Come back soon…Part 8 Finale.

I think it took three full days for me to calm down really after getting Mar’s letter. I mean I was kind of calm especially after a nice little pill but with everything that I’d been through and that had happened and just built up in my life that letter became a touchstone.

I kept in the envelope but that envelope was with me everywhere…well except the shower.

Being in the mental ward was not what I thought it was going to be like. One there’s no internet they don’t want stuff that might be out there or said to trigger someone. I kind of agree even though I’d just really like to be on chat with Marlene but with the stuff the nurse explained to me about how someone that thinks their being cute posts something and if we read it and the someone gets set off.

It makes sense.

We get one hour of family time a day too. It sounds like jail but while our families can be there with us they’re a distraction too. It’s supposed to be about getting better or trying too and even if I’m here under observation.

Kinda like if they observe I’m not trying then I’m here a lot longer.

Honestly I want to go home.

I’d be lying if I was to make the place out like it was a bad place. I was unsettled at being here and really it mostly stuff in my head. I mean you watch enough TV and you get the wrong idea of how things are. It’s actually kind of sedate which is actually okay for my girl interrupted.

Yeah a movie title and actually a fairly good film I recommend it for some people but then again I like Wynona Ryder ever since Heathers.

I take a drink of my coffee and look over at Dr. Scott and he’s in his “Office.” Which is actually an activity room on the other side of the hall to get into the ward and he uses such a big room because he does group and stuff in here too.

He’s been pretty good so far. He looks back at me and takes a drink of his own and he then takes a look at his notes.

“I like the way that you worded this Jennifer.”

“Uhm thanks, I’m not really educated in this stuff so I was just trying to write down the stuff that I feel as objectively as I could.”

He smiles. “That’s actually better than breaking things down into all these clinical thoughts and expressions actually. We’re human beings and while clinical analysis is a wonderful thing for writing papers and text books I’ve never been the kind of Doctor that was into seeing his patients eyes gloss over or go cross while they were getting things textplained to them.”

“You don’t do that and I really, really appreciated it.”

“Good, getting you onboard and feeling as part of your own process in a big deal.”

I take another drink of my coffee. It’s decaf but it’s still coffee. It’s nice just to be able to hold the mug the way that it feels natural for me to.

Cradling it my hands where I can soak in the warmth and the experience of it.

“So what’s next?”

He looks at me. “Well I want you to do some of the art therapy here but I want you to go ahead and be creative as your real self.”

“My real self?”

“Yes You Jennifer.”

“I’ve sorry it’s just I keep expecting you to be more in my face about who I am.”

“I’m here to make sure you’re feeling well enough to deal with the world outside Jen. I’ve looked over your charts and I’ve talked with you a few times now and read the stuff you’ve written here and given all of that and the fact that you’re a relatively sane young woman I have to agree with your own conclusion.”

“Relatively sane.”

“Everyone is only relatively sane.”

“But I tried to kill myself?”

“Technically you did your heart had stopped Jen.”

“Oh…”

“Yes a really big freaking oh.”

“Are Doctors allowed to say freaking?” I smile and have another sip.

“In my case yes but then again I’m a shrink so I’m crazy to start with.”

Okay that makes me smile. “So I get to be me in here.”

“Well considering that in your letter that once you really knew and understood what was wrong to you and that living as Mike was like living in a garage with the car on and really bad music. I think yeah we’ll go with that.”

I sigh pretty relieved.

He continues. “I want you to do some of the art therapy and I want you to take the morning tai-chi class here in the hospital and then go to the Trans therapy group that is held on Tuesday and Thursday nights here.”

“I can leave the ward?”

“A security guy will take you to both so not freely but I think the tai chi will let you unfocus. You’re still really tightly wound Jen and that’s not good and you need the exposure to some other trans-people and sitting in on the groups and stuff will let you see that you’re not alone in this.”

I nod. “Okay…so…?”

“So that’s it, you’ve got lunch in about fifteen and then we’ll handle things from there. I still want a letter from you every day in like a journal entry and until I think we need to have a talk again we’re good.”

He gets up and he walks me to the door and I kinda slow and I want to give him a hug because this whole thing could’ve been a lot worse. He smiles and gives me the nod and I give him a light hug and he returns it.

