Steve returns to school, excited to tell his therapist about the events over Thanksgiving but are things spiraling out of his control?

Chapter 11

Doc Johnson had set up the meeting with the specialist the next morning. Steve arrived just after 8am and after a short wait, he was taken into an office to see a man who appeared to be in his early 40s.

The man extended his hand, “Hi, I am Doctor Robert McPherson. I assume you are Steve Kelton.”

Steve shook his hand, “That’s me.”

“I am a licensed doctor like Doctor Johnson but I specialize in behavior science testing. She referred you as she thought you would make a good subject. First, I want you to know that everything you say is completely confidential. Second, the tests are a series of questions that probably won’t make sense but give me insight into your psyche and help me with a study I’m completing. Third, I’ve given a similar form of this test over the years and only use the information to track behavior patterns, Fourth, your personal information will never be divulged without your consent. Fifth, I am going to give Doctor Johnson a copy of the results as the referring doctor. Are you ok with all that?”

Steve nodded, “Sure.”

“Any questions?”

“Nope.”

“Good. I need you to sign these forms and my assistant will soon be with you and give the actual tests.”

“Thanks.”

Steve signed the forms and when he looked up, he realized Doctor McPherson was gone. He bet the doctor probably did the routine he’d just gone through a dozen times a day. Five minutes later a young woman that wasn’t much older than Steve entered the room and sat down.

“Hi I’m Candace, a graduate assistant for Doctor McPherson. As the doctor already explained, I’m going to give you a series of tests. To ensure privacy, I only know you from the test subject number written at the top of your form. We have a lot of ground to cover so try to answer the questions promptly and not get off topic. Are you ready to begin?”

Steve nodded his head and the questions started.

The doc was right that the questioning wouldn’t make sense. At first, it seemed focused on his background but soon switched in to a series of word problems, math problems, 3-d recognition, and all sorts of nonsensical questions. After the first hour, he was mentally exhausted and was thankful when she suggested they take a 5-minute break. It took another hour to finish the testing.

“How’d I do?”

“There really is no right or wrong answers. I will put all of this into the computer and the doctor will analyze the results.”

“I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“I’m sorry about that but it’s by design. We use different parts of our brains for different functions and he designed the test to get you out of your comfort zone. That makes you respond to the questions reflexively and then we repeat the test for all the different parts of your brain in a random nature. It isn’t foolproof but it gives us a better idea of how your brain works.”

“Well it certainly did something. Thanks for the explanation.”

Steve's nightly routine returned to the one he used before Thanksgiving. Temperatures dropped and Steve took Tim's advice to start wearing other items under his clothes. A daily addition was a sports bra that felt like an invisible shield. He couldn't explain it but it made him feel more confident. He also added to his vice by standing with the other smokers outside of class. He found a camaraderie with the group that he didn't expect as they all stood in defiance of the cold to satisfy their need for nicotine. The sports bra helped with this too as he knew at least one part of him would never be cold.

He'd given a lot of thought to the possibility of wearing a little makeup and in the end decided to wear light foundation to class with the pre-planned excuse of acne if anyone noticed. Steve knew he was getting dangerously close to the line but every step began to feel more natural and every day seemed a little brighter.

It felt like it had been a month since his last visit to the doctor due to the Thanksgiving holiday but it had only been two weeks. Steve wished they had more time.

“Afternoon Doc.”

“Hello Steve. You seem chipper today.”

“I have a lot to talk about. I could fill two sessions easy.”

“Well we better get started.”

Steve told her about his failed attempt to stop smoking and his drunken binge on Friday that ended with the police escort home.

Doctor Johnson laughed, “How’d your parents react to that? “

“They were disappointed but not as much as I would have expected. My dad made me do chores all day Saturday but he took me out for a beer on Saturday night.”

“Your dad sounds like a good guy.”

“He is. I’m really lucky.”

“Is there any particular reason you got drunk on Friday?”

“I don’t know. One minute I was sitting there trying to be good and my cousin was needling me to have a cigarette because she saw my nicotine gum. Next thing I know I’m waking up with a really bad hangover.”

“You have mentioned drinking a before but never whiskey and never to that extent. Did anything in particular set you off?”

“I don’t know I was just mad.”

The doctor made a few notes. While she wrote, Steve changed subjects.

“There was something I found out while I was home that was a bit of a surprise. When I was 7 years old I dressed in women’s clothes. To my knowledge, I only did it twice and only at the encouragement of my cousin but the result was counseling sessions with my pastor. That pissed me off.”

“Do you remember what you talked about as a kid?”

Steve said, “I don’t remember much. I remember meeting with him all the time but I had no idea why we met. I do know the idea of dressing in women’s clothes is a concept that isn’t too popular in my hometown. He told me that we talked about Bible verses that discussed morality and that we did a lot of praying.”

“It sounds like you have a lot of people that care for you in your hometown.”

“They do but they wouldn’t understand this. It’s not like I want to do this. I feel like I have to do this. Hell, I don’t even understand it but those books were a big help.”

“Oh yeah. Which ones?”

“I checked out 'Human Sexuality' and 'Understanding Gender'. I'm still working on the first but the last one made the comments from the last session make more sense.”

“How’s that?”

Steve pulled out his notebook. “After I read it I put this together. The way I see it I’m like 100% genetic male, 80% sexual male, 60% social male, and my gender ID is 50% male. In other words, I’m more in touch with my feminine side than most guys.”

Doctor Johnson laughed, “I think you are oversimplifying Steve but I’m glad the books got you to think. Let me ask you a tough question that I’ve been holding off because I wanted you to do a little soul searching. It sounds like you have done that so here it is – we’ve briefly talked about your crossdressing but not much about you. There are many reasons people crossdress. Some people crossdress to roleplay with their partners, some crossdress for sexual stimulation, and others crossdress because they just like to crossdress. There is another group that crossdresses that feels like they are a woman trapped in a man’s body. I noticed that you said you identified yourself as 50% male but when you are alone you live 100% of the time alone as a female. Why is that?”

