Tragedy of the Spirit part 5 Am I as crazy as they think.......

Caution, this chapter is dark, describes some cruel medical proceedures that may be offensive to some readers. This also describes in great detail the effects of those proceedures on a young person. Those effects were done to me. The scars still exist. Thank you for reading.

First of all I wish to give the reader a bit of further background. The area I grew up in was rural Canada, we lived on a 4 section farm. We planted wheat and barley. The farm had cattle as well as a few orses (one of which was mine). We also raised chickens and turkeys. I had one brother whom I was not very well liked by him. I was quiet, did my own thing. I look back at what happened over the first fifteen years of my life shaped my way of life.

It was just after I had returned home from the hospital after my failed suicide attempt at school that the events of that following spring and summer would change the outcome for me in a huge way. You see my birthday is in may and well, life took a strange and drastic turn that year for me, being the 1970's parents could get away with what they wanted to with there children and nothing would be said and or done to them if they were caught. The kids paid the penalty in a few different ways. One, they were never believed; two, parents deniability was apparent. The rapes persisted and on my birthday I was given a few gifts , not wrapped of course. I was given three things that birthday, one; female skirts and dresses and undergarments. Two; I was given strict instructions that I was to finish the remander of that year of school dressed as a girl(humiliation). Third; if I did not comply then I would be sent away for ever and and that my parents(gaurdians,I never considered them parents) would disavow any knowledge of my existance. You see I found out as I went back to my home almost 28 years later, I found my mothers writings in a book that she kept.

Anyways, the night of my birthday I was severely beaten and raped yet again by both my father and my brother as well as my brothers best freind Drew. I woke up the following day covered in blood(my blood) and I was badly bruised. You see I had fair skin and I bruised fairly easily. I was lorded over while I got dressed each day and well, unbeknownst to my "parents", I was thinking I would attempt my life again. I had already tried with a knife and subsequencially failed. I was not sure when I would have that oppertunity but I was hoping that event would happen soon. As I began to really hate my life. I was watched at school, my extra activities I participated in. The abuse and beating continued as I began to think that these were a sign of love and acceptance. at 9 years old , you begin to think those thoughts, so I would do whatever it took to be beaten and abused. I acted up, I talked back and I fought back with tantrums etc. I was forced into sex acts with my father while in bed and my mother just ignored these events.

On a particular june afternoon, just after arriving home from school after I was severely humiliated by classmates and some town bullies, I was going to take my horse out for a ride. My borther was playing with his archery set shooting at targets. Well needless to say he shot a arrow high in the air and it came down right beside my leg as I was mounting my lovely horse. I was so pissed off at him, I started to yell at him. My "dad" being in the shed over heard this and came storming out and grabbed me and of course believed my idiotic brother over me. I guess I must be as crazy as they thought I was. I was strung up and whipped and badly beaten yet again. I yelled at my "dad". "Why don't you just kill me". His response was "Watch it I just may do that to you, you little sissy freak." That nigth I remember clearly as if it was only yesterday that I needed kill myself and get away from this nightmare I seemed to be living. Now at 9 years old I was pretty intellegent. The following morning well I woke up well before everyone and snuck downstairs to my "dads" gun cabinet and pulled out a shotgun and loaded a shell into it. I had seen him load it many times before and wel I just knew. As I was about to pull the trigger, my "mother" screamed and I dropped the gun on the floor and it went off and put a nice hole in the deep refridgerator and wall. Well I was beaten bloody and was taken into the hospital in town and told that I was to be put under suicide watch. I was given many drugs to calm me and make me extremely sleepy. My "parents" left me there and didn't visit. I went under shock therapy ad heavy drugs and under constant watch while I was strapped to the bed. to this day I stil bear the marks from those straps.

As the weeks passed and turned into months. I came to realize that my "parents" left me there and I was never to see them again. I cried and wanted to die so bad, that why was I here on earth , when I knew that no one loved me,let alone cared about my well being. It was 11 months later I was taken back to the farm and locked in my room while everyone enjoyed themselves. I missed so much school I failed a grade and was set back. I was them given classes at home through the door. A I was not allowed out of my room. The rapes and severe beating persisted as I kept my journal or as much as I could write with broken fingers that were constantly smacked by a ruler. I had not to many conversations with my "parents" I was ignored and when i did speak I was told to shut up or face the penalty. so I continued to talk and paid the penalty for my actions. This became a daily routine for me. I began to taunt my brother and my "father" so much that I could see the anger there and the disdain he had for me. I also realized that his love was so strong for my brother it proved my point of not being like the others( referenced y Sesame Street). I taunted my "mother" and called her all sorts of names. The blame I laid on her was for not protecting me and supporting me in my time of need. That realization came to me years later when I found her writings that she too was being abused by my father. my amazement became clear that she didn't want me either as she herslef was being victimized as much as myself and she too was powerless. My resolve came when I turned 15 years old. I celebrated quietly. I rode my horse and competed in my best barrel race to date and placed 1st and 2nd in all the competitions that day. My anger I took out on the other competitors with my attitude and ego. You see I wore very female outfits and that I beleive agrivated the cometitors and upon which sparked some strength n myself.

My hope began that day as I planned to make my escape from hell. The first 15 years of my life were hell and I readily admit it. I went through alot of abuse, beatings, hatred, dejection, physical, physchological,emotional torment. Many suicide attempts. I can only wish now that as I look back that I was successful in a sense, however, my life has changed so much since I left. I guess I was not as crazy as they thought I was , nor I thought I was..............

**** footnote to this the institution I was admitted to and spent 11 months was closed 4 years later due to allegations of severe abuse and questionable practices by it's practitoners. Mny court cases went before judges and some were successful, others were dismissed including my own attempt to sue and recieve compensation.

TO BE CONTINUED