Beautiful Boy

Wren Erendae Phoenix

Another dream, another story!

I was 17 when my world decided to change. I’m the eldest son of a famous artist father and a mom who works in corporate law. I have a younger brother, a stereotypical jock, who is almost a foot taller than me at 6’3”, and never lets me forget it. Tommy looks like our dad, and it’s very obvious which one of us is his pride and joy. I knew my dad loved me, but I frequently caught him looking at me with a very disappointed eye, and perhaps just a hint of disgust.

I’m very much like our mom, who is an elegant and beautiful Asian-American. We both have the typical black hair and very dark eyes. At 5’5” and 135 lbs., I’m roughly the same size as she is. I do quite well in school, but I’m something of a loner. I don’t do sports, and I don’t have many friends, partly because everyone that knows I’m not female seems to assume that I’m gay for some reason. Sorry, guys really don’t do anything for me.

Unfortunately, I have the unfortunate gift of my mother’s looks-yes, I’m pretty. Even with short hair, I’ve always looked like a girl. Not androgynous, unfortunately, as I most definitely look like a willowy female. My best friend, Tina Daniels, has always said that if I wore a stuffed bra and a dress, I’d be the most popular girl in school. I used to think she was crazy (and she is), but other people have commented on it, as well.

Unfortunately, even my name doesn’t help me. I was named after my grandfather, Terrence Andrews, but everyone just calls me Terry. Yes, I know, not exactly a “manly” name. I’ve been asked out several times, but almost always by guys. Tina even told me that all the girls that have asked me out were really lesbians.

My life really became interesting when I met Debbi. She’s this gorgeous Barbie doll look-a-like, and a very friendly person. I think sunshine just follows her around. She had moved into our area at the start of our senior year. We talked a few times, well, she talked, I listened and grunted occasionally. I really wanted to ask her out, but there was a huge line to do so, and of course, it all started with the football team. It doesn’t help that she has always thought (of course) that I am a girl, damn it, and I have such a hard time talking when I’m around her!

It all came to a head when she asked me out for a double date with her. I thought it was my big break, until I realized that MY date was Deke Henry. It was too much! Deke has had a crush on me since 8th grade, and he just won’t take no for an answer. I don’t know if he is stupid or gay, but I am neither. I was very upset, but I said nothing. The bell rang, and I told Debbi I’d talk to her later.

I decided that I needed to make some changes, but what, and how? On the way home, Tina asked me why I seemed so upset. We had always walked home together, but I just wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone right then. I just wanted to cry. I told her I had to hurry home, and she told me she understood, and said she would talk to me later, as I ran on to my house.

When I got home my Mom called to me to hurry and get my homework done, as we had to go pick up Dad from the airport. I told her I’d be ready, and I ran upstairs. I love her, but it’s really hard to explain things to someone who looks so much like that face I hated so much! What do I tell her? I went up to my room and let the tears come.

Something had to change. I had tried cutting my hair, but that hadn’t worked. Even when I shaved my head, I had been asked out by one of the jocks who thought it looked sexy. My clothes were all from the men’s wear department, nothing girly at all. I had dreamed of growing a moustache, or even a goatee, but that just wasn’t happening. What else could I do?

I got up and looked in the mirror. I had to admit, even to me, I looked like a preteen girl. It was so frustrating! As I looked, I realized how easy it would be to just give up and start dressing as a girl. Argh! Sometimes I just hate my life!

I got dressed, scratched my chest and went downstairs for a snack. Maybe I could drown my sorrows in a cola and some of the chips I had noticed when I got home. Unfortunately, when I got there my younger brother had come in, and he inhales any available food very quickly.

“Hi, Terry!” He laughed. “I hear you have a date for Friday!”

“What?”

“Deke was telling us that you and Debbi are going on a double date with him and the quarterback, Dave Schuster. He’s really looking forward to it!” He smiled so wide, I thought the top of his head would come off. No great loss there.

“I don’t think so! It’ll be a cold day in hell before I date some guy!”

“Aw, come on-you’d make a cute couple!”

“Tommy, I think that’s enough of the teasing.” Mom was clearly not in a good mood. “Don’t you have homework you should be doing?”

This was a trick question, of course. When Mom asked you something like that, the answer was always a definite yes, because any other answer meant housework or yard work-and we both knew it!

“Um, yeah, Mom-I was just heading up to do it.”

“Terry?”

“Oh, yeah, I was just getting a drink.”

“No, honey-I heard what Tommy said. What’s this about a date, and is this why you were upset?”

