Christmas time can be stress filled for everyone but that is especially true for Steve as he spends his first holiday away from home. Emotions rise as the big day approaches as he tries to find his place in the world with the help of Sandy, Kristy, and Marjorie. Will he be able to handle it?

Chapter 16

Steve noted Sandy wasn't driving to her Mom's house. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Sandy winked.

Steve shook his head. “No way! Another surprise? Haven't I had enough of those for one day?”

Sandy shrugged, “It’s not like that. I’m taking you to the halfway house. It’s only a matter of time before you do something to wreck your hair or makeup and Mom and Kristy would kill me if I didn’t take you to see them before that happened.”

Steve stifled a yawn. That made sense but it had already been a long day. Only the excitement kept him going. He placed a hand on his chest and felt a strange comfort in the new small mounds he found there. Without thinking he started to press a finger on the 'nipple' which surprised him again how much it seemed like a real breast. He pressed a bit harder and felt the inward pressure on his skin real skin underneath which gave him an odd thrill. He continued caressing himself until he realized the car had stopped. He looked over to Sandy who was staring at him.

“Do I need to give you some alone time?”

Steve smiled, “Thanks for the present. I didn’t realize how much I wanted them. Actually I didn’t really want them. I knew about them but always thought the idea was a bit silly. I can’t describe the feeling but it’s like they are a part of me and makes me feel more like…” Steve paused as if unsure if he say the next part out loud.

“Like a woman?” Sandy said.

“Yeah. Like a woman. It really feels great. Really great. You know what I mean?”

Sandy shrugged, “A little but then I’ve always had these,” and she pointed to her chest.

“True, well … thanks for the great gift.”

Sandy smiled, “Ready to go inside?”

“Yep.”

The Canaday House looked to Steve like something you might have seen a century ago judging by the size and style. As they walked up the steps Sandy explained it was named for a 16 year old prostitute whose death had created a local sensation.

The entryway was open and two staircases wound around the sides of the room to landing on the second floor. Steve saw Kristy standing at the top of the stairs but she seemed to be busy talking to someone. Sandy told him to wait while she went to find her mom but Steve decided to test Kristy's reaction by sneaking up the steps and listening in to Kristy's conversation.

Kristy noted Steve's arrival and she gave him a few quick glances over the next minute as she discussed meal plans with the other person that Steve assumed was the house cook. The glances became a stare as Kristy turned to face him, “Do I know?...” then her frustration turned to excitement, “Holy shit Sara! I really didn’t recognize you! I love the hair.”

Steve ran one hand through to the back of his head, “It’s a lot different that’s for sure.”

“Well I approve.”

A voice came in from down below, “Me too.” Steve looked down and said his Aunt standing in the waiting area. “Come down here so I can get a better look.” Steve did as ordered and stood in front of his Aunt.

“Simply amazing Sara. That haircut is darling and I love the color. Sandy said you went all out today.”

Steve said, “Well the color is supposed to fade by the time I go back to school or Viv told me she’d give me a touchup. I figured what the hell? I can also pull the hair back behind my ears or tie it into a ponytail like normal so it looks a lot more masculine so it’s not that daring.”

Aunt Marjorie asked, “Are those acrylic nails?”

“Gel with extensions.”

She nodded, “That’s a nice touch.”

“Like you said last night. I might as well take a few risks during this holiday. I’ve always wanted long nails like this but never could do it at school. Now I’m thinking it was a huge mistake because my hands are pretty much useless as I keep stabbing things.”

Marjorie laughed and held up her own hands, “You get used to them. Speaking of risks, are you up for another today?”

Steve's defenses came up immediately. “What now?”

Aunt Marjorie laughed, “I got invited to dinner tonight and I was stopping by to pick up Kristy but I thought you might like to join us? No pressure but I’m meeting some of my colleagues at a fancy restaurant downtown. I know it will be a bit out of your comfort range but I promise you the food there is simply amazing.”

“I don’t know. What if they figure me out?”

“They might but I want you to consider something. People are used to seeing me with people from the various LBGT communities and I doubt anyone would say a thing. If they do … do you really care? Other than the people you’ve met in the last day do you really know anyone in this town or care what they think?”

Steve considered her words and gave a slow nod, “That’s an interesting way to put it. Can you at least try to make sure we are in the back part of the room?”

Aunt Marj gave a reassuring smile, “I’ll try. “

Steve could see just how effective his aunt was at getting people to do things they might not like. She was a natural born politician but would have let her talent go to waste if she'd stayed back home.

Steve said, “Then I’ll do it.” He added. “I think you and Sandy should go into sales.”

