© 2012, by Susan J. Charles. All rights reserved
Edited by Holly H. Hart

Karen came in and took me in her arms. As the enormity of what I’d said really hit me, the waterworks started again. I did grab a wad of toilet paper to keep the tears off our pretty dresses. Karen held me until I had cried myself out.

“Why are you so good to me?” I asked.

“Because you’re my sister. We’re always there for each other.”

I gave her a hug and slowly, reluctantly, disengaged myself from her. I was still the bridesmaid and had a few more duties to perform.

We fixed my makeup and checked me over to see that everything was back in order. The reception was winding down when we returned and Cindy had gone to change. The crowd was gathering at the front door and we distributed little containers of bubble solution to anyone who had not picked one up off their tables. Bubbles are much gentler than rice. When Cindy and I had gotten married, I’d gotten some rice in my eye.

Finally the happy couple came out the door and ran to their waiting limo, popping bubbles as they want. They roared off with the traditional “Just Married” sign on the back of the car.

I was glad I’d come with Karen because I wasn’t in any condition to drive. My eyes were red and swollen. It was a quiet ride home. We were both exhausted, so little was said. We both changed and then I went over and told Karen exactly what had happened.

“Well, he didn’t completely close the door,” Karen pointed out, as she poured coffee.

“No, but I could tell he was shocked. After all, I’d told him I used to be the same as him. What guy, what hetro guy, wants anything to do with someone like me?”

“Someone who can see the person within,” Karen said softly. “Give it a few days, you might be surprised. I think a lot of Ken. I hope I’m right.”

I did give it a few days. I heard nothing. I wanted to throw myself into writing code, but Karen insisted that I also continue with my life. So I threw myself into dancing, both in Terri’s class and at Sea Gal practice. Terri had to caution me not to completely wear myself out.

“That’s when accidents occur,” she warned.

Finally, I made the call I dreaded. It was the day before Deanna’s physical therapy. I called Ken to see if he wanted me to drive her there as I had been doing.

“Maybe I can take care of that this week,” is all he said.

I put down the phone, dejected. I’d finally come completely out of my depression over Cindy and my somewhat more minor one over Phil, and now this. I’d allowed myself to open up. No, that wasn’t right. I’d opened up, but there was no allowing involved. It has just happened all on its own. I’d embraced Ken and the girls to the bottom of my soul and I’d never stop loving them, even if it was at a distance. I wouldn’t like that, but I could accept it. Inadvertent though my disclosure was, it was the result of my choices and I’d have to live with my decisions.

I sighed. I was staring at a lonely existence.

Then the phone rang.

“I’ve been outvoted,” Ken said. “Will you please reconsider and take my daughter to the clinic tomorrow? They said to tell you that they are already for your inspection after that.”

“I couldn’t disappoint them,” I said. “I’ll see them tomorrow.”

I had mixed feelings when I drove out to the house. What, if anything, had Ken told them? I decided I’d wait for them to say something first. But if it came up, I’d be as honest with them as I’d been with their father.

I was amazed that nothing was said. The girls proudly showed me a spotless house. They must have worked very hard on it. They informed me that Ken would be bringing home dinner when I returned with Deanna. I couldn’t disappoint them after they’d worked so hard, so I told them I was looking forward to it.

The session went very well. Deanna was almost 100% by now. She was even talking about getting into sports at school. She was thrilled when her therapist said they were reducing her sessions to once every three weeks. I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was so very happy that Deanna was almost as good as new. On the other hand, cutting back the sessions meant I’d be seeing less of the girls.

I listened to her chatter on the way home. She wanted to play volleyball and softball. Soccer would have to wait for a couple of years to be sure she was completely beyond the effects of her concussion. I suggested she might want to consider running track.

A few blocks from the house, Deanna grew quiet. Then she put her hand on my arm. As we pulled into the driveway and I turned off the car, Deanna looked at me.

“Mommy, when are you going to come live with us?” she asked in a soft little voice.

That rocked me back on my heels, I can tell you!

She went on quickly. “You saw how well we are keeping the house. And we help you fix meals. All three of us are on the Honor Roll. You couldn’t ask for any better daughters than us.”

I was stunned. The girls wanted me. They wanted me as their mother. Deanna had called me “Mommy!”

