As Steve focuses on HRT, secret plans will change his future forever. Is he strong enough to find his way when the help of others cause Steve to question himself?

Chapter 19

“Nice haircut.”

“You know you like it Tim.”

Steve had invited Tim to join him for the celebratory dinner and as Steve expected, Tim and Sandy got along like long lost siblings. The sarcasm was overbearing but he he knew it was a good test as it would be much worse if someone found out at school.

In truth, Steve didn't see much of either Tim or Sandy as they planned New Year's Eve with Vivica. He was busy with Tina as she and got him in contact with a doctor then insisted he join her at a few meetings of a local TG support group. Steve begged the doctor to set up an appointment right away but the best he could get was a consult in two weeks with a promise to call him if anyone canceled.

Tina explained the initial consultation would consist of things Doctor Johnson had already explained and that armed with the therapist's letter it shouldn't take more than a month before he was approved for injections. A month seemed like a lifetime but there was little Steve could do about it.

Tina and her friends were a great source of information of all the things transgender and helped him through the process. Their first appointment was for facial electrolysis and they introduced him to a local speech therapist who specialized in transgender cases. The most embarrassing part of the week was the visit to the sperm bank to make a donation. Tina explained it was her only regret from her own transition.

Steve was so busy with Tina that he totally forgot about their New Year’s Eve. The fact that neither Tim nor Sandy had given a hint of the plan did give cause for concern.

The festivities started around noon with drinks at his aunt’s house. Steve had planned to wear one of his nicer dresses but Sandy and Tim had a different idea. The outfit they had picked was a black mini dress that ended just below his groin with fishnet stockings and thigh high boots. The outfit left little to the imagination and when Sandy handed him the gaff he tried to ignore her laughter. As he put it on, memories of the Halloween party Sue had planned flashed in his mind. It had been over a year since he'd first used one of these and he'd grown to like the sensation as it pushed his testes to a prepubescent state and pulled the rest of him to a hidden spot between his legs. He rubbed the empty area in his crotch to experience the slight thrill it always gave as few other things made him feel as feminine.

Sandy did his makeup with an extremely heavy touch and Tina even helped with a long black wig. When he saw himself in the mirror, Steve figured he was ready for Vegas.

Everyone rocked an outrageous look. Sandy made up her face in Japanese techno punk accompanied by a pink wig and lots of glitter. Tim even got into the act in spandex, sequins, and a blonde wig that reminded Steve of Dolly Parton. Of course, no one could top Vivica with her feathers and a boa.

The evening started with a runway show in Aunt Marjorie’s living room. When his turn came, Steve exaggerated his movements as he strutted down the makeshift catwalk. He struck a pose at the end of hall then walked back through the crowd to laughter and raucous applause. These people had no shame and Steve was loving every minute.

After a few more choice beverages, Vivica walked them through the dance number she planned later that night. Steve was sure he'd forget them by midnight but like a boat in a hurricane, he felt swept up by events that were bigger than him.

It wasn’t long until the taxis arrived. They stopped in front a place called The Pinafore. The line stretched around the corner.

Tim shouted over the crowd, “This is one of my favorite places in the Village.”

Steve said, “You've come here before?”

Tim replied, “Every gay man in town knows about this place.” Tim laughed, “You will see things tonight that will make your head spin country boy.”

Steve was sure that was true. They made their way through the crowd and Steve saw a mix of costumes and while a few people were dressed like you’d see at any college bar, they were definitely a minority. This was a celebration of the different.

Steve and Tim walked to towards the back of the line but Vivica's voice shone clear above the noise, “Over here honey! Talent enters through the back.”

Steve shouted back, “If you expect me to dance on stage I’m going to need a lot more alcohol!”

Tim passed him a flask, “I’m way ahead of you there buddy.”

Steve saw Sandy next to the back door smoking a cigarette.

“Weren’t you supposed to stop that?”

Sandy said, “It’s my New Year’s resolution but it’s not the New Year yet.”

Steve hadn’t had a cigarette for 2 days and his lungs ached, “I like the way you think.”

It was only 9pm but you’d never know by the sound inside. When they finished they found the rest of the group by the bar and Steve looked at the crowd. It was unlike anything he had ever seen. The outfits were outrageous and the actions even wilder. Steve knew he was blushing and while he tried not to be obvious, he stood in the shadows trying to absorb everything.

Steve saw Tim's smiling face when he turned around. Tim said, “I bet you don’t see this back home.”

Steve tried to play it like he wasn't shocked by what he saw, “No you don’t.” The rest of the group broke into laughter.

Vivica shouted, “Try to close your mouth honey! Someone is liable to get the wrong idea and stick something in it!”

Steve had a few drinks as he continued his observations of the chaos around him. Everything was uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time but it got better after the drinks took effect. He felt a tug on his shoulder and Tim pulled him to the dance floor.

“I want you to meet some of my friends.”

Tim shouted some names and Steve shook some hands but it was too loud to hear. Everyone looked like they were having a good time. Like he'd done the night he'd first gone dancing in a dress, Steve started with a simple shuffle step then closed his eyes and let the music take over. It didn't matter how bad it looked. No one here cared much about anything. They only cared that they were having fun and as Steve danced it felt like a lifetime of repression fell from him. He felt free.

Pinafore's was an oasis for people like him – people that were different. The world chose to label them as freaks instead of trying to understand an inner turmoil they couldn't escape. This was an escape of a different sort.

Steve's world felt like it was spinning on its axis but that might have been the alcohol. It was liberating knowing that anything he did was mild in comparison to what was happening around him. He felt someone press from behind and put their arms around his waist. He turned and without a second thought, kissed Tim square on the lips.

When Steve pulled back he wished he had a camera. Tim and Sandy wanted to try to shock him? He’d jump in the deep end. When Steve moved in to kiss Tim again his friend retreated through the safety of the crowd.

A horrified thought hit Steve as he realized, 'What have I done?'

