recalled none of them ever visited us in person to say change a wheel or have the horses hooves reshod. Servants, stable lads and suchlike carried out duties of that nature and in any case, my mother would not get involved with my fathers business. It was all very strange indeed.

And yet, there was something about the look of the man that struck a cord with me. I felt that somehow I knew him or perhaps recognised him, but I did not know where such recognition came from.

Just who was he?

And now the story continues…

I continued on and soon found myself back at the inn. Making my way to our room, I ordered some small beer, bread and some chicken, as I was somewhat hungry. I knew that my sister would be eating with our brothers and the rest of the mourners so I had no need to wait upon her.

The meal arrived sooner than expected and I was glad of that as I wished to be alone with my thoughts and did not want to be disturbed more than necessary.

I could not get out of my head the fact that my mother was gone. I recalled when Father died and I felt the same then. It is very hard for one to loose people that have been so central to ones life. I had been surprised at how many tears that I had shed over the past week or so. My emotions seemed to swing from one extreme to another. One moment I was unaccountably happy and the next sad,

Then there were the times when I felt angry and frustrated at the least little thing. Was it normal for a boy, for regretfully I was one under my finery, to have such strange feelings?

I did not know and I wondered if the doctor, should we be lucky to find one, could possibly tell me what my problems were. I know that Julia was concerned about me and my lack of growth and maturity, not forgetting the various aches and pains that I sometimes felt. Much as I loved being a girl, I had already faced the fact that it could not last forever and at some stage, sooner or later, I would start to mature as a male and then my whole life would change again and not, as far as I was concerned, for the better.

As I chewed on a rather tough piece of chicken my thoughts turned to that strange man once again. I wondered who he was and what connection he had to my dear mother.

No doubt my sister would know more about him after speaking with my brothers, but still, it was all a bit strange and mysterious…

After my rough meal, I was feeling rather fatigued and my belly ached slightly, so I sat in the fireside chair and was dozing when I heard the door open and my sister entered.

She removed her bonnet and cloak as she looked down at me.

‘How are you Georgiana, you look rather drained?’

‘I am well Julia; just a little tired that is all. How did it go after the funeral?’

‘As well as these things usually do. Our brothers asked after you. I hated to lie to them but there was no alternative. They think that you work at the manor as a male servant as you know. They were concerned over your supposed illness, but when I told them that it was not dangerous but just a heavy cold, they seemed satisfied.’

Strangely she coughed a few times then but seemed to recover quickly. I hoped that she wasn’t coming down with a cold.

‘Who was that man who helped carry Mother’s coffin?’ I asked.

‘That was a strange thing. He arrived at the last moment and insisted that he should be a pallbearer. He did not introduce himself and just said that he was an old friend of our parents. Our brothers had never seen him, nor I, so he remains a mystery as he did not stop after the funeral, as he said that he had urgent business elsewhere. My feeling is that he did not wish to converse with us regarding his connection to our family.’

‘I saw him as I walked back to the village, he touched his hat to me and smiled but did not stop.’

‘Strange; well he will have to remain ever mysterious then. I see that you have eaten?’

‘Yes, you do not mind? I assumed that you would have eaten with the others.’

‘There was enough to go around. One thing, Mrs Hammond came up to me and asked who you were. I feigned ignorance, but I understand that she comforted you in some way?’

‘Indeed she did. I told her that I was an estranged distant cousin, which was silly of me as, I should have said something like a family friend, but I was too upset to think clearly.’

‘I do not think that she realised that anything was amiss, Georgiana. We have both been under a strain lately. It was good that you were able to attend the funeral and pay your last respects. I am sure that Mother would have appreciated it and have been proud of her new daughter.’

‘So you do not think me just a boy dressed as a girl?’

‘There has always been something about you Georgiana. You never really looked in any way manly as you would readily agree. All I know is that you are my sweet and loving sibling and that, as far as I am concerned, you are now and will always be the dearest sister than anyone could possibly wish for.’

We embraced for some moments and I felt truly that I was now accepted for who I was — a girl.

We were to leave early the following morning and would be stopping off at the nearest town to visit a doctor. Julia had taken the vicar aside and asked him if he knew a good physician that could help her with womanly problems. Of course, the good vicar did not, out of delicacy, probe her further as to what ailment she might have, but he did give the name and address of an esteemed doctor who might be of assistance.