I felt the tears building, and I tried to ignore them. “It’s nothing, Mom. Tommy’s just. . .”

“ I want the truth, Terrence. Tell me what’s going on, and I mean now.”

“Oh, Mom. . .” I tried, but I couldn’t control it, the tears just started pouring out. Mom came over and held me.

“It’s okay, honey. Take a deep breath, and try to tell me what’s really going on.”

It was hard, but I was finally able to let it all come out. My frustration, the double date, the anger I felt at the world and my appearance, even my thoughts of just giving up and dressing as a girl, everything. Somewhere in my explanation, we must have walked into the living room, because I found myself sitting on the sofa with Mom’s arm around me.

She had tears shining in her eyes as I finished. “Oh, sweetheart, I can understand why you’re so upset! A misunderstanding like that would hurt anyone’s feelings!“

“I don’t know what to do! Mom, you’re so beautiful, but you’re a woman! I can’t handle this! Everyone thinks I’m either a girl, or I’m gay! I look in a mirror, and even I see a girl! Nothing I do seems to change it, maybe I should just give it up. Apparently, I make a lousy boy!”

“No, honey, you can never just give up. I think we need to see the doctor. Your puberty does seem to be very late, perhaps something is wrong. I’ll make an appointment to see her as soon as I can, okay?”

“Okay, I guess that’s all I can do.” Scratching my chest again, I started to head up to my room, but Mom stopped me.

“Are you feeling itchy or something?”

“Yeah, I think maybe it’s some kind of bite or rash. I’ve been itchy there all day.”

“Can I see, please?”

“Okay, sure.” I pulled off my shirt. Mom felt my chest, and her eyes were huge!

“What is it?” I asked looking down. My nipples seemed large, I guess, and they were standing out, but that wasn’t that unusual, lately. They had been like that for a little while. Maybe she was using some new detergent that made my shirts too scratchy or something.

“I think we definitely need to see a doctor tomorrow. Put your shirt back on, and go finish your homework, we’re leaving in about an hour to pick up your Dad. You need more driving practice.”

“Okay.”

I went back upstairs, and called Tina while I finished my homework. I apologized for running out on her, and then explained why I was so upset. She told me that she could understand why I was feeling so bad, but that she could understand Debbie’s problem, too. I have to accept that part of the problem was that I was so damn pretty, which just made me feel so much better. Yeah, sure it did. I promised to talk to her after I saw the Doc.

The trip to the airport took about an hour, and Mom hardly said a word the whole time. It’s a good thing I was driving, because she was really deep in thought. We pulled up to the terminal, and Dad was waiting for us, as usual. He always had a big smile for us, and I helped him load his bags into the back of the minivan. I was going to get in back, but Mom told me to go ahead and drive home, then she sat down and stretched out in the rear seats and turned on the overhead TV. Dad smiled and said I was going to spoil her, and we all laughed.

When we got home, Tommy had set the table, earning him a kiss from Mom. We sat down and had dinner, then went into the Living room to watch a movie that Dad had bought. It was okay, nothing to rave about, but enjoyable. I went up to take a shower before turning in, and Tommy decided to get his in the morning. I soaped up my chest well, hoping to stop the damn itching, but it still bothered me when I went to bed. I took a benadryl and played on my computer for awhile before finally going to sleep.

Mom called me and told me to get ready-the only opening the Doctor had was at 10:30, so I only had about an hour to get up, get dressed and get some breakfast before we left. The trip was pretty uneventful, and soon I was getting poked and prodded by Dr. Jill. I was very surprised when Mom pointed out my mosquito bites for the Doc.

She looked at me carefully and asked me to give some blood samples, then had me wait for a little while. She asked to talk to my mom for a few minutes in private. I went out to the lobby, my mind whirling with confusion. What in the world was going on? When she called me in, I could tell my mom had been crying, and I got really scared. Was I really sick?

“What’s going on, Doc? Is it serious?” I was really worried that I had cancer or something. She smiled and did her best to relax me.

“Yes, your mother is upset, and yes, this is serious, but I want you to try and be calm.”

“Am-am I sick, or…?”

“No, sweetheart,” Mom said. “It’s just a bit of a surprise to me. You aren’t in any real danger at this time.”

At this time? That really didn’t make me feel a lot better, to be honest.

“Terry,” Dr Jill explained, “I believe you have a form of what we call Incomplete or Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. This means your body is not responding to testosterone like a normal male would. This is normally found in childhood, but somehow it was not detected, probably due to the fact that you and your brother are very healthy, and we haven’t seen the two of you very often.”