As Steve stood not sure whether to laugh at the absurdity of the situation or cry from the rebuff he'd just received from his friend, a voice shouted in his ear.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tim's face look so shocked!”

Steve turned to face Tim’s friend.

A cute girl stood in front of him. She shouted again, “I think Tim was planning to ask you if you wanted another drink. He certainly ran to the bar fast enough after you kissed him. Care to join me at our table? Tim shouldn't be long.”

Steve nodded and followed the girl off the dance floor. Steve started laughing as they sat down.

“I can't believe I did that.”

The girl was laughing too, “Are you the guy Tim has been telling me so much about?”

The realization that Steve and this girl had been talking about him caused his insecurities to come back. It was so easy to forget himself in this place.

“Probably. It’s complicated but I’ve known Tim since our freshman year. He was the gay guy in the hall and I was a rube from the backcountry. Despite that we’ve become friends.”

“He told me.”

Steve wondered how much Tim told her. He’d gotten used to living with his aunt for the last few weeks and he felt panicked. Everything was so safe in her house. The knot in his stomach grew larger as he realized it wouldn't be long before he had to go back to school.

Steve forced the thoughts out. “Do you go to State?”

The girl said, “I knew Tim in high school. You could say we are soul mates. He came out about six months after I did.”

This news surprised Steve but he felt a little stupid when he realized where they were, “Really?”

“Yeah. He had it tougher than me and I became his adviser of sorts. He’s a really good guy. We’ve even got a surrogate pact in case neither of us meets that special person.”

“You are dating?”

She laughed, “Not really, we are into different things. I think of him like a brother. Like I said, he’s told me all about you.”

She said it again. What did it mean that she knew all about him? Was she trying to make him insecure? Steve asked, “He told you everything?”

She shrugged, “As far as I know.”

“Did he tell you I’m transitioning?”

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind.”

Steve felt uncomfortable. This girl was attractive and he knew that at least one part of his body liked her. Recent events confused the rest of him.

Steve steeled himself, “I don’t mind. It was only three months ago that I told the first person and it’s still tough to sort my feelings. Telling each person has been its own challenge though it seems alcohol helps.”

The girl looked around, “Speaking of alcohol, where's Tim?”

Steve looked to the bar where he saw Tim talking with Sandy. Steve pointed, “It looks like he’s abandoned us.”

The girl said, “You really must have freaked him out with that kiss. What was that all about?”

Steve shrugged, “I really don’t know. It just seemed like the thing to do.”

She asked, “Do you like him?”

“I'm not sure. I think I just wanted to freak him out more than anything.”

The girl laughed, “I’d say you accomplished that.”

This girl's laugh was infectious and Steve felt his anxiety fall away. “It serves him right. I might have been a jerk to him as a freshman but he’s paid me back a hundred fold. He loves to come on to me but I doubt he'd ever think I'd ever take him up on it. Now that he's avoiding me I feel bad. He’s helped me through some dark places.”

“That’s what he said. You seem to be doing well tonight.”

“It’s easier in a place like this. My aunt told me I need to stop obsessing over things. She has really made the last few weeks easy. My cousin is standing next to Tim at the bar. They were the ones that organized everything tonight.”

The girl said, “I met Sandy the other day. She’s definitely a wild one.”

Steve nodded, “No doubt.”

Steve changed the subject, “I’m sorry but it was loud on the dance floor when met. What is your name again?”

She gave a smile that made Steve's toes curl. “Henna.”

“It's nice to meet you Henna.”

When Tim didn't return with drinks, Steve and Henna decided to join them at the bar. Henna hit Tim in the arm, “What’s with ditching us! I thought you were getting me something to drink.”

Tim rubbed his arm, “Ouch! Dammit Hen, that hurt.”

“You deserved it. Did Sara’s kiss freak you out that much?”

Steve's heart skipped a beat when he heard Henna use his proper name.

Tim seemed embarrassed, “No, I just needed to talk to Sandy. If ‘Sara’ wants to continue our discussion from the dance floor, ‘she’ can meet me back stage. I know a private little spot where we won’t be disturbed.”

Steve wasn’t listening as he stared at Henna. She seemed cool. When he turned and saw everyone staring, he knew Tim was calling his bluff, “I’m sorry Tim but I'm not interested in whatever it is you are offering. That kiss didn’t do much for me.”

Vivica interrupted the conversation by waving everyone to the dance floor.

Sandy yanked Steve's arm and held him back from joining the others.

She said, “What the hell was that?”

Steve shrugged, “Kissing Tim? I don’t know. It just came to me. Your mom told me I should try new things.”

Sandy shook her head, “Did it ever occur to you that there was a reason that Tim took you out to meet his friends? Henna in particular?”

Steve shrugged, “Not really. He’s never mentioned her.”

“She’s his best friend from home and he was trying to fix you up. Just when he’s about to get you alone together, you pull that stunt. He and I’ve been setting this up for days.”

“But she’s….”

“Bi-sexual? So what? Recent events have shown you are too.”

Steve stammered, “Does she….”

“Does she know this was a setup? Of course not. Tim said she’d kill him if she knew what we had planned but we thought you might hit it off. She’s a runner too.”

Steve said, “I haven’t done much of that lately.”

“I just thought I’d mention it in case you are interested in trying to salvage the situation.”

Steve nodded, “She is pretty hot.”

Sandy answered, “Don’t I always look out for you?”

Steve watched the group by the dance floor and keyed in on Henna. She saw him staring and waved for him to join them as his heart skipped a beat. What did that mean? Everything was so confusing. He didn’t even notice that Sandy had left until she returned with a tray full of shots.

Sandy said, “We go on soon and I’m not going up there sober.”

Steve looked around at the crowd and grabbed two shots then downed them both in succession.

Sandy shouted, “Hey, slow down! Remember what happened last time you did that?”

Steve laughed. He looked over the bar to where Tim and Henna were staring back. Was it possible they were having a similar conversation?

The wait for the dance contest to begin was nerve wracking. During the last walk through at Marjorie’s house Steve realized his role was to dance in unison with the others in the background while Vivica strutted around the stage. That was fine by him and after a few more shots, he didn't even feel nervous.