The next morning we up and ready quite early for the journey to Temworth where Doctor Stone held his practice. We dearly hoped that the good doctor was available, as we had no opportunity to make a prior appointment with him.

As we went on our journey of some twenty miles, I fell into something of a reverie. Julia, who was fatigued due to lack of sleep the previous night and a few fits of coughing, was slumbering in the seat opposite me. Luckily for once, we were the only passengers in the coach and four and I was truly grateful for the privacy that afforded.

My thoughts flitted from one thing to another, My mother and father, my rather unique situation, what the doctor might say when we saw him and explained our concerns, if we were lucky enough to be able to see him, that is. Then there was the strange man at the funeral. Who was he and what connection did he have to Mama?

Eventually, I fell into a fitful sleep and before I knew it, we had arrived at our destination.

We were able to leave our baggage at the inn, where later we would have a meal before continuing our journey home.

After making enquiries, we were told that the inn was but a short walking distance to Doctor Stone’s rooms. I must admit to being somewhat overwhelmed at the number of people in the town and the hustle and bustle. I had been brought up in rural locations where there were few people compared to this.

There were horses, carts, carriages and many people thronging the streets. It did not help that it was market day and so there were animals like sheep, pigs and cows being walked down the road and in pens.

The smell was somewhat unpleasant also, where much of the effluent flowed sluggishly in gutter channels at the side of the road where, I assumed they led to the river. Then there was the horse and other animal dung that had to be avoided, easier said than done. It was not pleasant and the only good thing was that it was not a hot day.

The rather unpleasant sensations took my mind off my worries temporarily and all too soon, we arrived at our destination.

Doctor Stone’s rooms were in an impressively large town house on three levels. We knocked on the door and waited a few moments. The door was opened by a manservant.

‘May I be of assistance?’ he asked politely.

‘We do not have an appointment, but my sister is in need of an urgent consultation if Doctor Stone is available. Our names are Julia and Georgiana Digby.’

The man servant looked past us, perhaps expecting up to be accompanied by someone older and then said, ‘If you would like to follow me, I will see if the doctor is available.’

We were lucky in some ways as we spoke and dressed quite well and that gave the illusion of gentility and appearances far above our real station as servants. This was due in part, to the fact that we had been brought up by our mother who had, so we understood by implication, come from a family of some means. She had been cut off from her family on marrying our father, a man whose only crime was to be a blacksmith.

We were led into what was obviously some sort of waiting room with several chairs dotted about.

I had been worried about how we were to pay the doctor, but my sister told me not to concern myself about that.

For some minutes we waited. I was on tenterhooks that he might see us and even that he might not. I had seen doctors before and I had been told that I was a delicate child. I had had various illnesses and many were put down to growing pains, a delicate stomach or influenza and such like. I felt that most of the doctors had little idea as to what had been wrong with me and were only interested in their fee.

If he did see us, then perhaps he would be like other doctors and say the same things as they did. Perhaps I was being unkind and he did know his business better than others and then he might cast a light about what was happening to me and why I apparently was not growing as I should.

The other side of the coin was that he might not see me and then I would put off receiving unpleasant news. I was well aware of my mother recent death, the lumps in her body and the pain that she suffered. Perhaps I had lumps in my body and I might also have such a horrible and deadly illness.

As you can imagine, dear reader, I was working myself up into a frenzy and it was only the fact that Julia came over and sat by me, holding my hand, that gave me some sort of comfort and eased my somewhat troubled mind.

The door opened and the manservant came in.

‘The doctor will see you. You are lucky that he has a cancellation and has some free time. Please follow me.’

We were led out of the room, along a short corridor and then shown into what was obviously a consulting room.

Sitting behind a desk was a tall thin gentleman with silver hair. He stood up as soon as we came in and walked over to us.

‘Good afternoon ladies,’ he said shaking our hands rather firmly, ‘how may I help you?’

‘Can I ask,’ said Julia, ‘if this consultation will be confidential, as it is of a rather delicate nature.’

‘Let me assure you that anything said in here will remain secret and that I will not divulge any information to a third party, such as a colleague without your prior permission and approval, but you both look healthy enough young ladies although you, my dear,’ he said looking at me, ‘seem a trifle pale.’

I looked at Julia and she nodded reassuringly.

We were ushered into seats and Doctor Stone sat behind his desk.

‘Doctor, I am not as I seem.’

‘I do not understand…’

‘Please let me explain. I…I…I am in fact a boy.’