Marjorie held firm, “I wouldn't ask if I thought it was too much.”

Steve gave a weak smile.

His aunt put her arm around Steve and gave him a hug. “It’ll be ok. Go get your cousin. We have reservations at 7pm at Franklin’s. She knows where it is.”

Steve searched around the lobby which was the last place he'd seen Sandy. There were a few people milling but none of them were his cousin. Since he was pretty sure that Sandy had to leave by this exit Steve decided to wait there.

The room was filled with posters with cliched inspirational sayings like “Don't Do Drugs!” or “Education is Important!” or “It Gets Better!” He had little interest in those but he felt himself drawn to the familiar looking poster of a cute cheerleader's holding two pom-poms.

The caption read 'Ashley Canaday'.

A series of nearby photos told her story. She'd been a popular girl at a local school and the series of reproductions even included a copy of her report card where she'd been a consistent honor roll student. The next series of photos showed an older looking girl but you could see it was still Ashley if you looked close as the wig and dark heavy makeup made her look years older. Steve couldn't help but be entranced by her eyes that told the tale of someone that had seen and done things that no one, especially a teenager, should have to experience. The last of the series was of newspaper clippings that told of her untimely end.

'Jane Doe Found under the Center Street Bridge'

'Body identified as local honor roll student'

'Canaday House Opens'

The last was a picture of two middle aged people cutting the ribbon opening the house. Steve noticed his aunt and a much younger looking Sandy standing next to them.

He heard a voice. “We were the same age. The two people holding the scissors are Ashley's parents who kicked her out of the house when they caught her stealing to pay for her drug habit. Talk about guilt.”

Steve turned to see his cousin standing next to him. He asked, “How'd she die?”

Sandy said, “No one knows for sure. Drugs? Drowning? Suicide? Murder? The medical examiner couldn't be certain though she had enough drugs inside her to kill a normal person. The official cause of death was drowning. The weird thing was there wasn't any trauma you'd find from someone who jumped from a bridge. Does anyone wade into the water to kill themselves? It was a mystery and the local media couldn't get enough of the story.”

Steve nodded. He didn't follow much news but thought he might have heard something.

Sandy added, “Mom used the outrage to get support to fund this place.”

“It's a shame.”

“Yes it was. I remember it well as I became part of Mom's entourage whenever she spoke on the subject. You never know what will capture the public's fancy as I've seen many similar deaths since that no one noticed.”

Steve nodded though he knew that wasn't true. The mysterious death of a cute, young, white female? Add in the cheerleading picture that could catch people's attention on the evening news? That will always sucker the public every time. His aunt was smart to use it to help other people.

Steve turned to face his cousin and noticed someone else standing there.

Sandy said, “Steve, I’d like you to meet Trudy. She lives here. We hung out a lot over the summer.”

Like most of the kids here, Steve found it difficult to place Trudy's age. She looked about twenty but figured she was much younger as everyone he'd seen had lost most of their innocence years before. “Nice to meet you Trudy.”

Trudy gave him an odd look as he spoke which he realized was probably due to his deep voice. He really needed to start working on that.

Trudy gave a shy wave. “Hi.” She paused for a moment before adding. “Sara.”

Steve ignored his embarrassment and changed the subject, “Sandy, do you know a place called Franklin's? Your mom wants us to meet her there for dinner at 7pm and I need your help before we go there.”

Sandy nodded, “I know it well. See you later Trudy?”

Trudy waved, “See you later. Nice to meet you Sara.”

Steve walked with Sandy to the car. “So what’s up?”

“Well I agreed to go to dinner but I’m a bit freaked and I want your honest opinion. Can I pass in public?”

Sandy said, “After what we did today? There’s no doubt in my mind if someone saw you from across a room they’d never be able to tell without someone telling them. Up close someone might think you look a bit masculine but not enough to say anything. The rest is just attitude.”

“But what about my mannerisms? I mean I’ve never thought about how a girl acts in public.”

“That’s a problem but don’t worry too much because you are naturally effeminate, no offense. The only advice I can give you is to make sure you suck in your belly, cross your legs and sit up straight. Other than that, I’d say just make sure to act as proper as you can and not draw attention to yourself. For instance eating a half a pancake in two bites would be a good example.”

Steve laughed, “Touché.”

“Make sure when you walk you move more with your hips. You have a tendency to stomp your feet. When you are moving think about taking smaller steps and try to glide across a room instead. Above everything be confident as people notice nervousness. That might cause them to look closer.”

“I’m starting to feel this is a really bad idea.”

“Nah you’ll be fine but we do need to work on your voice.”