I knew whatever I said next were some of the most important words of my life. They were probably the most important of Deanna’s life to that point.

I took a deep breath.

“Oh, darling, I am so honored you want me. I’d want nothing so much as to be a mother for you and Sarah and Millie. But we have to think of your father, too. It really is his choice who he wants as your mother.” I bit back a sob.

“We talked to him last night,” Deanna said. “He said you and he had a misunderstanding and he needed to clear that up. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do that.”

“Well, there were a few things that I hadn’t figured out how to talk about with him,” I said. “We talked about them at the wedding last weekend.”

“Well, he was acting funny when he got home,” she said. “How was the wedding?”

“Why don’t I tell all three of you at once?” I asked, relieved the subject had steered away from the things Ken and I had talked about.

We went inside and I told the girls all about Cindy’s dress. I’d modeled my bridesmaid dress for them the week before. I told them all about the ceremony, the bubbles and all the fun, happy things that had gone on.

By the time I’d finished, Ken had come in with a Mexican dinner. We all adjourned to the dining room. The girls kept whispering among themselves, the younger ones asking Deanna questions.

Ken and I were quiet. Finally, we both seemed to decide to confront the elephant in the room.

“I was...” we both said at once, then stopped.

“Go on,” he said.

“No you go on,” I replied, since I really didn’t know what I was going to say, anyway.

“Well, there’s a big company dinner Saturday night,” he said. “I was wondering if you’d go with me.”

I paused. Sunday was an away game, so I was free, but what was going on? I decided that I’d have to go to the dinner to find out.

“I’d like that,” I said.

“Yessss!” came three small voices.

“Girls,” I said. “It’s just a company thing. Obviously your father needs a companion for it, nothing more. Right, Ken?”

“Oh, right,” he said. “Big company party. Need an escort. That’s all.”

The girls just smiled.

My mind was a whirl during my drive home. Ken had asked me for a date. The girls were conspiring to get us together. They wanted me. I still didn’t know where I stood with Ken. What was going on?

Saturday came all too soon. I’d gotten the phone number of the wife of one of Ken’s associate's and gave her a call to find out what the appropriate dress would be for the evening. I didn’t want to get Ken on the wrong side of his company by wearing the wrong thing. Men really don’t have a very good grasp of how their women’s appearances can affect the man’s career.

I was wearing a strapless green satin gown that hugged my curves when Ken picked me up. My hair was done up in red curls piled on top of my head, much as it had been for the wedding. When Ken showed up, I grabbed my handbag and my green heels tapped on the stairs as we went to Ken’s car. He opened the door for me and I turned to slide in and turn around, tugging my skirt down. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Ken looking at my legs. I felt a warm feeling go through me. He obviously didn’t find me totally repulsive.

On the way, Ken told me the dinner was a recognition party for their company. Their fiscal year had ended in June, and the yearly results were a cause for celebration. Following some awards, there would be a dance.

There were still questions between us that Ken hadn’t addressed yet. I decided to let him take the lead and see what happened.

The dinner was lovely. Excellent food, elegant decorations, nice background music. I was introduced to many people and my head was soon swimming with names and relationships. I made sure to take note of Ken’s boss and his wife, as well as the woman who had helped me with dress and other information about the dinner.

I didn’t talk a lot, being content to listen and learn. Several people had been at the Children’s Hospital benefit or had seen the videos on YouTube and were complimentary. Sea Hawk fans asked me about my cheerleading experiences.

I had no idea what was going on during the awards ceremony. I know Ken received one, but I wasn’t sure what it was for. There was a lot of clapping and inside jokes.

Finally the dancing started. For the first time since we’d gotten there, Ken and I had a little privacy on the crowded dance floor. As I learned at the wedding, Ken is an excellent dancer. I snuggled close to him, enjoying feeling his strong body next to mine. Okay, I was also hoping to find out if his body was liking me in that way, too, but I couldn’t tell. He seemed nervous, like he was working up to something.

“You know,” he said, at last, “this week one of my oldest and best friends in the company told me she was transgendered. I’ve worked with her for years and never guessed.”

“Did I meet her?” I asked.

“Yes, couldn’t you tell?”

“No. It’s not like we all have a secret handshake or something. Who was it?”