If at a guess I’d have to say that it’s part of my therapy with like girls and women and self-expression and stuff but honestly he just is one of those down to earth doctor types that’s more about the patients than about being the doctor I think.

Regardless it feels good to be allowed to just hug as much as it did to hold my coffee the way that I’ve always wanted.

I get resettled into my room and I even start on my next letter. I actually start each one with what I’m feeling or learned after my session with him.

I get about a page in when it’s dinnertime.

I come out to see what they have and I see arms waving out in the hall through the glass and its mom and Marlene’s with her.

Mar looks like one of those people who hate to fly in the airport or in a plane.

I wait and they get buzzed in and I go to meet them.

“Hi…I…uhm wow you’re here?”

Mom beams and Marlene nods and then she looks at me instead of the floor like she really didn’t want to look around the place. There’s something there in her eyes and it doesn’t look like a bad thing.

It actually looks like she’s relieved to see me.

I try a smile, a real one, one of mine and I wasn’t expecting the expression that flickered across her face. Or that she stepped in and she hugged me….

Oh…

So much yes.

God she smells so good but really odd at the same time. All spicy but like in this evergreen but not evergreen kind of way and it is strong and heady but all mixed in with that is that smell that’s Mar…her soap and shampoo and her skin…and just her.

I ache with home much her hug takes me home…home to her so fast.

She hangs onto me too. I can feel her smelling me and breathing me in and I do the same. “I’ve missed you.”

I nod into her neck. “I’ve missed you too.”

“The new apartment sucks.”

(Sniffle.) “I’m sorry.”

“Your mom wants you to live at home when you get out.”

(Sniffle.) “No…I want to live with you.”

(Sniffle.) “Good.”

I move in the hug but still holding her but moved so I can look at her. “You okay?”

“No…I hate these places.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Mar she gives me that look again like the one from just before she stepped in and hugged me. She does a sniffle and a blink.

And then she nods.

She’s never told me before.

(Sniffle.) “You know I’m a foster kid right?”

I nod.

(Sniffle.) “Well when I was younger I never fit in anywhere because of that…I had all the acne and the bad clothes and all that stuff that came with being unwanted by my real family and being bounced around and stuff.” (Sniffle.)

(My Sniffle.) “I knew you had a shitty childhood.”

She nods and she looks down and then she rests her head on my chest…uhm…falsies.

“I fell in with the wrong bunch and stuff and I started to sleep around because I thought that if I did that someone might like me…maybe even love me…but they didn’t that j...just used me and stuff and then I got pregnant.”

“Oh…oh god Mar what happened?”

“I was happy even though the kids at school called me a slut and the guy well he went MIA over it and I was still happy because they’d have been mine, my baby and she’s love me y’know?”

I hug her a little tighter and she looks up at me. “I miscarried her Jen…she was going to be my little angel and she died…because my body killed her.” (Sniffle.)

(My sniffle.) “What why?”

“They found all these fibroids and cysts inside of me and they said I got them because my birth mom had been on some kind of drugs for fertility but they were like bad in a whole lot of people and they caused all sorts of bad stuff to happen in the kids that were born after they took it and stuff.” (Sniffle.) “After that I was in these places for years with them digging in me and scarping and cutting things out for tests and then they took it all out…”

(My sniffle.) “Oh babe that’s not your fault…it isn’t.”

(Sniffle.) “It never felt like it, I was just turning sixteen…it felt like it just confirmed everything about me that I thought that I knew and that I was poison.”

I look at her and wipe my eyes. “You’re not poison, you’re the person I love and that I need.”

Marlene looks at me and she has that look again. (Sniffle.) “Really?”

“Yes really, there are not a lot of people that would write me the things that you did, that’d stay by me after everything and tell me all of that stuff.”

“Jen…it didn’t look like it but when we met I was just barely hanging on and stuff too. I had no idea, none at all that I was really any kind of worthwhile person until we met and I fell in love with you.”

My heart does that….ow my heart thing and I have some tears slipping out all over again because I see it so much more now not just me and her but her…deeper and differently now that she’s opening up to me.