“You believe? You’re not sure though, right?”

“I’ll need to get your blood tests back to confirm it, but I’d say I feel quite confident in my diagnosis, yes.”

“So what does this mean for me?”

Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes. “Terry, there a lot of things you need to understand. Please, listen to Dr. Jill, and try to control yourself, okay?”

I nodded, and Dr, Jill continued.

“I’m sorry, Terry, but this is going to be difficult, for both of us, but really hard for you. First, you need to understand that you are probably sterile-you will likely never be able to father a child. Your body does not use the testosterone you produce. The body’s default system is female and everyone has some estrogen in their systems. Since yours doesn’t use the hormones to make you a normal male, you are developing female secondary characteristics. That itching you’ve been feeling is the beginning of breast development.”

“Breasts! You mean . . . I-I’ll have tits?” I asked, feeling a little like fainting. Fortunately I was already sitting,

“Well, we can’t be sure of how much you will develop, however, judging by what I can see so far, you probably will have noticeable breasts. Your hips, as you may have noticed, have already begun to develop as a woman’s hips and bottom, and your bone structure is more delicate than normal. Your skin is noticeably softer, and your hair is smoother than most other men. In short, I’m afraid that in your case, your general appearance certainly seems to be that of a woman, rather than a man.”

They both watched me carefully, waiting for my reaction. I honestly wasn’t sure if I should faint or freak out. The first thought to come to my mind, actually was “Oh! That would explain it.” I think it just stopped working for a minute, as the next thing I remember was Mom, snapping her fingers in my face.
“Sorry, I, um, spaced out for a minute.” I just didn’t know what to think. “Uh, will I be able to get an erection? Can I have sex?”

“I’m not sure, to tell you the truth. We used to believe that this degree of intersex would cause infertility, but recent reports have occasionally disputed that. There are 7 primary ‘grades’ of PAIS, and you appear to present somewhere between grade 3 and 4, but we’ll have to see how things develop. I want to see you on a regular basis, so that we can help you as you continue to develop. I’ve prescribed a cream that should help to relieve the itching you feel, and I think it would be beneficial for you to speak with a counselor about the issues you may be facing in the near future.”

“That sounds like a good idea, I guess.“

“Yes, I agree.” Mom looked at me carefully. “Terry, are you all right?”

“Oh, yeah, my life is just so wonderful right now. I have a lot to think about. I really need to process this for awhile.”

“It’s a lot to handle, I know.” Dr. Jill agreed. “It’s up to you, but I have a friend that works with transgendered teens. He may be able to help you, would you like me to try to set something up for you?”

I thought about it for a second, but I had to admit, I needed some help with this.“Yes, please?”

“No problem. I’ll be in touch later, but I am going to try to set this up as fast as I can, okay?”

Mom smiled. “Thanks, Jill. I’m gonna take Terry home and we’ll have a nice talk. We’ll talk soon.”

“Bye!” I said, and waved, then realized how girly that looked. Whoa, maybe. . .

I was in a bit of a daze, I guess. I barely remember the ride home. Part of me kept seeing the worst in all of this, and I guess I was a bit scared. I really wasn’t looking forward to getting home, especially when it came to my brother. Tommy had always been a total jerk when it came to me. I could just imagine the problems this was going to cause. Maybe I could change schools, perhaps to somewhere a few states away? Who did I know that I might stay with somewhere in Europe? California was not looking particularly friendly right now. How would Dad handle this? He had always a big sports fan, and had not made any huge secret of his disappointment with me. I had a feeling this was not going to help matters at all.

We got home and Mom went out to the studio to talk to Dad. My fears were confirmed when the shouting started. As they came into the house, I could hear Dad accuse Mom of cheating on him, that the “freak” could not really be his son. My heart felt as though I had been stabbed. Freak? My Dad thought I was a freak? I felt sick, and wanted to vomit.

I couldn’t understand how Dad could be so unreasonable and mean. The argument got louder, and the insults more and more intense. He said I was an abomination, a monster, and even worse. I started hearing things breaking. I realized that I had to leave. I had no place here anymore. I called 911, told them that there was a domestic disturbance at our house and I was very afraid for the safety of my mother. That done, I quietly slipped out of the house, knowing that my life was over.

I had several thousand dollars saved for a car and my college expenses, so I knew I could survive for a while. What could I do right now, though? I heard those nasty things running through my mind in Dad’s hateful and angry voice, over and over again.