“I just thought you had some way of telling or something,” he said. “If you couldn’t tell, I’m not going to betray her confidence, any more than I would yours.”

“I really appreciate that. I’m really trying to put all that behind me. I’m who I am, that’s all. What you see is what you get.”

“The thing is,” Ken said. “She helped me understand what you were trying to tell me last weekend. I understand now that you, like her, were always a girl, something just got mixed up.”

“And I complicated it by trying to be something that I was not,” I added. “She’s right. It just took me a little longer to fully understand myself.

“The only thing that I really regret,” I continued, “is that because of my circumstances, I’ll never be able to have children.”

“That’s where you are wrong,” Ken said, drawing me closer. “You already have three daughters who love you very much, as does their father.”

“They were kind of obvious the other night weren’t they?” I asked. Then the end of what he’d just said hit me.

“You, you...” I began.

“Jessica, I love you and have for a long time. Would you please be my wife?”

“Ken, I don’t want to replace your wife,” I said, tears starting to come to my eyes.

“Jessica, you are a caring, sensitive woman. There will always be a place in my heart for what I had, but it’s past time to move on. I’ve found someone else with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. Plus, my daughters knew this long before I did.”

My mind flashed back to the first time I’d met Deanna in the hospital. And to the other family gatherings in the hospital lobby. And to so many other times. I realized I’d loved them all from the first time I’d met them.

“You’re so good with the girls,” Ken began.

“Don’t try to use the girls to guilt me into anything, Ken,” I said. “This has to boil down to what I feel about you.”

“And that is?”

“That I love you very much and would be proud to be your wife,” I reached up to kiss him. We settled into a long kiss right on the middle of the dance floor. Then Ken pulled a box out of his pocket and showed me a gorgeous diamond ring that I allowed him to place on my left hand.

Then I heard applause. I looked around and everyone on the dance floor was clapping. The rest of the evening was a blur of congratulations. Ken and I danced some more and I enjoyed the feeling of being in his arms. And, yes, now that his nervousness had passed, his body was sending signals to my thigh that he was interested in me in that way.

I told him on the way home that I had not had sex since becoming a woman, and wanted to keep it that way until we were married. I pointed out that it was especially important because of the girls.

“I want to set an example for them,” I said. “They need and deserve a good female role model.”

Ken agreed, somewhat reluctantly, I thought.

We arrived at the house to find the girls were still up. The baby sitter told us that they had insisted on staying up to find out how our date had gone.

“It was okay, I guess,” I watched their faces fall. Slowly I crossed my arms, letting my left hand land on top of my right arm. “Why? I asked.

“We were just hoping, that is we were thinking, that is ...” Deanna began. Then she noticed the ring.

“Is that? Did he? Are you?” She started to squeal. Sarah and Millie looked at her, puzzled. Then they looked at where Deanna was pointing and they began squealing too. They jumped up and down and then we got into a group hug.

“We’ve got a Mommy coming to our house!” Millie said.

“Oh yes,” I said. “And it’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time.”

Boy, I thought being Cindy’s maid of honor was a lot of work. That was before I started planning my own wedding. It helped to have just gone through Cindy’s wedding, but it was still a lot of work.

Karen and I shopped and shopped looking for the perfect wedding dress. Madeline turned out to be the one who found a little shop that made their own custom-designed dresses. After a lot of consultation, we settled on the perfect dress for me. It was strapless, with a long train that served to minimize my height. Pearls were sewn into the bodice running around my breasts and from the end of my cleavage down to the waist of the dress. Matching pearls were sewn into the veil in swirling patterns. A white satin rose on the side of the waist added an accent. It was perfect for me. It included a white choker with a smaller rose for my neck.

Of course, the girls needed their own custom made dresses that echoed mine in pastel shades of green that contrasted well with their hair. Deanna’s hair was now long enough to be styled and the girls were excited to have their hair done professionally.