“Wow doc.” Doctor Johnson looked at Steve but didn’t say a word. “You sure ask tough questions. I really don’t know.”

“Then let me ask you this … why only crossdress in private?”

“I just can’t do it in public. People would stare.”

“That may be true but let me ask you another question. Have you ever had fantasies about being changed into a woman?”

“Occasionally.”

Doctor Johnson asked, “How did you feel in your fantasy as a woman?”

“I loved it.”

“One last question – Imagine I could change you into a woman with no repercussions. Let’s say you were a woman and no one else ever knew any different. Would you do it?”

Steve said, “I don’t know. I mean I like the idea a lot. If no one knew any different I think I would. Yeah, I like that.”

“Why?”

Steve thought about it for a while then spoke, “Because it would make me happy. Because I think it might be who I am.”

Doctor Johnson jotted down a note then asked, “So am I hearing you right that the only reason that you don’t change into a woman is because of the ramifications?”

“I guess so.”

“Are you happy right now?”

“I think so.”

“Then why did you drink yourself into oblivion on Friday night?”

Steve noticed the doctor was asking the questions quicker, “I was angry.”

“Why were you angry?”

“I don’t know!”

“Come on Steve. Why were you angry?”

Steve shouted, “I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST SO DAMNED PISSED OFF AT SANDY BECAUSE SHE KEPT WANTING ME TO SMOKE AND I JUST DIDN’T TO BECAUSE I KNEW SOMEONE WOULD SEE AND TELL MY PARENTS!!! SHE KEPT BADGERING AND BADGERING ME AND I JUST HAD TO HAVE A CIGARETTE.”

“Is it possible that isn’t the only reason you were angry?”

“You mean because I wasn’t “dressing”.”

“It’s crossdressing. Not dressing. Crossdressing. You are crossdressing. I want you to say the words.”

“Why?”

Doctor Johnson said, “Because words are important. Have you ever thought why you can’t say it? What you are doing is called crossdressing. That makes you are a crossdresser. Or would you prefer the older terminology transvestite?”

Steve turned his head and answered in a soft voice, “Crossdresser is fine.”

“What?”

He turned around. “You can call me a crossdresser. I am a crossdresser. I like crossdressing! Are you happy?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “A little. Now was there another possible reason why were you angry?”

“Because I couldn’t crossdress?”

Doctor Johnson smiled again. “We are over on time so we are going to have to pick it up there next week.”

“What?I?! That’s not fair doc. I have a lot more to talk about.”

“We will do that next week. In the meantime, I want you to think about why you have so much trouble talking about what makes you happy and who you really think you are. True happiness comes from within.”

“You are frustrating doc!”

Doctor Johnson said, “I know but believe it or not I actually know what I’m doing here.”

Steve stared in anger then turned away.

Chapter 12

Final exams approached and Steve spent most of his time in his apartment studying. He had just started on Saturday when there was a knock on the door. He normally ignored the knocks as it usually was a salesman as his friends had stopped coming by a long time ago. He knew from experience they’d go away after a while.

“Steve?”

He recognized the voice, “Is it? … Nah, that’s impossible.”

His cell phone started ringing about 5 seconds later.

“Steve I know you are in there. I can hear your cell phone and I saw your car outside. Open the damned door!”

Why was Sandy here? He looked at down and saw he was fully dressed … err crossdressed … and had caked on the makeup a bit hurriedly that morning. There was no way he could let her in.

“Steve, I got mom’s car and drove two hours to get here and I’m not going away. Do I have to get the manager and tell him I think you’re dead? You know I will.”

“Goddamn it Sandy!” he thought to himself. He walked over to the door looked through the peephole. He saw Sandy quietly smoking a cigarette.

“Five seconds Steve!”

He shouted through the door, “Goddammit Sandy I’m studying for finals! I don’t have time this.”

She turned on her charming voice and said, “You could at least let me in.”

“Not gonna happen.”

Sandy said, “Steve I already know you are gay. I don’t care if you have a guy in there. I just want to talk.”

The thought his cousin was on the right track caused him to shout a bit louder than he meant. “I’m not gay Sandy!”

“Then let me in!”

“No!”

“Why?”

Steve tried to think of an excuse. “Ummm … my place is a mess.”

“I bet mine’s worse and I’d let you in.”

Steve thought about the situation for a minute and snapped. He knew he might regret the next moment for the rest of his life but the words ‘what the hell’ popped into his head. Steve opened the door.

“Happy?”

Sandy stood silent for a moment and then burst out laughing.

Steve slammed the door then ran to the bathroom. He heard Sandy open the door behind him and heard her shout. “I’m sorry Steve. I wasn’t expecting that.”

“Fuck off Sandy!”

“Steve, I’m really sorry!”

Steve could hear rustling outside the bathroom door so he knew Sandy hadn't left. He washed the makeup from his face and changed clothes.

Sandy confirmed she was in the living room when she shouted loud enough from him to hear, “You know it could be worse! I could be your mom.”

Steve couldn't help himself and smiled at the horror of that thought. Five minutes later Steve exited the bathroom dressed in men's clothing. “Let’s get this over with.”

Sandy gave a sarcastic smile, “Get what over with?”

Steve felt himself getting annoyed, “What do you want?”

Sandy said, “I’m here because I was worried about you so I got mom’s car and drove down.”

Steve said, “Did you ever think to call first?”

“Do you think I don’t know you’d say no? I thought I’d surprise you.”

“Mission accomplished.” Steve leaned against the kitchen table and stared at Sandy with his arms crossed.