See when I met Marlene it was actually at a sci-fi con and she was at one of the comic trade areas in a heated debate and stuff and it was just like wow…here’s a girl that doesn’t take any guff. She was so tough and passionate and geeky but in such a good way. And we ended up on the same side in that debate and from that it was some fast food and stuff and she’d always been the one person I’ve ever been as close to being Jennifer with.

She just sort of brought so much of me to the surface that my life as Mike felt so much more alive.

(My sniffle.) “I thought you were so tough when I met you Mar…like all this stuff that you’ve been through was just stuff and you…”

(Sniffle.) “I…what?”

“You made me feel safe. Like I could be more me around you than with anyone else in my whole life.”

“You...you or Mike you?”

“Me…Jennifer…but I was so scared that after we’d come so far that if I told you that I’d lose you and that would have…”

“But…it just got too hard?”

(My sniffle sob.) “Yes…!” It comes out a squeaky sobby whine. “I was so close, so close that it felt like I was leaking out, only with all this Mike around my and that armor being screwed on so dam tight that every time my GID would get kick in it was like inside was dying and choking and the outside me hurt so much because it was like I was flying apart at the seams.”

She gives me this look and then it changes even and her eyes widen a little and she smiles at me and it’s.

God her smile, her real smile that one that she hides from everyone it just breaks me in the best of ways.

“So you’ve always been the girl that I think that I’m starting to fall for all over again with.”

What!?

“………………..M…Marlene…?” (Stunned sob.)

I’m not really big at five eight and she’s not really short at five six but she stands on her tip toes just so she can reach to my chin and be just that little bit taller than me when she kisses me.

Kisses me like I’m the girl that I am.

And my heart’s breaking and coming alive all over again and there’s a river of happy tears spilling down my cheeks and she keeps kissing me.

I mean she’s like Notebook kissing me.

And I’m the girl.

Well she’s the girl too but I’m the girl and it’s both just…

And I’m just.

We kissed that long that some of the other patients there that were like aware enough to watch are clapping and stuff and we’re even getting that arms crossed oh look they’re so sweet thing from the staff.

I’m blushing.

I look at Marlene and she looks at me. I take a breath and say. “I want to come home; I want to be with you. I want this…I want to be your girl…”

Marlene laces her fingers in with mine. “I don’t care if you’re Mike or Jen as long as you’re with me. Man, woman it doesn’t matter if you painted yourself purple and shaved your head I’d still love you.”

We kiss again but it’s not anywhere near as long and we break it and head over to mom who’s setting up the food she brought at the table and we’re still holding hands fingers interlaced and she seems better…like getting it out there helped her be here.

Or maybe it’s me?

Sigh that’d be nice.

We sit and we move our chairs really close together as mom passes out the take out Chinese food. They’re spoiling me since I love Chinese food I could and have eaten it two or three times a week. I’m not a salad girl but given me some vegetable chow mien and I’m a happy girl.

I can’t help but smile and lean over and kiss Marlene once more before my face is stuffed with food. Five days since I’ve woken up in the hospital…five days and so much is changed already and for the better.

You know I can’t remember the last time I felt there was hope in my future?

We kiss and break apart. “Marlene what is that smell?”

“My second job, I’m making candles at the mall.

“Second job? Candles?”

“For Christmas all handmade wisdom candles. They have like spices and stuff in them. I kind of reek of Myrrh.”

“You know that’s one of the three gifts right?”

She nods and dips a fried wonton into the cherry sauce.

“Mom brought me some frankincense the other day.”

She looks at mom who shrugs.

I supply. “In the form of kohl cosmetics. Apparently it was eye make-up.”

She smiles and looks at me. “Well I’m only bearing myself and the only thing that I’m wise about is how much I love you.”

Mom dishes me out some chicken soo-guy and looks at both of us.

“Loving each other, really loving each other and hanging on no matter what happens is what real wisdom is all about girls. It’s the real treasure to have.”

I reach over and so does Marlene and we link hands again and beam at each other.

(Happy-sniffle.) “Yeah Mom, yeah it is.”

I can do this, I can really do this get better, get out of here and really, really finally get started on my life.

Soon…I’ll be me soon; I’ll be coming home soon.