Ken worried about all the money the wedding was costing, but I assured him I had a sizable bonus coming from the “girl detective” program which had just been released. That did remind me to quietly check and find out how much Ken brought in a month. Once I knew this, Karen and I adjusted my salary so that I was taking home roughly 85% of what Ken did. Of course, a lot more was flowing into my owner’s account, so I would have no trouble getting “bonuses” whenever a need arose. And with the way Lisa was handling our investments, both Karen and I would never want for money, even if our company closed tomorrow. This account was considered retained earnings of the business that would not show up on any of my financial or tax paperwork until I needed it. Thus, on paper, as far as Ken and the government knew, I would be a wife making the traditional 85% of what my husband would be bringing in. Did it bother me to lie to Ken? Well, it wasn’t exactly lying, just not disclosing everything. I just didn’t want to have to deal with any male financial egos in my marriage.

I did tell Ken that I had set up a college fund for each of the girls through my work, to complement what he’d been putting away. It was a relief to him, since Deanna’s medical bills had made a very large dent in his savings, so he didn’t question the details.

Since I didn’t have any family left, except Karen’s mother, I asked Steve to walk me down the aisle.

Speaking of Karen’s mother, at some point in the planning, she came up to me and gave me a huge, heartfelt hug. “I used to feel so worried that I was doing the wrong thing, teaching you how to be a girl when you and Karen were growing up. I prayed that I wasn’t somehow twisting you by letting you be Jessica at our house. But now, I see that that was the right thing to do. You’ve always been my other daughter, and that’s the way it should have been all along.”

Ken and I agreed to write our own vows and I worked long and hard on mine. Obviously the “Obey” part was out the window. And the “Cherish” was going be a big part. I realized I wasn’t just marrying Ken. I was marrying a family, so I needed to write vows to the girls too, and make them part of the ceremony.

At last the big day came! I felt so beautiful in my dress, with my hair done just right and my earrings adding an accent. I closed my eyes and just drank in the sensations of feeling myself standing there in my dress and heels. Men have no idea how each little movement in beautiful clothes can feel to a woman. I was once again glad that I was--a beautiful woman.

Steve came up and it was time to walk down the aisle. I remembered at my first wedding. I’d only had a few friends from school on my side of the aisle. Cindy had had a lot more on her side.

This time, my side was packed. I had almost the entire Sea Gal team there, along with a lot of the football team. People from our company were there and several of the girls from the bank. Several of my friends who had attended Phil’s parties came, as well as people from my cooking and dance classes. Many people from the Clinic and Hospital with whom I’d worked were also sitting there if they could get time off. And, of course, Cindy and Jake were there, along with Sandy, Tina and Fred.

‘Wow,’ I thought, a few short years ago, Mark had had almost no one whom he could call a friend except Karen. Today, Jessica is blessed with so many good friends here to celebrate with me. All because I’d gotten out into the world and taken risks to grow and expand myself. I was so lucky!

Then I was there, standing along side Ken. Steve pulled my veil back and went to sit with Madeline. Karen, my maid of honor and Cindy, my matron of honor, moved to straighten my train. Next to them were my flower girls, Sarah and Millie. And the proud ring bearer was Deanna, the most beautiful little girl in the world, now fully recovered.

Ken and I exchanged our vows. Then I turned and gathered Deanna, Sarah and Millie into a hug. “Girls, while I am marrying your father, in a very real sense, I am also marrying you. This ceremony is all about me coming into your family. And I promise you that I will be the best mother I can be for you. I promise to be there for you and listen to you and always have time for you. What I won’t promise you is that you will always like me. There will be times when I really have to be your mother and tell you to do things you might not like. But if that ever happens, be assured that I am doing it because your father and I feel what I’m doing is best for you. We both want you three to grow up to be the best possible young ladies you can be. Even if we do have any conflicts, and I’m sure we will, I promise to have your best interests at heart. And I promise that I will always love you with all my heart. I am so, very, very proud to become your mother.”

That said, I turned back to Ken. Deanna handed us the rings that we placed on each other’s fingers and we were husband and wife.

What followed and the reception were a blur of activity. I know there were photos taken, because I saw them later. I talked with everyone and danced. A cake was cut, but neither Ken nor I were juvenile enough to smash cake into the other’s face. Finally it was time to leave on our honeymoon. Karen was taking the girls while we went to the docks for our cruise to Alaska.

After we cast off, Ken carried me across the threshold of our cabin. I adjourned to the bathroom to slip into my completely transparent baby doll. One glance would tell Ken that I was a true redhead. I walked back to my waiting husband.

The new equipment worked great. It was wonderful!

Still to come: Epilogue.