Sandy said, “For the record, I only laughed because those shoes did not go with that outfit.”

“Jesus Christ Sandy!”

Sandy said, “I’m sorry, bad jokes are how I deal with stressful situations. And it happens to be the truth.”

“Whatever. It’s probably a little late to say this but I’d appreciate if today’s events stayed between you and I.”

“I told you last week I had your back! But since you mentioned it … what was with the outfit?”

“I like to … uh ... cross-dress but I really can’t explain it. The only thing I can say is gradually over time I have found myself intrigued with the idea. It wasn’t something I felt I could do back home but there’s a lot more freedom here at school.”

Sandy asked, “Is that why you stopped seeing your friends?”

Steve said, “How'd you hear about that?” Steve shook his head, “Nevermind, it doesn't matter.”

Steve took a deep breath and continued, “I decided to do this over the summer. The trust fund gave me the ability to afford my own place and I didn’t want anyone to know. I can’t explain it but when I’m dressed up I’m happy. It’s starting to feel like a drug habit and I’m looking for my next fix. That’s why I’m seeing the shrink, that’s why I was reading the books you saw, that’s why I got so mad last Friday and probably why I got wasted.”

“Huh?”

“I was deflecting. I’m learning all sorts of fun things about myself in therapy. You should try it.”

“I probably should. God knows I’m messed up.”

“Too true.” Steve punched his cousin in the shoulder.

“Ouch.”

“In all seriousness Sandy I haven’t been happy for a long time and I’m just beginning to realize it. Our hometown is a big ball of repression and I’ve always tried to do the right thing. I’ve got all these emotions swirling inside me with memories spinning in my head like a pinball machine. Different emotions are starting to come to the surface. That’s why I’ve got the Doc to help me sort everything out.”

“That’s some pretty heavy shit.”

Steve said, “Yeah it is and that’s why I’ve pretty much become a hermit. I can’t even imagine telling anyone at home.”

“That would be tough. Our hometown isn’t the most understanding place but you never know. I’m here and I’m ok with it. I actually think it is pretty cool.”

“No you don’t. I can see you sitting there judging me and you are a lot more understanding than the people back home.”

Sandy said, “Dramatic much? You don’t know how I feel. I admit I’m not exactly used to the idea but give me some time. I’ve had exactly 30 minutes to process it.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room as Sandy said nothing so Steve gently punched her in the arm again.

“Ouch dammit that hurts.”

“Sorry, punching you seemed like a good way to relieve the tension. It was too quiet and I hate to be like this. I do need you to leave because I really need to study if I’m going to have a chance at a job after graduation.”

Sandy said, “You know that isn’t going to happen. I’ll make you a deal. I had a long drive here and I’m hungry. What do you say we goto the mall and get some food. While we are there we will get you some proper clothes.”

Steve asked, “Proper clothes?”

“Steve, how many outfits do you have?”

“Two full ones with a lot of odds and ends.”

“And you’ve been wearing them non-stop for the last 3 months?”

Steve laughed, “I get your point but it’s hard to know what is going to fit from a picture on the internet.”

“It’s too bad you don’t know someone that could get you into a woman’s clothing store without drawing undue attention.”

Steve nodded, “So you are offering to be my cover?”

“Exactly.” Sandy started to laugh then stopped. “Sorry, I don't mean to laugh but I’m still getting used to this.”

Before Steve could think of an excuse, Sandy had him in the mall going store to store looking at dozens of dresses, blouses, shoes, and undergarments. In a few places, Steve was even able to sneak into the dressing room to make sure everything fit. When they got home, Steve looked at the pile of boxes they placed on his floor.

“That was a bit over the top don’t you think?”

They unpacked everything and separated the items into piles of nighties, women’s underwear, bra’s, shirts and pants for casual wear, blouses and skirts for more formal occasions, 4 pairs of heels plus a few pair of flats. Finally there was some cheap jewelry and higher quality makeup Sandy insisted he purchase.

Steve said, “Why did you have me buy so much?”

Sandy answered, “Steve, if you are going to do something you need to do it right. If you are insistent on being a hermit crossdresser then I insist you be the best damned hermit cross-dresser possible. Speaking of which … where did you learn to put on makeup?”

Steve shrugged, “Youtube has some great online tutorials. Why?”

Sandy laughed, “If what I saw this morning was an example of your best work then you definitely need my help.”

“I was in a hurry and I wasn’t expecting company.”

“Uh huh sure... Go wash your face and hair and I will set up out here.”

Ten minutes later Steve was back at the kitchen table.

Sandy said, “Most girls would kill for your hair. It’s so long and has so much body. A good stylist could make this look very cute.”

“Well that’s not gonna happen.”

“That’s too bad. I will do what I can with it. Do you have a curler?”

“No.”

“No curler? Wow. Every true cross-dresser needs a curler. You can have the one in my travel bag. What about tweezers?”

Steve said, “There's some in the bathroom. Why?”

Sandy said, “You need learn to pluck your eyebrows.”

She came back a minute later and started plucking.

“Ouch! That hurts! Stop it.”

“You need your eyebrows plucked if this is going to work.”

Steve said, “You do understand the concept that I don’t want anyone to know about this.”

Sandy answered, “Most guys should pluck their eyebrows they just don’t. Trust me, I know where to stop.”

Steve sat patient as the next half hour Sandy plucked, curled and styled his hair until finally the torment stopped and she smiled at the result.

Sandy said, “I’m no professional but I have to say I did a damned good job. Now go into the bathroom and shave your legs, chest and armpits.”

“Sandy, I’m not gonna do that.”

Sandy said, “Do you know how ridiculous hairy legs look in those hose I saw this morning? Anyway it’s all the rage for guys to shave themselves as it makes them look better. If that isn’t enough to convince you, it’s like 30 degrees outside and you will be bundled up most of the time. Who’s going to notice?”