Sandy touched up his makeup and they rushed on stage. Vivica had picked the song “I’m Too Sexy” which was perfect as it had a good beat and most of the audience started to dance along. Vivica grabbed the microphone and with the charisma of a born entertainer it wasn't long before she had the audience in the palm of her hand.

As he moved in beat from his position at the back of the stage, Steve wished he felt half as confident as someone like Vivica. It must be nice to be that sure of yourself.

Once the song finished, Vivica took her entourage backstage and it seemed like half the audience moved with her. Dozens of people surrounded her and Steve could tell she loved every minute of it. Steve found a quiet corner to collect his thoughts. A familiar face found him.

Henna said, “You guys were great. Tim asked me to join but I don’t think I could ever do that.”

Steve answered, “I didn’t think I could either but the four shots of whiskey helped some. I kept reminding myself that everyone was watching Vivica.”

Henna smiled, “Not everyone.”

Steve felt his face darken and changed the subject, “So I hear you’re a runner?”

Henna smiled again, “Yeah, I ran in high school and did well. I still run to keep in shape and do an occasional 10k but recently decided to try for a marathon. Do you run?”

Steve said, “I used to. I’ve always thought I’d like to run in a marathon someday.”

“We should train together when you are in town.”

Steve thought about the cigarette he had snuck before they went on stage, “Yeah, we should.”

Steve heard shouting then a chorus of “5 … 4 … 3 …” Henna shrugged at the countdown and leaned forward. Steve knew what she expected but he panicked. Did he like girls? Did he like guys? Was he ready for something like this? He hadn’t kissed a girl since Kathy. His mind was spinning.

Auld Lang Syne began to play and Henna laughed at the missed moment. Steve struggled with his thoughts and closed his eyes in an attempt to answer the voices shouting in his head.

He knew what Steve would do but wasn’t he Sara too? What did that mean? Why did he kiss Tim? Did he know himself well enough to pursue Henna?

Steve felt two warm lips on his and he opened his eyes. Henna was smiling but pulling away so he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her tight as they kissed again. All thought of Steve and Sara … male and female … gay and straight faded into the background. As their lips parted Steve tasted the remnants of whatever fruity beverage she'd drank that night.

Suddenly everything made sense and Steve didn't want it to end. When they stopped to take a breath, Steve opened his eyes to saw Henna's grin. The area surrounding her mouth was now covered with the ruby red lipstick that Sandy had plastered on his lips and Steve tried to stop himself from laughing. He failed miserably as the first giggle escaped and as he tried to stop his laughter, Henna gave him a cross look.

Steve pointed at the nearby mirror. “Look at yourself.”

She looked and she shrugged to indicate she didn’t care. Steve looked at their reflection. Most would see two women staring back and while that wasn’t quite the truth it didn’t matter. He wondered what his family would say if they could see him but he pushed that thought from his mind. All he knew was at that moment, the girl next to him liked what she saw and that was enough. Feelings he’d forgotten since the breakup with Kathy surged through his body and he felt himself get excited.

Henna said, “It doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you,”

Steve smiled and Henna put her arms around him as he leaned in for another kiss.

Steve woke the next morning with a raging hard-on. That usually didn’t bother him, but this morning he was cuddling with Henna and it was embarrassing. He pulled away as slow as possible.

“Someone is up early this morning.” Henna turned to face him and had a big smile on her face.

Steve wasn’t sure what to say and Henna kissed him on the lips. That only made the situation below his waistline even worse so Steve moved to get out of bed. Henna put a hand under the cover and smiled again when she found the object of her search.

Steve said, “I don’t think that’s a good idea,”

Henna ignored him as she put her head under the covers.

She reappeared a few minutes later, “It’s been a long time since I did that.”

Steve could barely speak and only managed to say. “You did pretty well for someone out of practice.”

Henna put her arms around Steve and he hugged her back as his confusion returned. This girl was amazing but what did it mean? Was she looking for something permanent? And what about him? He could already feel the stirrings of his excitement again. What did that mean?

Henna seemed to sense his hesitation, “You know this whole thing was a setup. Tim and Sandy thought they were being sly but it was obvious at the beginning last night. Tim knows how much I hate being set up but he keeps doing it anyway. I didn't mind so much last night.”

Steve asked, “What does that mean?”

Henna said, “I liked you. I thought you were cure and you seemed nice. I figured what the hell.”

“Just like that?”

“Does it need to be any more complicated?”

“I don’t know. I’m in a weird place right now.”

Henna said, “I understand that and I’m willing to risk it because you intrigue me. Do you think I go home with everyone I meet in a bar?”

The conversation was giving Steve a headache. “But aren’t you? I mean I’m not… I mean, you know.”

Henna smiled, kissed him, then bounced out of bed, “You told me last night you were transitioning and I told you than that I don’t care. Do you always over complicate things?”

Steve watched as Henna stood and he stared at her naked body as she walked into the bathroom. A few moments later he heard the shower start. Goddamn she is gorgeous!

Steve knew he'd struggled with how he should act in situations like this for as long as he could remember. He knew if someone asked him a question, his first thought was to determine a response based on their expectations.

'What did this woman want from him?'

Steve forced the thought from his mind. Doctor Johnson said part of his issue was his constant need to always try to please others.

'What did he want?'

Steve smiled as he opened the bathroom door.

“Is there room for one more in there?”

He heard laughter coming from the shower which he took as a yes and Steve close the door behind him.

Tim and Sandy sat at the kitchen table with faces that looked a little too proud.

Henna cut them off, “Not one word.”

Aunt Marjorie and Kristy joined a short time later to see four members of the younger generation staring at each other and noticed the awkward silence. Aunt Marj said, “I’m almost afraid to ask what happened last night.”

Sandy couldn’t hold back, “This is Sara’s new lesbian girlfriend Henna!”