Steve said, “Yeah. I think I freaked Trudy out.”

“Trudy? Nah. That girl has seen it all. Some of the things we did last summer...” Sandy stopped herself. “Nevermind... you do have a natural high pitched voice but girl’s voices are even higher. There’s no way we can do much now so I’d say just make sure you speak so your voice is a bit thinner. Let’s practice a bit by reading back to each other.”

Sandy picked up a magazine and started reading and Steve read it back to her. “That was too high. You sound like Alvin the Chipmunk. Just move up a note or two on the scale if you can and not so much bass in your voice.”

Steve read it back again. “That was better but still sounded a bit fake.”

Steve sighed, “I’m never going to be able to do this.”

“Don't worry about it. Just speak a bit quieter and with only the top of your vocal chords.”

Steve tried.

Sandy said, “Meh. It’s a bit better but you still need a lot of work. Maybe we will just tell them you’ve been chainsmoking for years,”

Sandy laughed.

“I don’t know Sandy. I’m starting to have second thoughts. Your mom made it sound so inviting.”

Sandy said, “Well she is a politician. She has to convince people to do things they aren’t sure they want to do every day.”

Steve buried his face in his hands. “Do you think I should try?”

“Of course I do. I go with mom all the time to Franklin’s Steakhouse and she loves to take kids from the halfway house. She says it’s show the kids how the other half lives but I think she also does it to show the work her projects are accomplishing. Every time we’ve gone I swear there’s always a politician or two in the place.”

“Great. So people will be expecting me to be either a drug addict or a runaway.”

“Probably. I have a question for you. How serious are you about cross-dressing? I mean what’s the point?”

“I’m not sure. That’s a really tough question.”

“Well you need to figure it out but in the meantime why not experience everything you can? One thing I guarantee is Mom will protect you.”

Steve gave up. “Oh all right.”

“Ready to go?”

Steve nodded and Sandy started the car then headed downtown.

They arrived ten minutes early and found a place to park on the street. As Steve exiting Sandy reminded him, “Speak softly but remember to glide and be confident.”

Steve laughed at the thought, “OK, now you are making me sound like a gay Teddy Roosevelt.”

Sandy returned the laugh. “Only you would think that.”

Steve focused on what Sandy had said and he walked toward the restaurant with Sandy following close behind. She whispered, “Much better,” but Steve ignored her and walked to the front entrance.

Sandy said, “We are a bit early so we should wait for Mom out here.” Steve grabbed a cigarette from his purse without realizing it. Sandy gave a jealous look and whispered, “You are doing it wrong.”

“Huh?”

“You are smoking like a guy. Give it to me.”

“Aren’t you worried about your mom?”, and passed her the cigarette.

“She’s always a bit late. See it’s more like this.” Sandy held the cigarette closer to her fingertips and not as firmly by the base. Sandy took a drag. “See it’s a bit more feminine this way. You aren’t far off.”

“Are you sure you didn’t do that just to bum a cigarette?”

“Maybe a little. It’s going to be a long dinner. Can I show you once more?”

Steve smiled and passed it back to her. She took a long drag and held it in then exhaled.

“That needs to hold me until we leave.”

The next few minutes Sandy gave pointers as they came to mind while they waited for her Mom. A few minutes after 7:00 her car pulled up and she passed the keys to the valet.

“Have you guys been waiting long?”

“Nah. Got here about ten minutes ago.” Steve crushed the remainder of his cigarette under his shoe and Marjorie looked at him.

“Ready to go in?”

“Let’s do this before I change my mind.”

The restaurant was packed and Steve was thankful for the dim lighting. Marjorie approached the desk and after few moments wait, a server appeared and escorted them from the room. As they walked through the room, Steve was nervous as he felt dozens of eyes glance in his direction but he kept telling himself to stay confident while attempting to take girlish steps in his 2-inch heels. He thought he was doing a good job when the waitress slowed near the back of the room and pointed to a table with 8 seats and 4 current occupants. Marjorie got to the table first and everyone rose to meet her.

Marjorie started, “Hello everyone.” Then looked at Sara and Sandy. “I’d like you to introduce you to Councilman Rich Williams and his wife Judy along with his aide Cindy Robertson and her husband Tom. Rich and I work together on city council.”

A tall man with jet-black hair walked to where Steve and Sandy were standing. “A pleasure,” then shook both their hands then as he returned to his seat, “I’ve heard all about you Sandy. How’s nursing school these days?”

“Not bad. Home for the winter break.”

Rich turned to Steve. “And what do you do?”

Marjorie interjected, “Sara is a longtime friend of Sandy’s just visiting for the holidays.”

