This is a bit rougher than my usual story, and it's not what I had planned to put in here. This part came to me while I was in the hospital. I don't plan to keep it this rough, but...

I was sitting on our sofa, in the dark. Mom’s candles burned on the mantle, giving a golden light to the room. I felt very good, and my date was busy, her head bobbing into my crotch, my right hand pushing her down on my cock.

Part of me knew that this was wrong, that I couldn’t be Gabe again, but for some reason, I was completely comfortable. Her light blonde hair was all I could see of her as I pulled her down, forcing her to bob up and down. I was reclined as much as I could with my left arm laid on top of the sofa. I could tell I was very close, and my breath was coming hard as I enjoyed her ministrations. She lifted her head I looked into her tear-filled eyes for a second before I realized it was me, and as I looked up into Gabe’s eyes, I freaked out and jumped back, screaming and hitting my head on my headboard as I scrambled to get away. I wanted to vomit, to get the feel of that...

I was completely confused, scared, still screaming and in pain. What the heck? I heard my Dad yelling, pounding on my bedroom door, and I slowly realized I was dreaming...

“Emily!? Are you okay, honey?”

The door crashed in before I could get up or say anything, and Dad ran to me.

“Oh, baby, you had me so scared...”

I tried to talk, but I grabbed him around the neck and hung on for dear life as I fell apart. He picked me up and carried me into the living room, whispering that everything would be all right, but I was still freaked until I felt someone touch my arm, and I quickly came back to reality as a calm settled over me.

“We’re right here, Emily, you’re safe, baby.” Mom said as Dad set me down on the sofa next to her. Grandma stroked my hair, reassuring me as Dad knelt in front of me, tears running from his eyes.

“Sweetheart, are you all right?” I nodded slowly as he gently stroked my cheek. I grabbed his hand with both of mine and just held it as I looked into his eyes and suddenly understood what girls had felt about their Daddies all through history. I could just feel his love and protection, and it made me feel so good!

“It was horrible, the scariest nightmare I’ve ever had! I ... I was Gabe again, and for some reason I was forcing a girl to give me oral sex, and I was enjoying it! I could feel everything, and it felt so good, but then I looked into her eyes and saw that she was me! I looked into his eyes and he looked so evil, and then I could feel his hand trying to push me down again. I could feel and taste th-that...ugh...it was so disgusting and I pushed myself off of him, and just as he was reaching for me, I hit my head and that woke me, but I didn’t know where I was and I was so scared! I wanted to throw up, but I didn’t want to stop screaming and...

When Daddy burst in I was so relieved that I couldn’t even talk. I just wanted to hold onto him and cry...it was so real!” Talking about it made me start to panic again. I started to squirm, just wanting to get away from me. Grandma reached out and held my hands, and Mom put her hands on my head.

The next thing I remember, I was waking up in my bed, feeling very good and ready for the day. As I dressed, I started to remember my nightmare, but it was almost like it had happened to someone else. The more I thought about it, though, the more details I remembered, and once again I could see those eyes and taste that disgusting ...thing...

My stomach cramped up, but I choked it back and didn’t let myself go any further. Mom stepped out and quickly enfolded me into a hug. I had tears in my eyes, but Mom’s hug gave me a kind of strength, and I could feel her energy pour into me, relaxing me.

We just stood there, and she quietly spoke to me, reassuring me. “It was only a dream, love, that’s all. It’s an illusion created by your own mind as it tries to make sense of what you’ve sensed and thought. You know that Gabe would never intentionally hurt someone, so there must be something else your dream was telling you. Try to think about what you are telling yourself.”

I knew what dreams were, it just hadn’t occurred to me to look at it that way. What could be disturbing me, or perhaps there was something I needed to resolve? It would take some thought, but a big part of me was very afraid to revisit that horrible nightmare.

Well, first things first, I guess. I needed to take care of my everyday responsibilities. Things like breakfast and school needed to be a priority right now, and perhaps a little time not thinking about my dream might let me be more impartial and analytical, rather than emotional.

I decided to drive my truck today. I had a little cash for gas (I kinda regretted my decision to drop a Buick 455 into my truck, the mileage was...oh, heck, I can’t lie. This thing is an absolute blast to drive!), and I didn't feel like walking and thinking about...so I threw my books in and fired it up. I tried to drive as responsibly as I could, just to see if I could squeeze a few extra miles out of what little gas I had. It felt awfully good when people’s heads turned as I drove into the student parking lot.

I picked up my pack and walked into school. Several people said hello, and I tried to keep it friendly but I still had to be careful. It might be strange to say something to one of my old friends that “Emily” didn’t know. I struck up a conversation with Grace as we walked into homeroom, just casual discussion about the weather, how pretty her skirt looked, even a little gossip. It helped to keep the guys away, and allowed me to fit in like any other girl in school.

In the back of my mind, though, I still had a nauseating memory of having that disgusting thing in my mouth, and being forced to suck on it...No, Em! Those kind of thoughts could only lead to a disaster. I need to set my emotions aside, and concentrate on analyzing what it could mean. I was somehow able to stay focused during class, but any time I could, I tried to figure this out.

Let’s start with the most basic description of the dream. He-me was forcing she-me into a sexual act. Could it be some kind of anger issues? Perhaps the old “Gabe” side of me was still pissed at my transformation? The rape itself probably had meaning on several levels, but I think that perhaps at its most basic level, there was the resentment at being forced into this situation. I get the feeling that a major part of me is still fighting this, still trying to find a way to keep Gabe alive.

On another level, perhaps my “Emily” side is feeling resentment at being forced into these new sexual expectations. I’m very definitely (but carefully) heterosexual. Girls don’t seem to get me interested at all, and just picturing Tim in my head gave me goosebumps. Would Tim at some point want me to suck his...and why does that thought give me such a thrill? It took me an enjoyable few minutes to get the thought of Tim and I out of my mind.

So it wasn’t really the sex that bothered me (hmmm. down girl!), it was the situation. Was the whole dream just me expressing my anger about my transformation?

Or was I just telling myself to stop messing around and learn how to adjust? Maybe I’m telling myself that it’s time to get away from Gabe, that he can do nothing good for me.

I need to do a lot of thinking.