Steve watched Henna turn five shades of red and took her hand in a show of support. Aunt

Marjorie was quick with a response, “Well then that explains the noises I heard coming from your room last night. I hope you all used protection.”

Steve knew his face must have looked shocked as his friend shrugged. Tim said, “I didn't say I never go out with women. They can be nice to cuddle with too if I don't meet a cute guy.”

Steve gave him thumbs up and this time it was Sandy’s turn to blush as everyone laughed.

Aunt Marjorie asked Tim and Henna, “We are having a New Year’s party today and you are welcome to stay if you want.”

They answered in unison, “I'd love to.”

Chapter 20

Everyone spent the morning getting ready for the guests to arrive. Around noon, Steve found a spot in the living room where he planned to watch an afternoon full of football. Henna sat next to him and had her head on his shoulder when he heard the commotion in the other room. He could barely hear the shouts over the buzz of the crowd but when they stopped, Aunt Marjorie motioned Steve to join her in the kitchen. Everyone stared as he followed as his aunt up the steps to his bedroom.

He could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. “What’s up?”

“It’s about your parents.”

The mention of his parents worried Steve. “What’s wrong? Did anything happen to them?”

She paused. “They are sitting in my office.”

The words took a moment to register. Steve said, “What are they doing in your office?!?!”

She shrugged. “I know.” Marjorie explained that his mom had convinced his dad to make a surprise visit.

“She should have called!”

“I told them the same thing. She didn’t think you’d say yes.”

Steve looked in the mirror. “She would have been right. What am I going to do Aunt Marj?”

Marjorie put her arm around Steve's shoulders, “You have two choices. First, you could take a few moments to pretty yourself up and face them or you could get in your car and drive away. My only advice would be to ask if you think that it is time to stop running.”

Steve’s mind was racing. “I don’t … I don't know. I don’t think I can do it.”

Aunt Marjorie nodded. “I understand. This far from ideal but don't you think it would be easier here than at home?”

“I don't know Aunt Marj. Do I just walk in and say ‘Hi Mom! Hi Dad!’ I need to tell you something. I think this outfit, hair and nail extensions explains everything at a glance.”

His aunt answered, “I can tell them first if you’d...”

Steve interrupted, “God damn them! Why couldn’t they stay away?”

“Sara, I understand what you are going through but this is something you need to face. You can try to live in two worlds for a while but once you start hormones there is no going back. It isn’t a perfect situation but things like this never are.”

“Can’t I just hide in here while you tell them to go away?”

“You could but this might be a blessing. They are your parents and they love you. Their reaction might surprise you.”

Steve looked at his aunt.

She raised her hands in mock surrender, “I know it’s a long shot but this doesn’t need to be a bad thing. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can move on with your life.”

Steve knew his parent's reaction. Both Tim and Sandy had made him feel uncomfortable but this was bound to be a thousand times worse. On the other hand, he knew he had to face it. After he started hormone shots, it would be impossible to hide.

“I’m never going to be able to go home again, am I?”

“That’s up to you.”

Steve took a deep breath. It didn’t matter. He’d hid this too long and to run would only delay the inevitable.

“Do you have any ideas?”

His aunt looked at the newspaper clipping Steve had put on the dressing table from their night at Franklin's.

“This should help.”

Steve felt like he was going to cry. His aunt asked, “Are you sure you want this?”

Steve knew once his aunt left there was no turning back. He nodded. His aunt walked out of the room.

Rumors spread throughout the house and it didn't take long for Kristy, Sandy, Tim and Henna to join Steve in his room. He sat at the dressing table and stared at the stranger looking back. He'd always known the 'Sara vacation' had an end but he'd hoped for a few more days.

He hadn’t bothered to put on much makeup that morning but his hair, breast forms, nails and dress were impossible to miss. Henna offered him a towel from the bathroom. He wiped tears from his cheek as he waited for his aunt to return.

As the sound of the voices down the hall rose to shouts, Steve changed his mind. He couldn't let his aunt do this for him. This was his fight. A few of his friends started to follow but Steve motioned everyone to go downstairs. As he walked closer to Aunt Marjorie’s office, he heard the words.

“ … what have you done to my son!”

Steve opened the door and three heads turned to face him but no one spoke.

Steve said, “Aunt Marjorie, can I have a moment alone with my parents?”

She said, “Are you sure?”

Steve nodded, “Yeah. We have a lot to talk about.”

His Aunt put an arm on his shoulder as she passed and whispered in his ear. “I will be waiting in your bedroom if you need me.”

When his aunt shut the door, Steve turned back to his mom and dad. He could see tears in his mom’s eyes but his dad’s face was so red that Steve thought his head might explode.

His dad screamed, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING BOY!?!?”

His mom added, “Give him a second to explain Robert.”

That seemed to settle his dad and both parents looked at him.

Steve said, “The truth is for a long time I didn’t know what I was doing Mom. I really don’t know what I’m doing most of the time anymore and I’m trying to figure it out. I wish you had waited before surprising me.”

His dad stopped listening, “Get your things. We are going home.”

“I’m not going dad. I’ve made some decisions about my future that I know you aren’t going to like it but it is something I need to do. I'm a woman and I'm starting hormone replacement shots next month.”

His dad shouted, “Bullshit. That Marj has put these crazy thoughts into your head. We are taking you home!”

Steve said, “You know that isn’t true. You’ve known something was different about me for a long time or you wouldn’t have sent me to Pastor Dan for counseling when I was a kid.”

His mom cried, “We were just doing what we thought was right.”

Steve said, “I know that mom and I don’t blame ...”

His dad interrupted, “Bullshit! You don’t get to pick and choose things like that in life. You are a man and that’s that. Wearing a dress doesn't let you change who you are. We are getting in the car right now and we are going to have a long talk on the way home!”

Steve knew his dad would never understand. Steve's voice shook as he answered, “Do you think this is something I want to do!?!? Do you know how many nights I’ve thought about killing myself? Don't you know how long I've wondered why God made me like this? I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember trying to live up to your expectations and I can’t do it anymore!”

