Chapter Five

Wills persisted in his denial of my true identity. He took every opportunity to remind me and everyone that in his eyes I was not a woman. On one occasion Rhys forgot his teddy at our place and I had to take it Will and Jo’s. Wills answered the door and let me in.

“Who is it darling?” enquired Jo from the living room where they were entertaining some guests.

“It’s my brother,” replied Wills out loud as we reached the entrance to that room.

Everyone looked up to see and as you guess they were disconcerted to see a woman with Wills. Hot with embarrassment mingled with anger I turned on my heel and left swearing not to set foot there again.

There was no adjustment in the climate at work, I still felt like a pariah there except with Richie who treated me as if nothing had changed. The others were all professional in their conduct towards me which was fine by me because it made work tolerable. Part of me did long for the camaraderie everyone else seemed to share but it wasn’t forthcoming nor was I willing to throw myself out on a limb at people so they could like me that just wasn’t my style.

The only place where I was treated like a friend, woman and a normal person was at Pete and Myra’s. They accepted me for whom I was, never gave me queer looks or glared at me. We were frank and totally free in each other’s company and I never felt like I was forcing myself on them. I also attended a transgender support group. This is how I met a girl named Claire with whom I quickly became friends. She was the first person who completely understood my need to be a woman because she was going through the same thing.

I could tell her about everything- my family’s attitude, work and my colleagues, hormones, my childhood- she understood. We had similar middle-class backgrounds. She’d come out at around the same time as I had. Unlike me, her family had completely disowned her.

“They never owned me anyway!” was her cheerful take on this.

She also worked in a far worse environment than me, an auto clinic though you’d never guess she was a mechanic by looking at her. All her colleagues were chauvinistic men, making it doubly hard for, being a transsexual woman. Claire told me she was retraining to become a draughtsperson going to night school 3 times a week. Character wise I can only describe her as charming, kind, sincere and cheerful. At 5ft 6 with a round, pretty face she was clearly going to be pear shaped by the time she got her op. her hair was medium length for work purposes and she was a brunette whereas I was the slender blonde, an inch taller and just as determined to live my life as a woman. We did lots of things together, like going shopping, giving each other moral support and bashing the bad guys like Ridwan when we felt wronged by them!

My relationship with my brother reached breaking point six months after I began my transition when Wills finally let loose and expressed his feelings for the entire family to hear.

Wills invariably called me Charlie just to show how much he disagreed with my decision. He was the only one in the family who did so, to Jo I was Charlene, Mum occasionally called me Charlene but never Charlie, she used my childhood nickname or endearments ditto with Dad.

I hated this and one day I just burst out at Wills when he referred to me as Charlie.

“Charlie get a haircut mate, you look like a hippie,” he mocked me one morning when he saw me with rollers in my hair. Such barbs were common from him and I’d learnt to ignore but that day I decided enough was enough.

“Why don’t you go to hell, this is my life not yours and my name is Charlene,” I told him strongly.

That really got him going.

“S’far as I know you’re Charlie you twit!” he responded.

“Oh, so now I’m a twit because I don’t want to be a man, has it ever crossed your mind that I’m doing this because it means something to me? No of course not, you’re dumb to ever figure that out,” I remarked.

I had always been the cleverer child and telling Wills that had always infuriated him.

“Dumb? You’re insane and you’re a huge embarrassment and a total disgrace to this family with your stupid cross-dressing you filthy drag-queen!”

That hurt and Mum and Jo gasped.

“William,” said Dad warningly, “that’s enough.”

Wills was livid.

“No Dad it’s got to be said. Charlie you are flaming insane you hear! You will never be a woman, go and get help and while you’re at it stay away from my son before you infect him with your damned disease. You’re a disgrace you hear Charlie? An effing disgrace,” Wills yelled as tears formed in my eyes.

“WILLIAM!” said Dad and Jo sternly.

I turned and fled to my room, white hot tears burning my cheeks. I heard the door slam, signalling Wills departure.

Blinded by tears I locked my door and slumped to the floor and allowed myself to cry my heart out, completely miserable. How could Wills say all that awful stuff to me especially the part about Rhys? Being transsexual was something I would never, ever want to wish on anyone let alone the nephew I loved so much.

I cried for what seemed like hours reliving every insult that had been flung at me wondering why my only sibling could be so hateful. He didn’t want me as his sister which meant he didn’t want me at all since I could never be his brother. Mum came and knocked but I ignored her, she and everyone else probably agreed with Wills in private.

To them I was some crazy fool. He’d spoken for them I thought. No one cares about my happiness only the image of the family. If that was the case I wasn’t going to stay where I was unwelcome

Over the next few weeks I withdrew. I stopped talking to my parents except in greeting and purposefully stayed out late after work so I could be alone and arrive home when they’d fallen asleep. I’d leave early before Mum awoke just to avoid her. I stayed away from Jo and Rhys when they were downstairs and went out on weekends sometimes to Pete’s or to play the tourist around London.

I skipped meals at home though Mum always left me some preferring to eat in restaurants. Since I was an embarrassment I couldn’t buy Mum groceries because I was so filthy I might spread my disease. I’d leave cash in an envelope addressed to her so she could the shopping herself. I became a stranger in my own home hiding out in my room and slowly packing my things for a move away from there. I’d already started looking for a place of my own and had sounded out Claire, Pete and Myra on keeping an ear out for decent apartments for me. Wills hardly came over anymore and when he did I completely ignored him just like he ignored me.

Clearly no one regretted his outburst though Mum looked at me worriedly whenever she saw me. I made sure she had no chance of talking to me by never spending more than two minutes in her or Dad’s presence.

I was miserable but hid it behind the façade of a carefully made up face. Pete and Myra saw right through it though and they wanted me to take a weekend in the country to recharge and cheer me up after the incident with my brother.

I spent a glorious weekend with two close friends who understood me or at least tried to though I realised I missed Rhys badly. The Wiltshire country side would have been just the place for my rambunctious nephew and thinking this dampened my spirits. Noticing this Myra took my hand and suggested a short walk for the two of us.

“Let me guess you’re thinking about what your brother said?” she asked me.

I nodded and my eyes smarted.

“Hey it’s okay Charlene,” consoled Myra before embracing me.

“You’re a woman honey. That’s you, don’t let anybody demean you luv,” said Myra as tears streamed down my face.

“They all hate me, they don’t care how I feel, it’s like they don’t want me,” I sobbed.

Myra placed my head on my shoulder and I cried onto it as she comforted me.

To be continued