Rich took a long look at Steve and said, “I see. Where are you from?”

Marjorie started to say something but Steve went first. Steve tried to think to speak with a slightly higher lilt to his voice but wasn’t sure how effective it was. “I go to State. I’m studying economics.”

Rich Williams gave a thoughtful look then replied, “Econ major. Too much math for me. I was a Poly Sci major as an undergrad. Enjoy college while you can. It was the best time of my life.”

Steve felt a bit uncomfortable and gave a simple, “It certainly has its moments.”

Rich’s wife interrupted, “Don’t embarrass the girl.” Steve looked up at the comment and hoped that no one noticed his smile when Judy used a feminine reference.

“Sorry. It is a habit from the job. The more you know the more votes you can get. Not all of us have the luxury of a guaranteed spot on the council,” and smiled at Marjorie.

Aunt Marj smiled back, “Nothing is sure in politics as you well know. Shall we order appetizers?”

The dinner proceeded without a hitch as Steve quietly ate his dinner and listened to the conversation that mostly drifted between the three co-workers. As Steve ate his steak, he found he had to agree with his aunt that the food was certainly worth it. He pretended to listen to the conversation but focused on the position of his hands and feet while trying to keep good posture. The latter was a bit uncomfortable because he had always been a bit of a sloucher and because it felt like he was trying to show off his new “breasts”. They weren’t very big but over time it seemed the weight pulled on his bra straps which made his back hurt a little though he found the better his posture the less it hurt. Then there was the fact that as he was struggling to relearn to use a fork and knife with his new fingernails. The worst part was he kept bumping his breast with his forearm and the periodic pressure was a constant reminder. As they finished the main course without incident Steve was pleased as it seemed to have gone as well as could be expected.

As they finished Steve watched an older gentleman approach, “Marjorie, Rich, I didn’t know you were coming here tonight or I would have invited you to my table.”

Steve looked at the man in the expensive suit and a smile to match. He walked around the table and greeted everyone by name. When he got to Steve he said, “I don’t believe we have met.” Again Marjorie interjected and said, “Mayor Jackson, this is Sara, a friend of Sandy’s that is visiting for the holidays.”

The mayor smiled and said, “Pleased to me you Sara.” Steve responded with a quiet 'nice to meet you'.

A small crowd had gathered to watch the proceeding and the mayor motioned to a man standing nearby to join them. “Pete, why don’t you take our picture?” He then motioned for everyone to move to his side of the table. Before Steve knew what was happening someone shouted, “Everyone smile!” Steve attempted to smile as the flash temporarily blinded him. Within seconds the mayor had moved on to the next table.

Rich and Marjorie started laughing when the mayor got out of earshot and Rich spoke first, “You’ve all just seen a fine example of politicking. No doubt he will use that picture for a campaign somewhere.”

Marjorie added, “No doubt it will be used in my district as an example of his close support for the LGBT community even though I always have to twist his arm for funding.”

Sandy just looked at Steve with a grin and said, “I hope I didn’t have food in my teeth.”

Everyone gave a dutiful laugh.

Rich added, “Actually you all look quite lovely tonight. I’m sure the picture was fine.”

It didn't take long to finish their drinks and then everyone said their goodbyes. Steve walked self-conscious through the room hoping no one would notice but the mayor's presence seemed to be a gravitational force of its own. The restaurant’s attention was wholly fixed on him so Steve made a quick exit with Sandy close behind. When they made it to a spot no one could see them Steve lit a cigarette and handed another to Sandy. They stood next to the car while they finished.

Sandy said, “That went pretty well I thought.”

“You think anyone knew?”

“It wouldn’t surprise me if a few wondered but I bet more than a few thought you were hot.”

Steve blushed, “It wasn’t that bad but I’m not sure I could ever get used to it.”

Sandy said, “Well this is your girl’s holiday. I’d say we’ve had a pretty good start.”

“No doubt.”

Steve was in his room watching TV when he heard a phone ring. A few minutes later he heard Aunt Marj knock on his door.

She entered, “I have some … interesting news.”

Steve’s eyes perked in response.

Marjorie continued, “The person on the phone wanted to know your name.”

That made Steve nervous, “Why?”

“It seems that picture with the mayor was passed to the Herald and they are running it in tomorrow’s Local section of the paper.” She passed him her laptop that had an email opened. In the middle of the page was a picture of the group with the caption –

'Mayor Jackson enjoying a holiday meal with some of his constituents. Also pictured Councilman Williams and wife Judy, Councilman Robinson with Kristy Butler, Tom and Cindy Robertson, and Sandy Robinson with friend Sara Keltaine.'