The only thing I could think of was to go to Tina’s. I really needed someone to talk to, and she was really my only close friend. With my world going completely to hell, I tried to hold it together long enough to get to her. I thought I was doing okay until she answered the doorbell. As soon as I saw her, I completely lost it. She took one look and dragged me in, hugging me so hard it almost hurt, while feeling like the greatest thing in the world.

My outburst attracted the attention of her parents. I told them everything, the Doctor’s diagnosis, my father’s explosive reaction, and my decision to leave before I got hurt physically. Tina’s mother Janet hugged me while I broke down as I told them some of the things that my father had called me, which brought everyone to tears. Mike, Tina’s dad, had to leave the room, and I saw the tears running down his very red and angry face as he left.

I knew he was calling my mom, and I guess I wanted him to. I was sure the police would be there by now, and I hoped she was all right. It hit me that I really wanted my Mommy. A part of me wanted my Daddy, too, but he had died that day, as far as I was concerned. I must have collapsed thinking about that, because the next thing I knew, Mom was there kneeling on the floor beside me as I lay with my head in Tina’s lap. Mom was crying and red-faced, but I wasn’t sure if it was from anger, grief or regret. I reached up to wipe a tear away, and she held my hand. I looked at her, and made a decision.

I knew that I would never be able to really be a male, no one really SAW me as a male and my father was certainly no role model. Here next to me, though, was my mother, a strong, well respected member of the community, who had always been the true backbone of our family while my father had just played up to the rich and famous. Here was my role model. I knew I needed counseling, and that I would need help to be the person I need to be, but my course was set. Over the years many have criticized my sudden choice, but I just smile.

My father had become violent, attacking one of the police officers, so he was going to be in the jail for awhile. Mom owned her parent’s old house near the courthouse which she used as an office and library. It was a nice place, and over the weekend we moved most of our stuff in there, and then did a lot of talking, and even more shopping.

The next week, Terri Andrews returned to school. Tina stood by me as I made my first defining steps as a female. Terrence had died on that Friday. In his place a bright, attractive young woman began to recreate her life, not that many people noticed the change. I went on the double date with Deke, Debbi and Dave, the football quarterback. Deke and I had a great time. Debbi was pawed, ignored and, before the evening was over, puked on when Dave couldn’t hold his liquor. As she cried while I helped clean her up in the ladies’ room, I helped her to realize that she had been looking for the wrong guys.

I introduced her to Cameron Evans, an unassuming but handsome guy who eventually became her husband, and they are deliriously happy. We remain great friends, and I am her eldest daughters’ godmother. Deke was a fun guy, but we did not really click as a couple, and after graduation we lost touch completely. Instead, I found myself appreciating Tina more and more. She stood by me as I became the class valedictorian, and she supported me emotionally as my mother took my idiot father to the cleaners. Of course, the paternity tests he had requested helped to prove that he was indeed my father, which helped me to obtain support for my college costs. Eventually, as Mom had been the one to introduce him to many of his best clients and promoted his work, he declined from world famous artist to local drunk. It was sad, I guess. I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Surprisingly, Tommy had been quick to leap to my defense against my father. He moved in with Mom and I, and became my knight in shining armor. Without our father’s influence, he seemed to mature. He was kind, and polite, and I was so proud of him as he eventually became our new quarterback. He led our team to victory after victory, but kept his grades up and gave up sports when he went to veterinary school. He married a wonderful girl that he met at college, and his kids are spoiled rotten by my mother and I.

Me, well, as you may have guessed, I followed my mom into Law. We are frequently mistaken for sisters, and when mom married Jim Franchiatti, I was the maid of honor. Tina was a bridesmaid, and when Tina and I celebrated our own civil union, Tommy walked me down the aisle and Mom was our Matron of Honor. My father did not attend, of course, but he wasn’t really missed by anyone.

My in-laws,Mike and Janet, are very pleased with the way things turned out for Tina and I. Mom and I formed Franchiatti and Daniels, Attorneys at Law, and we have become quite successful. Tina has become our law firm’s top investigator and a great research assistant. I love her so much, and we are considering adopting a child in the near future.

I have never once regretted my choices. I had to have “the surgery”, as the Doctors were concerned that my under-developed boy bits could become cancerous. It turns out I am a very “girly” girl and even Tina is surprised by some of my choices. It took a while, but I have come to love the color pink! I cannot believe how happy we are together, and I can see many great things in our future!