“I don’t know. You are taking this too far. I just do it in the privacy of my home and nobody can see me.”

“Exactly Steve, why not look your best if only for yourself?”

Steve knew she was right. He said, “I’m know I’m going to regret this.”

As he started to shave Steve looked in the mirror. Sandy had done a nice job with his hair. He normally pulled it back into a pony tail but she had curled it in such a way that gave his hair more body than he thought possible. The eyebrows were noticeably thinner and slightly arched but not to an extreme so he didn’t think that anyone would notice. Five minutes later he finished shaving and went back into the living room.

He crossed his arms, “Damn, it’s a lot colder without body hair.”

“You do realize that women don’t just wear hose in winter just for fashion. Hose or tights are a necessity for me after October if I ever wear something that shows my knees. It's too cold otherwise.”

Steve nodded, “I guess that makes sense. This feels odd though.”

“You get used to it. Sit down in the chair. I’m now going to show you how to apply makeup.”

“This is so embarrassing Sandy.”

“Your complaints are getting old Steve. If I can accept the idea of you cross-dressing, you can get used to the idea of me knowing about it. Now sit down.”

Steve resigned himself to following Sandy’s plan. He’d forgotten how persuasive she could be but it was nice to have a woman's help. Sandy gave pointers on everything from how to best apply mascara and eyeliner, to the colors of eyeshadow she thought complemented his skin tone, and which lipstick to wear. She worked for about a half hour then painted his fingernails with a bright red lacquer they'd bought that afternoon. Just as Steve's patience was about to give out he heard her shout.

“Ta-da! My work is finished.” Sandy turned the mirror and Steve looked at himself. The person staring back looked closer to the person of his dreams than anything he'd ever accomplished.

“Wow Sandy. It looks amazing.”

“I have to admit I can’t believe how different you look.”

Steve watched as his cousin took off her shirt to reveal the lacy black bra beneath.

Sandy asked, “Can I take a quick shower?”

Sandy's action surprised him. Had Sandy gotten so comfortable with the idea of him as a girl that she was willing to start undressing in front of him? It didn't seem possible. Steve nodded his head. “Go ahead.”

Sandy added, “Don’t move from that chair as your nails need to dry. I will be out in 15 minutes.”

Steve was glad for the quiet. He thought back to the day's events while he stole glances at himself in the mirror. It’s amazing what the combination of hair styling, a good eyebrow plucking and the expert application of makeup did to a person’s face. He didn’t recognize himself.

Sandy walked out few minutes later. “You know how everyone has always teased you for looking young but I realized today that you aren’t as young looking as you are feminine. I honestly can’t believe how good you look. If I didn’t know you I probably wouldn’t even notice.” Sandy had the look of inspiration on her face. “That settles it. We are going out for drinks tonight!”

“Huh?” Steve shook his head after he realized what she was asking. “No way!”

“Why not?”

“Do we have to go over this again? I have a lot of studying and I don’t go outside dressed like this. You are like the 4^th person on the planet that even knows about this and you want me to go out in public?”

Sandy said, “It’s not like anyone will notice and if they do … fuck ‘em. I know a lot of women that are a lot uglier than you and you’d be surprised how many people are oblivious to the things that happen around them. That's especially true when they are drunk.”

“I might see someone I know. I’d never live it down.”

Sandy said, “Then we will go to the city. It’s not far and I know lots of clubs there. I promise you that you won’t see anyone you’d know. They’d never recognize you anyway. Let’s finish getting you ready.”

Steve said, “You’ve planned this all along haven’t you.”

“No, but when you told me you hadn't gotten out much I thought back to how you acted back at Conrads. You need to get out more and I decided a day full of shopping, then a makeover followed by a night out on the town were just what you needed. Of course I couldn’t tell you that because you’d never agree.”

Steve pulled off his shirt and started putting on the padded bra. “I forgot how manipulative you were.”

Steve noticed Sandy staring at his shirtless chest. She asked, “Have you lost weight?”

Steve said, “Nice attempt to change the subject.”

“I’m serious. You look skinny. I mean you were always skinny but you are getting rail thin. How much do you weigh?”

“I was about 155 when I graduated high school but that was a combination of mom’s food and weightlifting for football. I wasn't much more than that about six months ago when Kathy and I broke up. When I decided to do this over the summer, I went on a crash diet and I'm sure I'm getting close to 140 lbs these days. Cigarettes can be an amazing substitute for food though I'm sure no doctor would recommend it.”

Sandy laughed, “I'm sure that's true.”

Steve pulled up the skirt and Sandy helped him button the blouse.

Sandy said, “You are only a little bit bigger than an ideal woman your height. Just looking at you I gotta say that you pretty much pull it off.”

“You think? You can’t tell its me?”

“Of course I can tell but I know you.”

“What if you didn’t?”

“I might wonder if I looked. I mean something seems off but then most people aren’t very observant. What’s the worst that can happen?”

“A bunch of guys could figure it out, call me a freak then beat the shit out of me?”

“You worry too much. You were the one that was complaining that you never go out. Here’s your chance!”

“I really don’t want to.”

“Yes you do and besides, I drove all this way and I’m not spending the night playing dress up in your apartment. Either you stay like dressed like that or change. Either way we are going out. It’s your choice.”

Steve thought about it for a few moments. It’s dark, it’s getting late. Most people will be drunk and their vision impaired. It’s not like he’d never thought about doing it. He'd dreamed of a day he could try and its not like anyone would know him.

“Ok, but we have a problem. I don’t have an ID that looks like … this.”

“Leave it to me. You don’t think I only started going to bars since I turned 21 do you? I know half the guys that check ID in the city. Most of them don’t even check the IDs for women. It won’t be a problem. That reminds me. I can’t call you Steve in the bar. What should I call you?”