His mom said, “We didn’t…”

His dad interrupted, “I’m only going to say this one more time. Pack your things and get in the damned car!”

Steve crossed his arms, “I’m not going dad.”

His dad jumped from his seat and screamed, “GET IN THE CAR STEVE!”

Steve had heard stories about his dad’s temper from his wild days but he’d never really seen it until that moment. Steve knew he couldn’t back down. “Dad, you were the one that helped give me the courage to do this.”

The words stopped his dad and his confusion was apparent in his response. “Wh … what do you mean?”

Steve explained, “You’ve always been so strong and stood up to everyone. You know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say it no matter what anyone else thinks. Didn’t you just tell me over Thanksgiving that I needed to learn from my mistakes? Why do you think I drank myself into a stupor when I was home?”

His dad said, “I’m not having this discussion here. We are going home.”

Steve held his ground, “I’m not leaving dad.”

His dad grabbed his arm and started to pull him to the door.

Steve heard his mom’s cry.

Steve said, “Dad please don’t do this. I’m not a little kid anymore. All it will take is one phone call and you will spend the night in jail and I don’t want that to happen. I need to be my own person just like you.”

Steve pulled just as his dad released his arm and he fell to the floor. His dad spoke, contempt obvious in his voice, “I’m nothing like you.”

Steve watched as his Dad stormed out the door and down the hall.

He looked to his mom who was now standing. He saw tears streaming from her eyes as she followed her husband out the door then heard a distant, “I’m sorry Steve.”

Steve turned to the chair where his parents had sat only moments before and saw the Christmas present they'd brought sitting on top of his aunt's desk. He closed his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears but knew it was futile.

He said to the empty room. “My name is Sara.”

Once Steve composed himself he left his aunt's office and heard the squeal of his parent's tires as they raced down the street. His aunt was waiting in his bedroom.

“Are you ok?”

Steve couldn’t speak and his chest felt like it might burst at any moment. The tears made it hard to see and he buried his head on her shoulder.

Steve felt her arms hug him tight as she said over and over as his body convulsed in sadness, “It will get better. I promise you it will get better.”

This time the words didn’t seem so cliche and Steve prayed that his aunt was right.

Chapter 21

Steve spent the rest of New Year’s day in his bedroom. He heard Tim and Sandy ask to go upstairs but Aunt Marj stopped all visitors. Most everyone had left by 8pm and Steve washed the dried tears from his face and went downstairs. Sandy was sitting at the kitchen table.

Steve asked her, “Is Henna still here?”

“She left a few hours ago with Tim.”

Steve shook his head, “No one can say I don't know how to show a girl an exciting time.”

Sandy looked unsure of how to respond and Steve retreated to the safety of his bedroom.

Aunt Marjorie woke him early the next day.

“I’m not going to let you mope again today. Go have some fun. Try to take your mind off it.”

Steve said, “I don’t think it is possible Aunt Marj.”

“You could call Henna.”

The thought of Henna brightened his mood. “I doubt she’d want to talk to me after everything that happened yesterday.”

“You aren’t giving her a chance. I know she wanted to talk to you but I think she's also smart enough to know you needed some space. That girl's a good one and it would be a shame if you let her get away. You could do worse.”

Steve took a shower and the memories of what he and Henna had done there less than 24 hours earlier gave him his first smile since his parents arrival. Henna sounded happy to hear from him when he called and they agreed to meet for a run at noon.

After setting the plans Steve realized he'd left all his workout gear back at school which allowed him one last shopping trip with Sandy. They bought a cheap pair of men’s running shoes and a pair of pink women shorts with a matching top. It would be stupid to run with the breast forms but that didn't stop him from getting a new sports bra. After he dressed, he looked in the mirror. Without makeup, Steve saw a man looking back but a stranger might have trouble. He had no doubt that his haircut and long fingernails would at least confuse them.

Henna was at the park when he arrived and she laughed when she saw his outfit.

Steve asked, “Too much?”

“Nah, it’s perfect. It’s you.”

She gave him a kiss on the cheek and his spirit soared.

Steve said, “I have to warn you that I’m really out of shape.”

“The smoking probably doesn’t help.”

“You know about that?”

“I could smell it on you the night we met but Tim told me you are quitting as part of your transition. I figured asking you to jog might help.”

Steve smiled. Cute and smart. “Would you mind if we go slow?”

Henna gave an infectious laugh, “That sounds ok.”

She started at a pace Steve could handle but after a mile, he had to stop. They walked and when Steve caught his breath he said, “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

Henna said, “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Steve explained, “It really wasn’t how I usually introduce my girlfriends to my parents.”

Henna said, “Am I your girlfriend?”

Steve almost tripped as he realized what he’d said, “Oops. I meant ….”

Henna laughed, “I know what you meant. Tim’s right. You really are an easy mark. A real rube.”

She extended her hand and their fingers interlocked.

Steve smiled, “So I’ve been told.”

Steve and Henna walked and talked for most of the afternoon and when Steve returned home, he waited as everyone raced to the kitchen table to hear details. He let them suffer until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“It was awesome. She is like the coolest girl I’ve ever met! We have another date tomorrow.”

Aunt Marjorie asked, “How was the running?”

“Brutal. I’m never smoking again.”

Steve spent the next day with Henna but then it was time to go back to school. His hair was almost back to his normal shade of brown but he'd decided to let it fade naturally. While part of him liked the idea of going to school dressed as Sara he knew it wasn't a good idea. Tina explained that most people waited a few months until the drugs started to take effect before making a permanent switch and it seemed the smarter course. There was no need to invite trouble and besides, he didn't need clothes to know the truth of his identity. He could make it official later.

As a final goodbye, his aunt asked him to join her at church for Sunday service. Steve knew Reverend Mark’s church was different than Pastor Dan’s but he didn't mind. It was a good opportunity to say goodbye to the people he’d met in the Village. Henna and Tim joined them and they went in his aunt’s SUV.

A person he wasn’t expecting was waiting outside when they arrived.

“Mom?”