His rather bushy eyebrows rose at that comment but he said nothing except, ‘please continue.’

I told him everything, holding nothing back, finally explaining why I was now dressed as a girl and our concern that I was not growing as I should be.

He asked a number of questions such as my age, how well I ate and suchlike. He did not mention the status of my employment for which I was grateful.

“I will need to examine you. Do you wish this done in private, or perhaps with my wife, who assists me on occasion, or your sister present?’

‘Can my sister stay?’

‘Of course; please go behind the curtain in the corner and remove all your clothing and put on the robe that is on the hook. I regret that this type of examination can be rather embarrassing and somewhat invasive, but I need to know what is going on and that is the only way that can be done,’

I did as he requested, fumbling with the small buttons on my dress, as my hands were shaking. This was it, the time when I would hopefully find out what was wrong with me. I dreaded the possibility of finding lumps like Mama had.

All to soon I had divested myself of my clothes and had put on the robe, a simple white cotton garment tied in the front with thin ribbons.

I came out from behind the curtain.

‘Please come and lie on the examination table,’ said the doctor in a kind voice that helped allay some of my fears.

My sister came over and held my hand when I had lain down and that was of some comfort. I had no qualms about my sister seeing me in such a state of undress as she had seen me enough times before, but the doctor, that was different somehow.

At the doctors’ request, I undid the ribbons and pulled apart the robe and then he could see me fully.

I looked at his face, trying to gauge what he was thinking, but his feature remained impassive. Was he revolted or sickened by my body? I could not tell by his face.

He poked and prodded me in my stomach and groin area and then he felt my chest on and around my nipples. I gasped at that, as they were both a little tender, sore and somewhat puffy.

Then he once again, in more detail looked at my groin area, asking if I was in any pain. I replied that it was a little uncomfortable and I admitted that I had felt some pain the previous night but none that day.

The doctor looked at my tongue and then said that my teeth were in a surprisingly good condition. Finally after some more prodding and poking, he asked me to get dressed again.

My sister helped me to get dressed and we were soon sitting down awaiting his views about what might be wrong with me. My heart was pounding, as I was afraid of what he might say. Once again my sister held my hand as the doctor sat and wrote copious notes at his desk and looked at a few rather large books.

‘Well erm Georgiana, your tale was an intriguing one. I have examined you fully and found a number of things that interest me…

‘Have I got lumps like my Mama had?’ I blurted out, despite myself.

He smiled.

‘No, nothing like that, but by coming to me you realised that something is not quite right. I need to speak of things that might embarrass you both and for that I apologise. Georgiana, I have examined you fully and although I am no expert on the matter, indeed there are few that are, I have concluded that you are neither male or female but there are indications that you are more a girl than a boy. Does that shock you?’

‘I did wonder as I am unlike any boy I have ever known. I am small, somewhat weak compared to boys of my age and do not have the same interests as the boys I know and to my knowledge I have always felt like an outsider.’

‘I can understand how you feel. Having examined you, I find that your scrotum or sack is empty and has no testicles. In addition to this your penis is little more than a nub. Do you find it difficult to use it?

‘Yes, I fear that I sometimes make something of a mess,’ I said rather embarrassed at discussing the subject.

My sister rather reassuringly squeezed my hand as the doctor continued.

‘I feared so. Look, I do not know how much you know about the differences between the male and the female parts?’

I blushed. My sister had given me details about the differences and of course I had seen farm animals and many horses.

‘I am aware of the differences, sir.’

‘Good, that makes it somewhat easier to explain. I believe that your penis is actually a somewhat enlarged clitoris, which a female part. In addition to this, there is some indication of female organs beneath the skin. That information together with the pains you have been having and your tender and enlarged breast tissue, all lead me to the fact that you are essentially a girl…’

‘Are you sure doctor?’ asked my sister.

‘As sure as I can be without opening her up,’ replied the doctor, far too calmly for my liking.

‘So Doctor, what does all this mean to me?’ I asked.

‘Well, you probably feel that you have been misleading your masters regarding your feminine status, but, on balance, you are far more girl than you ever were a boy,’

‘Am I not ill then?’

‘You are different but not ill in the normal sense. Some children are born where it is not clear whether they are male or female and it is normally decided to call that child a girl or a boy depending on what appears that they mostly resemble. Mistakes are made and I feel that this happened to you. You say that you have been sickly since you were very young?’