Steve thought for a seconds and only one name came to him, “Sara. You can call me Sara.”

45 minutes later they arrived at the bar that Sandy said would be perfect.

Steve took a last look in the mirror. “How do I look?”

“Like a guy in a dress.”

“Really?” Steve turned and saw the smile on Sandy's face.

“Just kidding! You look fine. Let’s go.”

The pulsing beat of the music paced them as they walked through the parking lot but the closer they got Steve felt like he was about to pass out. The man at the door saw Sandy and waved her in and Steve thanked god that he didn't bother to look too close at him. Steve arched his shoulders at he passed the threshold. It felt as if a thousand pounds had lifted from his shoulders and he felt like dancing on the spot that Sandy was right. He'd made it in! As a girl!

Sandy didn't seem nearly as affected, “Let’s find a table.”

Steve saw the bright lights cascading through the bar and his nerves returned in a flash, “One in the back sounds good. The darker the better.”

“Umm Sara … do you have a cold or something? Your voice… it sounds deeper than I remember.”

Steve looked at Sandy a bit puzzled for a bit then realized. Oh yeah voice. Steve coughed then attempted to change his voice up about a half an octave. “Sorry had something in my throat. Sound better now?”

“A bit but that’s something you need to work on if you want to leave home.”

“That’s funny. I really have never thought about my voice.”

Sandy just laughed.

They sat down and ordered some drinks. After their second round, Steve inhibitions had lowered to the point where he felt ok to go out on the dance floor.

Steve had always felt self conscious at high school dances. Some of the guys went out on the dance floor but most of them stayed on the sidelines and he was no different. What was it about girls that made them not care? Was it the fact they usually danced in packs?

Steve realized he was mimicking the shuffle dance most of the boys at his high school used whenever their girlfriends forced them out on the dance floor. Arms at the waist, one step right, one step left, add a head bob and repeat. Steve noticed Sandy laughing and stopped to watch her dance for a moment. Her arms and legs didn't seem attached to her body but somehow she kept them in rhythm to the music. Sandy saw him watching shouted,

“Just have fun! Do what you want!”

Steve tried to copy her moves but found it impossible as she had no pattern. The fact he was wearing two inch heels didn't help either. It wasn't like he hadn't danced in heels in the privacy of his home. He'd spent many nights doing little else but that was different. No one was watching. Steve closed his eyes and pretended he was in his living room. He forced a thought that time and place no longer existed it was just him and the music. Steve began to move his arms and felt his hips begin to sway like he'd practiced a thousand times when no one watched. He opened his eyes and saw Sandy wink at him. Around him were dozens of bodies all moving to their own beat. He closed his eyes and imagined he was just another wave in an ocean of bodies as he let the music dictate his next move.

The songs felt like they lasted for hours but Steve felt surprising disappointment when he heard a slow song start. A look at Sandy set them both to laughter again and they headed off the dance floor.

When they got close to the table Sandy shouted over the music, “You know St…Sara. I’m really starting to like this. Before today I’d never thought you and I would ever spend a day shopping for clothes then top it off with a makeover and dancing. Your dancing has certainly improved since Conrad's.”

Steve shook his head but he'd grown used to Sandy's barbs years before. He waited until he sat before answering. “You seem to be pretty accepting of this. Of me.”

Sandy said, “Oh I’m still struggling but not in a bad way. I’m just trying to reconcile the person I knew with the person I see. “

Steve asked, “How‘s that working for you?”

“Honestly it isn’t hard to accept you like this. It fits in an odd sort of way. I mean you’ve always been a little different. As much as you’ve always tried to be your dad it just wasn’t you.”

Two guys approached their table and Sandy started talking to them. Steve's comfort immediately turned to anxiety. He prayed they wouldn't look in his direction but Steve noticed both sneaking quick looks. One of them asked him a question but Steve turned his head and ignored him entirely. Once it was clear he wanted them to leave they moved on to another table of girls.

Sandy said, “Why’d you do that? They were cute.”

“You can’t be serious Sandy. First of all I’m not gay so I have no desire to flirt with guys, second the last thing I need is you hooking up with someone and leaving me all alone and third if I haven’t made it perfectly clear I don’t anyone to find out. You realize this isn’t a game and we are talking about messing with real people.”

“You are overreacting. What did you think was going to happen?”

Steve's face felt flush. “I don’t know but I’m ready to go.”

“Seriously? We just got here.”

“This wasn’t a good idea.”

Sandy asked, “You aren’t having fun?”

“Yes and no. Right now it feels like every person in here is looking at me.”

Sandy laughed, “They aren’t. Guys are here to find cute girls and despite my best efforts you aren’t that cute. I know from personal experience that no one notices the ugly girls until after 1AM.”

That only made Steve's anxiety worse. “Jesus Sandy! Do you really think I want to hear that?.”

Sandy raised her hands in a mock apology, “Sorry.”

Steve explained, “Look. You might be right that no one will care but I know how guys think and if any of them realized I was a guy dressed like this then I’d be the center of attention and not in a good way. It doesn’t matter either way because I just need to leave. Now!”

Steve grabbed his purse and headed for the exit. He was grateful when he heard Sandy follow him outside.

The car ride was uncomfortably quiet until Sandy broke the silence. “OK, let’s move on to Plan B.”

Steve asked, “Plan B?”

Sandy pulled into a convenience store, “Yep. Be right back.” She returned about five minutes later with a case of coolers. “I know this town too well for the night to end at 11pm. We are going to make our own party.”

“Where are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

Ten minutes later and Sandy pulled into a park.

Steve said, “It’s a little late for a picnic don’t you think.”

“Nah. I used to hang out here in high school all the time. Lots of privacy.”