His mom gave him a hug that felt like it lasted a minute. She kissed him on the cheek then wiped off the lipstick mark. “I missed you.”

Steve looked at his aunt who shrugged, “You Mom called after she left the other day. We had a long talk and she asked if she could visit. I thought this might be nice. I hope you don’t mind the surprise.”

Steve wasn’t sure what to say. “Not at all. Where’s dad?”

His mom shook her head. “He couldn’t make it.”

Steve understood and hugged his mom again. “That’s ok Mom. I’m really glad you’re here. I’d like you to meet my friends Henna and Tim...”

The reverend’s sermon was different from Pastor Dan’s and Steve hoped his Mom liked it. It was a message of hope that the New Year would bring joy to everyone in attendance. Steve thought back to the events of the prior year and it brought a smile to his face. Who knew what another year would bring? If someone had told him a year ago that he’d be sitting in this church dressed like this, he would have called them crazy.

As his thoughts drifted, Sandy poked him in the ribs and he noticed everyone was staring at him.

“Will you come up here Steve?”

After hearing everyone call him Sara for the last few weeks it seemed odd to hear Reverend Mark call him something else.

Steve stood and walked up the aisle as dozens of eyes watched.

“Steve is a new member of our flock and I know the past year has been tough for him…”

Steve saw most of the audience nodding their head.

“…. None of us can understand what God has planned and it is a lucky person that finds their path. I hear Steve has gotten closer to finding his way this year...”

Steve was starting to get annoyed. Hadn’t Aunt Marjorie made it clear to everyone that his name was Sara?

“… Now in this church we celebrate god in all his wondrous forms and I’ve been told that Steve has gone to church since he was a little boy…”

This was getting ridiculous.

“… The church he belongs to is Southern Baptist and the fact that a form of the word baptism is in church name shows its importance to his church. They take it very serious and a person can only be baptized once they reach the age of understanding. How old were you when you were baptized Steve?”

Steve wasn’t expected the question and stammered before answering into the microphone, “Um ... 12.”

“… 12 years old. Now I know when I was 12 I had begun my relationship with god but as I’ve grown older my relationship has changed. Would you say that is true for you too Steve?”

Steve heard a commotion from behind the stage. “Um, sure.”

“… And you have better understanding of who you are today than you did when you were 12?”

Steve saw a few members of the crowd start to rise and saw Sandy bent over laughing. “Yes.”

“… I think Steve needs to reaffirm his relationship with god. What do you fine people think?”

The crowd stood and cheered. Steve looked behind him to see that someone had pulled a large tank of water onto the stage. The thing was huge and looked like something you might see in a carnival.

“… Steve?”

Steve realized his aunt had set him up. No wonder she wanted him to come to church. No wonder his mom had come. He wondered if Henna and Tim had anything to do with it. He stole a quick look at his aunt and mom but neither betrayed a hint of emotion but Sandy's face told the tale.

“ … I don’t know.”

The crowd roared encouragement and started shouting “Steve! Steve! Steve!” He looked to see that even his mom had joined in on the chant.

“Oh all right. Let’s get this over with.”

The crowd shouted its approval.

“I need you to sit on this bench and I want you to reflect on your life Steve.”

The crowd’s chant grew louder as he sat looking into the frigid water. He heard the clank of a mechanism and felt himself fall. The water was even colder than he expected and time seemed to slow as he was under the surface.

A pair of hands pulled him back to a sitting position on the bench.

His teeth were chattering uncontrollably as he looked out to the audience. Most were clapping though some like Sandy were laughing so hard that tears streamed from their face.

He knew his makeup had washed off in the water and he stood before them all with his dress clinging to his body. He was essentially naked in front of the entire assembly but he didn’t care.

Reverend Mark shouted over the cheers, “We’ve had some fun with our friend this morning and I thank her for being a good sport. You see Steve may have gone into the water but Sara came out. She is about to start on a new journey into the harsh world but today is a happy day. This is the start of a new year where all things are possible. Every day can be like that if we let it and that is something we all should remember.”

“I'd like everyone to welcome our newest member, Sara Keltaine, to the church.”

The entire assembly roared its approval. Steve stared at his Aunt and his Mom who were both nodding and smiling. They clasped hands and Steve understood their thoughts without hearing the words. Steve couldn't escape his past but he was looking at his future. His experiences as Steve would always be a part of him but deep down he'd always known the truth. He had left home with little understanding but had learned so much. He was Sara. She had always been Sara. It had taken time but now she understood.

Someone wrapped a towel around Sara's shoulders and she pulled it tight to drive away the cold. Tim shook her hand while Henna gave her a big hug. These people understood her in a way that no one back home would ever could. Sara didn't want to leave but didn't have a choice as classes started in two days.

For now she lived in the moment, confident that anything was possible and unafraid of her future.

Epilogue

(Ten years later)

The fog on the hills lifted giving Sara a good view of the valley that led to her childhood home. She knew she'd avoided making this trip but she couldn't avoid this visit. She had to get home before it was too late.

She often wondered how her life might have turned out different with a different set of events.

'What if she'd never met Sue and Donna and Kathy and all the confusion it caused?'

'What if she'd never called the school suicide hotline?'

'What if Sandy had never visited that weekend before finals?'

'What if Tim never introduced her to Henna?'

She knew it wasn't wise to dwell on the past but that was difficult when facing hard truths. Too many people wasted time on unimportant details but the memories came rushing back as the miles passed. It was a good thing that Henna agreed to follow in Tim's car. It was nice to have quiet.

So much had happened since Sara had last seen these hills. Her thoughts turned melancholy and as she tried to think back to the happy day of her 'Sara' baptism. Most of the important people in her life were there that day. Mom, Sandy, Aunt Marj, Kristy, Tim, Henna.

Only her Dad was missing. They had only spoken a few words since New Year's Day a decade earlier. Mom had tried a thousand times to get them to together but both Sara and her father were too stubborn to listen. Sara pressed the accelerator in hopes it wasn't too late.