Steve looked at the picture and didn’t recognize himself at first. Then a thought crossed his mind that his outside matched his inside. As he stared he noticed the name change. “Sara Keltaine?”

“I thought I’d give you an alias just in case someone back home reads this. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I can’t believe my picture is in the paper.”

Kristy had joined and said, “It looks quite cute. I don’t see how anyone could recognize you.”

Marjorie added, “I’m sorry Sara if this makes you uncomfortable.”

Steve shook his head. “It’s ok I guess. I hardly recognize me. It would be really tough for someone to know unless they were told.”

Marjorie nodded, “Have I told you how proud I am about how well you are taking this?”

Steve nodded, “Honestly Aunt Marjorie, you guys have been great. I haven't felt this relaxed in a long time. I usually struggle to get to sleep but I'm finding I can barely keep my eyes open when it's time for bed.”

“Then sleep well and have pleasant dreams.”

Steve undressed and stared at the stark contrast below the neckline of his naked body. On impulse he opened the box where he'd put the breast forms and retrieved the instruction manual. After a few practice attempts Steve used the medical adhesive spray to fix the forms to his chest. It only took a few minutes for the glue to set and when he released them he felt a slight tug on his skin as gravity took over and it gave him a thrill. He returned to the standing mirror to get a better look and while he knew the room wasn't well lit, Steve could have swore the edges on the forms had blended into his skin. He jumped so he could again feel the weight moving on his chest. Two dark aureoles stood out from the rest of his body.

'That's better.'

Steve crawled into bed a few minutes later. As he drifted to sleep his arms were crossed firmly over his chest, his smile a fixture on his face.

Chapter 17

The days flew by as Steve and Sandy helped his aunt get ready for the holiday. The preparations were certainly more intense than the lazy days back home. Steve learned that when Marjorie had first bought the house she started a neighborhood tradition of putting out an open invitation on Christmas Eve to anyone that had nowhere else to go. Marjorie explained that she did it initially to cope with her loneliness during the holidays but now it served a different purpose of bringing the community together. It was her way of giving back. Steve had the cynical thought that it probably didn’t hurt her in the voter’s booth either.

Aunt Marjorie explained that as the neighborhood grew, her Christmas celebration grew as well. It didn't take long for it to be too big to fit inside a house which is why they moved it to the rec center. Kristy, Steve, and Sandy made countless trips for supplies all over town and due to the nature of the work, Steve wasn’t able to wear outfits or makeup that could better hide the obvious signs of his genetics. He worried about it at first but as he lost himself in his labors he realized that strangers didn't seem to care.

'Was the real issue inside him?'

As the crowds gathered on Christmas Eve, Steve sat at the main table with his Aunt dressed in an outfit that Sandy helped picked out for the occasion. The festivities commenced with the lighting of the Christmas tree and afterward Marjorie thanked everyone for coming,

“Christmas can be a tough time for those of us who for whatever reason can’t be with our loved ones. I started this tradition a few years ago when I realized how much I had come to hate this holiday. I saw people all over the world getting together with their families and I missed it. I like to think of this community as my family so I welcome each one of my family members to the Village’s Fifth Annual Christmas celebration. This past year has been a happy one for me as we were able to secure funding through a mix of public and private donations so the Canaday House and the neighborhood Public Health Clinic should be around for a long time to come.”

The applause grew to a standing ovation as it seemed the crowd was letting out a lifetime of frustration at once. When everything quieted Aunt Marjorie continued, “I have been blessed to have found someone like Kristy to be by side and help me through the trying times we all have in life. I have been further blessed to have my daughter Sandy with me for the holiday along with a new addition to my family, my niece Sara.”

Steve followed Sandy’s lead and raised his hand at the mention of his name.

“I’m sure you are all hungry but before we start I’d like Reverend Mark to lead us in prayer.”

Steve noticed an older man at their table stand and his eyes pierced the crowd until it grew silent and he knew he had everyone's attention.

“There can be no clarity, no affection, no honesty, no real exuberance for the holiday without facing the harder truths. After all, hope is the theme of this season, remember. And hope is not cheap optimism, which is often just a cowardly sense of entitlement, but rather, hope is the mainspring of a life that neither denies the past nor romances the future.