Steve lit a cigarette and grabbed a cooler from the case. “Seems quiet.”

Sandy laughed, “It’s not always like this. It’s a bit late in the year to find many people out here.” She lit a cigarette and sat next to Steve. “I just realized the answer to something I was wondering about last week.”

“What’s that?”

“You don’t find many guys who smoke 100s and even fewer that would smoke that brand. It is definitely targeted towards women.”

“Honestly I just smoke these because they are what I’m used to. This is what my ex smoked and I picked up the habit by stealing them from her.”

“Do you think about her a lot?”

“I don’t think about her much anymore. I think we are different people. Of course my obsession with cross-dressing took off while we were dating and she couldn’t handle it. I don’t blame her but the breakup was bad.”

Sandy asked, “Why do you do it? Why do you crossdress?”

Steve said, “I don’t know. I just need to do it. Like I’ve told you a few times -- I can’t explain it.”

“You seem to be obsessed.”

Steve nodded, “There's no doubt about that.”

Sandy said, “I don’t want to be pushy but I’m just not sure I understand what you are doing.”

“Join the company.”

“That’s a cop out and you know it. It can’t be as simple as that. You aren’t controlled by your urges. Everyone has urges. For instance, I really wanted to have sex with the tall guy who came to our table but I’m here with you instead. I controlled my urges for you.”

Steve looked at Sandy and gave her a smirk, “Thanks for that but that’s the thing. I don’t want to control my urge to crossdress.”

“So instead you’d prefer to live in total isolation.”

“For now yeah. In the long run I don’t know. I just can’t let anyone find out.”

“I’m not sure I’m buying what you are saying Steve… or should I call you Sara. Or does it matter? The thing is you seem to have taken this to an extreme. Do you want to live as a woman?

“I don’t know Sandy. I think I might.”

Sandy didn't speak for a moment, “Wow. I didn’t know it had gone that far.”

They sat in silence. Steve said, “My shrink and I are talking about that right now. She’s taking it slow which is good I guess but I can see from what I’ve read that I’m borderline gender dysphoric.”

“Huh?”

After a long drink of his cooler, Steve explained, “It basically means that my body is one thing but my mind thinks I’m another.”

Sandy asked, “Really? And you think your mind is female?”

“The truth is no one is 100% one or the other in their mind. The real question is whether it is a fetish or a way of life. That’s where I am right now and I don’t know the answer.”

“Are you sure? If I had a magic wand and could wave it and change you so that everything about you is the same except you are a genetic girl would you do it? “

“That’s a silly question because real life isn’t that simple.”

“Why isn’t it that simple?”

“Because I don’t think I could handle the backlash.”

“So instead you sit alone in your apartment just waiting for the day when you get enough courage to kill yourself. Good plan. I gotta tell you Steve … I haven’t been completely honest with you. I didn’t come here on a spur of the moment. Did any of your friends call you this week and let you know that your mom called them?”

Steve shook his head. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Sandy said, “I wish I was. After Thanksgiving Pastor Dan met with your parents and told them he got a bad vibe from your talk. That led your mom to track down some of your friends she knew from previous years and ask about you. Imagine her surprise when all of them said you didn’t return their calls. You know your mom had to be desperate to call my dad to ask me to pop in for a visit. The funny thing is I think they are worried that you are upset about doing bad in school. I doubt they’d ever guess the truth.”

“You might be surprised. Did you know that when we were kids that I had special counseling sessions with Pastor Dan?”

“Vaguely. I remember you had private sessions with him. A lot of us were jealous.”

“Do you remember the Thanksgiving when you dressed me up in your clothes?”

Sandy nodded,“Yeah that was hoot but as I recall it was my idea. Oh god … is your cross-dressing because of that? It's all my fault!?!?”

Steve laughed, “It doesn’t work that way. From what I gathered from my conversation with Pastor Dan I guess I’d done a few other things that worried my parents and that was just the last straw. I’m guessing the counseling sessions were supposed to “cure” me of my abnormal behavior. I don’t remember much though. I was pretty young.”

Sandy said, “That’s terrible!”

“It explains a lot as I look back. All through my childhood I remember being worried that I’d do something wrong by doing it the girly way. I became a great practitioner of watching other boys then mimicking their actions. Why would I do that unless it was something I learned?”

“Wow. What did your shrink say about that?”

“I haven’t told her yet. After I spoke to Pastor Dan about the whole thing has bugged me and I kind of just figured it out in the last few days.”

Sandy nodded, “And so now they sent me up here to spy on you.”

Steve said, “Yeah. I know their hearts are in the right place but I’m pissed right now.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

“I really don’t know.”

Sandy gave an evil grin, “I have an idea that will piss everyone off, protect your secret and let you cross-dress as much as you want.”

Steve smiled back, “Really? What is it?”

“Come and stay with me and mom for the holiday. I know mom would be cool with it and the only catch is you’d have to trust her. I totally vouch for her though.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Did you ever hear the story of why mom left dad and why she left town?”

“No.”

“Mom’s a lesbian.”

“No fucking way!”

“It’s not something we talk about back home. It’s the real reason mom left dad and why we moved to the city. It’s also why dad’s family pretty much have erased her from all family discussion. Come to think of it … she’d be a great person for you to talk to … if anyone knows about backlash it’s her.”

“That would be nice.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Yeah I think I might.”

“Awesome!”

Steve and Sandy sat quiet as they finished their drinks. Steve broke the silence, “I appreciate you coming here for me Sandy but I really do need to study tomorrow. Will you take me home?”

Sandy agreed, “Well I usually like to close the bars but I admit this has been a pretty eventful day for both of us.”

