I was trying to work out the best way to talk to my parents about my greatest secret. I had been about to start talking to Dad, when Mom and Grandma got home. Oh, joy...

“Umm, Mom? I guess I need to talk to the whole family if I could?”

Mom looked at Dad, who shrugged his shoulders. Grandma looked at me with concern, and then suddenly seemed to smile a little.

“Let’s go into the living room and get comfortable, okay?” Mom said.

We found comfortable seats, Mom and Dad on the sofa, Grandma and I sat in the comfortable chairs, and I tried to find the best way to start.

“I was talking to Debbie today, and some things came out that I never intended to discuss. She said I needed to talk to you about them, and I confess that I’m afraid, either that I might hurt your feelings, or that you’ll really think I need help. I love you all, and I don’t want to hurt you-ever! Maybe I do need help, I don’t know.”

I took a deep breath and concentrated on holding back my tears, while Mom and Dad looked concerned.

“I’ve always kinda felt like I was a failure and a disappointment to you. I couldn’t be the boy you really wanted for so long, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I sort of felt you didn’t really want me-“

“Honey, we always wanted you!” Mom said, shocked. Her eyes were bright with tears. “Why would you think we didn’t, sweetheart?”

“We love you, Emily." Dad said. "When you were Gabe, we loved you just as much-“

I interrupted. “It didn’t feel like it at the time. You were always pushing me into sports, and being all macho and stuff. I-it wasn’t me, though. Most of the kids laughed at me because I was so pitiful, and even though I grew to hate sports, I had to keep getting laughed at and being a loser, while you pushed me into every sport you could.”

Mom had tears in her eyes as I explained that even some of the coaches thought I was a waste of their time, and kids and their parents in the stands would groan when I came up to bat, or if I somehow got the ball, or the puck.

“I felt like you didn’t want me, you wanted some kid who loved sports and was built like everyone else. I tried, and I tried and I tried, but it didn’t get better for a long time. Baseball, football, soccer, hockey, basketball, and who knows what else? I did my best, but I was always the smallest, slowest and weakest kid.” I looked at them both. “I hated any and all sports. I could beat the grades of any kid three grades ahead of me, but everything was either practice, practice or we had a game for me to get laughed at again. I couldn’t even watch TV without seeing sports, and it hurt. I just wasn’t that boy!”

“But I thought you liked sports, and I wanted to support you.” Dad said with surprise.

“Did you really, James?” Grandma scolded. “You were always on a sales trip or something, and when you were home, you've told me you used that time to ‘network’ and make connections with some of the fathers of the kids on the team. You probably can’t remember a single actual game, can you?”

Dad thought about it for a while, but he didn’t say anything.

“Emily...please?” Mom said, tearfully. “I always thought I knew my boy, but it turns out that I was maybe too involved in my own life to pay attention to yours, and I’m ashamed and sorry, baby. You always did your best and tried hard to play, and I-I just didn’t notice you weren’t happy.

Baby, I knew you weren’t very good at sports, but I was so proud of you! You gave everything you had, no matter what sport it was. In my mind, sweetheart, that IS the definition of success. You didn’t give up, no matter what; you pushed yourself and gave a hundred percent. It hurt sometimes, watching you, and listening to what some people said, but you were so determined!” She got on her knees in front of me. “I really never had any clue that you were so unhappy!”

Looking at it that way, I guess it did look like I was having fun, and I can see how it appeared. I guess I really had myself to blame. I had never once complained, or said that I didn’t want to play. Yeah, I missed a lot of practices, but what kid doesn’t? I was starting to see that I had been the one who was wrong. How could they have ever seen that I sometimes didn’t want to be a boy, and did it even matter now?

Dad held his arms out, so I went over to him and we hugged.

“I am so sorry, sweetheart. I realize now that I've pushed you into sports. I’m going to bet that you didn’t complain because you didn’t want to disappoint me or your Grandpa, did you?”

I shook my head no. I was kind of choked up from crying.

“Emily, your Grandfather and I both believed in you, and we thought we were supporting
you. I know if he’d had the slightest idea that you weren’t happy, he would have never even mentioned the idea.” Dad smiled at me. “Grandpa C. loved you, and you made him so proud. He would never have hurt you intentionally!”

“I know that, Dad.” I said. I couldn’t look him in the eye. How could I think that they didn’t love me?

“Me, on the other hand, I can see that I used you to help me at work, and I'm so truly sorry for that. It was incredibly selfish of me, and I really let you down. I never wanted you to feel like I was disappointed in you, sweetheart.

Like your Mom said, you never gave up or quit, and you’ve got to admit, you did get better and better. You would have been the varsity quarterback next year, after Tim graduates. You improved in every sport you played, and while you may not have noticed, it wasn’t just your talent that people saw; it was also your heart. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Apparently, it was Grandma’s turn. “Look at how strong you’ve been in this latest challenge. My God, you’ve had to change your whole life for this! From your underwear to your friends, almost nothing is the same, but look at how you’ve handled it.

You’re still an excellent student, and you seem to have found a measure of happiness in your boyfriend. You’ve never really had a close friend, but now look. Your very best friend is the girl who broke your heart, and was responsible for your change. That shows a lot of character, Emily Elizabeth.”
“I never thought of any of that,” I said. “I guess I got caught up in my childish anger, and I just let it stew for all these years. I’m very sorry that I ever doubted how much you loved me.”

“I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt you.” Grandma said, and we all started weeping. Eventually we looked at each other and felt the love in the room. We were all in a group hug when I started to laugh. I caught my breath and explained.

“It just occurred to me that it took changing into a girl to see how much of a boy I was.” I smiled.

“Yeah,” Grandma said thoughtfully. “Almost like magic isn’t it?”