But it seems to me that hope in the midst of hard reality is the purpose of the Christmas story. Luke tells a story of poverty, heavy taxes, and a difficult family situation which is hardly a pretty tale for children all dolled up with pink bows. Birth itself is not an easy thing….ask any woman. …especially back in those days. The shepherds in the story may have had a wondrous experience, but from all we know about the shepherds of ancient times, their reputation wasn’t much better than a gang of modern thugs. They were not the kind of folks anyone would want crowding into their maternity room…

The Christmas story is a story with lots of tough elements in it. But think ... how many stories of people you know are not fraught with hardship and difficulties? Most life stories I can think of, my own story included, and yours, fill the bill almost as well as this ancient story.

And yet, in the midst of the Christmas story, which makes the difficulties plain and obvious, we hear…like some far off angel-song…that something remarkable is still possible in this world. Something like hope is stirring. Something that might not be as obvious as the march of legions, the sound of the war trumpet, or the clatter of coins on the tax table. But still something…tender skin, skin still red and wet, a voice crying out, new life.

A fresh start. ¹

I can think of no more fitting story for each of you to remember in your lives. We all face our own personal demons and while every challenge is different, the struggle is similar. Every day is a blessing and if you take the time to remind yourself of that fact, you will find that the world is an extraordinary place.

Let us pray.”

Steve reflected on the words as the reverend finished his sermon. Steve had spent the first 20 years of his life trying to be someone he knew he wasn’t. For much of the past year he had tried to change but felt he could only do it by running away from everyone he knew. He was even running away from his parents at Christmas. Was life as simple as relying hope and faith to deal with his issues? He knew he hadn’t had much of either for a long time.

Steve noticed everyone start to raise their heads and he heard his aunt voice, “Everyone start forming a line in the back. We will start serving the meal in a few moments.” That was his cue to help on the serving line.

Serving food was a new experience. He tried to emulate Sandy whose skills easily eclipsed his own as she mixed small talk with the ability to move customers along. Many of the faces seemed familiar and he even got a few compliments on his look which caused him to lose focus and slow the line. Sandy didn’t help as she tried to hook him up with anyone that seemed interested.

The crowd was a strange mix of the homeless and the disenfranchised along with many people Steve assumed were community leaders. The one thing they all had in common was smiles. Tina was there as well as Vivica who brought most of her staff to help serve. Once everyone had gone through the line, Steve got a plate and walked to the reverend.

Steve tried to think of something clever to say but failing that said simply, “Nice sermon.”

The reverend finished chewing, “Thanks. It’s Sara right?”

Steve nodded, “It’s a bit more complex than that but yeah.”

Reverend Mark smiled, “Life is always a bit more complex though usually at our own making.”

Steve nodded, “Would you have some time to talk? I really would love to ask you a few questions about your church.”

The man laughed, “Well, most people will tell you that talking is what I do best. You can find me at the church over on 3^rd. I’m almost always available so feel free to stop by sometime or if you’d prefer, call me to set up an appointment.” The reverend passed him a card with his number on it.

“Thanks, I will do that.”

Steve returned to his seat next to Sandy. “The Rev is pretty cool huh?”

Sandy must have noticed his detour and Steve nodded, “He’s different than Pastor Dan but they both have that ability to dominate a room. It’s funny how someone like that can make you feel like a child.”

Sandy nodded as she chewed her food then swallowed, “He’s a good man. As you can imagine we’ve had quite a few conversations over the years.”

Steve nodded. He knew from experience that Sandy’s reputation as a wild child was well earned.

The rest of the evening was a blur of faces. Everyone wanted to spend time with Marjorie and the people at her table. As things died down, Steve saw Sandy talking to Vivica and heard them planning their secret New Year’s Eve plans. Steve couldn’t think that far ahead. All he could think of was the reverend’s sermon of a better future. Tomorrow was Christmas. Tomorrow was hope. You could see it in the eyes of the people as they approached the table that perhaps on that one day, anything was possible. There was no doubt that life had dealt most people in the room a tough hand. They came to the dinner from different paths and no one got there without pain. Steve saw Tina standing across the room talking to a few of her friends.

Steve waved to get her attention and she joined him in a quiet corner. Tina didn’t say a word which Steve took as a cue to talk.

“Do you some time to talk about Hormone Replacement Therapy? I’ve been giving it some thought and have a lot of questions.”

Tina said, “Of course. Ask me anything.”

Chapter 18

Christmas morning Steve spoke to his aunt and he repeated the conversation he had with Tina. As expected, her response was the same as it had been since he came to her house. She supported him no matter what he decided. Steve waited a few days as his aunt suggested then called Doctor Johnson to see if she was available for a session. It couldn't wait.

The doctor was nice enough to make some time the next day. Since the campus was empty, Steve decided to take a chance and dress in one of the new outfits Kristy bought him for Christmas. As he got closer to campus, the dread that someone might see him started to build but he relaxed once he saw the vacant lots.