Sandy left early the next morning and Steve promised to call her later that week once he'd decided. He spent the rest of the day studying frantically as he tried to prepare for his finals. He knew it was probably a futile effort but it was a good way to clear his mind. Tim came over later that night and as they watched a DVD Steve filled him in on Sandy’s idea.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’d love to talk to Doc Johnson but I get the impression that’s one of the reasons she wanted me to reach out to you. You know, give me a support system to help me bounce ideas off and make my own decisions.”

“That sounds like her. So bounce away.”

“I really want to call my mom and yell at her for being so sneaky.”

“Don’t be too hard on her. I’m sure she was just worried about you.”

“I’m sure that is part of it but the more I think about it the angrier I get. You don’t know what it is like living in a rural town. Everyone knows everyone else’s business and there’s a community norm that is expected. I know it’s an excuse but I wonder if my reaction to you was influenced by these people.”

“Trust me you don’t need to be brainwashed to be a bigoted idiot. Most people do that all by themselves.”

“I know you’re right but I was only a little kid. Who knows what kind of damage those sessions did to me?”

“Parents have been screwing up kids since the beginning of time. They are only doing the best they can. Trust me. I have every reason to hate my parents but I feel sorrier for them than anything else.”

“How can you be so forgiving?”

“Why do you think I’ve been meeting with Dr Johnson? It’s taken me a long time to get through my anger. My parents were supposed to support me. I worked up the courage to tell them my most private emotions and they reject me? A guy can build up a lot of resentment in a situation like that.

Steve nodded, “No doubt.”

“I have learned one thing though. Ignoring it won’t make the pain go away.”

“So you think I should go home?”

“I didn’t say that. I think you should do what makes you happy and not what you think will piss off your mom.”

“That makes sense and I’ve made my decision.”

“And…”

“I don’t think I could take 3 weeks of lying to my parents and I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay here either. So that only leaves one option, I’m going to stay with my aunt.”

Tim smiled, “I’m glad to hear that. I didn’t want to influence your decision but do you remember where I’m from?”

“Sorry I don’t.”

“I live in the city about a half hour from your aunt.”

“That’s clinches it then.”

“We definitely should hook up. I’ve already got a few ideas.”

Tim’s comment gave Steve a mental image he pushed out before it had a chance to form. “Sounds like fun.”

“Now all you need to do is let your mom know.”

“That’s gonna suck.”

“Yep.”

The conversation with his mom was as bad as he feared. He initially tried to soften the blow by saying he was going to stay at school but when it was obvious that wasn’t going to work he confronted her about sending Sandy to spy on him.

“What was I supposed to do? I was worried!”

“I appreciate that mom but I don’t appreciate you butting into my business right now. You don’t need to worry, I’m staying with Aunt Margerie. She doesn’t live far from here.“ That did little to calm her.

“But you’ll miss Christmas!”

“I’ll keep in touch. Aren’t you the one that always complains that I’m always running up your long distance bills when I’m home?”

“I’m sorry Steve.”

“Mom you don’t need to apologize. I just need a little alone time.”

“But you aren’t going to be alone. I’m not even sure what to tell everyone. They are all going to expect you to be here.”

“Mom. It’s just better that I don’t come home right now. Please trust me.” Even though his Mom had never been the emotional type he could hear her Mom crying on the other side of the phone. “Mom please don’t cry. I still love you.”

His Mom shouted, “I’m not crying!”

“Well you are making me want to cry so I’m going to need to hang up. Tell Dad I love him.”

“I love you too son and please call me anytime day or night.”

As he hung up the phone he considered her last comment. She must be worried. He knew it was always difficult for her to express emotions.

He called Sandy after he hung up and let her know the news.

“Fantastic! Mom’s going to be so excited. It’s been a long time since we’ve had family over for the holidays. Usually it’s just me, mom, and Kristy.”

“Who’s Kristy?”

“She's Mom’s live in friend.”

Steve thought about it for a minute then the truth dawned on him, “OHHHH. Well I look forward to meeting her.”

Chapter 13

Steve spent the next 3 days studying and taking his final exams. He knew it would be a miracle if he finished higher than a 2.0 average for the semester as they went about as well as expected.

Doctor Johnson was the only person in the office when he arrived for their Thursday meeting.

Steve saw her at her desk when he opened the door to her office. “I wasn’t sure if anyone was here. This place is empty.”

“Yeah everyone is pretty much headed home for the holidays. It happens every year. I’m glad you didn’t cancel as we really needed to have a follow up before the holiday.”

Steve said, “Yeah I got a little out of control and a lot has happened since then that I need to tell you.”

“Well my 3 pm appointment canceled so we have plenty of time.”

“That’s good.”

“When we left off where you said you felt it was possible that you were angry because you couldn’t cross-dress at home. Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Is there more to it than that?”

“I think so. I think I was angry because I’ve been able to fool myself that I was living secretly as a woman for the last three months and when that was taken away I just couldn’t cope.”

Doctor Johnson said, “Going to a bar and drinking the better part of a fifth of whiskey probably didn’t help either.”

Steve laughed, “Speaking of bars. I went out on Saturday night.”

“That's good.”

“I went out crossdressed.” Steve waited to see if their was a reaction to the ease at which said that word crossdressed. It felt good to say it.

Doctor Johnson smiled as she made a note, “Even better. Where'd you go?”

“My cousin and I ...”

“You told your cousin?”

Steve said, “It's a long story doc but suffice it to say my cousin surprised me and we went out.

“Where did you go?”

“A bar in the city.

Doctor Johnson made a note as she responded, “That's great news Steve but you need to remember to be careful. Not everyone is understanding.”

“I know and that's why I left but I did stay for an hour and I can't stop thinking about it. I was scared and happy then nervous and happy all over again. It's made me wonder about something and I'd like your honest opinion.”

“Go on.”

“Do you think that my Gender ID is female?”

