Come back soon…Part two

I’m sitting up a little more and trying to clean my face and get the snuffles from crying out when my mom comes in.

I hurt looking at her. Well sorta looking at her if my head wasn’t hanging down so low.

She looks tired, like scared, hurt, worried and stressed out with no sleep tired.

My heart does a little hurting mewl because she doesn’t deserve that, not after everything she’s been through.

See, mom’s a breast cancer survivor.

I feel like real shit for doing this now. I mean it’s not like I can take it back either though.

She comes in and she takes my hand and she rubs her hand over mine and she is just looking there first for a few minutes before looking at me.

“Why Mike?”

“That’s why mom.”

“I don’t understand, what’s why?”

“Mike…my name it’s not who I am?’

“Michael.”

(Sniffle-sob.) “No mom never, not really?”

“So you think you’re a girl?”

“I don’t think mom…I know, I’ve always known.” (Sniffle-sob.)

She takes some tissues and she wipes at my eyes and I let her but almost turn my head away. This, this conversation and he not getting it hurts…it always has but now it’s right here out in the open and it hurts somehow all the more for that.

“Honey, don’t be like that I’m trying to understand…we all are.”

(Sniffle.) “Really?”

“Yes really, it’s just this has kind of caught all of us flatfooted.”

“I guess.” (Sniffle.)

“Guess, well it’s kind of a shock when I get a call telling me that my second oldest tried to overdose and was found in women’s clothes.”

(Sniffle —sob.) “Sorry….” It comes out as a whine.

“You should be you doing this, it hurt us young lady.”

(Sniffle-gulp.) “…………..Wha…”

“What? You’re one of those Trans people that’s in the news and stuff…I’m your mother I’m not sitting at home knitting all the time I have the internet too.”

(Sniffle.) “Sorry it’s just…”

“I’m not sure that I get it but since you’ve been here and out for so long we’ve had a good number of doctors and a couple of shrinks stop by and check in on you and us and we’ve had some interesting talks too.”

(Sniffle.) “Really?”

“Yes really…Look. I’m willing to try but you have to meet us halfways with this and actually talk to us.”

(Sniffle —sob.) I look down again. “I couldn’t…”

“Heavens why not haven’t your father and I said that you kids could tell us anything?”

(Sob!) “Yes! I’m Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….” I start to bawl again and she schooches over to the bed and she holds me. “I’m so sorry mommy.”

“Why did you never tell us honey we could have done so much so sooner!”

“I was scared!” (Sob.) I bury my face into her stomach and she rocks me.

“Why, what did we do to make you so afraid of us?”

(Sob.) “Nothing!...You don’t have to do anything I was just scared…”

How do you explain how it feels? How you think it’s wrong yourself, how you doubt everything and how badly it still hurts when you finally get why you’re hurting? Hi1 I’m your child that you’ve loved and cared for in a certain way all of my life only I’m not really that person that you love so much I’m someone else.

And having a dad…and all brothers…

“Well you don’t have to be scared anymore honey.”

“Mom?” (Sniffle.)

“I mean there’s a lot we have to do and go through together and you’re kind of signed in here for a good while for like evaluation but we will get through this and we will fix this.”

My mouth just went dry. “Fix?”

“No not that way Michelle, but like therapy and talking to the gender shrink they have here and that kind of fixed stuff. (Mom-sniffles) that and the dress.”

(Sniffle.) “The dress?”

“Yes, good lord honey that thing looked awful on you. You looked like your great Aunt Bess.”

(Sniffle-smile.) “I…I bought what I could in secret…I didn’t have…sorry.”

“Well we’ll have to go shopping when you’re out and after what the doctor says.”

(Sniffle.) “Okay…and mom?”

“Yes honey?”

“It’s not Michelle I know everyone thinks that’s what I want…what I feel my name is but it’s not.”

Mom leans back and she looks at me. “It isn’t?”

(Sniffle.) “No… (Sniffle.)…I always wanted to be a Jennifer… (Sniffle.)…Just like my mom…!” (Sniffle-sob.)

Mom looks at me and her eyes went wide and they shimmer and they fill and they spill over with tears and she hugs me tight and she sobs out. “Oh baby…Oh Jenny really!?”

(Sniffle-sob!) “Yy..yes, I’ve always wanted to be like you!”

We both start crying and crying and I don’t know where the tears are coming from but it’s like I have had them stored inside of myself for so long that…maybe that’s what I was drowning in inside…all my held back and unshed tears.

And just when I think I haven’t dumped enough water out of my system I wipe my eyes. “I need to pee.”

Mom smiles and she rubs at her own face. “Here let me help, you’re still on a drip.”

I’m really shaky and I’m not sure if it’s recovery or nerves but mom helps me to the bathroom and she stays just outside the door. I go to…

It’s a mom sense thing…has to be. “Honey?”

(Snuffle.) “Yeah Mom?”

“Go ahead, sit down….”

I have fresh tears and I’m biting my lip that she somehow got it.

I sit and…that’s when I notice that I’m actually wearing panties. They’re plain and they’re cotton and they’re still kind of pretty.

“Mom…?”

“Honey, I’m your mom of course I went and got you the right underwear.”

(Snuffle.) “Thanks mom…just thanks so much…”

“Jenny…I might not get all of it and I’m going to really try and learn but bringing my daughter fresh underpants when she’s in the hospital’s a no brainer.”

I pee…wipe…flush and wash and come out opening the door and look at her. “No mom, it’s a huge deal.”

I hug her tight. “Thank you so…much.”

“You’re welcome baby.” She smiles and helps me back to bed and while I’m up I can see it’s snowing outside the window. Not hard but those big fluffy flakes I have always loved as a girl.

“It’s snowing early.”

“No honey it’s December first, we’ve had snow here this time of year before.”

“It’s pretty.”

“It is, I’ve always love it when it’d snow like this.”

“You used to call this Mr. Thomas snow.”

“I did?”

“Yeah with the lamp posts and stuff you loved when I used to read the Narnia books to you as a kid.”

I duck my head and smile…try…it’s hard; it’s still a just scary thing to actually openly talk about this stuff with her like this. “I wanted to be Lucy so much…”

She sits beside me on my bed and she links her fingers in mine.

“It must be so hard…”

I nod and stare up and out my window and try to still see the snowflakes. “It is……” I stare a little longer and I look at her. “Do you hurt mom? I mean with everything as a woman?”

She looks and me and sort of turns a little more and gives me this really serious look. “You mean?”

“Now…after the mastectomies and the operation….?” Mom had a hysterectomy done too around the same time since her family had a history of other cancer too there.

She gets a little teary and shiny eyed. “I know I’m not supposed to, that I’m supposed to happy and grateful to be here honey and I am but I just don’t feel like me at all some days…not with all of what happened…yes, it hurts.”

I nod and a few tears spill out from my eyes again. “It’s like that Mom…it’s like that all the time.” (Sob!)

…………………..and there we’re both crying all over again and this time…this time though I think my mom’s crying because she gets it.