There was one other car in the clinic parking lot when he arrived. He parked as close as he could to the entrance then called Doctor Johnson. She unlocked the door a few minutes later and as Steve hurried inside, she gave him a broad smile. “Steve, you look wonderful!”

Steve did a pirouette but stopped when he felt the blood rush to his face, “I’m going by Sara over the break. My aunt insists I use one name while I’m on vacation and I’m starting to get used to it.”

Doctor Johnson nodded and Steve knew that look meant the info would soon be in her notebook. Steve took his normal position sitting on the couch.

Doctor Johnson sat across from him in a chair. She acted like normal which Steve thought was amazing considering his change in dress. He tried to ignore the thought but found it difficult to talk.

She started instead, “You asked for this meeting, so what’s up?”

Once Steve founnd his voice, it felt like the events of last week came out in a solid stream of sound. He told her everything he could remember and even gave her a copy of the picture with the Mayor.

“Sara Keltaine?”

Steve laughed, “It was my aunt’s idea. I’ve been going by Sara all week and when the photographer needed my name for the credit on the picture, she modified it to try to keep the folks back home from realizing it was me.”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “Cute picture. I like your new haircut. I assume you took the name Sara from Kathy?”

Steve nodded, “When my cousin asked me for a name it was the first thing I thought of. It’s a bit weird but I’ve grown to like it.”

She nodded and scribbled some more notes into her pad, “You don’t realize how lucky you are to have a good support system. I know your aunt by reputation and you couldn’t ask for better.”

“Yeah. I think she is trying to get me used looking like this. She’s always spouting off lines like ‘you can’t expect anyone to like you unless you like yourself first’. “

Doctor Johnson said, “Like I said, ‘You are lucky.’ Is that what you wanted to talk about?”

Steve took a deep breath, “No. I wanted to talk about hormones. I want to start them as soon as possible.”

Doctor Johnson nodded, “That’s what I expected but are you sure that’s what you want? You don’t have to rush it. There’s nothing stopping you of putting this off until you are completely sure.”

Steve shook his head, “That’s the thing doc. I know I want this. I also know that waiting will mean that testosterone will continue to make changes to my body as it matures. I really should have done this 4-5 years ago.”

“You know that wasn’t possible Steve as you weren’t emotionally ready. Or should I call you Sara now?”

The doctor looked unsure as she continued, “I’m still not sure you are ready. We could put you on hormone blockers.”

Steve felt his frustration build, “I know what you must be thinking but I’ve spent some time the last two weeks getting to know myself. I’ve met a lot of great people who don’t judge me and found that it isn’t so bad. I even met someone that has gone through this and she’s helped me understand what I’d be facing. I know it won’t be easy but I know what I want. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since Christmas. I’ve weighed all the pro’s and con’s and I’ve never wanted anything like I want this.”

Doctor Johnson flipped to another page in her notes, “I want to remind you that in our last meeting you said and I quote, ‘My freaking life is over! My dad will never accept me and neither will my friends.’ Has anything changed since you said that?”

Steve crossed his arms and felt the breast forms dig into his skin, “Nothing has changed for them but they will have to accept me.”

Doctor Johnson added, “There is more to it than that. Your job prospects are lowered, you open yourself to hate crimes, you open yourself to discrimination, and it’s going to be tougher to find friends. I want to make sure you understand that this is not a game. These drugs have a powerful effect on your mind as well as your body.”

Steve felt his temper grow, “Come on Doc. Are you trying to talk me out of this? I want to change! I NEED TO CHANGE! I CAN’T CHANGE WHO I AM ON THE INSIDE SO I NEED TO CHANGE THE OUTSIDE!”

Doc Johnson smiled, “Steve, you need to calm down. I just want you to be sure it is what you truly want. Some of the saddest cases I’ve seen are people like you that felt they were sure and went through with HRT only to realize years later that the issue was deeper. I’ve seen these drugs do great help too and if you are truly sure then I will write you a letter. I only have one condition. I’d like you to stop smoking.”

The request caught Steve by surprise, “Why does that matter?”

“In some ways it doesn’t but your smoking stems not just from your relationship with Kathy but also because you are emulating the strongest female role model you know.”

Steve thought he knew the answer to this one, “My mom?”

“That’s my suspicion. It’s not uncommon for kids to want to be like their parents. I’d bet that’s one reason why you felt the need to wear women’s clothes and one of the reasons why you ended up at her dressing table.”