That last semester of college started normal for Sara as she hoped no one would notice the slight changes to her appearance. After all she'd always been the weird boy that didn't say much.

She was never completely sure how word got out. Had someone seen her over Christmas break? Was it the picture in the Herald? Did someone in Doctor Johnson's office say something by mistake? A week after her first injection a classmate grew bold enough to ask,

“Is it true that you are getting a sex change?”

The question floored Sara and her face told the story. Whispers followed her everywhere after that.

Mom let her know a few weeks later the rumor had gotten home from the gossips at school. Sara tried not to think about what that meant though she did worry about her parents. They were the ones that had to deal with those idiots on a daily basis. As much as she’d wanted to go home, it just wasn’t worth the grief. All her conversations with her mom about it over the years were similar to the first.

“How’s dad?”

“Oh you know your father. He’s always so busy.”

“Well he’s welcome to visit me but I can’t go home.”

“I wish you would. It might make it better.”

“I just can’t Mom. The people there don’t understand.”

“You don’t need to tell me. Maggie made another comment at the store and your father got into another fight. He won’t talk about it but I know the reason.”

“It’s not my fault Mom!”

“I know that!”

Those first phone calls always seemed to end with Sara in tears as the hormones continued to play havoc with her emotions but doing little to her body.

Things were bad enough at school. She joined the LBGT group but it only seemed to encourage the campus rumor mill which Sara found to be almost as bad as the one back home.

She should have realized what would happen if anyone found out as twenty year olds aren't exactly known for their tact. What came as a shock to Sara was seeing people she thought of as friends turn against her. After two months she noticed a softening of her facial features but continued to dress androgynous and still referred to herself as ‘Steve’. That didn't stop the taunts.

“Look at the freak! Have you cut your dick off yet?”

Sara could never forget these words as they came out of Sue's mouth. She had relived that moment in her nightmares many times since. They'd been best friends for a time or at least Sara had thought so.

The constant feeling of being watched made concentrating in class impossible but all she had to do was graduate. Sara didn't like to think about what might have happened if not for Tim. Friends from the Village visited as often as they could but they couldn't be there all the time. Sara would have had to face it all alone if not for Tim. She woke many mornings in his embrace but their relationship never turned sexual. She needed a friend and Tim was there.

Sara was pretty sure Tim was the one that convinced Henna to quit her job and move to town. Things moved fast between them but it felt right.

Like his aunt promised, things eventually got better. The gossip mill moved on to some new unfortunate local and Sara's situation moved into the background. When she crossed the threshold at graduation the murmurs were less than she expected and more than offset by Vivica's booming voice that led the group from the Village.

Henna and Sara moved into Aunt Marj’s spare bedroom. The drugs made the physical changes impossible to miss and while the people in the Village didn't care Sara decided it was time to make it legal and make a final break with the past. After an application to the court, her driver's license now matched her inner self. Steve Kelton was gone forever. Sara Keltaine had taken his place.

Once she was able to present herself as a woman with an ID to match, Sara's issues lessened as few people noticed the truth. After a year working at the city, Marjorie convinced Sara to take the LSAT and go back to school. After she passed the bar, her aunt helped her get a position in the DA’s office.

The job allowed Henna and Sara to finally move out of their Aunt's house but the whole group made a point to spend Sunday dinners at Marjorie and Kristy's house. Sara's constant thanks at these dinners was always met by the same quote by Emerson,

“You can’t pay back so you need to pay forward.”

Sara knew she could never pay back in full. She only spent a few years in the DA's office before she set up her own practice across from the Canaday Center. Her clients were young and poor and she knew it would never make her rich. It made her happy and in the end that was the only thing that mattered. There was more to life than money and her aunt was the richest person she knew.

Of course Marjorie always had ulterior motives and Sara figured she was trying to set her up to take her seat on city council. Sara wasn’t interested in that but she knew that Aunt Marjorie was really good at talking people into things they didn’t want to do. She'd held her off so far.

Sandy finished nursing school a year after Sara graduated. She still had an offbeat humor though she was starting to complain to anyone that would listen that all the good guys were gone. Sandy made Tim promise in a drunken stupor one night that if she hadn’t found the right guy by the time she was thirty-five that he had to get her pregnant. Tim laughed as he agreed to her terms. He thought Sandy was kidding; Sara knew she wasn't. She hoped it happened as she knew Tim would make a fantastic father though she wasn’t sure how Tim’s husband Brian would feel about it.

Henna had their first child, Timothy Robert, a year after Sara passed the bar. Mom visited more after that but Dad still wouldn’t come. Sara invited her Mom to the operating room when Sandra Christine was born. It was a bittersweet experience since it was only a few weeks after her mom’s diagnosis with cancer. Sara insisted her mom stay with them for treatments as Sandy’s hospital had one of the best cancer units in the state. It was nice to be able to spend more time with her and they grew close as they laughed and cried about things that seemed like such barriers in the past. Marjorie visited often and as they renewed their friendship, Sara's Mom and Aunt shared stories that made it difficult for her to see either woman in the same light ever again. The best part of her mom’s visits was the kids got to know their grandma. The visits became more frequent as her mom got sicker but when the doctors explained it was only a matter of time, Sara sent her mom home to die on the farm she loved.

Sara saw the mass of cars in the front yard as she turned the final bend. A look in the rear view mirror showed she hadn't lost Henna or Aunt Marjorie.

She couldn’t let her mom go without a last goodbye. Sara had taken pains to dress as conservatively as possible to lessen the gossip that she knew would start with her arrival. She wore a dark business suit with a skirt that reached just above her calves but also knew it was pointless. She could feel a dozen pair of eyes staring at her through the windows as she walked up the driveway. No doubt, someone was taking pictures with a camera phone and it wouldn’t be long for the town’s grapevine to get into full swing. The house grew quiet when she entered and Sara ignored them as she walked straight to her Mom’s room. Her Dad had set up a spot on the back patio so his wife had a nice view of the meadow in the distance. The room cleared when Sara entered and she could see the tears in her mom’s eyes as she approached.