Doctor Johnson shook her head, “I can’t answer that.”

“Why not? I figured that’s what the test was you had me take would tell me.”

“The test is merely a scientific exercise to determine the way your brain works. All it does is measure affinities but ultimately only you know what you are. So let me turn the question around – Do you think your Gender ID is female? Last time we discussed it you said you thought you were 50% / 50% Male/Female.”

“It’s a hard question doc. I think my mind works similar to most females and I know I like wearing their clothes. I just wish I didn't.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I don't know. I've had a lot of time to think and I've realized the hundreds of times in my life where I deferred to another boy because I wanted to see how he did it first. It’s like a have a built in mechanism to eliminate any girlish behavior.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Steve shrugged, “Have you ever lived in a small town?”

Doctor Johnson nodded, “I grew up in a town of 1,500 people.”

“Then you should understand. Everyone conforms. The town ostracizes people outside the norm until they submit or they leave. Then there’s my meetings I mentioned last week with Pastor Dan. Or the fact I dressed up in girl’s clothing for my relatives on two separate occasions but don’t remember a thing. It’s like I’ve repressed the memories or something. It really makes me wonder if there were any other things I don’t remember.”

“The loss of memory is concerning.”

“I really think my mind has been in a war between what it wants and what it needs. Oh yeah and it seems I like guys now. I keep having mental images of me kissing Tim. That never used to happen.”

Doctor Johnson gave what Steve thought of as her comforting smile, “I wouldn’t read too much into it. Keep in mind that you’ve stopped dating and your pool of friends is non-existent. Humans are sexual creatures and when they don’t get it odd thoughts can happen. You should also remember that you are trying to get in touch with the female side of your brain and you know subconsciously that attraction to males is part of it. It doesn’t mean all of a sudden you like men better.”

“But I could be gay.”

“It’s possible but only you can answer that.”

“You still haven’t told me what the test said.”

“I’ve been waiting for the right moment because it is important you not over think the results. This is only a tool for diagnosis and not an exact science.”

“What does it say doc?”

“Well there’s a lot of different factors involved but your answers and brain activity was a 74% match to a baseline female in his previous studies.“

Steve spoke louder than he meant, “Fuck. Me.”

“I told you. It’s just a test so you shouldn’t read too much into it. There are many happily married males that have had the same results in his studies.”

Steve felt tears form, “But statistically not many.”

“No test can tell you how you feel. No one can do that for you.”

“I know Doc. It just confirms my fears and it sucks to hear.”

Doctor Johnson said, “You have many choices. You aren’t locked into anything.”

“I have two choices. Live as a freak and be happy or live normally and be miserable.”

“It’s really not that simple. I told you before you there are varying ways of dealing with this. Therapy is …”

“Doc I really don’t want to hear it right now. I’ve read your books. I’m pretty sure I know what you are going to say. My mind is racing right now because I’m just coming to terms with the fact I’ve been living a lie. Everything I’ve worked for, all my goals … they are gone.” He put his head in his hands and started to cry.

Dr. Johnson walked over to the coach, handed him a box of tissues, and put her arm around him. She said softly, “I know it doesn’t seem possible but it is going to get better.”

“WHAT THE FUCK DOC! YOU GIVE ME THAT CLICHÉ LINE? MY FREAKING LIFE IS OVER! MY DAD WILL NEVER ACCEPT ME AND NEITHER WILL MY FRIENDS ... FUCK. ME!”

“No one said this would be easy and there isn’t a perfect solution.”

“So does this mean I need to go on hormone replacements and get my dick cut off?”

“Steve come on. You are making great progress but you need to control yourself. You are starting to worry me.”

“You sound like my mom.”

“Is your mom worried about you?”

Steve stifled a sniffle, “Yeah. That's why my cousin visited me. My mom sent her to spy on me to make sure I was ok.”

Doctor Johnson asked, “Is it possible that she was just being a mom? Mom's worry a lot about their kids especially when they sense they are unhappy.”

“It's possible doc but she asked my cousin to visit which is how she found out about my secret. I'm lucky that I can trust Sandy. In fact I’m spending Christmas with her instead of going home.”

Doctor Johnson wrote something into her notepad, “Why are you doing that?”

“Well when I figured out part of my problem at Thanksgiving was that I couldn't stand dressed as male for four days I figured there’s no way I could handle it for 3 weeks. My cousin said I could crash with her and her mom.”

“Really?”

“Yeah they are kind of the black sheep of the family. It’s a long story but the good thing is Sandy assures me that I can cross-dress the entire time.”

“And you are comfortable with that?”

“Not really but you have to know Sandy. It’s hard to say no to her.”

Doctor Johnson said, “Steve I have to say I think you are handling this quite well.”

Steve nodded and took a deep breath, “Sorry about my outburst earlier. I’m just a bit high strung today. When I leave here I'm going to my aunt house. It's still hard for me to go outside crossdressed and that's doubly true when I know I'm going to see someone I know.”

Doctor Johnson said, “It's ok. You have a lot to think about.”

Steve asked, “So can I get hormone therapy if I want it?”

“Seriously Steve? You think that’s a good idea considering your outburst five minutes ago? We need to talk more before I’d consider it and frankly you need to be sure of your decision. You aren't there yet. “

“I know you're right Doc. I keep going back and forth between thinking how nice it might be to live as a woman but then I think about everyone back home. I don't think I can't face them but I can't continue the way I have in the past. It needs to end.”

Doctor Johnson closed her notepad, “I know Steve but you need patience. We will get there.” She paused for a moment then asked, “We’ve covered everything I wanted to talk about today. Was there something else?”

Steve said, “Nah. I’m good.”

“Well remember you have my number. I assume you won’t be on campus for the next three weeks so we will have our next appointment the Thursday after you return.”

“Sounds good doc.”