I think some small part of me is still resisting the changes I'm beginning to make. I think I'm, in some small corner of my mind, still afraid. Afraid of what I don't know about being female. Afraid of how people who don't or can't understand will treat me. Afraid of change. Someone replied to Heather's entry about losing her pet that it's a bit of a "system shock", after 16 years, suddenly losing a dear friend and companion, her dog. I kind of think that's what's happening to me now. 26 years of living in complete deadness, and now suddenly I'm feeling a wealth of emotions and I'm alive! I'm used to being dead. My system is in shock over it.
Still. I would never wish to return to the way things were. Last night, I fell asleep in bliss. Actually thinking what if I had the right bits and hadn't said no to the guy on my way home... Though I'd've never in actuality have accepted his offer. Overnight I dreamed. I couldn't remember them when I woke up, but I always remember data-REM, so I dreamed. This morning I woke up slightly afraid, but not quite sure why. Then I explored the feeling, and came to the above conclusion.
I suppose this has been a lot, very quickly. My path to myself doesn't seem to be quite so much a road, as a mountain switch-back trail. A steep one. And so far, instead of following the trail, I've been blindly tumbling over the cliff. I think I need to slow down. Take the path carefully.
Then again, maybe this snowballing effect is exactly what is needed, and I just need to punch this fear out of my system and keep on keeping on.
Thoughtfully,
Abigail Drew.
Comments
031) Fear of the Unknown
Please, seek counsel from those who you trust here.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Step by step
I was always afraid of what others may say when I transitioned. I would step out as a female and then be subjected to an adverse reaction and then give up. I was a puppet for those around me. being who they wanted me to be.
Then one day I heard a statement "There are no wrong answers." I thought it over and realized that me and no one else was in charge of who I am.
I made the decision to transiton and stepped out of my safety zone into my comfort zone. I have not regretted my step into being who I am. I also have a small mantra "Those who mind don't matter, and thos who matter don't mind."
I've legally changed my name, have my drivers license as a female. bought a house as a female and am involved in a national organization as a female, I no longer worry about what people say. Those who were trying to control me are not part of my circle of friends. real friends will support your endeavors no matter what they are, unless they know it is going to hurt you.
I prefer the friends I have now, I hand picked them so they would be like family to me.
No need to wonder about reception. I tell everyone I am still the same personality I was but I've brought the picture into focus and I am content in my own skin.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Progress is erratic
There's usually a gallop at the beginning because you've built up a head of steam over years. After that it tends to slow and even goes backwards. Be sure it's what you want to do before you do anything irrevocable, be in charge of your future and don't let others push you one way or another.
Otherwise, good luck - I was in your position about the time you were born. Nothing changes.
Angharad
Angharad
Couldn't agree more
I celebrate the day I first told someone as another birthday. It's like watching a film where somebody is messing with the speed. Time stands still, after that first admission, and an admission is what it feels like. You are mad, or sinful, or perverted, or a failure, or a disappointment. Just like when you first leave home, but worse.
After that first headrush of fear and delight, there tends to come a pause, as things work out in the way they have to. That is when it slows down, and you find two temptations there: one is to back right out, not serious, was a good joke, wasn't it?
The other is the dangerous one, the need to do something, anything, to move it along. You've waited so many years, why wait any longer? What Ang says is the absolute truth: be certain, before you jump. Speak to family, speak to friends, speak to professionals, and always remember that just because it seems like a good idea now it must be right is as dangerous as the thought that it is all too scary and stressful, so let's forget it.
My own route started with a life going into freefall as I lost all hope. Two suicide attempts were made, both interrupted, and I found myself in a limbo of pain. By that, I mean I could see no way out, no reason to continue, and my long-term decisions were all fluffed because I couid see no long term in any way. I had been on anti-depressants, but stopped them because they screwed up my thinking. Then I told a friend, and the nest day two couples I know and love. There was nothing in any way that was negative, just love and concern. I told another friend, in the health profession, and he did make a sceptical comment, reconsidered it, and said "Oh. Yes. It does fit"
I came out to my doctor the next day, and was immediately referred to the local mental health group, largely on the basis of my self-harming history, and then...then I came out to my boss, a close friend, who confused gay and trans for an instant, and then...my brother told me he had always known, and the rest is history.
Fear, despair, feeling ugly and unworthy and mad. Got the T-shirt. You will find your own path, but do it with certainty, and caution, and love.
Stephanie.
Transition often feels like
Transition often feels like "Hurry up and Wait", as some things happen in a rush, then once those are accomplished you seem to go into a holding pattern, then another rush as another step is accomplished. The big one is when you decide that there is no alternative and begin. You feel so relieved (to the point of feeling Free of a heavy weight) over making the decision and in starting to let people know what you are doing, and you feel like you want to tell everyone so they can (you hope) share your feelings. After the first flush, comes thought, doubts, and that is the time when you have to really make a plan. That'll take a bit and it will change often.
I went from starting therapy to RLT with full disclosure to family and work in 16 months, but surgery only happened after nearly 4 years due to financial problems. That seemed a bit slow to me, but it was necessary, and I was making forward progress through-out. Turned out to be slow to me, too fast for family.
One of my friends went from cross-dressing and buying lots of clothes, quickly began pushing the envelope of androgyny at work, to disclosure to HR at work, to being fired a week later, though with a good severence package that financed her transition, to RLT, to therapy, FFS and SRS in 18 months, after making a 5-year plan. She also was under an onerous mortgage that she abaondoned and eventually went through her house being repossessed, and eventual bankruptcy. So, don't be surprised if your plans change as you go along, but try to plan and make better choices than Ronnie did.
Everyone is different in their transition, but share some aspects. The key is always try to make progress toward your goal, even small steps.
CaroL
CaroL
Used to being dead.
I think its a feeling most TSes feel. Fear of the unknown and sometimes unknowable can be overwhelming.
For me I had to fill that spot [forgive me if I'm over simplifying] with pillows added some curtains and cut in a window and added a veranda...
My dead place is where I go when I'm threatened not to hide but to renovate. [I feel stupid putting it in flowery words but I can't think of how ese to say it.]
I still retreat to the dead place when faced with fears that won't go away, but thanks to years of therapy... its not as unhappy a place as it used to be. I can in places see beyond the walls I've put up over the years.
The doubt never goes away. I'm happy with my decision to transition. Strangely I have had no really bad reactions. Nobody beat me up and tore my clothes... and that sometimes causes my doubt to increase.
So! bring some nice curtains and some throw pillow and a cozy cover for that ugly couch and clean the place up... maybe some paint.
My point I guess is... everyone has a dead place... a place to escape too... I'm just saying try to make it less a 'dead' place and more a 'safe' place.
Dayna.
ps. My cat got run over by a car 3 nights ago and died under a bush alone, scared and in agony. My dead place isn't helping me.