‘Yes Doctor.’

‘I am somewhat surprised that your doctors did not query your status, but is sometimes far from clear in a baby.’

‘Are you saying that Georgiana is a girl?’

‘If I had been present at the birth, I would have said that on balance, Georgiana should be treated as a girl and not be brought up as a boy.’

‘And what of me now sir, will I become sick?’

‘I am no expert, but you should grow as a normal girl does. You will, of course not be able to have children or normal relations with men, but your breasts will grow and your shape become even more feminine than it is at present.’

‘What of the pains?’

‘Just growing pains…’

‘Doctor, what of her menses?’

‘Oh, as far as I have read, a child in Georgiana condition will not be troubled by that and she should be thankful for that!’

He laughed as if he had just made some sort of witty jest, but I did not think it very funny. I knew how much Julia suffered at certain times of the month.

We left the doctor after paying him one guinea. A lot of money, but he had, to some extent, put my mind to rest and confirmed what I had suspected for some time, that I was never really a boy called George. He told us to see him again if my pains got too much to bear, although the practicality of returning for a consultation was slim as the distance we were from The Manor was too great.

At The Royal Oak where we had left our luggage, we discussed, over some bread and rather hard cheese what we had discovered at Doctor Stone’s. At approximately two o’clock the carriage would arrive that would take us to our final stop before arriving home tomorrow.

‘Well Georgiana, what do you feel about the news that you have been given?’

‘Strange, I supposed that all this dressing as a girl was to end at some point when I became more manly. This will not be happening now and that means that I can stay at The Manor without the possibility of discovery. The only thing that saddens me is that I cannot have a child, as a man or woman.’

‘There are many men that cannot father children and barren women too who cannot have children. Also, being in service means that opportunities of that nature are few and far between for such as us.’

‘I realise that, but it would have been nice to experience what others can have. Anyway, enough sadness; I am to stay at The Manor and for that I am so happy and I am a girl too. We can be together and be as happy as we can be!’

Julia smiled at me and shook her head.

‘Ever the optimist Georgiana. Our way of life and the duties that we have to perform, as you know, are not easy.’

‘Yes I know, dear Julia, but look at how fortunate we are compared to the paupers on the street and those that live in housing barely fit for humans. We should thank God for allowing us to be so lucky.’

Julia just smiled sadly and looked as if she was going to say something else and then we were being called, for the coach and four had arrived and we needed to make haste.

We arrived at the inn later that day as the sun was dipping below the horizon. It was the same is as the one we had used on our outward journey and we had the same room as before.

Both of us were very tired from our journey and after a small supper, we went to bed without further discussion of what had transpired that day. Indeed, there was not much more that could have been said as we had both concluded that I was, for all intents and purposes, a girl and I would be for the rest of my life. I hoped that the pains in my body, specifically in my belly, would stop when I finally finished growing and maturing. I would have to put up with them as I assumed every other female in the world had to do so since Adam and Eve.

The following morning I was feeling much better and it was easy to forget the pains of the previous day. I was in a state close to euphoria remembering what had been told to me by the good doctor on the previous day. Julia though seemed to be quite and introspective. Her cough had developed a bit more overnight and it had drained her somewhat, leaving her pale and listless.

I did what I could to cheer her up, my euphoria draining away as quickly as it had come on awaking that morning. It was obvious to me that she had picked up a cold, probably from the town visit yesterday or sometime on our journey. Her forehead was a little hot and I hoped that the trip home would not fatigue her too much. We should, I hoped, be home by late in the afternoon and then she could go to bed early so that hopefully she would be all right for work on the morrow.

Unfortunately, the coach was crammed and the journey was, at times, most disagreeable, as it had started to rain and the roads became somewhat muddy and even treacherous in places. Julia thankfully slept through most of the journey, when she was not coughing. I could feel the heat from her through the muslin of my dress as she laid her head on my lap when the coach became less crowded.

I became very anxious for my dear sister and wished that the journey would end as soon as it ever could.

---

 
To Be Continued?

For those readers who may query some of the medical side of things in this chapter, please note the period that is being written about and that fact that I am not a medical expert.

Please leave comments and kudos, if you have time...thanks!

* The portrait is reputedly of Jane Austen at the age of 13, painted in 1789. The painter is unknown. I would like to think that Georgiana looks like this.

Sorry about the delay in posting. I have a lot of real life things going on at the moment. I hope to post more in the future.