“Are you saying I don’t want to be a girl, I just want to be my mom?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “No. It’s only one factor. Your mom was the one consistent female in your life and if you truly accept yourself as a woman, then you don’t need the cigarettes to help you emulate one. There are other reasons as well. Hormone therapy has many risk elements and smoking not only increases these risks but it also reduces the effectiveness of the drugs. That’s really why I want you to stop. You do know that smoking is bad for you, right?”

Steve said, “Yeah, I guess that makes sense. How’s this? If you put me on hormones, I promise to stop. I’d hate to think I might l might not develop as much just because I was smoking.”

Doctor Johnson gave Steve a look, “Really? It comes down to breast size?”

Steve laughed, “It’s not just that but that’s definitely part of it.”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “Well if it helps make you stop then I’m all for it.”

Steve said, “So when can I start hormones?”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “You are persistent. The way it works is I will need to refer you to a doctor that specializes in that area and they will make the final determination though I'm sure a letter from me will speed things up. Have you decided where you are going to live after graduation?”

“Not really but I’m thinking of living near my aunt. Is there a doctor close by?”

Doctor Johnson gave Steve a list of names. “Maybe you should talk to your transgender friend and check out the doctors on the list until you find one you like. Refer them to me and we will work together to figure out where we go from here.”

“Does that mean I will get HRT?”

“You seem like a good candidate Steve. I expect the specialist will agree.”

Steve stood up and practically pulled Doctor Johnson off the couch in a bear hug. “Thanks Doc!”

After she caught her breath, Doctor Johnson replied, “You’re welcome. Just remember this is only a start of a long journey. We need to continue our meetings when you return to school. Is that fair?”

“Fair enough doc,” Steve ran from the room to spread the good news.

His aunt was home when Steve arrived.

“I’m so happy for you Sara,” she paused, “I’m sure Tina will be a great help as you look for doctors. Of course you are welcome to stay here for as long as you’d like.” Aunt Marjorie looked lost in thought for a moment then asked, “Have you considered what you are doing after graduation?”

Steve shuffled his feet. “A little but honestly my grades have been so bad this past year that I haven’t been able to interview.”

Majorie nodded, “Do you remember the lady we met at dinner before Christmas? Cindy Robertson?”

“The aide to Councilman Williams?”

“That's her. All council members are all allowed to have one aide on their staff but I've never used one since I like to do all my own work. In recent years that has gotten harder as my responsibilities have grown. I'm sure you've seen the mess in my office. The job is low pay and the hours suck. You are way overqualified but it does get your foot in the door of city government. Would you be interested?”

Steve said, “Of course I would!”

“That’s great. I’ve been putting off hiring anyone for a long time and I’m sure Kristy will be thrilled since she's my only help.”

Steve was overwhelmed, “This is too much Aunt Marj. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

She answered, “Nonsense. You don’t realize how nice it is to have some contact with family. Besides, you face a long tough journey and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do everything in my power to help you through it. You are my niece after all.”

Aunt Marj smiled then turned thoughtful, “You might not believe the stats I see about kids in your situation. They are pretty depressing though on the other hand you might want to listen to some of the office staffers downtown. I have a bit of a reputation as a hard ass.”

Steve gave a dutiful laugh. “I'm sure I can handle it.”

“Good, it's settled. Are you ready to go downstairs and tell the others?”

Marjorie had everyone gather in the kitchen. “Go ahead and tell them.”

Steve said, “I just got approval from my shrink to start hormones…”

Sandy interrupted, “AWESOME!”

“… and after graduation I’m coming here to work as Aunt Marj's aide.”

It was Kristy’s turn to interrupt with a desperate plea. “You can’t get here soon enough!”

Steve was at a loss for words but tried to continue, “A lot has happened to me and I just don’t know how to thank you guys. I mean if you saw me …” Steve found the words wouldn’t continue. A thought of his call to the suicide line popped into his head and tears streamed down his cheeks.

Sandy broke the silence, “Are you sure you aren’t already taking estrogen Sara? I’ve noticed you’ve been crying a lot lately.“

His aunt came to his defense. “Speaking of tears, the one condition Sara’s therapist requested in exchange for approving HRT is that she quit smoking. Kristy and I have been trying to stop for years so this seems like a good reason for all of us to stop.”

This comment made Steve smile and he wiped his tears, “All of us?”

His aunt stared directly at her daughter, “All of us.”

For once, Sandy had no response.

Note:

^{1 – The prayer in chapter 17 is adapted from a 12-24-2008 sermon by Reverend Mark Belletini – you can find it at firstucolumbus.org. I found it while researching churches that would accept people of different lifestyles and liked his simple but effective message. Rather than rewrite something with a similar message, I copied it for the first 2/3s of the sermon and am giving credit.}