Her mom tried to prop herself up, “Are the kids here?”

Sara helped her up and put another pillow under her to support her back. “Yes mom. They are in the next room with Henna.”

“I’m glad. I wanted to see you guys a last time.”

Sara found it hard to respond and her mom seemed to be steeling herself to say something so Sara waited. Cancer had taken much of her weight and her lungs had been tortured so it was a surprise when a shout came from this little woman,

“ROBERT!”

A few seconds later Sara’s dad rushed into the room and he breathed a sigh of relief when he realized everything was fine. Sara’s mom took a drink of water as they looked at her.

She spoke in a whisper and both crept closer to listen, “I’m not going to be around much longer and I want the two of you to promise me that you will look out for one another.”

Sara noticed her dad was having trouble looking at her and she spoke first. “Mom, it’s not that simple.”

Her dad didn’t say anything.

Her mom seemed to have no trouble speaking this time, “Bullshit! It’s simple if you let it.”

Sara was trying to think of the last time she had heard her mother swear and she caught her dad’s glance for the briefest of moments. The tension was relieved when Sara’s oldest child decided he couldn’t wait any longer and ran into the room.

“Grammy!”

Sara’s heart broke as she watched her mother pretend with her grandson that nothing was the matter. During her visits to the city, Grammy had told him about all the places she loved on her farm. Now they were deep in the planning stages of an adventure they’d never have. Sara looked to her dad as he stared impassively at the wall. She turned back to watch her mom talk to her child.

Her mom died in her sleep that night.

The funeral brought people from all over the county. Sara spent most of her time in the local motel as her brother insisted on making all the arrangements. One thing she couldn’t avoid was a meeting with Pastor Dan. He’d insisted she visit before the funeral and no one refused Pastor Dan. His office looked exactly as Sara remembered and she noticed he looked uncomfortable when she entered.

He broke the uneasy silence, “I’ve missed seeing you at my services.”

“I don’t live here anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t still pray for you. You are welcome in my church any time.”

Sara felt anger she thought was gone and her voice exploded, “Why? So you can try to cure me! This is who I am and I’m quite happy with that!”

Sara knew Pastor Dan wasn’t used to being the target of such anger, “You misunderstand me. I’ve never claimed to be anything more than a simple human with all of a man’s frailties. I don’t have all the answers and I leave perfection to God. I guess what I’m saying is I know I’ve made mistakes in the past but I’ve always done what I felt was the right thing.”

Sara stood with her arms crossed under her breasts and arched her back in an exaggerated pose to show she was fully female.

The pastor ignored her and continued, “I’ve had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with your mother over the last few months. She’s told me about all the good work you are doing and how proud she was of you. The thing she struggled with most was how they raised you and the pain she caused. I reminded her that the Christian faith is based on death, rebirth, and forgiveness. In our conversations, I always told her that focusing on the past isn’t productive and that she needed to focus on the future. She seemed content at the end.”

That thought made Sara smile, “Mom did open up to me in the last few years. I wish she had been able to do that when I was younger.”

Sara could see Pastor Dan getting into a familiar groove and she felt a sermon coming, “God made her just like he made you. It is foolish to try to change his will or understand the unknowable. If we accept that then forgiveness makes it easier to move on with our lives despite our flaws. Remember that forgiveness is the reason Jesus died for our sins.”

Pastor Dan’s speech reminded Sara of just how good he was at getting his point across without actually speaking the specific words. She knew that was as close to an apology that she was ever going to get from Pastor Dan and she smiled. The conversation drifted to her kids and to her new church. He made her promise to “come to his services whenever she visited.” She agreed and thought she might have even meant it.

His sermon at her mother’s service a day later repeated the theme of their private talk without mentioning Sara by name. Sara had no doubt her mom had written it and she smiled as she looked over the room. It always was tough to say no to Mom.

The next morning, half the county was in a line of cars for the funeral procession. At the grave site, Sara stood to the side as her brother and father carried the casket to its final resting place. A soft rain began to fall as Pastor Dan said a few final words and then everyone headed back to the church for a meal.

Sara couldn’t help notice the many glances in her direction followed by the inevitable whispering. It didn’t take long for the cemetery to clear.

Henna said, “Take as much time as you need.”

Sara watched as Henna walked her family to their car. She saw Aunt Marjorie and Kristy wave as they pulled away. Her brother’s minivan led a procession of cars on their way to the church. She hadn’t spoken more than a few words to her brother all week and now it seemed unlikely they’d ever reconcile. The pent up emotion of a lifetime was too much and her tears mixed with the rain. Sara stood by the grave for as long as she could stand it then turned to walk away.

The town had made it perfectly clear there wasn’t anything there for her anymore and it was time to go home. It was time to forget the past and never look back.

As Sara took the long walk from the grave to the car, she heard a voice in the distance.

“Sara!”

She turned to see her dad standing by himself at the grave site. As a child, she had found it hard to look in his eyes. This time it was impossible to look away. Only the two of them remained and when their eyes met, all she could see was the tears of a broken-hearted man.

She stood next to him, “Yes Dad?”

In her 30+ years, she’d never seen her father cry but she could tell in a glance he was lost in his own emotions. He said in a voice barely above a whisper, “Would you mind standing with me for a little while?”

Sara found it hard to talk. She was lucky she had many people to help her find the way.

Images of her Mom and Dad, Tim and Doc Johnson, Pastor Dan and Reverend Mark, Aunt Marj and Kristy, Sandy and Tina and of course Henna flashed through her mind. Now that she was a parent, she knew she’d do anything to protect her kids. She stared at the broken shell of the strongest man she’d ever known. She struggled for words and waved to Henna to go ahead to the luncheon. Her Dad needed her.

She put her arm around his waist. “Sure dad. I’ll always make time for you.”

They stood in silence by grave as the rain continued to fall.

Maybe later she could convince her dad to take the kids to their Grammy’s favorite places on the farm.

Work could wait a few more days.